Random Goofy: Randal's Monday

Welcome back to another helping of Random Goofy. Hey you come up with the titles then. Well we just managed our way through Camel Spiders and that deserves a computer game break. How about a graphic adventure game chock full of dark humor, pop culture references, nods to video games of past and present and maybe some point and click? Too bad, we're doing that anyway. You act as if you had a choice. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Ahem. Our game revolves around a snarky slacker who is quick with the quips, enjoys dark humor and obscure pop culture references that only a handful will get. This is Randal's Monday.

Oh boy..

Fresh from Nexus Game Studios as a first title, Randal is a sociopathic, kleptomaniac with delusions of godhood and a need to inflict pain on those around him... okay fine, he swipes things and is a jerk. PC enough? Sheesh. His best buddy Matt finally is asking his girl Sally to marry him with a ring that he got from a guy for a Dorito. The ring emits an aura of power, untold fortunes and darkness as well. Matt proceeds out to the dumpster to projectile vomit to the likes Linda Blair's Regan couldn't have managed. Matt drops his wallet with ring inside and Randal pockets it. A dull Monday of drinking and everyone goes their way.

The next day, (Monday) Randal finds in the newspaper that Matt is dead? The Hell? Rushes over to his broseph to see the what what is goin' on. Dealing with back rent due, best friend brutally murdered and fiancee Sally now distraught, Randal may have to actually care. A cursed ring may have a sentient mind and demented sense of humor throwing used kitty litter on your day.

Gonna go back in tIIiIime..bap bap baya!!!

With a vibe of the 90s slacker meets Groundhog's Day, the Mondays get weirder and weirder warping the space-time continuum about that not all changes are for the better. Frickin' Koalas everywhere. Nerds cosplaying and science fiction horribly mutilated. The Saga bad touched! In the point and click decision making style of the Lucasarts Full Throttle and Monkey Island sequels, you really have to use your brain to solve this diabolical puzzle.

Okay best parts are always for last so let's get started. 1) the game option of old school double click mouse for this PC game or new single click of current puzzle solving. 2)Old school 2-D with enough nods to Lucasarts you see more than a couple Polecats in prison. 3) Lastly, Randal is voiced by none other than...Jeff Anderson of Clerks, Jay and Silent Bob Strikes Back and Clerks II. Yup the man that brought us the quintessential slacker that put off work, screwed around and violated minds, souls and bodies is voicing our...um hero? Call him protagonist for cataloguing purposes.

You did something to my ass, didn't you bum?

With references dating as far back as The Day the Earth Stood Still, Pulp Fiction, Clerks, the Holy Saga (Star Wars Original Trilogy for those not in the know, yo.), Back to the Future and just in general geek minutia that it will warm many hearts, tickle funny bones and gross out the norms as always. Also keep ears on the up and up for Jason Mewes' voice. Trust me you will find him.

Standard 2-D art rendered graphics, great visuals and the concept of point and click meaning you have to navigate around rooms, outdoors, subways and even gasp, interact with people without being able to taser them in the balls. I know. That part was a let down. The hints option is just a box labeled kill kitty. That's right kids, every time you cheat a innocent kitty dies!!!

With its impeccable voice cast, simple but pleasant soundtrack and gaggle of bizarre characters you should have some fun trying to figure this curse out.

To paraphrase Jay, "Lord Vader needs Spanx."

Mallrats

How do madams and sirs and welcome back to more Kevin Smith. The self-proclaimed tubby bitch and so on. Fun fact for you. Kevin has written at least two Marvel story arcs. Spider-Man and The Black Cat and Daredevil:Guardian Angel. Both have a great deal of tongue-in-cheek humor, some dark effects and several real life evils that occur. Both are impressive works but be warned there is some adult scenarios there to contend with. Well this time around we have some geek fan boys embracing comics, movies and their mutual love lives that have gone belly up. This is Mallrats.

You can be my wingman always.

Prior to Clerks, this day occurred as T.S. Quint (Jeremy London of I'll Fly Away, Party of Five, Journey to the Center of the Earth TV movie, Gods and Generals, 7^th Heaven, Kiss Me Again, Basilisk: The Serpent King and The Grift) is taking his girl Brandi (Claire Forlani of Mallrats, The Rock, Meet Joe Black, Mystery Men, Boys and Girls, Antitrust, Triggermen, The Medallion and Bobby Jones: Stroke of Genius) out to Florida and away from Jersey so they can have time to themselves...but she cannot go because she volunteered to fill in for her father's dating game after the original contestant dropped dead in a pool from an embolism. Naturally they fight over this and end up breaking up.

No sooner is T.S. Quits with Brandi his best friend Brodie Bruce (Jason Lee of Almost Famous, Mumford, Vanilla Sky, The Incredibles, My Name Is Earl, Alvin and the Chipmunks, Cop Out and Shredd) with his many distractions of video games, comic books and fear of change leaving his girlfriend Rene (Shannen Doherty of Heathers, Beverly Hills, 90210, Charmed, Mallrats, Another Day, The Battle of Mary Kay, North Shore, Kiss Me Deadly and Burning Palms) at her wit's end. She sneaks in the middle of the night for a bone fest and that feels like that the better portion of their relationship. Neither of our protagonists know were they went wrong and find mutual healing from the only place of enlightenment...the mall. They find themselves at the mall only to learn this is the very spot in which Brandi's father, Jared (Michael Rooker of Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer, Above the Law, The Dark Half, Cliffhanger, Mallrats, The 6^th Day, Archer, Lollipop Chainsaw, The Walking Dead, and Guardians of the Galaxy) is hosting his Truth or Date show.

For the last time, I am not Superman!

T.S.wants revenge but knows he cannot do the deed himself and Brodie points out the potential lackeys of destruction Jay (Jason Mewes of Clerks, Mallrats, Chasing Amy, Dogma, Scream 3, Vulgar, Clerks: The Animated Series, Jay and Silent Bob Strikes Back and Clerks II) and Silent Bob (writer/director/actor Kevin Smith Clerks, Mallrats, Chasing Amy, Dogma, Scream 3, Vulgar, Clerks: The Animated Series, Jay and Silent Bob Strikes Back, Clerks II, Catch and Release, Manchild and Live Free or Die Hard) to search and destroy (Cue Metallica!). Misadventures continue as the dynamic doofuses run into T.S.' ex Gwen (Joey Lauren Adams of Dazed and confused, Sleep with Me, S.F.W., Mallrats, Chasing Amy, Big Daddy, Bruno, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back and Clerks: The Lost Scene) and they have some heart to heart.

Will T.S.get Brandi? Will Brodie win Rene's heart again? Will Jay and Silent Bob consummate their unspoken love?

Trivia time! Originally Stan Lee of Marvel Comics was not going to have a cameo but through a mutual connection Stan was asked to appear and he agreed. The episodic collection of comic book boxes was Kevin Smith's collection, much of which he purchased thanks to Clerks. Shawnee Smith of Becker and Saw fame came in for an audition but apparently she thought very little of the script and mocked the whole process. Later casting director Don Phillips apologized for her behavior.

The funniest trivia is while this takes place in Eden Prairie Center Mall in Eden Prairie Minnesota, down the road Fargo written and directed by the Coen brothers, Ethan and Joel was being shot at the same time. Yeah must have been hell to drive around those weeks.

Man the cast of 90210 went downhill.

Clerks

Good day to you all, my fine collection of film enthusiasts. This week I am focusing on a writer/director that primarily makes movies that either touch your soul or disgust you to no end with its foul language, crude vulgarities and sexual metaphors to the like that would put Andy Warhol into a tizzy. No, no I don't mean Eli Roth. The writer/director I am referring to has entertained more people, stirred controversy to the Westboro Baptist Church and even somehow managed to be a husband and father. Right? He fulfilled two of the primary Nietzscheian philosophies via Adromeda. Also a producer of Reel Paradise, Small Town Gay Bar and Reaper. I am speaking of Kevin Smith. And while you are still reeling from all that info, let's check out his labor of love. This is Clerks.

These are not the salad days, my friend.

Now while this is quite loosely based on Dante Alighieri's play The Divine Comedy or Dante's Inferno, our protagonists Dante (Brian O' Halloran of Mallrats, Chasing Amy, Groupies, Dogma, Vulgar, Clerks: The Animated Series, The Flying Car, Clerks: The Lost Scene, Clerks II,The Happening and Mr. Hush) and his wisecracking wiseass, quick with the quips sidekick Randal (Jeff Anderson of Clerks, Dogma, Love 101, Vulgar, Clerks: The Animated Series, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, The Flying Car, Clerks: The Lost Scene, Clerks II, Zach and Miri Make a Porno and Randal's Monday) who are twenty somethings in and out of college, barely tolerating the endless salvo of stupid questions, lack of common sense and in general, the annoyance of customers. Hence the nine breaks in the film representing the nine levels. Yeah it's meta, move on.

Ah, the wall of my youth behind Randal.

Dante is called in to work on his day off and feels an moral obligation to do such. Apparently the store would ebb out of existence otherwise. With no direction, drive and ambition our terrible twosome deal with life as clerks at a convenience store and video store (A primitive format of electronic transfer to magnetic tape in analog not digital. Also known as VHS the video home system...I have young readers as well.) interact with customers, talk about girls, sci-fi and hockey.

Dante's girlfriend Veronica (Marilyn Ghigliotti of Clerks, Get a Job, A Packing Suburbia, Dead and Gone, Alien Armageddon, Starship: Rising, Lake Eerie and #RIP) is sweet, capable, driven in her studies and cannot fathom why Dante doesn't seem to want to move forward in life but takes her chosen love with a grain of salt. Alas for Veronica, Dante takes her for granted while pining for his ex that screwed everything that asked if she was interested. A hat drop and boom. Distrupting his plans for the day for hockey, he finds out the boss left to go to Vermont and left his underling holding the bag or in this case a almost 12 hour shift. Dude you can document that for the Better Business Bureau. He and Randal say "Screw it." close up the store and play street hockey on the roof of the Quik Stop.

Pondering the imponderables and asking the deep questions of what next brings our boys to dealing with all of life's truth and consequences as they deal with death, life, love and loss on in the span of a day.

Director Kevin Smith shot said movie at Quik Stop and RST video where he worked at late hours and was printing out from his word processor the script he was constantly working on. Maxing out all his credit cards for film stock, boom mic and expenses, Smith had to sell a generous portion of his comic book collection to pick up for re-shoots. 21 days to pull off this and delivered. I hear he still got a few issues that are rare to find out there so help a manchild out, huh? FYI, the reason for black and white is not for artistic purposes but black and white is cheaper on 16mm.

Director's taking a Kent break.

THE BRITISH INVASION: Spaced

FEAR THE BRITISH INVASION!!!! Howdy all and welcome to Day 1 of my ridiculous title of the week. I wanted to start off by plugging one of my favorite shows that was created by the very talented trio in question.

Director/writer/producer/actor Edgar Wright (Mash and Peas, Asylum, Is It Bill Bailey?, Sir Bernard's Stately Homes, Shaun of the Dead, Funky Pete, Straight 8 and The World's End), writer/actor Simon Pegg (Six Pair of Pants, Asylum, Spaced, Big Train, Danger! 50,000 Zombies!, Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz, Paul and Star Trek Beyond) and writer/actor Jessica Hynes (Six Pairs of Pants, Asylum, Spaced, Lizzie and Sarah, Common Ground and Up the Women) had put together males and females in their early 20's in bizarre situations similar to Friends only... this is actually funny. This is Spaced.

Monster Movie or perhaps a bizarre furry?

For those Friends fans, tough titty. Not a fan and would have never associated with any of those characters for they are all EeeeEeeeeEeeevil!!!!!! Spaced is about the lives of individuals and their mates colliding through life. Enter Tim Bisley (Simon Pegg) an aspiring comic book artist/writer who works at a comic bookstore, plays PS games, DND and other such nerd genre who just broke up with his girlfriend and by that, I mean she threw him out and moved on. Ouch. While looking at the house supplements he meets Daisy Steiner (Jessica Hynes) an aspiring writer who simply cannot focus on one subject long enough to do some articles to pay the bills and temps awful jobs, hangs with her bff, struggles with a long distance relationship with her dull boyfriend and attempts to connect with all around her.

The freezer that time forgot!!!

The two meet at a greasy diner and just start having a laugh and are genuinely enjoying each others company when they find an advert for a flat (apartment, yankee brethren) to rent for a minuscule amount but... the catch is the flat is intended for a successful upcoming couple to share. The two get the idea to fake being a couple to get the place and all will be solved. The landlady Marsha (Julia Deakin of Coronation Street, Shaun of the Dead, Between Two Women, House of Anubis, Doctors, The World's End and Big, Bad World) is a bit batty, a lush and has the teenage daughter from Hell but is a good sort.

One other resident of the flat is a tormented, bizarre and frankly screwy artist known as Brian (Mark Heap of How Do You Want Me?, Doc Martin,Jam, Brass Eye, Big Train, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Green Wing and Alpha Male) sort of appears... by magic? Dark forces of the nether realm? Not sure. Daisy and Tim attempt to keep this secret from Marsha informing their collective friends Twist (Katy Carmichael of Liverpool 1, Dead Babies, Clocking Off, Coronation Street, Waterloo Road and Casualty) a high maitanence, party girl that loves fashion and is brutally honest and Mike (Nick Frost of Big Train, Spaced, Danger! 50,000 Zombies!, Black Books, Shaun of the Dead, Straight 8, Hot Fuzz, Hyperdrive and The World's End) a paranoid, gun nut that happens to be in Territorial Army (Britian's National Guard for again the Imperalist Yankee Dogs!!).

A few notes on the technical side of the show now. 

 Edgar Wright only used one camera for the whole series which is unusual as you get different reactions from different shots and while the flat was the center of most of the episodes it never felt like a cramped set.   1 to 78 frames per second this show got shot in both black and white and color and was done so on Digital Betacam, commonly used for TV broadcast so all the comforts of VHS with higher quality resolution.

 Guest star Peter Serafinowicz who appears as Tim's nemesis Duane Benzie uses this gravely guttural voice as a menacing man it is also the same voice he used for Darth Maul in Phantom Menace.

BBC Channel 4 had commissioned both season 1and 2 before season 1 even aired. Constant pop culture references come up in this series with Evil Dead Scooby-Doo, The Omen. Hell I think I saw a couple of Pulp Fiction ones as well. Pegg's character name is an homage to Graphic Fantasy artist Simon Bisley (Lobo, Heavy Metal, Heavy Metal: Geomatrix and Skyborg Into the Vortex) 

Give us Gary Glitter or be probed... a lot.

PA System

PA System brought to you by Jan of OG Brooklyn Girl and Jake of Rotten Reelz Reviews and Rotten Ramblin' On comes a new show of pop culture, remininscing and general topics

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Werewolf Week: Never Cry Werewolf

Evening boys and girls!!  Say what could I possibly been watching tonight that would scar the psyche of the average movie viewer?  I give you a few hints:  It feels almost shot for shot the original Fright Night, has animatronics and prosthetic effects less believable than Harry and the Hendersons and just might being something Kevin Sorbo wants to scrub off his IMDB listings??   Well gather up nice and snug, maybe have a flashlight and a forbidden lore book.  This is Never Cry Werewolf.

Spoilers may come with extra cheese toppings!!!

Cinematographer/ TV series director Brenton Spencer (21 Jump Street, Street Justice, Blown Away, First Wave, Dead Man’s Gun, Night Man and Stargate: Atlantis) combines his powers with writer John Sheppard (Armour of God, Mark of Cain, Higher Education, MacGyver, MacGyver: Lost Treasure of Atlantis and Robocop TV Series)and form Captaaaaaain PLANETTTTT!!!!  Well actually they create this slightly abysmal TV Movie for the SyFy Channel.   Brought to you from the terrifying burbs of Ontario Canada, comes a story of a new neighbor, inexplicable fog and dogs barking to the level that Johnny will go get his gun if they do not hush.  Kyle (Spencer Van Wyck of Knights of the South Bronx, Victor, The Lesser Blessed and Degrassi: The Next Generation) and big sister Loren (Nina Dobrev of Repo! The Genetic Opera, How She Move, Fugitive Pieces, The American Mall and The Vampire Diaries) notice an eerie fog blanketing the street.  Not so much the neighborhood with at least 5 or 6 fog bank machines but probably a portable back pack job.  Sorry broke the 4^th wall there.  The neighborhood dogs including the family pet are alert and scared.  What could ever be coming to town?  Oh also on this block apparently is a registered sex offender.  Boy doesn’t that sound like the area to raise your kids?  Alright perhaps abysmal is a bit harsh.  Less than satisfying TV movie but about what you would expect from the likes of SyFy.  

New to the area Jared (Peter Stebbings of K-19: The Widowmaker, Stargate SG-1, Jeremiah, Rabbit Fall, Cra$h & Burn and Murdoch Mysteries) is keeping to himself attempting to repair and rebuild his new home.  Everyone on the block as well as the town seems enamored by Jared except Loren who now spies on him.  Her gut instinct says something is off and witnesses Jared shape shift and murder a random girl in his home.  Or did she? 

With her Charlie Brewster senses tingling Loren asks her buddy Steve (Sean O’Neil of Common Ground, Prom Queen: The Marc Hall Story, Queer as Folk and Baby Blues) who is offbeat, bizarre and in no way, shape or form Evil Ed archetype for advice on dealing with Jared.   Enter Redd Tucker (Kevin Sorbo of Hercules: The Legendary Journeys, Kull the Conqueror, Andromeda, The O.C. and Avenging Angel)  a washed-up, has been TV hunting show host who of course is actually just a paltry actor at best attempting to salvage his career so yes he does get the Peter Vincent feel.  After Jared’s German Sheppard/Hellhound morphs and goes bat shit in the local hunting store, Loren drops this sick pup and he dissolves when nailed with silver.  

  Jared becomes obsessed with Loren and Loren begs and pleads for Redd’s assistance in killing Jared.   Redd comes clean on being just an actor and less manly than Marlin Perkins.   So the showdown commences as Loren rousts the silverware for arrowheads and makes her way to the lair of the beast.    Boy that explanation made this sound fairly good didn’t it.   Lot of handheld, some dolly and clearly the upper staircase shots someone had a death grip on the cameraman.  Granted we are free of most CGI minus bad temped pooch.  Old school rubber furry suit and animatronic head.  Certainly not the worst thing Sorbo has done and frankly he looked like he was enjoying the sheer silliness of it.   Hardcore werewolf fans may want to skip away from this title.

SyFy Monster Movie Week: Dinocroc vs Supergator

Hey folks I am back again with fun filled bad movie week of the dreaded channel of SyFy...  Yes the stink of this film is so pungent, you may be required a hanky while viewing.  So kick back, relax on your chair or sofa.  This is Dinocroc vs Supergator.

Spoilers are everywhere in the deep...
With producer/writer/director Roger Corman (The Wasp Woman, A Bucket of Blood, Little Shop of Horrors, Not of this Earth, The Trip, Death Race 2000 and Cockfighter) in league with his protege writer/director Jim Wynorski (Dinosaur Island, Return of the Swamp Thing, Demoltion High, Vampirella and Raptor) come the story of the ages... not it is actually CGI crocodile versus alligator.   As our tale unfolds, a biochemical and genetics laboratory are secretly breeding and manipulating the DNA of these creatures and to what end?   

Shockingly enough the film is shot in Wynorski's town of choice Santa Clarita and some of Kauai Hawaii.  Seems all top secret projects of this magnitude are shot on these two locations or I have seen too many Wynorski flicks.   Naturally due to all the safeguard protocols in said lab, the creatures both escape and start turning the island into the human buffet.  Owner Drake (David Carradine of Death Race 2000, Kung Fu, Kill Bill: Vol. 1, Kill Bill: Vol. 2 and Hell Ride) does not bother to alert the proper authorities and insists on a covert hunting team to track, tranq and retrieve his wayward creatures as money is no object in these matters.

FBI agent Paul Beaumont (Corey Landis of Lost in the Woods, Changing Hands, Camel Spiders and Dracula: Reborn) our death defying investigator who looks like he is late for a frat hazing is trying to figure out what Drake has created in his labs but cannot get enough concrete evidence to justify his work to the brass to snare Drake.  Decides today is a good day for fishing and heads that route.  Fish and game agent Cassidy Swanson (Amy Rasimas Holt of Girls Gone Psycho, Desire, No Game and Exposed Negative) and Dad are called into check out the whereabouts of missing hikers on the island unaware of the untold dangers of the island, our ditzy heroine makes her way to the danger.  With a helicopter assist, a mercenary team move at least an hour ahead of the Fish and Game to lock and load and dump down on dem fools.  Yeah I did not just make up that clever bit of dialogue.  

With any Wynorski creature film you can expect large breasted girlies screaming to the level that would rival Jamie Lee Curtis and Leanna Quigley, Assault weapons and sidearms of infinite ammo and really less that savory CGI FX.  Bottom line, this is a drinking game movie.

Manticore...Hey isn't that Chakotay?

Back again kiddies and boy do I have moving pictures magic for you.    It’s got excitement, drama and really wild things.  Actually it has Chakotay leading an Army unit against a CGI monster but hey that could be wild….so grab a movie machine gun, load it with infinite ammo and brush up on your Greek mythology.  This is Manticore.

THERE WILL BE SPOILERS PEOPLE

UFO Pictures strikes again with another monster film at the ready thanks to Writer (John Werner of Pumpkinhead: Ashes to Ashes, Witchville and Rudy Blue) confabbed with Director (Tripp Reed of Walking Tall: The Payback and Walking Tall: Lone Justice) and if you cannot trust the writing for the third installment of Pumpkinhead, well what in life can you trust?

Two thieves decide to break into an antiquities chamber during the remnants of the Iraq War in order to plunder some treasure and make out like bandits… you know the wealthy part.  Pretty sure these two weren’t going to drop on the sandy floor and make out but hey I am not judging if they did. The only thing they manage to get their mitts on is a medallion with a lion’s head carved in it.  Looked like a left over from Hercules: The Legendary Journeys.   Robert Beltran (of Star Trek: Voyager) portrays Sgt. Baxter, a hard nose Army vet tasked with capturing looters from the National Museum, insurgents move in and Baxter has to let the looters go including the two thieves.  A substantial gunfight ensues including some tight zoom handheld shots that really improved the overall effect.  Gave you that feeling you were in the thick of it.   Not an easily accomplished task with Sy-fy’s budget.  Mind you from the architecture you get the notion we are nowhere NEAR Iraq at all.   Again for the sake of the crew and cast that is probably best.  The buildings have a European feel on the design so a quick check on IMDB pointing out they went to Bulgaria.   I did start chuckling when recognizing two the sarge’s squad.  Heather Donahue (The Blair Witch Project, Boys and Girls and Taken) as well as A.J. Buckley (Disturbing Behavior, Happy Feet and CSI: NY).    The mission is SNAFU and they head back to HQ for Baxter to be read the riot act by his CO played by (in my humble opinion) legendary character actor Jeff Fahey (Silverado, Body Parts, The Lawnmower Man, Planet Terror and Machete) reams Baxter’s butt for failing to meet the primary objective of the mission, regardless of what happened and yadda, yadda yadda..  Hey wasn’t there a creature of untold destruction in this flick?   Let’s go find that.

  

Bumbling duo from the beginning set out in the desert to find their fortune.  Armed with a super secret, chocolate fudgy medallion of impending doom, our two thieves find themselves in quite the pickle as they unwillingly unleash the Manticore!!!  Meanwhile Lois Lane archetype Ashley Pierce (Chase Masterson of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Terminal Invasion and General Hospital) and trusted red shirt cameraman head in the residing villages trying to dig up proof of the whereabouts of WMDs only to find more than they bargained for.  Bum bum bum!!  Baxter’s squad is assigned to find the reporter and red shirt only to find the town has been decimated and a large flying creature with laser beams shooting from its eyes could be the culprit.  Yes fricking Darksied Omega beams style. 

Now admittedly I had a hard time buying our heroes as trained soldiers.  No rifle discipline at all, the cover fire was laughable and I felt like I was sitting through another Lorenzo Lamas film.  

 Well what can we say about this experience?  The acting was pretty good, the cinematography was impressive and hell the CGI monster had some decent chops.  It was a bit graphic for those of less constitution but c’mon it is a monster film about one of the nastiest creatures of Arabic and Greek mythology.

 A flying lion with the tail of a dragon or occasionally a scorpions tail, horns, claws and more teeth than the entire Osmond family.  From a historical stand point this creature is been in Persian culture throughout the better portion of the Caspian Sea region.   Aside from the quick lesson there I had fun watching this regardless if I found it silly in places.

Zombies...again??!!!

Well gentle readers I have returned and decided I am reminiscent of my review roots and therefore you guessed it!!!   A zombie movie!!! Well you didn’t think I reviewed every single last zombie film in two years did you?   So grab a chair, prop it in front of the door and be still until they walk by.   This is Zone of the Dead.

Spoilers are the end of days, my friend.  Make no mistake about it.

Director Milan Konjevic tackles his first film debut as the head man.  From Second Unit director to a creator of comic series called Generation Tesla, Dusk Fighters and Romero, Knovjevic takes the plunge into directing his own written works.  Shot in Serbia this zombie flick moves at a fast pace, drags its feet a bit and then fast pace reasserts itself again.  The story line is a simple one and should be commended for that.  Military training exercises are going on in the immediate area so satellite frequencies are re-routed.  Cell phones would be unoperatable so lane lines are about all that can be used.  Even CB or walkie talkie if you prefer is clouded.    A prisoner (Emilio Roso of Baby’s Momma Drama, Freedom’s Gate, Border Lost, Mad Men and Corrado) is being transferred from Belgrade to London via Interpol and Serbia police force.  Agent Mina Milius (Kristina Klebe of The Other Shoe, She Hate Me, Delirious, Halloween and The Accidental Husband) is placed in charge of security, transportation and route to make it smooth sailing.  Retiring Agent Mortimer Reyes (TV and Movie character actor legend Ken Foree of Dawn of the Dead, Terror Among Us Knightriders, T.J. Hooker, Remington Steele, The A-Team and Babylon 5) is on his way back to the states leaving Interpol.  Just twelve more hours `til retirement, Riggs.   He and his partner Dragon Belic (Miodrag Krstovic  of Savior, The Professional , The Reject and The Fourth Man) are there purely for supervisory standing so what could possibly go wrong?  

Two towns over an ecological disaster occurs at the train yard, with north winds whipping a gaseous liquid of unknown origin it kills everything in the immediate area and re-animates it in minutes.  With this entire story occurs within the 18 minute mark so it is made room for lofty exterior shots, zooms and long crane shots.  Mostly this film is hand held and Dolly track shooting. The cinematography is impressive but the dialogue what you came to expect.  Buddy cop routine, sprinkled with classified information and a dash of paranoia.   There also seems to be a Romero influence as several of the death scenes are throwbacks to Dawn of the Dead and Day of the Dead. The gore is mildly pronounced in those scenes that require more of a terror factor has such.

Oh yes I always have a bit of nitpicking.  Now keep in mind that several of the dialogue is dubbed over so the voice over work sounds a bit rushed, confused or otherwise lacking in the proper inflection the scene shows us. Several of the sound effects such as: automated doors sound like something of the PC game X-Com, the zombie cries are very similar to those heard in the Doom games and several of the gun shot sound effects run parallel to a first person shooter game in 1995 Rise of the Triad.

Certainly not the worst of the genre I have seen but it is also nothing new here.  I was hoping for a regional spin on the zombies but it feels more like Return of the Living Dead with less humor and less nudity.  Not all that impressed but hey not too shabby first time running.

The Boys are back in town!

Say, what do you call a show with two pretty boys with hand-to-hand, firearms melee weapons training? Welp about this time them Winchester boys got themselves in a peck of trouble banged up the Impala and shook Pappy about.  So pop this DVD in, grab a soda and some chips.  This is Supernatural Season 2.

Spoilers can be found at a crossroads…

Hospitalized after a major car accident Dean Winchester (Jensen Ackles of Days of Our Lives, Dark Angel, Dawson’s Creek and My Bloody Valentine) wakes from a coma under mystical means as his father gave his soul to save his boy to the same demon that took his wife.   Brother Sam (Jared Padalecki of Flight of the Phoenix, Gilmore Girls, House of Wax, Cry Wolf and Friday the 13^th) informs Dean what happened to Dad.The irony was steeping against the Winchesters to an epic level.  This season we have more than a few familiar guest stars appear this season, such as: Emmanuelle Vaugier (Saw II and Painkiller Jane) Dan Gauthier (Tour of Duty, Teen Witch and Son in Law) Tricia Helfer (Battlestar Galactica, Burn Notice, Warehouse 13, Dark Blue and The Firm) Gary Cole (Midnight Caller, Office Space, Crusade, Family Affair, Kim Possible, Wanted and The West Wing) to name a few.  Our young hunters are trying to carry on the mission their father assigned with to safeguard them and preserve them, sacrificing their normal childhood but giving them skill and will to spare future children the losses they have felt.  Wither from bad jokes, cheeseburgers or half assed bonding moments the brothers are there for each other as best as they can be.  The yellow eyed demon that slew the boys’ mother has been concocting a plan that has span over 2 decades and our heroes must thwart his plans.

 We are also introduced to Ellen (Samantha Harris of The Evidence, The 4400, Gray Matters and V) a former hunter now bar owner of her own roadhouse for hunters.   This season also has one of the better villains The Trickster from episode 15.   This is so worth the watch, folks and no not to be confused with the Flash’s villain played by Mark Hamill.

A few things of note pointing out the FX linked to this series.  TV and movie makeup crew Andrea Manchur (Sanctuary, X-Men: The Last Stand, Kyle XY), Toby Lindala (X2,The Butterfly Effect, Final Destination 3 and Lost Boys: The Tribe) and Julie Beaton-Pachauer (X-Men: The Last Stand, Scary Movie 4, TRON: Legacy and The Cabin in the Woods) which in junction with some of the CGI, handheld cam, zooms and fair amount of dolly track the creatures have scope, definition and frankly are creepy as hell.

Seasoned Visual Effect supervisor Ivan Hayden (Stargate SG-1, Andromeda, Special Unit 2, Damaged Care and Scooby Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed) along with Grant Lindsay (Warriors of Virtue, Voyage of Terror, Air Bud 3, Superbabies: Baby Geniuses and Andromeda) have brought us spooks, specters and demonic effects that could very well rival most movie productions.   As each season seems to progress, the writers up the ante and the monsters seem to be a bit wilier to thwart the Winchester boys.  So grab a copy from CD Universe, Netflix or heck hit your local video store if you have one in your neighborhood.

Leatherface and Family

I’m back again kiddies for another franchise that could have been easily skipped.  Say, did you know the early 70’s really ushered the serial killer movement?  Thrillers like the 1973 Black Christmas, the quadrilogy of The Blind Dead series from Italy but none had quite the impact as the 1974 Tobe Hooper classic The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.   So gather your friends, have some car trouble and by God investigate like the Scoobies.   This is the Texas Chainsaw Massacre Collection.

Spoilers are people!!!

Now before we dive into this unbridled insanity, let me be clear that this write-up will not be including the remakes.  The original Chainsaw film was loosely based on the exploits of real life serial killer Ed Gein formerly of Wisconsin.  So we change locations and build a bizarre family of cannibalistic, graverobbing nutter butters tormenting teens and making spare ribs.  Doesn’t that sound keen?  Director Tobe Hooper (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Eaten Alive, Salem’s Lot, Poltergeist, Lifeforce. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, Body Bags and Night Terrors) claims in articles and interviews the thought behind his horror Mecca was being swarmed by mass loads of shoppers in a department store during the holidays and the first thing he spied was a chainsaw and how ideal that tool would have been to cut a bloody swath to the exit.  I think we all have had days like that. 

 Five teenagers go on a road trip because their friend and her brother want to pay respect to their grandfather’s grave.   This time it was desecrated with a human skeleton perched on top of the headstone posed like some sick joke. The teens are systematically rubbed out of existence by our villain Leatherface and his demented family.  Only one survivor makes her way from the loony tunes and we assume went into hiding.  Enter a decade of abject silence other than did you see that warped film on the drive-in or Beta-Max.  

1986 we have a less primal and bleak sequel The Texas Chainsaw Massacre Part 2.  This film is still incredibly graphic and gory but infused with dark comedy and we now know Leatherface’s family surname is Sawyer and you better whitewash their fences right.   A radio host ‘Stretch’ (Caroline Williams of Stepfather II, Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre III, Love and Lies, Leprechaun 3 and Halloween II remake) gets a prank call over the airwaves. As the little pond scum makes vulgar remarks they begin to scream in pain and agony (probably had to see Oingo Boingo in concert) as a chainsaw revs in the background.  Lieutenant ‘Lefty’ Enright, a former Texas Marshall (Dennis Hopper of Hang ‘Em High, Easy Rider, True Grit, The Last Movie, Apocalypse Now, Speed and Land of the Dead) is uncle to Sally Hardesty of the first film and knows all about the Sawyer family and he is determined to catch the lot of psychos.   Now because this film does not follow the same formula as the Friday the 13ths and Nightmares sequels, most of the horror fans overlooked this cult film.  Admittedly the acting is a bit over the top in some characters* coughs Bill Mosely’s Chop Top* but overall it is a dark and demented flick of absurd proportions.  Leatherface is apparently dispatched by Lefty and Stretch deals with Chop Top.  The End…or is it???   

Due to the infamous standing Chainsaw 2 had New Line Cinema wanted to beat this dead horse yet again.  1990, Hooper presents a treatment and New Line was not interested so we bring in Director Jeff Burr (Stepfather II, Puppet Master 4, Pumpkinhead II: Blood Wings, Puppet Master 5: The Final Chapter and Night of the Scarecrow) This film was almost a prequel to TCM 2 and left folks a might confused in that regard but heck any flick with Ken Foree (Dawn of the Dead, Knightriders, From Beyond, Terror Squad, Dawn of the Dead remake and Halloween remake) in it can’t be all that bad, right?  Right?  So the Sawyer family has bred some more and honestly the gene pool is not improving, with the exception of Viggo Mortensen.   Yeah that is not a joke.  First real paycheck as he put it.  The MPAA had a field day with this movie and tried to get it an X-rating due to the level of gore, of which there was quite a bit but settled on NC-17.  So inbred hillbilly cannibals match wits with plucky goodie two shoes, horror ensues and Leatherface is allegedly killed…or was he? Dun dun dun!  

Well if you thought that could destroy a wild and warped legacy of terror then I guess you better get under the magic covers because Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation will leave you scratching your head, force you to Kirk shoulder roll from the plot holes and make you ask” Hey isn’t that Matthew McConaughey and Renee Zellweger?”  1995 co-writer of the original The Texas Chainsaw Massacre Kim Henkel decided to take a whack at the series with her interpretation that would explain why the Sawyer family does what they do oh so well.  Four teenie boppers zip away from the high school prom and end up taking the wrong short cut, maim a poor driver and have to find a tow truck.  Fortunately the forest they are in is so backlit they could skip wandering armed only with a flash light.  That’s right folks it’s all the Illuminati’s fault.  The Sawyers dispatch and eat people because…there was a giant plot hole the size of Kansas and no one could plug it.  Two other comments about this little stinkburger is the actress Lisa Newmeyer (The House on Todville Road, Rolling Kansas, Sin City and A Scanner Darkly).   Her death scene felt like an eternity.  They drag this one scene out making Zellweger’s character watch the torturous scene and frankly I was going bonkers hearing this girl shriek on and on.  Oh, and for some completely unexplained reason, Leatherface because a transvestite in a mask made of human flesh.    Yeah guess Henkel saw Silence of the Lambs and went, “That’s the direction for Leatherface.”

What can we all take away from this?  Well good intentions and a few story ideas does not a film make would be one.   I do not feel in this modern age we can recapture that same terror the original mastered.  Eerie sounds and sets, rotten meat, human and animal bone strewn about offers a sick vision.   But don’t get down folks.  There’s another fricking Chainsaw being made.  Huzzah.

Mimic...isn't always flattering

classic; both sneered and cheered at.   So grab a can of Raid, maybe a fly swatter and a can of Coke to lure them out.    This is Mimic.

Spoilers can be people!!!

Based on the short story of the same name by American sci-fi author Donald A. Woldheim, Writer Matthew Robbins (The Sugarland Express, Close Encounters of the Third Kind, Dragonslayer, *batteries not included and Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark) and our boy Guillermo del Toro (Cronos, The Devil’s Backbone, Blade II, Hellboy, Pan’s Labyrinth and Hellboy II: The Golden Army) combine their forces to bring this sci-fi thriller to live deep in the passages of New York City.  Entomologist Doctor Susan Tyler (Mira Sorvino of Mighty Aphrodite, Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion, The Replacement Killers, and Too Tired to Die) and her husband Doctor Peter Mann (Jeremy Northam of The Net, Emma, Amistad, Gosford Park and The Invasion) are geneticists dealing with a plague dubbed Strickler’s disease that is spread by cockroaches that claiming hundreds of the city’s children left and right.   Desperate to quell this onslaught of infection, the two created a new breed of insect called the Judas breed that would feed on the roaches. The concept of stunting the ability to breed the Judas breed would die out in 3 years time.  Well that is the plan of course but we all know how Man plays and God laughs according Nietzsche.    

Unfortunately the good intentions aside, years later the Judas breed has managed to reproduce and to amass to over six feet tall and they got hungry for more tender meat that the roaches cannot offer but in a city of 8 million people I think they may have one hell of a buffet.

Transit Cop Leonard (Charles S. Dutton of Crocodile Dundee II, Alien 3, Rudy, A Low Down Dirty Shame, Nick of Time and Gothika) hears a noise and spots one of these giant bugs, drops a few rounds at it and calls for back up.  Tyler, Mann and their extended staff all make their way into the subway line to offer assistance.  As Leonard knows these tunnels like the back of his hand, the lot proceeds deep in.

I still love how we go from the hustle and bustle of New York City streets to these vast underground steam tunnels of Ontario er…um...I mean New York of course.  To the sum of $28 million, this is Guillermo del Toro’s first American movie and to be fair why the story itself was not overtly fascinating to me of Man twisting God’s work but again the initial storytelling and atmosphere of grim standing one moment but with a little dark humor when deemed necessary.   I still was impressed how del Toro made you guess who was next on the menu.   It is almost as he threw out that unwritten rule of animals, old folk and kids were most likely to survive to the very last minute.   Not a favorite but well done by performance and story.

Damn that is a nice car.

Hey all.  Just touching base on a cult following that could only be rivaled by Buffy the Vampire Slayer and its spin-off show Angel.  I refer to those pesky kids, the Winchester boys.  Driving in their father’s ’67 Impala these two very different lads dispense justice for the victims of the monsters that go bump in the night.   So sharpen your stakes, pour your silver bullet molds and above all don’t be a douche nozzle.   This is Supernatural Season 1.

Spoilers are all around us man!

Our pilot opens with a happy prosperous young man Sam Winchester (Jared Padalecki of Gilmore Girls, House of Wax and Friday the 13^th) pre-law student, straight A’s and hotty for a girlfriend Jessica (Adrianne Palicki of Lone Star, Legion, Wonder Woman and Red Dawn) and over all life is feeling good.  The two lovebirds have a little celebration nookie and fall asleep (No fellas, this is CW so no skin on that level) when Sam hears a noise in the apartment, goes to investigate and handle the burglar.  After a fairly intense fight choreography we can see Sambo has had some training only to get tossed on his butt by…his little big brother Dean (Jensen Ackles of Dawson’s Creek, Still Life, Smallville, My Bloody Valentine and Batman: Under the Red Hood).   After nursing a few egos and bruises, Dean tells Sam their dad has gone hunting and hasn’t been back in awhile.   Feels all coded in front of girlfriend Jessica.  Reluctantly Sam joins Dean in pursuit of their wayward father because you see folks the family business is hunting…monsters of all shapes and sizes.

Ahh spoiler you say?  You had 8 years!  Catch up!

Now given that John and Jane Public thinks monsters are nothing more than the work of fiction, cinema and tween writers, our would be heroes have to go incognito.  So on top of less than legal firearms, credit card fraud and posing as Federal officers, our lads do battle with the nastiest freakiest creatures this side of Sunnydale.

The storyline unfolds on what could have made these two seemingly normal guys into hunters of the preternatural and extra-dimensional.    22 years prior the boys’ mother died in a mysterious fire and their father, a Marine recon Vietnam vet could not save her in time.   Finds out there are creatures of myth and legend and they are very real.  To keep his boys safe he will instruct them how to survive, fight and win.  From hand to hand combat, firearms and blades these two could probably be dropped on the F.B.I.’s most wanted list if they wanted to go on a killing spree but they remain knight errants and do what they must to spare families the hell that is their lives.

Admittedly I went into this show kicking and screaming foul to preceding shows. Kolchak: the night stalker Poltergeist : The Legacy, Friday the 13^th The Series and X-Files all dealing with the ghosts and ghoulies so I felt yeah YET another less than original idea.  This bleak, dark background story unfolding simultaneously with the current events quickly changed my mind and established this is a dialogue driven story arc as much as it is character based.   A dysfunctional family that shows their breaking points, their flaws and strengths gives scope to the show and guest stars galore.  Only complaint from the man here, not enough reoccurring eye candy for hetro boys.