What is the true meaning of Christmas?
Peace and goodwill to all? Mass consumerism? Friends and family
gathered to share memories? Well these extensional thoughts are all
well and good but, I think it means I have another requested horror
film. Yup, no Capra or Sirk requests. No, I get jiggly girls caught
in the middle of an ancient battle between good and evil. This is
Slay Belles.
You strippers is crazy!
In an abandoned Christmas theme park,
three pesky girls Sadie (Hannah Minx of The Devil's Carnival,
FearFighter and Slay Belle), Alexi (Kristina Klebe of
Halloween, The Accidental Husband, Public Interest, Wild About Harry,
Zone of the Dead, BreadCrumbs, Rise of Nightmares and The Kiss of a
Killer) and Dahlia (Susan Slaughter of Social Medium,
Party Monsters, Alleluia! The Devil's Carnival, Ouija House, Cynthia,
Slay Belles, Bliss andThe Dawn) are out and about exploring
this forgotten land of mirth and merriment. Naturally this means an
assortment of selfies. Ugh. Cleavage baring outfits aside, they
genuinely feel like friends that known each other for quite some
time. Our intrepid trio is a gang of YouTubers named Adventure Girls.
Their niche is cosplay and abandoned buildings exploration.
Around the abandoned village, a biker belching, scratching and being more vulgar than Romanian sailors on a
drunken rampage, the girls are a bit creeped out. Unbeknownst to the
girls, but pieced together easily enough by viewers of the genre; the
girls manage to irk the ancient disposer of naughty children, the
Krampus. FYI, the costume's practical effects looks like right out
of the old engravings of the German mythos.
Close Encounters of the Ick Kind.
We have a pulp fiction standing of a
movie or story with sequences out of place. Prior to this visit the
girls sit in with Cherry (Diane Salinger of The Butcher's Wife,
Batman Returns, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Power Rangers Lightspeed
Rescue, Ghost World and Carnivale) and her bar for rounds of
whiskey and a steady diet of exposition about the random bear attacks
in the woods.
Donning risque costumes, makeup prepped
and attitudes perky, the girls scamper about the village, upset the
monster and come face to face with less than jolly Old St Nick (Barry
Bostwick of The Rocky Horror Picture Show, Megaforce, Spy Hard, Spin
City and FDR: Badass), who would rather be riding his hog
(His chopper. Don't be lewd)than dealing with the likes of
Krampus and his ilk. Now our vapid, vacuous, vain girly girls have
to fight for Christmas and the world instead of click bait.
Damn Frat boys. Always doing this to me.
As always with most horror, the cops
are useful as a uranium enema. Ew, that was a nasty visual but my
point still stands. With aid of improvised weapons, Santa and Ranger
Sean (Stephen Ford of Bratz, Maneater, Masked Rider: Dragon
Knight, Private Practice,Teen Wolf and Homecoming) the girls
are ready to do battle. Win or lose.
Alright the meat and potatoes of this.
One: only one real stage or environment to use so cost is down. Two:
There is more than a handful of recognizable faces, Three: this is
meant to be a Horror Comedy and while there is some funny, yeah it's
going to be graphic. Four: The practical effects are really damn
good. Krampus alone looks amazing. I did laugh seeing Richard
Moll of Night Court, House and Circus Kane and well as Diane
Ayala Goldner of Feast, Halloween II, The Collector and Feast II:
Sloppy Seconds.
For those that recognize the area, yes
that is Santa's Village via Lake Arrowhead in the San Bernadino
National Forest. I have only been up there twice but the structures
looked familiar and yeah it is about the size of a medieval village.
It's silly, bloody and just damn odd.
Do I recommend it? Well only if you are in a "Up Yours,
Christmas," kind of mood. I somehow don't see it replacing Dr.
Suess's The Grinch Who Stole Christmas.
Happy Holidays, folks! Be it
Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa or Wookie Life Day; people are out and
about doing their shopping and making cards. So naturally we have to
get in on a Christmas slasher flick. You were expecting Frank Capra
perhaps? So we have have a widow and her slightly estranged family
are all gathered to a remote estate for Christmas Eve. So of course
there's a killer roaming about. This is Red Christmas.
Well the hills do have eyes but they have cataracts.
Filmed in Australia, our favorite 80s
horror/sci-fi mom is back! Diane (Dee Wallace of The Hills Have
Eyes, The Howling, E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial, Cujo and Critters)
gathers her squabbling family up to her home and boy doesn't that
sound fun? Like trying to shave public hair with a chainsaw kind of
fun.
Our Mouseketeers are all set for a
Christmas Eve as they bitch, whine and complain to the levels I am
praying a man nuttier than squirrel poop deals them all in. Minus
Dee of course. Love this woman. Let's meet the family shall we?
Yes this will be as warm and cozy as a flaming straight jacket.
I SLIPPED!
There's boozy, quite pregnant daughter
Ginny (Janis McGavin of Comedy Inc., The Mansion, The Urban
Monkey, The Elegant Gentleman's Guide to Knife Fighting and Red
Christmas) and her baby daddy Scott (Bjorn Stewart of
Black Comedy, Red Christmas, True Murder, Chasing Comets, A Chance
Affair, KGB and Spread the Word), Diane's cold-blooded and
child barren sister Suzy (Sarah Bishop of Skit Box, The Great
Gatsby, BedHead, In a Woman's World, Crushed, Red Christmas and Find
Your Voice), her born again, pervy Preacher husband
Peter(David Collins of You Can't Stop the Murders, All
Saints,Me & My Monsters, Maya the Bee Movie,Oh Yuck!, The
Umbilical Brothers: Not Suitable for Children and True Murder),
Diane's idiot, spliff smoking, hillbilly bearded brother Joe (Geoff
Morrell of Murder Call, Grass Roots, Rogue, Cloudstreet, Top of the
Lake, Nippers of Dead Birdy Bay and Harrow) and Diane's son
with down syndrome who constantly quotes Shakespeare, Jerry (Gerard
O' Dwyer of Be My Brother, Heartbreak & Beauty, Red Christ,
Kairos, Little Monsters and Way Out Assistance).
This shindig should go down quicker
than a lead balloon. The festivities are interrupted due to a
pounding at the door. Looking outside to find a deformed man, Cletus
holding a letter addressed to Mother. Diane invites the man in with
some degree of hesitancy, allowing him to warm his bones.
Diane gives the letter a gander,
refutes these accusations and shuns Cletus (Sam Campbell of
Dirty Bird, Johnny Beretta, The Tail Job, Red Christmas, Bin
Chickens, Small Town Hackers, Fresh Blood Pilot Season) from
her doorstep and denies anything to do with him. With a bit of rambling and grumbling the family calms down. Yeah this didn't chuck
a live grenade in the room at all.
Well it goes the stereotypical route as
these slashers go. An assortment of elaborate weapons used to
dispatch the family with ease. Yeah to go into greater detail will
technically spoil the movie.
Let's get that damn squirrel!
Our mood music is fair, the cast is
decent, the story is drek and filled with the tropes of old. We have
a typical villain done wrong so will have bloody revenge story arc
that holds no new surprises. There was a bear trap death that was
interesting at best and mildly bloody. I think this may have been a
TV movie in Australia. The POV shots were giving me a headache, so
photophobic folks should skip it. You all may want to skip this.
If you're bored and found nothing else
to watch, have at this movie. If you need background noise while
doing the dishes or washing the floor, hey this movie exists. If
you wanted a potential thriller horror mystery, this is
definitely...not the movie to watch. Dee Wallace was honestly the
only shining beacon in this hackneyed attempt to scare me. You
guessed it, jump scares. And no male readers that ask me this too
often, no titty. While I did not consider this a good horror movie,
at least it wasn't the 2006 Black Christmas.
Back again oh Readers of Rotten. Yeah
I am liking that tagline. Feel free to shoot a variant or simply
different term to quantify yourselves, my readers. Today we haven't
had nearly enough schlock in some time; so who better to go to then
Bruno Mattei (Rats, Shocking Dark, Strike Commando,
Robowar, Strike Commando 2 and Island of the Living Dead) and
Claudio Fragasso (Monster Dog, Zombie 3, Troll 2, After
Death, Beyond Darkness,Operazione Odissea and The Squad) the
Mockbusters of Italy. Is the film a Giallo? Is it a slasher film?
We will find out.
This is Night Killer a.k.a. Do not
open that door 3
Eww, your hand smell of Astroglide and pathetic tears.
Wow with in the first 8 minutes we got
nudity (Yes fellas there's titty in this) and I just know this will
be an international epic. We also have English dubbing that may or
may not actually, possibly mimic human speech patterns. This is due
to an Italian film crew needing all lines having everything
phonetically translated. This is one of the many reasons Troll 2 is
awesomely bad. Also question your life choices if you are
considering watching Troll 2 without a drinking or riffing game.
On with the film as we see choreography
on the stage. Work those calves guys and dolls. No they aren't
doing a production of Guys & Dolls. The dancing is all over the
stage, aerobics in the background and the play director looks like
she is doubling over from bad clams. All in all a fun time clearly.
Honestly, these many uncoordinated white folk dancing brings me right
back to Friday the 13th Part 4: The Final Chapter. While
viewing Crispin Glover's character looking like he is have several
myocardial episodes, I screamed at the screen offering Jason $80 to
off them all.
FAME! None of you gonna get it!
One of the dancers shows up late and
director well, she really didn't chew the girl out. It was tame so
she is gotta get dressed for rehearsal and we got a music cue of bad
guy about, with a near Freddy Krueger knifed glove and bad head?
Going by the shadow, folks. An almost Radu from Subspecies hand
eases the changing room door as we gander at nude blonde
soon-to-be-dead. Keeping it classy, right movie? In addition to a
Kreuger knock off mask, he has Zombified, Mongoloid, Hillbilly Jason
Voorhees murder strength; as he penetrates her entire chest with a
slightly effeminate jab. One Punch Man could have made that strike.
Also the killer's apparel is already revealed to be wearing said
mask, a maintenance jumpsuit and a black trench coat. Between Michael
Myers and Jason Voorhees, those jumpsuits just fly off the shelves.
The director has a slight meltdown and
by that it sounds like she is supposed to be frustrated...it came off
like she forgot her lines. I could be wrong. With the PG-13
Tourette's aside, she goes for a smoke and calming down. Ew Camels
non-filtered. I think I figured out why she couldn't project loudly.
Oh in case it sounds like I don't even care about the actors
dancing, there are no credits to their IMDB I could find. Yeah!
That's what I am dealing with here.
Frustrated, the director/choreographer
goes to give Elizabeth Ross (Yup, Betsy Ross) a piece of her mind and
she bumps right into the killer; who rakes her throat with his Radu
claws. 8 minutes in and we are finally getting our title cards. A
few directors still like that gag. Finally, lead characters.
Melanie (Tara Buckman of The Cannonball Run, Silent Night,
Deadly Night, Xtro II: The Second Encounter, Freddy's Nightmares, and
Blindfold: Acts of Obsession) sends her daughter Clarissa
(Tova Sardot of Night Killer) to see her dad. Ahh
divorce but still behaved. Good call, parents. I would also point
out the striking resemblance Tara Buckman has to Linda Hamilton.
Kind of eerie truth be told.
Suburban life of 90's coifed hair,
shoulder pads in business jackets for both sexes and economy cars.
It is winter in Virginia Beach (in spite of being shot mostly in Rome) and
the exposition plot dump tells the tale of the killer as he is
also...a rapist. Yay. Grrr. Really need to start viewing synopsis
better.
Renegotiating nudity clauses.
We know that Mel is a serious writer,
because her whole den is infested with books and she smokes indoors.
I vaguely recall smoking indoors. We get a red herring with her
ex-lover as he drinks too much and sounds like he was voiced by a
drunk Angus Scrimm (Tall Man from Phantasm series).
Melanie is attacked by said
murder/rapist and she saw his face but the events are so traumatic she
can't bear to think of it. A quick technical note, there was a
beginning scene of Tara topless and mere seconds later, she's got a
sweater on. The editor fall asleep or fall off the wagon? Your
guess is as good as mine.
This masked sicko roams the streets and
the cops are doing everything but yelling at Melanie for not
remembering that horrible day. Yes fellas, it's all her fault your
investigations turned up nothing. Jerks.
Will the killer be brought to justice?
Will Melanie remember the killer, let alone who she is?
I get the vibe that Fragasso was going
for an intense thriller and they snagged Bruno Mattei for the
gobsmack collection of nudity and gore as he is known for. You can
really tell the difference in their two styles. The gore is
definitely there, the effects are pretty hammy and the music score
sounds like someone sat on a Casio keyboard. What had the
potential for a good ,psychological thriller murder mystery got dumb
down for blood, guts and nudity.
So if you need implied rape and murder,
see a shrink. If you want complex story line and clever dialogue,
don't watch this. The irony is in the title as most of the
murder/rapes were happening in daylight hours or really well lit
homes. Yeah well this was awful and I am out. Please again, feel
free to suggest titles for future reviews.
Hey folks, I'm back. So a friend of
mine pointed out this particular movie this morning and I had not
seen hide nor hair of it prior, that can be a hit or miss for me.
With the scanty information on this film via IMDB, I had to go to The
Movie Database and the Martial Arts Movie Database. Yeah there are a
few setup that way. This is Snake in The Monkey's Shadow a.k.a.Snake
Fist vs the Dragon.
Look at this poor posture. Shameful.
Hmm the alternative title sounds like
an nearly cinematic gay porno. Eh, no matter. Our movie opens with a
serious demonstration of Snake style Kung Fu versus Drunken Monkey
Kung Fu. Already I am thrilled. It's a martial arts expo if you
will for three minutes. It is similar to Ninja Death II and
Sho Kosungi's demonstration in Enter the Ninja. The intro
title credits song is reminiscent of Fists of Fury or at least that
is what it sounds like to me. Look I have seen a fair degree of
flicks, they tend to blur into one another.
One accomplished master snake who
apparently has been killing off other practitioners of martial arts
challenges a monkey master. I am a bit appalled as this has been
told to us by the narrator. I mean surely they have some authority
they can turn his mass murdering ass over to?
Asian Mark Hamil?? Perhaps.
Long story short, Snake loses to
Monkey. No shocker there. Ah Peter Gabriel jokes...that no one got.
Boy the meat slappers got a lot of work on this picture. Oh
sorry. A foley or sound effect for strikes were two paddle with
steaks attached to the paddles and slapped together for a smack
strike.
Pretty sure nobody wanted those steaks
after a two to three hour recording session.
The main story starts with a boy named
Liang (Because don't all films start that way?). Liang (John
Cheung of Massage Girls, Super Dragon, Godfather's Fury, The 36th
Chamber of Shaolin, 2 Wonderous Tigers, Winners & Sinners and
Bloodsport) is a lowly fishmonger. Hey, the kids bullying
him kept saying it so it must be true. Liang becomes obsessed with
Master Ho (Chiu-Sing Hau of Five Superfighters, Jade Claw,
Stroke of Death and Shaolin Drunk Fighter) and his school of
drunken boxing. He heads out to drop fish off to the local nobles,
the Yans when the younger brother of the Yans slaps him around and
mocks him claiming Liang is the new family dog.
Ho is begged by Liang to join his
school but is tossed on the streets. The rate they were going I was
waiting to hear Aladdin's Riff Raff, Street Rat song. Yeah the whole
town basically treats him like a joke.
ACK! Getting your bill, sir. Yessir!
Enter Koo an accomplished drunken
master taking pity on Liang and proceeds to instruct him. He treats
Liang like utter crap and Liang starts at the Ho's school as a
cleaner. Liang has excellent photographic reflexes as he watches the
students and improves in technique and form. Begrudgingly, Ho allows
Liang to join the school.
The Yan brothers mock Koo and Master Ho
weeps the walls with the snotty punks. Naturally this can only mean
the Yans' honor is besmirched and they will have satisfaction. They
actually hire contract killers to put Ho and Liang in their
place...of death.
Yeah the scumbag snake that fought Koo
earlier in the film is back with a partner and they are looking to
raise some hell for the right price.
What does this mean for Liang?? Will
Master Ho be defeated?? Will they go full Fists of Fury and try to
take down Ho's school??
Okay yes the dubbing is a bit painful
but not compared to Ninja Death I and II. The dialogue
however...well that is a bitter pill to swallow. The choreography
and fight sequences are downright amazing, plus all the wire work for
leaps.
Seeing three completely different sets
of Kung Fu was actually a sight to behold. Snake seems fierce but is
limited to mostly mid level strikes and kicks. Drunken allows for
more limber movement that appears erratic. Monkey is pure mimicry of
an actual monkey movements and attacks. The combination of Drunken
and Monkey was difficult to follow.
Okay the story of humiliation and
revenge from heartless bullies is a trope many of these films share
but as a whole this was enjoyable. Again the dialogue was shaky but
the fight scenes did make up for a lot of it. All in all, 7 out of
10 for me. I may not come right back to it for another viewing but I
had a good time with the picture overall.
Hey gang. Sinuses hate severe weather transitions. So I thought we would endure a creature feature today.
Similar to the 1950s to 1960s, Atomic radiation was the cause for
gigantism,mutations and rabid creatures; the 1980s was all about
nuclear waste causing superheroes ROUS (Rodents of
Unusual Size), CHUDs (Cannibalistic Humanoids
Underground Dwellers) and those pesky Ninja Turtles. So with
that trope at the ready, did I mention this is an Italian creature
feature produced by Fulvia Film? This is Killer Crocodile
a.k.a. Murder Alligator.
Yer dead meat, Paul Hogan!
Yessir, that is the production company
who brought us eerie films like Fulci's The House by the Cemetery
and The Beyond...of
course they also put up money for Joe D' Amato's Emanuelle and the
Last Cannibals or Marino Girolami's Zombie Holocaust. You
know you have high hopes for this movie when the alternative title is
about a completely different species.
Our director/producer Fabrizio De
Angelis ( is primarily for action films like Thunder,
Deadly Impact, The Manhunt, Operation Nam, Thunder II, Karate
Warrior, The Overthrow, Thunder III, Karate Warrior 2, and The Last
Match) has a tall order to fill. Radioactive creature that
somehow doesn't warp the vegetation and animals around it.
A group of 20 somethings start
investigating the very site. Oh Corporate America, you'd got away
with it if it weren't for them meddling kids. The leader of the
pack, wildlife photographer Kevin (Richard Anthony Crenna of
The Blob, The Great Los Angeles Earthquake, Predator 2, Chicago Hope,
Roswell and Landspeed) senses a mystery, teen gang and fires
up the Mystery Machine to head into the unknown fracas awaiting
them. He and his band of enthusiastic environmentalists just knows
in their heart of hearts, nuclear waste is making its way into the
swamps, thus damaging this ecosystem for the sake of cost to
overhead. Yup, never heard that happening in a creature feature via
the 1980s.
Nuclear spillage for us Gen X crowd
meant superheroes, supervillains, zombies, ROUS (Rodents of
Unusual Sizes), giant killer plants and more Italian
post-apocalyptic futures were we wouldn't even see the millennium
happen.
So I'm prescribing a topical cream for those gaping wounds.
For my younger readers, Nuclear waste
or power was the equivalent of Atomic waste and power was in the
1950s. For your generation, you hear all the dangers of genetic
manipulation, engineering and splicing.
Naturally the elected town officials
want to keep this quiet for the sake of the population...and their
re-elections. Jobs, not People! Hmm that may possibly be the
crappiest slogan.
A quick side note, I can't help but feel
like this is a direct competition with the Jaws franchise and the
1979 Giant Alligator but this could be my opinion and no one else.
That being said, the creature attack theme sounds a bit too much like
John Williams' Jaws theme track.
How much Jaws do we have? Well we have
a Quint archetype via Joe (Ennio Girolami of The Nights of
Cabiria, Fury of Achilles, The Feast of Satan, Sexy Sinners, The Last
Shark, Tenebrae, 1990: The Bronx Warriors, Escape from the Bronx,
Operation Nam and Sinbad of the Seven Seas) who says the croc
is as good as dead. Veritable bad ass of our picture here, folks.
Italian Lee Van Cleef (No really, looks just like the man) swears
this to be so. Crenna's Kevin feels like Hooper and Brodie combined.
This is a No Wake zone, ya yuppie jerk!
Let's talk about the creature itself.
There appears to be the rubber coated foam one that floats in the
water, the animatronic head popping out of the water and savaging the
locals and a POV version showing more teeth than the entire Osmond
family. Again younger readers, this is a Donny and Marie Osmond
reference. Hey, nutty idea. Look some of these up yourselves.
Now overall the effects are
serviceable, the bladders that seem to blood gyser their way through
removed limbs could have been done with a tad more accuracy but this
is still fairly experimental FX. In daylight, it looks pretty hokey.
Night shots however is flat out awesome. The creature gets to pop
out of the water and the ADR growls are giving it some scare. Yeah I
did say growls. I know, I know. Crocs don't grow, they have a mild
hiss.
Overall, you have a creature feature
film that has borrowed a few ideas, tried to set it in a location of
said scenarios of creature ran amok in the swamps and the officials
plus some plucky kids want to stop before it's too late. Again,
napalming the swamp would be bad but given the toxicity of the waters
and plants via nuclear waste; the burn off might allow nature to
begin anew.
The English dubbing is a bit painful
and you really get the vibe the dub actors had no footage to stare at
and had to go solely based on the writer's notes. (Scream like a
little girl. Now scream like an elderly checkout clerk) We are not
making new leaps and bounds but this being a horror film lacks
nudity, mild swearing and the blood effects are tamer than a night of
The Walking Dead.
Unintentionally funny and riffers would
have a field day with it. Make it a drinking game to say, "Screw
you, Liver."
Hey folks. Sorry for the lapsed
writing. Long rounds of working and a few freelance gigs. We won't
go into it. Instead I got a written review request of Rotten Reelz's
old friend, Joe Williamson from the Williamson Management Co.
Today's movie is a hybrid mystery thriller horror film. Already I am
intrigued. As many of you know, I don't get garbage to view from
this man. With first time director/writer Patrick Cunningham
and starring Emmy and Golden Globe winner Kathy Baker and
Nolly Hollywood winner Jasper Cole,
this is Anyone Home? a.k.a. Model Home.
Yes happy pills are a bonus!
Again, I get
another alternative titled film. Thankfully it isn't Bruno Mattei's
Hell of the Living Dead and its 15 alternative titles.
Our
movie opens with an infomercial describing a no rent or mortgage down
place to live with slight eerie musical intro as we cut back and
forth to title credits. This to me, says we are setting the tone and
it promises to be all evil. What sounds like a Faustian pact, Brenda
(Kathy Baker of Street Smart, Mister Frost, Edward
Scissorhands, Picket Fences,Chicago Hope, Boston Public, Cold
Mountain, Fathers and Sons, All the King's Men and Medium)
is showing off the new potential home that Camila (Monique
Gabriela Curnen of Lie to Me, CSI: Crime Scene Investigation The
Mentalist, Dystopia, Hawaii Five-0, The Following and Matters of the
Heart) signs on this
contract to live her new home as a sort of caretaker position. Three
houses are complete, street lights are there and the roads are
finished. Several empty plots are to be found but overall a modern
day ghost town. BRING THE KIDS!
Being
a single mother to young Jaime (Luke Ganalon of Bless
Me, Ultima, Grey's Anatomy, Shake It Up, Out of the Blue, King John
and Doc McStuffins), I have
to say Camila there's got to be a better place to start. I'm getting Poltergeist vibes off this cul-de-sac of a community. Not even kids
around his age in this place, a lot of construction equipment,
supplies and regions a kid will explore and probably end up hurting
himself on or with. Jaime finds his remote control spider caught in
an inhumane coyote or small game trap (yes sadly I know what they
look like). Again all these tools, equipment and building supplies
just screams mangled boy!
Leatherface's cousin, Ceramic Head.
Jaime finds he and
his mother's clothes strewn on the ground when he was away, proving
there is someone else around these premises. An ill omen, perhaps?
Camila is still been knocked over of the sheer size of this house.
That being said, I think the plumbing, electrical and foundation need
checking. Also might want to see if any ancient Native American
burial grounds have been disturbed, Satanic rites have happened and
the odd human sacrifice or two. Again, just precautions.
That being said,
the highway is a quick turn up and go back into the areas of strip
malls, fast food and probably the near amounts of grocery stores,
possibly a good vet hospital. You know these in-fills can be like.
Camila has a pill regiment of an 80 year old woman, looks like some
are anti-psychotics and given how "normal" people think of
any medicine for depression to dementia she is trying to keep it
under wraps.
Jaime is making
sure she adheres to her pill intake and boy that can't be stressful.
Camila clearly suffers from bi-polar mental issues as the flashbacks
indicate and I think they portrayed it well.
With that, the
night belongs to scumbags. They would look at an single mother and
her impressionable young son as open season. Would it also be bad
to point out they don't seem to so much as have a patrol car doing a
drive-by to see the neighborhood?
Such isolation the
lovely home wouldn't matter as there are no real neighbors about.
Just open desert, vacant houses and too much silence.
Thank
God for the craft store. The one refuge from pure unadulterated
boredom. Ran by Mr( Jon Jon Briones of Moonlight, Sons
of Anarchy, Proud American, Brown Soup Thing, Southland, The
Mentalist, American Horror Story and Ratched)
and Mrs Fan (Cici Lau of Torchwood, Whitney, Breaking
In, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Mantervention, Love Arcadia and Fear the
Walking Dead).
Enter
Walker (Jasper Cole of Alien Nation, Friday the 13th:
The Series, Pride & Joy, Once and Again, What Should You Do?,
Prom Queen and Nothing But the Truth),
a guy living in an RV and looks as stable as nitroglycerine. He has
also laid claim to several of Camila's personal effects. Surprised
he isn't rubbing them all over himself.
I liked the
premise, the pacing of the movie and the general vibe of the sinister
element hidden in the shadows. Nothing is what it appears to be.
Monique's
performance was nothing short of astonishing, the cinematography is
impressive and this cast and crew had passion for this project.
This film gives a
decent view into history of mental illness, what it is to be a single
mother and how awful it is to recover from a recession. Proof if
proof was needed, that there is no such thing as secure. Whether it
is a job or a home, there will always be something or someone lurking
out there if they really want to.
Okay Rotten Readers, Readers of the
Rotten. After the copious amount of Indie, A list and B-grade films,
I decided I need a change. Yeah this week I am just diving into
Italian movies, ranging from Giallo to action films. An Italian
Infusion if you will. With that in mind I am checking out a Giallo
directed by Antonio Margheriti (Hercules, Prisoner of
Evil, Giants of Rome, Dynamite Joe, The Unnaturals, Death Rage Yor,
Hunter of the Future and Jungle Raiders) this is Seven Deaths
in the Cat's Eye a.k.a. Cat's Murdering Eye a.k.a. Seven Dead in the
Cat's Eye.
Dinner party of the Damned!!!
Yeah you have to take in account for
foreign distribution and redistribution happening over the years.
And re-redistribution for DVD and Blu-Ray naturally. Um anyone else
feel the title might be a giant spoiler? Well at any rate, we are
moving on.
In a remote Scottish village (because
of course it happens in an isolated little town!) a serious
brutal murder of a man happening in...well it either dungeon of
torment or possibly old timey BDSM. The safety word is pumpkin. Our
man of the moment is being worked over with a straight razor while a
pudgy and irritable yellow tabby looks on. Maybe this murder is
for Fluffy's amusement or the rats to dine on him. The rats that
make squeaky toy noises. I normally use a stuffed toy mouse on a
string or laser pointer. I guess my cat is less demanding.
A carriage makes its way to Dragonstone
Castle, deep in the highlands of Scotland where the Scottish sound
nothing like Christopher Lambert or Adrian Paul. A young schoolgirl
Corringa (Jane Birkin of Blow-Up, Death on the Nile, Evil
Under the Sun, La pirate, Dust, The Woman in My Life, This Is My Body
and A Hell of a Day) is visiting her mother, Lady Alicia
(Dana Ghia of Burn!, The Bloodstained Butterfly, My Dear
Killer, Peccati di gioventu, Together Forever and California)
as she has many summers at this very castle.
Thankfully she driven up by the sweaty
creeper Angus (Luciano Pigozzi of The Devil's Man, King of
Africa, Hatchet for the Honeymoon, The Case of the Bloody Iris,
Escape from Hell, The Last Hunter and Yor, the Hunter from the
Future) from Werewolf in a Girl's Dormitory. A guy so
ennerving around young women if he was an action figure he would come
with a hypodermic needle or a bottle of ether and wet rag.
Starve your rats at least two days of optimum flesh devouring.
As they make their way through the
courtyard, we get a piano chord of ominous dread and see what looks
to be a gorilla peering though a window. The significance? Yeah no
idea. Damn dirty ape! Given its numerous rooms, the castle seems
to be turned into a boarding house or just jam packed with guests of
the area. Mouseketeers! Sign off!
Father Robertson (Venantino
Venantini of Warriors of the Wasteland, The Exterminators of the Year
3000, The Adventures of Hercules, Final Justice, The Erotic Dreams of
Cleopatra, The Flying Devils, Ocean, The King's Whore and Tango Bar),
Corringa's aunt, Lady Mary MacGrieff (Francoise Christophe of
The Three Musketeers, Vengeance of the Three Musketeers, Les
Thibault, L'affaire Saint-Romans, Marie Love, The Free Frenchman and
Fiesta), Dr. Franz (Anton Diffring of The Man Who
Could Cheat Death, Where Eagles Dare, The Blue Max and Victory),
French teacher Suzanne (Doris Kunstmann of And Jimmy Went to
the Rainbow Foot, Hitler: The Last Ten Days, Vienna Crime Squad, The
Peppercorns and For Heaven's Sake) and her cousin and heir to
the MacGrieff title, Lord James MacGrieff (Hiram Keller of
Fellini Satyricon, Orestes, Strogoff, Noa Noa, Rome Wants Another
Caesar and Lifespan).
Alicia and Mary are in deep
conversation about the cost of the castle and Alicia simply cannot
use the inheritance from her late husband other than for Coringa's scholastic and well being. Methinks hubby really didn't love Alicia
much but that's just one reviewer's theory.
With the dinner party in full swing,
seems an apt time to discuss family legends and curses, right?
Bit awkward to work into small talk.
"So I understand when a cat walks over a casket, the deceased
can end up being a vampire and plague the living members. Pass the
potatoes please."
Mother, your roots are showing.
After the less than successful dinner
party, Lady Alicia retires for the night...dun dun dun!!! in that
she is suffocated by a pillow via a gloved hand as that creepy orange
tabby watches on. Perhaps the cat controls the murderer. Slay more
of the HOOMANS and then clean up my poops! Obey! OBEY!
FYI, the local law enforcement as are
useful as any of the state troopers during a Friday the 13th
flick. I was surprised they were given firearms and live ammo. I
wouldn't trust these collective heads of knuckle to open a can of
beans that was previously opened.
With a death toll slowly building up,
one is left to wonder who is the killer, why these deaths are
happening and who is next?
The Techniscope is giving a great pan
around, some solid zooms and really give depth into what is being
filmed. Lot of hand held work, 45 degree slant shots and the editing
giving the daylight shots an eerie vibe is impressive.
The castle itself is amazing but
clearly not Scottish architecture as we are in Italy at Castello
Massimo where all $600 sunglasses are made. See what I did there?
The musical score is excellent for
setting the tone and you almost get a vibe of Agatha Christie's Ten
Little Indians as a underlined theme. Jane Birkin was quite good in
it and well let's face it, lovely may not cover her well enough. It
was creepy, good set pace and I enjoyed it.
And I'm back my Rotten Readers!
Readers of Rotten? Gotta word shop this or fans could give us a
better tag. Okay today I have been asked by writer/director/actor
Phil Herman (Jacker, Jacker 2, Burglar from Hell, Tales
for the Midnight Hour, HorrorTales.666, After Midnight, Into the
Woods, Sickened, Tales Till the End, Hell on Earth: Arena of Death
and Tales for the Midnight Hour II) invited me to see a five
part anthology Horror film. This is Morbid Stories.
Patene: Fight the apocalypse with great hair.
Brought to us by Avail
Entertainment, we open with some wide shot of a town resembling
New Mexico. Looks like drone shooting, a bit smoother than helicopter
is. Some static ridden reports over the radio seems to be pointing
catastrophe in the making. A young woman, Candy (Courtney
Akbar of Frontlines, NCIS, Parks and Recreation, Smoke Filled Lungs,
Astro and Paradise Apartments) is enjoying a warm, sunny day
with her Pomeranians. Hey I am a little irked these dogs probably
get a better breakfast than I do. Candy now minus her boyfriend is
moving out shortly but the house itself seems to have gotten
sinister. With electrics and gas seemingly turned off, a car radio
announcement confirms something is awry and danger is on the rise.
Witness an apocalyptic end of the
world and Candy just finished her last car payment.
Fade to black wipe and a title card
telling us New York 15 hours prior. Cut to night shot as we see an
injured man with a bite in his throat where he clearly bled out and
is doing some tell tale zombie shuffling. Time for some patented
Tallahassee Zombieland door smacks. Of course the guy could have
had a rabid squirrel bite him and he twisted his ankle. From a
Satanist POV, he's destined to be worm food.
Dammit, Kool-Aid man is drunk again.
Over to a snoozing couple as the hours
of the night tick tock away. Love that the ill-fated Carnival of
Souls is playing on their flat screen in the bedroom. With rapping
at their house's windows, the Singers Helen (Crystal Loverro of
Guardian Devil, Success, Morbid Stories and Scars of Ancient Futures)
and Jamie (Shane Smith of Morbid Stories) grab a
deterrent (ballbat) and go investigate the mystery of who the hell is
knocking at the door at this hour. A refugee from a 90s metal band?
Who is this long haired stranger (Tim
O' Hearn of Dry Bones, The Legend of Six Fingers, Killer Rack, The
Dummy 2, Death House, Blood Prism and Johnny Gruesome) decked
out all in black complete with leather trenchcoat? He claims he and
several of his friends were in an accident up the road and need to
use the phone for fire and emergency to come to their aid. Jamie
reluctant but eventually gives in to assist. He seems weirded out by
these folk and who can blame him? They demand to be invited in.
Things aren't what they appear to be and Jamie is still considerate
enough to let them in the house. Now being paranoid as I am, I
think that jug of holy water and my crucifix would been out about
that time or at the very least a shotgun leveled at taking a head
off.
In a word, badass. Helen is hell on
wheels. Considering her newfound enemies are Nosferatu or Nesuferitu
if you prefer.
Now unlike typical anthologies, this is
edited a bit differently. It would appear Candy's story is the main
one and the others are happening as the day and night progresses. I
saw something simple with Tales from the Darkside and Two Evil Eyes.
NOM NOM NOM!!!
24 hours prior in California: a
Japanese family are simply being a family. The kids are playing in
the dirt and gravel and eldest sister Mallory (Ashley Mei of I
Am a Knife with Legs, Tango Europa, Astro, Morbid Stories and Clown
Fear) has her hands full with sisters Olivia (Emma
Koiso of Clown Fear and Morbid Stories), Ava (Kelly
Koiso of Clown Fear and Morbid Stories), Aiden (Lucas
Koiso of Morbid Stories) and Jayden (Marcus Koiso of
Morbid Stories).
Obsessed with the selfies, vlogging and
her friends, she isn't bad at the babysitting but she could be
better. Pizza ordered instead of making them a meal? Deducting
points already. Friends James (Austyn Reale of Morbid Stories)
and Lola (Jocelyne Daugherty of Morbide Stories) are
frittering away their afternoon with an Oujia board to contact
spirits. Because that never goes wrong in a horror movie...ever.
James has attitude and is crashing at a buddy's house. Angsty teen
boy issues. Probably body hair, his voice cracking and various body
odors no doubt. Oh and he's sweet on Mallory. That much is obvious.
Due to the negative vibes given out, an entity proceeds to raise a
little Hell for our younglings. Something gets into Lola so you
better lop off more than her wrist or maybe an exorcist. You got
that on speed dial right, Mallory?
Candy is a responsible doggy mom as she
is loading them up with little sips of water. Y'know instead of a
big bowl of it, spilling all over the back of the car and making a
mess. Exposition radio station is warning her of incoming zombies?
Very Zombi 3. Without Radio DJ Fresh Zombi kicking the airwaves with
some 70s funk of course.
Meanwhile in Delaware, a published
novelist/teacher is correcting writing errors on his works. Yeah
just truckloads of run-on sentences and those dreaded dangling
participles. The Horror of it all!!! Improper grammar aside, Robert
Zirn (Will Devokees of Macabre Medicine, Agent Emes 8: Agent
Emes and the Shavous Trial, The League of Science, The Perils of
Posting and Morbid Stories) has the expression of a man
burned out. Trying to bash his new novel out, the house he's staying
at doesn't promote the warmest atmosphere. Hell it's just missing a
cannibalistic family with a homemade human chili fetish and I can see
it getting great YELP reviews.
Being isolated from everything and
anything, Robert is trying to make the new book work, if his paranoia
or random creepy sounds would stop happening. His assistant assures
him this was the best place for him because there isn't anything else
available 50 miles in any direction. Here's hoping he doesn't find a
book bound in human flesh and inked in human blood. After all, such
a book was never meant for the land of the living. The pitter patter
of feet on the roof is disturbing. Caretaker Don (Ryan W.
Phillips of Macabre Medicine and Morbid Stories) drops by to
hear Zirn kinda whine and bitch. This guy's helping you out, dude.
Little more gratitude, man. That being said, Don may need a good
smack. No cable no beer makes Zirn something something.
The house has been making odd noises
during a thunderstorm. Could be the wind or a mess of Chupacabras.
Who can say?
Don gives a cryptic warning to not go in the attic.
My first thought? Mom's chained and gagged up in that attic. Fate is
playing silly buggers with Zirn and clearly he has had a few things
on his mind. Nightmares are hounding him or are they nightmares?
Again foot steps sounding like it's coming from the attic. Scooby
gang of one decides he's gonna see what is a-goin' on there.
Reports of zombies and vampires roaming
about. Lock your doors, bolt your windows and pray to your deity of
choice.
Cut to arty pale goth girl attempting a
rare steak and well it didn't go down well or even at all. Instead
of food, she simply has an injection of dubious fluid or liquid.
Guess she has a taste for the crimson stuff in our veins. Methinks
she is a fledgling to go all Radu there. Armageddon is well into
swing as more vampire and zombies seem to be attacking one another.
Just a vampire girl living or nonliving in this lonely world. I loved
the incidental humor, excellent camera work and the credited acting.
This felt like a bizarre rom com.
Is Candy crushing the apocalypse? Will
Angel get his soul? How many more pop culture references can I do?
Just in time for Halloween, our movie
has been released already to Amazon as of October 22nd.
What we have is five talented stories being told injunction with the
main story. The world as we know is gone and these are the final
tales to be told. Another example of indie directors managing a
good, solid story on a minor budget. Just seeing this you want to
give them a huge budget and watch for the wonder to unfold.
