Blog#350!!!! Vampire Grab Bag Week: The Kiss of the Vampire

Wow we have arrived at 350 blogs already!  That is simply amazing.

Howdy all and apologies for not starting Day 3 of Vampire Grab Bag Week yesterday.  A different sleep schedule threw me off so clearly there is no reason why we don’t excavate another title out of the bag today.  How about another Hammer vampire film but without Christopher Lee?  Balderdash you might say and many would agree as this was intended to be the third Dracula but the story got mangled and garbled to no end in sight completely detracting the whole Dracula standing and was made a standalone vampire movie.  So grab your cross, holy water, garlic and perhaps a good axe or falchion.  This is The Kiss of the Vampire.

 

Pardon, the three bean salad backfired.

Servant: You keep away from here, or we’ll set the spoilers on you!

Thankfully with no association with the Karnstein trilogy our story takes place not in Austria but in the far mountain range of Bavaria, Germany.  Vampires dig chocolate don’t you know.    Our young honeymooning couple having just arrived in this warm inviting village runs in a spot of bad luck to have their car breakdown at the most inopportune time.  Gerald (Edward De Souza of The Phantom of the Opera, The Mill on the Floss, Doctor Who, Mogul and The Spy Who Loved Me) and Marianne Harcourt (Jennifer Daniel of The Reptile, The Vortex, People Like Us, The Collectors and Love Is All There Is) are quite annoyed as they are out of gas and have no means for AAA so Gerald legs it after leaving his bride with the luggage to the nearest village in the hopes for a tow or gasoline to carry.  Young Marianne feels as though she is being spied on and finally can bare it no more, flees the car and heads towards the village about a half hour behind her husband.  A craggily old man channels his best Crazy Ralph impression and warns her to stay far away from the cast and to leave the area ASAP, PDQ and give it wings.

Slow it down kids, you're British so no emotions needed.

As predicted the tiny village being so isolated has no gas station to speak of but a brawny fellow helps Gerald with the car and the pair stay in a small inn ran by a little elderly couple that seem overtly superstitious and not very friendly.  Travel Book guide says it is worse than Motel Hell or the accommodations of Eaten Alive.     One of the local girls died prior and a funeral is being held; not be for a shabbily dressed fellow named Professor Zimmer flips her coffin lid and stakes her.  A blood curdling shriek omits from the coffin followed but a geyser of blood erupts from the corpse.

Keeping true Dracula standing a coachman arrives from the local squire informing them of the castle’s hospitality for stranded travelers.  Yes that castle they have been warned off from.  So of course our nitwits head there for turning down such an invitation would be the height of bad manners.  The locals shake and scratch their heads at the sheer bravado/stupidity of the couple and pray for their very souls.

So what to take away from this film?  Well apparently vampire cult and Satanism are one and the same as it was with the Karnstein Trilogy, this entire town somehow thrives in spite of vampire raids every so often and oh yes let us warn newcomers but not give them the full skinny. The rubber bats were killing me, I could not stop laughing. The day for night shots were predictably painful to stare at.  Not a bad film but hardly a great one.  

Vampire Tango of Terror!!!

Vampire Grab Bag Week: Lust For A Vampire

Day 2 of the Vampire Grab Bag Week is upon us!   I bring us to the continuation of the Karnstein Trilogy.  A film that has many a buxom young lady, many an overtly drawn out scene, late night nude swims and creepy eyed men that almost hit the caliber of Christopher Lee but not quite and yes once again implied lesbian themes.   It seems Hammer was desperate to keep bottoms in the theater seats so clearly scantily clad females or topless ones will grasp the notice of many a horndog man.  So get your torches, blades and stakes for the vampiress is on the loose.  This is Lust for a Vampire.

School lunch program looks good to me!

You too will fall under the spoiler of Mircalla and then you will be damned for all eternity!

Once again an adaptation of Sheridan Le Fanu’s Carmilla is being created by Hammer Films by writer Tudor Gates (Death Is a Good Living, Better a Widow, Danger: Diabolik, Barbarella, The Vampire Lovers, Fright and Twins of Evil) showcases the depravity that lurks inside us all but especially young, prim and proper schoolgirls?   Not far from the uninhabited Castle Karnstein is a proper school for young girls that have been beseeched by black magic, Satanism and vampires.  An accomplished writer Richard Lestrange (Michael Johnson of The Human Jungle, Anne of a the Thousand Days, Homebodies, Crown Court and Perfect Scoundrels), a horror novelist is doing research for his next novel and the local villagers are warning him off from the Castle Karnstein and speak of every 40 years an unspeakable evil lurks through the land in the form of a vampire.  The legends speak of the sacrifice of an innocent blood to resurrect their wicked ancestors and bring for an age of darkness.

No I am not Paul McGann.

The local school houses an ancient vampiress now unbeknownst to all except for a few.  Yes this vampiress can WALK IN THE DAYLIGHT, be awake at all hours and seduces with a glance.   A young school girl Mircalla (Yutte Stensgaard Denmark nude model of The Girl with a Pistol, The Love Factor, Some Girls Do, Carry on Again Doctor, Scream and Scream Again and Doctor in Trouble) is perplexed to classmates missing, a local girl in town and even a teacher seems to have had a “heart attack” but her current attentions are on Lestrange as he has replaced the English instructor for this school and they both cannot cope with their feelings for one another.   

Yes now I must nitpick a bit about this film.  While this reign of terror is about; this would seem the ample time for copious amount of nudity, a over the top love scene where the orgasm brings Yutte to a cross eyed response to the tune of a tripe pop song entitled Strange Love.  This movie feels as though it stems away from the dignity of the Hammer Legacy and feels like the movie was rushed together providing far too much unexplained and how the royals move about without anyone questioning them at all.  They did not have any royal guards to speak of so revolting villagers could not have been thwarted in any sense of the manner.  There was more fog in this movie that John Carpenter’s The Fog and its remake combined, our blood looked garishly red and my god there were more heaving bosoms in this flick to rival soft core pornography.

Zombies? In the lake?? Heavens!

   

Vampire Grab Bag Week: Twins of Evil

Greetings all and a hearty welcome to Day 1 of the Vampire Grab Bag Week in the hopes we get some fun titles.  This week I just go on IMDB.com and randomly snag a vampire title and hope for the best.  Here is hoping we don’t end up with another Zombie Lake scenario because that was simply disturbing.  Today I chose a Hammer title so it will be a 50/50 chance of a classic to a blatant soft core naughty.  Fingers crossed we get a winner so let’s prep those crucifix; keep a torch handy and maybe a decent short sword for beheadings.  This is Twins of Evil.

If only I knew where my TARDIS was!

The Brotherhood is dedicated in eradicating spoilers throughout the world!

Part 3 of the Karnstein Trilogy produced by the Hammer Films, these films are named such as the vampires of the Karnstein family as their title seats at Castle Karnstein in Styria Austria and the flicks always seem to have a lesbian theme similar to its predecessors The Vampire Lovers and Lust for a Vampire.   Boy I sure can pick them.

Maria and Frieda Gellhorn (Mary and Madeleine Collinson the first identical twin Playmate sisters from October 1970) are recently orphaned teenage girls forced to move from the charming Venice to Karnstein to live with their astringent uncle Gustav Weil (Peter Cushing of Horror of Dracula, The Curse of Frankenstein, The Brides of Dracula, Dr. Who and the Daleks, Frankenstein Created Woman, Star Wars and Shock Waves) a puritan and leader of the Brotherhood, a collective of bible thumpers and witch hunters.  Both girls are less than thrilled with their new living conditions and contemplating escape.  Count Karnstein (Damien Thomas of The Message, Shogun, Pirates and Wish Me Luck and House of Cards) holds the Emperor’s ear and favor and has not fallen under sway of the Brotherhood and follows a far darker path of Satanism. 

A double pleasure's waiting for you...

To gain greater power the Count slays a girl for human sacrifice to bring forth his ancestor Countess Mircalla Karenstein (Katya Wyeth of Inspector Clouseau, A Clockwork Orange, Straight on Till Morning, Got It Made, Barry McKenzie Holds His Own and I’m Not Feeling Myself Tonight) from her grave and make him a vampire as well.   Imbued with his new found power our Count sets his sights on the lovely Frieda and Maria becomes smitten by her teacher Anton (David Warbeck of Hunter of the Apocalypse, The Black Cat, The Beyond, Sudden Fury and Razor Blade Smile).   While Frieda is tempted by darkness with the Count, Maria has a sweet innocent love blossoming with Anton.  Will these two girls ever be the same again?

Yes I have a few points to be made about the film.  Yes fellas there is more eye candy than a Playboy party, a fair degree of nudity and once again ladies yes you are getting snubbed on strapping fellows with the exception of the Count and Anton.  Granted there could be hot and bothered Peter Cushing fans but I have not met the like.  Acclaimed film critic Leonard Maltin attempted to give this film two and a half stars as the Collinson twins were very lovely and engaging in spite of their voices being dubbed in.  

My, your breasts are lovely in the torchlight.

Vampire Grab Bag Week

Hello again folks.  A lot going on the week as I attempt to get Rotten Reelz Ramblings funding up and running but clearly I picked the worse time of the year.   This week I thought we search high and low on yet another facet of the undead.  This time around I thought we would grab some random vampire titles and hope for the best and prep for the worst.

TRIPLE ESPRESSOS ARE FANTASTIC!!!!

I haven't got a chance to sift through some titles in a while and frankly this is good as any week. I hope we are in for a treat rather than me wincing from horrendous plots, wooden acting and men and women clearly there solely based on looks rather than talent.

Eurozombie Week: La Horde

Hello all and welcome the last day of the Eurozombie Week and thankfully I managed to find a gem in all this muck.  Yes after a bit of research into the subject matter I can honestly say I have found a Eurohorror zombie film that is easily better than Zombie Lake and Oasis of the Zombies. I knew it was out there and all I had to do was wade hip deep in the depths of mediocrity and the movie appeared like a beacon of hope to the genre.  So strap on…your pistols.  Grab some food and booze of course and welcome to the night that knows little to no end.  This is La Horde.

Filthy Jacque won't stand for this.

Kim: This is spoiler Jimmy, we don’t have to do this…

Our movie opens with a bit of CGI drama laid ruins and a bald headed man roaming about, following up with the flashback sequence of the rest of the movie.  Yes it is a bit of a cliché film starter but it does pick up.  A crew of crooked cops plans to hit these ruthless gang bangers for blowing away one of their own.  Their badges mean nothing on this aggressive vigilante act and they full well know it.    They are not looking for the law but good old fashion street justice.  Our boys pimp slap their boys, fights of gun and fist break out in this building the bangers are holding up in.  

Man, Black Fridays are brutal!

Meanwhile outside of this building; explosions are seen and heard, sirens are screeching and insane garbled rabble is running about the streets.  You know, Black Friday in the states.  Our cops and robbers stop their reindeer games long enough to find out what is going on outside and are terrified to see the very building they are in is under siege (starring Steven Segal) a giant mob of the flesh rendering zombies.  Our collective groups have to team up to fend the zombies off long enough to find an exit from the building.    Just a reminder to those curious that this film is insanely graphic, a large grab bag of gore gags, some fast paced camera and editing so photophobics may want to bow out now.   Also these are not your Romero disarrayed zombies ambling along and stumble on a fleeing human zombie.  These suckers are adrenaline fueled, fast clip moving uber zombies that claw, tear and rend anything and everything until they get their bellies full of that sweet delicious flesh.  YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

I had a quick few highlights about the film and crew.  Our director/writer/actor Yannick Dahan pulled off his very first full-length film with impressive hand held work, dolly tracked hallways and even a few crane shots for scope.   His best friend writer/ documenter Arnaud Bordas (Maniac: Carnage culte, Our New Wave and CinemApocalypse) forged a series of vapid expressions and stale sayings with overdone concepts and still manage to produce a horrific vision of desperation, human frailty and uneasy alliances for self-preservation.    While the fullness of the impeding apocalypse was not rendered as well as I would have liked it to be, the movie does establish mass hysteria, rioting and utter chaos brought to us by this wave of undead.  

Soo...cocktails gonna happen or what?

Eurozombie Week: Oasis of the Zombies

Welcome back campers to another heaping pile of Eurozombie Week and boy this one might be an actual improvement over Zombie Lake.  That being said watching paint dry and observing how many dead bugs end up on your window sill could also be definitely more entertaining than Zombie Lake.  Our current feature also gives prominence to shambling legions of the former living Third Reich.  Apparently Eurohorror loved their Nazi zombies cause they are the only creatures you feel good twice blowing away.  So grab your hiking gear, get a guide that speaks the language and yours and head off to adventure.  This is Oasis of the Zombies.

Hmm zombies devouring or humans rutting?

Nazi zombies are de craziest spoilers!!!

Our incoherent story telling starts off in the trusty hands of Jesus Franco (AGAIN???!!!) which opens towards the end of World War II in the African desert as a battalion worth of men are hauling gold bullion across the outstretched desert for safe keeping I guess, when they are ambushed by Allied soldiers.  Riddled with bullets and left in the sands to rot, only one surviving member of that Allied snipe hunt is still alive.  50 years later Robert Blabert (Manuel Gelin of One Deadly Summer, Joy, Venus and Formula I) who blaberts to a former SS Colonel turned treasure hunter about the gold.   Colonel Meitzell (Eduardo Fajardo of Tizoc, Django, The Four Musketeers: Milady’s Revenge and The Brother from Space) rewards Blabert by having him killed and proceeds to map out the location where the treasure is hidden.  Yeah the colonel is that cold, folks it is staggering how he can tell whether he has sent a man to his death or ordered to have his shirts laundered.  

Ahh!! I twisted my ankle, fell in a prairie dog hole and fulfilled a stereotype women hate!!!

Robert’s son Captain Blabert (Javier Maiza of I Do Not Forgive…I Kill!, White Comanche,  and Diamonds of Kilimandjaro) hears word that his father had died under mysterious circumstances, realizes it must be the treasure his father spoke often of and sets out to find it himself.  For some inane reason this gathering of studying college of archeologists and their professor also know of the treasure and proceed out after it as well.  Enter our jiggly girls to the fray.  Yes ladies I know it is a less than flattering title I have given this particular archetype of female portrayal but you will find it apt.   For instance; rather than keeping quiet and skulking away from the danger, they choose to shrill at the top of their lungs and run rampantly in the wrong direction under the cover of day for night shots. 

A few critiques on the film as it was shot on 35mm Spherical via Eastmancolor and sadly the day for night shots were so bad you had a hard time making out actors, who the hell is being dubbed and what was zombie and what was human.  I found this to be lengthy, choppy, poorly executed from the writing to the miniscule budget it was given, this had no real redeeming value other than it was NOT Zombie Lake. 

Guys, I don't see the Field of Dreams anywhere.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving to my readers, friends and family on this Turkey day and let's hope folks get to spend a little time with family and friends this holiday.   Suffice to say I am not a huge Black Friday fan.