MST3K Week: Soultaker

Welcome ladies and gents back to the end of MST3K Week and I felt it was fitting and fair to have not only Mike and guest starring both Joel Robinson and TV’s Frank return for the fold.   Impossible you say?  All things are feasible in the kooky world of sci-fi comedy.  Grab yerselves a sodey pop, snag some popcorn and get comfy.  This is Soultaker.

So bacon doesn't fix out everything?

Is it every a time for spoilers to rock?

Ambitious writer/director/actress Vivian Schilling (Prison Ship, Terror Eyes, Project Eliminator and The Legend of Wolf Mountain) tried her gosh darnest to bring us a quality horror movie with dramatic undertones and a love interest story that would span the test of time.   Instead we got Soultaker, an amalgamation of gibberish, at least two B movie actors and an Estevez you do NOT recognize at all.  

As this is Season 10 in MST3K and the very first episode of the year our Best Brains Production came up with the wacky idea that a vessel that has travelled through parallel dimensions, foreign planets and different timelines just might…break down?   Say it ain’t so!  The Satellite of Love is still in her prime I tells ya!   

When it becomes apparent that Mike could not patch a relay let alone find his hinder with a flashlight and a GPS, They turn to Pearl for help.   As predicted Pearl could care less if their orbit decays and the crew roasts like suckling pigs at a redneck jamboree. 

Dream maker!! Oh wait it's Joe Estevez.  Thought it was Martin.

Enduring our overtly dramatic tale of an angel of death siphoning souls to Heaven or Hell, we find that our lead heroine and resident soul sucker might have very well been lovers…in another lifetime.  *Cues Dark Shadow incidental music*

Alas Soulsucker is thwarted by our plucky heroine and her Stamos wannabe boyfriend as they race across town, souls separated from their bodies in a desperate attempt return to the mortal plane.   Will they make it in time?  Will true love prevail?   Will Stamos wannabe run out of his nancy boy hair gel?

Yeah yea I am gonna poke fun at the film now.   Actually I love the host segments of the show.  Getting to see Joel and Frank again even for a short span of time was a great kick.   The end credits of this film Tom and Crow are just vicious to the film as they describe the never-ending torment of Stamos wannabe’s bleak existence and each turn of the page just makes him a horrendous shallow shell of himself.    They slowly snip and snipe at this poor lad and berate him to no end and Mike starts snickering through some of it.

Geez looks like a beanbag with eyes and a mullet.

Led Zeppelin was wrong man.  There is no stairway to Heaven!   Does that mean Sabbath was wrong too, bro?  Yeah it was long winded, confusing, disturbing and a bit out there but by no means was it entertaining nor thought provoking.   Mike and the bots cup your hand gently and give you a reassuring pat to tell you yes it is horrible but we have jokes to soothe your psyche.

MST3K Week: The Brute Man

Welcome readers of the inane lunacy that is this blog to EVEN MORE MST3K Week!!!!

Tackling another Mike episode as the show had transitioned from Comedy Central to Sci-fi Channel during Season 7.  Frank Coniff (TV’s Frank) wanted off the show thus leaving Dr. Forrester to run the experiment with his retiree mother from Hell.  So kick yer shoes off, sit a spell and take in the splendor.  This is The Brute Man a.k.a. The Creeper, creeper, CREEPER!!!!

Mammy!!!

Spoiler, why the long face?

Season 7 Episode 2 brings us a lovely big screen event about the follies of college, the choices that were made and the repercussions to follow.    Invention Exchange has been abandoned for such time as Doctor Forrester really isn’t in the mood since TV’s Frank went to Second Banana Heaven and so he deals with his loathing of Mike and the bots and his mother Pearl moving in with him.

 Prior to the main movie the fellas have to endure a PSA short about The Chicken of Tomorrow.  A fascinating look into the raising and production of chickens and eggs for mass consumption… oh who the hell am I kidding?   Aside from the jokes; that short was duller than the white bread the writer was ingesting as he wrote that boring piece of tripe.  

Tom Servo, won't you come out of your shell?

And now we discuss the amazing cinematic main feature.  A story of life, loss and the ability to creep about town with a face bigger than a large mouth bass, The Brute Man tells the tale of a homicidal killer with a quick temper and a nasty pension for snapping his victims’ spines like so much kindling.  Our steadfast detectives are clearly on the case as the bodies keep piling up without them so much having a clue to why such violence is being doled out or what the connection each of these people means.   With the aid of the mayor’s office the cops have a largest dragnet since Joe Friday first prattled on and on and on.

Soon after the loss of a potentially fine delivery boy his boss seems to loathe, the police manage to link our killer with a former college students and a crippling accident that occurred to one of these college chums.  A dim light bulb goes off in the good captain’s head that this fella Hal Moffet might be The Creeper a.k.a. The Brute Man and preps a daring attempt to ensnare him…by smoking…a lot…really not a lot of action for our thriller protagonist there.   Evading the cops in a less than stellar neighborhood, the Brute is befriended by the most incompetent blind woman.  

Seriously, this woman hears next to nothing, he broke into her place 4 or 5 times and she picked up on not a thing.   Given the size of this guy and the fact his hideout was a fishing shack on the pier I am thinking the B.O. alone should give him away.

I have just a few fun facts of the film.   The obvious original title was The Creeper but PRC Pictures had not nailed down the rights to the name The Creeper and Universal Studios had already established a similar character played by the same actor Rondo Hatton.  Rather than alter the entire movie they simple changed the title card to The Brute Man.   The actor Tristram Coffin (ironically named as he was smoking through most of the film) doubled as the police lieutenant and the radio reporter for all the key plot points. 

Cripes buddy have a Tic Tac.

The Moffet jokes were a plenty as well as various comments about Rondo’s face suffering from a bizarre form of gigantism but overall there is more padding in this film than a freshman’s bra or a wacko basket.   This film just drags on and thankfully Mike and the bots were cruel to be kind to the audience as always.   The scene with the curmudgeon grocer and his poor door mat of a grocer delivery boy alone are worth suffering through this episode. 

MST3K Week: The Brain That Wouldn't Die

Welcome back readers of the blog!!!  MST3K Week continues with the first appearance of Mike Nelson, the next goob that gets shanghaied off into space to the Satellite of Love and the bots are putting him through the rigors of bad movie marathons so he too can be quick with the quips, vicious with the verbal and callous with the comments.  So on with the episode of Season 5 Episode 13.   This is The Brain That Wouldn’t Die.

Nothing ominous here clearly.

Hey, c’mere…look at this spoiler…it just won’t die!

After the previous episode of Mitchell starring Joe Don Baker; Joel escapes the Satellite of Love in an escape capsule carefully hidden in a large crate of ham dingers.   Mike formerly a temp working for the Mads has been drafted to be the next test subject to this putrefying pile of celluloid that awaits him in the theater.   Being rebellious he doesn’t heed the Mads’ call to the view screen ASAP and Doctor Forrester realizes he shall enjoy breaking Mike’s mind and spirit.   The invention exchange begins with Mike’s creation of a umbrella with a gutter raining and spout.  The gutter bumbershoot is born!    Sharper Image is probably still fine tuning it.  Dr. F. develops an ultrasonic device purposely to emit frequencies to pop bratlings’ balloons.   No said name for it but my vote was for the sonic killjoy.  

She's just a head that can't say no! She's in a terrible fix..

Off to the theater you pixies you go!   Mike and the bots plunk down in the seats for a Joseph Green (The Brain That Wouldn’t Die, Day-Dream and The Perils of P.K.) directorial delight.   Our director apparently hung it up after these three wondrous moving pictures and rightfully so.

An operation is being performed on a patient that technically could be brain dead at this point. The lead surgeon throws in the towel and his son/ star pupil demands to experiment on the corpse bringing him miraculously back to life.   The young doctor is believed to be performing experimental surgery on human test subjects against the Hippocratic Oath and the advice of his father.  Those darn kids.

Off to the old family cabin for the weekend with his bride-to-be our suave surgeon butterfingers his driving, slams the car over the guard rail and for an encore, decapitates his fiancée.  Rushing her head to the cabin he manages to save her head in a pan using his restorative formula and her neck juices keep her alive whilst he is out on the prowl for a new body for the future Mrs. Giggles…I, uh mean Cortner.

FINE! FINE! I'LL SIGN FOR THE DAMN PACKAGE!!!

After perusing several doxies he settles on a glamour model that has trust issues with men.  With a bit of coaxing, some drugged tea and evil intent the doctor woos the model into a coma like state and she is good to go on the chopping block.

Meanwhile head in the pan Jan discovers she is not the first of her fiancee’s horrible experimentation as she discovers a latent telepathic ability within her…well head and she contacts one of the less than successful creatures hidden in the basement.   

Havoc issues, the guys get a great chuckle and some of the host segments were downright hysterical.   As this is my 19^th viewing of this episode I may be a little biased.

MST3K Week: Sidehackers

Welcome back again sport fans and boy oh boy do I have a dumb movie in need of quips, comments and snotty remarks.  Heading into MST3K Week I thought I would force you to digest an exploitation film involving a ridiculous sport of a two man motorcycle team ripping around a dirt track like a modern day chariot race.    Oh who am I kidding?  The Mads bring the hurt with this Ross Hagen movie that will leave you with some many WTF moments you will cherish Easy Rider by comparison.   And with that in play it is time to watch Sidehackers (Five the Hard Way)

 

He's taking Franks' brain!  Get em!!

Rommel? Oh you magnificent spoiler, I’ve read your book.

Our “film” revolves around mechanic/sidehacker Rommel (Ross Hagen of Hellcats, Angels’ Wild Women, Wonder Women, Night Creature and Dinosaur Island).  When he is not rolling in the fields with his girl Rita (Diane McBain of Burke’s Law, Batman, The Man from U.N.C.L.E.,  and Maryjane) he is honing his skills as a sidehacker balancing a bike with his body weight on a side car as the bike rips around dug up tracks.   He meets up with a bike circuit entertainer name of J.C. (Michael Pataki Star Trek, Easy Rider, Zoltan: Hound of Dracula, The Amazing Spider-Man and Star Trek: The Next Generation) and they hit it off real easy.  While doing some modifications to J.C.’s bikes; his girl Paisley (Claire Polan of Angels’ Wild Women, Wonder Women, Ladies Night and Action U.S.A.) proceeds to hit on Rommel who blows her off and points out she already has a guy.   Being a decent guy, Rommel kept his distance and Paisley claims Rommel raped her.  J.C. and his crew jump Rommel, flog the crap out of him and kills Rita.   Charming lot I know.

Psst, Ted pull over I have to pee.

Rommel more or less heals up and is out for blood.  One of J.C.’s former crew Nero (Edward Parrish of Sidehackers) goes and hits the street looking for guys to recruit against J.C. including Big Jake (Robert Tessier of The Deep, The Sword and the Sorcerer, The Longest Yard, Starcrash and The Cannonball Run) and he is aptly named.  

A big shootout occurs in this random little shotgun shack out in the middle of nowheresville and eventually the cops may get out there but it is out of the Los Angles main county so there probably was a jurisdiction issue that needed to be sorted.   While people are getting blown away left and right.

Acid reflux is murder, kids!

Joel and the bots flounder their way through this festering pile of monkey vomit by focusing on how cool Rommel’s hat is and the values that sidehacking could bring to not just them but the very world they float in a geosynchronous orbit above.  Also we get introduced to Michael Nelson (writer and later Mike Nelson of MST3K) as he mimics J.C. rather well and Frank is decked out as J.C.’s dependable right hand man known as Cooch.   I swear I wish I made up that name but checkout IMDB and you too will see the horror that is that character’s name.

MST3K Week: Cave Dwellers

Howdy boys and girls and welcome to MST3K Week.  I thought I would share my favorite bad movies that Joel, Mike and the lovable bots have trashed over the 10 years Best Brain Productions had to offer with the inception of Mystery Science Theater 3000.  For those unfamiliar with this show (SHAME!!!!) I will do my best to explain.  Two mad scientists are convinced by subjecting all of humanity to the most horrendous movie they can dominate the world.  In order to find the end all most heinous of turkeys, they subject one of their own workers Joel Robinson (Stand-up comedian and creator of MST3K Joel Hodgeson) into space as a controlled environment he cannot get away from and is fed a steady diet of really horrible films. Along with Joel are his robots he tinkered with are Crow T. Robot, wisecracking Tom Servo and lastly the diverse and ship maintaining Gypsy.    So without further adieu I cast to thee, Cave Dwellers!!!

 

West Side Story: The Prehistoric Years.

Ator: Thong, the spoiler is ready!

This particular episode Joel and the bots have endured an asteroid shower and thankfully they are squeaky clean as Mad scientists Dr. Forrester (Traci Beaulieu of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Cinematic Titanic) and TV’s Frank (Liberal and comedic writer Frank Conniff) attempt to recreate the old Mike Douglas set of yesteryear.   After a ritual known as Invention Exchange where each side is to dazzle one another with their pithy wit, Joel and the bots are subjugated to the abysmal turd that is Cave Dwellers a.k.a. The Blade Master, Ator the Invincible, Ator the Return and Ator the Blade Master. 

Bowflex does work!

From the direction of Italian soft core pornographer/ horror director Joe D’Amato (The Erotic Adventures of Aladdin X, Creepers, Emanuelle and the Last Cannibals and Beyond the Darkness) comes the sequel to Ator, the Fighting Eagle from Alternative Title Week.  Yes I am that evil, folks.

Ator (Miles O’Keefe of Tarzan the Ape Man, Ator the Fighting Eagle, Sword of the Valiant and The Lone Runner) lost his would be bride Sonya and is off studying in some forlorn cave with his buddy the mute sidekick Thong (Kiro Wehara of The Blade Master and Interzone) when they are visited by a young woman, Mila (Lisa Foster of Fanny Hill, Marie, Come Spy with Me and The Jitters) who tells Ator of her father his mentor has been captured by his former pupil Zor (David Brandon of Jubilee, She, The Lost City and The Scarlet and the Black).   Ator and Thong mount a rescue to save Ator’s former mentor but will they arrive in time?

Okay this is the part where I tell you why I love this MST3K episode.  This was my first every MST3K I ever saw.  I got most of the jokes as a wee lad and love it even more so since adulthood.  The bots constantly compare Zor to John Saxon but I myself find I am leaning to a hybrid of Alan Rickman and Terrance Stamp and hey Zor is but a consonant away from being Zod.  

Look out!!! It's Koko the Terrible!!

Our hero makes his own hang glider in the time span of a jump cut which Joel and the bots mercilessly torment the film about.  The plot is shaky, the action a bit hammy but thankfully the wise acres of the Satellite of Love are helping you through it.   Oh FYI, you are not missing much with the extra 15 minutes and no Mysties trashing the full format of this film.

MST3K Week

Welcome readers and I thought we do something fun.  To focus on a show that picks on various movies delving science fiction, horror and really really pointless action films.   What's that?  Can such a show exist?

Well better believe it spinach chins because this week I am subjecting the lot of you to Mystery Science Theater 3000 Week or the abbreviated MST3K for the fans of this show lasting up to 10 years on basic cable spanning from the Comedy Channel to Comedy Network to Sci-Fi Channel.

So a little off the top?