Number 850!!! Zombies for Halloween: Zombie Town

Well folks we have reached that plateau of the week as always. The end of it if you will. I hope your Halloween plans work out, that you play it safe and avoid drinking and driving while costumed. Oh and ladies skip the “Sexy” outfits. Seriously for most of the country it is going to be too cold to wear a fraction of that flimsy material outdoors. Now then I decided to take a peek at some of the indie titles via zombie films and after reading titles like MILFs vs Zombies, Porn Star Zombies, Ninjas vs Zombies and A Zombie Invasion I just threw up my arms in the air in disgust. So settling for an indie title I found a flick shot on film stock and not some crappy HD Camcorder. This is Zombie Town.

PACKERS!!!!

Normally I cringe at the prospect of a writer/director combo because it can lead to misery and pain but Damon Lemay knocked it out of the ballpark with a comedy horror film. Hillbilly hunters up in a cabin in the woods(Are you kidding me?? At least the name of two horror movies, man!) are getting hammered and bitching about their wives when they accosted by zombies. One infected attacks the others and it is fairly gory but looked impressive on film. Roll opening credits as we have no rhyme or reason why there are zombies other than a nod to the local swamp.

Local mechanic Jake LaFond (Adam Hose of Zombie Town) and his brother Denton (Phil Burke of Hell on Wheels, Dirty weekend, Wind Walkers and Legend of the Lich Lord) are trying figure bills and how to make ends meet inheriting their late father's garage. They get the call for an abandoned truck in the woods and our brothers LaFond make their way to the plot device. A quick nod to his ex-girlfriend Alex (Brynn Lucas of The Vault, Convict, Eve of the Dead and Mondo Americana) Denton tells Jake he needs to get off his slacker ass and make something of himself.

Wow, never seen projectile vomiting like that before.

Denton is attacked by one of the hillbilly zombies and has a few issues with that. Otis is a remote town up in Vermont, mountainous and isolated so only one major road leads in and out of town. Jake notices something odd in the town of Otis as people seem to be keeling over. Bad batch of KFC perhaps? Whatever the case may be, there are some of the residents getting back up and becoming ravenous zombies in search for the flesh of the living. Alex is an environmentalist/scientist of obscure notion finds something unusual.

Jake's rival Randy (Dennis Lemoine of The Hiking Trip, Illegal Aliens, Tricks of Love and The Invention of Lying) teams up Jake trying to figure out what in the nine hells is going on. Randy is a decent enough guy but has his eye on Alex.

Parasitic slugs seem to infect and incubate in the bodies of the victims creating more incubators i.e. zombie hosts. Their reproduction is exponential creating more parasites.

Can our trio handle this infection before spreads? Will the whole town be infected? Must everything be solved with a napalm strike?

Between the fairly amusing dialogue, gore effects are pretty effective and keeping the cast down to a few allows for clever interaction. Contained in a small town with local support, the silly gorefest was fun.

Scaffolding protect us!!!

Zombies for Halloween: Zombies! Zombies! Zombies!

Back again for Day 3 of Zombies for Halloween and I noticed something that made me snicker. There seems to be a craze for exotic dancers (Strippers) must do battle with the living dead. I mean clear heels are not an effective melee weapon unless the girl can skull crack that well. This has become a subgenre via Horror and apparently it is deemed needed to have at least five movies that I am aware of. So why don't we gander at one of those then? Well this time around this particular film is taped on a HD camcorder via Canon. This is Zombies! Zombies! Zombies!

So naughty nurse is not a real profession?

With a horror duo director Jason Murphy and writer Anthony Steven Giordano(Zombies! Zombies! Zombies!, The Unbroken, Robo-Dog and Monsters at Large) film vehicle is also known as Strippers vs Zombies starts with the best intentions as the story goes. Searching for the end all cure for cancer, scientist Dr. Stewart (Michael Clinkenbeard of Dark Frontier Vanishing Point Fan Based, Zombies! Zombies! Zombies! And Switch) creates a chemical to promote cellular growth but a drug addict breaks in and accident mixes up the cure and drugs with and shoots up with a couple of prositutes. Enter plot device! Junkie and ladies of ill-repute are zombified and proceed to bite folks around them. Meanwhile at the campy named strip club, The Grindhouse have had their dancers working away.

Yo baby, wanna a hot date?

Stripper pro and fan favorite Dallas (Lyanna Tumaneng of The Fiesta Grand, Zombies! Zombies! Zombies!, and Letters to God) takes newcomer Harley (Hollie Winnard of Death Plots, Hoodoo for Voodoo, The Fiesta Grand, 1000 Ways to Die and The Republic of Two) under her wing and shows her the ropes, pulleys and how best to straddle the brass pole. To offer assistance to our new rookie regulars Pandora (Juliet Reeves London of Automaton Transfusion, All Wrapped Up, Second Coming and Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter) and Dakota (Jessica Barton of Survival of the Nude Reality Girls, The Fiesta Grand and JM After Dark: Volume 1, Issue 1) and just really work with one another. The local pimp Johnny Vegas (Anthony Headen of Zombies! Zombies! Zombies!, Perfect Combination, The Bay and Internal Affairs) has lose a few of his stable, asking the girls if they see them, to send them his way. Really wanted to savage the stripper DJ with a ball bat. What a pointless job description in any universe.

Bystanders make their way to a diner for breakfast when zombie hookers (Imagine using that term in real life) proceed to attack them as they wander their way back to Vegas...hopefully to eat him.

Somewhere down the line Dallas and her guy Chris get the idea to head to the chemical research facility and receive a gob of exposition and handed an antidote.

Can the zombie outbreak be resolved? Will the antidote be the final measure?

 

Well the girls are lovely in spite of following into the jiggly girl category, the camcorder operator needed to learn how to block the actors, there was no real practical effects and they relied entirely too much on CGI gore effects. There is practically no soundtrack to speak of for any atmosphere or even ratcheting up tension. Hell the lighting was pretty painful as well. How do I put this? The Big Tits Dragon was more realistic and more thought provoking. If you want to see girls, zombies and blood, have at it.

Yeah I think the A/C is cranked up.

Zombies for Halloween: Day of the Dead

Zombies for Halloween brings us another helping of flesh devouring monsters as Romero strikes again with a cornucopia of undead so grab a melee weapon, some MREs, water and hope for the best. This is Day of the Dead.

When the wave gets violent.

In continuation from Dawn of the Dead, we follow another group of survivors consisting of scientists, military and civilians struggling through the days, losing hope in ever defeating the onslaught of the undead. Happy pills anyone? Our story revolves around Sarah, (Lori Cardille of Ryan’s Hope, The Equalizer, Tales from the Darkside, Dead and Alive: The Race for Gus Farace and No Pets) an anthropologist assigned by the remnants of the remaining government to solve the zombie epidemic. Along with an electrician McDermott (Jarlath Conroy of The Elephant Man, Joe, Law& Order and Kinsey) a horrendous Jamaican accented pilot John (Terry Alexander of Flashpoint, The Horror Show, Hurricane and Conspiracy Theory) combing southern Florida attempting to find any signs of human life. Sarah’s fellow scientists working around the clock with different fields of expertise work with substandard equipment in a desperate attempt to combat the ongoing plague. Dr. Logan dubbed Frankenstein (Richard Liberty of The Crazies, Love Child, Miami Vice, Flight of the Navigator and Vengeance: The Story of Tony Cimo) is experimenting with zombie’s lower brain functions in the anticipation the undead can be taught a few tricks. Roll over, fetch and not eat my leg I guess are the primary ones. 

Damn, my nose is itchy.  Hey, where is my nose??!!!

The commanding officer of the base sent them on recon to failure; as they return from the wasted trip they find he died in the middle of the night and is replaced by next in line of command Captain Rhodes (Joe Pilato of Effects, Knightriders, Spenser: For Hire, Gung Ho and Alienator) a man barely holding his unit together (no penis jokes please) and his own sanity when all he wants to do cut bait and get the Hell out of dodge. The biggest issue is going where? How many dead versus living are there? Is food and ammunition plentiful? What of civilization and heck is little Timmy stuck in the well?

The clock is ticking for our scientists and Rhode is less stable than nitroglycerin in a paint shaker, will there be salvation or damnation?

This is the part we like to call fun facts. Working diligently on the set of Evil Dead 2: Dead by Dawn, the founding members of KNB EFX Gregory Nicotero, Howard Berger and Robert Kurtzman (Evil Dead 2: Dead by Dawn, Creepshow 2 Phantasm II, Monkey Shines, The Horror and Halloween 5)cut their teeth under George Romero’s third zombie movie, made victims as Greg had an animatronics head made after he is squibbed (rigged with a light ignition charge with fake blood packs), Howard get a head shot squib and twirls to the ground while Robert safely ducked out of acting in this film but got stuck handing out the contacts for zombie extras.

Pace of the story is drawn out but for image impact to establish the futility of the struggle and the lack of humanity as the hearts harden in order to carry on. Romero brings us hope and despair in this movie. So your gore nuts will be happy with the patented work of Tom Savini and the creation of what will be KNB EFX. For the zombie nuts well hey there be plenty o dead roaming about.

Beats doing a flick with Ross Hagen I guess.

Zombies for Halloween: Land of the Dead

We begin with Day 1 of Zombies for Halloween. Sounds like a protest poster held up by a dead man. This time around we go back to the Godfather of zombies himself, George Romero. Now for those unfamiliar with this name...for crying out loud go on IMDB.com and take a gander. Only been making horror films since 1968, people. Anywho, we follow the story of one of the surviving cities of Pennsylvania. Pittsburgh surrounded on two sides by the rivers and the last entry covered by an electrified fence. The former rich and powerful still live in luxury as the working class still in squalor. This is Land of the Dead.

Digital dead!!!  FLEE!!!!

Also referred as George Romero's Land of the Dead, a small army search for supplies, food and medical as well additional ammo. With a handful of cash, debating and influence the city's headman Paul Kaufman (Dennis Hopper of Easy Rider, Apocalypse Now, Blue Velvet, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, Hoosiers, Blood Red, True Romance and Speed) put up the funds to build Dead Reckoning, a heavy armored vehicle loaded with rockets, HMG (Heavy Machine Guns) and a decent missile rack. Armed with fireworks as a distraction for zombies, an armed team with bikes and cars swoop in taking down the nearest dead in the way while the team gets medicine and food. The team led by Riley Denbo (Simon Baker of Ride with the Devil, Red Planet, The Guardian, Smith, The Devil Wears Prada, Not Forgotten and The Mentalist), electronic expert, designer of Dead Reckoning, man of the people and all around decent guy. Denbo notices the zombies exhibiting intelligence and possible memory.

This rug is itchy, man.

This is his last mission as he has enough funds to get a car, fuel and leave Pittsburgh forever...until a low ranking slinger of booze and hookers pimp name of Chihuahua (Phil Fondacaro of Willow, Phantasm II, Ghoulies II, Dollman vs. Demonic Toys, Bordello of Blood, The Creeps and Hercules). Unofficially Chihuahua works for Kaufman as does the rest of the town and those under the luxury condos in Fiddler's Green. Kaufman has more than a few henchmen to take out his "trash". Unfortunately Kaufman has a lackey with delusions of grandeur, Cholo (John Leguizamo of Miami Vice, Die Hard 2, Carlito's Way, Executive Decision, Spawn, Ice Age and Assault on Precinct 13) has aspirations of joining Fiddler's Green given the amount of money he has will afford him not only a place at the Green but to live off the dividends.

Denbo and his buddy sharpshooter Charlie (Robert Joy of Mds, The Lazarus Child, The Hills Have Eyes, Aliens vs Predator: Requiem and CSI: NY) get tossed in jail saving a girl Slack (Asia Argento of XXX, The Keeper, Land of the Dead, Last Days, Marie Antoinette, Mother of Tears, Drifters and Dracula 3D) from pit zombies. All three are in deep kimchi until Cholo convinces the rest of the Dead Reckoning crew to swipe the badass tank and threaten to blow it up until they get cash for it. Say wasn't this a zombie film?

After the last town the crew raided, the remaining zombies led by a zombie/former gas station attendant known as Big Daddy (Eugene Clark of Night Heat, 3 Men and a Baby, TekWar: The Series, Trailer Park Boys: The Movie, Robocop: Prime Directives and The L.A. Complex) and even learn to cross the waters as there was no fear for drowning. Will the Pitt survive the incoming undead onslaught?? Will classes ever get along?? What the f**k is cash good for in the land of the dead??

A few bits of trivia now. Simon Pegg and Edgar Wright make a guest appearance as photo-booth zombies thanks to Shaun of the Dead being the hit that it was. Practical SFX wizard/stuntman/actor/director and producer Tom Savini reprised his biker character from Dawn of the Dead but as a zombie. This was the first "Living Dead" series that had digital effects in it.

Fiddler's Green is actually old maritime folklore for pirates and sailors who have served at least 50 some odd years at sea. An afterlife of legend full of music, dancing and debauchery.   With a $19 million dollar budget pulled in $45 million so not a bad turn of profit. 

Huh, figured there would be more zombies.

Zombies for Halloween

Well folks, Halloween is almost upon us and I felt like cheating for the year because...well I have covered every Halloween movie except the Rob Zombie remakes and nothing against them but there is only two of those films and you got the vibe he was begrudged to take the sequel. Again, nothing against these movies as I felt he created his own Michael Myers story arc away from Carpenter's pure evil. So I decided the easiest thing to review would be a fair amount of zombie films. Now while these are not always been my favorite thing in the world to review, I thought it would be simple enough to gander. Coupled with I was sent a zombie film to review via in the mail. I sense more than a few more films to review so I will be setting up a P.O. Box for more movies to look at.

Maybe he is just doing laundry.

Zombie movies while easy as pie to go through again I have a substantial and ridiculous fear of the shambling dead. Yup, it is stupid considering I have seen over 347 zombie movies but you must press on from this nonsense. A mild issue I grant you but a straightforward concept to contend with. So I have at least two films to review by request and at least two more to find. Could do a recent or perhaps a latter one and hope for the best.

Given most zombie films are based before, during or after an outbreak, they can surprise you. Occasionally you will luck out with a murderous and clever story like the French cinematics The Horde or you end up with a festering, stinky turd like Zombie Lake. It is a roll of the die and a silent prayer that Lady Luck has not abandoned you. So let's give a look to the rotters and hope for the best.

Skeletor does not approve!!

Savage Titles: Savage Planet

Day 4 of Savage Titles bring us off to Science Fiction and thank God for that. Half expecting raper aliens and a women in prison in space. Fortunately, it is none of the above as we approach a distant planet for its riches of mineral,plant and oxygen atmosphere. The planet is being surveyed by humans in the hopes of finding a safe, new world to probably colonize, but they what the get is a mediocre plot device instead. This is Savage Planet.

Sure hope I don't get an off-screen death!

With Earth choking on its own pollution, and expedition was take under way in the search for (No, not Spock) oxygen. Presumably they have a giant vacuum attachment with them. Hey here is a nutty idea. MORE TREES!!!! Our team led by jump cuts and film sped up armed with hi-tech machetes as one of the crew gets his hand lopped off by a machete, falls down a hole, yellow goop completely regenerates that hand and then he is attacked by a poorly Blue screen matted film stock space bear. So to recap, no text scroll of titles, no real introduction to our team and space bears... all in 2 minutes. Yeah I can hardly what to see what happens next. 

Boom Mic guy has been working out, fellas.

Sean Patrick Flannery leads the new expedition as Randall Cain, a charismatic leader that thinks things belong in a museum. Lifted footage from Sanctuary showing you a home of the future and desperate times. Tired cliché of news offering exposition blurted on Flannery's tinfoil covered home as he preps his morning coffee and dear God it is depressing how in shape this man is. Sorry, bitter writer moment. His vacation canceled, he is off to go on to a foreign planet dubbed “Planet Oxygen”. Yeah it lacks punch. Their mission is to acquire an vast oxygen producing plant that will make the rain forest seem redundant by comparison. And they will be teleported on the planet with a long range teleporter. The survey bot that sent a recording was shown to the team via a MS DJ machine...OF THE FUTURE!!! Cain and his team assemble gear and supplies, transform and roll out!!! Okay, fine they just grabbed their gear and went to the teleportation ring.

20,000 light years away seems like quite a distance as they go through what looks like a Stargate prototype and the team scientist arrived safely as he preps the way for the others to come through and he must be deaf as a post as stock sound effect of bear growls and grunts are happening right behind him. The space bears draw near. Our team are going through one at a time to ratchet up tension or they think it is a nifty effect to keep showing and pad the film. Teleporter mishap of folding a guy bones the wrong way but no real worry the character was hastily put together and looked like a prison yard scumbag.

Will the space bears slay them all? Will the team find the needed planet? Can they get back home?

With a thrown together plot from a cheesy dimestore novel we have the characters fighting off space bears. The mildly cool predator POV shots almost made me expect something even more menacing than that but no. Funny thing is, I was just talking to my mom about this flick and she pointed out it was going to hurt. Death by stock footage is nothing new to me in this racket but dammit all, this was a stinker. Earth in turmoil because of humanity, last minute rescue for the planet and next to no budget for practical effects so we get CGI blood splatter, stock footage of brown bears to grizzlies. Yeah they changed species and the faces of distraught actually looked like they were constipated. To take care when viewing this film, because the Space Bears are very cross on the negative stereotypes that were portrayed here. They are all around us.

Fear the awesome power that is...SPACE BEAR!!!!

Savage Titles: Savage Vengeance

Savage Titles return for Day 3 and boy I am regretting this decision for the week but here it goes. An American slasher/rape revenge story brought to us by director Donald Farmer (Demon Queen, Cannibal Hookers, Vampire Cop. Red Lips, Chainsaw Cheerleaders and Hi-8 Horror Independent 8) so feel free to cringe, slink away and hide under the bed. This film is deemed the official unofficial sequel to the controversial 1978 rape revenge film I Spit on Your Grave and well it is...kinda. This is Savage Vengeance.

Night Ranger on the prowl!

Shocking enough is how many alternative titles are under this festering pile of reindeer droppings. Fifteen years after the original film our movie stars the original girl Camille Keaton under the pseudonym Vickie Kehl and because of legal rights issues none of the footage from I Spit on Your Grave could be used but that's okay... we still got the actress so let's just create new footage for the flashbacks. We return with Jennifer (Camille Keaton of Sex of the Witch, I Spit on Your Grave, No Justice, Holy Hollywood, and The Lords of Salem) for a lengthy driving sequence as she oddly enough goes into the woods with a book to relax and enjoy herself only to get gang raped. Now it is at this point you could argue, say lady don't remember this happening last time? But again we are dealing with an unofficial sequel based on the bad dubbing as Jennifer seems poorly inserted for dialogue. Almost like the director didn't count on getting Camille Keaton for the film.

Elvis has a splitting headache.

So four guys jump in the woods and leave her for dead. Hmm seems a bit similar. 5 years later she is not charged with all the murders of her rapists and so she gets into law school.   She goes to a very similar woodland setting with her friend Sam (Linda Lyer of Savage Vengeance) and I am sorry but if this very traumatic event happened to me, I would be nowhere near the woods. In fact I would probably vacation with hired ex-military recon fully armed.

The main scumbags are known as Tommy (played by director Donald Farmer) and Dwayne (Phil Newman of Desperate Teenage Lovedolls, Vampire Cop, Savage Vengeance and Growing Hair)and there are most definitely not to be trusted. Tommy and Dwayne kill Sam outright and yup you guessed it, jumps Jennifer and leave her for dead. Yeah this repetition can't make for a dull viewing pleasure, can it?  Jennifer pulls herself back from the near grave and it is at this point where I am nominating her for supernatural powers. The good ole boy sheriff drags his feet and might as well be playing beer pong with his deputies as he isn't any closer to making headway into this case. This clown couldn't finish a case of beer. The boys treat themselves for a night on the town as they go and get blotted after a job well done... if that could be ever considered a job.

Will Jennifer get her revenge...again? Will these slimeballs get their reward in Hell?

What did I learn from this movie?

Well shooting on VHS in the woods with day for night lighting looks crappy on any format. The re-format to 35 mm does not help this POS VHS abomination.   The movie doesn't look really finished and only clocks in at an hour and 5 minutes but brother does it drag on. So much padding was needed because Camille Keaton walked off the set of this unoriginal garbage so the ending is very abrupt.

Filmed in '88 but Farmer apparently could not get a release date to video until '93. Yeah your film is so bad that five years have to pass before we can think of subjecting this on the public. Well not surprised this was a turd but what can you expect on a film shot on VHS then translated to 35 mm? 

Find me a good one of those.

Elvis, I see a sad future for you.

Savage Titles: Savage County

A fine greetings and hello for Day 2 of Savage Titles. While yesterday was an actual enjoyable women in prison film that did not have large amounts of nudity, lesbian undertones and torture...I know I have just irked a good chunk of my male readers but fellas, really it was fun but this time around we seem to have a gen-y horror movie made in 2010. Yeah I am riveted at this dialogue but I am sticking around for the cinematography. With the stereotypical redneck yokel mongoloid looking men and women hot on these teens' trail for something or the other. This is Savage County.

Well this is the worst Cracker Barrel I have ever been to.

Filmed in Memphis Tennessee, a major party for the kids prior finals is in full swing as a happening. Film geek Patrick (Doug Haley of Van Nuys, Good Luck Charlie, Born to Race, The Intern, Man Up and The Spectacular Now) is prepping a party and a road trip extravaganza. Valedictorian Izzy (Ana Ayora of Marley & Me, Phoenix Falling, The Big Wedding, Chop Shop, Redeemed and Banshee) and her doof, buff and self-centered Class President boyfriend Colby (Ken Luckey of The Legend of Hell's Gate: An American Conspiracy, True Blood, L.A. Noir, Mad Men, 6 Bullets to Hell and Happily Ever After) are grumbling with one another because Izzy isn't putting out enough for Colby's taste I guess. Captain of the Football team Noah (Sinqua Walls of Teen Wolf, Believe Me, Power and Once Upon a Time) and girlfriend Prom queen Caitlyn (Rebekah Graf of 90210, My Roommate Sam, Bro', Killer Reality, and Talbot County) is iffy on both the party and the road trip but Patrick is a good egg. Caitlyn drops the bombshell that she is grounded and remains on her vlog podcast/djing to interact with fans.

Find the dimmest bulb in the room.  Hint, it's not the light bulb.

Megan is a slight bad girl with no direction (Mimi Michaels of Hip-Hop Headstrong, Chromeskull: Laid to Rest 2, Castle, Chosen, 666 Park Avenue, BioShock Infinite, Dope and Quantum Break) with her drug dealing boyfriend that is older than her, Mike (Ryan Carter of Omg/HaHaHa, A Disjointed Proposal, Savage County and First Impressions) are hitting this party...probably to bone in one of the bedrooms. Patrick tries to bond with everything. Our film interspersed past and present with psychos torments their victims.

The kids head out to their road trip and our gang tease Patrick about his scaredy cat ways. To prove them wrong he decides to take the dare of the knock and run on the most dilapidated house they could find. Seriously, if I was in a car accident, leg broken and bleeding out, I still would not have crawled to this rusted out farm equipment front lawn filled crap house. Izzy throwing up constantly hinting to early days of pregnancy as they are off to the swimming hole for drinking and debauchery. A prank pushing the goth girl Angie (Ivy Mclemore of Cigarette Girl, Savage County and B.F.E.) into said swimming hole and she stomps off.   The rest of the gang go to craphole house and anger the creeper old man with a shotgun. Noah hits on the idea to crack him across the melon with a shovel and of course this is the MaGuffin that sets everything else into motion.

Old Man Hardell's family find dead Grampy and seek revenge in the bloodiest way possible. Yeah with slow-mo shots handheld and their goofy masks it is clear that none of these boys are tightly wrapped and start to hunt the kids down.

How many will feel the icy hand of Death?? Can they survive this encounter? Will Jake give a crap?

To be fair the film is acted well and the production isn't bad, it is just predictable and more gory than the 70s Grindhouse Drive-In flicks. Foreseen futures no matter how brief they may be is tedious and drawn out. Not that they have that finite a cast, I think they were attempting suspense. With a degree of night vision, grainy shots and fast edits it could be considered creepy.

Calculable stories and repetitive results annoy me to no end and I was very bored.

Voted: Most likely to die squealing like a pig.

Savage Titles: Savage Sisters

Howdy all and welcome to Day 1 of Savage Titles. As I previously mentioned, the word savage does seem to crop up in quite a few exploitation movies and one of the titles is just that and not just any exploitation film but a women in prison film. Oh yes you know the week is off to a good start when you have Sid Haig making an appearance. So imagine a general being more of a war lord scheming to handle ONE MILLION DOLLARS!!.. out of his region and put in an off-shore bank account I imagine. Well not if Gloria Hendry has anything to say about it. This is Savage Sisters.

My man Rob Zombie can hook you up with a role!

Oh we are in safe hands with director Eddie Romero (The Ravagers, The Passionate Strangers, Brides of Blood, Black Mama White Mama, Beyond Atlantis and Teach Me to Love) as he tells us the slightly risque, possibly tawdry tale of women in prison, revolutionaries and General Balthazar (Leopoldo Salcedo of One More Chance, Bandolera, Vivian Volta, Happy Days Are Here Again, Burlesk Queen and Blood Run) needs to move on an armed caravan full of money and forms a very uneasy alliance with less than trustworthy Malavasi (Sid Haig of The Big Bird Cage, Black Mama White Mama, Coffy, Foxy Brown, Jackie Brown, House of 1000 Corpses, House of the Dead 2, The Devil's Rejects and Halloween) and his one-eyed willie er..um...I mean sidekick One Eye (Vic Diaz of Revenge of the Street Warrior, Crackdown, Strike Commando 2, Blackbelt II, Bloodfist, Fortunes of War and Caged Heat II: Stripped of Freedom) plan to execute the idea of the snatch and grab only to double cross the revolutionaries and keep that cool million for themselves. Meanwhile revolutionaries Jo Turner (Cheri Caffaro of Ginger, The Abductors, Girls Are for Loving, Too Hot to Handle and Extreme Ghostbusters) and Mai Ling (Rosanna Ortiz of Roulette, Bank Robbers, The Young Idols, Panic!, Savage!, El negro and Ransom) committed to the cause get captured before they can hook up with their comrades and are hoisted off to the prison.

Ernesto, I feel a round of exposition coming up.

Refusing to give up their male counterparts, the ladies have been given to Lynn (Gloria Hendry of Hell Up in Harlem, Live and Let Die,Black Caesar, Black Belt Jones, Seeds of Tragedy, Pumpkinhead II: Blood Wings and Lookin' Italian) Sgt. Jackson if you're nasty, to get the info out of them. Captain Morales (Eddie Garcia of Dirty Games, Free to Love, Kamlon, Get My Son Dead or Live, Malisya and Life Begins at 40) knows Jackson will get the girls to talk and he is well on the way to his promotion...little sidenote, his female colonel got a little BDSM on him, lashed him and treated like her sex puppet. Really wasn't expecting that.

Ms. Jackson, we need you to go undercover as a college girl nympho.

Jackson tells the girls to co-operate or they get rough. Like the power drill dildo... Yes I didn't make that up. We saw electrodes, clamps and no safety word in sight. Baltazar arrives at the prison with the remains of the revolutionaries and the banditos they worked with are still at large with the million. With the men dead on the ground, the girls' hearts sink but remain adamant. Jackson almost admires the girls' convictions but she has a job to do.

Billingsly (John Ashley of Hud, Beast of the Yellow Night, Apocalypse Now and The A-Team) a hustler for hire and fixer nearly is shot by Malavasi after showing off his stolen million and he also happens to be an on again and off again lover of Jackson's who tells her the girls might know how to get to Haig and the money. Billingsly sporting his Ron Jeremy mustache and groovin' pimp clothes leads the prison break, scoops up the girls and hightails it out of there not before they smoked close to 20 men. Will they get the money? Will Malavasi will get his just desserts?

Clearly not one for the kids, one of the first films having three female protagonists that can actually kick ass, take names and use men like Kleenex. I was expecting hosing down, torture and the like but we are actually spared all that and have a decent story, mild nudity and some screwy gunfights.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO THAT MAN??!!!

Savage Titles

Welcome back everyone that is still reading this blog. I compliment you on your unique tastes. I was on IMDB recently. Internet Movie Database for those that do not inhabit as often as I. I noticed the repetition of many things. For horror sequels, The Final Chapter is very common and never truly seems to end the franchise in question. The word fine is popular for most romantic comedies and the word savage seems to bounce back and forth for many a genre.

Exploitation pays the bills, baby.

After giving do this oddity, I proceeded to research a myriad of titles ranging from exploitation such as Women in Prison films, Horror and even some Sci-fi. What is the appeal of the word "savage"? Not sure but I am bound and determined to find out and that brings us to the topic of the week. Selecting different titles and having no knowledge of each film so they could be gems or absolute turds. So business as usual.

I invite you to read of my viewing pleasure and/or suffering and maybe, just maybe, we will find some entertainment ahead. At the very least we may have films in need of riffing, which also fun.

Welcome to Savage Titles!!! 

Sci-fi get silly? Preposterous!

Sequel Rebound: Troll 2

Day 4 of Sequels Rebound is here! Yes we have reached the end of week avoiding pitfalls cliches, tropes and other such writing minutia. We struggle through the sequel in name only variety again as the previous movie was not only in my opinion, not deemed worthy of continuing let alone should have been released to the public for mental safety issues it could create. The brain trusts at Filmirage Productions via Italy felt that writer/director Claudio Fragasso (Strike Commando, Robowar, Zombi 3, Shocking Dark a.k.a. Bruno Mattei's Terminator 2) whose English is broken, takes an Italian film crew to the land of Utah and... makes a PG-13 Horror movie? This is Troll 2.

Not an uncommon site in the woods..a chesty brunette heading to Grandma's house, no doubt.

Grandfather Seth is telling young Josh Waits (Michael Stephenson of Beyond Darkness, The Bulkin Trail, The Paper Brigade and Before He Wakes) the tale of the ancient goblins that once roamed the lands, tricking the innocent into trusting them and devouring them whole. Josh and sister Holly (Connie Young, The Singles Yard, Sons of Provo and Heaven's Door) journey with their parents to the far away town of Nilbog. A farming community that seems to be only inhabited by the people of Torgo and the Creeper as they leave their home for a month and exchange with a local family in Nilbog. Grandpa keeps explaining to Josh that the Goblins want to destroy the family. Grandpa may also inform his daughter, Josh and Holly's mother that he can communicate from beyond the grave.

To keep his family for getting ill or turning into desirable goblin chow, Josh apparently pees on dinner. No he didn't whine and complain about the dishes of the day, he literally whizzes on dinner. The parents took it well. These are the only parents that didn't take a strip off his ass.

Hey audience, is there anything up my nose?

Grandpa keeps warning Josh to convince his parents to leave Nilbog but not ever manifesting in front the boy's parents so he would stop getting yelled at. Holly's pseudo boyfriend Elliott (Jason Wright of Troll 2 and Fields of Gold) travels with his fellow virginal RPG and comic book loving nerds in search for hot girls, ready and available. Yeah so you can see where their heads are at...spoilers it is in their asses.

Josh comes to the startling revelation that Nilbog is Goblin spelled backwards which means the band Goblyn hides out in Utah without interruption or fear of being spotted by Bruno Mattei fans. The whole town is comprised of vegetarian farmers that look like rejects from Cabin Fever or Texas Chainsaw Massacre and just give you the Heebie Jeebies. The people give the term creeper a whole new spin on odd. Their body language is more standoffish than normal, they make disturbing leering expressions and overly annunciate everything they say. Will Josh save his half-wit from the non-trolls? Is everyone in Nilbog completely mental? Will Papa Waits stop saying hospitality???

Referred as the one of the worst film of all time, in 2009, Joshua all grown up provides us with a documentary on the making of Troll 2, the impact the film has had on the cult following and how anyone got any enjoyment out of it. From a technical aspect the film is done well enough,from blocking a scene, lightning, sounds and orchestral. With a projected budget of $200,000, cast and crew had their translation issues given that actors were asked to pronounce every word they said phonetically and without the proper inflections. From an movie viewer's perspective, it drags on, the goblin costumes look absurd and THERE ARE NO TROLLS!!!! Would appreciate less stares directly at the camera though. It is relatively harmless and just plain goofy. 

I say we draw and quarter him, fellas!

Sequels Rebound: Bloody Murder 2: Closing Camp

Welcome back gang for Day 3 Sequels Rebound and we moved out of later 80s and early 90s to 2003 for a delightful romp of Summer Camp goodness to arrange campers to repair and maintain the camp but what could ever happen? With the isolation, next to no human contact what is the likelihood that Tracy (Katy Woodruff of Bloody Murder 2: Closing Camp,The Gallows Tree) having nightmares of her lost brother warning her of the camp. This is Bloody Murder 2: Closing Camp.

Cupid's got a chainsaw in: Heartache in the Cross Sections!!!

Placid Pines camp is open for business in spite of the horrors of the previous film...er I mean incidents surrounding the years as the kids are 3 days away from closing up when strange yet familiar happenings occur. The kids tell the tell of Trevor Moorhouse...insert Jason Vorhees tragedy with let's make Jason a tattle tale and disfigured and all that jazz and now Trevor roams the woods seeking revenge for how he was wronged.  Rick, the caretaker (Arthur Benjamin of Bloody Murder 2: Closing Camp) is almost done getting the place ship shape and closed for the season. He has his problem children and horn dogs but overall no issues but his new hire has left suddenly...almost like he was brutally murdered with a machete and rock.

Sheriff Bumbles (John Colton of Van Wilder: Party Liasion, The Day After Tomorrow, The Invasion and Soldiers) informs the kids that it is probably a prank but he will leave one of his deputies to co-ordinate and look around in case of trouble. Two of the camp have left due to the urban legend of Moorhouse and stereotypical superstitious Juanita (Virginia Medoza of Bloody Murder 2:Closing Camp) has done the sacred time honored tradition of Crazy Ralph warning to no avail.

Elvis, what does token mean?

With the cliches and tropes mounting up with have sensitive guy that can't get laid by the good girl who has issues of loss of sibling so he prowls around to girl with loose morals. The Sheriff is handling a few of the murders that already happened and not really busting his ass to solve this plight. With lock down of the camp with the Sheriff and his whole two deputies I don't see anything wrong in the foreseeable future. With exception of poor Elvis (Raymond Novarro Smith of Bloody Murder 2: Closing Camp, How Did You Feel?) getting stabbed and splattered across the walls.

All evidence points to Tracy's boyfriend Mike (Kelly Gunning of Undressed, Unsolved Mysteries, Leela and Bloody Murder 2: Closing Camp) on that tight camera feed Elvis set up and it looks bad for Mike. Is the curse of Trevor Moorhouse a myth??? Where they mythstaken?? Is it Myth or Mister?

A few side-notes on the film now.

The flashback sequences are all hand held, and steady hands I might add. Using one camera for blocking with a decent orchestral soundtrack with some practical effects in different gore gags. Of our cast, the only person I recognize is Tiffany Shepis (Nightmare Man,Thristy, Blood Oath, Chainsaw Cheerleaders, Bonnie & Clyde vs. Dracula and The Maladjusted) playing tough girl with feelings yet again but still a fun addition. So this film is vastly superior to the original but loaded with slasher cliché goodness that we all hold dear.

The safety word is pickles.  Because Pickles is a big boy.