Mansion of the Living Dead

What's this? A gaggle of jiggly girls that work at a topless bar? A vacation that may go awry? Gobsmack oodles of nudity, all with a horror theme? Why this has to be the work of prolific pornographer/hardcore/softcore and horror erotica, Jesus Franco (White Skin Black Thighs, Ilsa, the Wicked Warden, Kiss Me Killer, Voodoo Passion, Wicked Women, Women in Cellblock 9, Cannibal Terror Hellhole Women, Zombie Lake. Oasis of the Zombies and Alone Against Terror). 

Quick question, who in the nine hells requested me to review this??  Well, I suppose it won't be too painful.   This is Mansion of the Living Dead. 

 

The blocking is this way. Hoist those bewbs, girls.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Given the references of Blind Dead characters, I am guessing some folk are feeling this is somehow linked to the Amando de Ossorio's Blind Dead quadrilogy. SPOILERS! It's not. I have a feeling whoever requested it, full-on knew it! Yeah I'm a bit irked. 

We open with monks vacating a monastery in orderly fashion.Why they are wearing masks left over from the last Day of the Dead festival, no clue. And then they buggered off.

 Four colleagues, Lea (Mari Carmen Nieto of Mansion of the Living Dead, Diamonds of Kilimandjaro, Blood on My Shoes, Alone Against Terror, The Sexual Story of O, Night Has a Thousand Desires, Lilian and Una rajita para dos), the constantly randy Caty (Elisa Vela of Mansion of the Living Dead, Confesiones intimas de una exhibicionista, Cries of Pleasure and Fury in the Tropics), ditzy Mabel (Mabel Escano of La promesa, Las camareras, Foul Play, Curro Jimenez, Cabo de vara, Mi adultero esposo and The National Mummy) and lovely Candy (Lina Romay of Female Vampire, Mansion of the Living Dead, Pick-Up Girls, Oasis of the Zombies, Night of Open Sex, Revenge in the House of Usher, Diamonds of Kilimandjaro,White Cannibal Queen,Fury in the Tropics and Angel of Death) all work at the same topless bar and have a fairly tight knit relationship. None of that back stabbing, trying to steal clients away from one another. 

 I was stunned to see the girls arriving in what I believe was Franco's fetish: Terrycloth Shorty shorts and high heels. The women in his flicks do seem to almost always wearing them. 

 They apparently really put their backs into work that they need a weekend away from Munich and off to Gran Canaria or the Canary Islands via Spain for those unaware of the region. With the recommendation of the travel agency, the girls went to a dream hotel right next to the beach is all the girls could hope for.  Given this is an 80s Italian horror jiggly film, they'll need penis and booze before they are sated. 

 

They are the Monks, the Loneliest Monks. huh?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The place seems completely deserted and yet none of these girls' survival instincts are kicking in? And by deserted, I mean the town in question. With all their collective giggling and jiggling, they really hadn't noticed how empty the town appears to be, scoff at it as everyone must be at the beach.  A building with more than 300 rooms, the streets on the way to said hotel and COMPLETELY DEVOID OF LIFE!!!  Oh I know, they're probably all at the beach. Yes this line is used over 5 times! WAKE UP!!! You're in a bad Twilight Zone episode, your lives are forfeit if you don't act now!!  

With the only person about, the regional manager Carlos Savonarola (Antonio Mayans of Emmanuelle y Carol, White Cannibal Queen, Cannibal Terror, Hellhole Women, Zombie Lake, Pick-Up Girls, Emmanuelle Exposed, Revenge in the House of Usher, Alone Against Terror, The Panther Squad, Angel of Death and Fury in the Tropics) is giving the ladies the grand tour and leads them all to their rooms. Oh wait, no he doesn't. He gives them their keys and vague directions to their room. Prick.  Ladies reading this blog, he is giving either a lecherous eye or a full-on John Carradine creeper eye. Whichever it may be, you'd mace him, knee him in the balls and run, right? 

 

Udo Walken: for all your creeper needs.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The guy looks like a hybrid of Udo Kier and Christopher Walken. Stranger Danger!!!  There are more than 600 rooms, but Udo Walken wants the lot of you on other ends of the quad. They're booked solid. Really? Are you? Show me these people! Show me their cars, trucks, jeeps, Hell even those fruity little scooters! SHOW ME EVERYONE!!! 

 By this point, the girls should be hitting him with heavy objects and running for their lives.  Also, what the hell, German travel agency?   This hotel pay you in blood money?  5,000 deutch marks just get slipped your way every month?  Was the ramshackle hotel in Eaten Alive booked?  Thank goodness. That way the girls don't die via crocodile and the Lord's will.   Guess the girls will be bummed knowing that they could have been with Buck and he likes to...fornicate. Yeah this is still a PG-13 blog, get over it.   Could have made a stop-off at Motel Hell as well.  Farmer Vincent always sets a nice table. 

 

And now my friends, I must appease the male horndog readers. YUP nudity. Buckets of it! Faux lesbian scenes, tanning topless scenes, shower scenes, solo scenes, so much nudity you will forget this is a horror film. Sorry ladies. I felt you should be warned and it starts at the 8 minute and 37 second mark, which is a bit of restraint of Franco's behalf. Just going by Zombie Lake and Oasis of the Zombies time slot for jiggly tits getting freed. 

 Shot in Panavision, the sound is sadly in mono, so it dips in and out. Probably an effect corrected with an updated DVD or Blu-Ray version. Sadly, my POS viewing was the direct from VHS to DVD so no one cleaned up the picture or sound. Yay me!  I also have the English subtitle not the English dubbed version. 

What does faux lesbian mean?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This movie is an hour and 37 minutes long and you feel every swing of the pendulum like the Sword of Damocles hanging over your tacky head. Also a wide-screen version. Not even sure if this wasn't also a video error via compression. 

 Is this a worthwhile film? No. Is there any justifiable reason for watching it? No. Look, if you're horny, there's ridiculous amounts of porn. I'm not judging. These characters are simply too stupid to be alive. They would have been hit by buses, fallen through a uncovered manhole, a sandstorm would have stripped their flesh off. A plague of locusts would have eaten their bits. What I am getting at is, they are less than believable as human beings. I am surprised they don't have to remind each other to breathe in and out.

 We get past the 8 minute mark, the girls are either fooling around with one another, roaming topless or engaged in their faux lesbian shenanigans. 

The plot is more micro-thin than a spandex thong! What's the plot? I'll help you. Titty. Character development? How titties are doing. Character death? Whose titties are no longer available. Potential evil killer cult? Dislikes titties. 

 Yeah I really could have done without this flick. PLEASE STOP asking for Jesus Franco film reviews! I beg you!

Hi. We're here for the Scream audition.

 

Psycho Santa

Hello Readers! Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Gracious Kwanzai and Happy Life Day!!!

As I have been writing freelance I have been away from the blog for some time. It has been requested by a few fans that we need a Christmas horror movie review. I shudder to think that people actually still read this blog but no accounting for taste I suppose.

Today's movie will be no exception in taste, poise and grace. We delve into an anthology of horror that we are supposed to occur in this region of three tales that are loosely linked to one another. This is Psycho Santa.

 

Santa's got no time for chimneys!

 

 

 

 

 

Filmed via DV tape brought to us This Is Not a Dream Productions. We have a girl roaming a junkyard as she's being pursued by a guy in a Santa suit with a serrated blade and then credits. Thought we are getting our first kill and...credits. Cut to couple Ron and Jess as they prepare to go to a Christmas party but Ron seems to have a lack of enthusiasm...for the party, life, his marriage. Seriously his performance is more wooden than a pine tree.

Ron (Jeff Samford of Psycho Santa and Dead Clowns) and Jess (Michelle Samford of Cadaver Bay and Psycho Santa) start the typical unhappy married couple banter of complaining on how long she takes to get ready and how awful his sweater is. I was hoping for a Kane Hodder smash through the window and gack them both. C'mon, doesn't anyone want to see Kane Hodder decked out as a Santa murdering a bickering couple, dressed as a mall Santa? Instead we are treated to public domain Santa cartoon as Ron gets off his ass to load up in the truck, where he can continue to bitch about the length of the drive out into the boonies to party with HIS BEST FRIENDS. Yeah, he's filled with Christmas cheer. Ron sensing Jess is not thrilled with his shitball attitude, lightens the mood telling her a story of a series of murder in the neighborhood during Christmas of a nutter in a Santa suit. Yup, that will ease the tension. Guess he didn't know enough cannibal jokes, small talk or anything of actual use. Just put on the radio, doughy boy!

 

 

 

 

 

 

So three girls meet up at a cabin every Christmas and I guess engage with each other, sacrifice a reindeer to their dark lord and master or just have to fulfill a nudity film clause. A Psycho Santa Clause! Trust me, that is a better joke than I heard in this movie. Two of the girls arrive earlier and their friend Sarah doesn't appear to be at the house yet but all the presents are around the tree. So clearly one of them needs a long shower scene to show off her multiple piercings. PLOT POINT! After her shower, she and other girl. I'm not even being a jerk, they never call each other by their names and IMDB lists them both as Sarah's friend. WTF??!! One of the girls goes outside to get three rocks while the clearly dye job redhead showers. This goes on for more than 4 minutes splicing rock finder's searching b-roll footage with sleazy, poorly lit shower b-roll footage propelling me into a sense of utter boredom. Clearly it is time to get in our Fredricks of Hollywood lingerie, telling ghost stories, listening to bought music and half-ass dance. Because Christmas.

We get Ron explaining what could have been done with a few cut scenes but nope this film tells you the killer came in, killed Sarah, wrapped a few parts in Christmas boxes and did the same to the two girls. Now while that would have been mildly gruesome, you place a box over one of the girls' heads, put some tissue in to cover the hole and put the box lid over it. End scene. We got none of that. I have to hear everything from crappy ghost story, how they danced, collected rocks and DID NOT even worry about Sarah still not being there but get to the potential creepy gore scenes and that's just given to us via derpy Ron's exposition. What in the nine hells, movie?

Our next story involves a couple of burglars and are they a crackerjack team. By that, I think they were freaking out on sugar and caramel corn. Taking close to 2 minutes to pick the locks, our burglars lit by the street lamps and instead of going through the back door, best to be out front looking very obvious as burglars. Makes me wonder if they even had permits to film and the cops got called on them. That would have been entertaining hearing these two cry out, "We're making a movie! God please don't shoot us!"

No gloves for this crack team of pros as they go for the picture of the safe. Yeah they couldn't even go to a place with a safe, so they printed out a picture of a safe to represent the safe. If we turn off a few lights it will, still look like picture of a safe. Our homeowner is blind and thus cannot see the two in the house, in spite she still has ears, a nose smelling their B.O.and in general the rest of her senses are heightened. Secretly she's an attorney by day but by night she's Daredevil.  

 

Santa is burning calories.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bumble-some burglars decide to drown her in her bathtub because she could have identified them to the cops. She walked right by them as they were boosting her stuff. They were perfectly safe. Locked in a closet, blind woman had a loony locked away and now he's loose with a craving for blood. No, not really. Burglar #2 gets offscreened to death and with a crap green filter on the camera we see Burglar #1 speared in the eye with a candy cane sign. With no screams, minor blood and a crap orchestral music. Chilling. Hubby of blind woman drops plot point to officer in charge that Chris was locked away for being a naughty boy but the whacko basket. Sorry, sorry. I mean insane asylum was conveniently burned down and everyone assumed Chris burned up with it. How he got the gasoline to do this or his murder sign is a mystery.  Yup, no arson case follow-up for this building, just head up ass vision on how real life operates. Yes, this movie makes Christmas Evil seem as thrilling and scary as The Exorcist.

Chris has apparently broken into a random woman's house, due to poor continuity he somehow teleported behind said woman, which means he had to come in through the bathroom with no windows. Maybe he came up through the crapper, much like most of this film. No actual death scene but girl flops on bed with a head wound. You are making Bloody Murder 1 look like a Friday the 13^th, movie!  Then it's day time and Chris Santa kills a random kid in the woods but at least we got to see that death scene. 

 

Between the lack of blocking, direction, audio corrections, proper editing this looks like a high-schooler's attempt at directing a horror film. None of these stories lineup well and it is a lot of details that Ron would never have had available because police would have squashed the information on a on-going investigation.  The perfect plot twist would be Ron is actually Chris but then we would have required Ron to "act" and that is asking far too much. So they have gas issues, Ron farted in the truck or they hit a reindeer, they have to stop the truck. Shocking Chris kills them.

There's no creativity, mystery, suspense or even intrigue for this movie. POV shots were fair but the camera made enough noise that it drowns the audio. The actors couldn't care less about the project and their performances illustrate that mindset.

I would rather watch paint dry or be forced to edit Barney the Dinosaur episodes. The only thing this film is good for is examples how to not recreate this movie.

 

Sure hope my shower isn't interrupted with murder.

Night of the Animated Dead

 Howdy readers of the Rotten! Well we are almost to Halloween and I have had some scouring for different titles and bizarre stories, when I came across this interesting little gem. Due to losing all rights to his own intellectual property; the late George Romero (Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead, Day of the Dead, Knightriders, Creepshow, The Dark Half and Land of the Dead) spawned a tremendous love for the zombie horror sub-genre. Many have used this same time over and over as homage or a means to get their feet wet in the industry with these gore-fueled nightmares. Hemisphere Entertainment throws their hat in the ring with an animated retelling of the 1968 cult classic with accomplished and enthusiastic voice cast, bringing us back to that terrifying night. This is Night of the Animated Dead. 

 

Mob of zombies or disgruntled Packers fans?

 

 

 

 

 

With classic hand drawn cells vs the 3-D CGI 2012 creation, the movie unfolds in that faithful cemetery visit to the grave with Barbara (Katherine Isabelle of Ginger Snaps, Carrie, Stargate SG-1, Freddy Vs Jason, Sanctuary, Supernatural, 30 Days of Night: Dark Days, American Mary and The Green Sea) and anal retentive grump brother, Johnny (Jimmi Simpson of Loser, Rose Red, D.E.B.S., Seraphim Falls, Date Night, Abraham Lincoln:Vampire Hunter, Westworld and Shriver) who winges on about the drive, how it has ruined his Sunday and in general, being an ass.

No sooner has the wreath been delivered and prayers been said, Barbara is nearly assaulted by a zombie who Johnny attempts to body check, only to crack his coconut on a marble slab (First one of you shouts spoilers, I would point out this is plot based from the 1968 original) and he is down for the count. Barbara makes her way on foot to a seemingly empty farmhouse for shelter, only to run into some more gruesome ghoulies. 

 

Well, it's either zombies or beaver pelt smells.

 

 

 

 

 

Enter Ben (Dule Hill of Sugar Hill, Color of Justice, She's All That, The Guardian, Miss Dial, Pysch, Doubt, Psych: The Movie, Suits, Psych 2: Lassie Come Home, Hypnotic, Muppet Babies and Psych 3: This Is Gus). Our tall, gruff protagonist that whoops some undead ass, secures the house and gets Barbara to realize the object danger that she is in. With meager barricades, a few Zeds violently dispatched, Ben tries to reason with Barbara on their level of supplies, weapons and the fact this house is littered with wood scraps. Previous owner must have died from sheer exhaustion, collecting all these wood scraps. Or this house momentarily belonged to a family of beavers. Take your pick. Make no mistake, folks. This sucker is rated R for the zombie gore. We're in a medium allowing more visual and visceral goings on. 

 

Pep Boys' sales pitch just not working.

 

 

 

 

 

There are differences to be sure. Case in point, we actually get a flashback with Ben making his way from town.  Good ole Beakman's Diner turned into a slaughterhouse but ZERO CRICKETS CHIRPING, so I was already thrilled to see and hear this.  Naturally our four additional survivors make their way up from the cellar and we get the smattering of dialogue expected.  While I am a huge Josh Duhamel (Win a Date With Tad Hamilton!, Crossing Jordan, Las Vegas, When In Rome, Movie 43, Safe Haven, Battle Creek, ) fan , I loved how Karl Hardman's Harry Cooper sounded like a pissed off 1930s radio announcer.  Sorry Josh. 

 

Bad table manners! Bad girl!

 

 

 

 

 

Whether or not Mr. Cooper will hang with us, we have his wife Helen ( Nancy Travis of Three Men and a Baby, The Vanishing, So I Married An Axe Murderer, Greedy, Duckman, Almost Perfect, Becker, The Bill Engvall Show, Rose Red, Married Young and Last Man Standing) and hapless (not to mention brainless )couple Judy (Katee Sackoff of Battlestar Galactica, Halloween: Resurrection, Oculus, Call of Duty: Black Ops III, Don't Knock Twice, Longmire, The Flash, Star Wars Rebels, The Mandalorian, Robot Chicken and Another Life) and Tom (Jame Roday Rodriguez of First Years, Providence, Miss Match, The Dukes of Hazzard, Psych, WWE Raw, Baby,Baby, Baby, Christmas Eve, Pushing Dead, Psych: The Movie, Buddy Games, Psych 2 Lassie Come Home, A Million Little Things and Psych 3: This Is Gus)

And yes Psych fans, both Shawn and Gus are voicing in this. Yeah I got a good laugh too.

The animation style is similar to an era like the Super Powers days...only with tons of flesh rending and blood caked gore. Great voice work overall and clearly this was done with a certain amount of passion for the subject matter. Grey matter that is.

Ultimately this is a love letter to the Godfather of the zombies, cherishing the original and another version of what you have already seen in the black and white. We're not breaking new ground but it's not meant to. It is meant to showcase some animation talent and voice cast credentials. For the haters that complain the pace is too slow, it's duplicating the formula on how certain film was striding in the day. I guess folk born after 1985 are unfamiliar without a film not relying on an ass-load of jump scares and two-dimensional, douche dialogue.

At 71 minutes, the flick delivers what it set out to do and I had fun making cartoon references and riffs throughout the movie, but I do that kind of crap through "A-list"cinema as well. Grab it for a goof, surprise people with this dark cartoon. Hell, make a drinking game out of it. I had a blast with it. 

 So here's to retouching on a cult classic. Keep an ear out for MAD TV and Sh*t My Dad Says alumni,Will Sasso as the Sheriff. The man can deliver.

FYI, watch the Riff Trax version of the original Night of the Living Dead. You enjoy the snark and riffs.

Bit overkill for this squirrel hunt, Sheriff.

 

Horrortales.666 Part 2

 Hey there, Readers of the Rotten! I was requested by producer/writer/actor/director Phil Herman (Hell on Earth II: The Arena of Death, Burglar from Hell, Tales for the Midnight Hour, HorrorTales.666, Into the Woods,Sickened and Morbid Stories) with C Word Productions (Lycanimator, Slimoids, Ouija Mummy and Hey Alice) along with production of cult and B movies, The Sleaze Box (Amerikan Holokaust, Cannibal Claus, Chaso A.D., Death-Scort Service, and Earth Girls Are Sleazy) to give today's movie a gander.

This would be an indie horror anthology. I know that sounds so unusual on my blog he said sarcastically, but I am more than willing to give it an objective view.  All kidding aside, our story starts with a burglar breaking into the wrong house with the promise of Hell or journey through dark tales. This is HorrorTales.666 Part 2.

 

Do farts have lumps?

 

 

 

 

 

Our movie opens with a dedication to the late, great Scream Queen Julie Strain (136 films) who passed away in January this year and graced the original film with her role. Our credits with a speed metal number unveiling what is to come but offers no insight to what the film is going to be about. I like that as it gives some suspense, instead of those indie films that use footage of the movie and basically give you a barrage of spoilers you didn't ask for and ruins the overall vibe of the film. A quick text side scroll tells us the burglar is back from the previous film, giving a highlight of what occurred last time.

18 years prior, a burglar (Joel D. Wynkoop of Wicked Games, Creep, Addicted to Murder: Tainted Blood, Scary Tales, Evil Tales 3: The Final Chapter, HorrorTales.666, Before I Die, Joel D. Wynkoop's the Bite and Always Midnight) snuck into a house, found a computer loaded for taboo stories of darkness and he couldn't look away, reading one after the other. That's how he got pinched the first time. . 18 years later, that same burglar broke into yet another house with more disturbing stories for his reading pleasure. The nagging wife is driving him crackers about getting a job. Yeah because viable work is always available to ex-cons. There's...convenience store clerk after midnight, um...collecting recycling as early as 5 a.m. , maybe mopper at the nudey booths. Okay petty thievery may be his best option. 

 

Heckraiser.

 

 

 

 

 

 

However, this time an actual threat appears in the form of a deranged voice and then he manifests into...well either a rocker or possibly an evil hippie devil. (director/writer/producer/actor Jaysen Buterin of Monster X, Strange Events 2, Kill Giggles, Doctor Who: The Ginger Chronicles, Bombshell Bloodbath, Fix It in Post and Hellarious) Our devil taunts him, giving him the choice. Creepy as hell stories or the eternal agony of Hell itself. With as many options as a fish and chip shop, our burglar sits down for another round of terror induced tales.

Our first story is Open House. No doubt a happy couple trying to get a home of their own and something goes awry. Yes, yes I know. Jake, don't be so pessimistic. An absolute doll of a girl is busying herself with some arts and crafts...while two bodies are laying slump and had plastic bags used on them. Yes, I think we should question the little girl too but I am not sure if she didn't have anything to do with it.   In walks a shrouded killer who merely glances at the little girl and walks out. Yup she'll be fine.  A few inexpiable homicides, serious psychotherapy, eh she'll bounce right back.

Well, don't eat Taco Bell.

 

 

 

 

 Sue (Noellie Burger of Matthew and Ophelia's Wonderful World of Fun, Social Distance, Massacre Academy and 13 Fanboy)the new realtor has been tasked to get that property looking swanky and available for those new potential owners. I wonder if her firm does full disclosure. "Yes the kitchen is roomy, great countertops and we had a double homicide here ages ago." Beth and co-worker Kate start to prep a collective of pranks that could end badly for all.

Next story is The Last Farewell of Mr. Perez is a tale of Mr. Perez's final days on Earth. Ordinary I would expect an expensive bottle of hooch and a myriad of "Woe is me" when Perez has a true epiphany. An eye-opening experience, to know what his true purpose in life has always been. With the minuscule budget our film has, the effects are pretty impressive for this movie. While it feels more science fiction in appearance plot-wise, it's still a solid story.

As we move on to the next story, we gaze into the cheating heart of Mrs. Claus via Slay Ride. Yes Mrs. Claus is getting holly and jolly with one of Santa's little helpers. She's claiming his candy cane for the season. Unfortunately for these merry and bright, Santa is all too aware of this breaking and entering and seizes the opportunity to put them on the naughty list. Santa enjoys a wank before his murderous rage. Yup, you guessed it, there's titty. I know some of you were waiting to ask that. The gore gags could have been better but it covers it well enough.

Onto The Present with Larry (Kirk Sardonis of Drifter, Horrortales.666 Part 2 and Things 666) heading to his cellar to find his wife Julia (Roxxy Mountains of Drifter, Dark Zone Thirteen, Things 5, Horrortales.666 Part 2 and Things 666) and boy we wasted no time at all, right to the sex and the ultra ultra violence. Yes lady readers, there be even more titty. Yippey.

The last story, My Life this weird meta story line drags Dustin Hubbard and Phil Herman attempting to get work done on Horrortales.666 Part 2. Everyone under the sun and maybe a bit of Troma status is hounding the two for parts in the flick. 

 

Familiar faces like Shawn C.Phillips (MILFs vs Zombies, Director's Cut, Camp Blood 4, Camp Blood 5, Grindsploitation, The Killer Robots! Crash and Burn, Allusion , Bloody Island and Witchcraft 16: Hollywood Coven), Ari Lehman (Friday the 13^th, Night on Has Been Mountain, The Girl, House of Forbidden Secrets, Easter Sunday and Cheerleader Camp: To the Death), Debbie Rochon (Vampire's Kiss, Banned, Black Easter, Broadcast Bombshells, Santa Claws, Red Lips II, The Vampire's Seduction, In the Hood and Rage of the Werewolf) and Debbie D (Sorority Slaughter 2, Legal Entrapment, Play Dead, Destiny: Vampire Mermaid, Tales for the Midnight Hour, The Go-Go Girl Strangler!, Hayride Slaughter, Abducted! And Hayride Slaughter II).

With this film tallying out to an hour and 55 minutes, it does provide plenty eerie and morbid creativity. This shows clever directors giving it their all with a limited budget, proving they can compete with big budget horror having to push the envelope with more imagination. The variety of the films gives credence to an anthology. 

 

Hey kids! It's Debbie Rochon!

 

Gunpowder Milkshake

 How do, readers of the rotten. After last write up with Italian Post-Apocalyptic goofiness, I thought I would see what is on Netflix. Yes, thankfully the films made with Netflix seem to survive. Can't say the same for Marvel cable series but what do I know? No I thought we'd see what bonny lass Karen Gillan (The Kevin Bishop Show, Dr. Who, The Well, Guardians of the Galaxy, Oculus, Selfie, 7 Days in Hell, Guardians of the Galaxy Vol.2, Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle, Avengers: Infinity War, Avengers: Endgame and Jumanji: The Next Level), a young actress that has seen no less than three predominant characters (Amy Pond of Dr. Who, Ruby of Jumanji and Nebula of Guardians of the Galaxy) that are in cosplay demand, she with a substantial cast stars in an action-packed, fist fighting and gun play film. This is Gunpowder Milkshake. 

 

Hands at ten and two.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

With an elite status of a professional assassin, Scarlet (Lena Headey of 300, The Red Baron, Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, Risen, Dredd, The Purge, The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones, Trollhunters: Tales of Arcadia, Game of Thrones and Masters of the Universe: Revelations) was catching all kinds of heat, had to leave her child Sam in the care of others while she went off-grid. Oh c'mon Scarlet, you managed to care for John Connor during cyborg madness.

Our movie opens credits with a near Bond orchestral soundtrack that is haunting and invigorating to the mind. I know I am in for some gratuitous ultra, ultra violence. Already this movie gives of a vibe of Alan Ladd's This Gun for Hire, or maybe I am just nostalgic for film noir. Karen is wearing a trench coat and fedora giving steely eyes, so yeah maybe that's why it is clicking.  Her hovel of an apartment is near Spartan level of clean and free of real creature comforts, so our hitwoman doesn't draw attention to herself. Hell bet the neighbors think she's either a workaholic, closet lesbian or a moody artist. Neighbors are always nosy. Like her mother, Sam is also working for the enigmatic organization, "The Firm". Not starring Tom Cruise. Hehe. 

 

BANZAIIII!!!

 

 

 

 

 

Now before we go any further, I want to talk about the whining man babies commenting all over this film. Most of them are pissed that a predominant number of women are in kick ass roles, tackling the same ridiculous odds similar to a male protagonist in a cheese-ball 80s action movie.

Their insipid point? But they can't do that. They're girls! Yeah that is the crux of their argument.

In their tiny brained mindset, women can be the mothers, the sisters, the prostitutes, final girls in slasher flicks and the femme fatales buuuuut, they cannot be cops, firefighters or a bad ass cadre of assassins. I'd flog these morons but who has the time.

A good, old-fashioned vanilla milkshake with an extra scoop is in order since Sam was a little girl waiting for Scarlet to come back from yet another job. Guess it is hard being a single mom that gacks people. A flashback interaction with mom as adult Sam relaxes after whacking that many wise guys. Nathan (Paul Giamatti of Ripper, Donnie Brasco, Private Parts, Saving Private Ryan, The Amazing Screw-On Head, Barney's Version, John Dies in the End and Rock of Ages) has been watching over Sam since she was a young girl has to be Sam's handler for contracts. With the last job looking like the final scene in Resevoir Dogs, Sam's skill set is needed. Someone stole from The Firm and the boys in charge are none too happy. But wait! It gets worse! 

 

They serve pie here at all?

 

 

 

 

 

 

The 15 or so scumbags that attempted to ventilate Sam, one of them was son to mover and shaker kingpin, Jim McAlester (Ralph Ineson of The Selfish Giant, Vera, Assassin's Creed IV: Black Flag, Ambassadors, Inspector George Gently, New Worlds, Kingsman: Secret Service, The Witch, Bluestone 42 and The Huntsman: Winter's War). Yet another mob kid trying to show Dad he can move up in the organization on his own, gets popped like a champagne cork and now Dear ole Da wants blood. Whoopsie!

Not sure about the whole trench coat look, honey.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Opening an active library account with former surrogate mothers like accounts Anna May (Angela Basset of Strange Days, Vampire in Brooklyn, Contact, Supernova, The Rosa Parks Story, Alias, Nothing But the Truth, ER,This Means War, Black Panther and 9-1-1), records Florence (Michelle Yeoh of Super Cop, Super Cop 2, Yes,Ma'am, Silver Hawk, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, Tomorrow Never Dies, Star Trek: Discovery and Shang Chi: Legend of the Ten Rings) head librarian and quartermaster (Carla Guinano of Watchmen, Race to Witch Mountain, Women in Trouble, The Might Macs, Elektra Luxx, Sucker Punch, Man of Steel, San Andreas, Bling and Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice) is a stickler for rules. Again, with that much firepower at her fingertips, DO NOT piss off the quartermaster...or be loud in the library. It's rude.

With clean weapons, Sam is back in action and makes her way to the hit. Problem is our thief boosted bearer bonds for four screw-ups in Hollywood Horror masks, the Universal monsters to be exact because they have his 8 year old daughter, Emily (Chloe Coleman of Glee, Angels and Demons, Transparent, Puppy Star Christmas, Big Little Lies, My Spy, The Resident, Kinderwood and Gunpowder Milkshake). The Firm is less than happy with Sam and are leaving her to Jim McAlester and his murderous, malefic moppets. Nathan provides Sam with a leg up and maybe she'll see another day. Emily is just going with the flow, considering she just saw three guys whacked and is on the move with Sam. It's almost like Sam knows what it is to be in Emily's shoes and now her own mother's as well.

Writer/director Navot Papushado (Rabies, Big Bad Wolves, ABCs of Death 2, and Once Upon a Time in Palestine) sets a tone about duty, obligation, family and honor in his gunsmoke fueled, dysfunctional family platform.

FYI, a minor spoiler for you all as Sam went completely Buffy on the thug in the Dracula mask; staking him with a broken mop handle through the heart. Yes I laughed profusely. Serious I do not understand the hate for this flick. We have gorgeous women whooping ass, getting into gun fights, fist fights and martial arts galore. Do I feel this is the female Expendables? Not one bit. Yes they also are hired killers but they have a near family dynamic, while The Expendables just felt like beer buddies with guns. Again nothing wrong with either film, but don't compare the two. Aside from a significant casting, they are nothing alike. The chemistry between Gillan and Headey does feel like a mother/daughter relationship...well except all the bodies they dropped. That could be a weird tradition.

Good cast, awesome effects and decent dialogue exchange. Solid story done with many a hitman that rediscovers his humanity, then fights against the very institution he swore an oath to; so why can't it be said for a woman as well? So yeah I would recommend this film.

 

She's got Karen Gillan Eyeeeessss....

 

Endgame

 Howdy boys and girls! Well September is here...Um less heat? With that in mind I felt a need. For Speed? Nah I have a need for some post-apocalyptic goofiness from Italy. Yes when you need a bizarre and over the top post-apocalypse, you go to Italy every time. A mutant needs the aid of a TV game show Gladiator (Nitro?) to help lead her band of mutants to a safe harbor. This is Endgame. 

 

Post-apocalyptic power couple..

 

 

 

 

 

Brought to us by exploitation and mock-buster director Joe D' Amato (Anthroopophagus, Erotic Nights of the Living Dead, Porno Holocaust, Absurd a.k.a. Zombi 8, Ator, the Fighting Eagle, Cave Dwellers, 2020 Texas Gladiators and Zombie 5: Killing Birds) and served with a smile, we catch up with the world post World War III. Um is that the Star Trek Eugenics Wars? The Apes taking over the planet? Man, this alternative futures are hard to keep track of.

Opening credits sequence just sounds like someone bored and noodling around with Casio keyboard. Sorry but first gripe kicked in already. Lot of mushroom cloud footage to signify the end of days. The year is 2025 (saaaay, that's not too far away) and humanity has been bombarded with nuclear radiation, the towns and cities are wastelands and some semblance of order has been established. The big source of entertainment are the gladiators (cue Running Man theme), as they slaughter one another for the spectators' viewing pleasure. So, reality TV just got a bit darker. Endgame was founded in 2012 (don't remember that but I don't follow much TV) and the zones change as they have participants around the world. A simple televised Hunter vs Prey and the clock is running for 12 hours, so our athletes better not have skipped cardio or leg day.

 

Umbrella Company's Hunks?!

 

 

 

 

 

Moving on, the rat population haven't been altered other than feeding on human cadavers, these may be the same rats from Bruno Mattei's Rats: Night of Terror. They do get best Italian knock-off top-billing. A gaggle of storm troopers (A passel? A herd? A scourge?) in decked out in black gas masks, helmets and a leather ensemble that was faaaabulous!! Of course those German MP40 made by Steyr Arms might keep most folk at bay.

FUN FACT! MP38s were some of the first German sub-machine guns during WWII and yet somehow their successors survived WWIII??? Yeah I am just as baffled as you are now, folks. They're searching the catacombs and burnt building for telepaths and other such mutants...so they can kill them. Probably because they're the baddies. Still they are fabulously dressed in spite of their gauche behavior. Love they have this weird hybrid of a gig-counter and Ghostbusters EKG. Oh no, Xavier gave them a portable Cerebro!!! SELLOUT!!

 

Butch fella, ain't he?

 

 

 

 

 

Resident Wasteland Champion of Endgame...Ron Shannon (Al Cliver of Black Emmanuelle, White Emmanuelle,Zombi 2, Rulers of the City, Apache Woman, Blazing Flowers, Devil Hunter, The Black Cat, 2020 Texas Gladiators, Touch of Death and The New Gladiators). Yeah I gotta pause right there. Savior of the future mutants is named...Ron. Lacks the gravitas of Professor Xavier. Well he is the best at what he does and what he does ain't pretty. (Where have I read that? Oh well.) Shannon and "Ninja" (Hal Yamanouchi of The Humanoid, Gardenia, I'm Photogenic, The Last Hunter, Hearts and Armour, Sing Sing, Endgame The Lone Runner and Under the Chinese Restaurant) a fellow gladiator have been recruited by Lilith (the forever gorgeous Laura Gemser of Black Emanuelle, Emanuelle in Bangkok, Black Cobra Woman, Voyage of the Damned, Emanuelle and the Last Cannibals, Sister Emanuelle and Emanuelle and the White Slave Trade) to assist her and a gathering of mutants to a safe place free of the cruelty of humanity.

Good luck avoiding all of humanity! Granted the population has gone down due to nuclear holocaust, you're still going to need trade, commerce, bartering and farming. Not to mention if the radiation effected insect life like in Damnation Alley, yer gettin' giant bugs! 

 Lilith pleads for Shannon's help for not just her sake or the mutants, but maybe to give Shannon something other than blood rending slaughter. Peace of mind perhaps.

A few notes of interest, officially sponsoring the Endgame is Life/Plus. Increases muscle fibers and sexual prowess. Yup ,Boner Biscuits. Sorry if I spoiled that for you but when we have been subjected to 25 years of boner pills and aphrodisaics as a paid for advertisements, it didn't seem that off putting. Plus Yosamite Sam has something else to scream when things go awry. Aw, boner biscuits!

Wanting Shannon's head on a pig pole for the world to see is Kurt Karnak (Writer/actor George Eastman of Django Shoots First, The Cobra, Django Kills Softly, Baba Yaga, Anthropophagus, Porno Holocaust, 1990: The Bronx Warriors, Absurd, 2019: After the Fall of New York, Hands of Steel, Blastfighter and The Barbarians), a dude who I am convinced between his Kenny Loggins' good looks and the snarling drool foaming on his face, homie may O.D. On Life/Plus Boner Biscuits. It is hard for me to take the hunters serious when their war paint looks like Bowie's glam rock era or the Kiss Army of the Apocalypse, "Oh Hell, Tim. Let's run! Ziggy Stardust is back on our trail!" A sentence uttered by no man...ever.

As Shannon is listed as prey this game, he is doing everything to sway the hunters. False trails, hidden traps and straight-up ambush attacks. While the general populous is glued to Not Deathrace 2000, the government is meeting secretly to plot and exterminate (EXTERMINATE!!!) the mutant community buuut no big, hulking sentinels. Just the previous kill squads in their fabulous leather numbers. Also according to these heads of...state or county, the community viewing the show is no more than 5 million people. Um, aren't there close to 7 billion living on this planet right now?!!

Math is not my strong suit but that would mean more than 1 billion, 1 hundred thousand were wiped out in the initial bombing alone. Add nuclear winter, starvation, inadequate irrigation, no healthcare and less food means almost 3 billion starved or killed one another.

Back to the film, Lilith and Shannon start trying to come to terms with each of their life choices, and while Lilith is by far the more noble of the two, we are seeing Shannon finally believe in something other than himself. The karate chop of death Shannon keeps using was cracking me up. I guess they were going for Dim Mak or Touch of Death if you prefer. The facial expressions the guys chose though. Yeesh. One guy looked like he climaxed...IN HIS PANTS!!! Shannon puts together a team of mercs with promise of two pounds of gold as payment if they can help transport the mutants 200 miles in the badlands.

Yes lady readers, there's a rape scene in Act 2 buuut it isn't a ton of nudity. The dialogue used was pretty foolish but again I always feel I have to warn readers of such if you feel the need to watch the movie in question.

With a Joe D' Amato film, expect over the top dialogue delivery, fight and gun fight scenes (the exception being the Sci-Fi Fantasy films), a handful of sexual content (See what I did there?) and story about the human condition.

Is this a brilliant movie? No. Is it a bad movie? Not really. Feels more like a lazy Saturday flick for the fellas and maybe some violence enthusiastic ladies. Overall, the film keeps to the Post-Apocalypse route of the end of civilization, humanity rearing its head back into the world full of devastation and how they overcome those desperate odds. 

 

Okay, I think the writer is giving us crap.

 

 

Black Widow

 Hello all. Welcome back to the blog. Well this review has become a mixed bag, with the impeding lawsuit for the House of the Mouse, plenty of fellow reviews have been rude and awful or felt like fluff pieces. So I will delve into today's movie with objective eyes. Catching up with her after the Civil War among the supers, Romanoff is done. Done with the games, the fights and the secrets. This is Black Widow. 

 

Yer gun is digging in my hip...

 

 

 

 

 

Natasha (Scarlett Johansson of Ghost World, Lost in Translation, In Good Company, The Nanny Diaries, Robot Chicken, Iron Man 2, The Avengers, Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Avengers: Age of Ultron, Captain America: Civil War, Avengers: Infinity War and Captain Marvel) is tired, hurt and running out of friends. Thor's in Space, Hulk disappeared and several of Captain America's allies are jailed in a super-max prison. Secretary of State, former General Thunderbolt Ross (Altered States, Broadcast News, Until the End of the World, The Plague, Michael, Dark City, Dune, A.I. Artificial Intelligence, Changing Lanes, Mr. Brooks, The Incredible Hulk, The Host, Captain America: Civil War and Avengers: Infinity War) is hunting down all those that may break or bend the Sokovia Accords. With no port of harbor, family or friends to rely on, Nat goes back to her old school skill-set and goes off grid (no permanent address, phone number or billing address under her actual name). People somehow forget that Nat was former Spetnaz(Soviet Special Forces) and a former widow of the Red Room. Honey pot traps, espionage and assassination along with her math, science, Russian and English lessons, ballet and gymnastics. My schools never taught me how to garotte someone. Typical.

 

Putting fun back into dysfunctional family!

 

 

 

 

 

A flashback establishes Natasha having a family in Ohio. Her "father" Alexi (David Harbour of Parkland, Rake, The Equalizer, The Newsroom, State of Affairs, Suicide Squad, Human Affairs, Hellboy, Stranger Things and Black Widow), her "mother" Melina (Rachel Weisz of Inspector Morse, Death Machine, The Mummy, Sunshine, The Mummy Returns, About a Boy, The Shape of Things, Runaway Jury, The Fountain, Eragon, Agora, The Deep Blue Sea, Youth, Complete Unknown, and The Light Between Oceans) are undercover agents operating long-term on U.S. Soil. Natasha and her "sister" Yelena operate as concealing the agents and then after escaping to Cuba, the girls are placed in the Red Room. Man, 1995 could get kooky.

 

Attack of Project: Runway!

 

 

 

 

 

Nat's low-key trailer has been outfitted for her needs. Getting weapons for anyone a seasoned spy isn't really difficult. She goes into town to be attacked by an armored clad person that moved like Cap or Hawkeye and even Spider-Man. After a substantial beating, she escapes with a container that was brought to her by her friend/fixer Mason (O-T Fagbenle of As If, Marple, Grownups, Breaking and Entering, Little Miss Jocelyn, Radio Cape Cod, Doctor Who, FM, The Reeds, Material Girl, Double Wedding, Thorne: Scaredycat and Quick Cuts)which was at a safehouse in Budapest and heads out there.

 

Sir, wouldn't it be safer to go after the Hulk?

 

 

 

 

 

With a quick encounter with "sister" Yelena (Florence Pugh of The Falling, Studio City, Marcella, Lady MacBeth, The Commuter, King Lear, Outlaw King, Malevolent, The Little Drummer Girl, Fighting with My Family, Midsommar, Little Women and Black Widow) and by that I mean a severe beating on each. Yelena tells Nat that the Red Room is back in operation, their old handler Dreykov (Ray Winstone of Mr. Right, Fairly Secret Army, Robin Hood, Minder, The Bill, Thief Takers, The Very Thought of You, Woundings, Ripley's Game, The Proposition, All in the Game, Beowulf, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, The Devil's Tomb and Sex & Drugs & Rock & Roll), a man that Nat thought she already killed as her way into S.H.I.E.L.D.

The girls need some back-up. So off to find dear old "pop" Alexi a.k.a. The Red Guardian, a Soviet super-soldier whose sole goal was to challenge Captain America to a death bout. I mean it's good to have goals but still, yikes. With a gulag prison break, the girls acquired dear old dad. He and Dreykov were thick as thieves but he too was betrayed by him as well. The only one with close enough ties is still Melina. As a behaviorist scientist, electronic engineer and cybernetics understanding, is essential to the Red Room's existence. Between pheromone suggestion and implants, the widows are fluid, effective and ruthless. Giving them no conscience whatsoever makes them the most effective assassins. In order to stop Dreykov, this dysfunctional family has to unite, work side-by-side and maintain their objectives. Can Natasha and crew handle this mission? Can Dreykov be stopped?

 

Outfit...bunching up...

 

 

 

 

 

 

A few comments to make on the film now. The sister dynamic between Scarlett and Florence seems so spot-on as bickering siblings but at the end of the day they truly do care for one another. A bear of a muscle bound man and a clinical scientist for a mother, these people are the closest thing to a real family that either girl every had. The stunt work between fight scenes, gun fights, car chases siege battles, this feels like The Bourne Identity. You got conspiracy, spy-craft and camaraderie. Proper use of tactics, distribution of skill-sets and compartmentalization. You have the harsh cruelty of their training, to how it had strengthen both young women into weapons of their own choosing. For this one time, they truly have their own objective and they will see it to the end.

The story is there but ultimately it feels like Yelena is taking on her sister's responsibilities, obligations and commitments. As much as this tale is for Natasha showing her past, it does seem to be a lot about of Yelena's origin story as well. With the typical dragging the retired gunfighter back into one more adventure, rejoining a crew that has ill feelings and past hurts, yes it does collectively give a past, present and hints to the future. This is technically not a prequel as it is more of an untold tale for Natasha before the Infinity War. Does it deserve a fraction of the negative reviews? Not really. I can understand how it does feel like the movie got wedged into the continuity of the last ten years but honestly it does feel like it can be a stand alone story. We have elements of family, obligation, honor and duty.

Also can we stop trying to compare the comic book version to the cinematic version. If you want for that all to work story wise, Natasha is over 70 years old, former KGB, S.H.I.E.L.D. Spetnaz and frankly more retconning at ridiculous levels. By that same level of reasoning, comic book Natasha was married to a Red Guardian and had a romantic relationship with the Winter Soldier because Bucky was responsible for her training in the Red Room. Can you imagine how many films it would take to make all that work?!

All in all, I am satisfied with the film. 

 

Pew! Pew pew pew!