Holy Terror

Back in action, folks and boy this Horror flick has gone off the rails with this crazy train.

This film hails from director/writer/script supervisor Rich Mallery (Samurai Cop 2: Deadly Vengeance, Table Top, Sociopathia, Holy Terror and Darling Nikki) we have demons, the dead and more than a handful of folk I recognize. This is Holy Terror.

Whatever would you like to do, Tom?

Our film wastes no time as we have an exorcism interspersed with credit and title card. Father Murphy (Mel Novak of Game of Death, Black Belt Jones, An Eye for an Eye, Samurai Cop 2: Deadly Vengeance, Syndicate Smasher and Nemesis 5: The New Model ) is attempting to eject a demon from his stolen vessel Hayley (Vida Ghaffari of The Mindy Project, The Catch, Facebook Live with Ford and Vida, Horndogs Beach Party, Hybristophilia and Abeyance).   When things don't go according to the good book, Father Murphy's faith was positively shattered.  With in the first three minutes!   That is setting a dark tone, my friends.

We cut to a quiet dinner with married couple, Molly (Kelly Lynn Reiter of The Hunger Games, My Crazy Ex, Sandy Wexler, The Z Virus, Bikini Car Wash Massacre and Dead De La Creme) and Tom (Jesse Hlubik of Jack and Jill, Down the Barrel, Drake and Josh Go Hollywood, General Hospital and All Cheerleaders Die) who seemed to be going through a rough patch in their marriage. Through a dream sequence, the power of flashback shows a small boy in the midst of memories.

With a bit of exposition, tastefully done I might add; we know that the wee bairn Joshua is no longer in the picture and both Molly and Tom are devastated. Thankfully they are not lashing out at each other in this time of depression.

With Tom off to work (which he starts breaking down and crying, trying to keep his crap together but an ocean sized wave of depression is slapping him down), Molly proceeds to do some chores around the house. She swears she saw something up the stairs but dismisses it easily enough. A loud thumping noise occurs and of course Molly goes to investigate. Molly sweetie, loud thumping is universal for call the cops. There may be a prowler looting. A knock at the door brings about Molly's little sister, Billie (Nicole Olson of Holy Terror).

Okay lady, you've had a bit to drink already.

Tom does not approve...mostly because Billie is apparently a thief and junkie. Molly defends her to deal with her own pain of loss. Billie needs to sleep better and nothing suggests like cocaine. Wait, what? Hmm, I can't throw stones. I usually have a cup of coffee to unwind at night. Mind you it's not a narcotic but eh. Billie has some sort of fit in the night with huge bruising on her leg. Must have been a "Big maaaan." With a worship of the porclean shrine, Billie and Molly have a heart to heart of anguish.

Molly's Aunt Janice (Lisa London of H.O.T.S., Sudden Impact, Dragnet, Savage Beach, Eight Days Carlo, Do You See Me and Darling Nikki) is a spiritualist/new age psychic/crystal hugger. She thinks there is a spirit in the house wanting to communicate with Molly and Tom. Got to say Tom is handling junkie sis and new age mysticism pretty well. You can see it is bubbling to the surface but he hasn't call the cops or gone for a gun. The man is grieving and is only being there for his wife for this.

So with a metronome (a device that produces audible clicks or sounds due to an interval that is set by the user) and a rotary phone(look up rotary phone yourself), the three attempt to reach the other side. Janice senses a entity that is definitely not Joshua. She's freaked because something is trying to get into the world. Something's wrong in the neighborhood...well an unlicensed nuclear accelerator on one's back would make me feel safer. Possibly some salt and iron as well. Cover all bases, man.

I...ate the last...pierogi. I'm so sorry.

Billie is roaming around in a little black dress and her behavior is downright predatory. Billie is just off her trolley as if someone or some thing is speaking through her. Janice contacts her friend Jacob (Scott Butler of Hollywood Hell, The Omegas, Edge, Wiener Dog Nationals, Zombie Night, and Defenders of Time) the young priest training under Father Murphy had lost his faith but must summon his courage to fight against the evil trapped in Billie. We still sure it's not a bad hop? Jacob tracks down nun Catherine (Kristine DeBell of The Great American Girl Robbery, Tag: The Assassination Game, 1313: Night of the Widow, The Great Halloween Puppy Adventure, A Talking Cat!?!, and 3 Wicked Witches) cannot up and join him to fend off the demon. She is bound by church rules as an exorcism is very taxing and highly dangerous to the host.

Can Father Jacob succeed were Father Murphy failed? Can good triumph over evil??

So what I am gathering from the IMDB user reviews, this is "An Exorcist knock off, too slow paced and crap performances". Yes this story is about possession, spirit manifestations and good vs evil, I grant you. Whereas Regan and her mother dealt with atheism and were still saved by a servant of God, Tom and Molly suffered the ultimate parents' nightmare losing their child and a demon tormenting those around them for its own malefic ends.

Okay fine. This is not a big budgeted horror film. We have a serious cast, some good performances, slow tension build up, great camera work and our musical score has left us with an creepy vibe. I think the biggest complaints is the girls in the film don't get naked. Wow, reaching deep there, fellas. So without the promise of nudity, there is no movie? More than half of these remarks aren't even critics. Just trolls with too much free time and not able to comport themselves with a bit of dignity.

So yes, if you like battles of good and evil on an uneven playing field, then come watch Holy Terror.

That could use some Lush facial scrub.

Movies with the word Slaughter in it: Slaughterhouse Rock

Welcome back from the second day of the week. Yeah movies that have the word slaughter in them seems a trifle lame but again NO SUGGESTIONS WERE MADE. Sorry if that was a bit on the nose, I got a couple of messages complaining about yesterday's write-up. I wasn't sure it was because it was blaxploitation or just my idea to watch it. So again the randomness of the week I have an 80's horror film of featuring music by Devo, a gaggle of teens and Alcatraz!?! This is Slaughterhouse Rock a.k.a. Hell Island a.k.a. Alcatraz Horror and Slaughter House.

There is no Alex, only Zuul.

Our story centers around Alex Gardner (Nicholas Celozzi of Pretty Smart, Marked for Death, Carnal Crimes, Hidden Obsession, Campus Hustle, Big Sister 2000 and Deep Cover) a young college student (that seems to be held in a high school) who has vivid dreams or nightmares if you will, experiencing the numerous deaths of victims in Alcatraz. No, no. Not the inmates of decades past, but a vicious killer who dwells in Alcatraz slaughtering at will. His nightmares start effecting the physical plane of existence as his starts sleeping above his covers. Four feet above his covers! He barks, he drools he claws! His friends all share the same rental house and have witnessed this first hand. Thank God he didn't sleep in the nude or wank at night.

And there on the handle, was a hook...

Discussing it with his teacher, Professor Harding (Donna Denton of Nashville, The New Mike Hammer, Death Blow: A Cry for Justice, Glory Years, Slaughterhouse Rock, Gor II and Mike Hammer: Murder Takes All) professor of the occult and supernatural, suggests to head to Alcatraz to face his demons if you will. His brother Richard (Tom Reilly of Paper Dolls, ChiPs, Young Warriors, Kiss and Be Killed, Sworn to Vengeance, Mirror Images II, Valleys of the Dolls and Ice Cream Man) and gang of Marty (Ty Miller of The Young Riders, The X-Files, Without a Trace and U.S. Seals), Krista (Hope Marie Carlton of Hard Ticket to Hawaii, Savage, Bloodmatch, A Nightmare on Elm Street: The Dream Master, Round Numbers and Noctropolis), Jan (Tammy Hyler of Cloak & Dagger, Pretty Smart, Judgement, A Time to Revenge, Back in the Day, Heaven Bound and I'm Not Ashamed) and Jack (Steven Brian Smith of Moonlighting and Slaughterhouse Rock) all decide to help Alex confront this problem head on and boat out to Alcatraz... cause you do that.

Pumpkinhead: Man on the Town.

A friendly and foxy ghost Sammy (Toni Basil of Myra Breckinridge, Five Easy Pieces, The Last Movie, Greaser's Palace, Mother, Jugs & Speed, Angel III: The Final Chapter, Rockula and Eating) formerly a pop rock star of the band Bodybag, tries to give Alex advice to stop this evil residing in Alcatraz and save his friends, maybe bring herself some peace as well.

No sooner does the Scooby gang make their way to land, Richard gets possessed by a cannibalistic demon trying to attack his buddies and brother alike. Can anything be done to save Richard? Will Alex continue to be haunted??

The use of Alcatraz makes sense as the general theme giving us dark dreams, demonic possession, astral projection and ghosts roaming about. Ladies be warned there is an attempted rape. Yeah, that was clearly needed he said with great gobs of sarcasm. This film loaded with some decent practical effects, good lighting, a fair degree of fog machines going on full tilt, the atmosphere is creepy but the lack of enough characters cuts down on the potential for eerie effects. This film has a solid, fast pace giving a flick with horror elements rather than the typical 80s exposition, drawn out slasher film.

Director Dimitri Logothetis (Pretty Smart, The Closer, Body Shot, Hungry for You, Cheyenne, Dark Realm, The Lost Angel and Wings of the Dragon) had a good crew, a decent cast and good direction overall. Not too shabby.

Not even my 80s hair to stop all this weirdness.

Linda Blair Week: The Exorcist

Felicitations my gentle readers. I have returned so you can all relax now. I know you how worry. This week I thought we would take glimpse into the many films starring the talent and lovely Linda Blair. With that, there will be horror, drama and some dark humor. So we need to go back to the famous and infamous director William Friedkin (The French Connection, Sorcerer, The Brink's Job, To Live and Die in L.A., 12 Angry Men, Rules of Engagement and Killer Joe) and writer and screen writer William Peter Blatty (A Shot in the Dark, What Did You Do in the War, Daddy?, The Great Bank Robbery, The Omega Man, The Exorcist, The Night Configuration and Exorcist III) which nominated for 10 Oscars and won 2. This is The Exorcist.

She is gonna kick our butts in limbo.

Chris MacNeil (Ellen Burstyn of Act of Vengeance, Pack of Lies, Look Away, Hanna's War, Roommates, How to Make an American Quilt, The Wicker Man, and Big Love) is a single mother, actress and agnostic just wrapping up a scene in a movie while raising her 12 year-old daughter Regan (Linda Blair of The Sporting Club, Born Innocent, Airport 1975, Sweet Hostage, Roller Boogie, Chained Heat, Savage Streets, Grotesque, The Chilling, Repossessed, Sorceress and Scream) starts exhibiting strange behavior after using an Oujia board and contacting her imaginary friend Captain Howdy. Soon she knowledge of events prior to their happening causing Chris to seek out aid for her daughter through doctors, neurosurgeons and shrinks and no one can diagnose Regan as unhealthy or mentally incompetent.

Prior to these events, an amateur archeologist, historian and priest Father Merrin (Max Von Sydow of Through a Glass Darkly, The Greatest Story Ever Told, The Apple War, Voyage of the Damned, Footloose, Dreamscape, Dune, Flash Gordon, The Best Intentions, Needful Things and The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim) is at a dig in Iraq he uncovers a statue of Pazuzu, a demon he once exorcised from many years ago and senses an omen of misfortune awaiting the world or even himself.

Hold still, Mr. Sydow.  We need this for the poster.

Chris goes out on the town for the night asking her friend Burke (Jack MacGowran of Tom Jones, Doctor Zhivago, The Fearless Vampire Killers, The Shadow of a Gunman, A Day at the Beach and The Exorcist) who in fact, dies by falling out of a window violently. This death is deemed accidental as Burke was a known alcoholic and boy that is the guy for my kid. Hey now all you need is a few crack whores and a loaded gun for the night's entertainment.  The cops of course snoop around and investigate after constant interviews with the police, Chris is met with Father Karras (The Exorcist, Vampire, The Henderson Monster, Monsignor, Toy Soldiers, The Ninth Configuration, Light of Day, Rudy and The Eternal) a priest and shrink who recently lost his mom and his faith develops a rapport with Chris and it is decided that Father Merrin will perform the exorcism. A daunting task taxing mentally and physically for both the priest and the child.

Can Regan be saved? Will faith return to Father Karras? Is Chris deciding God need be in her life?

With a budget of 12 million the flick is shot over Georgetown, Iraq and regions of New York managing to gross over 204.5 million dollars. With multiple endings, alternative takes and even the director's cut released in 2001, held extended footage of the spider walk of Regan walking backwards down the stairs, flash shots of the face of the demon and some examination scenes with one of the doctors.

What many people perceive as the theme song of The Exorcist, composer Mike Oldfield's Tubular Bells brings an air of darkness and horror, refreshes the memories of this terrifying tale but seem to forget the gorgeous introduction of String Quartet No. 1 by composer Kyrzysztof Penderecki.

This film impacts on the faithful, the lapsed and the atheist. With the ghastly notion of a young child taken over by such evil and gruesome effects by Marcel Vercoutere and Rick Baker, it is no wonder this film's presence still haunts many. The lighting, the tone and musical cues bring an eerie reaction on a subconscious level. So if you need one hell of a scare, DO NOT let the kiddies watch this one...unless you need them to devote their lives to the church. Best scared straight story then.

Hmm I sense dread and foreboding.  Could be that burrito though.

Beyond The Door

Hiya folks! Yeah I know you have had a dry week for reviews which is a tad ironic considering how much rain we got here. Admittedly I have had a couple of days of just no idea to write about so I am preparing to get a P.O. Box for movie submissions, suggestions and I guess punishment for getting even with me for not writing every work day of the week. So why not dive into an Italian Horror film? From director/produce Ovidio G. Assonitis (Tentacles, And When She Was Bad, Piranha Part Two: The Spawning, Forever Emmanuelle, Steigler and Steigler, Iron Warror and The Curse) comes a combo knock-off of Rosemary's Baby and the Exorcist. This is Beyond the Door.

WHAT ABOUT MY PMS??!!!

Okay off the bat, this flick is creepy on many levels. A young woman Jessica Barrett (Juliett Mills of Nanny and the Professor, Avanti!, Jonathan Livingston Seagull, Passions and Hot in Cleveland) a young mother in San Francisco is pregnant with her third child and she begins to exhibit strange behavior. Her friends and family become concerned but don't know what proper intervention is needed. A priest flinging holy water, maybe some Gregorian chants, possibly a sit-in. Clueless music producer husband Robert (Gabriele Lavia of Deep Red, The Legend of 1900, Sleepless and Remember Me, My Love) discovers the fetus is growing within Jessica at an alarming rate and thinks that speaking in a demonic voice, vulgar comments and pea soup spewing may be a problem as he doesn't recall this level of mood swings.

And that Doctor, is why I like pudding.

A strange bearded man who seems to be following her husband about and introduces himself to Robert as a former lover of Jessica, Dimitri (Richard Johnson of Aces High, The Message, Origins of the Mafia, The Four Feathers, Screamers, Zombi, Lara Croft: Tomb Raider, MI-5 and Silent Witness) tells the couple he is a cultist attempting to locate the Antichrist and several parties are interested but only Dimitri got a leg up finding them first. With examples of telekinetic powers manifesting, speaking with the demonic voice and loads of green bile, Robert is out of his element with Jessica and goes to Dimitri for help and answers but he only had demands establishing no doctors allowed and the child must be born. Some of the creepier scenes is our pregnant woman devouring a steak tartar at dinner after picking up a rotten banana peel from the street and eating it. I would take this more seriously if the eldest girl wasn't dubbed by a 20 something woman. I had flashbacks from House by the Cemetery with frickin Bob.

The narrations are hinted at being voiced by Satan. It was clever and disturbing.

With the budget of half a million, they cleared $15 million in the box office causing film critic Roger Ebert to give it no more than 1 out of 4 stars calling the film scary trash. With the gorgeous cinematography shot on 35mm anamorphic lens give a horizontal flare versus the clean blue line of the given 70mm process, makes a curved scope to the film. The same process was adopted by Panavision, Cinerama and Eastman. Shockingly enough, attempting to cash in on the success of Beyond The Door two unofficial sequels was to be expected.

While the film was predominately in San Francisco, most of the interior filming was done in Incir De Paolis Studios in Rome.  Rolling in at 109 minutes, this is a bizarre and terrible subject matter and yes Juliet Mills is sister to Hayley.

Your day might be weird when Richard Johnson just roams into your bedroom.

Obscure Italian Horror: Beyond Darkness

Hey gang! Yeah I'm back for more Obscure Italian Horror movies. Say, what is more odd than a Lucio Fulchi movie? Well anything created solely by writer/director Claudio Fragasso (Monster Dog, Zombi 3, Strike Commando 2, After Death, Troll 2 and The Squad). Claudio is responsible for several Bruno Mattei films via "writing". Bringing such goofiness as Hell of the Living Dead, Guardian of Hell, Women's Prison Massacre, Rats: Night of Terror, Strike Commando, Double Target, Robowar, Cop Game, Zombi 3 and Shocking Dark has been most of the knock offs that Horror, Action and Sci-fi has flooded the market for more than 30 years.

Our odd creation today is deemed an unofficial sequel due to mass distribution of a series of every five years to having translation errors that often occur. With the titles of Ghosthouse 2, Evil Dead 5, House 5 and Horror House II, it actually is no wonder most people cannot find this even at Wal-Mart. The most common official title of our movie is found in Amazon so by God let's go with that.  This is Beyond Darkness.

Kids, stop playing with dark forces and go take your baths.

First off, IMDB's synopsis is crap as our minister turns out to be a priest so already huge separation between Catholic and Protestant faith. Secondly, since when does a priest have a family?? Yup I was a trifle baffled at this. Father George (David Brandon of She, Cave Dwellers a.k.a. The Blade Master, The Lost City, Warrior Queen, Eleven Days, Eleven Nights and The Maharaja's Daughter) gives the last rites to a serial child killer and attends her execution. She claims to have devoured their souls and thus giving her power over the world. Her wacky Satanic bible apparently effects the father making him (ALL TOGETHER NOW) question his faith.

Father Peter (Gene Lebrock of Santa Barbara, Fortress of Amerikkka: The Mercenaries, Metamorphosis, Night of the Beast and Fatal Choice) moves his family into a less than savory house. Less all white exterior like say Amityville Horror but a house that definitely defies logic and registers at least a 8 on the Weird Crap 'O Meter.

The good father and his wife Annie (Barbara Bingham of The Octagon, Splitz, Death Mask, The Colbys, Real Men, Knots Landing, Friday the 13^th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan and Cop Target) start to notice odd sounds and sights and begin to wonder if they got this house under other reasons. With a little background investigation (GOOGLE IT DAMMIT!!) we find out that the house was built on the same land when twenty witches lost their britches because all went up in flames via witch hunt and trials. 

 

Witch wardrobe brought to you by Glad bags.

It is almost as Father George's faith was the only thing keeping these maleficent spirits at bay as they are tormenting the family of which one of the children is none other than Michael Stephenson of Troll 2 and The Paper Brigade. Ahh Troll 2...what dog flop. George combines his forces with Peter and they are MEGA PRIEST!!! Actually they engage the spirits in the rites of exorcism but Mega Priest sounded cooler. Would have settled for Captain Catholic too. Can the padres duo banish the spirits?? Will their faith waiver?? Will Pazuzu of Exorcist II: The Heretic make an appearance?

Let's break it down. The practical appliances and effects aren't bad, just dated. A lot of dry ice and back lighting was used so you know there wasn't a huge budget and everyone is written like a one dimensional stereotype. Our pace is dragging so much that snails begin to lap us, the intentions and ideas behind this film clearly feel like they have been lifted from both Poltergeist and The Exorcist but poorly executed. It was said at one point, Fragasso's people tried to get Linda Blair into the project but she shot that down toot sweet. B- for effort, fellas but the lady can do more than spit pea soup. As far as DVD releases this seems to be only found as a double feature for George Eastman's Metamorphosis on Blu-ray. Yea not even a DVD release. 

Confessions of a Priest...The Behind Bars Edition!

 

Dismember December: One Hell of a Christmas

Merry Christmas to the readers for Day 5 of Dismember December! Welp, we have had some clever flicks, some shoddy creations and somethings best left in the Wal-Mart bargain bin and then...we have this moving pictures magic. Plugged by Fangoria magazine, Fangoria Films keeps churning out creations that would make plethora of demons upchuck. I have endured three Fangoria flicks: School's Out, Dead Creatures and Eternal Blood and all were deeply disappointing. Will this be the exception? This is One Hell of a Christmas.

Christmas strumpets!!! Yay!!!

Writer/director Shaky Gonzalez (Nattens engel, Kokken, Emergency Release, Pistoleros and The Last Demon Slayer) brought us a low budget mass conglomerate of horror movie cliches and even greater dramatic film cliches all in one film. Yippee?? Our main protagonist Carlitos (Tolo Montana of One Hell of a Christmas, Kokken and What's Wrong with This Picture) spent two years in the jug just got released and he sounds like a bargin basement of Al Pacino via Scarface or possibly Carlito's Way who is thinking of re-establishing his fractured relationship with his son and ex-wife. He runs into his old buddy Mike (Thure Lindhardt of Into the Wild, Flame and Citron, Angels & Demons, The Borgias, Fast & Furious 6 and The Bridge) who seems to be channeling Jason Mewes got his hands on this uber-McGuffin talisman that is supposed to give the owner incredible powers thanks to the power of exposition.

So are we less than the Gecko Brothers or Cheech & Chong?

Rather allowing his buddy make the mistake of pursuing his family, Mike drags Carlitos off for hookers and drugs because...it's Christmas time?? Mike rips off a drug pusher for some money and this funky claw necklace, only to find out it give you the power of green screen as bullets pass through you, enhances your strength and make you grimace in a ridiculous fashion from (steady yourself) producing a magical cocaine. The talisman is actually a claw from Satan himself and has a guardian of such, hell bent (GET IT!!??) to laying claim back to it, and body swaps to get to both Mike and Carlitos to dispense justice or vengeance or whatever else this schlock written pile of puppy poop is establishing. The possessed remind me of the original Evil Dead in the way they yell and move and that was intriguing but that is all.

Ordinarily I do not jump on low budget horror as I have enjoyed a few but...creates decent gore gags but the demonic entity possessed people look pretty shoddy in the make-up department. The prosthetics looks like something you would see at a haunted house and the lighting was less than satisfactory. With the camera angles similar to Robert Rodrigez with steady cam, a bit of dolly and some crane or off of building shots, it makes it interesting but does not improve the story.

With a script that feels like borrowed elements of Peter Jackson's Dead Alive, Evil Dead and a hint of Desperado, the cliches start stacking up like cord wood. Not the worst film I have endured but certain one of the worst Christmas horror themed. Move long folks, nothing to see here.

Yeesh, with looks like that, I hope he got a discount.

Zombie Stew: The Bone Yard

Welcome one and all to another helping of Zombie Stew. Day 4 and I am not certain I can truly reference this as a zombie film when the film insinuates the creatures are ghouls but hell Romero tried to call his zombies ghouls as well. What do you get when you pair two mildly capable cops an overweight psychic and a few coroners? No, you do not make a flesh golem Voltron capable of seeing the dead and dispensing the law. You get the comedy/horror dealing with decent practical effects a monstrous dog beast and Phyllis Diller as you have never seen her before. This is The Boneyard.

A door?  Damn.  How do these things work again?

Our writer/director James Cummins (The Boneyard, Dark:30 and Harbinger)cut his teeth in film doing creature design and sculpting for mostly sci-fi and horror films and followed the call of writing and directing.

With the police stumped after a series of unprecedented homicides, Detective Callum (Ed Nelson of A Bucket of Blood, Peyton Place, Police Academy 3: Back in Training, Who Am I? And Runaway Jury) and doofus Detective Mullin (James Eustermann of Spaced Invaders, The Boneyard, Cast a Deadly Spell, Woody Burns...a Life and Words Unspoken) seek any assistance to figuring out this grusome series of murders even coaxing a portly, retired psychic Alley Oates (Deborah Rose of Fugitive Lovers, American Drive-In, Troop Beverly Hills, Ski Patrol and The Boneyard) to help find this mass murderer. Their first clue is no exposition reports on the radio about homicidal loonies escaping an asylum and stealing an ax or machete. Tough luck fellas, time to do some real legwork.

NBC's Fall Listing: My Three CHUDS.

With a taped interrogation of mortician Chen (Robert Yun Ju Ahn of The Boneyard) our dutiful detective and flailing physic attempting to decipher what the bloody hell is going on, more deaths are occurring and bodies are be shipped in to the coroner's office. Enter our wacky medical examiners Miss Poopinplatz and yes that is her actual character name and Mr. Shepard.

Poopinplatz (Phyllis Diller of The Red Skelton Hour, Love, American Style, The Sunshine Boys, Uncle Croc's Block, The Nutcracker Prince, Blossom, Animaniacs, Robot Chicken and Everything's Jake) is a crotchety older woman without her iconic wig and only has love for her darling poodle Floofsoms and... yeah that is actually about it. Her colleague Shepard a.k.a. Mr. Roper (Norman Fell of The End, Getting There, Three's Company, Dan August: The Jealousy Factor, Dan August: Once Is Never Enough, Dan August: Murder, My Friend, The Ropers and Beach House) with a pony tail???

Callum arrives with Oates and bumbling rookie Mullin in time for the craziness ensuing as the bodies re-animate and start attacking the living. The ghouls in question are actually possessed bodies by demons known as Kyonshi...really close to Kashi isn't it? Given how some of those cereals are WAY TOO fiber based I would rather the demons named Kashi to give me more incentive to bodily dismember them. So the fiber demons are tearing ass around the morgue attacking both the staff, cops and psychic (of which she did see that coming) and let's be fair, the practical effects for the ghouls is actually really good. Will our dwindling party survive the onslaught of undead kids, men and women alike? Will this shake them to the core and they will have to stop over-acting like Jeremy Irons in Dungeons and Dragons? And what of my spinach puffs in the oven as I write this?

Bit of trivia on the movie now.

Special effects were handled by Jim Henson alumni Tim Hawkins (The Jim Henson Hour, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: Secret of the Ooze, The Boneyard and Muppets from Space) dealing with animatronic creature costumes and zombie effects.

Shot in a standard 35mm Spherical the film, lightning and general crew is professional in spite of the absurdity that is seen on screen. Our film was shot in five weeks with plenty of time left over to add an additional see of a wedding scene between Gordon and Dana that should have been the end of the flick but the scene was never added to the finished product.

Producers Richard F. Brophy (House, The Boneyard, Speak of the Devil, Dark:30 and Harbinger) and Phil Smoot (Alien Outlaw, Home of Angels, Above Suspicion, Night Class, Tara, The Gravedancers and Warbirds) talked about getting both Alice Cooper for not only the music but playing a part along with character actor veteran Clu Gulager for key roles but they declined.

Yeah the rock icon that starred in Monster Dog and Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare and the fellow that starred in Return of the Living Dead and all three of his son's Feast movies turned down The Bone Yard.

Bring your poo bags, FLUFFY GONNA CRAP DOUBLE TONIGHT!!

Anime Week: Hellboy Animated: Sword of Storms

Hello folks and welcome to Day 5 of Anime Week.  I thought perhaps we would stem away from direct Japanimation and show how it has influenced stateside the modern cartoon.  This practice was found heavily in the early 80's with English dubbed versions of Transformers, Thundercats, Silverhawks, G.I. Joe and even Jem.   The method to introduce the theme into modern characters of superheroes and cartoon characters is of course Batman: The Animated Series.  Stemming along those lines it was decided to widen the audience of a popular comic book character that hunts down monsters and squashes them with his red right hand.  This is Hellboy: Sword of Storms.

Well Abe, this is another fine mess you gotten us into.

Abe Sapien: You just made the spoiler face.
Hellboy: Oh, crap.









Our flick open right in the middle of a mission with Mayan ruins, filled with mummies and even a giant  zombie-like bat as Abe Sapien (Doug Jones from Men in Black 2, Hellboy, Pan's Labyrinth, Hellboy Animated: Blood and Iron, Hellboy 2: The Golden Army, Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer and Legion) and Liz Sherman (Selma Blair of Cruel Intentions, Down to You, Legally Blonde, A Guy Thing, Hellboy, Hellboy 2: The Golden Army and Anger Management) lend their voices rather than physical form in the animation.  With the crashing, booming and guns blazing it isn't far too long that Hellboy (Ron Perlman of Beauty and the Beast, Sleepwalkers, Romeo Is Bleeding, Chronos, Animaniacs, Alien: Resurrection, Fallout: A Post-Nuclear Role-Playing Game, Hellboy, Hellboy Animated: Blood and Iron, Hellboy 2: The Golden Army and I Sell the Dead) comes smashing in riding the great big beastie and beating it into submission and possibly oblivion.

Just another day at the office.

Liz torches the room with her pyrokinesis and roasts almost everything except Abe and Hellboy and they are off to BRPD (Bureau for Paranormal Research and Defense) HQ to debrief, shower, change goo ridden clothes and probably sack out miles away in Japan a Professor Sakai, Japanese folklore expert reads aloud an ancient scroll of prophecy and unleashes two brother demons Thunder and Lightning as they possess his body and force him to find the sacred Sword of Storms, the lone weapon that can defeat them.  The sword's current owner greets Sakai with open arms when lightning and thunder cascade from his body blasting artifacts and trinkets about the study.

 The weird crap'ometer goes off and BPRD send both Hellboy, Professor Kate Morrigan (Peri Gilpin of Flesh 'n' Blood, Hercules, The Lionhearts, Fraiser, King of the Hill and CSI: Crime Scene Investigation), a specialist in worldwide folklore, occult and liason to the enhanced talented agents and a psychic Agent Russel Thorne to ferret out the reason for the paranormal activities around the sword collector.
Hellboy picks up the Sword of Storms and is transported to a spirit/dream realm that resides next to the real world where he must protect this blade from those who would use it for evil.

Now just a few comments on the film itself.  I found the artwork to be vibrant, similar to the creator of Hellboy Mike Mignola's work and the voice cast was bang on.  The story was intriguing but the action of the monsters was fairly predictable.  They attempted seduction, slight of hand and trickery to get Hellboy to cough up the blade and it seemed a little cliche for me but then again I am a fan of this particular comic book and japanimation; so it could be said I have seen it before if you will.

Setting the story in Japan with ancient times showing they did their homework on the Oni (Troll), the Rokurokubi (demons whose heads come off or necks extend), the Gashadokuro (Giant Skeleton creature) and the evil Yotmotsu-hisame (ugly woman of the underworld commonly a hag or spider creature) so it did give the almost anime feel of a noble warrior on a quest.

Yup the crap is just building up.

Not a bad story but I found Hellboy Animated: Blood and Iron to be a bit more interesting

Ossorio Week: The Possessed

Back again all as we finish Ossorio Week with a lesser known film than the whole Blind Dead tetralogy.  It deals with gypsies, curses and absolutely no tramps and thieves.  Well maybe a theft or two; so hop in that bean bag chair, grab some Cheetos and a carbonated beverage.  This is The Possessed a.k.a. La endemoniada.

Why the long face, gypsy?

Spoilers will swallow your soul!

As it seems with most movies, there is always homage, something similar and a blatant rip-off.  The Possessed has the qualities of being a rip-off but only in the fact that it combines witchcraft and devil worship in the same sitting.   This under-budget made-for-TV movie starts us off with an immediate story of a gypsy woman is who was nabbed by the local fuzz.  I am guessing what herb she deals with. She is immediately a suspect of the disappearance of a small child and rather spending her less than golden years fending off the big mutha of cellblock D, she hurls herself out a window after admitting that she planned to sacrifice the little scamp to her dark lord and master: Carrot Top…um I mean Satan…I get them mixed up.  

Naturally her coven is most vexed on these proceedings, so they send the saucy gypsy (Kali Hansa of Les ebranlees, Diary of a Nymphomaniac, La cometesse perverse and the Lustful Amazons) to befriend the daughter of Police Commissioner Barnes, Susan (Marian Salgado of Hora once and Who Can Kill a Child?) as a convoluted plot of revenge.  After handing over a bizarre dagger and a bone necklace she tells Susan to keep these presents a secret from everyone.   Unbeknownst to naïve Susan, the weapon and necklace McGuffin were items belonging to the late witch and therefore…yeah she became possessed.  What? Did you want a cookie for guessing that?   Through the powers of darkness (or possibly half hearted FX makeup) the old witch claims the body of young Susan for her own.  Never before have you seen such levitation and well, mood swings!

Just hide the bong, kid.

Okay before I go any further, there are some issues to be addressed.  The following for your approval is thus: Castration, um baby sacrifice and some of the worse English dub actors I have ever heard.  Cashing in on any exploitation film that loves using the Devil as some end all standing for why people kill and maim.  While this seems to be fitting with this one and frankly I could have done without possessed Susan skipping along with a sack in hand.   Not a knapsack or hacky sack.   Yeah I really lost dinner appetite during that sequence of events. 

Lover/fiancée Anne (Lone Fleming of Tombs of the Blind Dead, Return of the Blind Dead, Bad Man’s River and It Happened at Nightmare Inn) worries of Susan’s behavior of late and consults Father Juan (Julian Mateos of Novela, Novios de la muerte, La Carmen and Teatro Club) in the possibility that Susan is possessed.     Susan is present to the coven’s baby sacrifice and she gets to gulp down some of that baby blood beverage too thus, beginning her down her dark and evil path of gypsy witch reincarnate.  The writing is confusing witchcraft or wicca for black mass so a lot of this story arc seems off its rocker.    

The production is not stellar, the lighting and my God the sound was less than impressive for this to be Ossorio’s fourth movie when the Blind Dead films were into their third.   The story feels as though it is forcing too many coincidences and facts down your throat and then pauses for a bit too long.   Hot and waaaaay too cold between cycles.   The violence is a bit over the top but then so is a lot of the film.   Oddly enough most of the violence is aimed as the vengeance of the coven sticking it to the man but you feel as though you could easily take a nap do to the padding of the film to get to that 90 minute marker.

The table is less wooden than the dubbing.

And with that we end our Ossorio week on a bit of a down note.   Stay tuned for next week’s installment of: well I haven’t actually thought of what to do next week.  Keep them eyes peeled for next week though.