Friday, November 29, 2013

Eurozombie Week: La Horde

Hello all and welcome the last day of the Eurozombie Week and thankfully I managed to find a gem in all this muck.  Yes after a bit of research into the subject matter I can honestly say I have found a Eurohorror zombie film that is easily better than Zombie Lake and Oasis of the Zombies. I knew it was out there and all I had to do was wade hip deep in the depths of mediocrity and the movie appeared like a beacon of hope to the genre.  So strap on…your pistols.  Grab some food and booze of course and welcome to the night that knows little to no end.  This is La Horde.

Filthy Jacque won't stand for this.

Kim: This is spoiler Jimmy, we don’t have to do this…

Our movie opens with a bit of CGI drama laid ruins and a bald headed man roaming about, following up with the flashback sequence of the rest of the movie.  Yes it is a bit of a cliché film starter but it does pick up.  A crew of crooked cops plans to hit these ruthless gang bangers for blowing away one of their own.  Their badges mean nothing on this aggressive vigilante act and they full well know it.    They are not looking for the law but good old fashion street justice.  Our boys pimp slap their boys, fights of gun and fist break out in this building the bangers are holding up in.  

Man, Black Fridays are brutal!

Meanwhile outside of this building; explosions are seen and heard, sirens are screeching and insane garbled rabble is running about the streets.  You know, Black Friday in the states.  Our cops and robbers stop their reindeer games long enough to find out what is going on outside and are terrified to see the very building they are in is under siege (starring Steven Segal) a giant mob of the flesh rendering zombies.  Our collective groups have to team up to fend the zombies off long enough to find an exit from the building.    Just a reminder to those curious that this film is insanely graphic, a large grab bag of gore gags, some fast paced camera and editing so photophobics may want to bow out now.   Also these are not your Romero disarrayed zombies ambling along and stumble on a fleeing human zombie.  These suckers are adrenaline fueled, fast clip moving uber zombies that claw, tear and rend anything and everything until they get their bellies full of that sweet delicious flesh.  YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

I had a quick few highlights about the film and crew.  Our director/writer/actor Yannick Dahan pulled off his very first full-length film with impressive hand held work, dolly tracked hallways and even a few crane shots for scope.   His best friend writer/ documenter Arnaud Bordas (Maniac: Carnage culte, Our New Wave and CinemApocalypse) forged a series of vapid expressions and stale sayings with overdone concepts and still manage to produce a horrific vision of desperation, human frailty and uneasy alliances for self-preservation.    While the fullness of the impeding apocalypse was not rendered as well as I would have liked it to be, the movie does establish mass hysteria, rioting and utter chaos brought to us by this wave of undead.  

Soo...cocktails gonna happen or what?

Eurozombie Week: Oasis of the Zombies

Welcome back campers to another heaping pile of Eurozombie Week and boy this one might be an actual improvement over Zombie Lake.  That being said watching paint dry and observing how many dead bugs end up on your window sill could also be definitely more entertaining than Zombie Lake.  Our current feature also gives prominence to shambling legions of the former living Third Reich.  Apparently Eurohorror loved their Nazi zombies cause they are the only creatures you feel good twice blowing away.  So grab your hiking gear, get a guide that speaks the language and yours and head off to adventure.  This is Oasis of the Zombies.

Hmm zombies devouring or humans rutting?

Nazi zombies are de craziest spoilers!!!

Our incoherent story telling starts off in the trusty hands of Jesus Franco (AGAIN???!!!) which opens towards the end of World War II in the African desert as a battalion worth of men are hauling gold bullion across the outstretched desert for safe keeping I guess, when they are ambushed by Allied soldiers.  Riddled with bullets and left in the sands to rot, only one surviving member of that Allied snipe hunt is still alive.  50 years later Robert Blabert (Manuel Gelin of One Deadly Summer, Joy, Venus and Formula I) who blaberts to a former SS Colonel turned treasure hunter about the gold.   Colonel Meitzell (Eduardo Fajardo of Tizoc, Django, The Four Musketeers: Milady’s Revenge and The Brother from Space) rewards Blabert by having him killed and proceeds to map out the location where the treasure is hidden.  Yeah the colonel is that cold, folks it is staggering how he can tell whether he has sent a man to his death or ordered to have his shirts laundered.  

Ahh!! I twisted my ankle, fell in a prairie dog hole and fulfilled a stereotype women hate!!!

Robert’s son Captain Blabert (Javier Maiza of I Do Not Forgive…I Kill!, White Comanche,  and Diamonds of Kilimandjaro) hears word that his father had died under mysterious circumstances, realizes it must be the treasure his father spoke often of and sets out to find it himself.  For some inane reason this gathering of studying college of archeologists and their professor also know of the treasure and proceed out after it as well.  Enter our jiggly girls to the fray.  Yes ladies I know it is a less than flattering title I have given this particular archetype of female portrayal but you will find it apt.   For instance; rather than keeping quiet and skulking away from the danger, they choose to shrill at the top of their lungs and run rampantly in the wrong direction under the cover of day for night shots. 

A few critiques on the film as it was shot on 35mm Spherical via Eastmancolor and sadly the day for night shots were so bad you had a hard time making out actors, who the hell is being dubbed and what was zombie and what was human.  I found this to be lengthy, choppy, poorly executed from the writing to the miniscule budget it was given, this had no real redeeming value other than it was NOT Zombie Lake. 

Guys, I don't see the Field of Dreams anywhere.

Thursday, November 28, 2013

Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving to my readers, friends and family on this Turkey day and let's hope folks get to spend a little time with family and friends this holiday.   Suffice to say I am not a huge Black Friday fan.

Eurozombie Week: Zombie Lake

Howdy gang and welcome back to another helping of Eurozombie Week and boy oh boy it just doesn’t get more depraved than this steaming pile of celluloid.   Yes while some of the better portion of the Eurohorrors could be thought provoking, amazing in the cinematography I can honestly say there is no redeeming value from the film I am about to yammer on about.  So pack up your troubles, head into the wilderness and of course skinny dip in one of the foulest looking lakes imaginable.  This is Zombie Lake.

Peter Lorre or dying mollusk? You decide

Morane: So, you think that spoilers killed them?
The Mayor: Yes, that is what I think.

Filmed in old school 35mm Spherical (Eastmancolor) our  picturesque pile of puppy poo opens with the an attractive young girl in a tied shirt and cut offs as she strips down.  Yeah a minute and 30 and already a wide zoom of this girl in the buff so clearly we are in for a classy flick.  Also the patented 70’s soft core porn music gives it a lecherous ambiance.   One of our gruesome ghoulie Gestapo grabs the girl into the grotto.  Hehe sorry I was having literal fun. 

Zombies attempting a rendition of Swan Lake.

No sooner has one girl gone missing a girl doing laundry is nibbled to death and her bite wound looks really syrupy and our dampened undead’s makeup is washed off quite about a bit.  The lake seems to be a focal point in this small hamlet of France during World War II.  Once long ago this lake was used for witchcraft in the purest sense and the French Resistance made a final stand against the Nazis with the help of the Allied forces and a young French girl fancies a Nazi soldier…well you get the jist of that particular 4 minute scene.   On patrol the Resistance ambushes this platoon worth of men and drags their bodies to their magically imbued lake.   Why?  Who the hell could say? 

Such a painful scene...watching this girl act.

Our esteemed mayor of the town takes a knee with a reporter and gives detail of the disturbing lake’s origin and frankly I was baffled to see an official let loose these deep dark secrets.  But enough of that, let’s jump 40 years ahead as a all-girl netball team are frolicking after a long tournament and naturally being down at the swamp fetid lake they are aching to get nude and splish splash in the waters.  As we are all aware the merest sound of water skylarking and merriment attracts underwater zombies like sharks to blood.  Well ladies I would like this opportunity to apologize how misogynistic this film is.  Yes what I am about to tell you will make you ill.

Molester Nazi Zombies is something I never thought I would have put to typing but there it is.  Yes our rotten corpses are having their way with the young netball team from multiple angles, on land and underwater.   Seriously the only thing this film is lacking is Debbie Does Dallas soundtrack and penetration shots.    

The brain child creator of this sleazy concept is writer/director Jesus Franco (Dracula, Prisoner of Frankenstein, The Awful Dr. Orlof, Vampyres, Zombie 5 and Killer Barbys vs. Dracula) and director Jean Rollin (The Rape of the Vampire, The Nude Vampire, Curse of the Living Dead, The Grapes of Death, The Escapees and The Living Dead Girls)so you can imagine my utter distain for this film and lack of ANY plot.   I cannot even put a trailer to this film due to the frontal nudity that practically dominates the trailer itself.   I fortunately was not completely sober to review this tripe of film.


Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Eurozombie Week: City of the Living Dead

Twilight of the Dead, Fear in the City of the Living Dead, The Gates of Hell, Pater Thomas and City of the Living Dead

Back again you wild and wacky kids for Eurozombie Week and I feel this particular installment is a little different than the usual zombie devouring flesh spurted on the walls so it was almost refreshing in some facets.   The film of the day is considered the first installment into what people affectionately call the Gates of Hell trilogy which includes the House by the Cemetery and The Beyond.  So grab your crucifix, note the signs of evil and for crying out loud do not heavily stare at friends dying in front of you.
This is The City of the Living Dead.

Sheesh they are strict on their no credit clause!

Theresa: You don’t deserve spoiling!  You’re a comic book version of a detective, Sergeant!

In New York, a séance is underway in the study of the supernatural a young psychic Mary (Catriona MacColl of Lady Oscar, Hawk the Slayer, The Beyond, The House by the Cemetery, Squardron and The Last Days of Pompeii) has a foggy and grainy vision of a very goth looking priest hanging himself in a cemetery with a tombstone nearby warning of the transgressions of the land.  Through this knowledge she realizes this death will open the very gates of Hell itself and allow the dead to roam and rule the Earth…and then she drops dead.  Seriously, she just shrieks and drops dead.   The cops half ass around the room but don’t come up with any answers that will satisfy a log entry. 

Billy, get out of that leaf pile!

A starving reporter Peter Bell (Christopher George of El Dorado, Chisum, Man on a String, The Train Robbers, The Rat Patrol and The Exterminator) gets wind of this bizarre tale and is convinced there is a story and heads to the girl’s gravesite.  After a bit of banter with the gravediggers he is off to his car when he hears (no idea how either given the ambient street levels) Mary pounding under 5 feet of dirt and her coffin screaming for her life.  He grabs a pickaxe and damn near nails her in the face three times trying to break it open.  Getting her cleaned up her friend and Bell figure out that the psychic flash hailed from the town of Dunwich New England formally Salem…guess they also slid away from Massachusetts as well but no time for geography and back to the film.

Strange deaths occur, supernatural happenings such as: blood trickling out of the walls, glass shattering and hurling through the air and my personal favorite, a hailstorm of maggots.  One would come to the conclusion the town might be having a few problems but no, the teens want to make out and the parents want to bitch and gripe about the day.
I have seen into the eyes of the Devil...they were...violet.

Can Bell and Mary arrive to Dunwich in time to thwart the dead and bring order back before All Saints Day or will the world be shrouded in darkness to the end of days?

A few highlights of the film to be made now.  The gore factor is pretty high with the skull cap being torn off of heads and yet no one seems to put up even a desperate struggle, the walking dead folk seem to be manifestations of zombies as they seem to teleport around the town or in rooms and there was a fair amount of organs and liquids spat up with a rather realistic dummy head.  May not want the kiddies to see this one but thank goodness no nudity.

Monday, November 25, 2013

Eurozombie Week: Hell of the Living Dead

Hey there kiddies!  I bet you are hankering for what I am hankering for.  Well actually really could go for a roast beef, light on the lettuce on toasted rye with Dijon mustard so how about a bleak and depressing zombie film instead? Yes once more into the cinematic breach dear friends as we jump into the fairly warped psyche of Bruno Matte.  Who is that you may ask?  Well folks this director/writer is responsible for a lot of Italian Lackluster films, unofficial sequels and far too many Women in Prison films.   Sound fun yet?   Well strap yourselves in people it is about to get a whole lot worse.  This is Hell of the Living Dead.

Am I late for the Walking Dead audition? I wanted to meet Michonne.

Lt. Mike London: Spoilers have people in them.  We’d better go investigate.

From the bent mind of writer Claudio Fragasso (Guardian of Hell, Women’s Prison Massacre, Rats-Night of Terror, Strike Commando and Double Target) a frequent collaborator of director Bruno Matte (Guardian of Hell, Double Target, Zombi 3, Born to Fight, Cruel Jaws and Land of Death) features a story of a top secret chemical research station called  Hope Center 1.   The irony is not lost on these people as two technicians work on the chemical batter (might be Ooze from Turtles 2) when a freak accident occurs causing a massive chemical leak in the facility turning the entire staff and crew into flesh devouring zombies.   That is literally the first 8 minutes of this movie and yes we even get the cliché, “How dare we play God,” line tossed in for good measure.

Telling you Pierre, this jumpsuit is riding right up my Hardy Boys.

During the meanwhile, in a unnamed country in Europe a collection of terrorists know of the Hope Centers as a bio-weapons division the collective governments are keeping quiet and they demand they be closed down forever.  Before that can happen a scruffy four-man commando team led by Italian Ross Hagen…I mean Lt. Mike London (Jose Gras of Mad Foxes, Depravacion and Conquest), sneaks in, knives most of the terrorists then smokes the rest into chunky salsa.  Not quite a Rambo movie but dang they got pulped.
After that fine bit of slaughter our boys are flown out to New Guinea due to communication failing to receive or transmit from Hope Center 1 and of course our hapless commandos are on a need to know basis about the research center so the “terrorist act” story is all they have to go on.  

Our crew encounters a cameraman and reporter Lia Rousseau (Margit Newton of Hunter of the Apocalypse, The Final Executioner, The Adventures of Hercules II and Act of Revenge) and she has reports of villagers attacking people at random in savage behavior similar to cannibalism.  Nearly mutilated in the New Guinea jungle our team are forced to take a raft and what little munitions they have left to complete their mission and finally make their way to Hope Center 1.  Mind you at this time we have to wait for the commandos and reporter to catch up what we already know. 

Well folks what is there to say of this movie?  Decent gore gags with the zombie dispatching, the dubbing clearly got muddled in translation and yes guys there is some nudity for ya.  Most of the music had been lifted with no payment to the intelligent property owner Goblin or George Romero and most of it is straight off of Dawn of the Dead.  My recommendation for this film is an adult MST3K party and no the kids SHOULD NOT be allowed to watch it.

Porn shoot that goes horribly awry!

Eurozombie Week!!!

Howdy boys and girls and welcome to this week's insanity. As I am sure you are aware of the 50th anniversary of Doctor Who was tended to and has had many a rave and nitpick about it... but that has NOTHING to do with this week other than I am going to the theater to watch it on IMAX... Heh.  Yeah I am a nerd/geek/doofus and couldn't care a wet slap about folks having an issue with it.

That being said (or written in this case) I propose the following week excavating the impact on the known European standing with zombies.  Yes we covered a plethora of zombie flicks around the globe and by God in heaven we are now focused solely on EuroHorror's sub-genre of zombie films.   The little rotters have made their way to the UK, Spain, Italy and several regions of France.  Hey I am an underdog fan and yet I loathe zombies.  A tad ironic I admit but nevertheless I will soldier on for the sake of my readers.

Victims of World War Z screenings...poor bastards.

So join with me as we embark on a quest for more ghoulies, rotten corpses and a few competent directors along the way.  Remember the undead make no noise...well except the shuffling, dragging of a broken limb and that weird eerie moan that is emitted before they attack.  Okay so they make noise but only when they are really nearby.

Saturday, November 23, 2013

Rotten Reelz Ramblings (the link works finally)

It is happening ladies and gents!!!  Brought to you by your favorite wisecracking web man (No not Spidey!!) Along with my co-hosts the podcast you have been waiting for is getting underway!  We will kick this metaphorical pig as soon as we have the equipment and software to get started.

How does this happen?  Well the nice folks at have it all set up to hit our campaign mark!  Along with bringing more entertainment to the masses we plan to inform the Omaha area and give the props to various communities and commerce if wanted.   We will ask around.
Photo brought to you by Janine Addison Photography.

Friday, November 22, 2013

Atomic Monsters Week: The Beginning of the End

Howdy folks and welcome back to the last day of Atomic Monsters Week.  Sorry for yesterday’s absence, it was a health issue and that all need be said about that.  This time around atomic radiation has struck the insect kingdom again but alas there will be nowhere near as cool effects of “Them!”, and we are stuck with postcards representing buildings and lots of super imposed creatures so grab you Thompson submachine gun, bring extra mags and remember to fire in short, controlled bursts.  This is The Beginning of the End.

Psst buddy, know where I can get some weed?

Gen. John T. Short: Dr. Wainright, you’re a spoiler, you know what grasshoppers can do.  I’m a soldier; I know what guns can do.

Okay folks before we get in too deep with the film I must submit the following warning: This is a Burt I. Gordon movie.  This means lots and lots of padding throughout the film.  There is more padding than a bullet bra.  So following Roger Corman’s law of no frame will be allowed to hit the cutting floor means it will drag on…and on…and some more.    That being said it is very unintentionally funny.

Photojournalist Audrey Aimes (Peggy Castle of Invasion U.S.A., Miracle in the Rain, Lawman and Back from the Dead) discovers a military roadblock to the town of Ludlum Illinois and to what purpose she doesn’t know.  Sensing a scoop in the works she speaks to the National Guard Commander, Colonel Tom Sturgeon (Thomas Browne Henry of Earth vs. the Flying Saucers, 20 Million Miles to Earth and The Brain from Planet Arous) who feeds he a line of abaloney (fish joke) and then cops to saying off the record they are investigating the town and its lack of a population overnight.

Alright men! I found Mr. Graves' contact lens.

Searching for any clue to why this town of 150 people disappeared and that the grass and farmland have been stripped bare she heads to a nearby US Department of Agriculture farm to get any insight to what creature or creatures would make such a mess and in such a short span of time.  She meets up with Dr. Ed. Wainwright (Peter Graves of Mission: Impossible, It Conquered the World, Fury, Night of the Hunter and Airplane!) a sauve, tall drink of water that has been using radiation to grow enormous fruits and vegetables as a template to ending world hunger.  Aimes persuades Wainwright and his assistant Frank (a deaf mute who didn’t ask his agent to give him a decent speaking role) to stop their fiddling with atomic veggie salad and help her figure out this mystery.  No sooner are they hot on the trail, Frank is scissored in half by a giant grasshopper mistaking Frank for a blade of grass.  Well we are lead to believe that because it is an off-screen death but still Aimes and Wainwright go for immediate help from the National Guard and a platoon head out to search for Wainwright’s bug.

Skeptical they make their way into the woods to be ambushed by dozens of grasshoppers using Rommel’s surprise outflanking maneuver…okay they leapt out in mass numbers to eat people.  You’re taking all the fun out of my writing.  The super imposing is laughable, the reactions are way over the top and Graves looks good in a shirt, tie and a Tommy gun spraying.  It is a gem of foolishness and enjoyable for its blatant lack of science.


Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Atomic Monsters Week: Godzilla Raids Again

Back again my fine collection of fanatical readers and behold Day 3 of Atomic Monsters Week.  This time around we look at the lesser sequel of the original Gojira or Godzilla for the crass American Yankee Pig Dogs.  Sadly director Ishiro Honda (Gojira, Mothra VS Godzilla and King Kong VS Godzilla) will not be helming this particular film and in his stead is newcomer to this genre director Motoyoshi Oda (Yurei otoko a.k.a. Ghost Man, Tomei ningen a.k.a. Invisible Avenger and A Will o’ the Wisp) and yet every production member of the original including composition and special effects were on board for this continuation.  So grab your best rain coat, head for the shelters and pause and point at the behemoths.  This is Godzilla Raids Again.

Hey, do I have anything in my teeth?

Shoichi Tsukioka: Spoiler… we beat Godzilla for you.

A scant six months after the original, Toho Company was chomping at the bit to get the next installment out to the screens and Honda was not on board when commenting how grueling the first film was and that their deadline would simply not do.  Toho didn’t hand him his walking papers and understood but had to get the product out and on the screens. 

Our story occurs shortly after the first as two pilots Tsukioka and Kobayashi (he has a Starfleet scenario named after him) land on a remote island in the Pacific looking for mass tuna fleets for a cannery company in Osaka.  What they witness is two immense beasts duking it out and flogging one another.   Tsukioka recognizes one of the creatures as Godzilla.  Moments after that realization the monsters tumble off a cliff and right into the ocean.  Our pilots immediately report their findings to Osaka and are scooped up by the military and their scientific team as the other creature is simply known as Anguirus for how he resembles an Ankylosaurus.  A scientist hypothesized that both Godzilla and Anguirus have existed from many millions of years ago and further note that the atomic tests may have stirred them from their ancient slumber as well as imbue them fantastic powers.  Thankfully these cats didn’t read from the Necronomicon or we would have an even bigger problem.   Moving right along, Dr. Yamane comments on his late colleague destroying the first Godzilla with his imploding bomb the Oxygen Destroyer but that he had passed on and destroyed his formula. 

So ya wanna rumble, eh?

From that realm of thought it would be feasible to distract blinding flares as he believes it was the atomic bombs’ flash that stirred and disturbed him in the first place.   The creature is warded off only to be drug back to shore when a substantial gasoline fire goes off.  Both Godzilla and Anguirus seem to be drawn to devastation. Our two fearless pilots with the Air Forces blessing hatch an audacious plan to sink Godzilla into the frozen depths beyond Osaka.  Apparently if you can fly a twin prop you are allowed your own ID4 moment. 

I had just a few comments on the film.  While the story wasn’t brilliant or remotely original; the quality of the film meets the same as its predecessor in that the effects were bang on, the composer is Masaru Sato of the Kurosawa films and it sounds far too good for the action or lack of action on the screen.  At best I give this a C Minus for effort and execution.  Better luck next time!

Oh jeez, Miley is at it again. That girl cannot be tamed!

Atomic Monsters Week: Them!

Hiya boys and girls! Welcome back to Day 2 of Atomic Monsters Week.  Say, what is better than a giant pissed off irradiated monster trashing the land?   Well what would you say to several irradiated monsters roaming all over New Mexico and scissoring people entwine?  Other than ouch of course being the key factor.   So grab your noble scientist, a disgruntled career military man and of course the hapless and helpless female.  This is Them!

Bah! I laugh at RAID!

Dr. Harold Medford: Get the spoiler! Get the antennae!

From the vast depths of screenplay writer Ted Sherdman (The Eddie Cantor Story, Hell to Eternity, The Big Show, Misty, Wagon Train, Hazel and Latitude Zero) come an atomic age terror lurking in the New Mexico Alamogordo area as two state police trooper Ben Peterson (James Whitmore of The Last Frontier, Crime in the Streets, The Deep Six, Face of Fire, The Law and Mr. Jones and The Shawshank Redemption) and Ed Blackburn find a little girl in the desert walking slowly and eyes so warped they can only guess what hell she could have seen.  Following her little footprints back to a mobile home that looks like a giant can opener or the Jaws of Life had gone all Willy nilly to it.   They find it registers to an FBI agent named Ellinson who was vacationing with his wife and two children.  No one is to be found and the child reacts to a strange sound that seems to almost echo on the winds.

Ted, you fart in the car one more time I am burying you in the desert!

More deaths and disappearances happen and our steadfast troopers investigate the remains of a general store with a dead store owner, his money still in the register and barrels of sugar smashed to pieces.  Peterson goes to check in on the girl in the squad car and head out to file a report while Blackburn does a sweep of the area. 
Peterson makes a cast of an odd footprint at the scene and heads back to office with the little girl and evidence in tow while Blackburn investigated noises and well…we all know how well that will go.  Peterson’s captain points out what happen to the general store owner that his gun before the bending must have emptied multiple rounds at his assailant before he got his neck and back broken, a fractured skull, crushed ribcage and enough formic acid in his blood stream to kill 25 men.  

The FBI unable to identify the footprint sends field agent Robert Graham (James Arness of The Thing from Another World, Hondo, Hellgate and Gunsmoke) along with expert entomologists Dr. Harold Medford and Dr. Pat Medford.  Harold is terrified at his theory but vouches for a brisk search around the premises of the mobile home when the lawmen and doctors come in contact with a eight foot long ant. 
Our law dogs empty their .38s at them like the last reel of Gunfight at O.K. Corral to no effect when Dr. Medford tells them to shoot their antennae thus blinding the creature and Peterson dumps a sub-machine gun in the creatures face.  

Medford is horrified to confirm his theory that this ant originated at Alamogordo’s first atomic bomb test site.  Can they do anything to stop these twisted lives that man has created whilst playing God or are they doomed to be lowered on the food chain?
Oh go watch the film it was thoroughly enjoyable.

Sure could use this for speeders!!!


Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Atomic Monsters Week: Godzilla, King of the Monsters!

Welcome ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls to the first day of Atomic Monsters Week.  To start us off right we must go to the King of the Atomic Monsters himself. The massive 164 foot tall and weighing in at 350 cubic tons!!!  I give you Gojira!!!!    So evacuate the beaches, close off air traffic and all bridges.  This is Godzilla, King of the Monsters!

So a Buddhist, a Daoist and a monk are..lemme check my Maxim again.

Dr. Serizawa: Ogata, humans are weak animals. Even if I burn my notes, the spoiler will still be in my head. Until I die, how can I be sure I won’t be forced by someone to make the device again?

Near the Odo Island, a fishing boat is attacked by a huge ball of fire.  Another ship is sent to investigate and offer aid only to be the same end with a handful of the crew surviving.  Meanwhile on the island, the village elder blames their lack of fishing crop to a sea beast known only as Gojira (Godzilla to you gajin) and tells tales of earlier times about native girls that were sacrificed to appease Godzilla and allow the village to live in peace.  Sketchy reports come following in for the Japanese Navy and news investigators make their way to the island via helicopter.  After many interviews the natives perform an ancient warding ceremony to keep the monstrous beast at by.   Not really knowing if it worked the whole village just sacks out.  Not even a single lookout for this.  The islanders are woken from sleep from a large storm crashing down against the rocks and the township as a young lad sees Godzilla bob bob bobbing along in the water.

I likes the night life! I wants to boogie!!

Terrified at the mainland the city of Tokyo is in ruin as Godzilla makes his way during the night and proceeds to stomp and burn his way through the city and heads back to the bay.  The military in a desperate attempt to hold off the gigantic beastie constructs a fence of electric towers holding a current of 50,000 volts to zap Godzilla where he to appear again.  Civilians are completely evacuated from the area and put in shelters.   Sure enough night fell and our boy is out and about, trashes the electric border and burns it down with his atomic fire breath (and super robot rocket punch OoOoo).  Total bombardment of tank fire and fighter jets annoyed Godzilla and caused him to leave.
Tokyo is in utter chaos with hospitals swamped with patients mostly from severe radiation poisoning, it was thought that the atomic weapons testing the Americans performed may have irritated this ancient dinosaur like creature making him this unnatural force of destruction.

In what seems like a futile attempt to destroy the monster; scientist Dr. Serizawa must make the conscious decision to use an imploding bomb on Godzilla causing all the immediate oxygen atoms to dissipate and make Godzilla asphyxiate to his death. 

I have just a few quick facts about the film now.  The inspiration of the movie was based on the hydrogen bomb tests at Bikini Atoll when a fishing ship the Lucky Dragon 5 got swept by a nuclear test yielding 15 megatons rather than the estimated 6.  The blast caused the military assigned, the villagers nearby and several of the Lucky Dragon 5 crew members to be sicken with radiation poisoning and causing death to more than a few.  It also issued the concerns of nuclear fallout and the contamination in the food supply of fish.   In 1956 the TransWorld Releasing Corp released an edited version of the movie for the US titled Godzilla, King of the Monsters!  This version had additional footage of Raymond Burr (Perry Mason, Bride of the Gorilla, Rear Window, Please Murder Me, Count Three and Pray, Ironside and Godzilla 1985) added and spliced into the original.  I did snicker when his character was named Steve Martin.

Scale model away!!!

Monday, November 18, 2013

Atomic Monsters Week!

Howdy gang! This week I thought we would take a look at poor men sweating profusely in rubber suits, flailing at one another over miniature cities and buildings and trashing the landscape.  Furthermore I thought we would tap into the atomic mutation monsters as well and simply call it Atomic Monsters Week.  Catchy I know but so is the flu.

Just crashing town, folks!

This phenomenon of large creatures starts in the 1950's as it is a source of terror and concern of what the atomic stockpiles and reactors may have effect on the environment and as Science Fiction seems to have a leg up in political and social commentary the Americans and the Japanese have brought us a myriad of entertaining films and some out and out B-Movie stinkers.  So grab that dull machete and let's start hacking our way through the titles.  Should be entertaining, educational and a tad goofy.  Y'know, a normal write up.

Friday, November 15, 2013

PC Games of 1997: Diablo

Welcome back boys and girls for Day 5 of PC Games of 1997 and I had to save the greatest time waster of them all.  The penultimate of dates broken, ladies unloved and meals missed.  From a company’s humble beginnings as Silicon & Synapse (sounds like a firm specializing in breast and brain augmentation)the years of Battle Chess and Castles  to the company we better known as Blizzard Entertainment, Inc.  Creators of such games as: Warcraft, Warcraft II, Starcraft, The Death and Return of Superman and Justice League Task Force came a hack and slash adventure game to the likes we had not seen with graphics and excellent voice work.  So grab your mana and health bottles, sharpen your broadsword and prepare to do battle with those denizens of Hell.   This is Diablo.

Um... there is a plot device scrolling over our heads.

Uldyssian: Damn you!
Lucion: Thank you, I already am. Shall we go spoil?

In the world of Sanctuary, beneath the town of Tristam lurks Diablo, the Lord of Terror. Eons ago the war between Heaven and Hell raged on. Angels and demons slew one another by the hundreds until the demons were exiled to the mortal realm.  Three terrible Lords of Hell sought victory over mankind through temptation and influencing their decisions, sowing the seeds of distrust and hatred amongst the humans of Sanctuary until a gathering of mages trapped the lords in soulstones.  Diablo’s soulstone was buried deep under the ground in the land that would be known as Tristam a large monastery built over the wretched soulstone to guard and keep the stone from ever seeing light.

Screw doing good.  I'm gonna loot!!

Many generations later the monastery sat in ruin and Tristam was raised up over the ruins and the monastery was leveled for a cathedral.   It would have been nice of the ancestors to leave any notes, scrolls or etchings on the importance of the monastery.   Slowly Diablo gains power over the town and proceeds to warp the good king Leoric and creates terrible wars all the while filling the caverns and catacombs underneath the former monastery with horrible, formidable creates to guard Diablo while he regains his power.
With no king, law or even an army to defend this once happy and prosperous town many of the villagers up and left this township of terror. 

The standard classes of adventurers are pretty limited to Rogue, Warrior and Sorcerer.  Each powerful in their own right but require improvement throughout the leveling.   All items give off a certain color scheme glow to establish how they can be used and by whom.  The colors are white for the normal items, blue for the magic items and gold for the unique items.   They also show how durable each item is and how they can all wear down from too much use and the weapons show all the pros and cons of each melee, blunt and range weapon.  

While this RPG hack and slash is primarily a single-player game it was set up for a LAN (local area network) Multi-player of up to a whopping 4 players and had its drawbacks.  For example: Kill parties laying in wait for that poor noob that greets fellow players so they may kill him/her and strip the body of its belongings.   Also the Cheat Engine (a game editing program) was commonly used to overamp one’s character to make him/her an impossible level and have a wide array of weapons for the sole purpose of killing off fellow gamers, I.E. game killer or jerk off.

While slaying the undead, various monsters and demons is a boon and the story was sound I am certain many friends and families were worried to the gamer that was camped at his/her computer for hours at a time but then again it was not EverQuest (The Silent Killer).

Ahh glad I went without breeches in Hell.

Help Jen Lawson

Hey folks this is a little different than normal blogs.  I know you are waiting for some bombastic snark on a crappy film, TV show or video game but this time around I would ask my readers if they could help out a good person and her family.  On October 29th my friend Jen Lawson and her family had a house fire in their basement.  While they made it out safely their home was severely structurally damaged not to mention the water damage from the hoses.

Again I am not asking you to pour in your life savings. Just some donations of $10 or $20 dollars would make a difference and help out a good Christian in her time of need.

Thank you for your time on this, gang and let's help out a good person and her loved ones.

Love ya Jen.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

PC Games of 1997 : Dungeon Keeper

Hey there geeks and geekettes and welcome back to Day 4 of PC Games of 1997.  It was high time we jump into a game that deals with unspeakable evil against the forces of good but with a twist.  How about this time around you be the nefarious monster and your mission is to create utter damnation on a realm, dispatch the goody two shoes heroes at your moat and rein in absolute tyranny. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  *ahem* In conclusion to that maniacal laughter, this is Dungeon Keeper.

Dungeon Narrator: The spoiler is at your front gate!

Have at thee, base villain!!

After completing the titles of Syndicate Wars (the real-time tactics or strategy game with single player and multi-player co-operative dealing organized crime under corporate sponsorship) and Genewars (Real-time strategy single player with terrain alteration and cross-species animal and plant breeding camps for warfare) Bullfrog Productions pulled out another gem of mass destruction for love lives, sleeping disorders and poor diets.  You know; the really fun game you cannot walk away from in under 4 hours.

Next target of opportunity.

Imagine you are the despicable monster that is only spoken in hushed tones. You are also a creature of ambition and conquest so with each new realm you build your lair of torture and torment and slay the hero or heroes of the realm thus ensuring your place in this new order.  This game is a real-time strategy/god game.  You are represented as this green, scaly hand with blacken nails.  You release your minions to dig tunnels, build walls and fortify your defenses.  If you feel they are not moving to the pace you would prefer them at, slap one or chuck him across the room if you like.  Remember this is your house and your rules so you dark will must be served.  Personally I pummel one to death as a lesson to the others.  Works pretty well in my humble opinion but hey that could just be me.

Your mentor (Richard Ridings of Highlander, Common As Muck, Silver, Quake III: Arena, Dungeon Keeper 2 and This Is Personal: The Hunt for the Yorkshire Ripper) not only guides you in your insidious creations but also narrates about each realm and I positively love the utter distain he has for each township and the fond hopes he has for your smiting it and thus making it your own.

As the levels continue newer creatures, implements of destruction and damnation are to be made ready for your party crashers here to spoil on your delightful fun.  

You create lairs for your monsters, food for them, a library for your warlocks, a training room for your warriors and a torture dungeon for your inquisitors.   Everyone has a pretty decent work ethic but not unlike the Sims, you must keep a watchful eye on these lackeys or they will get bored and turn on each other.  With some it is just natural enemies like Flies and Spiders but creatures such as Warlocks have a seething hatred for Vampires.  Skeletons and Bile Demons lack kinship and are most unfriendly towards one another so the goals of the game are very simple.  Dispatch the heroes and the competition of evil for your realms and leave few to tell the tale.

Minion, your coffee break is...OVER.

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Blog#330!!! PC Games of 1997: Blade Runner

Welcome back my collective of nerd to Day 3 of PC Games of 1997.  Journey with me to Westwood Studios, creators of such games as: Battle Tech: The Crescent Hawk’s Inception, Mars Saga, Dungeons & Dragons: Warriors of the Eternal Sun, Young Merlin and Monopoly
As these titles captured the imagination they still lacked graphics punch up or an amazing voice cast all the while still dealing with popular themes.   This time they decided to tap into one of Ridley Scott’s films but not retell the story but have the game operate as more of an additional story during same time.   So get ready to do some interrogation, calibrate the Voight-Kampff machine and get ready to make wild gestures.  This is Blade Runner.

I wish to register a complaint about your Norwegian Blue.

Clovis: “I was angry with my spoiler. I told my wrath, my wraith did end. I was angry with my foe. I told my wraith, my wrath did grow.”

Our game opens with a typical cut scene showing our would be villains tormenting a pet shop owner claiming all his animals are pure pedigrees of the highest quality and the suspects felt that butchering these creatures would teach him a good lesson in being truthful.  Enter our hero/protagonist Ray McCoy (Mark Benninghoffen of The Larry Sanders Show, Chicago Hope, Always Say Goodbey and Money Talks) Rookie Blade Runner assigned to the case due to all other Runners are tending more difficult cases.  Ray is happy to be doing something other than paperwork for a change, his Lieutenant Guzza (Jeff Garlin of Hero, Robocop 3, Curb Your Enthusiasm and The Goldbergs) a blobby and lazy man whose shirt and tie looks like a casualty in a catering food fight gives him the heads up that he is facing Nexus 6 Replicants (bioengineered droids who resemble humans) the usual watch your ass rookie speech and shoos him away.  Ray has never faced a Nexus 6 and is nervous as hell.

My God I can see gravy stains in his neck folds!

If you were hoping for some Deckard action team-up buddy cop drama…well you are out of luck kids.  Sadly our Rick Deckard is referred in passing or and there are a few gags of the same crime scenes duplicated from the film but no glorious team-up.  On the upside several members of the original cast came in to reprise their roles. 

And now a few points to be made about the game play.   This is a point and click adventure game so think the Monkey Island standings.  From solving puzzles, clues and getting people come clean with the info.  We even have a few interrogations with the Voight-Kampff device to gauge emotional reactions that Replicants cannot fully duplicate.  The gathering of evidence is using your eyes and the mouse for an interactive system known as the Knowledge Integration Assistant for easy access and allowing you to go over the Crime Scene photos to look for further clues that may have been missed or hidden away from you.

The overall look of this game fits the same crowd and dystrophic environment of Los Angeles 2019 down to the Tyrell building from the movie to the look of Chinatown and the 3D models is based in an amount of pixels with width, height and depth rather than a scanned copy of background, green or blue screen and rougher pixelation.

Alright subway rat, spread 'em!