Two Evil Eyes

Okay I am back. Well having suffered Nightmare Beach, I am still on an Italian Cinema kick so what say we enjoy some short stories by Edgar Allen Poe. No, Not Lucio Fulci. Instead it is a collaboration of directors Dario Argento (Deep Red, Suspiria, Inferno, Tenebre, Opera and Mother of Tears) and George Romero (Night of the Living Dead, Martin, The Crazies, Dawn of the Dead, Knightriders, Day of the Dead, The Dark Half and Land of the Dead). This is Two Evil Eyes a.k.a. Edgar Allen Poe a.k.a.The Black Cat and The Facts in the Case of M. Valdemar.

Big shoulder pads means she's not screwing around.

Alternative titles aside, I think I am in for a treat as an eerie as Hell composure starts right up with the title cards. Always a good sign. Composer Pino Donaggio (Tourist Trap, Beyond Evil, The Howling, The Black Cat, Beyond the Door, Gor, Sahara Heat, Appointment with Death and Deathproof) decisively tells you this film should be scary and by God I am outright demanding it is when two Masters of Horror are working in cahoots.

With a brief visit to Baltimore, we stop off at Edgar Allen Poe's grave then his former home. Darn no undead bikers thus far. I can breathe easy.

We slide right into The Facts in the Case of M. Valdemar (Romero's segement) with 40 year old Jessica Valdemar (Adrienne Barbeau of Swamp Thing, The Fog, Escape From New York, Back to School, Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death and Batman: The Animated Series) jetted right over to the family lawyer for power of attorney over her terminally ill husband, Ernest (Bingo O' Malley of Knightriders, Creepshow, Equal Justices, The 10 Million Dollar Getaway, Guilty Until Proven Innocent, The Cemetery Club and Wonder Boys). With good reason Ernest's lawyer, Mr. Pike (E.G. Marshall of 12 Angry Men, Man on Fire, The Bucacaneer, Flesh and Blood, Vanished, Superman II and Creepshow) finds this most irregular. Similar to when a man of his age hasn't had enough prunes. Ahahahahaha! Demeaning poop joke!

Pausing to call his client, Ernest weakly explains that everything is in fact, in order and give Jessica access to liquidate what she wants. Pike reluctantly does so with the warning to Jessica; if anything happens to Ernest in the next three weeks she will be deemed suspect. Jessica scoffs as one does, and is off with the check. It was clearly all about the love in this marriage.

When acne afflicts.

A far more nefarious angle as Ernest's own doctor, Robert Hoffman (Ramy Zada of Jake and the Fatman, The Judas Project, Dallas, Dark Justice, Melrose Place, The Rockford Files: Punishment and Crime, The X-Files and Against All Evidence) has been scheming along with Jessica to through hypnosis to get Ernest to cough up his dough, so he can claim $3 million and plow his soon-to-be widow.

As the scheme is coming to a head, Ernest croaks. Leaving them stuck with a corpse that needs to be alive for another two weeks. Being the horrific money grubbing ghouls they are, they seal him in plastic and toss his ass in the freezer. Didn't know Ziploc came in human size. Freshness in, stale dead guy smell out.

Popsicle aside, they really aren't covering their tracks well. Jessica's pulling large sums of cash, netting an amount of over 900,000 even in the span of a few weeks; the bank is going to start questioning things. Okay the bank doesn't give a rat's ass but the folks working there have to have some semblance of a soul still.

Dear old Ernest may not be as dead as Robert and Jessica would like to believe...

Our next segment, The Black Cat is by Dario Argento now.

Dammit Argento, stop grossing people out!

Sleazy tabloid photographer Rod Usher (Harvey Kietel of Mean Streets, Bad Lieutenant, Reservoir Dogs, Pulp Fiction, From Dusk Til Dawn, Cop Land, Smoke, Chosen and The Comedian) gets the gig that the cops call him in to do the crime scene photos of some of the more horrific and morbid murders. A sensationalist photographer. Paparazzi for the dead if you will.

Detective Legrand (John Amos of Good Times, Coming to America, Die Hard 2: Die Harder, Disappearing Acts, All About the Andersons, The West Wing, Two and a Half Men, Zombie Hamlet, Act of Faith and Bad Ass 3: Bad Asses on the Bayou) has this deranged cat on speed dial, showing up with good lighting and at least two cameras at the ready.

Hell, the guy has been winding away the hours in his two story house's darkroom creating a warped coffee table book, Metropolitan Horrors. Well sit that next to the Judy Blum novels, am I right?

Deep down under that harsh, rough exterior lurks the heart of a gigantic ass. Seriously, this dude seems to unwind better at a triple homicide with a cleaver than near his mousy, delicate girlfriend Annabel (Madeleine Potter of Hello Again, Slaves of New York, The Golden Bowl, The Whistle-Blower, Refuge, Caught in the Act and Animals). Annabel is a violinist and teacher with warmth, compassionate and just a radiance of light. So what in the nine hells is she doing with Rod? Opposites attract isn't always a good call. She adopts a gorgeous black cat and Rod takes an almost immediate dislike to and vice versa.

I'll go investigate that noise. Stay here, young Julie Benz.

Working and just developing the snaps, the damn cat gets paw prints on about three hours worth of work. I mean I know I get damn punchy when editing footage for Rotten Reelz Reviews Video Reviews but I haven't throttled a cat. Oh yes, kitty lovers that's a thing. And yes, yes we know it's fiction but got my hackles up. There is huge animosity between Rod and the cat. They stalk one another, taunt one another, it's like a sadistic marriage.

Annabel and Rod's heated arguments turn to blows and she finally sees him for the cold callous human he is. In a drunken stupor, Rod has a dream about a Pagan ritual, a cat hanging and how he is to blame and will soon joining it. 

This flick is sitting at 59% on Rotten Tomatoes. What the hell, guys? Beautiful yet disturbing score, great cast, true to the source material. Not enough jump scares for the modern day Horror viewer? Yes these films have taken interpretations and some liberties of each story, I grant you. How many of you really want to hear a narrative about the cat and Rod's lose of sanity day by day? Or for that matter Lady Jessica's exploits and prowess with her dying husband's doctor? Hmm?

So bottom line, this was a good flick. Solid story telling, each director their own style of gore and terror and believe me you can see influences of each other in the segments.

Interesting side note as this was Julie Benz's first film putting her at the age of 17. Yeah probably shouldn't have said that. I do have perverts that read this blog. You know who you are.

I was told that both Wes Craven and John Carpenter were called in to join on this endeavor but were each obligated to mutual works and couldn't get out of those contracts. Might explain the Masters of Horror series later down the road.

Clean up my poops!

Nightmare Beach

Hi gals and guys I am back once more! Well I had a load of fun with my Laurene Landon Western, so naturally it's time for a slasher film. I mean I can't enjoy every bit of my week, that's crazy talk. So howzabout a man coming back from the dead to instill bloody vengeance on a town that wronged him? No not Crystal Lake. I think I have reviewed all the Friday the 13ths. No, instead I thought I would look into Italian Horror /Action director Umberto Lenzi (Paranoid,The Spy Who Loved Flowers, Desert Commandos, Pistol for a Hundred Coffins, Eyeball, The Tough Ones and Cannibal Ferox). This is Nightmare Beach a.k.a. Welcome to Spring Break.

So stuck being the love interest? That's 80s for ya.

Sadly only one alternative title. So this time around we are in Florida, awaiting the execution of notorious biker, Diablo (Tony Bolano of Invasion U.S.A., Miami Vice, 21 Jump Street, The take, Wiseguy, Red Wind, Baywatch, Just Cause and Bad Boys) is sentenced to sizzle like 4 strips of bacon. Yup he's gonna buckle up like Ted Bundy (yeah I was a kid in Florida when Bundy was electrocuted) and justice will prevail.

Among the viewing is the sister of the last victim, Gail (Sarah Buxton of Rock 'n' Roll High School Forever, Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter is Dead, Fast Getaway II, Sunset Beach, Days of Our Lives, and The Bold and the Beautiful) as well as Chief Stryker (John Saxon of Enter the Dragon, Dynasty, Hands of Steel, A Nightmare on Elm Street, A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors, Death House, The Baby Doll Murders and New Nightmare).

Calling me psycho? I'll eat your dog! Calling me psycho.

Unbeknownst to the good people of Ft. Liquordale, er um Lauderdale, our biker may have risen from the dead and is out and about; with a hunger for vengeance. Spring Break is well into effect and two such bros hoping to score tail, Ronnie (Rawley Valverde of Guns of Paradise, Nightmare Beach, Santa Barbara, Baby Talk, Made in America and JAG) and his football bud, Skip (Editor/actor Nicholas De Toth of The Stuff, Scarecow and Mrs. King, The Invisible Kid and Nightmare Beach). 1989, who names their kid Skip? Even if it is just a nickname, who the hell did that after the 1950s??!!!

With a bouncy co-ed ready to take the first plunge in the hotel pool, she spots a body floating. By the way, this pool area was packed and she was the first person to notice said floater?? C'mon!

Oh, it's just a prank. Tee hee. 

 With this nonsense going on; across town Diablo's grave has been dug up, coffin and all. Naturally his former biker gang, the Demons are suspect but seriously, what the hell are they going to do with a corpse?  Wait, this might be one of those answers I really don't want.

So we ruled out vampires and Freddy Kruger then? Well, I'm stumped

Meanwhile a leather clad biker is buzzing down the highway wearing Demon colors mounting a killing spree? Curiouser and curiouser.   Mark Parks hasn't had a case sting this badly since The Savage Bees. Doctor Wilet (Michael Parks of Prime Suspect, Caged Fury, Twin Peaks, Sorceress, From Dusk Til Dawn, Wicked, Kill Bill: Vol. 1, Death Proof, Planet Terror, Red State and Tusk) is the main coroner and boy his weekend is going to be packed, much like his shelves.

John Saxon, what in the nine hells are you doing in this?! You were in Argento's Tenebre and Craven's A Nightmare on Elm Street!!! Of course you were in Blood Beach and Prisoners of the Lost Universe.   Hmm.   Fortunately, John Saxon is no stranger to undead killers, Freddy gave him a leg up with this experience.

City Hall crawling so far in the Chief's ass, no proctologist will be able to relieve him. With a couple of close calls for Gail, she starts to wonder if Diablo is actually returned as he promised.

With crispy victims, it's almost like how Diablo died. Getting this all down, Chief? I understand you plan to ignore this problem until it drives up and fries you on the ass!

Kids, don't smoke with that much Aqua Net on.

Skip's confused on where his buddy Ronnie ended up. Maybe City Hall doesn't want to hearken attention to the merest possibility of an undead serial slasher hell bent on cutting a bloody swath through Ft. Lauderdale. Can't really expect tourist dollars to come rolling in.

Overall, the film's clever in some standings but it tends to drag. We have other death scenarios that don't rely on an electric chair output from a Honda bike and some of the characters have been fleshed out but aside from the primary characters you really can't be bothered to care that most of these doofy college kids are getting bumped off. Albeit, they're not as poorly written as say, an Eli Roth character, wallowing in their own stagnant pond scum, but also not really interesting to merit sadness.

 Oh no, that superficial jagoff that was rude to girls not sleeping with him is dead.  He had so much going for him.

FX makeup and gore gags guru Gary F. Bentley (Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, The Wrong Guys, Savage Beach, Robocop 3, Alien: Ressurection and Timeline) are pretty bang on. From crispy kids, some gutting and strangulation, the work is solid. The story is just goofy.

The music does actually set the tone, which is impressive considering most of the deaths are daylight hours. Thankfully composer Claudio Simonetti (Deep Red, Suspiria, Dawn of the Dead, Tenebre, Conquest, Demons, Hands of Steel, Primal Rage, Mother of Tears and Bankok Dangerous) is trying to send shivers down your spine.

At its core, it is a slasher movie and the veteran actors of this genre are on their "A" game, I'm just probably burned out on how many killers return from the grave and most likely jaded.

With a mild amount of T 'n' A, graphic gore scenes and chasing all over Ft. Lauderdale, it does make for decent thrills but at the end, I give it a C+. Nothing genuinely scared me, the story is a bit jumbled and I wasn't that impressed with the finished product.

How this fell under the Video Nasties list in the day must have been out of title only. 

Hapless and horny.

Yellow Hair and the Fortress of Gold

Hey folks. I am working this Monday and for those that didn't see their Instagram or Facebook, the lovely Laurene Landon sent me some 8x10 glossies and I thought that was incredibly awesome of her. So much so, I decided let's snag another Laurene Landon film. But what to choose? Hey! Here's a Western! I don't get to review Westerns often. This is Yellow Hair and the Fortress of Gold a.k.a. Yellow Hair and the Pecos Kid a.k.a.Yellow Hair & the Pecos Kid.

Um the mating dance commence?

Yay! Alternative titles give me the warm and fuzzies! Okay kids, we are back with director Matt Cimber (The Black 6, That Girl from Boston, Butterfly, Fake-Out, Hundra, Yellow Hair and the Fortress of Gold and Miriam) so we are in Spain again shooting an Italian director, so is this technically a Spaghetti Western? Our opening credits feels like a nod to Western serials from the 40s and 50s.

Yellow Hair (Laurene Landon of Hundra, Yellow Hair and the Fortress of Gold, Maniac Cop, Maniac Cop 2, 1313: Hercules Unbound!, Samurai Cop 2: Deadly Vengeance and Syndicate Smasher) is a half breed Apache (Cue Gunsmoke intro music!) who travels with her faithful companion, the Pecos Kid (Producer/actor Ken Roberson of Rigged and Yellow Hair and the Fortress of Gold) have heard the legends of Mayan gold and set to go on an adventure in search of this elusive treasure. Mind you, Yellow Hair will have to bust Pecos out of the hoosegow before they can high tail it to the gold.

They have stiff competition such as a band of outlaws led by Flores (Aldo Sambrell of Shaft in Africa, the Golden Voyage of Sinbad, Voodoo black Exorcist,House of the Damned, The Black Pearl, Cabo Blanco and Last Harem), Colonel Torres (Luis Lorenzo of Waiting for Daddy, Children's War, Estudio 1, The Black Wolf, Revenge of the Black Wolf, National Adultery, Hundra and Eliminators) a ruthless, vicious tyrant as butch as an ice skater's partner and a plethora of Talupans, direct descendants of Aztec warriors (in Spain? Or are we in Mexico? Meh.) 

 

Italian Lee Van Cleef?  Nah.

Flores using a an antler carved with sigils and map runes, is well unto his way to finding the Lost City. Lotta lost empires and kingdoms, right? You notice this too? He and his crew are ambushed by the Talupans with a ton of rocks and spears. I'd point out they have the high ground and plenty of cover as well if needs be but Flores whips out his six shooter (the gun you pervs. I don't know the man's prowess) and starts a blastin'. We are treated to at least one Wilhelm scream, so yup official Western now.

With a ritual by the Talupan Indians as they sew a guy's eylids, hang him upside down and dunk him in molten gold like a chicken Mcnugget.   So perhaps not one for the kiddies.   Kinda get the vibe it was hoping to piggyback on Raiders of the Lost Ark or King Solomon's Mines.  Hey I think its story will merit its own following.

After bouncing Pecos around in his cell a bit, the Colonel is beside himself. Maybe a bucket of chicken would help. (Yeah cue the boos.)

Dave & Buster's of the Old West.

Yellow Hair's mother, Grey Cloud (Claudia Gravy of Rebels of Arizona, The New Spainards, The Nun and the Devil, Kilma, Queen of the Amazons, The Black Pearl, The Creature and A Dog Called...Vengeance) has basically raised both Yellow Hair and Pecos since they were small.

Yellow Hair is training against an Apache warrior and it's kind of intense. Thankfully unlike Charlton Heston in Arrowhead, you can root for her and not feel icky. And she did a Kirk double jump kick!

Half of these canyon shots, suddenly the theme song from Yor, Hunter of the Future popped in my head. Occupational hazard I guess.

Explosions, gunfights, fist fights fire fights on horseback! Near escapes from gatling gunfire!!

We got a lot going on as at least three parties trying to lay claim to the booty. The treasure. Not grabbing Yellow Hair's hinder. Trust me, she doesn't seem that forgiving for an ass slap. Really has a El Dorado gold hunt/Treasure of the Sierra Madre feel to it. Landon again does her stunts in this and let's face it, that is a lot of rock, gravel and next to no pads to land on.

She and Ken Roberson steal the scenes. Their chemistry is pretty solid and it works as a partnership. You almost see her having a kid brother relationship with Pecos but it could bloom into something else. Flores pays Grey Cloud a visit but she stuck him pretty good. Dude is a hot mess. Arrow wound to the leg, blade wound to the gut. It hasn't been a pleasant few days for him.

With a vengeance story underway, Yellow Hair seeks out Man Who Knows (Eduardo Fajardo o f Django, Maniac Mansion, The Shark Hunter, Nightmare City, Oasis of Zombies, Hundra and The Brother from Space) as he tells Yellow Hair the secret Grey Cloud held from her all these years. Will it bring new meaning to Yellow Hair's life? Will the foppish Colonel have his day? 

Read too many scathing reviews on IMDB just brow beating this movie. If you don't like it, fine. No need to make sound as viewing this film you sacrificed yourself to the film gods for the good of the fellow cinema goers. Personally? I have enjoyed the hell out of it. It a slow start for about 17 minutes but really starts kicking in the moment Laurene's on screen. A great musical score by composer Franco Piersanti (Tenerezza, The Spider Labyrinth, Open Doors, Corto Maltese, Don't Tell, The Caiman and The Missing Star) really sets the moods.

My copy hails from Mill Creek Entertainment. I know because the damn logo pops up every 8 minutes. This really needs a good Blu Ray release as well as Hundra. Make it a Landon Double Feature!

Periwinkle blue is working there, Yellow Hair.

Daylight's End

Back again kiddies! Yeah you missed me. I can just sense these things. So I held a poll on two movies both post apocalyptic and apparently plague based zombies. Clearly I won? I guess. So today we concentrate to Daylight's End.

Winter Soldier?  Bucky?  BUCKY!!!

Directed by indie director William Kaufman (The Prodigy, Sinners and Saints,The Hit List, One in the Chamber, Jarhead 3: The Siege and Murder Made Me Famous)we open with an out stretched road POV shot, I am reminiscent of George Miller's Mad Max. A lone wanderer (Cue Fallout theme) makes his way to an abandoned gas station in a steel meshed covered Plymouth. I think it might be a Superbird. He makes his way in for supplies when he comes across a massive freezer, which he shoots letting in sunlight to fry the zombie/vampire? So these blood thirsty creatures are bringing me back to Last Man on Earth or I Am Legend. A gathering of exposition and visuals throughout the credits opening explains the outbreak of this apocalypse.

He heads into a wayward, abandoned house and cleans house. By himself. Three of these dead bastards were kind of terrifying and jump scares were limited. THANK GOD!

On his travels he sees a police squad car be accosted by the vambies. Zompires?

Anywho, the contents of the car is people and has been murdered and closer examination the group is actually armed humans. Our mysterious stranger dispatches the marauders efficiently.

Well it's no Mad Max ride, but not bad.

Our bad ass protagonist helps the lone survivor, Sam (Chelsea Edmundson of Killer Eye: Halloween Haunt, Camera Phone, Gangster Squad, Bloodsucka Jones, Isolation and Joe Bonamassa: Drive) who invites her savior named Rourke (Johnny Strong of Get Carter, Black Hawk Down, The Fast and the Furious, Sinners and Saints and Cold Brook) for safe harbor along with food, supplies and ammo. A girl the groupof marauders abducted, Annabelle (Farrah White of Miss Congeniality, Single and Dealing with It, Hate Crime, By the Devil's Hands, The Locker, Lunch Break and About Mom and Dad...) is lacking oars in the waters so of course Sam wants to take her along. They hop in his car and make it deep into the midtown of once was Dallas. Um go Cowboys? They narrowly make their way into the old police station.

Journeying in the police station, Rourke encounters leader of this group, Bishop himself (Lance Henriksen of The Terminator, Aliens, Near Dark, Pumpkinhead, Millennium, Scream 3, AVP: Aliens vs Predator and Hellraiser: Hellworld) known as Frank Hill. With a massive steel sliding door keeps the zompires at bay. Naturally Frank, his boy Ethan (Louis Mandylor of Martial Law, Price of Glory, Relic Hunter, Sinners and Saints, Sorority Party Massacre, Jet Set and Code of Honor) and former Dallas Cop Chris (Hakeem Kae-Kazim of Grange Hill, Critical Assignment, Hotel Rwanda, Pirates of the Carribbean: At World's End, The Jinn and The Bourne Conspiracy) don't trust outsider Rouke, so they lock him in a cell, after confiscating his weapons. Dude, trust me. This cat could snap necks pretty easily but Rourke agrees to it.

The Vambies (Zompires?) get around at night but seem to actually doing some rudimentary thinking instead of just being scavengers or hyenas on the kill. They seem to follow a beast of a man known only as the Alpha (Former UFC fighter Krzystof Sosynski of Here Comes the Boom, Tapped Out, Hidden in the Woods, Daylight's End and Logan).  Evolution occurs everywhere, folks and even in disease and this big boy is the apex predator. 

Jeez, does no one sew in the Apocalypse?

 Frank realizes it's only a matter of time before these bad boys and girls come smashing in and slaughter them all. Frank tells Rourke they need to regroup, grab some wheels and get everyone out of the area. Rouke is more determined to eliminate the threat of the Alpha during the day. Clearly something personal between the two, not that Rourke is forthcoming with that info.

Keep in mind, the budget is not huge, the musical score is done by our protagonist, and we have a very capable cast and crew. Yes, yes this is YET another post apocalypse but there is nowhere near the gore and rape scenarios of the Mad Max, 2019: Fall of New York or Book of Eli. While this is not an original idea, I like what you take away from this film.

The writer Chad Law (Hero Wanted, The Hit List, 6 Bullets, Isolation, Jarhead 3: The Seige, Beyond Valkyrie: Dawn of the 4^th Reich and Sinners and Saints: Vengeance) has a solid understanding of Action genre and Stuntman/fight choreographer Ron Balicki (Barb Wire, Escape from L.A., Point Doom, Resident Evil: Apocalypse, The Prodigy, The Sensei and The Dark Path Chronicles) broke down weapons handling, hand-to-hand and knife fights pretty damn well. The choreography feels like the Bourne series or Burn Notice...granted with zombies and scumbag humans against our survivors.

Strong's physical performance alone is worth going on about. The guy is doing Urban Warfare, sweeping through room to room and putting as little weight on his feet to give his position away. The camera captures all of this and it feels real. Continuity goofs? Well a few. Car windows were shot out and then reappeared whole, some magazines seem to have infinite ammo and not enough reload time between rounds and for some reason Frank's stirring speech, his hat kept disappearing and reappearing throughout it. That being said, this is a decent flick. Plenty of action and story to keep most folk interested and yes ladies I am sorry to say at least one rape scenario but no skin, just the fear.   An attempted one if you will, and our hero goes sick house on these skells.

It's graphic, got very few lull moments and keeps a good steady pace. Yeah I was impressed and I say, "Go Indie film makers!"

THE CUBS WON THE PENNANT!!! ANARCHY IN THE STREETS!!!

Black Shampoo

And we are back, ladies and gents. Hope you are enjoying President's Day, getting some decent savings on furniture, automobiles and apparently pizza sales. Today's moving pictures hails from Blaxploitation of what appears to be the sleazier side of it. Yes this is no Shaft or Black Belt Jones but more of a near porn variety if the opening theme music is to be believed. Back from Greydon Clark's basement (Angels' Revenge, Hi-Riders, Joysticks, Final Justice, The Uninvited, The Forbidden Dance and Mad Dog Coll) hails the tagline: "He's Bad... He's Mean... He's a Lovin' Machine. This is Black Shampoo a.k.a. Sex at the Salon.

This naked make out aids in the hair drying?

From the man that brought Satan's Cheerleaders, this cheesy sleazy exploitation of Mr. Johnathan (John Daniels of Tender Loving Care, The Candy Tangerine Man, Bare Knuckles, Mean Dog Blues and Flesh-Eating Mothers) runs a salon and apparently is a gigolo. Guess he styles the hair then messes in up in a sweaty, moaning fashion. Are they paying extra for the sex? Honestly I don't know. Dude looks like a genetic experiment of James Earl Jones crossed with Lou Ferrigno. Couple that with most of his filmography titles sound like gay porn titles, minus Flesh-Eating Mothers of course.

Our opus opens with saxophone, bass and enough wah wah pedal I am checking around that I didn't conjure the ghost of John Holmes.  No sooner does Mr. Johnathan finish scrubbing this pent up white girl's hair, it is alluded she starts blowing him. Yeah, I'm sure it was plot related somehow.  No we do not see that scene. Thankfully.   Oh goody, gay stereotypes like Artie (Skip E. Lowe of Crazy Mama, Ilsa, Harem Keeper of the Oil Sheiks, Bare Knuckles, Bitter Heritage and Prime Suspect)and Richard (Gary Allen of Joshua and Black Shampoo)and they're giggly and fabulous. Grrr...

Mongo like candy.

Secretary Brenda (Tanya Boyd of Isl, Harem Keeper of the Oil Sheiks, Roots, GoodTimes, The Happy Hooker Goes Hollywood, Sanford Loving, Lulu and Days of Our Lives) knows the ins and outs of the business but she's not one to gossip. Kind of Effie to Johnathan's Sam Spade if you will.

With an emergency "hair appointment" at the request of Mrs. Simpson (Heather Leigh of Sexual Ecstasy of the Macumba, Mafia Girls, Black Shampoo, Special Delivery and Hot Nasties) Johnathan may have taken in more than he bargained for. As he heads out, some mafia goons head into the salon and have a chat with Brenda. One would conclude her former employer Mr. Wilson (Joseph Carlo of Satan's Cheerleaders and Black Shampoo) wasn't too happy of her taking off. And that damn kid Dennis is always knocking baseballs through his window too.

After a bit of gay bashing (they tossed Artie and Richard around), head thug tells Brenda she better call 'da boss or people will really get hurt.

Johnathan is being hit on profusely by teens. Seriously the double entendres are so blatant, they're actually painful. "Oh that's a big tool. I bet you're really handy with it." Stay classy, movie.

Mrs. Simpson's gonna teach these girls a lesson. By grinding on Mr. Johnathan. Hmm, this might be a softcore porn flick.   Brenda tells Johnathan she has to go, so he takes out to dinner.  Brenda baby, don't fall for that. Mr. Johnathan's probably got more STDs than James Kirk or at least near to it.

Brenda hasn't called quick enough for Mr. Big there so hired goons go trash the salon to kooky circus like music. Yeah, I was delighted too. Ugh, bring back the mindless booty call scenes now.

Got my roscoe trained on ya, see?

Eventually Johnathan is tired of his place of business thrashed and Brenda being scared so Johnathan is on the case. He's almost Shaft... kinda. Maybe. His cruising music must have been stuck on the interpretive jazz station.

Brenda goes back to Mr. Wilson and he humbly apologizes for the shop getting torn up and says to submit damage bills to him. Yeah that's the least you can do, sucka. No, that line wasn't in the film. Should have been. His thugs raz Johnathan, he pimp slaps one down, one gets it in the planter's and thug number three remembered he has a gun. Wow, brains on a knuckle dragger. Well to console his broken heart, Johnathan goes and plows a client like the back 40.

Brenda gets the goods on Mr. Wilson and goes to Johnathan for protection. HAIR DRESSER! Not a P.I., not a cop, ex-cop, ex-military!!! Not that I would know. We get literally no backstory with this dude aside from he does hair and the owners of said hair. I have a new name for his place, "The Primp, Crimp and Pump!"

With a big showdown with the thugs, Johnathan show them a thing or two. WITH A CHAINSAW??!!! WTF??!!!

Okay let's talk about the issues I have with this film. A few N bombs and gay bashing aside, the women are written like brain dead bimbos that only Johnathan can satisfy, the thugs are barely believable as humans and frankly the double entendres got damn childish.

The technical problems? Blocking scenes is real tough, camera won't focus from foreground to background, clothes, towels constantly moving around from scene to scene so continuity is in the toilet and at some point during a shower sex scene, the fricking sound dies out, soundtrack and all. The editing looks like it was done by a diarrhetic howler monkey. It's shit!

Finally recognized another actor as "New Receptionist" (Jacqulin Cole of Satan's Sadists, The Female Bunch, Angel's Revenge, Wacko and Joysticks). Not exactly filling with joy but I suppose it was a minor mental exercise. This is gory, goofy and girly bouncing of epic proportion.

For who I would recommend this to? Um college kids wanting a good drinking game. Naked jiggly girl? Drink. Not every film of this genre can be Three the Hard Way or Shaft but at least this wasn't Dolemite.

Weirdest Craigslist orgy ever.

Hospital Massacre

Well welcome back readers and Happy Valentine's Day. Now I was convinced there were no more Valentine's Day themed horror films. Oh how I was wrong. Point in fact, I discovered a slasher film based around Valentine's Day past, a spurned horny guy became a crazed horny guy and it also has alternative titles. This is Hospital Massacre a.k.a. X-Ray a.k.a. Ward 13 a.k.a. Be My Valentine, or Else...

Darkman??!!

Penned by writer Marc Behm (The Return of Dr. Mabuse, Help!, Someone Behind the Door, Lady Chatterley's Lover, Deadly Circuit and Eye of the Beholder), we go right to title cards and eerie music intro. Sets the tone that we are in Horror movie territory and I appreciate that. The year is 1961 and a less than popular boy name of Harold leaves a Valentine's Day card for a girl Susan. Susan and her friend David outright mock Harold. Harold snaps, breaks into the house and offs David with of all things, a hatstand? FYI, the house is Valentine decorated. I didn't even think that was a thing, let alone in 1961.

19 years later Susan (Playboy Playmate Barbi Benton of ChiPs, Fantasy Island, Deathstalker, Riptide and The Love Boat) is all grown up, divorced and has a daughter Eva (Tammy Simpson of X-Ray and All Summer in a Day). Smug ass ex-husband Tom (Jimmy Stathis of Dogs, The Black Room, Vultures, Drug Runners, Double Deception and House) seems to almost hold Eva in distain. Mommy's little white lie. Probably not mine. Okay, that is the vibe I get of this cat. Ex-hubby gets an evil orchestral tune as well.

Death by Coat Rack!!!

With her new boyfriend, Jack (Jon Van Ness of Tourist Trap, Some Kind of Hero, In the Custody of Strangers, The Natural, The Hitcher, Aligator II: The Mutation and Supernatural), Susan needs to stop off at the hospital for a routine check up...or is it? DUN DUN DUN!! Jack points out "Isn't this the hospital that had all that trouble last year?" Well that is minor exposition so I won't slap you, Jack. This time.

Fair warning, there is a sea of red herring in our flick so get your waders on. Hospital intern Harry (Charles Lucia of Hill Street Blues, Lou Grant, T.J. Hooker, Stingray, The Hand That Rocks the Cradle, Tank Girl, Indecent Behavior III and Edie & Pen) is one of those overtly friendly guys around anyone with boobs. The "I'm two drinks away from peeping in your window creeper," kind of guy.

Meanwhile a man in surgical scrubs roams the hospital, as most doctors do, but to a creepy theme track. The killer perhaps??

One of the doctors is killed by said scrubs and he tampers with her file. Doctors Saxon and Beam read this paperwork and clearly establishes Susan is unstable and should be detained for 42 hours of observation. Meanwhile this is a new chart. She looks a bit put out as these lies aren't registering with her doctors. You've been coming to them for HOW LONG??!!!

Hey Earl, this chart says she belongs in da wacko basket! WTF, movie? WTF.

I did laugh my ass off at the name Nurse Kitty. Yeah it just sounded straight out of some cheesy porno. Nurse Kitty! I need you to take their temperature! Deep!

With severed heads being snuck into her room, wayward boyfriend Jack must have fallen asleep...FOR HOURS!!! Good God, man. Didn't you need food, drink or even a sound piss?! She did say she'd be a few minutes. Maybe he concluded it would be like shopping for shoes for a few minutes and figured, "Meh I can get a nap in."

"My God, they're real!"

Yes my piggy manchild readers, there's some skin in this 80s slasher film. Yeah I knew the plot wouldn't keep your attention so don't worry, there are boobs.

Will the bodies stack like cord wood? Will any sense be made of the script? Who is the killer, besides the obvious guy??

So interesting trivia, they actually had an abandoned hospital to shoot this all in. Mind you, that could mean random hobos, rats the size of a hubcap and rivers of piss down the hallways but overall; they didn't have to worry about blocking the building or censoring actual patients.

Apparently the room was packed during Barbi Benton's nude scene. Go figure. I for one was shocked. Why she had to be nude for an examination that wasn't even a breast exam??

This slasher has all the hallmarks of Final Exam or Hide and Go Shriek. A stand alone film that didn't need or warrant a sequel but, of course the perposterious scenario of happenings was really less than feasible. Some good ideas but not well executed. Decent cast and crew, just goofy story.

"Yes, they're real."

Curse of the Komodo

And we are back. Well as I mentioned on Facebook, I wanted to see some more Jim Wynorski films, so we will journey through the jungles of some remote island (regions of California and Hawaii) and see what mischief we can get up into. In the Isla Damas, an unusually large reptile now roams these jungles. This is Curse of the Komodo.

The girls are "abreast" of the situation.

With a night time excursion into the jungles, a team of military men proceed in, unaware of what lurks in this forgotten region. Hanson(Ted Monte of Komodo vs. Cobra, Solar Flare, Bikini Royale, The Lair and Dire Wolf) are all that's left of the spec ops group because the creatures made them snack food in no time at all. Seriously, I think they may have doused themselves in barbecue sauce and went for the gullet.

Meeting up with Becky (Gloria-Anne Gilbert of Treasure Hunt, Countess Dracula's Orgy of Blood, The Breastford Wives, Cry of the Winged Serpent), daughter of said genetic mad scientist, they can hide behind an electric fence. Just don't whiz on it. Moving on, Nathan Phipps (William Langlois of The Shooter, Tycus, Thy Neighbor's Wife, Cheerleader Massacre, Lost Treasure, Final Examination,The Curse of the Komodo and Bone Eater)and his assistant Dawn (Gail Thackray of Hard to Sorority House Massacre II, Hard to Die, Forbidden Games, Alien Escape, Sucker, Masseuse 3 and Revamped) contact the Naval Chief of the based in Hawaii(um wouldn't they be talking to a commander or higher?  Admitting ignorance of Naval Chain of Command) as their assignment was to create large quantities of food and not gigantic reptiles of mass destruction. 

Electric Lounge Lizard!

 The food effected them and caused them to grow.  Remember kiddies, genetic tampering is the new atomic mutations. It does everything.  Naturally the Komodos slurped down our military boys in no time and they want to bomb the island to avoid any investigation into this misappropriations of funds. Ze superweapons!

The Naval stock footage was a great idea and less time constraint to contend with trying to get a ton of permission vs.just a few aerial shots and then sets built.   Less hassle to ask for a fly by instead of trying to get onto a ship to shoot.

Meanwhile a casino heist just went down with Drake (Paul Logan of L.E.T.H.A.L. Ladies: Return to Savage Beach, Stripper Wives, Savage Season, Way of the Vampire, The Vault, Vampire in Vegas and Mega Piranha) Tiffany (Rocky Demarco of Wasp Woman, Demolition High, The Assault, Agent Red, Cheerleader Massacre, Vampire in Vegas and Camel Spiders) and Reece(Cam Newlin ofThe Curse of the Komodo and The Village Barbershop) as they fled courtesy of a helicopter flight with pilot Jack. Hmm, is that Cherokee Jack I wonder.

With a raging storm that was explained happening prior, Jack has to land on the island for their own safety. Oh the irony there, Jack. I love how much of a control freak Drake is. Assuming the radio even worked, he is convinced their pilot will call in the Coast Guard. DUDE! He flew away three crooks. You think he can sidestep the Coast Guard and the local authorities looking into this theft? Oh they had a gun on me the whole time. Especially during the turbulence and that's why I still have a head.

Sir, shouldn't we have red shirts for this mission?

Yes fellow critics, I know. The muzzle flashes are CGI, the Komodo is CGI and yeah I noticed the Enfield Phipps carried was never bolt racked and was treated as semi-automatic instead. Boo hoo.

We can all lose our crap over M-16s being used instead of M4s if you like.

Was curious how evil seemed to get its comeuppance and I loved the disco light poles "electric fence" force field barrier. I know many of my critic brethren want to call this schlocky creature feature when I view it as harmless fun. Admittedly the saliva induced zombification was not explained but you can't have everything.

With the island teeming with komodo life, our thieves find themselves teaming up with the scientists and handymen in order to escape the island and avoid becoming komodo poops.

Not sure why midriffs needed to be seen but Rocky Demarco is clearly crunching those abs. Will our intrepid bunch avoid the super mutations? Will Drake continue to be a control freak? Will Becky fulfill her nudity clause?

There is a conglomerate of pretty faces being attacked by a CGI monster, government cover-up and weapons left on infinite ammo mode. And you point is what? Okay so it's not Gone with the Wind. I'm glad for that. With some mild nudity, occasional foul language, these folk are shooting at tennis balls. Not really smacking each other around, just some meager bitching among the menfolk. Oh yeah, the pissing and moaning is all the guys.

So yes. Have fun with this one. Have maybe a riffing party, drinking game on tropes or just kick back and enjoy a bit of mindless violence. It's all good either way.

She finds Tiffany quite "titillating".