Wednesday, August 31, 2016

Linda Blair Week: Grotesque

Greetings readers and welcome back to Day 3 of Linda Blair Week. I cannot get over how many horror flicks Linda Blair has actually done. Looks like actor Joe Tornatore is directing this film time around. A jaunt out to a vacation cabin turns into a bloodbath. This is Grotesque.

We will join your pajama party, one way or the other!

Lisa's (Linda Blair of Savage Streets, Red Heat, Savage Island, Nightforce, Silent Assassins, Witchery, Bad Blood, The Chilling, Zapped Again and Fatal Bond) family is loaded thanks to Dad's occupation being an FX artist, designer and sculpter. Orville Kruger's (Guy Stockwell of Adventures in Paradise, Tobruk, Return to Peyton's Place, It's Alive and Santa Sangre) work is in high demand and word sneaks around the snowy town that there are riches in that house.

Lisa's friend Kathy (Donna Wilkes of Days of Our Lives, Jaws 2, Almost Summer, Fyre, Hard Knocks, Hello, Larry, Blood Song, Angel, My Stepbrother Is A Vampire!?! and 90210 Shark Attack) is joining Lisa for a relaxing time into the woods and get over getting dumped...or so they thought. Now while it was a running gag in 80s to have roving gangs of punks I did start laughing when they appeared in VW vans lead by their gregarious leader Scratch (Brad Wilson of Scorpion, Under the Boardwalk, Angel Fire, Art Deco Detective, Dominion and Theodore Rex) and his giggly, loopy right hand man, Gibbs (Nel Van Patten of Young Warriors, Summer School, Ghost Writer, Face the Edge, Camp Fear, Mirror Images and Live Wire) are convinced mad treasure is in the house. Weird, third Linda Blair flick I am reviewing and another Van Patten arises.

Leatherface's cousin: Pork Scratchings Face.

The gangers start gacking the family and trashing the house in search for the illusive funds, they kick open a door to a hidden room. Aha! The jewels and gold would be anyone's take, right​? The deranged and deformed hunchback Patrick (Bob Apisa of The Last Boy Scout, Nowhere to Run, Marked for Murder, Point of No Return, The Sandlot, Hard Target and The Glimmer Man)leaps out and starts making mincemeat out of them. What the hell is going on in this house!?!

Our punkers are a mixed bag. From the foxy Donna (Sharon Hughes of The Last Horror Film, Chained Heat, The Man Who Loved Women, Hard to Hold, Jackals and Mission: Killfast), the bulging eyed Eric (horror/sci-fi B movie legend, the late Robert Z'Dar of Maniac Cop, Samurai Cop, The Legend of Wolf Mountain, Frogtown II, Soultaker, Silent Fury and Red Line) running for their lives as Patrick bounds after them.   Lisa half frozen outside is found by the authorities.

Will Patrick cease his murderous rage? Can the cops clear up this whole mess?

This film take the typical tropes of the eighties and turns it on its ear. The twists and turns from the traditional demented creature film it bring some fair FX, decent graphic death scenes and an impressive story. I have seen countless remarks, insults and negative reviews without any objectivity on it. This was an impressive cast really just getting their feet wet with Blair leading the film as well as being a producer on the film.  Folks deem this "The worst thing ever filmed," clearly they haven't sat through Jesus Franco's Zombie Lake. Now that's a complete turd waffle.

I wonder what Father Murphy would say.

Tuesday, August 30, 2016

Linda Blair Week: Roller Boogie

Well hello again and welcome back to Day 2 of Linda Blair Week. This time around we move back to the time era of roller rinks and disco music. For those that do not care for either can bog off and move on. We observe a film that held auditions of over 300 skaters to work on the film but ultimately only 50 were cast. In addition to this movie, roller skating champion Jim Bray was hired as a stunt skater only to become the leading man next to Linda Blair. This is Roller Boogie.

Okay, she looks like she is having fun.

Wealthy socialites Lillian (Beverly Garland of D.O.A., Swamp Diamonds, Gunslinger, It Conquered the World, Not of This Earth, Decoy and The Alligator People) and Roger Barkley (Roger Perry of Arrest and Trial, Count Yorga, Vampire, The Thing with Two Heads, Barnaby Jones, The Facts of Life, Falcon Crest and Dirty Love) have overall ignored their daughter aside from she goes to Juilliard as a flautist (One that plays the flute) and must succeed to the highest plateau. 

Definitely grooving.

Unfortunately, daughter Terry (Linda Blair of Sweet Hostage, Stranger in Our House, Wild Horse Hank, Ruckus, Hell Night, Chained Heat, Savage Streets, Chicken Soup for the Soul, S Club 7 in L.A., and Monster Makers) has aspirations to have fun versus study, study and more study as she and her snooty friend Lana (Kimberly Beck of Massacre at Central High, Eight Is Enough, Zuma Beach, and Friday the 13th The Final Chapter) hit the broadwalk via Venice Beach. Terry notices Bobby James (Jim Bray of Roller Boogie) out with another girl but clearly our boy took in Terry with a long lasting glance. The two start developing a relationship in spite of their social standings being so different they have found a mutual love of disco and roller skating. Terry offers Bobby money so she can complete and win the Roller Disco contest at the skating place Jammers.

Like Hell Night, it wouldn't be 70s to 80s without a Van Patten (It was a Hollywood rule in the day) as Jimmy Van Patten (Lunch Wagon, Young Warriors, For Love and Honor, The Flunky Saw IV, Saw VI and Saw 3D: The Final Chapter) as Hoppy, Bobby's buddy from Venice Beach. I am still reeling from street name/nickname Hoppy.

I know, I know. Where's the twist in all of this? Pipe down and I will tell you. It looks as though Jammers is to be bought out by some shady mobster cats that will most likely tear down Jammers and make it a night club or some other means to launder ill-gotten gains. Terry and Bobby have to put the kibosh on this somehow with the aid of their friends and get that incriminating evidence to the cops before they're all wearing cement overshoes.

This film has it all. A vibrant cast, a great soundtrack and a kind of wholesome story about life is never what you think it will be. Now some will view this a mushy throwback but I like think of it as a pleasant reminder that these stories hold weight. From director Mark L. Lester of such cheese like: Gold of the Amazon Women, Class of 1984 also brought us Firestarter, Commando and Class of 1999 so it takes all kind to move a picture. Plus Earth, Wind and Fire is on the soundtrack. I'd watch a splatter fest flick if you can guarantee me Earth, Wind and Fire. Granted I could have done with less men in terry cloth shorts but I review a lot of 70s to 80s horror flicks and that is a constant.

John Holmes, is that you?

Monday, August 29, 2016

Linda Blair Week: The Exorcist

Felicitations my gentle readers. I have returned so you can all relax now. I know you how worry. This week I thought we would take glimpse into the many films starring the talent and lovely Linda Blair. With that, there will be horror, drama and some dark humor. So we need to go back to the famous and infamous director William Friedkin (The French Connection, Sorcerer, The Brink's Job, To Live and Die in L.A., 12 Angry Men, Rules of Engagement and Killer Joe) and writer and screen writer William Peter Blatty (A Shot in the Dark, What Did You Do in the War, Daddy?, The Great Bank Robbery, The Omega Man, The Exorcist, The Night Configuration and Exorcist III) which nominated for 10 Oscars and won 2. This is The Exorcist.

She is gonna kick our butts in limbo.

Chris MacNeil (Ellen Burstyn of Act of Vengeance, Pack of Lies, Look Away, Hanna's War, Roommates, How to Make an American Quilt, The Wicker Man, and Big Love) is a single mother, actress and agnostic just wrapping up a scene in a movie while raising her 12 year-old daughter Regan (Linda Blair of The Sporting Club, Born Innocent, Airport 1975, Sweet Hostage, Roller Boogie, Chained Heat, Savage Streets, Grotesque, The Chilling, Repossessed, Sorceress and Scream) starts exhibiting strange behavior after using an Oujia board and contacting her imaginary friend Captain Howdy. Soon she knowledge of events prior to their happening causing Chris to seek out aid for her daughter through doctors, neurosurgeons and shrinks and no one can diagnose Regan as unhealthy or mentally incompetent.

Prior to these events, an amateur archeologist, historian and priest Father Merrin (Max Von Sydow of Through a Glass Darkly, The Greatest Story Ever Told, The Apple War, Voyage of the Damned, Footloose, Dreamscape, Dune, Flash Gordon, The Best Intentions, Needful Things and The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim) is at a dig in Iraq he uncovers a statue of Pazuzu, a demon he once exorcised from many years ago and senses an omen of misfortune awaiting the world or even himself.

Hold still, Mr. Sydow.  We need this for the poster.

Chris goes out on the town for the night asking her friend Burke (Jack MacGowran of Tom Jones, Doctor Zhivago, The Fearless Vampire Killers, The Shadow of a Gunman, A Day at the Beach and The Exorcist) who in fact, dies by falling out of a window violently. This death is deemed accidental as Burke was a known alcoholic and boy that is the guy for my kid. Hey now all you need is a few crack whores and a loaded gun for the night's entertainment.  The cops of course snoop around and investigate after constant interviews with the police, Chris is met with Father Karras (The Exorcist, Vampire, The Henderson Monster, Monsignor, Toy Soldiers, The Ninth Configuration, Light of Day, Rudy and The Eternal) a priest and shrink who recently lost his mom and his faith develops a rapport with Chris and it is decided that Father Merrin will perform the exorcism. A daunting task taxing mentally and physically for both the priest and the child.

Can Regan be saved? Will faith return to Father Karras? Is Chris deciding God need be in her life?

With a budget of 12 million the flick is shot over Georgetown, Iraq and regions of New York managing to gross over 204.5 million dollars. With multiple endings, alternative takes and even the director's cut released in 2001, held extended footage of the spider walk of Regan walking backwards down the stairs, flash shots of the face of the demon and some examination scenes with one of the doctors.

What many people perceive as the theme song of The Exorcist, composer Mike Oldfield's Tubular Bells brings an air of darkness and horror, refreshes the memories of this terrifying tale but seem to forget the gorgeous introduction of String Quartet No. 1 by composer Kyrzysztof Penderecki.

This film impacts on the faithful, the lapsed and the atheist. With the ghastly notion of a young child taken over by such evil and gruesome effects by Marcel Vercoutere and Rick Baker, it is no wonder this film's presence still haunts many. The lighting, the tone and musical cues bring an eerie reaction on a subconscious level. So if you need one hell of a scare, DO NOT let the kiddies watch this one...unless you need them to devote their lives to the church. Best scared straight story then.

Hmm I sense dread and foreboding.  Could be that burrito though.

Sunday, August 28, 2016

80s Slasher: The Burning

Hey all. Welcome back for Day 4 of 80s Slasher Week. A couple of notes of the week. One, we finally got audio sound issues for Rotten Ramblin' On done and over with. Both Shawn and I sound ed clear and our continuation of Suicide Squad came out pretty damn well.

Two, child star, actress, animal activist, producer and singer Linda Blair re-posted my Hell Night review and I got over an thousand views. My thanks Ms. Blair, you truly rock.

With that bit of amazing news I bring you a cruel practical joke done on a simple janitor, that scarred him mentally and physically causing a possible rage of insanity the likes that... well has been seen far too often but that is the meat and potatoes of a slasher film. Writer/producer Harvey Weinstein (The Burning, Deep End, A Rage in Harlem, The Crow: City of Angels, Good Will Hunting, Velvet Goldmine) and writer/director Tony Maylam (Just to Prove It, White Rock, The Burning, Split Second, Jaguar: Victory by Design and Journal of a Contract Killer) collaborate together with a urban legend tale. This is The Burning.

Tis the season of ass.

A caretaker Cropsy (Lou David of Naked City, Foreplay, The Gumball Rally, The Exterminator, Over the Brooklyn Bridge and The Last Dragon) working upstate New York summer camp, Camp Blackfoot is mean and foul tempered and five kids have had enough, prepping the ultimate scare for him. Crospy was horribly burned from a stupid prank gone wrong, a gag skull filled with worms startled Cropsy causing him to spill gas on himself, engulfing him in flames and tossing himself to the river. From then on he became Swamp Thing. No wait, that's Doctor Alec Holland in Swamp Thing.   His accident was so intense he had to be institutionalized as his burns where so severe they caused deformities. I think even Porky's pranks were safer.  Five years later, he leave the hospital a wreck of a man causing him to seethe for vengeance.  Standard issue care package for severe third degree burns is every low level Marvel Comics super-villain disguise consisting of: a trench coat, sunglasses and a fedora. Yup that won't raise any eyebrows at all.

Health and safety issues may be a bit lax here.

Meanwhile at Camp Terrycloth er um I mean Stonewater, the kids are there playing ball, froth with copious energy and all the counselors expect to get laid at some point. Cropsy is roaming the woods and the askew POV via camera was made with a bit of Vaseline on the lens which is a great gag. One of the biggest shockers of this flick was seeing Fisher Stevens, Jason Alexander and Holly Hunter getting their first stint into acting is this very film.

Boy that backyard cook may have a fire hazard.

At the end of the day you have a cast that has been given back story, some goals and dreams making them human and does some similar elements to Friday the13th Part 2 but this is the superior story as it did not require a previous source material to be popular and yes you have a scarred maniac as well, but it manages to keep our killer in the shadows and give a good reveal. Our gore gags are top notch and the raft massacre was butchered by the MPAA giving this film the Video Nasty title and not re-adding the uncut version until 2007 via DVD.

FX guru and splatter king Tom Savini walked away for the offer to do FX for Friday the 13th Part 2 to run gags, bladders and blades for The Burning instead. Shot in Buffalo giving an excuse to use existing campgrounds is great way to keep the budget down. With a budget of 1.5 million, our dark campsite story brought in 770,000 via the states but was beloved by Japan at just a bit over a million so world-wide distribution has its place, folks.

Gurgle, gurgle??   Not sure I understand you.

Thursday, August 25, 2016

80s Slasher: Hell Night

Howdy all and welcome back for another rousing day of Rotten Reelz Reviews. We are on Day 3 of 80s Slasher Week so let's do this right. How about a flick involving a hazing of frat and sorority with Regan of the Exorcist, Matthew Star of the Powers of Matthew Star and a Van Patten??? Sounds insane or totally unfeasible? Tough titty cause it's happening and this is Hell Night.

Excuse me director, why am I dressed this way?

Journey with me into the Time Tunnel (Already made countless TARDIS and Way back machine references) to the year of 1981.  No smartphones and your games were pre 8-bit or at an arcade. SAVAGES!!!    And with director Tom DeSimone and psuedonym Lancer Brooks (Chained, Prison Girls, Sons of Satan, Erotikus: A History of the Gay Movie, Station to Station, Catching Up, Wet Shorts, The Concrete Jungle, Reform School Girls and Angel III: The Final Chapter) such a concierge of soft core Skinamax films, hardcore gay pornos to a few horror films? Such a diverse collection. Our indie horror film opens with a band, a beer bust and general shennanigans. As the hazing is commonly known as "Hell Night" our would-be pledges have to spend the night in the haunted mansion of Garth Manor, where you will have to hear the Wayne's World theme over and over.   I could however, be wrong.

Jason Vorhees without his hockey mask!!!

As the pledges are decided we get nerdish Marti (Linda Blair of The Exorcist, Savage Streets, Repossessed, Perry Mason: The Case of the Heartbroken Bride, Skins, Sorceress, Scream and Supernatural), preppy rich boy Jeff (Peter Barton of The Powers of Matthew Star, Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter, Sunset Beach, Repetition and The Young and the Restless), surfer dude Seth (Vincent Van Patten of The Six Million Dollar Man, Wonder Woman, Rock 'n' Roll High School, Yesterday, Payback and The Young and the Restless) and party chick Denise (Suki Goodwin of Hell Night and Voyagers!) as the sacrificial little lambs. They're told of the horror stories of Garth Manor and how the father Raymond went completely batshit, strangled his wife and then killed his deformed kids in horrific ways. It was said that the youngest child Andrew was never found dead or alive, and is spoken in hushed whispers to still be hiding in the house itself.

Before our frat brat pack can unleash a myriad of pranks and gags at the innocent pledges they find the house may not be so deserted after all. Really getting a Scooby Doo vibes with vicous murders.

Will Marti and Jeff escape this gruesome faith??!!! Has Andrew been dwelling in the manor the whole time??!! Who is has allowed that house to stay abandoned and not simply bulldozed it??!!!

40 days shoot time for the whole flick.  Peter Barton was chucked down a flight of stairs and actually hurt his leg in the process so that limping away was due to hurting himself. There was no hedge maze on the mansion property, it had to be trucked in and grown there.

Not even the Powers of Matthew Star can save you from this flick!

Wednesday, August 24, 2016

80s Slasher: He Knows You're Alone

Hello folks! I am back for Day 2 of 80s Slasher Week and this one took me by surprise. I was not prepared how I would feel after this film. So if I threw out the name Armand Mastroianni, would you have a clue to whom I am referring to? I would estimate that 8 out of 10 people haven't the foggiest notion of the fellow I am talking about but for those 2, hey thanks. Director/producer Armand Mastroianni (The Supernaturals, Tales from the Darkside, Cameron's Closet, Double Revenge, Friday's Curse, Dark Shadows, Virus and Fatal Error) has directed and produced both film and TV for more than 3 decades and while the name does not immediately spring to mind, chances are you have seen his work. Today we focus on a slasher film shot in 1979 and yes you could say it is hanging on the coat tails of the success of Halloween and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre but that would be a dick move. This is He Knows You're Alone.

Yeah it's fuzzy but a warm coat.

A young woman, a bride is murdered on her very wedding day by the man she rejected for her cop fiance, a Detective Len Gamble (Lewis Arlt of Search for Tomorrow, He Knows You're Alone, Another World and Confessions of a Dangerous Mime)who stole McCloud's jacket has the sniffles but that won't keep him from his designated rounds. That night a girl is murdered in a movie theater in Long Island which ironically watching a slasher film. The biggest amusement on my behalf is Wes Craven stole this death scene and it is almost shot-for-shot via Scream 2 with a few alterations to it. Our beady-eyed killer makes his way to a bus from Long Island to Staten Island to shop for victims and boy he should be able to find more than a few if he is lucky so long as he doesn't crossover to Fulchi's The New York Ripper set because Andrea Occhipinti has it covered.

Surprise surprise as Len's partner is Detective Frank Daley (Paul Gleason of The Breakfast Club< She's Having a Baby, Johnny Be Good, Die Hard, Nightmare Beach, Miami Blues and Maniac Cop 3: Badge of Silence) and my first thought was, " Principal Vernon, what are you doing here? Don't you know John Bender is just going to misbehave?" but I digress as he brings Len into the loop that the victim is a bride-to-be and clearly it is the same killer that did in Len's fiance.

Ray's "O" face.  Ew.

Amy (Caitlin O' Heaney of Apple Pie, Savage Weekend, The Seeding of Sarah Burns, Tales of the Gold Monkey, Alien Nation, Civil Wars and The Emperor's Club)is a bride-to-be as she says good bye to her fella Phil (James Carroll of As the World Turns, Senior Trip, Girls Nite Out, Master Spy: The Robert Hanssen Story and The Gathering) is off with his buddies for a stag night leaving her alone with her girlfriends Joyce (Patsy Pease of Search for Tomorrow, Space Raiders, The Young and the Restless and Days of Our Lives) and Nancy (Elizabeth Kemp of Love of Life, The Clairvoyant, Eating and Welcome to New York) and dammit one of these pairings is leading towards erotic fiction. Probably closer to the guys rutting but meh I care not.

Len's hunch on his fiance's murderer is paying off as Ray Carlton (Tom Rolfing of Another World, He Knows You're Home and Disaster at Silo 7) is adhering to his M.O.of killing off the bride-to-be and all her friends and family around her. The clock is ticking and Len and Frank are chasing every lead possible.

Can they catch Ray??!!! Is Amy destined to die??!! Will I ever stop doing this serial gag??!!!

Still love the movie within the movie gag as I noticed Scott (Russell Todd of Friday the 13th Part 2, Where the Boys Are, Chopping Mall, High Mountain Rangers and Another World) is making out in the car when they hear a noise.   Dammit man, how many times must you be massacred before it sinks in??!! A misconception that Tom Savini provided the FX makeup, gag weapons and copious amounts of fake blood for the shoot when in fact it was fellow FX artist and stuntman Taso N. Stavrakis (Friday the 13th, Dawn of the Dead, Day of the Dead, Creepshow 2, The Mask of Zorro, Pirates of the Carribean: The Curse of the Black Pearl and Miami Vice) handling the gore and gags.
With only a 15 day shoot, the overall production took 4 months to clean up, edit and ADR where needed. The pacing is good, none of that overused POV shots for the killer and yet seeing his face does not detract the creepy feeling that would come from not knowing the killer.  His eyes look so damn menacing you should feel at ill ease.  Not too shabby first movie out. 
Oh yes and I must not forget this is Tom Hanks first feature film ever. 

Jeepers Padre, this horror film is well-lit.

Tuesday, August 23, 2016

80s Slasher: Just Before Dawn

Heya gang! Well the week is upon us and that bloody audio review took far too long to record yesterday so today is going to be the starting point, the crux of the week's theme if you will. I thought I would gander at some obscure 80s slasher films. So yes, 80s Slasher is what we are going with. Not the stereotypical brands of Halloween, Friday the 13th or even A Nightmare on Elm Street as they are deemed by many as hollow attempts to cash in on the original source material. Nope we are simply tackling relatively unknown actors in a low budget collective of psychological thrills, chills and spills.
Today's contrived concept is a group of campers make their way to the mountains to check out some property they bought. What they got instead was a nightmare. This Just Before Dawn.

Hehe blew up that thunderbucket!

An independent slasher film made in 1981 and directed by writer/director Jeff Lieberman (Blue Sunshine, Squirm, Doctor Franken, Remote Control, The Nevenending Story III and Satan's Little Helper) drags us into an RV and demands we play road games all the way. Okay it isn't quite that painful. Two rednecks are out hunting, drinking and shooting when they find an abandoned church and decide to dick around in it, something happens deep in the woods and they are never heard from again.

Meanwhile, a gathering of 5 twenty somethings making their way into the Oregon Trail that is a bit better mapped than that stupid Commodore 64 game where Warren (Gregg Henry of Scarface, Body Double, The Last of Philip Banter, Fair Game, Raising Cain, Payback and Ballistic: Ecks vs Sever) has a cabin in the woods but is halted by forest ranger Roy (George Kennedy of Cool Hand Luke, Hush...Hush, Sweet Charlotte, Gunsmoke and The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad!) who plays a round of skeptic comments and rather than telling them outright there have been unexplained deaths he gives them a helping of Crazy Ralph.

Warren, why are we watching a bear pee on a tree?

So Warren and company ignoring the warnings, they find the roads and switchbacks cannot let the giant RV through the dense forest, so clearly we need to set up camp and hope that the ominous music. Yup that is clearly slasher-in-the-woods genre but not everyone has that noticed that.
So naturally it is plenty of opportunity to get naked, skinny dip and screw each others' brains out.

Funny thing is this is beautifully shot as they choose to shoot primarily in Silver Falls State Park via Oregon in spite of the graphic slaughter awaiting to happen. So you know what that means? Yup we need some inbred mongoloid hillbillies similar to those of Wrong Turn!  Well this came first, so there Wrong Turn!

So we get some POV perving/stalking shots this film actually defines the hidden maniacs and making it a more engrossing and eerie atmosphere allowing for a gorgeous musical score by composer Brad Fiedel (The Terminator, High School U.S.A., Fright Night, The Serpent and the Rainbow, Fright Night Part 2, Terminator 2: Judgement Day) but it doesn't change the fact that our would be victims haven't been properly fleshed out. Really needed Amy Steel from Friday the 13th Part 2. Now there is a gal that is smart, sassy, cute and kicks some ass.

Overall the vibe of the flick is impressive, story is decent enough and the effects are spot on but I think it is a wee bit the pale compared to the Vorhees clan.

Hey Jack Lemmon's son, can I get your dad's autograph?

Friday, August 19, 2016

Knock Off Week: Supaidaman

Welcome back all. The slight detour from this week's theme was a nice option via director Dustin Ferguson and his entertaining The Dummy 2. I thought of an excellent way to finish out the week however. In 1978, a year after CBS Americana Entertainment created The Amazing Spider-Man with Nicholas Hammond as Peter Parker/Spider-Man. TV Tokyo and Toei Video Company put together a series that is "LOOSELY" based on Spider-Man. A reworking of Spider-Man by introducing with the giant mecha craze from the Shogun Warriors, Kamen Rider and Ultraman prior to Transformers, Robotech and Voltron. This is Supaidaman a.k.a. Spider-Man.

Spidey Jazz Hands!!!

Found on Tokyo Channel 12 and lasting 41episodes being a half hour each. Takuya Yamashiro (Shinji Todo of Spider-Man, Megaloman, Electronic Squadron Denziman, Kyotaro Nishimura's Travel Mystery 51, Uniform SurviGirl I and Keishicho Shinri Sosakan Asuka 2) a daredevil cyclist (No, not actual Daredevil or Ghost Rider) transforms into a familiar red and blue Spidey suit with a race car and a giant mecha at the ready available to combat the Iron Cross Army led by the dark emperor Professor Monster (Mitsuo Ando of A Fugitive from the Past, Kikaida: Android of Justice, Himitsu Sentai Gorenger,Goranger: The Movie, Goranger: Movie 2- The Blue Fortress, Inazuman Furashu and Supaidaman). Takuya unlike Peter Parker has been given support by an alien from Planet Spider after landing on this world 400 years prior in hot pursuit of the Iron Cross Army for vengeance after they blew up his home planet, he injected Yamato with the Spider Extract giving him his abilities and Spider Bracelet that is a web shooter but also stored his outfit called the Spider Protector.

Spider Mecha!!!!

Garia feels he cannot expect to combat the Iron Cross Army with just his abilities so offers a spacecraft that turns mecha and a flying car outfitted with machine guns and missile launchers with hides in his ship/mecha. Handy, no? Takuya's girlfriend Hitomi (Rika Miura of Sachiko no sachi, Spider-Man, Hissatsu shigotonin, Kareinaru houmonsha, Soushitsu, Kyotaro Nishimura's Travel Mystery 9, Kyotaro Nishimura's Travel Mystery 15 and Uradeka), a freelance photographer who constantly mocks her daredevil boyfriend for disappearing at random and is nowhere near as brave as Supaidaman. NO WOMAN IS THIS STUPID.

Little 18 year old sister Shinko (Izumi Oyama of Spider-Man) and baby brother Takuji (Yoshiharu Yabuki of Spider-Man) are Takuya's legal concern as he is there only guardian after his father died at the hands of the Iron Cross Army of which only Takuya knows and must carry that burden himself encouraging to continue his crusade against Professor Monster and his brigade of monsters. His insanely hot second-in-command Amazoness (Yukie Kagawa of Snake Woman's Curse, East China Sea, Orgies of Edo, Horrors of Malformed Men, Tokyo Band Girls, Queen Bee Strikes Again, Spider-Man, Solar Squadron Sun Vulcan and Ronin-gai) who seems to have a love/hate relationship with Takuya/Spider-Man and seems like more could happen. Interpol investigator Juzo Mamiya (Noboru Naka of Younger Brother, Whirlpool of Woman, Lady Snowblood, Keiji monogatari, Wangan ni kieta onna, Onihei hankacho, Hikinige Family, If: Moshimo, The Abe Clan and Oishinbo 2) easily figures out with Takuya's secret identity cause that took a lot of work and they decide to work together. Actually I found this entertaining but I like mechas and flying cars. So if you like giant robot and kaiju fights and may have a hankering of Spidey. Give it a view.

Toei managed to snag a couple of addition links with a Japanese counterpart of Captain America as Battle Fever J, a Tomb of Dracula anime as well as Shogun Warriors action figures made to a comic book via Marvel interacting with the Fantastic Four, Godzilla, Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.and Red Ronin with an agreement via Mattel

Hey kids, I'm...well I'm not Peter Parker but vastly cooler.

Thursday, August 18, 2016

Summer Screamer Screener: The Dummy 2

Good day to you all. At the request of horror director Dustin Ferguson (Terror at Black Tree Forest, Escape to Black Tree Forest, Doll Killer, Die Sister, Die!, Gloved Murderess, Cheerleader Camp: To the Death and Invitation to Die) I attend a screener of his current works which is a sequel to the 1995 Dante Falconi's The Dummy, in which a newlywed couple decided it was be a kick to get their fortune told, for the hell of it. The gypsy woman goes into her spiel and low and behold the couple act like jerks deciding not to pay her, mock her and off they go. The gypsy woman summons dark forces to imbue into a ventriloquist dummy to slay anyone the couple speak with on their first anniversary.  But that was all just a movie and no way that could ever happen.  This is The Dummy 2.

So that is the director's cut to 2001.  Anyone still awake?

21 years ago, the very dummy that cut a bloody swath across the country is being sold to a couple on E-bay for a tidy but fair sum.. except the part where it is a killer doll and going to maim and murder again. A close zoom pan on said dummy's eyes almost hints to a feeling of betrayal until you realize he is being prepared with dark forces yet again. With a few eerie optical exposure effects, blue lighting and even a little warped incidental music it is a quiet flick allowing your brain to fill in the gaps as you will.

I do love the fact Ferguson took advantage of the existing state fair for shoots. That must have taken very little convincing. The 8 and half minute intro seemed unusually long until I realized Ferguson was recapping the previous film. Yes the metaphysics strike again. Our young foolhardy bunch decide to hold a seance with the creepy doll and see if anything is true about its gruesome origins. But not before some weed, dancing and beer first off. Typical twenty somethings distracted by everything and anything so they prepare for the party/seance in their own time. Wow did I just sound that old?   You damn kids git off my lawn!!!   Fans of Jennii Caroline and Schuylar Craig will be happy to see them both again.

When Craigslist hook ups go horribly wrong.

A few constant niches in Ferguson's films are at least one person smoking, a fair amount of long pan roads to travel down, low level mood lighting and the girls can actually tone down their makeup to the level yes, you can tell they are wearing some but it is not pornographic overboard paint jobs. Little tip Indie Horror directors, find girls like Ferguson has that can act and have the ability to understand how to apply makeup with a series of brushes and not a trowel.

Thought there was quite a few local store visits too many, kinda dragging the story but again this is the screener and he will or won't trim what's going on.

While Velvet Acid Christ did music for Gloved Murderess similar to Goblin in Dario Argento's many films, Hate Dept and Kevorkian Death Cycle put their spin on the film.

While the established notion of The Dummy only being a film, the story arc for its sequel takes its time again and builds up a bit of suspense. The cat in the trench coat was killing me with his leers. You will have some fun watching this as much as it looks like the cast had fun making it.

So that's how you get Schuylar to come over.  Huh.  Well I did wonder.

Wednesday, August 17, 2016

Knock Off Week: Vahsi kan a.k.a. Turkish First Blood

Welcome back to Day 3 of Knock Off Week. So I was told of this bizarre film that we are tackling today. It has action, romance, zombies, military and really choppy edited car chases. Our main star of the film, actor and director (Deli Yusuf, Maden, Dunyayi Kurtaran Adam, Olum savascisi, Karate Can, Kopek, Turks in Space and The Class) has been in over 323 films and admittedly he does look like a terrifying bad ass that probably kills the other actors and no one is the wiser. This is Vahsi kan a.k.a. Turkish First Blood.

Hmm zombies or perverts?

 Our moving pictures opens with a house party which is so much like Communism in Vietnam when some lunatic biker gang from Psychomania decide to raze the whole party. My favorite part in this scene is a guy getting high kicked in the chest against a wall as blood was applied to his wounds because...boot heels are sharp? A young lady hops in her car to escape these dastardly demon bikers and for some reason the camera is set at crotch level and not to the passenger side or on the dashboard so the girl in a dress is driving with her legs crossed. Gotta say it feels like there may not be a stunt coordinator on the set.

Weirder still is she pulls up on the road finding five gored up men or they were have a scab and ketchup eating contest and passed out due to the heat exhaustion. Seriously the subtitles were created by someone without a firm grasp of the English language so I am left blinking a few times when sentence structure seems less than savory or satisfactory. The editing is so out there I swear I am watching a cross between Wes Craven's The Hills Have Eyes with zombies instead of rad mutants, Mad Max like bikers following up with First Blood

Turkish Christopher Plummer looks annoyed.

Love they even lifted Jerry Goldsmith's musical score for the film. Riza or Rambo if you prefer (Cuneyt Arkin) is being led away from a dirt road by armed guards when a car explodes and he just walks away from that and no follow-up to that at all. Armed men had him in custody and now they don't.

No sooner is Riza walking down the road again he gets ambushed by cast members of Turkish Mad Max as they spin in circles around him on bikes and a car. Truly stimulating. Riza proceeds to whoop the crap out of the bikers after they took turns slashing him with their steely knives but they could not just slay the beast. Not sure why he had to wait for multiple shallow cuts but hey I'm not writing this garbled crap. Turkish Richard Crenna giving his best Troutman impression tells the rest of this city to leave Riza to him but corrupt mayor/mobster thinks Riza is cramping his style. Hope he has a good supply of body bags. Yeah it was needed.

Riza meets up with said girl no longer burdened by a crotch cam but for some reason she automatically must be with the muscle bound goof and that slight dirty face she has means strip down and clean up in a lake. Still no clue if this girl has a character name or is it just chesty girl love interest. The mob/concerned citizens managed to find Riza and Girl With No Name in a massive rock quarry and cave...from like a completely different location. Again seamless editing Turkey. Considering it was day for Riza but night for the thugs and hell they were in a forest as well to his rock quarry. So it drags on and Girl With No Name ends up getting lightly tapped to death by foam rocks and Riza must get revenge the only way he knows how, by running at fast forward speed and slashing everyone's throat. That's right, Riza has the speed force at his disposal.

Finding an English subtitled version of this was damn near impossible without buying it outright. In the end I had to rent it for 5 bucks and boy howdy that was money well spent full of confusing scenes strewn together, fast cut edits, copy-written music lifted and Cuneyt Arkin looking either bored or psychotic.

So you got the poster shot?  Groovy.

Tuesday, August 16, 2016

Knock Off Week: Intikam kadini a.k.a. Turkish I Spit on Your Grave.

Welcome back any readers I may still have after Robo Vampire. Yeah that English dubbing really put the film into perspective for me. It says, not all foreign distribution should happen. Well knock offs and impostors are gonna happen in Hollywood. Hell Asylum Films lives on most of that alone. Of course there is always the comment of, "I liked that movie but I think I would go a different direction than they did." Which brings us to our latest discovery. I'm not sure why I keep doing this sort of thing to myself but apparently Turkey was not overcome with joy with the original Meir Zarchi 1978 shocker rape revenge flick, I Spit on Your Grave. Nope the idea for four men gang raping, degrading and trying to off a girl was just simply not enough for some folk. The idea that crossed director/writer Naki Yurter (Fehmi the Astronaut, Cehenneme postalarim, Sehmuz, Haydi bastir and Dert Duragi) if only we could make that a porno as well. Bravo movie, you have just lowered the bar on my blog yet again. This is Intikam kadini a.k.a. A Woman Like That a.k.a. Turkish I Spit on Your Grave.

Joe Spinell's vacation pics got overexposed.

No sooner did I actually find this film the stock alone is grainier than a grindhouse movie. Maybe David Hess' Krug mistook it for Sandra Peabody from The Last House on the Left and had his wicked way with it. Okay, so while the subtitles took forever to pop up I gathered this film is really trying to be its own film and in many ways it really is. Yeah yeah four guys jumped and girl and now she vows bloody revenge. Sadly I can find at least 30 more films like that and do not have to automatically call that a rip-off of I Spit on Your Grave. It could have been closely modeled after Ms .45. Also our rapists are not just punks working for minimum wage in this flick, turns out they are real estate agents who work and live in the city. Their car breaks down in the country and then wonder up to the household of Aysel and her father. After being offered food and shelter for the night they repay the kindness they have received with rape of the girl and brutally murdering her father. Sure you don't want to stop and boot stomp all the chickens or kick the goat in the balls too??

Cut! Turkish Bluto you are on the wrong set!

Asyel (Zerrin Dogan of Hizli giden yourulur, Sona Kalan Dona Kalir, Sev beni, Ooooh Oh and Rezil) is this close to commiting suicide when she decides she will get her revenge instead. Oh and for those of you who had issues with Camile Keaton seducing her attackers and then gacking them one by one well this one will just blow your mind as Asyel decides to seduce her attackers and even jump the bones of a couple of them, again in order for the sweet sweet revenge. I love how the guys didn't even recognize her because her hair is down and she is wearing makeup. Apparently this skin flick didn't get nearly enough flesh going so the other attackers are just in bed with a couple of other women so they must not be real choosy in this portion of Turkey.
Lastly in all of this, there are weird edits or cuts in the film where the music just stops or after a bit of dialogue is over, not even a wipe or dissolve just bloop! NEW SCENE! Music stingers are to be encouraged but alas this crew does not seem to get how that works.

Our infamous director Naki Yurter was arrested by the Turkish government in 1980 for creating and distribution of pornography or whatever film was deemed taboo or communist staple. Yurter never made another movie after Intikam kadini so not sure if that was due to mistreatment in prison or possibly prison guard beatings... I had no real further info on the guy aside from his passing in 2014.

Run time is an hour and well that seemed long enough. They had some ideas and some ways to make this a psychological thriller but no real technical direction, blocking shots was unheard of and the stock looked like it was the dailies before final print.

Well she's no Cleopatra Jones but yeah that's nice.

Monday, August 15, 2016

Knockoff Week: Robo Vampire

Well hello everyone, the week is upon us and we have a theme already. I know you all enjoyed the Bloodsucker sequels last week. This time around we are looking at knock off movies. The popular films of the states clearly need something, sorta kinda near equivalence of the same film. So the best way to appreciate a blockbuster is the imitation is which as we all know is the most sincere form of flattery. So what is the best why combine Robocop with a necromancer that creates vampires?? What? Is that not a thing??? You sure??? This is Robo Vampire.

Well, we spray painted the hand bags silver so Robo Warrior away!

So our misleading title is not compromised of a cybernetic vampire that kicks ass for the lord...although I might start writing that instead of this review. Okay, bye!!

Yeah I am just messing with you. Our opus opens with two pseudo guards holding a guy at gunpoint. They open some crates and are startled by snakes. Oh why did it have to be snakes??
Our calamity guards waste about 12 rounds to deal with the snakes and I really hope they are rubber but as this is an infamous Godfrey Ho movie, nah they smoked real ones would be my guess.

Who is Godfrey Ho? Well I have not covered this particular "director" extensively so I will give you the high lights. With no less than 132 titles under his belt, Godfrey Ho is known as the cut and paste director taking films that were never finished or simply not released and then splice them in with either a ninja, a commando or a zombie theme in there. Yeah two separate movies are now seamlessly blended together to make a film. Plot A and B always mesh with the newer film upchucking a collection of dialogue that is supposed to make the audience believe that the continuous exposition with sum up all the action you saw prior. SPOILER ALERT! It never does.

Those bastards know I need a protein rinse!

Narcotics agent Tom Wilde (probably cousin to Ted Fast of the Gigantic Serpent) is the best there is. An elite warrior in this modern day. An expert in melee, firearms and hand to hand of course he dies. The End. Oh right, I forgot. They rebuild him stronger, faster and better than he was. With what looks like an outfit consisting of pleather bags hastily sewn together. Unlike superior cyborgs, Wilde 2.0 is equipped not with a 9mm burst set SMG pistol but in fact a flamethrower. You almost immediately get the vibe there was no real supervisors with this. DUCK!

What I have learned about Chinese vampires thus far is they have no fangs, look like juicy and bubbled and they bound at their prey like they enjoyed Frogger. About as terrifying as an ingrown toe nail. I am officially annoyed in a minute twenty eight. No, I am not being silly or sarcastic. A heavy belt or box fed M-60 has been relegated to being semi-auto, bouncing vampire and our "soldiers" are wearing Converse sneakers instead of even Vietnam jungle boots!!!!! Granted Converse is cool but I am not sure they wanted their product plugged in a Godfrey Ho movie. A syndicate is moving bodies instead of heroin which pays better I guess. I don't know. I have lost all feeling in my front lobe and I am on just brain stem right this moment. Oh I see now, it is offloading vampires and heroin to your competitors to fang them all, take the money and keep the drugs! Brilliant!

RoboTom joins forces with another agent Sophie to thwart vampire necromancer Italian villain played by Italian Master of Manos: The Hands of Fate as he hatches the evil scam to train vampires to thwart their every move! Brilliant! I see no holes in this diabolical scheme! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Then I will unleash my army of gigantic mutated vicious hamsters to devour their crops!!! Okay I made up the hamsters but seriously the henchmen look shocked they still work for this lunatic.

So if you need a drinking game crappy themed movie knockoff film, then look no further. If you want a movie with choppy editing, bad English dubbing, piss poor blocking so bad you cannot tell who is talking and lines that would stagger most thinking beings, oh you're in luck. Thankfully this turd waffle is only an hour and 24 minutes but you will swear to your deity of choice that it was much longer and far more grueling than even a Twilight twinklefest movie.

Looks like a hybrid of Gene Simmons and Lee Van Cleef.