Hey kids welcome back for Phantoms of
the Year Day 4 and Happy New Year!! While you are nursing hangovers,
self-inflicted klutz wounds and horrible drunken texts how about we
sit down and enjoy a movie? Or I could write about this steaming
pile of donkey crap that pseudo-quasi passes for one. Yeah, remember
I was all a grumbly about Life Blood and the vampy jiggly girls?
That film is already golden compared to today's drek. No, I will not
be objective today. Not after this turd fest of a flick so sit down,
relax and enjoy the rant. This is Steel Trap.
Britney's skin peel may have gone too deep. |
Not to be confused with the 1952 Film
Noir The Steel Trap, our flotsam film hails from the oh so scary
Dimension Extreme collection. Those dark, grim, rooted in reality
and modern day horrors. What a load of crap.
First off, we get the BS taglines of
Surviving each floor is the name of the game... which is a complete
falsehood because the cinematic delight takes place on two floors,
one of them the party was never contemplating visiting in the first
place. This film has all the hallmarks of the typical pick off the
jocks and cheerleaders because they were mean to me motif. Maybe
they let Jason drown, pick Marty from Slaughter High or push the
housemother in the pool via The House on Sorority Row. Whatever the
main reason it is sadly one of those Ten Little Indians knockoff
revenge stories that this deep and seething hatred has been building
to this point. Five people are invited to this shindig along with
two party crashers but thankfully neither of them are Vince Vaughn or
Owen Wilson.
How did we end up on the set of Motel Hell? |
Our characters are poorly conceived as
they have to be hip, witty and amusing rather than be written like
actual human beings. None of the dialogue's myriad of puns, snarking
or witty quips are funny. AT ALL. This is piss poor writing, not a
single line uttered sounds natural to be said let alone heard so
awkward line are blurted out and the film drags on. Our first three
murders actually occur within the first 45 minutes and then we wait
and wait for the film's pace car to hit the track. Meanwhile, we
have the standardized survivors yelling at one another and playing
round robin with blame and accusations on who the killer is. Aside
from the personality scribbled on the host's notes for the five these
people have no personality whatsoever and if they caught on fire in
front of you, you might consider it an improvement in the gene pool.
Brought to us by writer/director Luis
Camara (Ex Voto Endgame, Steel Trap and Silencio),
our film drags more than Festus' bum leg in Gunsmoke, has plot holes
roughly the size of Nebraska and the killer looks like he stole
Chromeskull's mask from Laid to Rest. Apparently you take Saw,
Slaughter High and a pinch of April Fool's Day, drop it in a blender
and you get... well three trashed DVDs or VHS. Don't do that. What
are you? Foolish? Just don't talk to me now.
Normally this would be the part I would
tell you that the blocking was good, lighting and sound were doing
their jobs but I really do not want to bolster this film at all. I
mean everyone was professional here but the vibe was rush it and get
it to print ASAP, pronto, PDQ and give it wings. So if you see this
flick cued on your Netflix, come across it on digital cable or
satellite, do the right thing and skip it.
Silver Surfer hits the club scene. |
No comments:
Post a Comment