The November Man

Greetings and salutations, Readers of Rotten. Yeah that still sounds iffy at best. Seriously, someone workshop a better fan base name. I am coming at you with NOT a horror movie. Shocked? I can only imagine. Instead I recently had the good fortune to sink my teeth (metaphorically) into a decent spy/thriller/action film starring that Pierce Brosnan fellow. Yeah you may have heard of him from time to time. A retired spy, a long standing conspiracy, war crimes and student versus the master. This is The November Man. 

 

These prices are outrageous!

 

 

 

 

 

Based on the novel, "There Are No Spies" by the late Bill Granger; our titled movie is actually the 7^th novel of 12 and yes this writer is telling anyone that loves a good spy game to go and pick those books up.

Our story follows veteran CIA handler/operative Peter Devereaux (Pierce Brosan of Remington Steele, Noble House, The Lawnmower Man, Live Wire, GoldenEye, Robinson Crusoe, Tomorrow Never Dies, The Thomas Crown Affair, The World Is Not Enough, The Tailor of Panama, After the Sunset, The Ghost Writer and I Don't Know How She Does It) grooming his protege, David Mason, sharpshooter, hand-to-hand and follows orders (Luke Bracey of Home and Away, Dance Academy, Monte Carlo, Amensia, G.I. Joe: Retaliation, Westside, Point Break, Hacksaw Ridge and Lucky Day) until he jumps the literal gun and a civilian is caught in the line of fire. Devereaux retires five years later and is free of the CIA's black bag ops, running a small cafe off of Montenegro and living life. 

 

Die, squirrel die!

 

 

 

 

 

A visit from an old colleague, John Hanley (Bill Smitrovich of Miami Vice, Band of the Hand, Manhunter, Crime Story, Life Goes On, The Phantom, Ghosts of Mississippi. Batman Beyond, Nash Bridges, A Nero Wolfe Mystery, The Practice and The Event) drops Devereaux intel that former General soon-to-be President of Russia, Arkady Federov (Lazar Ristovski of Svetozar Markovic, Terasa, The Way Steel Was Tempered, Underground, Rage, Balkan Rules, Midwinter Night's Dream, The White Lions and On The Other Side) has serious dirt that the CIA wants and they are using an operative that Devereaux recruited. Hanley says that she will only come in if Devereaux is there for the extraction.

The op goes down, car chases ensue and bullets start flying. Yeesh sounds like a hybrid of Jason Bourne and James Bond happening in Belgrade!! The asset dies, Devereaux is pissed and Mason left with the smoking gun. This huge amount of casualties and property destruction all for one name. Mira. A girl that has been missing since 1999 at age fifteen. While FSB and the CIA are all scrambling around with girls on their brains and heads up their asses, the President elect sends a wet work assassin to find anyone with the whereabouts of Mira and remove her.

Devereaux uses his skill set and finds a case worker that deals with refugees, Alice Fournier (Olga Kurylenko of The Serpent, Hitman, Max Payne, Quantum of Solace, Tyranny, Erased, To the Wonder, Seven Psychopaths, Magic City, Vampire Academy and A Perfect Day) whose every day life of shuffling papers, placing displaced girls and giving them a better life just went rocky. With more chases, fist fights and a bit of John Woo inspired Gun Fu, Devereaux and Alice get out alive but for how long?

 

 

Popeye's packin' a rod!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Calling this a political SNAFU is similar to calling the meltdown of Chernobyl a minor inconvenience. Players on all sides are looking for this girl Alice now and the objectives are not clear if she is to be interrogated, tortured, murdered or in general; have an unpleasant weekend.

The clock is ticking and Devereaux is not the young man he was but by God he is going to make retirement rather interesting.

Will the Russians get the girl? Will the CIA give her asylum? With either put a bullet through her?

 

 

Let me go on the record of saying that Devereaux is a fairly dark character. If you were expecting shaken martinis, glib lines and gentleman's rule of fisticuffs. WRONG MOVIE. Yes, we do have a former Bond but Brosnan is so far removed from that bit of double o, you start to fear for the girl's safety in even his hands.

Director Roger Donaldson (No Way Out, Cocktail, Dante's Peak, Species, The Recruit, Thirteen Days, and The Bank Job) wanted an older Bond for this role, give him a near sinister way of doing things. Daniel Craig was originally cast but prior commitments made him bow out. Donaldson opted for Sir Sean Connery, who flat out said, "I'm too old to be running around with a gun." and then remembered the rapport he already had with Pierce courtesy of Dante's Peak.

This is moody, rough and tumble. Gun play and yes fellas, there's some titty scenes. No ladies, I don't even wait for them to message me any more. Anytime I get hyped up about a compelling story or clever character arc; the almost automatic response is, "Uh yeah. So there's titty, right?" Apologies for my gender's behavior once again, ladies.

The overall vibe of this flick? Gritty, badass fights, good story and a really bang on cast for this spy thriller. Hell, I can easily watch this again.

 

Like my Ghost in the Shell cosplay?

 

Rob Zombie's Halloween

Howdy again, Realm of Rotten Readers. I'm begging you guys to come up with something more catchy. It is just not happening for me. Okay, today on the docket has been a fan request for some time. 

 Initially I wasn't interested because I am touchy about remakes but I have been a fan of the man's writing/music and directing so let's see if the unrated version is a bit more intriguing. For some of you that asked me to NOT review this, tough. If you this does not capture your attention, I am more than certain there are other blogs out there. This is Rob Zombie's Halloween.

 

You're my only Kirk, Mr. Shatner.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yes, yes I know Carpenter fans. I am fully aware many of you booed and hissed your way through this flick. I get it. It was not your cup of tea. Let us set aside these issues before I have Malcolm McDowell Cameo the hell out of your social media! I mean, if I can afford that.

We hearken back to the days of young Michael Myers (Daeg Faerch of Dark Mirror, Halloween, Hancock, Run! Bitch Run!, Sebastian, Ditch Party and Killer Therapy) may have a few personality quirks...in the same way Attila the Hun may have had an thriving outdoors-man lifestyle.

The thing is...Zombie's idea was to step away from Carpenter's "Pure Evil" storyline because he wanted his own spin of the flick. Obviously he is a fan of the original but he didn't want to rely heavily on the existing formula. So he gave Michael a bad childhood. A bully big sister, a mother that moonlights as a stripper, a baby sister, an abusive stepfather (No not Terry o' Quinn) and he's constantly berated at school by bullies. Slowly this starts to warp the lad and the next thing you know, he's onto computer games, comic books and RPGs. Oh no, wait. He starts murdering the neighborhood pets. Some sort of catharsis strangling a cat or three. 

 

Another Craigslist Causal Encounters comes to a close.

 

 

 

 

 

 

His mother Deborah (Sherri Moon Zombie of House of 1000 Corpses, Toolbox Murders, The Devil's Rejects, Halloween, Californication, The Haunted World of El Superbeasto and The Lords of Salem) has been made aware of the strange goings on of her little boy, but it doesn't seem to register that she is raising a sociopath.  THE KID HAD A DEAD CAT IN HIS BOOK BAG!!!  How many warning sirens and klaxons you need to go off, lady?  Sheesh!  But Dopey Deborah just puts the whole scenario down as boys being boys.   WTF??!!! 

 

Just payin' for college. Honest.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Abusive stepdad Ronnie (William Forsythe of Raising Arizona, Out For Justice, Dick Tracy, Things to Do in Denver When You're Dead, Virtuosity, The Rock, Boardwalk Empire, The Mob Doctor, and The Witching Hour) is a drunk, unemployed and generally worthless. CHARACTER!

Mikey decides he's grows weary of bully beatings and catches up with one of the boys beating him repeatedly with a thick tree branch. I mean we hear the meaty thunks and the bully boy crying his eyes out. Should have popped him in the mouth, son. Would have been more mumbles than screams. It does sound pathetic as you begin to realize his parents are probably wondering why he's not back from school yet.

Oh quick note, isn't it funny that Charles Lee Ray(Brad Dourif of Child's Play) and Alex DeLarge (Malcolm McDowell of A Clockwork Orange) are pairing up to stop a serial killer?  Yeah it's food for thought, right?

Like a CGI crocodile, Michael's on a rampage as he gives Ronnie and Judith the business end of the murder tools. Also I really couldn't muster any sympathy for Ronnie and Judith, both were kind of awful. Maybe turning them into frickin' kabobs was a bit much, but I couldn't say.

40 minutes of the film is spent showing us Michael going down the rabbit hole to full blown loony tunes. The scenes with Young Michael (Daeg) and Dr. Loomis (Malcolm McDowell of A Clockwork Orange, Time After Time, Caligula, Cat People, Class of 1999, Tank Girl, Star Trek: Generations, Wing Commander, Wing Commander Academy, God of War III and Suing the Devil) establishing the rapport the boy has for his doctor as this is ultimately the only real father figure he has ever had. Loomis tries to avoid becoming attached and remain clinical but he cannot help but allow his heart to go out to one so young and lost. Granted, telling this kid that his wife has up and left as well as, most of his friends because he cannot seem to get past Michael's issues seems a tad unprofessional.

Okay the biggest complaint about this film has been that everyone working in the wacko basket is either rude, heartless or has a rape-like tendency. Seems like there were no personality screening at this nut house.

17 years institutionalized at the institute and Michael makes his move. Funny how he's as big as Tyler Mane from X-Men. Previous Michaels had suffered enough from stunt injuries. 2007? Couldn't have gotten Kane Hodder? Sure he wouldn't be playing Voorhees but I bet he could have made a fun spin on Myers. 

 

O.M.G. We're adorbs!

 

 

 

 

 

Whatever happened to Baby Boo? Well she's now Laurie Strode (Scout-Taylor Compton of Charmed, Wicked Little Things, Halloween, April Fool's Day, The Runaways, Nashville, Feral, The Lurker and Eternal Code) and thankfully she has 80s Mom badass herself, Dee Wallace! By God if there's a critter, rabid St. Bernard or pack of werewolves, Dee's got this in the bag! 

Accompanying Laurie is Annie Brackett (Halloween alumni Danielle Harris of Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers, Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers, The Last Boy Scout, Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead, Roseanne, Left for Dead, Hatchet II, Stake Land, Chromeskull: Laid to Rest 2, Hatchet III and Camp Dread) and Lynda (Kristina Klebe of Zone of the Dead, Criminal Minds, 6 Month Rule, Alter Egos, The Kiss of a Killer, Proxy, Friday the 13^th: The Game and Slay Belles)

For those not following; I will give you the heads up. Yes, there is nudity. Yes there is elaborate gore and yes there is some dialogue that will make you cringe. IT'S A SLASHER FLICK! This did not RUIN the Halloween franchise. Those precious gobbets of Horror are still out there. The original film didn't suddenly burst into flames or was written out of the spacetime contiuum.

Seriously, with the "Thorn" trilogy of Jamie, to the H20 reboot claiming 1 and 2 were the only cannon, and then the 8^th stink nugget Resurrection? Yes, clearly it was Rob Zombie's foul deeds that would ever made this garbled storyline awful. Busta Rhymes killing Michael. The hell, man?

Is this for every Halloween fan? Maybe not. While there are more orchestrated death scenes, it really feels like Zombie was doing the gore grab bag to see what looked nastier on film. Did it make money? Yes! With a budget of 15 million estimated the US Gross alone was over $58 million. Hell, opening weekend was $26 million right there.

Chronology is the biggest gripe for a lot of the critics. Most of the vehicles, music and clothing look like the late 70s, so this could simply be a nod to the original, however as the 17 years have passed, clothing styles, cars and cell phones are making their way so now it looks like the 2000s. I don't know. Hell my only real beef is an insane asylum would have metal forks around a bunch of nutter butters. You know, that whole fear that one of the inmates could use it to attack hospital staff or fellow inmates. That being said, I now want to see a graphic death scene with a spork. Am I alone on this? Huh? HUH?! 

 

With talented character actors like Bill Mosely, Ken Foree, Danny Trejo, Richard Lynch, Clint Howard, Udo Kier, Sybil Danning and Leslie Easterbrook, it is damn hard to say who I am most happy to see in a flick. Now yes, I do admit to enjoying "The Boogeyman" legend of Michael Myers and Donald Pleasence as the voice of the conscience but AGAIN, Rob wanted to do his own story. It is my firm belief if he did the exact carbon copy of Halloween; there would be even more internet troll bitch fights. Win or lose, Zombie has product, an opening, a middle and an ending. That folks, is called a movie. Whether you were expecting me to crucify it or not, I am just looking at it from my point of view and nothing more.

 

Hang on. I have my script notes here.

 

Batman: Soul of the Dragon

 What's happenin' hepcats and kittens!! Readers of the Rotten, I am back from migraine/cluster hell and no, that is not what this write-up is about. So today I found on IMDB a few actors I follow as they discussed this particular animated film from Warner Brothers. With a overall vibe of exploitation, blaxploitation and Kung Fu double features were the order of the day, this movie also brings about a well-known superhero. This is Batman: Soul of the Dragon.

 

 

I am the night... Dig?

 

 

 

 

 

 

The era is 1970s, an organization known as the Cult of Kobra seeks an ancient relic that will bring about the destruction of mankind. Baby, that ain't cool. Our story centers around 6 students of an elder martial arts master and how they each found their path. O-sensei (James Hong of Chinatown,Blade Runner, Big Trouble in Little China, Jackie Chan Adventures, Dragon Dynasty and Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.) has instructed would-be warriors for many years. Each of these students come from different walks of life and each all have their own pain they either wish to conquer or use that rage as a weapon. 

 

 

Laaaaadies...

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bruce Wayne (David Giuntoli of Privileged, Eli Stone, U.S. Attorney, Grimm, 13 Hours, Mother's Little Helpers and A Million Little Things) has learned what he must to bring about his crusade as Batman. His close ally, Richard Dragon (Mark Dacascos of Double Dragon, Sabotage, The Crow: Stairway to Heaven, Brotherhood of the Wolf, Stargate Atlantis, Wolvesbayne, Mortal Kombat: Legacy and Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.) a super spy for the CIA, a James Bond archetype that just happens to resemble the late Bruce Lee. Richard finds this cult is fronting all sorts of criminal acts as they chase after a mystical door. A door Richard and his fellow students are all together familiar with. Time to rally the troops.

After Batman agrees to join Richard, they have a greater task ahead of them. Getting the ruler of Chinatown on board with them. The merciless, ruthless and gorgeous Lady Shiva (Kelly Hu of Surf Ninjas, Sunset Beach, Martial Law, The Scorpion King, X2: X-Men United, Succubus: Hell-Bent, Robot Chicken and Batman: Under the Red Hood) runs a fighting ring, probably some racketeering and a bit of protection money. That being said, that section of town is probably street crime free, no graffiti and less cars getting boosted. Shiva longs for the battle for those that belittle her master's goals and teachings. Not to mention Bruce's disco and Shiva's fight club suffered damages. Damn, if only Shiva knew a boy billionaire that is loaded with greenbacks.

 

Ms. Woosan if yer nasty

 

 

 

 

 

 

Finally, at a nearby dojo, Ben Turner is teaching classes for underprivileged kids and trying to strengthen their hopes and dreams. Ben Turner a.k.a. Bronze Tiger (Michael Jai White of Spawn, Silverhawk, Universal Soldiers: The Return, Blood and Bone, Black Dynamite, For Better or Worse, Black Dynamite cartoon and Chocolate City) who claims if he didn't spare a cult member, none of this would be happening. With our four warriors ready to bust some heads and kick some ass, the cult is moving forward with their intentions, their leader of course has two substantial fighters higher than his typical acolytes.

King Snake (Patrick Seitz of EverQuest II: Echoes of Faydwer, Castlevania: The Dracula X Chronicles, Mega Man Star Force, League of Legends, Black Butler, Mortal Kombat and Resident Evil" The Mercenaries 3D), a blind martial arts master and Lady Eve (Grey Griffin of Star Wars: Jedi Knight- Jedi Academy, True Crime: Streets of LA, Fallout: Brotherhood of Steel, The Weekenders, Doom 3, World of Warcraft, Star Wars: Clone Wars, X-Men Legends II: Rise of Apocalypse and Ultimate Avengers: The Movie) a true believer and devout follower with twin blades at her service. 

 

A few points of observation at this time. One, this doesn't appear to be any Batman continuity but feels more like an action/adventure flick. Two, this is a great voice cast handling our main characters, the story is solid and the animation does an excellent job.

In addition, voice work done by Jaime Chung (Days of Our Lives, Katrina, Greek, Samurai Girl, Sorority Row, Sucker Punch, The Hangover Part II, The Man with the Iron Fists, Frank Miller's Sin City: A Dame to Kill For, Resident Advisors and Gotham), Chris Cox (All-Star Superman, Gears of War 3, F.E.A.R. 3, Batman: Arkham City, Saints Row: The Third, The Avengers: Earth's Mightiest Heroes, and Skylanders: Giants) and Erica Luttrell (The Magic School Bus, The New Ghostwriter Mysteries, Dave the Barbarian, Diablo III: Reaper of Souls, Lego Batman 3: Beyond Gotham, World of Warcraft: Warlords of Draenor, The Death and Return of Superman and Magnum P.I.)

From the street thugs to the axe wielding lunatics, to the car chases; this truly embraces 70s exploitation so well. And yes Bronze Tiger does resemble Jim Kelly of Black Belt Jones, Black Samurai and Enter the Dragon. The funny part is Kelly Hu is reprising Shiva's voice. She voiced her originally in Batman: Arkham Origins as well as, Michael Jai White reprises Bronze Tiger of which he played live action in Arrow. Yes this was a fun flick, it's violent, good story and plenty of action.

 

Black Samuarai? Hell no. That's Bronze Tiger, baby.

 

Yes, Madam!

 Hey all! Welcome to my madness that is the blog, my readers of the rotten.  So sue me, I was feeling poetic and squirrelly.  Today we are doing a Hong Kong action flick because I haven't done one in a while.  That alone is enough for me.   So into the TARDIS for the far back time of 1985, launching not one, but two martial arts movie stars and creating "girls with guns" sub-genre.  This is Yes, Madam! a.k.a. Karate Tiger a.k.a. In the Line of Duty: Yes, Madam! a.k.a. Super Cops a.k.a. In the Line of Duty 2 a.k.a. Police Assassins a.k.a. Police Assassins II

A double ass-whooping is waitin' for yooooou...

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yes, thanks to foreign production, reproduction and re-distribution we have multiple Also Known As titles. Hardly to be a shock in this blog.

Our story begins with two hapless petty thieves Strepsil (John Sham of Charlie's Bubble, To Hell with the Devil, Winners & Sinners, Mad Mission 3: Our Man from Bond Street, The Return of Pom Pom, Double Trouble, Curry and Pepper and Double Impact) and Aspirin (Hoi Mang of Za ma, Way of the Black Dragon, The Dragon and the Tiger Kids, Double Trouble, Legacy of Rage, The Gamblin Ghost and Vampire Expert II) that become involved with a murder case due to the items they stole from a murdered fellow. They find a role of microfilm among the dead man's passport and decide to hock it to their fence/forger Panadol (producer/director/writer/actor Hark Tsui of Chasing Girls, Mad Mission, The Winter of 1905, Mad Mission 2: Aces Go Places, All the Wrong Spies, Mad Mission 3: Our Man from Bond Street, Shanghai Blues, Run Tiger, Run, Working Class and I Love Maria).

NERDS!

 

 

 

 

 

 Inspector Ng has to deal with a flasher and have him booked for swinging with Bing. See what I did there? While pervert is being transported away, an armored truck rolls up with some baddies hot on the trail, and we know they're baddies because the incidental music just kicked in. Expect a rumble! FYI, Michelle Yeoh is hot in glasses. A little Gun Fu, Kung Fu and Moo Sho. I was on a roll, sorry. The bad guys are down and Ng went Dirty Harry on these guys in 3 minutes of the flick!

Meanwhile Inspector Ng (Michelle Yeoh of In the Line of Duty, Dynamite Fighters, Supercop, Holy Weapon, Supercop 2, Tomorrow Never Dies, Moonlight Express, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, Silver Hawk, Babylon A.D., Kung Fu Panda 2, Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 and Star Trek: Discovery) has been assigned to the murder case in response to the infamous Mr. Tin (James Tien of The Big Boss, Fist of Fury, A Man Called Tiger, Attack of the Kung Fu Girls, Thunderbolt, The Seven Coffins, The Hand of Death, Shaolin Plot, Iron Fisted Monk, Immortal Warriors and The Fearless Hyena) and it is speculated the dead man was an accountant working with Scotland Yard moving forward with his investigation. The dead man was Inspector Ng's lover so she definitely has a stake in this. Of course standard police procedure would have been to take her off the case due to her personal nature in the case that would cloud her judgement, but that's just crazy talk!

 

What she said.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Enter Inspector Carrie Norris (Cynthia Rothrock of Rapid Fire, No Witnessess, China O' Brien, China O' Brien II, Martial Law, Fast Getaway, Angel of Fury, Rage and Honor, Honor and Glory, Lady Dragon 2 and Undefeatable) who also has a personal stake in this and takes the law into her own hands. Gee, now we need Ng's boss to swear profusely, throw them off the case and suspend them.

Panadol gets pinched and sings like a canary on the bumbling thieves. Now the race is on to track down these two collective heads of knuckle, get the goods on Mr. Tin and avenge Richard. 

 

So noticed quite a few things. Lifted music from Halloween II, Miami Vice, and Sisters of Mercy songs. The film is subtitled and I could not get it to stop. Sorry if that is annoying in the screenshots. For the Hong Kong action films, this is a first creating the sub-genre "Girls with Guns".   Aside from stolen tunes and the comic relief slowly warping my brain, the ladies whoop ass, take names and give some serious stunt performance. So if you are a fan of either of these martial arts gals, give it a watch.

 

Blonde's packin' a Roscoe, Boss.

 

Little Dead Rotting Hood

Happy Veterans Day!   No I will not be reviewing a war picture, TV series or Video Game depicting war.   It's cliche' and several fans that are veterans got tired of that in 2015, so we are going to an Asylum Pictures instead.  Yes, Asylum Pictures. The folks that brought you Z Nation, Sharknado, Atlantic Rim and more than a few mock busters are have a flick that caught my eye. So monsters roaming in a tiny woodland town and only a family curse can keep these wolves from huffing, puffing and knocking down your door. This is Little Dead Rotting Hood. 

 

Miss Jackson if you're nasty.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

An ancient family curse keeps the bad things at bay of the small town of Stillwater Pennsylvania (What looks like Santa Clarita, California) and it takes its toll on them all.  Going to Grandmother's house we go as we meet Marina Sirtis?? (The Return of Sherlock Holmes, Waxwork II: Lost in Time, Star Trek: The Next Generation, Gargoyles, Star Trek: Generations, Star Trek: First Contact, Stargate SG-1, Star Trek: Insurrection, Paradise Lost, Star Trek: Voyager, Terminal Error and Net Games) is Esmeralda Whitfield. A young girl, Samantha (Bianca A.Santos of Ouija, Happyland, The DUFF, Dream Americano, The Fosters, Priceless, Happily Never After and Avenge the Crows) was on her way to Grandmother's house only to be savaged by wolves.  The girl dies from severe blood loss and Grandma Whitfield just buries her in the friggin' woods!  Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?!!   Before Sam dies, Grandma tells her she has to protect the people of the town and it is her turn to do such.   THEN FRIGGIN' BURIES HER!!!  All this in the first five minutes of the movie by the way.  YEAH!   Well there's a red hood, a blade, a bloodletting and an oath offered but STILL!!!

 

Gurgle...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 The Sheriff (Eric Balfour of 24, Veritas: The Quest, Six Feet Under, Haven, Dinoshark, Skyline and Agenda: Payback) and Deputy Henry (Patrick Muldoon of Melrose Place, Starship Troopers, Stigmata, Red Team, Blackwoods, Project Viper, Ice Spiders, Christmas Town, Repo, Days of Our Lives and Badge of Honor) found Grandma lifeless and they can't imagine why she committed suicide. I agree.   Picard is a much better series than the critics say.   Samantha's boyfriend, Danny (Lil' Romeo Miller of Honey, All Grown Up, Romeo!, The Pig People, Madea's Witness Protection, How To Rock, The Love Letter, Frat Brothers and Brotherly Love) hasn't heard a thing from her since last night. Sure it's a small town and nothing is every really gone crazy but his Spidey senses start tingling and runs to the Sheriff.

 

 Let's be fair to the Sheriff. The most he has to contend with is probably kids having booze bonfires, screwing on lover's lane and issuing speeding tickets.  A missing person's report could just sound like an overprotective boyfriend but he says he will tell folks to keep an eye out for her and he'll keep Danny in the loop.  In reality, Danny would have to wait 48 hours overall, so yeah better universe for this instance.  

 Danny starts hitting the school, Sam's house and leaving messages on her phone all to nothing. Yeah it is this point you try your level best to not freak out like you really really want to.   Night time looming and Sam digs her way out of her grave, sporting claws and black contact lenses. Well that can't be good.   

 But enough of that, it's party time! Get yer drink on! Yes the typical teenager horror film tropes are at the ready.  We'll have drunken jockos tormenting the nerds, body shots, couples sneaking off to screw their brains out in the woods.   All the classics.   Enough debauchery to raise Jason Voorhees out of his lake of doom and start racking a body count.  Thankfully none of the kids are near Crystal Lake or Forrest Green or whatever it is called now.  Danny is getting hit on at the party while he is still checking his phone to see if Sam called him back.  Trust me, whatever he is drinking is not calming his mood at all.

 

Psst.. kid, you gotta get me out of this flick.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 And before you even hit me up with the messages, yes guys there's some titty.    God, you have no idea how sick I am of that question.  STOP LEAVING THAT MESSAGE!!!   Sorry ladies, it is a query I have to field every other Horror movie.  Upside?  You're probably never gonna have to date these guys. I know that isn't much of a bonus but that's what I had. 

Shockingly enough a wolf is out and about, prowling and gobbling up a teen like McDonald's french fries. Guess someone better call the Sheriff. Crazy part is loud music, fires going and a lot of kids does not make a lone wolf suddenly go apeshit.   Science fact!  They're pack hunters and don't go after people unless they are starving.   Sheriff and Deputy Henry are creeped out, call for State troopers for back up because they know they'll have to do a grid search.  Plus those pesky Sasquatch and Nachzehers are going to make their move next. 

 State trooper Victoria (5-time Emmy Award winner Heather Tom of The Young and the Restless, One Life to Live, Ugly Betty, The Bold and the Beautiful, Lucifer and Animal Among Us) and her partner are backing up the sheriff all the while they are still befuddled why Mrs. Whitfield killed herself. Victoria gives us some exposition talking about Whitfield being a staple of the town, a living legend if you will.   Teens dropping faster than Trump's rating approval and the Sheriff is still thinking it is just a few wolf encounters, so he gathers a search and rescue team of the local yokels.   Yes arm them with guns and let's go into the woods at sundown.  Boy that can't end in bloodshed at all.  Didn't you see Silver Bullet, Sheriff? 

With a spooky intro of Becky Sanders (Amy Argyle of Hard Love, Blood Effects, Adopting Terror, Illegal, Grooming Giselle, Frank & Lola, Moon Creek Cemetery and Parker's Anchor), it is pretty obvious who the Alpha is and what is going on. Or is she?.. She has a little cat and mouse chat with the Sheriff and he can almost get the vibe she's not on the up and up. 

Will Sam be able to fulfill her destiny? Can the town be saved? How many of the folk will be on the buffet? 

 

 

 

With all the negative critics on this flick I would point out what it does have versus what it lacks. Some excellent drone footage over the treetops, a decent story idea about nature against humanity, a solid cast, good direction and editing.   I really don't understand why my fellow critics are tossing this wolf story under the bus.  I guess they were expecting it to have Rick Baker's work like in The Howling or American Werewolf in London. Perhaps they were hoping for it to surpass Dog Soldiers in SFX and gore. 

What we have is a smaller budget that still comprised of extras, animal handlers, POV shots, faux wolf heads for the close-up blocking shots and a heroine to the likes of Buffy.   Actual wolves were used but there were no real rounds fired.   Muzzle flashes and gun shots sounds were all added in post-production.   I have a feeling most of those firearms were Airsoft pellet guns too.  At the end of the day, this is a popcorn flick with a bit of gore, decent one-liners and an interesting story. 

 

Girl, you tryin' to get a brother killed?

 

Bright

So I'm back. Yeah, yeah. I've been gone and missed Halloween movie reviews. So with all the police complaints throughout the cities of this country, I thought I would get a film from the long back when 2017 (yeah my nephew loves that so long ago comment to watch me twitch). A view of the LAPD, magic and meta beings. With copious amounts of car chases, gun fights worthy of a John Woo film and snappy patter, I feel this film is sorely underrated. This is Bright. 

 

What do you mean you didn't like Fresh Prince?!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Through the lens of writer/director David Ayer (U-571 The Fast and the Furious, Training Day, Dark Blue, S.W.A.T., End of Watch, Fury, Suicide Squad and Training Day TV series) shows a world looking like a modern day Middle Earth with Orcs, Elves, Fairies and every other fairy tale creature in between. Imagine exotic elves dominating Malibu, Orcs drinking 40s in South Central and humans of every color and class crammed in this expanded desert city. 

 With a long road to recovery, Officer Daryl Ward (Will Smith of Independence Day, Bad Boys, Men in Black, Wild Wild West, Ali, I, Robot, Shark Tale and I Am Legend) is fit for duty and to get back to the streets.   His partner, an Ork named Nick Jakoby (Joel Edgerton of The Hard Word, The Secret Life of Us,Star Wars: Episode II: Attack of the Clones, King Arthur, Kinky Boots, Smokin' Aces, Whisper and Dirt Game) failed to catch Ward's shooter and it has caused some tension between the two. Vowing to start a new day and not getting old hard feelings back, the boys roll into the station, load the shop and back out into town.   Dealing with routine pick ups, cruising the neighborhood, Ward is told by IA (Internal Affairs) they don't trust Jakoby's account of the shootout that landed Ward in the hospital. They want to can him but they can't just open end fire him without huge blow back. Ward agrees to record Jakoby's confession and get IA off his ass.

 

Ugh, I can smell talking monkeys.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 Towards the end of shift, the boys roll down to South Central to a possible gunfight. As they investigate a building with a mass amount of dead assailants, our cops run into Tikka (Lucy Fry of Lightning Point, Reef Doctors, Mako Mermaids, Vampire Academy, Now Add Honey, Mr. Church, Wolf Creek, The Darkness and She's Missing) a young elf girl running scared with a terrifying weapon, a magic wand. With an explosion and a substantial gun fight, the Barrio hoods heard about the wand and now the crap storm is moving into an tsunami. 

 Subplot 2 indicates The FBI's Magic Division are trailing a wand user. She's a renegade elf name of Leilah (Noomi Rapace of Daisy Diamond, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, The Girl Who Played with Fire, The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest, Millennium, Beyond, Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows and Prometheus). It would appear she and her minions...hmm lackeys? Lick spittles? Yay! Lick spittles! Anyway she and her lick spittles are trying to resurrect a being known as The Dark Lord and bring about an era of darkness the world hasn't seen in 5,000 years. 

 

Please sir, more gruel.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Subplot 3 gives us Leilah and her lackeys hot in pursuit after Ward, Jakoby and Tikka to reclaim the wand and go about the ending of the world. With corrupt cops, L.A. Gangbangers, FBI not knowing who is the good guys and renegade elves, Ward and Jakoby are in the soup and brother that soup is scalding. Trying to think, catch their collective breaths and not kill one another; the boys have to protect Tikka and the wand from all this crazy that only L.A.can produce. 

Where to even begin with this flick? The racist and class issues tone is perfect. The ignorance of races and hatred of the haves and have nots holds true to these misconceptions we all have a tendency to cling to. Realizing all the elves are in Malibu makes me wonder how many spray tanned, bleach teethed white folk got tossed out of the neighborhood for "lowering the tone'. Just made me laugh is all. 

 

 

Ward and Jakoby both are openly mocked by their own. As members of minorities, folk that have been brutalized by cops of the generations, it seems obscene that either of these men would be cops in many eyes. This would be the second film both Will Smith and Jay Hernadez was in with David Ayer. The first being Suicide Squad. Yet another underrated film of David Ayer. It's violent, it's graphic and yes fellas; there's a bit of titty in it. Trust me, you will stay in for the story as well. More gun play than a Lethal Weapon flick. Hell the shots look like an homage to John Woo's A Better Tomorrow. 

 Can you let the kids watch it? Well...I'm not a parent but overall it's not that big a deal violence, language and nudity wise but again; I am not a parent. It's ultimately the parents' call. For the parents however, yeah you will get a serious gut laugh in some of these scenes. I own this and it gets slipped into the regular watching. Have a good one and sorry for the hiatus.

 

A malefic, murderous, Maybeline model?

 

Bloodsuckers

 

Salutations Readers of the Rotten and welcome back to the blog. Now there is a ton of negative reviews on today's movies and some of that is deserved for minor reasons. However, it has some redeeming value due to dialogue choices, creature species names and clear nods to the admired creators. So delving into this Sci-Fi/Horror, I was actually burning a copy for my mom when I realized I never reviewed this film on the blog but for Epinion.com oh so many moons ago. This is Bloodsuckers a.k.a.Vampire Wars a.k.a. Vampire Wars: Battle for the Universe.

 

Worse paintball team...ever.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Personally I like the last title. I just envision Dolph Lundgren as He-Man curb stomping vampires into oblivion. Writer/director/producer Matthew Hastings (Decoys, Panikiller Jane, Eureka, Alphas, The Originals and Shadowhunters) had a vision...um vampires in space. Sort of a Andromeda/Buffy crossover universe. The typical wooden stake, crosses, holy water and whatnot doesn't help at all. Maybe this is Blade crossover. But they seem to be using conventional rounds OF THE FUTURE... Yeah Mossbergs, an M4 with 40mm grenade launcher and metal chromed spikes. Sayth whaaaaat???

So yeah we have a few points to make before we dive right in:

1) The tri-barrel heavy rifle that Roman (Aaron Pearl) is using is from Blade: Trinity. The rifle Patton Oswalt's character shows off to Reynolds, Snipes and Biel's looks at. 2) the interior cockpit, crew quarters and landing plank of our intrepid vampire hunters' ride is the Eureka Maru from Andromeda. They decorated it a bit but Roddenberry fans will immediately recognize this has Captain Valentine's rusted out crap box of the stars. 3) the species of vampires are named after horror film slasher icons such as Voorhees and Leatherface 4) the Captain's sidearm is the Blade: the Series sawed off shotgun with vents. They just added laser sights to it. Trust me, with that spread, you really won't need to aim; just worry about recoil.

In the far away future of 2210, humanity has explored the stars and the only other intelligent lifeforms out there are the vampires. Different breeds, whole lot of attitude. The V-SAN or Vampire Sanitation (sounds like the vamps call them for a blocked toliet) are on the case. From mining planets to areas of British Columbia that Stargate and its spin-offs hadn't filmed in, our brave hunters are taking down suckheads left and right. IT'S A FRIGGIN' CREW OF FIVE!!!!!

Vampire Reavers? Veavers? Rampires?

 

 

 

 

 

 

For God's sake, at least the Sulocco in Aliens had a platoon worth of space marines. My favorite Damphyr of BloodRayne (Natassia Malthe of Devil's Highway, Skinwalkers, DOA: Dead or Alive, Dead & Deader, Sex and Death 101, BloodRayne: Deliverance, Alone in the Dark II and BloodRayne: The Third Reich) is playing...wait for it... a Damphyr. Typecasting or do producers just like her in mid-riff leathers? That may be a bit sexist. Granted you won't hear me complain that a gorgeous woman is in leathers and strutting about.

Our touch as nails Captain Churchill is Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman's hubby??? Yeah it is Joe Lando (Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home, Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman, Counterstrike, Bloodsuckers, Wildfire, A.I. Assault, Meteor Apocalypse and The Secret Circle) leading our team of FIVE into hostile territories. They snag, bag and tag the vampires or call corporate and tell them the planet is a write-off. It's a tough job but somebody's got to do it.  Breaking in a new roster to the crew is corporate officer Lt. Damian (Dominic Zamprogna of It Waits, Supernatural, Battlestar Galactica, Battlestar Galactica: The Resistance, Blade: The Series, Painkiller Jane, The L Word, Smallville and 2012), a wet behind the ears rookie that may just have what it takes to gack some vamps. Awww he's got a coming of age story. Precious.

 

10 to 1 she heard a cheesy pick-up line.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Among our fine bunch of badasses is gunner duo team-up Roman (Aaron Pearl of The Tortured, Ice Quake, Lloyd the Conqueror, Christmas Miracle, Supernatural, King & Maxwell, Godzilla, Til Death Do Us Part and No Men Beyond This Point) our Drake of Aliens archtype and Rosa (Leanne Adachi of Deep Rising, The Final Cut, The Invisible, The Day the Earth Stood Still, Stargate Universe, Red Widow, Rogue adn Supernatural) our Vasquez wannabe. Well now that the Mousekeeters signed off, they get into the fracas. Shocking the first planet they find has been ransacked and ravaged. For a handful of vamps, they made quite the mess. Moving on from the mining colony, the ship gets an SOS and naturally they're the only ship in the quadrant (Hmm sound Star Trek enough for ya?) so they go in. Finding the sole survivor Fiona (A.J. Cook of Final Destination 2, Tru Calling, Criminal Minds, Dead Like Me, Vanished, Night Skies, Misconceptions and Mother's Day) she tells the hunters that the last place the rest of the colony was down in the mines. FYI, these are the same mines that were used for First Blood. Yeah a bit more movie trivia. You're welcome, gang!

Our team head right to the obvious trap instead of taking off and nuking the site from orbit, because...plot device. Shockingly enough, a team of five really cannot hold off hundreds of vamps. Who knew?  The Captain gets separated from the team and Damian has to take up command. Reluctantly, the duo fire team follow Damian as they find out someone has issued codes to shut down orbital defenses on the allied planets inhabited by humans.  Soooo...it's a universal code?   One code and that's it?! I can change my remote, my Ipad, hell my laptop's registration but one frickin' code?!!! Ever heard of backups?!!  Sorry sorry.

 

Not even Dylan Hunt would hire these clowns.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Now our band has to play on and find out who sold the humans out, eradicate them and save the universe. That's a tall order. Getting backup isn't an option as they don't know how far up the ranks of the corporate of V-SAN this goes. Bet it was Burke. He'd definitely screw us for a percentage.

Obviously this film is a love letter to many a creator. James Cameron for Aliens, Joss Whedon for Buffy and Firefly a little smidgen of John Carpenter for Vampires and definitely Star Trek for the Final Frontier gag and techno babble.

Is it a bad movie? No. Is it filled with tropes we have seen before? Well yes. A group of loners that work together, combat their differences, back stories and issues then fight side-by-side? Yeah it may have been done before. There are clever ideas, decent locations, the FX is spot on and overall story is feasible for a TV plot. Is it captivating to the likes of Serenity? Well that is an unfair comparison and Firefly had a lot of desperate elements and characters that amounted over the course of 14 episodes and a later a movie. If Bloodsuckers got the same treatment, they could do pretty well. So yes if this were the pilot episode rather than the movie, you'd have a chance.

At the end of the day it is a goofy flick with some action, one liners and vampires. Look if you came for a riveting story that tells us the underlining metaphor of humanity and the hopes and dreams that would one day become reality, you picked the wrong blog. I really don't review those types of film. If you came for some laughs, cheesy lines and a decent enough plot; you're in luck.

Grr. Arrgh.