House of the Living Dead

Hey folks. You can all relax. I'm back. Working on an audio review for the YouTubes and got caught up in that, forgetting not everyone subscribes to that. So back ta da blog!

Well found YET ANOTHER Zombie flick and yes it also has multiple titles. This hails from a 12 pack by Mill Creek Entertainment and shock of shocks, it also has Horror of the Zombies a.k.a. Ghost Galleon and predictably, Night of the Living Dead in its illustrious alumni. On a South African plantation, a diseased maniac is rampant, killing first the plantation animals and then sets on the humans! Gasp! This is House of the Living Dead a.k.a. Curse of the Dead a.k.a. Doctor Maniac a.k.a. Kill, Baby, Kill.

Ring Wraith stealing a goat in daylight??!!

Well with that fine collection of titles, how can we go wrong? Just looked at 15 different covers, just looking at the print of this poor film; it has been treated like the town trollop. Passed around again and again. Redistribution to the likes of Night of the Living Dead. Ahem, with that in mind, on with the film.

Under the cover of day, a hooded figure in a black cloak abducts a baboon because... oh hell your guess as good as many and possibly less filthy.    A mad scientist Dr. Breckinridge Brattling (Yes I swear that is the character's name!) is conducting illegal human experiments on his family estate. Guess the sound proofing there dulls down the screams. Twisting God's work into his own hellish nightmares, he dare put his scientific curiosity before common decency. So in general, he's a dick. Striving to put different souls into other people, (Yeah I can't make this nonsense up) he has had a few setbacks.

The town villagers are convinced something is going on but seem reluctant to gather pitchforks and torches to go and kill the monster. Kind of surprising really.

Oh ho, my milkshake does bring all the boys to the yard.

With various animals disappearing in the village, you think people would figure out that just possibly that it could be THE HOODED FIGURE roaming the countryside acting all suspicious??!!! FYI, not the Hooded Figure in Rotten Reelz Reviews Video Reviews. Pretty sure he's not abducting animals and people. Well, more or less sure.

A set of twins runs the plantation. Breckinridge's brother Michael (Mark Burns of Death in Venice, A Day at the Beach, Juggernaut, Rosebud and The Maids) runs the household while Insano Breck performs his madcap experiments attempting to transmigrate a soul outside the human body. Hmm, maybe some opids might be in the doctor's diet.

Jiggly fiancee' Mary (Shirley Anne Field of Peeping Tom, Saturday Night and Sunday Morning, These Are the Damned and Wild for Kicks) cannot wait to marry MichaelNow, many of you know I abhor two things. A vacuum and spoilers. That being said, THERE ARE NO ZOMBIES! Yes, with all the potential voodoo, genetic experimentation, viral outbreak and how about Hell just getting full of pervs, people that talk in the theater and Nazis?

So yeah, I can only reason it was titled thus so to cash in on Romero's success of Night of the Living Dead; given Dawn of the Dead wasn't released until 1978. Redistribution is probably closer to blame.

Made in 1973 but took an entire year to release (Yup we are in good hands), our magnum Opus was actually filmed in South Africa. Nifty, right? Look, Vancouver has been Faux Detroit, NYC, Chicago, San Francisco and Post Apocalyptic Jersey and that is just the handful of flicks I have seen, so yes I am surprised they got shot on proper location. I TAKE MY HAPPYS WERE I CAN!!! STOP JUDGING MEEEEEE!!!!

Shot in 35 mm Spherical on Arriflex Cameras, yes the sound is mono but thankfully in Color and not Technocolor. The print is positively horrendous. This was a VHS to DVD translation and never went through an image rendering process. Loosely translated, it looks like crap. Which is too bad because it was professionally shot well but again VHS crap!!!

Now to change Bobo into a donkey.  Because SCIENCE!!!

Sharkansas Women's Prison Massacre

And we are back. Y'know, gang sometimes the title along says, "C'mon you're curious to see how this pans out." With today's film that is a definite and with the blessing of the film's director, Jim Wynorski (The Lost Empire, Chopping Mall, Not of This Earth, The Return of Swamp Thing Sorority House Massacre II, Dinosaur Island, Vampirella and Stealth Fighter) giving me the go-ahead, I think I will give this a gander. This is Sharkansas Women's Prison Massacre.

Um...they're dirty girls?

Yeah I got your attention with that title. Our film starts off with a bang (not that kind, ya pervs) as two guys from the Arkansas Fracking Industries set off a series of explosions. Fracking is a term for explosive demolitions.  Our collective of ninny Fred (Production designer and Art department Robert Hummel of Dinocroc, Hell Ride, Tekken and Alien Rising) and Sam get their truck stuck as POV shots are in hot pursuit behind them.

Subplot1 has Detective Patterson (Traci Lords of Cry-Baby, Not of This Earth, Blade, First Wave, Deathlands, Frostbite, Novel Romance and Swedish Dicks) and Detective Adam (Corey Landis of That 70's Show, Dinocroc vs. Supergator, Camel Spiders, Dracula: Reborn, Toy Masters and Bad Internet) are pursuing a couple of guys that pulled off a heist and they are dogged and hot on the trail.

Meanwhile, subplot 2 as a region designated for chain gang work. No Sonny Landham or James Remar in sight but a bevy of beautiful girls doing time.  So yes, this is a combo platter of women in prison and creature feature.  Also prison regs are tank tops and shorty shorts.   Um...must have missed that on the last Orange is the New Black.  With only two guards watching them I can see this only going well.  They are required to dig in this swamp area and remove stumps.   Guessing the warden's favorite movie is Chained Heat.   Again, only a theory.

My hair tussled enough?

With guards Carl (John Callahan of All My Children, Dinocroc vs Supergator, eCupid, Zoe Gone and The Bay) and Mike (Serafin Falcon of Transporter 2, I Love Miami, The Sopranos, Burn Notice, The Bait, South Beach and NCIS: Los Angeles) on the case, you know...well the girls have only to jiggle and they would be distracted.

Don't worry, my sexist pig readers, the girls manage a little wet T-Shirt dribble here and there for this hard working. Let's meet our bad girls, shall we? Shannon (Amy Holt of Girls Gone Psycho, The Unit, Dinocroc vs. Supergator, Break a Hip and Terry), Sarah (Skye McDonald of NCIS: Los Angeles, Murder in the First, Follow Me, The Bet, Stalked by My Mother, Growth:VR and Leading Lady), Michelle (Christine Nguyen of Dexter, House of Lies, Tarzeena: Queen of Kong Island, All Babe Network, Vigilante Diaries and CSI: Crime Scene Investigation), Anita (Cindy Lucas of Piranhaconda, After Midnight, Shark Babes, Scared Topless and Legend of the Naked Ghost) and Samantha (Tabitha Marie of Sharkansas Women's Prison Massacre).  Samantha goes to scrub up a wound and seemed to have disappeared.

Sleeping off eating Quint.

Heavens, an injured woman on the side of the road...while you are carrying four convicts.  Hmm, nah nothing wrong here.   Honey (Dominique Swain of Girl, Happy Campers, Lolita, Face/Off, Tart, Alpha Dog and A Doggone Christmas) pulls a fast one on our guards and it's all aboard the prison escape van.

Okay let's get the observation snarking out of the way. The POV shots show me clear, almost tropic waters shots while the main swamp shots have dingy, muck water.   There I did that.  We all happy? Fine, at least three of the guns changed calibers and models.  Yes, I'll finish. Boy, lush vegetation of palm trees, fichus and an underwater cavern in Arkansas seems unlikely.

Patterson and Adam join in to find the missing convicts so not sure about their previous objectives but they are on the case These here waters be infested, me buckos.  Yar!

With abducted Carl in hand, the girls camp out in a house rented by Honey and naturally it's near the swamp lines. Dry land, girls. C'mon already!

An evil industrial complex (because aren't they always?) may have unleashed an ancient predator back into the world by fracking the area prior. This bit of exposition brought to you by Professor Orville, geologist (Chris De Christopher of Distant Justice, Death Racers, Vampire in Vegas, The Devil Wears Nada, Busty Cops Go Hawaiian and Attack of the Killer Donuts) and his pretty boy assistant, John (Oscar DeRosa of Magic City, Hoke, Sharkansas Women's Prison Massacre and Lionheart). Claiming it may be able to travel on land as easily as water. Cue Richard Dryfus speech!

With the cops massing a manhunt and this sharkasaurus running wild in the swamps, the girls figure it is high time to bounce.

Will they make it out in time? Can they dodge the cops?

Okay it's a bit campy but you get the vibe it is supposed to be. It's a throwback to the era that brought us The Killer Shrews with a popular shark attack theme and hot girls. Personally I had fun with it. Yes the land sharks gag did make me think of SNL, I know the firearms are Airsoft or BB guns and again I do not care.   I had a blast with this bit of goofy.  Love Traci's performance feels like she is channeling Tommy Lee Jones' U.S. Marshal Gerard from The Fugitive and U.S. Marshals.

Half of the reviews I read about this movie are outright vicious.   Hey "critics"! Just because you made some trivial observation, doesn't give you the right to crap on a film.  We are supposed to be objective and dispassionate in what we see and hear.   Yeah I noticed license plates too.  You got a problem that much with it?  Write and direct your own.

I couldn't shut off Spanish subtitles. Yay me.

Public Domain Goodness: Planet of the Dinosaurs

Hey gang. I know it has been a while for a write up. Trying to create some video reviews and YouTube is...well currently having a few issues but we are not going to talk about that.

Instead I am going to find us some nice, safe public domain films I can review. Loosely translated, I am tired of copyright issues and placating to egos. Today's movie brings us the intrepid starship Odyssey crew forced to make an emergency landing on a planet that has a hostile environment.

This is Planet of the Dinosaurs.

Are you guys SuperTramp?  I'm a huge fan!

Director James K. Shea (Suburbia Confidential, The Scavengers a.k.a. The Grabbers and Planet of the Dinosaurs) had a vision. Spirit quest or just tripping balls on some peyote aside, it was still a vision.

Set way into the far time line of...yeah they never point that out but apparently they had a seventies revival look and slang to go along with it, this 1977 Sci-Fi wonder forces Captain Lee (actor and producer Louie Lawless of Manson, Shame, Shame on the Bixby Boys, Mind Games and Abducted II: The Reunion) to make an emergency landing on a planet near to Earth conditions. Apparently the engines had a MacGuffin drive and with no Scotty or Geordi to fix it, down they plummet. Much like the writing. (Again a MacGuffin is also known as a plot device depicting a goal, desired object, place or other such motivation)

As the ship sinks in the massive lake, our crew has to swim for shore. Of course the communications officer forgets the beacon, Bad Cindy! No wonder everyone prefers Marcia.

Yes I just pandered to the 50 plus crowd for a moment. Don't worry. More of those on it's way.

Cindy (Mary Appleseth of Slumber Party '57 and Planet of the Dinosaurs) has to strip down to her undies to swim back. Guess nudity clause issue but bikini lingerie is fine. She and Chuck (Chuck Pennington of Planet of the Dinosaurs) both go swimming for this huge metal clamshell camera case when Cindy is attacked by an aquatic creature and thus does her part to thin the cast out.

Oily T zones ahead, Captain Harry Reems!!!

A lot of complaints, ribs and comments made about this magnum opus of a movie. The biggest comment made about this movie is the uniform. The full body blue onesies with a white v pointing to everyone's crotch. Men and women alike. The officers' oneises were white with orange shoulder and neck line so not much better.

I realize they are fighting for their lives, struggling to find shelter, edible food and a means to communicate back to Earth but my God these uniforms are just making me laugh.

 Many pig folk complained the "Hot Asian Chick" or Derna (Derma Wylde of Partners in Crime, Wonder Woman TV show, The Killing of a Chinese Bookie) isn't nude in every scene.

Relax piggies, go see her in The Killing of a Chinese Bookie or Chained Heat. There, your problem of lack of flesh is solved. Your psyche, well that's not my department but seek help.

Still trying to decide if the menfolk of this crew look more like Starlight Vocal Band or Supertramp.

Debbie, you're supposed to be in the shot.  Whatever.

Captain Lee's extensive training in wildlife gave them the ability to produce fire, edible plants, rudimentary grain meals and my favorite, a crappy barrier made of some weak branches. YOU HAVE LASERS!!!! Saw down some trees, drag them up and start relearning making hemp rope!!!

Dear God I have seen snow forts that looked more durable. Now for me the best of the bunch is the fellow playing Jim.

Rugged and manly. (James Whitworth of Black Angels, Fandango, Emergency!, .357 magnum, The Rockford Files and The Hills Have Eyes) actually has a few acting credits so that was good.

First off, he looks a bit like George Eastman from Absurd, Warriors of the Wasteland, 2019: After the Fall of New York and Stagefright.

Rocking that Andy Gibb beard and has enough muscle to be a decent linebacker. Secondly, he is Jupiter from the original Wes Craven's The Hills Have Eyes so he has an alpha male fear factor working for him.

Throughout "rest periods" and general padding of the film, this troupe of morons managed to misplace a blaster, drop one and lose party members by simply not using their coconut for something other than keeping a hat on it. NO ONE is wearing any hats. Or sunscreen, that could be dangerous and bad for the complexion.

A T-Rex roams the area killing the planet eaters and subjugating terror across the desert and plains.

Lee tells everyone to get to high ground so he cannot pursue them. Or LASERS!!!!! Meat for days!

Well in the end, this is a film with a substantially low budget, less than trained actors, some really good scale stop motion animation for the dinosaurs and the ambition was there. It just fell short of grace due to so much walking and forced dialogue, bad blocking so not all the "actors" are in scene, not much story to begin with and the characters were more wooden than Big Sur.

That being said, watch the RiffTrax version and laugh your ass off. God I wish I saw this flick prior with their jokes. My comments throughout the movie consisted of, "So are they all dead yet? No? How much longer?"

Dragging pace ends at 84 minutes, thanks to rest periods and in general, a decent story could have been made. Months of roughing it, their senses improve, instincts take over and find the life they lead prior was soft and weak. Alas, that is not this film. If you need a drinking game, grab this flick. If you need a nap, grab this flick. If you need a complex, compelling story with good arc, motives, characters developed and fleshed out. Grab a better movie.

Creature Features Extravaganza: Missile to the Moon

Welcome back to the blog, girls and boys! So last week was me editing the crap out of two movie review videos. The links are up if you want to see them. This week I was looking at a wide range of creature features and thought we could enjoy those. And by "we" I mean me sitting through some of these turds, giving a humorous take on them and you enjoying the write up. This time around we hit a black & white from 1958.  With action, drama, scintillating dialogue...won't be in it.   But how about a mad scientist, two cons on the run and a rocket scheduled to go to the moon?  This is Missile to the Moon.

Sorority sisters rat out Cindy for stuffing her bra.

With director Richard Cunha (She Demons, Giant from the Unknown, Frankenstein's Daughter, Girl in Room 13 and When Strangers Meet)at the helm, what could possibly be to mock at?

For starters not only does this film feel like Catwomen of the Moon it actually has some of the props from it.

For more than 10 years, building and perfecting it, Dr. Dirk Green (MichaelWhalen of Wee Willie Winkie, The Poor Little Rich Girl, The Phantom from 10,000 Leagues, The Dawn Express, My Three Sons and Sea Hunt) has been working with pre-NASA and the government to build better, superior rockets all the while, building his own rocket as well. Like in his backyard in Utah. No, that was not a joke. The colonel of this mission along with Dirk's assistant Steve (Richard Travis of The Man Who Came to Dinner, Mesa of the Lost Women, Cyborg 2087, Lassie, The Legend of Jesse James and Grand Jury) meet with the good doctor with a face-to-face on the news that the funding for his exploration dreams are getting pulled. Guess you don't want to drop that big of a bomb over the phone.

Hold me closer, tiny Colonel.

Arriving as a retirement dinner, Steve and his fiancee June (Cathy Downs of My Darling Clementine, The Amazing Colossal Man, Perry Mason, Surfside 6, Rawhide and Bat Masterson) feel booze and the dullest conversation possible will ease the tension. The tension that is so thick a f*cking lightsaber couldn't cut through it.   Meanwhile two cons have escaped the hoosegow and are looking for a place to hide on the lam.  Naturally Dirk's SPACESHIP isn't guarded, locked up or even inaccessible so those two thinking it was, I don't know maybe a tree fort hide there. Allegedly has an electric fence around it.  Still love they pull back the curtain to Dirk's pad and boom there's the rocket. So adequate engines, fuel, pounds per thrust and no shielding I saw, yeah his house will catch fire the moment of launch. Totally feasible.

With such craftsmanship one could hardly conclude it is a wooden rocket super imposed on a backdrop. Bet you also didn't know that most spaceships have lots of pegboard and flimsy restraints for car batteries as a means of additional electrics. Yeah me either. 

It's clobberin' time!

The sheriff in hot pursuit of these escaped crooks, just asks Dirk if he can look around his pad and is very noncommittal about the giant rocket in his backyard. I mean he had to have attempted some test flights, right? Calculations and preliminary gauging aside, what about the noise and racket of building the damn thing, prepping a launch platform...you know what? Fine, it is totally feasible. What the hell kind of permits would you need for that??!!!

Dirk looks up in the rocket spotting the two hoods and tells the sheriff no one is around. He bribes them with sandwiches, fruits and a few Cokes then tells them they are going into space whether they like it or not. Yeah Green couldn't build a one man rocket so why not make use of these young punks.

Steve and June start looking for Dirk when the pre-flight computer starts blaring, so they go TOWARDS THE BLAST ZONE!!!

Accidentally stowing away, regardless of extra weight, oxygen, fuel and....sorry sorry. TOTALLY FEASIBLE... The five of them are off to the moon. Thankfully they had just enough spacesuits, masks and O2 tanks at the ready. Funny how the moon looks an awful like region for the Vasquez Rocks and of course off to Griffith Park via the Bronson Canyon and the damn caves!!! Why not the 40 Acres in Culver City??!!

Dirk dies from car battery bonking him on the noodle and with his dying words to Steve he hands him this amulet McGuffin to assure them passage. The foolish foursome go and explore with guns. With scrub brush and cacti!!! Dreaded creatures composed of rock proceed to...walk very slowly but threatening our landing party so they proceed to try and drill them...with combustion pistols that has no atmosphere at all. A vacuum one might say. TOTALLY FEASIBLE!!!

Narrowly escaping the incredibly slow moving creatures our heroes head for the caves. Deep in this labyrinth of bat poop is an oxygenated area of the moon inhabited only by women. Con 1 and 2 start falling for the moon girls almost immediately. That's called being horny.

We need about 4,000 gallons of peppermint oil STAT!!!

So the queen mucky muck wants her space broads shipped to Earth and save their culture, blah blah blah. Oh did I mention diamonds just plentiful on the moon? Solves NASA's budget right there. Methinks Armstrong skipped that detail. Con 2 wants the diamonds and makes creeper eyes at all the girls. Seriously, this cat is a thug. This was shot in the seventies it would be Space exploration exploitation and his character would have raped more than half of the girls.

The plot is more thinly veiled than the moon girls, its subplots go really nowhere and ultimately no goal aside from get back home is even made. Also the killer spider puppet in this bit of nonsense is leftover from the 1955 Tarantula.

So good vs evil, Earth Men made mindless by hormones. Yeah there is no real redeeming value to this flick at all. An upside is Rifftrax via Mike Nelson, Kevin Murphy and Bill Corbett of Mystery Science Theater 3000 made it bearable to watch and the riffs are damn funny.

Hey Lonnie, your balls hurt with your pants hiked up too?

Meh Movies: Zombie'90: Extreme Pestilence

And we are back folks. Yeah I am reviewing Zombie '90.  Sorry Zombie '90: Extreme Pestilence.

 Yeah plenty of you requested this Andreas Schnaas festivities. I am beginning to think you people hate me. I cannot for the life of me fathom why anyone wants this viewed or needs me to crack jokes at this. Just listen to the audio track in English. It's...kind of like comedy. Okay we've put this off long enough.  Ah yes those zany government types with no safety procedures and check systems. A secret C-17 cargo plane crashes into a dense forest after being up in the air for maybe 20 minutes.  You know they crashed because of the fade to black screen wipe.   Translation: We didn't have a budget for a mock plane crash.  Sheesh, scale model it and go to Hobby Lobby for some model planes to blow up with a firecracker while quarter cranking the film.    

 Why, it's a wonder that IBCMs don't just launch themselves all willy nilly under the government's watch.  Hmm he may have meant Ze Germans.

Damn, Trumpcare got hard core.

Well that's definitely a hospital. You have established that. Well done, movie. We cut to a doctor handling the infection of zombie but not officially called that as they have yet to determine this. By the way, when I look at this man I have to admit I wouldn't have seen Samuel Faux Jackson for his voice. Just doesn't pop immediately in my head. Doctor Berns and his assistant immediately are attacked by the very patient that died on their table but thankfully Berns is packing a Luger. In case Blue Cross doesn't cover the procedure obviously. Couldn't afford the muzzle flash? Just cut away to sound effect and FX bladder.

Sheesh shot him right into the credits. I'm not even kidding. I've seen low budget indies but they were ten times more professional and better edited. Oh that's the problem, the Violent Sh*tters Hamburg edited. Trips to the can made by two guys suffering from dysentery made it impossible to cut this properly. They had Hardee's bacon deluxe no doubt.

My God...the sheer numbers.

Car trouble and Leatherface is prowling the woods with a hard on chainsaw? Now the zombies understand melee weapons and power tools? Why not.

Berns and assistant carry a dead body to study of its reanimating issues. They carted a dead body in a hatchback. Didn't anyone know at least one EMT? Shocking this adventure goes awry as the zombie attacks them but the valiant doctors manage to bust a cap in his ass.

Berns is convinced that this has to do with the plane crash the government has been covering up and the toxic chemicals released in the immediate area...the area about 40 miles out or how ever many klicks. I had no idea that house painting smocks and gas masks equate Hazmat suits. They both check out the site and just start poking things randomly and the dialogue is astounding.

 High tech analysis with a volt meter tells us zombies afoot. Yeah a volt meter. Guess a PK meter prop was hard to build. Couldn't have bought one on Ebay I guess.

That can't be good for her back.

This wide spread contagion is...well a few zombies here and there.

Burns still packing his rod has to smoke zany assistant.  Thank Christ.   I wanted to murder him and blame it as he was turning into a zombie a half hour prior.  Voice was so shrilly.

Oooo new characters.  Will we have scintillating dialogue, meaning and in depth looks into the human psyche? Course not, Schnaas films don't have time for that sh*t.   Besides he had to go take a dump.   His words.   Never go outdoors to piss or the self proclaimed dump. You will die.   By penetrating  Jason Vorhees demon worm??  Okay that one was different.  

It wouldn't be a Schnaas film without some good old fashioned genital mutilation.  Bet you're glad I skipped mentioning or showing that in the audio review.

Doctor Burns just starts taking these undead mothers down. Well you ain't Ash of Evil Dead or Reggie from Phantasm. Hell you're not even Captain Rhodes, buddy!

Burns stumbles and bumbles down a hill and I think is knocked unconscious as we are treated to I guess a dream sequence. The audio is painful as most of the dubbed actors weren't miked worth a damn, some sound like their in a booth, others sound like they are in a hallway.  I would dare say that footage of the C-17 cargo plane was probably along the fence line and illegally obtained.

To give credit, aside from Nikos the Impaler this is the first Schnaas film with a plot, some characters to go with the gore effects. The downside is... it was made. Okay that is all I got and I am out.

Failed hybrid clone of Steve Buscemi and Clint Howard.