Tuesday, August 8, 2017

Flighty Features: Hercules and the Lost Kingdom

In a time when the gods were petty and cruel. When the world was young and simple folk tried to mount attacks against the rain. Hey folks I thought I would pop in a fun TV movie of the Action Pack 90's years. No it isn't more Tekwar. Only four of those and I think I covered them all. Nope this time around we journey through the lands of New Zealand with Kevin Sorbo. This is Hercules and the Lost Kingdom.

Damn coffee kicked in.

Herc in a small town just attempting to enjoy fresh stew gets attacked by a massive giant. By attacked I mean mocked outright, kicked across a courtyard and mocked further. The giant was a bit of a dick. Herc gives him whatfor bringing the giant down and laying him out with a haymaker. After that fun smackdown, the villagers wish to put up a shrine or give tribute as they do with all the gods but Herc graciously turns them down and heads for his meal. Hera, darling stepmother and queen of the gods has been smiting messengers from the city of Troy not allowing them to return and claim their kingdom. One messenger finally gets to our hero and begs for his help. A confab with Zeus as he tells Herc to forget about it, maybe worship once in a while at Hera's temple to smooth things over. Yeah because it is Herc's fault Zeus got randy and had how many kids?

Seriously though the whole walking to every village, town and kingdom thing gets tedious even in the series. Dude! Buy a horse! Buy several! Get a wagon! Covered and with a mattress for snoozing.

Hooded Monk of Groove Town.

Herc sets out to his new quest when he comes across a gathering of people praying to the water god. I guess saying Posideon means they get a flood? Posssibly an adventure. Their human sacrifice Denaira (Common name apparently as both Renee O Connor and Tawny Kitaen both had it) is saved by the demigod as he warns the villagers these offerings do not interest most of the gods and just simply tells them to irrigate their land. Yup waste some prayers on selfish beings or improve your farming techniques, brohan. Also consider cross cropping (changing the particular crop with another to enrich the soil).

Denaira follow Hercules convinced her destiny is linked with him as they are off to find Troy. A kingdom shrouded by a illusion veil or Hera simply moved it. She's kind of crafty that way.

Traveling to Troy they have need of a magic compass that will lead them to Troy itself. A mysterious robed monk keeps watching out for Denaira and speaks of her destiny. A previous eunuch/slave Waylon journeys with Hercules after the big guy tossed around a few shakedown artists i.e. Thugs run a protection racket.

A Bob Clampett CartOOoOooon!!!

Herc and Denaira get as far as the ridge to an ocean face when a giant sea serpent (insert Benny & Cecil joke) swallows them whole. With a Jonah and the Whale story happening the two are separated as Herc proceeds to punch his way through the serpent. Well damaging it enough to release them. With getting to land finally Denaria meets her destiny that has long been withheld from her. She's...a princess? Hmm I thought she was supposed to hang out with another brunette of awesome power and a round killy thing (Chakram! God bless you!). Oh wait, that's Gabrielle.

With meeting the displaced people of Troy they for some reason cannot go back to their home because the king refused to sacrifice his only daughter to the blue sea serpent. Saaaay... that same creature they just escaped from?? Kooky coincidence???

So what can be said of this TV movie. Well the graphics were cutting edge in its day. Our cast is pretty top notch and who can disagree with New Zealand for a gorgeous setting? Anthony Quinn as Zeus was always a treat. Flirting with girls and women vastly younger than him.

Though I did laugh at the monks. The Blue Cult. The Order of the Blue Serpent I am guessing is better name. Looked like Foot Clan with rubber ghoul masks and duo swords. Cue the M.C. Hammer music!!!

Yeah I am goofing. Overall it is a fun sci-fi fantasy story for all ages. Yes you can plunk young ones down and enjoy with them. 

Jeez my pecs are sweaty.

Sunday, August 6, 2017

Meh Movies: Prey of the Jaguar

Hey there. Finishing the Meh Movies we have a story of revenge, avenging the dead and an Australian man wearing an outlandish costume. No not Chris Hemsworth. Not everything is Chris Hemsworth. Sheesh, you people. No instead we have a former Spec Ops soldier avenging the death of his wife and son in an costume that would have made M.A.N.T.I.S. feel off. This is Prey of the Jaguar.

Umm grrr. hiss, hiss.

Well noted prisoner Damien Bandera (Trevor Goddard of Nowhere Man, Yesterday's Target, Fast Money, Mortal Kombat, Assault on Devil's Island, Deep Rising, Babylon 5 and JAG) has to be transferred and you know it is a good budget when I notice the tags for the men's names are done up in Sharpie magic marker. I am not kidding. No velcro tags for this boys, it's Sharpie or nothing.
 Looks like they stole a bus bench and bolted it in a Ecoline 350. Solid transport for the villain. I was amazed the lights worked on it. With his collective cadre of over the top henchmen, they proceed to drop the 4 man team and move the transport and rescue their boss. One prison guard announces to his former partner he is scum in such an ridiculous fashion. Sadly he was only two days to retirement. My bad by the by, as Trevor Goddard is not the hero but the villain and further oops as he is English not Australian. My humble apologies for the presumptions.

Credits rolls as we are treated to a rotoscoped Master Ninja training montage.  MASTER NINJA THEME SONG!!!   I guess we can expect a white ninja to the likes of Franco Nero only many times less cool. You ain't Django, Maxwell Caulfield.   Former Special Operations Agent Jason Sheppard/Derek Leigh (Maxwell Caulfield of Grease 2, The Colbys, Dazzle, The Nanny, Empire Records, Sundown: Vampire in Retreat, Smut, Eragon, Cry of the Winged Serpent and NCIS) is blissfully unaware of the impending doom of his family as notorious Damien is a free man. He gabs with the pregnant wife and even chatters with his imaginative son about a superhero costume he had Mom make for him he devised for his own. Talk of retirement, Leigh is made aware that Bandera is loose by his former Commander (Stacey Keach of Mike Hammer P.I., Raw Justice, Caged Seduction, Texas, Young Ivanhoe, Escape from L.A., The Pathfinder, Future Fear, American History X, Titus and Icebreaker) visits him, gives him the skinny and assures him that he is not known by Bandera being alive and well. Yet he felt the need to drop this news in person.


At his worksite, Tanaka and Bandera make their way through a few workboys leaving a trail of bodies meet up with Leigh and feels the need for exposition as Bandera establishes he killed Leigh's wife and son off-screen. Well at least we were spared that. Shooting Leigh in the chest with a flask in his pocket saved his life.

Meanwhile detectives Cody Johnson (Linda Blair of The Exorcist, Exorcist II: The Heretic, Hell Night, Chained Heat, Savage Streets, Bad Blood, Grotesque, Silent Assassins, Witchery, Nightforce, Sorceress, Scream and Supernatural) Roger Bentley (Tom Badal of Love Streams, Out on Bail, I,Madman, Destination Vegas, Treasure of the Black Jaguar and The Miracle) are hot on the case with only 3 weeks to retirement. Yeah it is an old gag. I'll drop it. Love how Bentley fired up a stogie on the crime scene. I'm sure that won't contaminate evidence whatsoever.

Leigh pops awake (No broken bones from his swan dive or ribs cracked from close range gun shot) and takes Johnson and Bentley's unmarked fleeing home for his big NOOoOOOOOooOO speil that all avenging heroes get to do at least once.

Mood lighting and dry ice means I'm in the netherworld, sweetie.

Hell I am still trying to get past his cheesy mustache. It looks like it was spirit gummed on his face. With nowhere to turn, Leigh visits an old weaponsmith/mechanical engineer he saved and has his suit made by him. Such technological marvels like a weighed and balanced throwing knife which I though was going to go through Caulfield's hand if he fumbled it. Apparently he builds weapons for the "Organization" now and is supposed to give Leigh the brush off.

The clandestine organization didn't realize the platonic love they share or possibly he was bored.

With the help of Master Yee (John Fujioka of American Ninja, Hiroshima: Out of the Ashes, Martial Law, Father Dowling Mysteries, The Road Raiders, Paint it Black, Freddy's Nightmares, Friday's Curse, The Munsters Today, American Samurai, Mortal Kombat, Wirehead Sega CD and Walker, Texas Ranger)giving Leigh a refresher course and hopefully months in his montage set him on his path, Leigh is ready to become...the Jaguar.

Evil or swarmy?  Only you can be the judge.

With Master Yee's blessing every cliche has been managed. The one-liners, the non-lethal attacks, the former warrior made up with peace must take up arms again. God's sake I was waiting for him to be in a Soviet copter blasting rockets at a Vietcong outpost.  Film flubs of composite armor's plastic restraint decoupled, the shoulder pads constantly bounce upward because they are not fastened to his arms, the crossbow probably beating a tattoo into his back as he ran and the stripped face paint was a bit much. It does look better than the Ultimate Warrior granted but not nearly functional as the film wants you to believe.

Director David DeCoteau (Shrieker, Puppet Master III, Curse of the Puppet Master, Voodoo Academy, his 1313 franchise, Blonde Heaven, Beach Babes 2: Cave Girl Island and Petticoat Planet) had his hands full with this. Looked similar some of the DC Comics superheroes of the 90s and I was entertained but not in the sense of action packed fun. So it was unintentionally funny.

Even my cheesy mustache can't cheer me up.

Friday, August 4, 2017

Meh Movies: The A-Team

Welcome back to what can be described as Meh Movies. These are the films that didn't wow me, impress me, have a huge impact or I am so shell shocked from crappy flicks my nerve endings don't work right anymore. Today's film has an amazing cast but it just didn't gel as well as Top Cow Productions would like you to think. Top Cow?? As in the comic book productions via Image Comics. No wonder the story left me unfulfilled. Writer/penciller/executive producer Marc Silvestri of (Witchblade, The Darkness, X-Men 1989-1992) places writer/producer Glen A. Larson's (A-Team, Riptide, Knight Rider, Battlestar Galatica, The Fall Guy, Automan, Manimal and NightMan) dishonorably discharged Special Forces Unit Vietnam vets into Special Forces Unit Iraq vets convicted of a crime they never committed. Giant leap there. This is The A-Team.

Someone's excited for The Defenders.

Operational Detachment Alpha is under the careful eye of Colonel Hannibal Smith (Liam Neeson of Miami Vice, High Spirits, Darkman, Rob Roy, Star Wars: The Phantom Menace, The Haunting, Batman Begins and Taken) bailing his subordinate out of trouble in Mexico, a smart but reckless Lt. Face (Bradley Cooperof Nip/Tuck, All about Steve, The Hangover, Limitless, The Words, Hit and Run, American Sniper and Guardians of the Galaxy) attempting to nab a corrupt general with limited success. Hannibal stops a young man name of Bosco B.A. Barracus (UFC Quinton "Rampage" Jackson of Death Warrior, Hell's Chain, Fire with Fire, Vigilante Diaries, See Dan Run and Boone: The Bounty Hunter) and convinced him to aid his friend. After nabbing a burnt, loopy but not completely fried pilot Murdock (Sharlto Copley of District 9, Elysium, Maleficent, Chappie, Powers and Free Fire) to get them under way. 8 years later they are 80 missions in and its 80-0.

You know I trained Batman, right?

One last gig to take printing plates of the Yankee dollar in Iraqi hands so the boy are planning a strike to capture the plates, printing press, the whole damn thing.  A merc team and a CIA prick left them in the wind and the boys are looking at federal time in the big house via Gitmo. OoOoOor....they can pick themselves up, find the fore-mentioned pricks and the plates.  6 months in max security the boys are still being ready waiting and planning. Hannibal has a few plans, strategies, a tactical rough outlines and manages a few clever ideas.

Mexico or Arizona? Meh, it's a lot of desert.

Now the action is decent, the locations well done, and the dark humor is balanced with the characters. The problem with all the plane stunts, fistfights, gunfights and mass explosions. The story isn't bad but some of the dialogue is lacking. Admittedly Cooper screaming" Get some bitch!" I really wanted to hear Rocket Raccoon screaming that while blasting an unfeasibly large gun in his disturbingly human like paws.

Action-packed scenes worthy of a Jason Bourne flicks, well rehearsed fight choreography, some full on Gun Fu but I found the overall cliffhanger based on fantasy, action and actual military terminology. It is over the top, loud and obnoxious male. You know, an action movie but PG-13?? Ugh. Now I understand the notion of using nostalgia against the thirty to forty something crowd, hell we have been down this road since the first Mission: Impossible flick.  I still think this was well-executed and diverting entertainment. I wasn't bowled over by it but it almost didn't bore me to tears.

A good actress relegated to being Face's eyecandy. Classy.

Patrick Wilson forced to be such a douche. Did love Pike and C.I.A. Kyle with the frickin' issues with putting a damn supressor on a pistol. I about cried laughing. Not a brilliant film but not bad either. Worthy of a sequel but apparently the numbers weren't high enough. Cooper and Copley were even talking pay cuts for a sequel but the concept got tanked. Clocking in at 2 hours and 13 minutes is the extended version and YES go watch it.   PG-13 version/theatrical?? Meh.

FYI, Jessica Biel was totally wasted in this movie as a hard ass bureaucrat/Face's love interest.  She deserved better.  She has some range and acting chops.

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

Meh Movies: Zombie'90: Extreme Pestilence

And we are back folks. Yeah I am reviewing Zombie '90.  Sorry Zombie '90: Extreme Pestilence.

 Yeah plenty of you requested this Andreas Schnaas festivities. I am beginning to think you people hate me. I cannot for the life of me fathom why anyone wants this viewed or needs me to crack jokes at this. Just listen to the audio track in English. It's...kind of like comedy. Okay we've put this off long enough.  Ah yes those zany government types with no safety procedures and check systems. A secret C-17 cargo plane crashes into a dense forest after being up in the air for maybe 20 minutes.  You know they crashed because of the fade to black screen wipe.   Translation: We didn't have a budget for a mock plane crash.  Sheesh, scale model it and go to Hobby Lobby for some model planes to blow up with a firecracker while quarter cranking the film.    

 Why, it's a wonder that IBCMs don't just launch themselves all willy nilly under the government's watch.  Hmm he may have meant Ze Germans.

Damn, Trumpcare got hard core.

Well that's definitely a hospital. You have established that. Well done, movie. We cut to a doctor handling the infection of zombie but not officially called that as they have yet to determine this. By the way, when I look at this man I have to admit I wouldn't have seen Samuel Faux Jackson for his voice. Just doesn't pop immediately in my head. Doctor Berns and his assistant immediately are attacked by the very patient that died on their table but thankfully Berns is packing a Luger. In case Blue Cross doesn't cover the procedure obviously. Couldn't afford the muzzle flash? Just cut away to sound effect and FX bladder.

Sheesh shot him right into the credits. I'm not even kidding. I've seen low budget indies but they were ten times more professional and better edited. Oh that's the problem, the Violent Sh*tters Hamburg edited. Trips to the can made by two guys suffering from dysentery made it impossible to cut this properly. They had Hardee's bacon deluxe no doubt.

My God...the sheer numbers.

Car trouble and Leatherface is prowling the woods with a hard on chainsaw? Now the zombies understand melee weapons and power tools? Why not.

Berns and assistant carry a dead body to study of its reanimating issues. They carted a dead body in a hatchback. Didn't anyone know at least one EMT? Shocking this adventure goes awry as the zombie attacks them but the valiant doctors manage to bust a cap in his ass.

Berns is convinced that this has to do with the plane crash the government has been covering up and the toxic chemicals released in the immediate area...the area about 40 miles out or how ever many klicks. I had no idea that house painting smocks and gas masks equate Hazmat suits. They both check out the site and just start poking things randomly and the dialogue is astounding.
 High tech analysis with a volt meter tells us zombies afoot. Yeah a volt meter. Guess a PK meter prop was hard to build. Couldn't have bought one on Ebay I guess.

That can't be good for her back.

This wide spread contagion is...well a few zombies here and there.
Burns still packing his rod has to smoke zany assistant.  Thank Christ.   I wanted to murder him and blame it as he was turning into a zombie a half hour prior.  Voice was so shrilly.

Oooo new characters.  Will we have scintillating dialogue, meaning and in depth looks into the human psyche? Course not, Schnaas films don't have time for that sh*t.   Besides he had to go take a dump.   His words.   Never go outdoors to piss or the self proclaimed dump. You will die.   By penetrating  Jason Vorhees demon worm??  Okay that one was different.  

It wouldn't be a Schnaas film without some good old fashioned genital mutilation.  Bet you're glad I skipped mentioning or showing that in the audio review.

Doctor Burns just starts taking these undead mothers down. Well you ain't Ash of Evil Dead or Reggie from Phantasm. Hell you're not even Captain Rhodes, buddy!

Burns stumbles and bumbles down a hill and I think is knocked unconscious as we are treated to I guess a dream sequence. The audio is painful as most of the dubbed actors weren't miked worth a damn, some sound like their in a booth, others sound like they are in a hallway.  I would dare say that footage of the C-17 cargo plane was probably along the fence line and illegally obtained.

To give credit, aside from Nikos the Impaler this is the first Schnaas film with a plot, some characters to go with the gore effects. The downside is... it was made. Okay that is all I got and I am out.

Failed hybrid clone of Steve Buscemi and Clint Howard.

Saturday, July 29, 2017

Favorite SG-1 Episodes: Disclosure

And we are back. Sorry for the delay but that audio review that is now up on Youtube and Vidme took me almost two days to cut to my liking and I am still not 100% liking it. So on with the episode. Now this particular tale is not as exciting from an explosive action jam-packed power hour that you are used to. No new civilizations to beheld buuuut... it holds the future of the Stargate program in United States Air Force in the hands of many. This is SG-1 Season 6 Episode 17: Disclosure.

Sorry, sometimes the Borsch acts up.

A summit is held and foreign political representatives of the planet have been called in. For more than 6 years Cheyenne Mountain has been sending SGC teams to other worlds, finding new technology and making weapons to defend the planet against the Goa'uld but could easily being turned on their own enemies of the planet. Now many folks watching this episode have mixed feelings. You telling our rivals about all this sweet tech the military has been building? Why did it take so long to tell this story to the rest of the world? When will the SGC teams be revealed to the public?

General Hammond is trying to give vital intelligence on the Goa'uld's war capabilities, troops, ships that travel on interstellar levels and the weapons they possess when Senator Kinsey comes in with his hypocrisy for firebrand and God fearing, stating the SGC teams are incompetent, reckless and will one day have the Goa'ulds at our throats. He is counting on the representatives of the world to rally behind a civilian over-site committee to oversee all Stargate use, what trips to be taken and what material goods can come of this travel.  Again he sees overhead and gains rather than the allies and the people. Y'know, bad politician.

Gate bomb away!!!

With the ambassadors reluctance to accept that oblivion is on the rise, the collective heads of foreign relations are outraged as Senator Kinsey lays out some of SGC's dirty laundry. The fact of the foothold situation with an alien species incorporating a shape-shifting device allowing them to take over command for a short while, connecting the Stargate to a black hole nearly swallowing the whole planet up and diverting a planet killer asteroid barely in the nick of time.

His follow-up compromise is to have the NID (National Intelligence Department), a civilian committee to head up Stargate operations. These are also the same people that stole from the Asgard, threatened Hammond's granddaughters, almost killed a world removing its weather control device and frankly are a bunch of ex-military, ex-CIA dinks. Their objective is vast new technology at any cost including pissing off SGC's already established allies.

No France, we cannot immediately surrender. This guy.

Hammond endures about the whole episode of this when he decides he won't play fair either. Time for a winning hand and calls an ally in. You folks love the little guy and you know it. Of the Asgard fleet, Supreme Commander Thor appears and explains why the SGC teams need to continue, the alliance they have forged and how they would take any change as less than wise solution.

Now I know more than a handful of people that do not like this episode because it relies on a lot of stock footage of the previous episodes to explain the severity of the threat. Personally I thought this episode is vastly important to the series as the cat is out of the bag and all that is the SGC is in jeopardy if this summit goes south. Now anyone aware of nuclear deterrent summits, you know another will follow directly after this one has been reached to the goals intended or outright failed. Peace talks will continue and agreements will be done on table and everything under the table will still be in effect. They spy on us, we spy on them and so on.

Political struggle and the possession of the gate should have happened sooner but that is really at the end of the day in the hands of the creators and writers. I still felt there should have been more outrage and disgruntlement.

Extreme Wormholin'!!!

Tuesday, July 25, 2017

Favorite SG Episodes: The Tok'ra Part 2

And we are back ladies and germs for Part 2 of the exciting conclusion of the Tok'ra. When we last left our SG-1 and SG-11 teams, the threat of a traitor giving away the Tok'ras' position had happened, Sam and her father (General not Colonel) Jacob had made it to the caves so he and Selmak may possibly blend. What in the nine Hells can top all of that??! This is SG-1 Season 2 The Tok'ra Part 2.

Bow down before Sarah Douglas!!!

With O' Neill and Carter back with her father Jacob in tow, the planet is being evacuated. The Tok'ra are prepping to trash their underground tunnels, ring up to their hidden ships or head for the Stargate toot sweet. Mass chaos ensuing, O'Neil, Jackson, Teal'C and SG-11 assist in evacuations and even prep for cover fire and assault on the impending Goa'uld forces on their way for their standard ground assault. Not to bash the System Lords but have they ever considered just orbital bombardment? I mean soften the planet's populations and defense and then send in the ground troops. Just a thought.

During this clusterf**k of an mission, the SG teams hold under pressure. No wonder there of course. SG-1 is Air Force Spec Ops, a warrior more than a 100 years fighting experience and a brave paramilitary trained civilian/archeologist. SG-11 is Marine Recon so again odds are bad asses will prevail.

Sorry I beefed.

Selmak and Jacob chat through the former host and find each other to be decent folk. Selmak is smart and a capable being with vast knowledge but the host warns him that all memories, good and bad will be shared. Failures, horrors but also joy and accomplishments. Ultimately it is up to the general if he wants to do this blending. Plus the chemo and Stargate jaunt didn't help him feel any better.

O' Neill recognized the long range visual communications orb that is Goa'uld tech and slightly confused why one of the Tok'ra would use it. Given it's all one network and no real way to mask the signal. Confirming with Teal'c and later Sarah Douglas er um I mean Yosuuf/Garshaw of Belote that they have a Benedict Arnold amongst them, she and a detachment of men swoop into action weapons at the ready. Guess they don't waste time. With that, the traitor's host claims his symbiote was murdered and he had to obey the Goa'uld...and then chucks himself into the disintegrating tunnel as his own punishment. Well saves on time for a trial or vengeance but still not really helping the cause there.

Your dad beefed, Sam.

With the Goa'uld hot on their heels the SG teams and the Tok'ra all seems hopeless and only a typical last minute save can bring our collective groups out of the fire.

Can the Tok'ra be trusted?? Will Jacob/Selmak be safe?? What of Chad's love for Susie?

Coming back to these episodes it is easy to forget this goes back as far as 1997 and of course all happened because of Roland Emmerich's 1994 Stargate movie. For that further notion it has been ten years later since the last Stargate episode and it really doesn't feel like it.

This was the first real introduction to showing that Earth was not alone in this fight, that allies were possible and the humans might stand a decent chance against the impeding enemies.

Guess Jacob beefed again.

Monday, July 24, 2017

The Case of Financial Woe Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Kind of kicking myself for bringing the microphone when I am most likely going to just use my phone to incriminate this scumbag. If I am going to get this guy I will have to look over his security, paranoia and overall standings, I am going to be cagey. This is going to be difficult. Presumably he is smart enough to hire some sort of protection, electronic and/or muscle. I went back to the office to go over the notes. It is pretty clear by Ms. Dietrich, "Chet" covered his tracks but what she didn't realize she accidentally given me a character profile on this jerk with ego, drive and ambition. With this I know the guy's choice of wines, scotches and tequila. Also how much attention he painstaking details over hair, clothes, choice of watch and meals.

Dipping back into the wardrobe I found that Kenneth Cole sharkskin suit is the term for this bright and flashy garment. I slick my hair wrong and I am sure to pick up a few men or two. Not really the outing I am expecting so I think I will just stalk Chet. A black dress suit,leather belt and loafers to complete my ensemble I am really out of my element but needs must as the devil drives.

Checking to see my smartphone was charged I prep my secret weapon. The very precise sound recorder app specifically for taping conversations for most likely interviews. I jab a small microphone plug and wire it to my jacket. Maybe I should find Chet's car to bug as well. We'll see. True to his word, Dave sent me a text reading: "The douche has arrived."

Armed with this information I was off. Leaving the apartment and holding the door for my upstairs neighbor, she eyes my suit in a form of confusion and intrigue. I simply smiled and said I am working in La Jolla and this allows me to work. With that I head out to Eddie V's simultaneously regretting my apparel as I enter the door sliding directly to the bar. Dave entertaining a couple of Asian college girls wearing sheath dresses that are barely there. A sight to behold no doubt but Dave glanced over in my direction, made his apologies and slid my way. "Get you something,man?" "Glenlivet on the rocks." "He glided out prepping my drink with a napkin pointing out the schmuck and I skated over in his direction. Chet was enthralling a couple of familiar cougars that were drooling over Dave seem to be captivated this putz. With a cursory examination of Chet I can see his hair is greying prematurely so his dye job is being done professionally, his manicure is recent as much as a week but the suit was almost as douchus maximus as mine. Sorry Tom but these glad rags are so not me.

I have another glass while watching the master at work and I saw it. A shaven moose in a suit and tie roaming around not far from Chet. So our man of smooth was indeed smart enough to have muscle and brother this cat had to be at least 210 pounds of solid muscle. Just a few tables down Moose sat down with another man with a lesser suit looking odd and weaselly. Maybe 5'8" 165 lbs blond with a deep scar into his right cheek that couldn't been anything but a knife fight that he won. So now we have two lackeys both looking like they know their business and will continue to deal with whatever Chet decries so long as the money keeps pouring in.

I plucked up my glass to get topped off, trying to not eye some of the more lovely roaming about on the prowl. Any guy that tells you he's never seen that hungry look in a woman's eyes clearly has been in his cups and not using his peepers at all.

Chet excused himself as he left to get his glass refilled. I knew this was my chance to bait the trap. I got Dave to fill me up and act as though I have been bugging him. "You sure you need another, man?" "Yeah why not. No wife to go home to and that divorce was a slam dunk. She wasn't smart enough to nail the pool boy outside of the house and CCTV caught it all." "So no wasted alimony?" Chet commented with a chuckle. I swiveled around with a exaggerated inebriation and said,"Brother not only that but I fired the pool boy and gave his name to a few powerful people that had his account as well. Dude's gonna be blacklisted." We laughed and clinked glasses together. "So what kind of work do you do?" Wow, he didn't even wait. I smirked, "I'm in investments. Always looking for a better venture to get me that closer to retirement early."

Chet chuckled and signaled to Dave. "Glennfich 18 years and leave us the bottle. I'm Chet" he said with an exaggerated out reached hand. I shook it. A firm grip and surprisingly neither slimy or clammy after all. "Jake Braddock" "Well Mr. Braddock if it is sound investment you are looking for, why don't you come to my table?" Glancing at his seated hunnies I make a nervous laugh. " I wouldn't want to impose." "Think nothing of it. The ladies love to entertain." "Well you can never have enough entertainment." Chet smiled a grin that just made me want to punch him in the temple.

I slid into the chair across from Chet and introduced my cover to the ladies, Veronica and Chelsie. it was obviously they didn't recognize me from this afternoon. They giggled at my comments and after a few moments Chet starts going on about a few investment ideas that might interest me. We spoke for about an hour and I glanced at my watch. "Damn I have another appointment I have to hit. My money manager isn't the greatest but he is prompt. Can I give you my card?" Chet looked a little disappointed that I wasn't on the hook yet but he played it cool. "That would be great. We'll do lunch." I dove into my pocket to get my card half glancing at the shaved moose to get to see he is packing. Christ it looks like a Desert Eagle. Doesn't anyone carry a Sig or a Taurus anymore?

Feeling a bit buzzed I causally get up and Veronica slipped me her number with a sultry smile. Ho boy that looks like trouble. I pat down for my wallet and Chet insists to close out my tab. I thank him and tell him I will call in the morning if he is available.

Well the upside is I'm not out $60. The downside is the recording didn't incriminate him at all.
If he has any brains at all he will check me out even its just Google. Now I know what you are thinking. I have no secret agent skills to upload a false identity, travel documents, huge caches of weapons and cash at the ready. It is also unlikely that I can infiltrate his lair, drop his men and leave him bruised, battered with a Bond like quip. You are absolutely 100% correct.

I do however have friends. Friends say in high ranking official places like say my buddy Ray Grant, who is FBI. His assignment should he decide to accept it is fudging me a false ID, background, medical and history from a disused ID previously in a case that is no longer active. This cost a lot of begging, manipulation and even a bottle of 20 year scotch I was saving but all for the worthwhile cause of helping a good woman that got duped by a complete and utter scumbag. That being said, really wish I hadn't thrown the bottle of Glenlivet in the pot.

With a bit of subterfuge I carefully slide a tracker under scumbag's bumper, a 2016 Mercedes SL450. I wonder how many lives this cocksucker had to ruin to afford a set of wheels like that. You know he is just going to trade up to the next model much like he does with his marks. Slipping into the Charger I get a text from CPA Brooks. More specifically the automatic payment on my work and notice that my evidence will be used in his brand new divorce case. Apparently Hell hath no fury with Brooks either. No clue if son Billy was bounced from the house, the will and/or swimming with the fishes but that is another worry for another day.

Sure enough after three hours of gratifying himself with his cadre of cougars, Chet called it a night. His two gunsels slide in the back seat of the SL450 and they were off. I give them a block headstart and proceed to follow them. The key to tailing a potential bad situation is not to be bumper to bumper close but not so far away you lose sight of them. The tracker is performing even better than it was advertised. After about 20 minutes on the freeway we made our way into Encinitas. A half way point from La Jolla and Oceanside so it leads me to believe this is his main base of operations giving him close access to all his rented properties where he springs a flashy pad for his marks. I bet he has at least 4 maybe 5 different locations for wining and dining clients, fleecing divorcees and suckering innocent middle class. With his hideout being right on Mission Beach, a condo more than 2,000 sq ft. Best guess is it is at least a three bedroom, two maybe three bathroom, parking place for 4 vehicles, a propane outdoor grill, brushwood patio and a decent chimney for a fireplace.

No chance to be able to sneak a bug into the house. Thanks to a former SEAL buddy of mine, Paul Ecarde I got a crash course in electronic surveillance so logically if I can't bug the house, bug the car. Douchy left the top down and didn't even bother arming its alarm. About thirty five bucks and a trip to Radio Shack gives me the decent transmitter. Transistors, Ohms and solder oh my. Right in the dashboard should do it. We will see what we can find out. That battery will only give it about 8 days of life but I hope to rap this jagoff in a few days. The range on these things vary. Paul was telling me based on GPS, what transmitter and how much the power requirement was... okay yeah I got bored with the terminology. Point is I have gotten so good at making them I was thinking of making a few for Rodriguez on the QT in case they don't get the okay from the higher ups for a legitimate bug.

Dear God he didn't even put it in the garage. The balls on this guy is impressive. I would almost be amused if it wasn't for the fact he is complete slime but the bright side this will give me ears on him. You would be amazed the kind of business chatter that happens in a car. Maybe I'll sick Raoul and his boys on him.  Oh it's not what you think, Being Whedon fans they have chosen the name Reavers as their tagline for their extracurricular cyber activities. Yeah they're hackers. I came across Raoul a while back and when I convinced him it was in his best interest to return the police retirement funds and with that we became buddies of a sort. I do him favors and he does the same.

I woke up the next morning. The bourbon bottle was actually stopped properly. I brushed my teeth, showered and have two cups of coffee to start the day. Hitting the smart phone to see the daily events. More unrest in the Middle East, the Cubs lost 9 to 4 and our President was vulgar and unreasonable. Some days it doesn't pay to check the social media.  I grab my new Kenneth Cole blue sharkskin suit, check my automatic after cleaning it last night. Still not quite used to it but got to admit, it is less bulk than the python. Making my way through my "ID" and sure enough Chet has been biting at the bait but still not quite hooked yet. I will shoot him a text and see about setting up another meet and greet.

I can only hope I don't need to fend off his hired goons. 20 minutes to the office and sure enough I get three responses. He can hardly wait to see me, hope the divorce gave me time to relax and so on. Man this guy is a complete jackoff.

Making friends with this buttmonkey aside, most of his offenses have been plea bargained out or he hasn't even been tried. What kind of trump card is he holding to be allowed to roam free and victimize women? His last case was handled with records. Hmm with records comes Chomsky. I dial up the good Sergeant and get a earful of why I am not married yet and maybe you need a better profession and so on and Chomsky tells me Baker had some larger fish he flipped on and it is still be decided if his testimony is worth the US Marshal service to put in WITSEC. Can't say I blame them, I wouldn't waste a piss on him if he was on fire let alone taxpaper money to keep him living large.

Not sure what the hold up on the trial is but I can assume he got into bed with characters even less savory than him, got pissed scared and ran to dear old Uncle Sam to bail him out. Now he is just stringing them along until they meet all his demands. That being said, whoever he is selling down the river is probably still looking for him and with no direct police protection the hired goons are making a bit more sense now. Looks like this ruckus was started a month ago. Hmm, I don't know the logistics of how long the Marshal Services take to decide to work with this slime.

So with any bit of luck this meet up will give me some dirt on the little weasel that no amount of Federal assistance will aid him. I meet up with Baker at Eddie V's. Dear God isn't it a bit early for cocktails? When in Rome I guess. I left the morning's five o' clock shadow on because with short cropped hair, it's attractive apparently to some. Yeah I am lazy and forgot to shave. West side past the bar, Chet and gunsels already seated and having brunch. Oh they aren't sitting with Chet but you would be a damn fool to think he is rolling without Mutt and Jeff. Hmm maybe Heckel and Jeckel. I came up in good spirits, grabbed a mimosa and had a pull of it.

"Hey, there he is. Grab a seat, Mr. Braddock. Let's brunch." Chet exclaimed with enthusiam of the trained con man. "Okay Chet. I will." God I want a shower with bleach after shaking his hand.

I reached in my pocket with enough speed that Moose almost went for his piece but remembered I'm one of those guys that gestures with my hands. Damn good reflexes though. Grabbing the phone and dick with the recorder and prep the trap. A few bites of an amazing omelette later, I pop the recording button like I am dismissing e-mail and start my inquiries. "So Chet, we were talking finances and I was on your site for about an hour. I guess I'm a doof because I really didn't get what this investment is about. Is this equity or off shore? You got to help me because I was drowning in legal gobbly gook." Chet snickers to himself. "Mr. Braddock. What I am about is investing time and money for you. Certain real estate perhaps. Maybe a club from the ground up. Flipping properties like a foreclosed condo. What you have to understand is I won't make as much as you but my time, effort and expertise won't be cheap either." Restraining from punching him in the balls I press on.

"Okay, I get that. What I am wondering is how does your system differ from any other real estate dealer. Condos are great but you can end up taking a bath on it if you don't watch the spending and man some of the flooring and the appliances can run obscene in no time." Chet sensed he may have a tougher sale, puts the wattage of his smile up to 7 and sips his mimosa before answering. "I get the concern, Mr. Braddock. I move in this town and I see plenty of guys looking to retire before 40 and they're scared to go all in. Nobody's asking that. If you got money to burn, that's great but it's not my style. My job is to work with the client's means, how much they want to invest and above all else make you happy with your returns."

Christ, this guy is good. This tape is getting me nothing.

"Look Mr. Braddock. If you want to put away funds in T bills or mutual funds, that's fine. I can just see you living better, hell living large with a few of the things we could do together." Trap is set for the mark. Yup, he is signaling for the check and getting up. "I've got a full day today, Mr. Braddock. You want to give this a go, you've got my number. I'll get the check." I let him sweat it out for 20 seconds. He is almost to the door and I come up to him a bit nervous, "Y'know what? Let's see what you can do for me." Chet beamed, "That's the spirit, Mr. Braddock. I'll call you tomorrow, bring you over to my place and show you a few options and then we will be celebrating in no time." I thanked him, shook hands and then he was off. Goons took another exit and came in behind him without drawing attention to anyone untrained.

Well shit. My recording netted me nothing more than another sucker falling for a con. No details on the record, no real game plan and no incriminating verbal evidence. Bet he sweeps for bugs at home. Welp, time to check car bug.

Got back to the Impala and tuned into the bug, hit record and hoped for the best. "Mr. Baker, dat guy seemed pretty desperate." Guessing that was Moose. Chet's overtly loved tones followed up with, "Yeah Garry, most men are too afraid to do what's necessary in life so they play it safe, dot their i's, cross their t's and never get a taste of the good life. Did you see his watch? It was an Omega." Chet basked in his observations before cluing Moose in more. "He's hungry, not too bright and looking to spread his wings. We'll give him the big show, he'll drop big in less than a month, hell probably right into home equity and then we fleece him for everything he's got."

Bingo. I just about shut the bug off when a gravelly voice spoke up. "I don't trust him. He's got a cop face." "Jimmy, you say that all the time. I appreciate you looking out for me but where's this coming from?" Jimmy felt the need to school Chet a bit further. "I'm telling you I have seen that guy before. He's trouble. Either ditch him the moment you get the money or we just bump him off now." Chet sounded like he was mulling over where to fish or cut bait. I started up the Impala and followed to stay in range. "You are as always a very keen observer of men, Jimmy. Tell you what. I'm going to give him the invite and if it looks like bacon and then we fry us up a little piggy. I got a place up the coast to drop his ass off if this deal goes south."

I snapped off the bug, saved the recording and e-mailed a copy to me and gave serious thought of sending it to Clancy or Chomsky so my body isn't with the fishes. I don't have enough to make a real case with the department but it is enough for a search warrant on their end. I decide to send it to the Cloud as well, allowing for a back log just in case.

I head back to the office with a warm glow you only really get after a great glass of scotch or that body rattling orgasm with the girl that gets you. Parking a block away from the joint my glow dimmed as I saw two suits in a Lincoln continental with Federal plates. Maybe they're here getting their teeth cleaned. From the level of sweat on their necks, they've been waiting awhile. I glanced down at my watch then made like I left my phone in the Impala. I got in and was starting the car when a tap, tap tap came rapping on my glass window. Well it wasn't a raven but a badge pressed about the window door. The thick necked, ex-military man looked right at me through his Rayban aviator glasses and said the dreaded phrase, "Turn off the car and step out of it please, Mr. Malone."

Oh yeah, this should be just ducky.

Favorite SG Episodes: The Tok'ra Part 1

Well it has been a while for this subject matter so no time like the present, eh? Welcome back to the blog and I thought I would work in a few Stargate SG-1 episodes. Among this week are some of my favorites so I thought I would share them with you all, my readers. If Stargate is not your cup of tea, well you will be disappointed with the week and I won't hold it against you. This is Stargate SG-1 Season 2: The Tok'ra Part 1

So I need to tinkle.

Yup a two-parter. You don't see many of those outside of science fiction or sci-fi fantasy.
After experiencing random memories from the deceased Jolinar, Carter has insight to tunnels created by the Tok'ra (an offshoot of the Gou'ald that share a true symbiotic relationship with their host), their guerilla warfare and tactical awareness. So much so, that SG-1 has a go to visit the coordinates of the nearby desert planet (I was unaware Vancouver had desert and bedrock) and before they can even fan out and do some recon, the team is surrounded by at least 8 would-be assailants with Jaffa sticks and Zat guns. Carter recognizes Martuf as someone Jolinar held in high regards and the ambush party reveal themselves to be members of the Tok'ra. Everyone manages to unclench and lower weapons and thank God because O' Neill was in a crouched position and that couldn't have been good for the knees.

Kind of reminds me of Planet Hell Star Trek set.

Invited to inner tunnels and sanctum, The Tok'ra proceed to evaluate the SG team confused as why a Jaffa is on their side and why Carter was once blended with Jolinar. Meanwhile Carter's father Jacob, decorated Air Force Colonel is dying of cancer. Yup wouldn't be a good drama without cancer. He knows that Sam is doing important work in Cheyenne Mountain but it is red taped classified and he knows she is not simply working on a satellite telemetry. When last they spoke he had pulled some strings to get her cleared for NASA and she blushed slightly and had to turn it down because of the importance of her work. Jacob and General Hammond go back quite awhile and he wants to know what Sam is really doing.

Meanwhile the Tok'ra are hard pressing the team for information and grating on O' Neill's nerves. This of course will lead him into a complex negotiations and diplomatic maneuvering. Oh wait, this is O' Neill. Yeah he'll get grumpy and snap at them like some irritable turtle. The Tok'ra explain that the human hosts and they exist together in one body. The hosts even speak for themselves trying to assure the SG team that they enjoy their blended lives, shared knowledge and overall experiencing one another in what anyone could viewing as two beings knowing each other completely and without shame or judgement.

Selmak their elder is dying with its host, the Tok'ra asks if any of the SG team wish to blend with Selmak to save her but of course the team passes that and explain they wish to add to each others strength and form an alliance. The Tok'ra are cagey, paranoid and with good reason. Their mere existence is an affront to the Goa'uld as much as they to them and they have only stayed alive through covert attacks and tactical planning. The team is being held in the tunnels until the Tok'ra can decide whether or not they can be trusted.

Ahhh Hell Dimension!!

With Sam millions of light years away, she is unaware her father is dying. Hey how do we ratchet up that drama? How about a Tok'ra acting shifty? Maybe even possessing one of those long range Goa'uld communications orbs?

Will the alliance be over before it begins?? Can the Gou'ald find the Tok'ra before they can escape?? Will O' Neill be insufferable??

As this episode leads out on a cliff hanger I guess you will have to wait until tomorrow for the continuation. Directed by Brad Turner (Homeland, Hawaii Five-0, 24, Alacatraz, Transporter, The Vampire Diaries, Psych, Stalker, Legends, Daredevil, Falling Skies and Wayward Pines) a seasoned TV director and producer brings his "A" game to all his work and it truly speaks for itself. This episode brings not only a turning point for the SG teams but the beginning of a much larger universe and species for humans to interact with.

Sitting on this rock is gonna be hell on my roids.