Deathbed

Hey folks. Back again and hopefully dealing better with headaches. I thought we would look at some more Stuart Gordon (Re-animator, From Beyond, Castle Freak, Fortress) and the sheer bizarrity of today's movie. This time around he is producing the cinematic opus rather than writing and directing. The infamy based around the film, is based on the 1977 film Death Bed: The Bed That Eats but hopefully is better. This is Deathbed.

You fart one more time, Jerry.  I swear I'll slice it off.

The director helping our flick is one Danny Draven (I, Vampire, Horrorvision, Aliens Gone Wild, Hell Asylum, Cryptz, Dark Walker and Ghost Month) who can establish it can't rain all the time. No wait, that's Eric Draven. Apologies. Our film is in the setting of a red brick apartment with an amazing view of the Hollywood sign and ambient lighting.

Our young and naive couple Karen (Tanya Dempsey of Shrieker, Dead 7, Witchhouse 3: Demon Fire, The Coven, Demon's Kiss, Hell Asylum, Flash!, Guardian of the Realm and Timeline)and Jerry (Brave Matthews of Visions, Birth Rite, Cake: A Wedding Story, A Song for the Dead and Starf*cker) decide to check move in and all is well with them, their relationship and current abode until... dun dun dun! Karen hears screams, pleas for help coming out a nook or attic. Unlike typical horror characters, she actually calls for help but in the form of the landlord. Lady, 911.

Landlord/former Vietnam Vet Art (Joe Estevez of Terminal Exposure, Soultaker, Werewolf, Fatal Pursuit, Rollergator, Samurai Cop 2: Deadly Vengeance and Fangs Vs.Spurs) pop the door to discover a vintage bed from the 1930s so naturally call "Dibs!" and so how that works. Naturally no woman is found, Art and Karen take it downstairs to clean it up and she wants to keep it. Um there was dried blood on the foot rest. Call me a prude but this thing doesn't look particularly safe.

Hellraiser remake or porn shoot?  You decide.

Jerry is at his photo shoot which given the amount of refracted light I think his client is Hustler. Recess light and natural lighting, dude. So Jerry gets back after a grueling few hours to Karen in her bra, thong and see through nightie. Hmm, pretty sure she has the evening planned. Holy God there were enough candles in there, lit to start a brush fire. It's a dry state, people. About an 8 minute sex scene that...kinda drags. Also really got tired of Jerry's albeit tone but very pale butt.

Karen starts having rape scenarios in her head, losing her mind as it were and her art projects of the bed are completely different from what she drew prior. So because of this Jerry and Karen agree she need therapy and some hypno-regression. Yup, Karen got bad touched as a child. What does this add to the story?   Not a damn thing.   Well thanks, movie.   Appreciate that.

Joe springs into action!!

Jerry was as sensitive as a sandpaper condom about Karen's repressed memory and we are treated to a girl with a pixie cut waiting to have Jerry. Well, the wife's away. I see nothing bad happening here.

Karen and Jerry both see the girl separate times and gasp! She's not alive and could possibly own the bed. Look, the original Deathbed: The Bed That Eats was not brilliant by any means but at least it was striving for a plot. Kinda. Somewhat. Okay not really but dammit it tried.

Karen goes to alert Art about her findings to found him somehow strangled to death with his tie. Annnd now your prints are all over the body, Karen. Smooth.

Our doofus duo decide it's time to leave but will they ever escape the bed's grasp?

Normally I try to give a fair shake and given how much I love Stuart Gordon's work I thought this production would be worth his time.   However, the pace is slow, there is not real action, the sex scenes are fairly vanilla and the acting comes off a bit wooden. With some decent FX, a few well timed jump scares and some gore for the climax, it isn't going to escape your attention that for the first hour NOTHING HAPPENS.

So if you need some tired horror tropes, a few cheap scares and splatter material, this is your movie. If you need characters, plot, a story arc or maybe even just motivation for the people being there, this very well may not be the film you're looking for.

Hopefully tomorrow I will have my interview with the very lovely and talented Christine Nguyen. Yeah branching out. I can't just watch schlock films for you all. That's what the YouTube channel is for.

Best Family Circus EVER!!!