Rotten Reelz Reviews Audio Review # 42: Vampire Journals

As a request I look into more Ted Nicolau movies, I made this review and who knows?  Perhaps I will do some more Subspecies.   It is entirely possible.  Vampire Journals is up and running, awaiting your peepers, comments and queries.   Have fun!

Rotten Reelz Reviews Audio Review #41: George Romero's Land of the Dead

Hey gang!  I screwed up again and forgot to put the review on here.   My apologies.

As always, the link is up and sorry again about that.   Stay tuned!  I will be posting a review on Vampire Journals as well.

Women in Prison...Again: The Concrete Jungle

Hiya guys and gals and welcome back to the week. Yup more Women in Prison films..whoopie...Goldberg. So shocking an innocent girl gets jailed in prison of a drug offense carrying decent weight worth of cocaine. Yeah color me shocked that they threw the book at her. 

 This is The Concrete Jungle.

Your gun is digging into my  hip.

With a lovely skiing holiday coming to an end, Elizabeth (Tracey Bregman of The Funny Farm, Days of Our Lives, The Young and the Restless, Happy Birthday to Me, The Bold and the Beautiful, Sex & Mrs. X, Spyder Games and Low Lifes) is head over heels for her swell guy, Danny (Peter Brown of Lawnman, Laredo, One Life to Live, Loving, JAG, The Wedding Planner, Hell to Pay and Three Bad Men). Well he asks of Liz just one favor. To make sure his skis make it back into the country with no issues. Given how much flake is riding in those skis, Danny convinces her that the cops would never look twice at such a pretty, innocent girl and it will only be this one time. No truer words were spoken as the cops snag her at the airport with skis in hand. Rather than working with the kid and seeing if she is part of an outfit or maybe working for Mr. Big they just toss her springy ass into jail. Now that is a lazy cop and justice system. You could have actually tracked her whereabouts and cross-referenced with Interpol but nah, much easier to lob a kid into the jug.

Methinks she may have been in too long.

Well you know the score. The warden reads her the riot act and tells her to not rock the boat. Warden Fletcher(Jill St. John of The Lost World, Tony Rome, The Roman Spring of Mrs. Stone, Diamonds Are Forever, Out There, The Player, The Trip and Northpole) tolerates no insubordination but has to keep wary of the prison's alpha, Cat (Barbara Luna of Ship of Fools, Star Trek Mirror, Mirror episode, The Devil at 4 o' Clock, Hunter, Dragnet, Mission: Impossible and The Sandra West Diaries) a tough as nails yet easy on the eyes hellion who gets what she wants or who she wants. The coke deals go down through the prison and on to the streets. Cat blurts this out trying to nail Elizabeth that even the Warden is bought and paid for.

Yes, I am a Bond girl.

None of this can be proved as there is no paperwork, trail or any direct evidence proving her hand is in the cookie jar. Elizabeth volunteers to get her on tape, has to fend off guards sodomizing her, convicts trying to jump her or kill her and justice seeming far far away.

With the evidence piled up, no one listening to her, Elizabeth has to get tough. Yeah we have the cliche' rapey guards, the prison doctor with a heart of gold and multiple bunk and shower scenes. WooOoO something new there. Reminiscent of Chained Heat but not as well scripted, our film has all the tropes of the lesbians in jail, forced bisexuality, monstrous guards and hosing all the girls down during a riot.

Will Danny get pinched? Will the Warden face incarceration herself? Can the system be fixed?

Budweiser and cocaine: Breakfast of Sleazebags.

Now considering the subgenre, the acting is decent, the scenes are shot very well but the subject matter pisses me off to no end. How many of the same film has to be made over and over? Technically you could say that about every genre out there but for crying out loud, people.

Okay, rant over. You actually feel Elizabeth's desperation for survival, the villains are a bit over the top but having had previous examples of this, that fits the film well. Directed by Tom DeSimone (Chatterbox!, Reform School Girls, Hell Night, The Big Easy, Dark Justice and Swamp Thing) on a budget of 700k, this smut fest brought in over 11 million so yeah you can say it is successful. Simple formula of good girl stuck in a madhouse of bad girls and a corrupt system is easy enough to produce. I guess I could put this up there with Caged Fury and Chained Heat but not sure if that is the bar you need.  Incidentally no trailer due to I couldn't find one Safe For Work and others under 18.

Damn, that is a serious stare down.

Women in Prison...Again: Women in Cages

Welcome back to Women in Prison...Again Week. Again I apologize to those not thrilled with how this week will unfurl and it is hard to get around such but one must make do. Innuendos too subtle? Well today I found a Corman production in the Philippines were young innocent girls are being sold on the black market sex slave trade. Tasteful, I know. Hey you didn't have to sit through it. This is Women in Cages.

CATFIGHT!!!!

Man, the title just screams sexist piggies at work, doesn't it? Our story follows Carol "Jeff" Jefferies (Jennifer Gan of In Like Flint, Love, American Style, Nichols, Ironside, Naked Angels, Hello, Dollly and The Virginian) as she takes the fall for her boyfriend's criminal schemes on board his ship consisting of prostitution, gambling and smack trade (heroine for you, suckas). With the heat on his ass, Rudy (Charlie Davao of Bingbong: The Vincent Crisologo Story, Zhi fa wei long, Lethal Panther 2, Rosalinda, Darna and May bukas pa) hides almost a kilo of snow in Jeff's purse. Yeah who doesn't walk around town with that much dope in their purse?

Tossed in this hellhole filled with hellcats, Jeff of course is introduced to Alabama (Not Hot Pocket, Shawn but Pam Grier of The Big Bird Cage, Hit Man, Black Mama White Mama, Coffy, The Arena, Scream Blacula Scream, Foxy Brown, Sheba, Baby, Jackie Brown and Fortress 2) a lesbian torturous sadist of a prison guard...lesbian sadist? Anyway, she takes no crap, keeps girls in line and rewards those that tow the line.

Mmm, Pantene did wonders for your hair.

Seeing Rudy left her holding the bag and the other prisoners hold her in ill-regard, Jeff starts formulating a plan of escape. Stokes (Roberta Collins of The Big Doll House, Women in Cages, Caged Heat, Hardbodies, Hardbodies 2, School Spirit and Death Wish II), a smack addict thinks she can plot against Jeff for more smack. Reason and logic are probably not a heroin addict's best friend. Theresa (Sofia Moran of Playpen, Women in Cages, Batman and Robin (1972), The Smugglers, Bandolera, Secret Witness and Kingpin) is in bed with Alabama, in that she's her regular Saturday Night Thang...until they have a falling out. Guess she was the bad wife.

I'm confused. Her credit is head guard of the prison and yet Pam's role is almost the warden. So the formula of course is wrongly accused girls laboring in the fields, cat fights galore, load of showering and yup TORTURE! Pam has her own dungeon a.k.a. The Playpen. Less dom and more Spanish Inquisition though. These girls aren't walking away with a light paddling. I did start laughing realizing Pam owns her white girls, whipping them and making them slave in the hot sun. I'm weird that way.

The porn parody of The Great Escape is hard to follow.

Typical Grindhouse double feature with Emanuelle Escapes Hell you would almost wager. Granted, Emanuelle Escapes Hell came out in 1982 but my point remains.

With rough terrain, dense jungle and God only knows what lurks in the waters, Theresa, Jeff, Stokes and Sandy (Judy Brown of The Big Doll House, Threesome, A Woman for all Men, Toxic Zombies and House Calls) scheme to make their escape. Theresa guiding them tells the girls they can get help on the outside and hightail it outta there.

With violence and jiggly titties galore the men folk should be sated. Ladies, I have no idea what possible interest this film is for you...at all. I feel like I need a shower just from watching this sleazy, dismal hodge podge of sex and violence. It's grim and somber, our little flick and I really have no redeeming value for it. Um...the camera work was impressive.

Why are they in The Crimson Executioner's basement?

Women in Prison...Again: Caged Fury

And we are back big, bold and brassy. Welcome back to the blog folks and some of you...I won't be talking to. As it has been a request to do more Women in Prison flicks I am begrudgingly doing just that. Today's opus contains inmates being forced to wear lingerie and pass "favors" to the warden for early parole options. No board committee, apparently you just get freaky and your sentence gets lightened. This is Caged Fury.

Breasts? er um I mean Beer?

Shot in the Alabama Hills in Lone Pine California, hive of scum and villainy to the prisoners is never seen to the outside world what lengths the girls must go to survive. One girl can't take it any longer and somehow dug a way into the air ducts that has more room in it than Bruce Willis got in Die Hard. Seriously he could have had a ruck sack, a rifle, canteen and sidearms traipsing through this.

Blonde Escapee (Kascha of Hawaii Vice 2 through 8, Backdoor to Hollywood 6 and 7, Nina's Toys and Boys, Kascha's Days and Nights, Fade to Black, Girls of the Double D 5 and 8) you would think they could have given her character a name, dammit. So rather than alerting this escape, the poonhound higher ranking guard Spyder (Gregory Cummins of Cliffhanger, Last of the Dogmen, Evil Eye, The Italian Job, Bones, NCIS: Los Angeles and Bosch) slaps the guard assigned to watch the cellblock and pops a straight razor to slash his throat. Sensitivity training is coming your way, bubba.

Head Guard (Paul L. Smith of Popeye, Pieces, Dune, Midnight Express, Red Sonja, , Crossing the Line, Desert Kickboxer and Maverick) tends to Blonde Escapee and teaches the girls a lesson in why it's good to fall in line. He may also need to attend a sensitivity training class, or y'know be shot. Whichever works best.

Uh oh Bluto looks horny! Duck and cover!!

We pan shoot around a large ranch area meeting the Collins family. With Kathie (Roxanna Michaels of The Newlydeads, Baja, Glitch!, Playboy: Tales of Erotic Fantasies, David and Lola and Bikini Seasons 2) as her little sister Tracey (Elena Sahagun of Marked for Death, Stigmata, 44, Teenage Exorcist, Firetrap, Tremors 3: Back to Perfection and Magic Man) embarks to move out of the house to L.A. away from that awful, controlling Dad (Michael Parks of Walker, Texas Ranger, From Dusk Till Dawn, Wicked, Kill Bill: Vol. 1, Kill Bill: Vol.2, Deathproof, Planet Terror, Street Poet, Red State and Kill Bill: The Whole Bloody Affair). Oh Dad, you're just too old to get this free spirit. Tee hee. Well Dad is handling this as best as he can but he does raise his concern of bad people doing bad things.

A hitchhiker Rhonda (April Dawn Dollarhide of Party Favors, Caged Fury and Dark Vengeance a.k.a. Warforce 3000) as to bail on her ride given he is trying to jump her. She and Tracey make their way to L.A. without a montage. Bit of a let down. Expected some tossing of Cheese Puffs or soda guzzling and a sing along with the songs on the radio but I move on.

Yeah yeah I know. Who are these people aside from Michael Park? What is the point of the film? Will there be shower scenes and so on and so forth. Well relax a damn minute and I will clue you in.

Off to the strip for some lukewarm rock, jiggling and debauchery. God I sound like an old man as I write this but that band was limp. Even Fred Durst would have walked. Meanwhile ex-stuntman Victor (Erik Estrada of ChiPs, Guns, The Modern Adventures of Tom Sawyer, Shattered Dreams, The Bold and the Beautiful, Chupacabra vs. The Alamo and Viturous) is looking to get a creep off of a buddy of his.

The night comes to a crashing halt as the bar bust ends in a fist fight via Victor and his buddy with action mullet Dirk (creator of American Combat Karate and martial artist Richard Barathy) trash the Rainbow Room from the looks of it.

Lulu (Janine Lindemulder of Moving Target, Lauderdale, Caged Fury, Hidden Obsessions, The Coven, Blonde Justice,Killer Looks, Way of the Dragon and Pirates) a hard rocking club girl having a good old time and was a hand in the bar fight herself.

Ewww.  Rat poop. Grody.

This "shoots" set up are shockingly enough involve around porn. Go figure. It seemed more on the up in up. The girls get scooped up due to the porn kingpin was tired of their bitching and whining so off to the gray bar hotel. The prosecution breezes through the charges claiming Tracey was a prostitute offering herself and...this is really blown out of proportion. The hearing is flashing after sentence so you know that went well.

The Warden Sybil (Mindi Miller of Hell Up in Harlem, Body Double, Amazons and Deadly Embrace)suffers no fools, gives the lay of the land (PUN INTENDED!) and tells the new inmates of the chores they can do to lighten their sentence.

Detectives Stoner (character actor extraordinaire James Hong of Chinatown, Bladerunner, Big Trouble in Little China, Merlin, Wayne's World 2, The Shadow, Mulan, Bladerunner video game, Spawn, Jackie Chan Adventures and RIPD) and Elston (Hugh Farrington of T.J. Hooker, Arizona Heat, Airwolf, The Terminator and Caged Heat) look into Tracey's rushed arrest and there is none on the books. Like she wasn't even charged or processed.

Feeling something's hinky between the jail and the porn kingpin so it's time for a montage??? Nah they just start investigating but hitting the streets and contacts a little rougher.

Will Tracey be locked up indefinitely?? How the hell would a prison get away with this?? And why does Paul Smith speak his lines so softly?

So the crux is young girls goof and get used and abused. Crooked system, crooked guards and warden. Seen it. This is not Chained Heat, folks. Never thought I would be using that as a base of comparison but there it is. The creativity is there but not a lot of follow through. This doesn't feel like the prison isn't being observed and even if it wasn't, um California taxes pay attention if not just the justice system. The warden will have pay for all the lingerie plus her bondage outfits and boy that does show up on a credit card purchase. Not sure the theme is either reform school girls or wayward girls. No real direct distinction.

Is it a thriller or is just an excuse to parade girls around in Fredrick's of Hollywood apparel. Primarily this is a sex slave scenario of millionaires blowing into town, porking away on their dollar and off they go. There is some actual drama between Tracey and Rhonda as they have each others' backs but the tropes are a bit heavy in this one. And the warden is channeling her inner Dyanne Thorne of the Ilsa She-Wolf series. Hell her name is Sybil Thorn which many believe a nod to both Sybil Danning of Chained Heat and Dyanne Thorne of Ilsa, She-Wolf of the SS.

Exterior shots aside, my God California is some gorgeous country. From mountains, the desert and the forests, you forget how much of this nature beauty is there. Run time is 95 mins normally but there is an 85 min version.

Not my cup of tea but it has an audience somewhere and certainly not the darkest WIP film I have seen.

Critters 3 got kinky.

Just Some TV: Clerks Uncensored

Hey gang. Back again for Just Some TV. This concept is to point out shows, concepts and ideas that did not last due to poor ratings, bad time slots and no faith in the source material. So today we are heading over to the View Askew Productions. Now for those of you that don't know this production company, LEAVE MY BLOG AND DIE!!! DIE LIKE A ROTTEN PIG CARCASS ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD OF LIFE!!!! Ahem, I could just tell you though. Yeah, that might be better. View Askew Productions is the brain trust of Kevin Smith and Scott Moser. Yes the f**king Clerks guy. Anywho, today I wanted to gab about the ABC cartoon creation that had to compete with CBS ever engrossing series Survivor and the NBA Finals via NBC. This is Clerks; The Animated Series.

Lemme guess, Randal said something offensive.

Similar artwork and paneling like the Critic, we join Randal (Jeff Anderson of Clerks, Dogma, Jay and Silent Bob Strikes Back, Clerks II, Zach and Miri Make a Porno, Randal's Monday, Stealing Time and Vulgar) a quippy, pop culture enthused video store clerk, his buddy and butt of many of his jokes, Dante (Brian O' Halloranof Clerks, Mallrats, How Do You Know, Mr. Hush, Hooking Up, Pokemon, The Happening and Clerks II) a directionless but intelligent guy that has no idea what he wants out of life but it's definitely not work the convenience store Quik Stop and our favorite drug peddling mischief makers Jay (Jason Mewes of Clerks, Mallrats, Dogma, Jay and Silent Bob Strikes Back, Vigilante Diaries, Devil's Tower, The Night Crew, The Last House, Clerks II and Yoga Hosers) and his hetro lifemate Silent Bob (Writer/director Kevin Smith of Clerks, Mallrats, Chasing Amy, Dogma, Zach and Miri Make a Porno, Red State, Tusk, Yoga Hosers and Holidays)

Kneel before Zod!!

No we're are not in black & white but glorious animated colors as our hapless heroes journey through this crazy thing called life on adventures, excitement and really cool things. Oh wait, no they don't. So being released on ABC, the vulgarities are toned waaaaay down as we can't go warping the minds of younguns with the "dirty words". So instead point out that kids play doctor, hang out with NBA all-stars like Charles Barkley and find entertainment on rainy days.

Jay and Silent Bob still smoke but there is no weed peddling. More on the lines of Mexican fireworks, slacking off and in general just looking for some fun. Dante and Randal have to contend with the show's main antagonist, the crafty and methodical Lex Luthor/Mr. Burns hybrid Leonardo Leonardo (Alec Baldwin of Beetlejuice, Heaven's Prisoners, Miami Blues, The Shadow, 30 Rock, The Departed, SNL, Boss Baby and Rules Don't Apply) and his manservant Plug (Producer Dan Etheridge of Veronica Mars, Izombie, The Nines, The Carrie Diaries and The Good Doctor) who may or may not be a robot/cyborg or cybernetic organism.

Kind of says it all, doesn't it?

With veteran voice actors like Phil LaMarr, Lauren Tom, Kevin Michael Richardson, Jeff Bennett, Tara Strong and April Winchell added to the shenanigans, we also have comedians, Dana Gould, Michael McKean, Al Franken and Gilbert Gottfried rounding out some general PG-13 silly. Still love the addition of NBA all-stars Charles Barkley, Reggie Miller and Grant Hill. So why only six episodes?

Our stories link up to past events from Clerks but again a bit neutered due to the ratings board. ABC see didn't see the potential golden goose so they killed it, cooked and ate it. I hear the executives stuffed their pillows with its feathers. A better venue for this would have been Cartoon Network's Adult Swim, HBO or even the Comedy Network. Again not sure if they could ever regain a foot hold for mainstream but I was thinking Netflix, HULU are always a good source right there. In spite of having to keep it cleaner and more wholesome, the jokes worked, the timing was digital and pop culture minutiae were secured. 

Hell the gag after the episode is similar to the Superfriends and G.I. Joe Learn as You Go and Grow was celebrity voices added to it. Who knows? Maybe they will pursue this further down the road. 

Well will be accepting donations of Cthulu, our lord and master.

Just Some TV: The Tick

Hey gang. Back again. Miss me? Well after that audio review I wasn't sure. Today I wanted to talk about the phenomenon that swept Netflix reaprising The Tick. Now the buzz is impressive on the progression of the show and they are allowed a bit more leniency that the cartoon on Fox those many years ago. With the sheer oddity and dark humor of this bizarre yet highly entertaining comic book series, to see it reemerge after its last attempt is almost heartwarming. There were problems with the previous live-action series. One, it was nine episodes in total. Two, it was shot like a sitcom and three they didn't really know what to do with it. Produced for TV by Barry Sonnenfeld and Barry Jospehson, this series came and went with no real follow up. This is The Tick.

Spicy bean burrito, you've met your match with my bowels.

Released in 2001, our big blue defender of the helpless and the hopeless secures a position at a rundown bus stop, monologue and giving all those in ear shot the lowdown. The Tick (Patrick Warburton of Seinfeld, NewsRadio, Scream 3, The Emperor's New Groove, Buzz Lightyear of Star Command, Men in Black II, Metal Arms: Glitch in the System, Family Guy, The Venture Bros and Rules of Engagement) is told his work is done here, given a bus ticket to "The City" and is sent onto his next round of adventures.

Sorry Arthur, you still look like a bunny.

Meanwhile a mild-mannered accountant, Arthur (David Burke of The Invisible Man, The Tick, Leo, Crossing Jordan, Joan of Arcadia, Chuck, NCIS: New Orleans, Nashville and Jumping the Gun) has been informed that wearing his "body stocking" at Worldwide Fishlatter and Sons accounting spells disaster. Character actor Christopher Lloyd tells Arthur that he can be an accountant or an idiot in a body stocking but he can be both. Arthur makes the bold choice to be a hero, gets a bit bombed at his local take-out/bar and saunters out into the night. He encounters former Soviet hardasses now mailmen prepping a surprise for the Postmaster General until Arthur pukes one of them.

Hearing a girlish scream of terror, The Tick springs into action, trounces our baddies and partners up with Arthur. One of the thugs informs them that the Red Scare, a powerful killer robot was designed to attack Jimmy Carter is still unaccounted for and defaults to its original programming. Let us pause and applaud the efficiency of Soviet Science for a minute. Okay that being said, Jimmy Carter happens to be in town at the precise time the bot is on the rampage. What are the odds indeed you ask yourself.

Lock up your daughters and your soccer moms.

Up to the rooftops to discuss their plan of attack as they encounter two more heroes, the charming and flamboyant BatManuel (Nestor Carbonell of Suddenly Susan, Resurrection Blvd, Jack the Dog, Agua Dulce, Manhood, Justice League Unlimited, Killer Movie, The Dark Knight and The Dark Knight Rises) and the patriotic powerhouse herself, Captain Liberty (Liz Vassey of Murder, She Wrote, Push, Nevada, The Adventures of Captain Zoom in Outer Space, Pursuit of Happiness, Nikki and Nora, Man of the House, Tru Calling, CSI: Crime Scene Investigation, Sexting in Suburbia and Riley Parra)

Naturally more heroes and villains appear as the series continues. Hell, we get to enjoy Ron Perlman as Fiery Blaze before he became everyone's monster hunter Hellboy. Kids in the Hall and NewsRadio own Dave Foley as a shrink/closet superhero fanboy and Missi Pyle of Two and a Half Men, Cleaners and Warehouse 13 as the girl that got away from Arthur.

My personal favorite was a Nazi war criminal/slayer of superheroes, The Terror. A geriactric genocidal madman played by Armin Shimerman of Star Trek: The Next Generation, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine and Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Who knew evil could stand at what? 5'5"? 5'6"?

Somebody IMDB that for me. Must I do everything??!!!

Now there were a fair number of complaints about the show. Mostly why the hell was it ended so abruptly. American Maid and De Fledermaus were two separate characters Fox didn't have rights to , so Captain Liberty and BatManuel were born. Some call it the Puddy Curse that Warburton has hanging over his head. My thoughts were they were too bizarre and camp for the viewers to wrap their heads around at Fox studios. Budgetary concerns were there and frankly Fox just didn't have any faith in it, leaving you wonder why gamble on it at all?

With that in mind, the series would have done better on a less mainstream channel or expanded cable in the day. Now an internet series would have picked this up and these folks would still be in outrageous costumes, biffing bad guys and channeling some 1960s Batman camp to the enjoyment of all. With that in mind, I promised myself to check into the new series and see if it cuts the mustard. I relish its response. I hope it isn't complete and utter horseradish. Okay I am running out of condiment puns.

Her hips are chafing.  Listen.