Morbid Stories

And I'm back my Rotten Readers! Readers of Rotten? Gotta word shop this or fans could give us a better tag. Okay today I have been asked by writer/director/actor Phil Herman (Jacker, Jacker 2, Burglar from Hell, Tales for the Midnight Hour, HorrorTales.666, After Midnight, Into the Woods, Sickened, Tales Till the End, Hell on Earth: Arena of Death and Tales for the Midnight Hour II) invited me to see a five part anthology Horror film. This is Morbid Stories.

Patene: Fight the apocalypse with great hair.

Brought to us by Avail Entertainment, we open with some wide shot of a town resembling New Mexico. Looks like drone shooting, a bit smoother than helicopter is. Some static ridden reports over the radio seems to be pointing catastrophe in the making. A young woman, Candy (Courtney Akbar of Frontlines, NCIS, Parks and Recreation, Smoke Filled Lungs, Astro and Paradise Apartments) is enjoying a warm, sunny day with her Pomeranians. Hey I am a little irked these dogs probably get a better breakfast than I do. Candy now minus her boyfriend is moving out shortly but the house itself seems to have gotten sinister. With electrics and gas seemingly turned off, a car radio announcement confirms something is awry and danger is on the rise.

Witness an apocalyptic end of the world and Candy just finished her last car payment.

Fade to black wipe and a title card telling us New York 15 hours prior. Cut to night shot as we see an injured man with a bite in his throat where he clearly bled out and is doing some tell tale zombie shuffling. Time for some patented Tallahassee Zombieland door smacks. Of course the guy could have had a rabid squirrel bite him and he twisted his ankle. From a Satanist POV, he's destined to be worm food.

Dammit, Kool-Aid man is drunk again.

Over to a snoozing couple as the hours of the night tick tock away. Love that the ill-fated Carnival of Souls is playing on their flat screen in the bedroom. With rapping at their house's windows, the Singers Helen (Crystal Loverro of Guardian Devil, Success, Morbid Stories and Scars of Ancient Futures) and Jamie (Shane Smith of Morbid Stories) grab a deterrent (ballbat) and go investigate the mystery of who the hell is knocking at the door at this hour. A refugee from a 90s metal band?

Who is this long haired stranger (Tim O' Hearn of Dry Bones, The Legend of Six Fingers, Killer Rack, The Dummy 2, Death House, Blood Prism and Johnny Gruesome) decked out all in black complete with leather trenchcoat? He claims he and several of his friends were in an accident up the road and need to use the phone for fire and emergency to come to their aid. Jamie reluctant but eventually gives in to assist. He seems weirded out by these folk and who can blame him? They demand to be invited in. Things aren't what they appear to be and Jamie is still considerate enough to let them in the house. Now being paranoid as I am, I think that jug of holy water and my crucifix would been out about that time or at the very least a shotgun leveled at taking a head off.

In a word, badass. Helen is hell on wheels. Considering her newfound enemies are Nosferatu or Nesuferitu if you prefer.

Now unlike typical anthologies, this is edited a bit differently. It would appear Candy's story is the main one and the others are happening as the day and night progresses. I saw something simple with Tales from the Darkside and Two Evil Eyes.

NOM NOM NOM!!!

24 hours prior in California: a Japanese family are simply being a family. The kids are playing in the dirt and gravel and eldest sister Mallory (Ashley Mei of I Am a Knife with Legs, Tango Europa, Astro, Morbid Stories and Clown Fear) has her hands full with sisters Olivia (Emma Koiso of Clown Fear and Morbid Stories), Ava (Kelly Koiso of Clown Fear and Morbid Stories), Aiden (Lucas Koiso of Morbid Stories) and Jayden (Marcus Koiso of Morbid Stories).

Obsessed with the selfies, vlogging and her friends, she isn't bad at the babysitting but she could be better. Pizza ordered instead of making them a meal? Deducting points already. Friends James (Austyn Reale of Morbid Stories) and Lola (Jocelyne Daugherty of Morbide Stories) are frittering away their afternoon with an Oujia board to contact spirits. Because that never goes wrong in a horror movie...ever. James has attitude and is crashing at a buddy's house. Angsty teen boy issues. Probably body hair, his voice cracking and various body odors no doubt. Oh and he's sweet on Mallory. That much is obvious. Due to the negative vibes given out, an entity proceeds to raise a little Hell for our younglings. Something gets into Lola so you better lop off more than her wrist or maybe an exorcist. You got that on speed dial right, Mallory?

Candy is a responsible doggy mom as she is loading them up with little sips of water. Y'know instead of a big bowl of it, spilling all over the back of the car and making a mess. Exposition radio station is warning her of incoming zombies? Very Zombi 3. Without Radio DJ Fresh Zombi kicking the airwaves with some 70s funk of course.

Meanwhile in Delaware, a published novelist/teacher is correcting writing errors on his works. Yeah just truckloads of run-on sentences and those dreaded dangling participles. The Horror of it all!!! Improper grammar aside, Robert Zirn (Will Devokees of Macabre Medicine, Agent Emes 8: Agent Emes and the Shavous Trial, The League of Science, The Perils of Posting and Morbid Stories) has the expression of a man burned out. Trying to bash his new novel out, the house he's staying at doesn't promote the warmest atmosphere. Hell it's just missing a cannibalistic family with a homemade human chili fetish and I can see it getting great YELP reviews.

Being isolated from everything and anything, Robert is trying to make the new book work, if his paranoia or random creepy sounds would stop happening. His assistant assures him this was the best place for him because there isn't anything else available 50 miles in any direction. Here's hoping he doesn't find a book bound in human flesh and inked in human blood. After all, such a book was never meant for the land of the living. The pitter patter of feet on the roof is disturbing. Caretaker Don (Ryan W. Phillips of Macabre Medicine and Morbid Stories) drops by to hear Zirn kinda whine and bitch. This guy's helping you out, dude. Little more gratitude, man. That being said, Don may need a good smack. No cable no beer makes Zirn something something.

The house has been making odd noises during a thunderstorm. Could be the wind or a mess of Chupacabras. Who can say? 

 Don gives a cryptic warning to not go in the attic. My first thought? Mom's chained and gagged up in that attic. Fate is playing silly buggers with Zirn and clearly he has had a few things on his mind. Nightmares are hounding him or are they nightmares? Again foot steps sounding like it's coming from the attic. Scooby gang of one decides he's gonna see what is a-goin' on there.

Reports of zombies and vampires roaming about. Lock your doors, bolt your windows and pray to your deity of choice.

Cut to arty pale goth girl attempting a rare steak and well it didn't go down well or even at all. Instead of food, she simply has an injection of dubious fluid or liquid. Guess she has a taste for the crimson stuff in our veins. Methinks she is a fledgling to go all Radu there. Armageddon is well into swing as more vampire and zombies seem to be attacking one another. Just a vampire girl living or nonliving in this lonely world. I loved the incidental humor, excellent camera work and the credited acting. This felt like a bizarre rom com.

Is Candy crushing the apocalypse? Will Angel get his soul? How many more pop culture references can I do?

Just in time for Halloween, our movie has been released already to Amazon as of October 22^nd. What we have is five talented stories being told injunction with the main story. The world as we know is gone and these are the final tales to be told. Another example of indie directors managing a good, solid story on a minor budget. Just seeing this you want to give them a huge budget and watch for the wonder to unfold. 

OMG! the apocalypse took my bars!

The Horrible Sexy Vampire

Greetings and hello Rotten Readers! Readers of Rotten?? I'm word shopping here. Bear with me.

After the last abysmal ,jiggly vampire fest; I just know I am going to have a similar round of disappointment with today's movie. How do I come to this conclusion? Well this is an all Spanish cast and crew, filmed in Germany and English (poorly dubbed) is the third language. 

 Guaranteeing me this shan't be a tooter and a titter. This is The Horrible Sexy Vampire.a.k.a. The Vampire of the Highway and Der Vampir von Schloss Frankenstein.

Tee hee!

Well an alternative title film. Yeah, those never end up as a flaming dumpster fire.

Our story begins a ride down the motorway with a jaunty whistled tune. Young couple stop at the first available tavern/inn for some much needed rest. In a room where the beds were made for garden gnomes. Seriously these beds are so tiny, stuffed animals would have complained.

A minute and forty and already the woman is down to bra and panties. You just reek of classy, Movie. While Arthur checks on an open window and draws Marie a bath. Nudity clause fulfilled.

I'm not even kidding. 2 minutes in and boom. So yuuuuup there be titties in the flick. The hint could have been in the title. Arthur hits the shower and then goes into a mime act leaving us to believe he is being strangled? Was the Invisible Man in the shower? Marie becomes curious to why Arthur is so quiet, finding him dead in the tub and she screams at something off camera. Cue opening credits! She may want to contact those guys with the unlicensed nuclear accelerators on their backs.

And when do you feel these erotic notions of vampires?

Cut to the Commissioner (Barta Barri of Horror Express, Dr. Jekyll vs The Werewolf, Treasure Island The Black Wolf, Revenge of the Black Wolf and Monster Dog) and no we don't know his name but he is clearly dubbed via English by none other than Edward Mannix. Those dulcet tones makes me name him Commissioner Mannix for the time being to the morgue looking at either cigar burns or giant hickies on both victims. The doctor invites said Commissioner around to his place for a drink and he will share his "findings". Ooooh my!   Not even the ten minute mark and I can already feel the numbing effect of a slow plot and series of subplots at the ready. Thankfully titty will plug all those pesky plotholes, right fellas? Meh.

Doctor Yammersalot (not actual name but he does yammer...a lot.) proceeds to inform Commissioner Mannix about the murders are far too similar to a series of murders that remained unsolved in this area and his family is both ancient and practice medicine. So over port and cigars, he pitches a vampire theory as his family's historical accounts that happened in the land have laid out the deaths in that time period are identical to the ones they just found.  A 28 year occurrence within a 7 day period a murder happens.  Precisely 28 years separate these murders.

It Takes Two...to Murder.

With Count Oblensky (Wal Davis of A Virgin Among the Living Dead, La hiena, Yuka, El pez de los ojos de oro, Les gloutonnes and Cipolla Colt), living heir to the Winninger Estate which includes an ancestral castle filled with darkness and rumors of an ancient tale of unsolved murders in the area and surrounding lands. Well, that was fun. Pack it up, kiddies. We're leaving. Oh crap. It's only been 25 minutes. Grrr. After some research our young count comes to the conclusion that these murders are all possibly linked to the former Baron who resided in the castle at the time. Dinking around in the cellar/dungeons, he encounters a coffin with oddly enough, the very Baron his notes warned him about.

Chief of Police (Luis Induni of The Rape of the Sabine Women, Fall of the Mohicans, That Man in Instanbul and Transplant of a Brain) is chastising Commissioner Mannix and I will have none of that, dammit.

The evening shots were cracking me up. Not because it was a day for night filter, because that had excellent night lighting. No it was the public domain jungle noises they were using as background. Jungle noises....in the mountains of Germany. Yup that checks out fine. Also it sound like the foley arts guy is walking around a trail of shredded wheat with all this crunching.

OKAY! SPOILERS!!

Yeah I know I don't do this often any more but let's be honest, none of you are going to flock to your used bookstores, pawn shops or Wal-Mart to hope and pray you get a copy of this.

First off, no vampirism. To expand on this I mean no blood spilled, let or drained. Our vampire strangles people to death. Then we have an off-screen draining and a big ass hicky on the neck.

Secondly, our vampire has learned the mystic arts of invisiblity so it looks like a piss poor mime act gone horribly awry.

Third, yes there is titty. Now I know I covered that anyway but just making sure everyone was reading this.

Baron Throttles or Winninger if you prefer, is both a masochist and a sadist as he taunts the young count into staking him or the Baron cannot be held accountable for his actions. The actions he is doing of his own free will. HUH?! 

Why does Doctor Yammersalot's entire family history jot down murders for the last 300 plus years? Who is that morbid and/or bored?   How do you vampire if you never drink blood?  Who put the ram in the rama-lam-ding-dong?

So yes this was long, dull and no vampire action to be had. We have so many plot holes, it's like dodging turds on the grounds of a dog park. Eventually you'll step in one and deal with the hassle of clean up. I have developed a new term. I call it: Bore Porn. No plot, poor character evolution, story lag but there's titty. BORE PORN!

If you have an unruly teen you need to get back in line, force this movie on them. If you now hate your best friend, subject them to this film. If the local church won't stop harassing you, force this movie on them.

Right, flashlight wards Mole People, cross for vampires.

The Vampire Happening

Back again. Today I am not looking towards sequels. Unbeknownst to you all, I purchased a 20 film pack of night stalkers. The Vampire. Yup I am diving into and seeing if this pack of flicks was worth the three dollars I spent on it. Even at 3 bucks I think I am still getting screwed. There are more than a few titles I recognize but this day's film gave the briefest of synopsis and looked a trifle bizarre. So here's hoping it isn't some foreign hardcore pornography...again.

This is The Vampire Happening a.k.a. Transylvania 1971

Really stretching my lower back, so thanks.

Directed in 1965 and released in 1971, this 6 year in the making West Germany film hails as a comedy and horror movie so that could be a good thing. With the tagline: The Adult Vampire Sex Comedy, I'm expecting penetration shots and prat falls.

At the helm is English cinematographer and director Freddie Francis (The Evil of Frankenstein, Traitor's Gate, The Psychopath, The Deadly Bees, They Came from Beyond Space, Dracula Has Risen from the Grave and The Creeping Flesh) and for those of you that are Mystery Science Theater 3000 fans, you will know The Deadly Bees uttered the line," Have you seen the dog's meat?" Interpret that however you see fit. 6 years to get off the ground you know it's gold or garbage.

Our movie opens on an airplane playing what looks to be a softcore porno. Yes there are kids on that flight so the weird shit-o-meter is banking to the right. Well okay the covers are over the actors and yes it does appear to not be flashing nudity so what do I know.

Attending this flight/strokefest is actress Bettie Williams (Pia Degermark of Elvira Madigan, The Looking Glass War, A Brief Season and The Vampire Happening) who by the strangest of circumstances (or crappy writing trope) has inherited a castle in Transylvania. As she is a direct descendant for the Baroness Catali who she shares a striking resemblance as well.   Ze German has landed!!

After a quick autograph we are treated to stop animation and opening credits with a Hammer Films worthy instrumental and orchestral number. Stop trying to gussy the flick up. Papa ain't buyin'.

Hold me closer, tiny caretaker.

As our protagonist drives to the castle, Nature keeps dropping roadblocks behind her like a boulder or a fallen tree.  COMEDY!  As this has a legendary Hammer Films director, maybe it will be a bit darker. However, our young impressionable American actress finds not everything in and out of the castle is as it appears. The castle's caretaker I guess is what is best to call him freaks the hell out as it would revealed that Betty is the spitting image of her great great grandmother Countess Clarimonde Catani and legends revile her as the most feared vampire of all.

As luck or a carefully placed written trope would have it; a monastery and all-girls school is conveniently next to the castle. Hedonistic vampire dream come true, right? A virulent vampire virus (I was just having fun with literation) begins to sweep the land. One of the derpy monks starts channeling his inner Crazy Ralph and not his Dr. Loomis like he should. Never go full Crazy Ralph.

Oh wait... I sense something. Yes, yes. It's that stupid question again. "Will there be titty?" Take heart, horny male readers. There's titty. The movie's staying power certainly isn't for the plot. We have a fair amount of topless nudity. It would appear my copy is also the unrated version, so a more detailed account of the orgy at the castle. Lucky me. Wee.

Hell at least the castle is real. You see American readers, across Europe and the British Isles, they have actual castles and no giant rodents or talking dogs in them. Sadly, I recognize the castle as it was in use for a raunchy sex comedy, Lady Dracula.

Castle Kreuzenstein in Austria. I like the way they say good bye. Also filmed there was the Mario Bava film, Baron Blood, Ken Annakin's The 5^th Musketeer and Dominic Sena's Season of the Witch with Nicholas Cage.

FILM FACTS!!!

Bad Dracula! Too Young, Brah!

And what vampire movie could this be without an appearance of Dracula? Yes we have a Dracula via Ferdy Mayne (The Fearless Vampire Killers, Hawk the Slayer, Death of a Centerfold: The Dorothy Stratten Story, Conan the Destroyer, Cagney & Lacey, Night Train of Terror, Howling II: Striba Bitch and Pirates). We cannot expect Christopher Lee every time as Dracula but I get the disappointment, folks. I do. Don't worry, more comic relief at the ready with a couple of vampire hunters that are... yeah they are definitely not Team Blade.

The composition is amazing by Jerry van Rooyen (Death on a Rainy Day, Succubus, Sadist Erotica, Kiss Me Monster and How Short Is the Time for Love) and the period piece costumes are bang on. Granted Pia is hardly ever in them but good that the costumers got some work to do and it wasn't all relied on the make up artists to cover asses. Pia also manages her duo roles with two really awful wigs. Looks like they killed some weasels, spray painted them and then with enough hairspray; made them stand at attention.

There's a horny schoolgirls subplot which is just to get them to fullfill their nudity clause. Seriously the school teacher is showing them the error of their wicked ways. With lots of spankings. Yup, shallow waters I be a traveling here.

Didn't get the best copy of this movie which would be the good folks at Anchor Bay. Nope, I gotta get more of my nemesis of repeated titles, the bane of any viewer's existence: Mill Creek Entertainment. Yup, my copy is grainy as the wheat fields of Kansas and the audio is mono. Can you believe those jackasses try to have one of my audio reviews yanked from YouTube?

In conclusion, our "film" is chockful of nudity after the 10 minute mark, hammy puns, obvious sight gags, a zany mistaken identity and...yeah it is pretty painful as a whole. I can't imagine who I would recommend this to.

If you need to torture convicts in GITMO, grab this flick. If you have given up on laughter and love, grab this flick.. If it's this movie or anything Rob Schneider has been in, grab this flick.

Meh, she's no Shannon Tweed.

Darkman II: The Return of Durant

Well after last write-up it was a sequel, I thought I would tackle another sequel and make it less painful than Ninja Death II. This time around we look at a Renaissance Pictures (Sam Raimi, Rob Tappert and Bruce Campbell's production company) continuation. This time however, Sam Raimi serves as Executive Producer this time, allowing director Bradford May (Fatal Friendship, Mortal Sins, Amy Fisher: My Story, Hawaii Five-O, Tremors TV, JAG, Supernatural and Reluctant Nanny) for time to shine. This is Darkman II: Return of Durant.

Them bandages itch my snout.

A quick recap as Peyton Westlake has had a makeover from Liam Neeson to Arnold Vosloo (Hard Target, The Mummy, The Mummy Returns, Warrior Angels, Agent Cody Banks, 24, Blood Diamond, NCIS and Green Lantern: Emerald Knights) as Westlake's former squat had been exposed by gangsters and most of the abandoned warehouse was destroyed.  Time for new digs as Westlake still fights crime from underground at an disused subway track as he continues to work on his formula for synthetic skin. Research is funded by criminal swag.  Hell given his access to superhuman levels of strength and his nerve endings aren't exactly connected, he can soak up a lot of damage.

Laz weapon or camcorder?

Still unable to get the skin to breach the 99 minute time frame, he has a mild temper tantrum when he sees a MacGuffin er um article of a one Dr. David Brinkman (Jesse Collins of Rin Tin Tin: K-9 Cop, The Santa Clause, Kung Fu: The Legend Continues, Ready or Not and Blaster's Universe) working a similar process but is able to make the photo-sensitivity of the cells and possibly a means to make the skin permanent.

With enough problems on the rise, another resurrection occurs as Robert Durant (Larry Drake of L.A. Law, Dr. Giggles, Star Trek: Voyager, Stargate SG-1, Dark Asylum, L.A. Law: The Movie, A Nero Wolfe Mystery, Paranoia, Prey, Inferno, Firefly and Justice League) awakes from his copter crash induced coma. Being back in action, running guns and drugs he says it's time for something new and improved.

He gets his thugs to release a mad scientist Hathaway (Lawrence Dane of Scanners, Happy Birthday to Me, Airwolf, Rolling Vengeance, Memories of Manon, Day One, The Red Green Show and Side Effects) to create particle beam rifles. Yeah energy guns. Too sci-fi? Hey somehow a sudden impact explosion via chopper didn't kill Durant. Don't cry disbelief now.

Don't forget my bunyans need working too, dear.

Brinkman and Westlake meet and decide to form a partnership but Brinkman is trying to keep the lights on to his building that ultimately he wants to build a workshop/research labs for scientists of all countries and disciplines to pool ideas to improve the world. Westlake is ready to get money for the building as a silent partner however, Durant is looking to use Brinkman's building as a new site to create his new weapons. He sends two bully boys give Brinkman an offer he can't refuse. A slight interaction of Brinkmans, David and sister Laurie (Renee O' Connor of Night Game, Hercules: The Legendary Journeys, FBI: The Untold Stories, The Flood: Who Will Save Our Children?, Xena: Warrior Princess, Alien Apocalypse, Diamonds and Guns, Bitch Slap,Ark and Last Chance) to further exposition and Westlake can meet Laurie.

Durant was not pleased by Brinkman refusing to sell so he gets the chop and a bit of a TV movie explosion. Westlake pokes around to find Brinkman's research and find that David is missing his right ring finger, a signature of Durant. Now Westlake feels the need to protect Laurie in the way he couldn't for David. Time to break out the masks and dispense justice.

Will Westlake survive? Can Laurie be saved? Can Durant be put back in the dirt?

Now again as this is still in the same universe as the original film, "The City" is never named. Looks like Toronto or possibly Detroit. Arnold Vosloo does an excellent job of playing Westlake/Darkman and really paid attention to Liam's performances. With fish eyed lenses, random 45 degree angles and some excellent crane shots, this 93 minute film is rated R for the naughty language and violence. I think it a decent follow-up to the first film but I don't feel it surpasses it. Still plenty of fun to be had from it.

Just the two of us...we can make it if we try...

Ninja Death II

I return! Much like the film of today it is random and without common sense. Okay actually it was a fairly long film broken up into three films. I told you I would return to it. You were warned. Okay, feel free to run for the hills if the continuation of said movie is not your fancy. For those masochistic few, welcome. This is Ninja Death II.

Cold waters turn Tiger into cub. Shrinkage!

We recap with Tiger (Alexander Rei Lo of Kung Fu Commandos, Shaolin vs Ninja, Shaolin vs Lama, Mafia vs Ninja, Shadow Killers Tiger Force and Ninja: The Final Duel). We last we knew, Master and the old Blind warrior were in fact uncles to Tiger and they were each instructing him in different forms of martial arts. Also the princess was still alive. Tiger must still do battle with the Grand Master, who also happens to be Tiger's uncle. Christ, Kurosawa couldn't follow this plot.

We open our flick with an assortment of back flips in ninja gear because...it looked cool? Um it was the 80s and there were metric tons of cocaine?

We have tons of wire work, so Anime levels of leaping, also they under-cranked the film so it could be sped up in play. Now it looks like speedsters with blades. What should be the opening credits ends up looking like a martial arts expo. I mean I really cannot think of anything else an orange backdrop would be used for beyond that. Yet again, no credits. Could be potential audition tapes for Hand recruiters.

Grand Master is so proud of being such because it only took him 80 years. Wait whaaaaat? So your brother had Tiger when he was 50? Tiger and Master continue training because...furthering the plot. Tiger is told by Master, the impending invaders from Japan are coming for them both and they must be ready. Mind and body must be as one. Heart, courage and skill.

No! It is I who has fabulous pjs!

Did I mention Master is constantly high? Yeah he is a fan of cannabis. Toking and training goes hand-in-hand...apparently. I mean I have heard of Drunken Masters but Higher than a Georgia Pine Master, well that's a new one. Master goes on to explain to explain the cadre of ninja that is after them was trained for only one mission. Yup, we got another per-ordained or destiny story line.

He could have also been high and paranoid. Methinks opioids got rubbed into his spliffs.

We are back to piss poor English dubbing. Ranging from American slang to the Queen's English. So yes it gets a tad confusing. Also the brother and sister from the brothel are back.

Sister (again I still don't know her name) still has the hots for Tiger and they knock boots. Apparently having her in servitude creeps him out. Guess not everyone is capable of having a sex slave/woman warrior at their beck and call. In their off hours, Master and Tiger seem to like cosplay. Master is almost always decked out as Hobo Gandalf and Tiger looks like a newsie complete with flat cap. What frickin' time period is this? I lost track. I see 80s era dressed folk accidentally put in the film (NO PERMITS) so is this a period piece? Modern day conflict throughout the ages? What in the sam scratch is going on??!!!

Meditation or long drawn out poop?

With the wacky montage of Grand Master either whipping the monkey shit out of his ninjas I mean training them or his master playing a flute; to the standing around Tiger and Master seem to do in quite a few scenes, this film's pace is all over the place.

Blind Master is...zany. I mean his scenes are and it's clever that he gets to whack folk in the head with his cane while performing snap kicks and windmill kicks. I still don't know what in the nine hells is going on and I am watching the damn thing!!!

Will Tiger and Grand Master have their showdown? Does it bother Tiger he is fighting an 80 year old guy? What the hell is going on?

Congratulations Ninja Death II, you made Master Ninja TV mini-series turned TV movie make more sense. I'd love to tell you that all the questions I had from the previous flick were answered BUT THEY WEREN'T!!!! Better luck with Part III or should I just give this a rest? Yes there's still titty in this stink burger of a flick. 

Dom DeLuise is the Last Samurai.

Zombie Army

Okay campers, how are we? Well today's film should be quite illuminating. No I am kidding, it's a SOV (Shot on VHS). These geniuses thought a home movie look would be significantly cheaper to create a movie on and they're right. That process would be cheaper and it looks like crap trying to process it to 35mm and back to video. This is Zombie Army.

Brother, can you spare some brains?

We start the film with a homemade anti-piracy threat of they'll rip out lungs out if we copy it.  If this wasn't a fan request, I wouldn't have gone near this potential stinky diaper. Not because I think SOV was a bad call but YET ANOTHER Zombie film.  I presume that poor audio was capturing monkeys farting on a snare drum or the junior high band student they got to establish a military flick just saw Platoon. With all the naughty bits in it.

We have a couple scientists with a high budget they seem to be in a high school hallway as they converse and kids pour in. I count 6 guys in lab coats, so I guess they teach here. The professor is giving a lecture while we get odd flashback scenes of a kid getting dunked into a bathtub. Yeah I can't correlate these scenes either. With so much grain on the screen I'm pretty sure I am staring at a field of wheat.

Naturally we cannot know what director Betty Stapleford's (Zombie Army) true vision is yet. Pretty sure it revolves around hash brownies. Ow, they added the creepy sting music in later and it is much louder than the dialogue. Just hurt my ears. Professor Hipster beard was actually a part of an elaborate test to see if they could conform a convicted rapist and murderer into a productive member of society. Then he loses his shit and they have to drug him on the spot. Experiment failed!

You're not Mr. Cooper and I refuse to hang with you!

The nuts take over the school er um asylum and madness looms in the air.  Not really.   Due to government rationing of expenses, the hospital is supposed to be shut down. Which the rest of the staff is informed after tossing Professor Hipster and a woman thinking she is a little girl into solitary. Together. Yes we have implied rape scenarios too. Nothing but class for this viewer, let me tell you.

The military takes over the hospital and its grounds because...the budget? Hell if I know. I have seen the layout of the place and you really couldn't fortify it much to say the least. And you know they're serious, they even brought their willy jeeps. A jeep that was replaced by the Humvee what? 70 years ago?  Time Traveling Militia!!!!

So Colonel Plot Point rambles on how the nuts got tossed out on the street and they have these buildings for nothing. The military in a habit of taking over disused complexes?  This place was thoroughly checked from top to bottom. That's how the starving crazies managed to sneak on up on trained infantry. Look I have a light step but sneaking up on a soldier can be difficult without similar training.

The two remaining nuts use electroshock therapy on soldiers they have clubbed to death and somehow they're re-animated. Sure. Fine. Why the hell not. One of the zombies is trying to be Bub to Professor Hipster's Dr. Logan via Day of the Dead. Just not well. This film drags on longer than a dog's poop after eating a wheel of cheese.

Gomer Pyle vs Zombies.

Anyway zombies vs army blah blah blah. I like the idea of filming in an abandoned complex but I think I would go more ghost story than anything else. The decades if not two centuries worth of illegal or immoral experimentation to better understand the human mind? But that's what I would have wrote.

Instead we got closet zombies, bad jump scares and scare stinger chords that hurt the ears. Surprised the "Army" were armed with cap guns.  The zombie makeup is competent, the innards look decent and one could possibly grossed out on this.   Oh sorry almost forgot to mention, "Yes there is titty in this film."   Thank God we got that covered. 

 If I want incompetent soldiers, zombies galore and some creepy rape scenario, I will watch the scintillating opus that is Day of the Dead: Bloodlines.

This stink nugget is 82 mins long and moves at the speed most cancers do. The dialogue is barely heard, the story has so many subplots and our "actors" look bored more than anything else.

So if you have 82 minutes to spare, watch this movie. If you stopped loving life, watch this movie. If you want to not how to NOT shoot a movie, watch this movie. If your kids are misbehaving, make them watch this movie and take notes.

I wanna be Captain Rhodes, dammit!