Hey gang. I know it has been a while
for a write up. Trying to create some video reviews and YouTube
is...well currently having a few issues but we are not going to talk
about that.
Instead I am going to find us some
nice, safe public domain films I can review. Loosely translated, I
am tired of copyright issues and placating to egos. Today's movie
brings us the intrepid starship Odyssey crew forced to make an
emergency landing on a planet that has a hostile environment.
This is Planet of the Dinosaurs.
 |
| Are you guys SuperTramp? I'm a huge fan! |
Director James K. Shea (Suburbia
Confidential, The Scavengers a.k.a. The Grabbers and Planet of the
Dinosaurs) had a vision. Spirit quest or just tripping balls
on some peyote aside, it was still a vision.
Set way into the far time line
of...yeah they never point that out but apparently they had a
seventies revival look and slang to go along with it, this 1977
Sci-Fi wonder forces Captain Lee (actor and producer Louie
Lawless of Manson, Shame, Shame on the Bixby Boys, Mind Games and
Abducted II: The Reunion) to make an emergency landing on a
planet near to Earth conditions. Apparently the engines had a
MacGuffin drive and with no Scotty or Geordi to fix it, down they
plummet. Much like the writing. (Again a MacGuffin is also
known as a plot device depicting a goal, desired object, place or
other such motivation)
As the ship sinks in the massive lake,
our crew has to swim for shore. Of course the communications officer
forgets the beacon, Bad Cindy! No wonder everyone prefers Marcia.
Yes I just pandered to the 50 plus
crowd for a moment. Don't worry. More of those on it's way.
Cindy (Mary Appleseth of Slumber
Party '57 and Planet of the Dinosaurs) has to strip down to
her undies to swim back. Guess nudity clause issue but bikini
lingerie is fine. She and Chuck (Chuck Pennington of Planet of
the Dinosaurs) both go swimming for this huge metal clamshell
camera case when Cindy is attacked by an aquatic creature and thus
does her part to thin the cast out.
 |
| Oily T zones ahead, Captain Harry Reems!!! |
A lot of complaints, ribs and comments
made about this magnum opus of a movie. The biggest comment made
about this movie is the uniform. The full body blue onesies with a
white v pointing to everyone's crotch. Men and women alike. The
officers' oneises were white with orange shoulder and neck line so
not much better.
I realize they are fighting for their
lives, struggling to find shelter, edible food and a means to
communicate back to Earth but my God these uniforms are just making
me laugh.
Many pig folk complained the "Hot Asian Chick"
or Derna (Derma Wylde of Partners in Crime, Wonder Woman TV
show, The Killing of a Chinese Bookie) isn't nude in every
scene.
Relax piggies, go see her in The
Killing of a Chinese Bookie or Chained Heat. There, your
problem of lack of flesh is solved. Your psyche, well that's not my
department but seek help.
Still trying to decide if the menfolk
of this crew look more like Starlight Vocal Band or Supertramp.
 |
| Debbie, you're supposed to be in the shot. Whatever. |
Captain Lee's extensive training in
wildlife gave them the ability to produce fire, edible plants, rudimentary grain meals and my favorite, a crappy barrier made of
some weak branches. YOU HAVE LASERS!!!! Saw down some trees,
drag them up and start relearning making hemp rope!!!
Dear God I have seen snow forts that
looked more durable. Now for me the best of the bunch is the
fellow playing Jim.
Rugged and manly. (James
Whitworth of Black Angels, Fandango, Emergency!, .357 magnum, The
Rockford Files and The Hills Have Eyes) actually has a few
acting credits so that was good.
First off, he looks a bit like
George Eastman from Absurd, Warriors of the Wasteland, 2019:
After the Fall of New York and
Stagefright.
Rocking that Andy Gibb beard and has
enough muscle to be a decent linebacker. Secondly, he is Jupiter
from the original Wes Craven's The Hills Have Eyes so he has
an alpha male fear factor working for him.
Throughout "rest periods" and
general padding of the film, this troupe of morons managed to
misplace a blaster, drop one and lose party members by simply not
using their coconut for something other than keeping a hat on it.
NO ONE is wearing any hats. Or sunscreen, that could be dangerous
and bad for the complexion.
A T-Rex roams the area killing the
planet eaters and subjugating terror across the desert and plains.
Lee tells everyone to get to high
ground so he cannot pursue them. Or LASERS!!!!! Meat for days!
Well in the end, this is a film with a
substantially low budget, less than trained actors, some really good
scale stop motion animation for the dinosaurs and the ambition was
there. It just fell short of grace due to so much walking and
forced dialogue, bad blocking so not all the "actors" are
in scene, not much story to begin with and the characters were more
wooden than Big Sur.
That being said, watch the RiffTrax
version and laugh your ass off. God I wish I saw this flick prior
with their jokes. My comments throughout the movie consisted of,
"So are they all dead yet? No? How much longer?"
Dragging pace ends at 84 minutes,
thanks to rest periods and in general, a decent story could have been
made. Months of roughing it, their senses improve, instincts take
over and find the life they lead prior was soft and weak. Alas,
that is not this film. If you need a drinking game, grab this
flick. If you need a nap, grab this flick. If you need a
complex, compelling story with good arc, motives, characters developed
and fleshed out. Grab a better movie.
No comments:
Post a Comment