Within the Woods: Camp Blood 3

Just when you thought it was safe to go back to this blog...another sequel rears its head. Hey folks and yes I cannot stay away from Brad Sykes' awful movies. It is becoming like a drug I swear. Yes I too was shocked to find out people are still giving this jagoff money "craft" some stories once again but I think he has a rich uncle or he is a coke mule. Pick one. That being said our story differs quite a bit from the previous films. So suck it up, take some Dramamine for the lack of a stabilizer and get ready for acting more wooden than the woods themselves. This is Within the Woods a.k.a. Camp Blood 3.

Well if you don't answer, I am just going to get naked and prone.

When last we were at Camp Blackwood, Tricia was stalked by an lunatic in a clown mask and ill-fitting jumpsuit. First her lesbian nature guide tried to off her and all her friends, then she went back to the woods with a film crew and cast only to be the survivor. I was hoping they would maybe make Tricia snap and be the new clown... but that bit of simplistic writing just ain't gonna happen.

Years have passed since Tricia's run-in with insane, be-jump suited serial killing sisters and an insipid reality TV show producers Tony (David Sobel of Wish Me Luck, Death Row the Tournament, CSI, Dragnet and Las Vegas) has conned er um I mean convinced five contestants to spend 24 hours at Blackwood a.k.a. Camp Blood for a million dollar prize. Folks, for a cool tax free million that clown would be carved into brisket. That being said Tony hires a stuntman to play the "Clown" in order to scare the contestants off and get some jump scares. Big question? One day event is going to generate what revenue? At least a week would give you the potential chance of creating multiple sites for the same gag because reality TV seems to be the modern day equivalence of game shows.

Nu-View camera gave a decent effect here.

But said stuntman isn't the only one running through the woods so let's meet our soon-to-be stereotypes/victims. We got the jock doofus Russ (Phil Lander of Zombie Nation, Black Dahila, XPW: Cold Day in Hell and Attack of the Slime People), scrapper goth tomboy Mel (Denise Lorraine of Diamond and Sphinx, Daniel & Isabelle, I Stand Here Ironing and Chase 'n Madi), pop singer/songwriter Kat (Erin Holt of Mutation, Office of the Dead, Some Sunny Day, The Playhouse and Bloodsucka Jones), bored rich kid Nolan (Adam Van Conant of Say It Again, Sam, Within the Woods and Driftwood) and bouncy jiggly girl Jessica (Stephanie Mathis of Operation Shock and Awe...some, Losing Faith, The Hangover and Get Him to the Greek).

So ignoring the mythos that has already been poorly written, the technical scale has improved and the characters are actually written like human beings. Slowly one by one they are getting knocked off. What's that? Not enough people for a body count? Well you are quite correct. So how about a nudey model and her Belgian photographer get iced by the Clown? Yeah I can imagine you didn't see that one coming at all. Will there be any survivors at all? Will anyone care about that million dollars when their very lives hang in the balance? And what about Timmy trapped in the well?

Okay there are a few improvements since the last two films. Technical wise, the camera work is better, there are actual night time acts and the lighting from that was impressive and the FX is still pretty spot on. That being said however, could anyone enlighten Sykes that a machete is a slashing weapon and not a piercing one? Also giving your slasher teleportation and superhuman strength is way too Jason Vorhees for my taste. Jason is an undead, mongoloid hillbilly so that is pretty commonplace for him. And yes that classification is all my creation and you are welcome. There is no real tension to speak of in spite of the attempts to ratchet it up but no fault to cinematographer when this is what is the director's vision and he needs a paycheck. Furthermore, going out into the scrub brush of Santa Clarita is kinda silly. 

Big Bear is about 40 miles away and TRUST ME there is enough trails that would be safe for folks to run around in.   Lots of ridges, streams and hey a bunch of trees!!! Still love El Jocko fleeing from the clown and his run is more effeminate that Hugh Grant's in Four Weddings and a Funeral. 

Shh, I think I just heard a crappy plot premise.

Action Pack Week: Hercules: The Legendary Journeys

Long ago when the Earth was young, the gods were excessively cruel and humanity was regards as nothing more than feces: to wit they feared the Day of the Excruciating Pooper Scooper, one man stood for justice.  He possessed a strength never known to the little mouth breathers and they heralded him as a hero.  So grab your waterskins, stock up on rations and don’t forget your 40 lb war boat.  This is Hercules: The Legendary Journeys.

That's not a rock monster, it's a rock lobster!!

Who can say what the spoilers truly stand for?

In 1995, Renaissance Pictures created five TV movies loosely based on the Greek mythological demi-god Hercules.  A man born of both man and god, fathered by Zeus the king of the gods he held strength to the likes that humanity had not seen prior and lemme tell ya these people were recording this all down on parchment. 

Bad dog!!

Hercules (Kevin Sorbo of Hercules and the Amazon Women, Kull the Conqueror, Dharma and Greg, Andromeda and The O.C.) journeys the lands aided by his partner (no not that kind of partner, just a sidekick) Iolaus (Michael Hurst of Death Warmed Over, A Moment Passing, Hercules in the Underworld and Bitch Slap)thwarting demons, monsters and overthrowing tyrants.  Occasionally getting into squabbles with Hercules’ half brother and full god of war Ares (Kevin Smith of Desperate Remedies, Young Hercules, Xena: Warrior Princess, Riverworld and Warriors of Virtue: The Return to Tao) our heroes rescued damsels, fought wars and attempted to farm in-between battles.  With superhuman strength, knowledge of melee and blunt weapons and good old fashioned fisticuffs our hero seeks to bring a sense of order where there is chaos.  And what is a hero without his fair share of villains wanting his head on a pig pole?  Aside from Ares being his primary source of torment Hera, queen of the gods loathed her stepson who was a symbol of Zeus’ infidelity and the bane of her existence apparently.  The spleen this woman vents on a guy… sheesh.

After the inception of TV movies, a series was created with the title of Hercules: The Legendary Journeys and lasted for six seasons with a substantial cult following.  Created for the US of A but filmed in New Zealand the standing of this show went worldwide and got the typical explosion of merchandise from t-shirts to action figures.   Given this is a Sam Raimi/Robert Tapert creation there is a lot of slapstick, inside jokes and pop culture references to boggle one’s mind.   The popularity of this series resulted in the spinoffs of Young Hercules, a prequel series of Hercules adventures as a lad as well as Xena: Warrior Princess. 

Not a friendly critter.

 The series was a bit campy and silly in portions but generations of the myths’ fans had their fill and enjoyed them thoroughly.  I do count myself among them in the fact after chatting with more than a few of the cast members including Kevin Sorbo and just pointed out how much these adventures and mini-movies.  It is my opinion that the shows came later such as The New Adventures of Robin Hood, Beast Master and Jack of All Trades got a fair shake because of the sci-fi fantasy fans of this era.

Cult Film Week: The Evil Dead

Hey folks and welcome back for Cult Classics Day 2.  This time around I thought we would look into a budding young horror director who later went on to produce such shows as: Hercules: The Legendary Journeys, Xena: Warrior Princess, 30 Days of Night and Spartacus: War of the Damned.  So get your boomstick and chainsaw and for God’s sake do not read from the book!    This is The Evil Dead.

A dim bulb with a lantern.

Spoilers will swallow your soul!!!

With a budget index of $375,000, some hopes and dreams and a 4 year endeavor The Evil Dead was made.  Director/Writer/Producer Sam Raimi (Evil Dead 2: Dead by Dawn, Darkman, The Quick and the Dead, Spider-Man, Spider-Man 2 and Drag Me to Hell) teamed up with his buddies, producer Rob Tapert (M.A.N.T.I.S., Hercules: The Legendary Journeys, American Gothic, Spy Game, Jack of All Trades and Cleopatra 2525) and this actor shlub Bruce Campbell (Army of Darkness, Spiderman, Mindwarp, Jack of All Trades, Bubba Ho-tep and Burn Notice) to form Renaissance Pictures and helmed their very first horror movie by pitching to investors with a Super 8 movie entitled: Within the Woods.  

Possession or PMS?  You decide.

Among this alumni of loonies is Ellen Sandweiss (Speedbag, Satan’s Playground, My Name is Bruce, The Dread and Dangerous Women) who Raimi and crew conned in being in Super 8 movies and earned every cut and scrape filming this movie.  On to the film as you have been patiently waiting for.

Five young friends head up into the backwoods of Tennessee (Mostly Knoxville and Morristown) to a cabin for some partying, rest and relaxation.  The premise being they will all have to go back to college after the break so this is the last fling to back to school.    Upon investigation of this cabin and its workshed I am hoping they did not drop too much on a deposit.   Odd things start to occur.  Cheryl (Ellen Sandweiss) acts if a force of unknown origin has taken over her drawing hand and scrawls a replica of a disturbing tome.   She says nothing about it other than having a feeling of dread.   As our gaggle of youngsters proceeds to eat, drink and be merry, the ceiling door pops up and of course the boys have to go and inspect like true blue Scoobies.  Ash (Bruce Campbell) and Scott (Richard DeManicor of Crimewave) come across a demented blade with skulls and bone carvings as well as a book that appears to be bound in some sort of hide, possibly human flesh.   Well that hardly seems out of the ordinary.  

Looking about they come across a reel to reel recorder of a man claiming to be a one Professor Knowby (Bob Dorian of Matinee Movie Classics) who reads phonetic translations of this bizarre tome stirring entities of another realm outside of our own.  Dark malevolent spirits that proceed to warp the woods and the very campers themselves, the reel to reel further announces how people possessed by these spirits can only be stopped by the act of bodily dismemberment.   A dark night falls on our intrepid five and you are left wondering who will be next.  

Relationship on the rocks...

And now just a few side notes here on the film.   The two drunken fishermen by the side of the road are Sam Raimi and Rob Tapert because well…I guess they needed some screen credit and it was a bit part.  Sam Raimi, ham that he is the voice of the evil force roaming the woods.   Creature effects were rough and thrown together, the script was only 90 pages long so there feels like a lot of lag between scenes and Bruce’s acting is a trifle over the top.   The fact remains is this is the first horror film to have a sole male survivor, improvised camera angle known as the shaky cam giving wider range of movement and loads of stop animation in homage to stop motion and puppeteering.    That all being said, modern day splatter gore fans are probably gonna chuckle through it and wonder why it fell on the ban list of horror.

Before They Were Stars: Darkman

Hey all! We travel further into Before They Were Stars week and let us focus on a fellow who started as he called it a bit actor in some impressive films such as Excalibur, Krull and The Bounty.  So I thought we would reflect on his first lead role.    So get your popcorn and soda, enjoy your comfy chair.  This is Darkman.

Spoilers operate from the shadows…

Director Sam Raimi (The Evil Dead, Evil Dead II, The Quick and the Dead, For Love of the Game, The Gift and Spider-Man) gathers a team of writers such as: Chuck Pfarrer (The Jackal, Red Planet and Virus), Ivan Raimi (Easy Wheels, Army of Darkness, Spy Game and Spiderman 3) Daniel Goldin (Out on a Limb and Stephen King’s Dead Zone) and Joshua Goldin (Out on a Limb, Wonderful World and Outlaw Country) collaborate to create a good, decent man and break him slowly.    With the haunting composure of Danny Elfman (Batman, Beetlejuice, The Flash, Batman Returns, Army of Darkness, Batman: The Animated Series, Tales from the Crypt and Mars Attacks) a gang war is spreading over the territories and land is being snatched up left and right no matter what the cost.   To what end you may ask?   We then shoot over to Doctor Peyton Westlake’s (Liam Neeson of Excalibur, Rob Roy, Schindler’s List, Gangs of New York, Love Actually, Batman Begins and Taken) laboratory as he and his assistant Yakitito (Nelson Mashita of Rising Sun, Independence Day, Drive and NYPD Blue) are attempting to create an artificial skin that would replace skin graphs and deep tissue burns, the catch is they cannot seem to get it to last beyond 100 minutes of exposure to light.   

So close to this discovery that would benefit humanity he discusses the experiment with lawyer girlfriend Julie Hastings (Frances McDormand of Raising Arizona, Mississippi Burning, Hidden Agenda, Fargo, Primal Fear, Wonder Boys and Almost Famous) whose pesky need for the truth may have uncovered some unsavory acts in zoning laws for the newest construction by Louis Strack (Colin Friels of Water Rats, Dark City,The Book of Revelation, BlackJack: Dead Memory, BlackJack: At the Gates and BlackJack:Ghosts) would appear to not only Strack Industries is accountable for bribes but in league with a nefarious criminal Robert G Durant (Larry Drake of L.A. Law, Dr. Giggles, Prey, Darkman II: The Return of Durant and The Beast) on this lucrative land grab scheme to net millions.  

Durant and his boys hit Westlake’s lab, pummeling and disfiguring him as well as killing Yakitito blowing up Westlake’s lab sending him in a fireball out to sea.   He awakes in the hospital but the explosion has altered him.  40% of his body is covered in burns and to cease him from having pain the doctor( Jenny Agutter of Logan’s Run, The Man in the Iron Mask, Equus, Dominique, An American Werewolf in London and MI-5) does a procedure to block the nerve endings are greatly damaged in the fact he can hardly feel anything.   With this in mind, he feels as though he is going through sensory deprivation and is easily angered causing a huge surge of adrenaline within him giving him uncharted amounts of strength.  Little point of observation, I swear one of the visiting doctors looks like John Landis (director of Animal House, An American Werewolf in London, The Blues Brothers and Coming to America).   

Afraid, ruined and broken, Westlake attempts to continue his research if not to be reunited with Julie but to take revenge on Durant and his cronies.   With all his equipment and synthetic skin at his abandoned factory (must be New York, the heroes and villains always find an abandoned factory) the ready he plots and schemes how to best destroy the men that took his life. 

You get the feel of a hybrid of a 1940’s radio show based on the villains’ dialogue but the seamy underbelly of a 1980’s graphic novel all jumbled together.  With influences like the Looney Tunes, Three Stooges and Marvel Comics is it any wonder this film is as insane as it is well constructed.  We get old favorite POV views as well as; Gunsight POV, Ram-o Cam and Shaky Cam as well.   Raimi of course keeps to his favorites to work with and we do get an appearance of Bruce Campbell, his brother Ted Raimi and Dan Hicks; you just gotta keep them eyes peeled. Over the top villains, a tormented hero and of course, the dame with the gams it’s a fun and bizarre ride.

SyFy Monster Movie Week: Dinocroc vs Supergator

Hey folks I am back again with fun filled bad movie week of the dreaded channel of SyFy...  Yes the stink of this film is so pungent, you may be required a hanky while viewing.  So kick back, relax on your chair or sofa.  This is Dinocroc vs Supergator.

Spoilers are everywhere in the deep...
With producer/writer/director Roger Corman (The Wasp Woman, A Bucket of Blood, Little Shop of Horrors, Not of this Earth, The Trip, Death Race 2000 and Cockfighter) in league with his protege writer/director Jim Wynorski (Dinosaur Island, Return of the Swamp Thing, Demoltion High, Vampirella and Raptor) come the story of the ages... not it is actually CGI crocodile versus alligator.   As our tale unfolds, a biochemical and genetics laboratory are secretly breeding and manipulating the DNA of these creatures and to what end?   

Shockingly enough the film is shot in Wynorski's town of choice Santa Clarita and some of Kauai Hawaii.  Seems all top secret projects of this magnitude are shot on these two locations or I have seen too many Wynorski flicks.   Naturally due to all the safeguard protocols in said lab, the creatures both escape and start turning the island into the human buffet.  Owner Drake (David Carradine of Death Race 2000, Kung Fu, Kill Bill: Vol. 1, Kill Bill: Vol. 2 and Hell Ride) does not bother to alert the proper authorities and insists on a covert hunting team to track, tranq and retrieve his wayward creatures as money is no object in these matters.

FBI agent Paul Beaumont (Corey Landis of Lost in the Woods, Changing Hands, Camel Spiders and Dracula: Reborn) our death defying investigator who looks like he is late for a frat hazing is trying to figure out what Drake has created in his labs but cannot get enough concrete evidence to justify his work to the brass to snare Drake.  Decides today is a good day for fishing and heads that route.  Fish and game agent Cassidy Swanson (Amy Rasimas Holt of Girls Gone Psycho, Desire, No Game and Exposed Negative) and Dad are called into check out the whereabouts of missing hikers on the island unaware of the untold dangers of the island, our ditzy heroine makes her way to the danger.  With a helicopter assist, a mercenary team move at least an hour ahead of the Fish and Game to lock and load and dump down on dem fools.  Yeah I did not just make up that clever bit of dialogue.  

With any Wynorski creature film you can expect large breasted girlies screaming to the level that would rival Jamie Lee Curtis and Leanna Quigley, Assault weapons and sidearms of infinite ammo and really less that savory CGI FX.  Bottom line, this is a drinking game movie.

Lake Placid's magic..

Well folks I am back with the end of sequels that really didn’t need to be and what better way to round that out than with another creature feature series than a series of killer crocodiles not indigenous to the area.   So strap on your meat suits, grab your stupid signs and don’t bother wondering what’s in the lake with you.   This is Lake Placid Collective.

Spoilers stay around where the prey is…

In 1999, TV writer David E. Kelly (L.A. Law, The Practice, Ally McBeal and Boston Legal) took a whack at a treatment that got enough love to be made into a feature film that has been a cult classic. Lake Placid is helmed by Director Steve Miner (Friday the 13^th Part 2, Friday the 13^th Part III, House, Warlock, Forever Young and Halloween H20: 20 Years Later) is probably more used to biped creatures that don’t seem to die rather than a creature out of its usual element.  In Black Lake Maine lurks a 30 foot saltwater crocodile munching its way through the ecosystem.  Fish and Game are doing a survey on perch in the area and notice unusual drag marks in the mud.  A paleontologist from The American Museum of Natural History (Bridget Fonda of Godfather Part III, Point of No Return, Singles, Army of Darkness and Kiss of the Dragon) is to examine a tooth that may be part of the cause depopulation in wild life.  The local sheriff (Brendan Gleeson of The General, Mission: Impossible II, Wild About Harry, Troy and Beowulf) is dragging his feet on the possibility that there is a huge predator around this massive lake until he find decapitated moose head and head of a Fish and Game deputy. 

What makes this film so enjoyable is Mrs. Delores Bickerman (Betty White of Mama’s Family, Golden Girls, Pound Puppies, Boston Legal, Hot in Cleveland) as a crotchety mature woman with the most vulgar mouth raising and feeding said croc and Professor of ancient mythology and crocodile fanatic Hector Cyr (Oliver Platt of Flatliners, Diggstown, The Three Musketeers and Three to Tango).  These two have some of the best lines and as mix mashed as the group feels it all coalesced together.  With a massive amount of tranquilizers the croc is taken in alive.  All is well until a second croc appears and the sheriff gets to vaporize it with a 40 mm grenade launcher.  God bless rednecks, huh?  As our film comes to an end we see Mrs. Bickerman feeding infant crocs thus bringing us to…yeah a sequel. What, do you want a cookie for getting that right?  Moocher.

Lake Placid 2 is helmed by Syfy Channel director David Flores (Boa vs Python, S.S. Doomtrooper and Sands of Oblivion) appears on the scene 8 years later after the original was made.  Bit of a delay but hey Syfy channel needs their creature features somehow. We do the cliché that Mrs. Bickerman passed on and her sister Sadie (Cloris Leachman of Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, Young Frankenstein, Mary Tyler Moore and It Happened One Christmas) now has the house by the lake as well as there’s a new sheriff in town and his name is Bo Duke…er…um I mean James Riley (John Schneider of Dukes of Hazzard, Loving, Touched by an Angel, Nip/ Tuck and Smallville)and well this Duke boy finds shenanigans in this made-for-tv movie with unrated scenes via DVD only.  This means if you find the lack of original plot annoying, don’t fret because boobies are on the scene.  The CGI of the crocs looks unfinished, they move like at the speed of pregnant yak and the Fish and Game apparently have access to military hardware.  Sadie apparently had been feeding the crocs meat with growth hormones and this is the reason they were enormous but not why they were badly digitized.  Pa Kent takes out the crocs and yet no one does a sweep of the area for a nest thus leading to…yeah you know it.

Lake Placid 3 is tackled by Mockbuster director Griff Furst (Universal Soldiers, I Am Omega, 100 Million BC and Swamp Shark)

A year later from the second incident and a couple of teens munched for screwing on a mud bank later; Sadie Bickerman passed away…off camera (Cloris either didn’t want to do a sequel or asked for more money) and her nephew EPA Agent Nathan (Colin Ferguson of Rowing Through, The Opposite of Sex, Because I Said So and Eureka), busybody real estate wife Susan (Kristy Mitchell of The Royal Today, The Bill, Triassic Attack and Silent Witness) and delightful scamp son Connor (Jordan Grehs of Oliver Twist, Scoop and Just William).  Young Connor discovers baby crocodiles and more or less adopts them by feeding them meat.  Yes genius does run high in the Bickerman gene pool.  The current sheriff Tony Willinger (Michael Ironside of Scanners, Highlander 2: The Quickening, Total Recall and Bloodsuckers) assures Nathan that the sweep he did over a year and a half ago points to no more crocs in the area and everything is just tickety boo.    Nathan notices a drastic decrease in Elk and goes to investigate believing it to be a poacher Reba (Yancy Butler of Savage Weekend, Drop Zone, Witchblade, Wolvesbayne and Kick-Ass). Oh don’t worry about the crocs, they look almost believable now and there are also boobies for the guys yet again.  Thanks Unrated DVD!   Yeah so basically same plot with same jump scares and humans triumph over crocs…or did they?   

Lake Placid: The Final Chapter is brought to us by not the number 4 but director Don Michael Paul (Renegade, Pacific Blue, Half Past Dead and The Garden) Reba (Yancy Butler of Savage Weekend, Drop Zone, Witchblade, Wolvesbayne and Kick-Ass) ,former poacher of Lake Placid 3 somehow survived getting shot and chewed on by crocs; decides to be on the side of the angels as an EPA Agent and Black Lake has become a secluded crocodile sanctuary.  Think about 300 acres worth. The area is fenced off and the waters are gated until the friggin gate is left unlocked??!!  Man I don’t leave my house door unlocked.  Mind you I just have a couple of cats but you get my point.  Pesky teens get on the land in question and another fricking Bickerman strikes in these here waters.  Poacher Jim Bickerman (Robert Englund of Eaten Alive, A Nightmare on Elm Street, The Mangler and Hatchet) gives a great performance whilst there is running about, teenies screaming and getting naked prior and oh yes big fricking guns.  Oh yes, yet another sheriff Theresa Giove (Elisabeth Rohm of Angel, Law and Order, Miss Congeniality 2 and Abduction) hard hitting, tough as nails gal with her deputy Nermal.  Yes the world’s cutest kitty cat has a gun?  Well you can guess the plot overall and it was mildly entertaining but only the original made me laugh as much and frankly SyFy went apeshit over a film that unfortunately got a lukewarm response at the box office.  Much love in rental and purchase though.   That is my take on this series and hopefully you may find something beloved in it that I missed.  Always glad to hear some input.