The Butchers

 Greetings Readers of the Rotten. Well I'm back with a much requested horror movie. Yeah I'm thrilled to be diving back into this genre (he said with the greatest amount of sarcasm), so we will see if this is remotely entertaining. A gathering of strangers on a bus having their bus break down, brings them to a house and yes THEY READ FROM THE BOOK! This is The Butchers a.k.a. Death Factory a.k.a. The Factory 

 

Silent but deadly...

 

 

 

 

 

Now the film I found had the title "Death Factory" but it was not the Brad Sykes 2002 movie. So it is a film of alternative titles!!! YAY! Always a good sign! Yes we have the trope goodness of young teens to 20 somethings recipe of disturbing the dead, the monster, the ancient curse. Those pesky kids with their boozing, fornication and loving life. Our opening credits look like a combo platter of Super 8 movies, old stills, TV static and an acid trip. Combining eerie chamber music with these visions makes this flick already bizarre. Oh and I forgot the biggest spoilers of them all, the fricking serial killer trial publications. Way to let that one slip out of the bag.

Brothers Simon (Damien Puckler of 666: The Beast, Death Racers, Camel Spiders, Grimm,Chase and Redwood Massacre: Annihilation) and Brian (Cameron Bowen of Blue's Clues, Touched by an Angel, Fraiser, Disney Golf, American Dreams, Seabiscuit, Mystic River, Wristcutters: A Love Story, Young Justice, and Young Justice: Legacy) are stuck on a bus, Simon relives a nightmare of him killing his father after his father slain his mother. Always a classic, right?

 

That chick in the earlier picture float an air biscuit?

 

 

 

 

 

Meanwhile a eerie looking lawyer JB (Semi Anthony of Circle of Influence, Against the Grain, The Chosen Ones, Death Factory, Modern Family, Triumph, Abby Grace and Headgame) is "hell bent" to purchase this a museum honoring serial killers or edifying them. The landowner on the other hand, he doesn't feel like selling in spite of the generous offer by JB.   JB decides to fall back on his second offer and stabs said landowner to death and get on about his business.   His business is reading from THE BOOK OF THE DEAD??!!! He get that from Ashley J Williams??!  Ash drop that on eBay?!   Actually, that does sound like a bonehead move Ash would do.  Don't forget to say every, tiny syllable.

The museum happens to hold the blood samples of all said serial killers. Hold up. Suspending disbelief here. Since when did this particular ghoulish effect occur in forensics?  Why would law enforcement as far back as Albert Fish a.k.a. The Cannibal Vampire would have blood samples and how on God's green Earth and convoluted plot line would this dinky museum have the money, power and connections to acquire their blood???

 

Daggum CGI fires!

 

 

 

 

 

 

At this point, the bus breaks down in the same dinky, ghost town and our passengers are forced off the bus for repairs.  PLOT POINT!!!  Let's get a Mouseketeer line-up of our soon-to-be deadies. There's plucky Nicole (Ire Wardlaw of Leverage, Hopelessy in June, Blackstar Warrior, Gone Girl, Intruder and State of Desolation), premiscous Candi (Charito Mertz of Passions, The Suite Life of Zack & Cody, Greek, Days of Our Lives, Trapped: Haitian Nights, Next Stop fo Charlie, CityBird and FCU: Fact Checkers Unit), steadfast Star (actress/stunt person Tonya Kay of The Muppets, Fully Loaded, Silverwood: Final Recordings, Raze, The Lone Ranger, Dark Space, The Kill Corporation, Nightmare Code, Bastard, The Other Wife, The Amityville Terror, The Fosters and A Better Place), doofus horndog Kip (Jacob Hobbs of Almost a Woman, Hercules, Death Factory, Headgame and Army of One), bellicose Ren (Jeremy Thorsen of America's Court with Judge Ross, Decisions, Tosh.0, Girls of Sunset Place, B4, Deadly Wives and Hotels Secrets & Legends), Daisy (Mily Sanders of Profiler, Boyz Nite Out/Grrlz Nite in, The Removals, Humbug, Sunday Driver and Here Piggy Piggy) and...Bill (Braxton Davis of Samurai Cop 2: Deadly Vengeance, The Ghetto, WEAPONiZED, A Weekend with the Family, Let It Bleed, Causal Encounters, Better Criminal, The Aliens and American Exorcism).

Off the bus and screwing around, Ren and Star find the Book of the Dead and OF COURSE they read from it, thus resurrecting six nutter butters to a night of holy terror.  SMOOOOTH!!! Your encore is what?  Bad touching someone's mother while simultaneously pouring sugar in my gas tank??!!

 

Tee hee. Plot development.

 

 

 

 

 

 

And yes, yes yes fellas, there's titty. Every friggin' time I review a slasher film, it is almost always asked so yes bewbs are a happenin'. They can't further the plot, but they can momentarily distract you.

Let's not make this out like all I am doing is bashing the film. This was a professional crew, lighting, sound and film all commercial grade, the cast did their best with the given dialogue and money was made.   Thing is I simply was not captured by it.   So at the end of the day I was not emotionally invested in the film and this is just my opinion.   Would I advise people to watch it?  No.  That doesn't mean someone else won't watch and take away from the movie what I could not.

 

Overall, there is some clever ideas like what was done with Jack the Ripper, the SFX gore and a bit of CGI is feasible but it boils down to gore gags, less than stellar dialogue and two-dimensional characters.  That's not to say this was a bad film, it just lacked cohesion.  A lot of ideas and a limited ability to house them all.  I have seen better movies but again this wasn't crap.   A lot of thought went into it but clearly this was a real difficult one to pull off well.

Your weapons, your clothes, give them to me.

Rob Zombie's Halloween

Howdy again, Realm of Rotten Readers. I'm begging you guys to come up with something more catchy. It is just not happening for me. Okay, today on the docket has been a fan request for some time. 

 Initially I wasn't interested because I am touchy about remakes but I have been a fan of the man's writing/music and directing so let's see if the unrated version is a bit more intriguing. For some of you that asked me to NOT review this, tough. If you this does not capture your attention, I am more than certain there are other blogs out there. This is Rob Zombie's Halloween.

 

You're my only Kirk, Mr. Shatner.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yes, yes I know Carpenter fans. I am fully aware many of you booed and hissed your way through this flick. I get it. It was not your cup of tea. Let us set aside these issues before I have Malcolm McDowell Cameo the hell out of your social media! I mean, if I can afford that.

We hearken back to the days of young Michael Myers (Daeg Faerch of Dark Mirror, Halloween, Hancock, Run! Bitch Run!, Sebastian, Ditch Party and Killer Therapy) may have a few personality quirks...in the same way Attila the Hun may have had an thriving outdoors-man lifestyle.

The thing is...Zombie's idea was to step away from Carpenter's "Pure Evil" storyline because he wanted his own spin of the flick. Obviously he is a fan of the original but he didn't want to rely heavily on the existing formula. So he gave Michael a bad childhood. A bully big sister, a mother that moonlights as a stripper, a baby sister, an abusive stepfather (No not Terry o' Quinn) and he's constantly berated at school by bullies. Slowly this starts to warp the lad and the next thing you know, he's onto computer games, comic books and RPGs. Oh no, wait. He starts murdering the neighborhood pets. Some sort of catharsis strangling a cat or three. 

 

Another Craigslist Causal Encounters comes to a close.

 

 

 

 

 

 

His mother Deborah (Sherri Moon Zombie of House of 1000 Corpses, Toolbox Murders, The Devil's Rejects, Halloween, Californication, The Haunted World of El Superbeasto and The Lords of Salem) has been made aware of the strange goings on of her little boy, but it doesn't seem to register that she is raising a sociopath.  THE KID HAD A DEAD CAT IN HIS BOOK BAG!!!  How many warning sirens and klaxons you need to go off, lady?  Sheesh!  But Dopey Deborah just puts the whole scenario down as boys being boys.   WTF??!!! 

 

Just payin' for college. Honest.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Abusive stepdad Ronnie (William Forsythe of Raising Arizona, Out For Justice, Dick Tracy, Things to Do in Denver When You're Dead, Virtuosity, The Rock, Boardwalk Empire, The Mob Doctor, and The Witching Hour) is a drunk, unemployed and generally worthless. CHARACTER!

Mikey decides he's grows weary of bully beatings and catches up with one of the boys beating him repeatedly with a thick tree branch. I mean we hear the meaty thunks and the bully boy crying his eyes out. Should have popped him in the mouth, son. Would have been more mumbles than screams. It does sound pathetic as you begin to realize his parents are probably wondering why he's not back from school yet.

Oh quick note, isn't it funny that Charles Lee Ray(Brad Dourif of Child's Play) and Alex DeLarge (Malcolm McDowell of A Clockwork Orange) are pairing up to stop a serial killer?  Yeah it's food for thought, right?

Like a CGI crocodile, Michael's on a rampage as he gives Ronnie and Judith the business end of the murder tools. Also I really couldn't muster any sympathy for Ronnie and Judith, both were kind of awful. Maybe turning them into frickin' kabobs was a bit much, but I couldn't say.

40 minutes of the film is spent showing us Michael going down the rabbit hole to full blown loony tunes. The scenes with Young Michael (Daeg) and Dr. Loomis (Malcolm McDowell of A Clockwork Orange, Time After Time, Caligula, Cat People, Class of 1999, Tank Girl, Star Trek: Generations, Wing Commander, Wing Commander Academy, God of War III and Suing the Devil) establishing the rapport the boy has for his doctor as this is ultimately the only real father figure he has ever had. Loomis tries to avoid becoming attached and remain clinical but he cannot help but allow his heart to go out to one so young and lost. Granted, telling this kid that his wife has up and left as well as, most of his friends because he cannot seem to get past Michael's issues seems a tad unprofessional.

Okay the biggest complaint about this film has been that everyone working in the wacko basket is either rude, heartless or has a rape-like tendency. Seems like there were no personality screening at this nut house.

17 years institutionalized at the institute and Michael makes his move. Funny how he's as big as Tyler Mane from X-Men. Previous Michaels had suffered enough from stunt injuries. 2007? Couldn't have gotten Kane Hodder? Sure he wouldn't be playing Voorhees but I bet he could have made a fun spin on Myers. 

 

O.M.G. We're adorbs!

 

 

 

 

 

Whatever happened to Baby Boo? Well she's now Laurie Strode (Scout-Taylor Compton of Charmed, Wicked Little Things, Halloween, April Fool's Day, The Runaways, Nashville, Feral, The Lurker and Eternal Code) and thankfully she has 80s Mom badass herself, Dee Wallace! By God if there's a critter, rabid St. Bernard or pack of werewolves, Dee's got this in the bag! 

Accompanying Laurie is Annie Brackett (Halloween alumni Danielle Harris of Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers, Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers, The Last Boy Scout, Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead, Roseanne, Left for Dead, Hatchet II, Stake Land, Chromeskull: Laid to Rest 2, Hatchet III and Camp Dread) and Lynda (Kristina Klebe of Zone of the Dead, Criminal Minds, 6 Month Rule, Alter Egos, The Kiss of a Killer, Proxy, Friday the 13^th: The Game and Slay Belles)

For those not following; I will give you the heads up. Yes, there is nudity. Yes there is elaborate gore and yes there is some dialogue that will make you cringe. IT'S A SLASHER FLICK! This did not RUIN the Halloween franchise. Those precious gobbets of Horror are still out there. The original film didn't suddenly burst into flames or was written out of the spacetime contiuum.

Seriously, with the "Thorn" trilogy of Jamie, to the H20 reboot claiming 1 and 2 were the only cannon, and then the 8^th stink nugget Resurrection? Yes, clearly it was Rob Zombie's foul deeds that would ever made this garbled storyline awful. Busta Rhymes killing Michael. The hell, man?

Is this for every Halloween fan? Maybe not. While there are more orchestrated death scenes, it really feels like Zombie was doing the gore grab bag to see what looked nastier on film. Did it make money? Yes! With a budget of 15 million estimated the US Gross alone was over $58 million. Hell, opening weekend was $26 million right there.

Chronology is the biggest gripe for a lot of the critics. Most of the vehicles, music and clothing look like the late 70s, so this could simply be a nod to the original, however as the 17 years have passed, clothing styles, cars and cell phones are making their way so now it looks like the 2000s. I don't know. Hell my only real beef is an insane asylum would have metal forks around a bunch of nutter butters. You know, that whole fear that one of the inmates could use it to attack hospital staff or fellow inmates. That being said, I now want to see a graphic death scene with a spork. Am I alone on this? Huh? HUH?! 

 

With talented character actors like Bill Mosely, Ken Foree, Danny Trejo, Richard Lynch, Clint Howard, Udo Kier, Sybil Danning and Leslie Easterbrook, it is damn hard to say who I am most happy to see in a flick. Now yes, I do admit to enjoying "The Boogeyman" legend of Michael Myers and Donald Pleasence as the voice of the conscience but AGAIN, Rob wanted to do his own story. It is my firm belief if he did the exact carbon copy of Halloween; there would be even more internet troll bitch fights. Win or lose, Zombie has product, an opening, a middle and an ending. That folks, is called a movie. Whether you were expecting me to crucify it or not, I am just looking at it from my point of view and nothing more.

 

Hang on. I have my script notes here.

 

Blood Feast

Hidey-ho readers of the Rotten! More than a few of you have requested Caroline Williams movies. I had no idea there were that many Stretch fans (Main female protagonist of Texas Chainsaw Massacre II for those not in on this response) but this is certainly not the worst request in the world. The worst would probably more Andreas Snaas films. Those are as soothing as a chainsaw enema. So howzabout a splatter comedy based on the 1963 exploitation classic of the same title? This is Blood Feast a.k.a. Feast of Flesh a.k.a. The Blood Feast a.k.a.Egyptian Blood Feast

Now sweetie, Daddy just exploring new avenues.

Normally my Spidey-senses are all a tingle with multiple titles but looking at the film's cast I felt better already.   Based on Hershell Gordon Lewis (Blood Feast, Scum of the Earth, Two Thousand Maniacs!, Monster a-Go Go, Something Weird, Blast-Off Girls, She-Devils on Wheels and How to Make a Doll) exploitation splatter flick, we follow the Ramses family transitioning from France (THEY CAME FROM FRANCE) where they chose to run an All-American diner. Business is flagging a bit, clearly a sign of the times and poor economy structure.

Fuad Ramses (Robert Rusler of Weird Science, A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge, Sometimes They Come Back, Babylon 5, Wing Commander IV: The Price of Freedom, Mike Hammer, Private Eye, Cold Case, NCIS, 24, And Soul Searchers) has to bring home the bacon, he decides to forego proper sleep and takes a second job working night shift security at the prestigious museum of Egyptian culture. Throughout the nights of utter boredom and loneliness, Fuad is drawn to this stature of Ishtar. So drawn to this statue he starts seeing visions of this gorgeous goddess (Sadie Katz of Good Guys Finish Last, Hit List, House of Bad, Scorned, Wrong Turn 6: Last Resort, Grindsploitation, Unreported, The Night Shift, Bus Party to Hell and Meaning of Violence) makes demands of worship and sacrifice and Fuad falls under her spell.

Hehe, hard to stay in the lines!

When gives you lemons, you make lemonade. When life leaves you an ancient goddess that demands flesh and blood sacrifices, you make people steak?

Fuad proceeds to butcher people for the decree of Ishtar, and the meat and organs to the menu at the diner. Naturally this could be a difficult sale to his lovely wife, Louise (Caroline Williams of Almo Bay, Getting Even, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, Stepfather II, Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre III, Days of Thunder, Flashfire, Leprechuan 3, The District, The Division, The Unleashed, Abolition, the Mentalist and Monsterpiece Theatre Volume 1) who is equally tired from back breaking work and sees this as a blessing. The doozy is breaking this particular level of messed up is giving their college aged daughter Penny (Sophia Monk of Monster!, The Mystery of Natalie Wood, London, Pool Guys, Date Movie, Click, Sex and Death 101, Entourage, Spring Breakdown, The Hills Run Red, Life Blood and Hard Breakers) in on the new family secret.

Dangerous and dishy.

This could be equally bad as Penny has been in a relationship with the Sheriff's officer, Fatih (Roland Freitag of Iron Wolf, Das Tagebuch der Grete Muller, #funnyFACE and Blood Feast) so I can only hope she can make with the deception. Faud starts getting screwy...well screwier when you dine on human flesh you have murdered and butchered yourself. Yeah go figure that eating people would make you a bit off. With bodies piling up and people disappearing, you would naturally assume the cops would start piecing this together but in true horror trope fashion, these guys couldn't distinguish their asses from holes in the ground. And yes because I get asked it almost every time I review horror (YES THERE IS TITTY!) so that has been answered. Sorry again, lady readers but I get this particular cliche more times that I would care to admit.

This normally tallies at 90 minutes, there is also the Blu-ray version at 96 minutes and the Director's Unrated Cut finishes at 98 minutes. And yes I saw the Unrated Cut because...well it was the one I clicked on.

To anyone with eyes, the remake is a love letter for the original. The elaborate sets, the slow drawn out story and going for a bit more gore than the 1968 version. Our cast is amazing with the material. I am not certain who I found more captivating: Robert Rusler's slip from working class schlep to a spiral into madness and devote follower of Ishtar or Caroline Williams' just accepting this insane course of actions to help the family business or the craving of flesh.

I am really confused why this film has gotten so much crap from IMDB readers and non-profit critics. The film has good suspense, decent build-up into the evil, dark humor and making the hairs on my neck stand up. Seriously guys and gals, why the hate? Hell for that matter the late great Herschell Gordon Lewis makes a cameo as Professor Lou Hershell.

Director Marcel Walz (Camp Corpses, Kadaver, Road Rip, Popular, Raw: The Curse of Grete Muller, Seed 2, La Petite Mort II, Raw 3: The Revelation of Grete Muller and Rootwood) plays up with an updated script lingo wise but kept the core of the story giving an macabre tale of family and struggling business. 

Meh, beats EBT.

Countess Dracula

Apologies for being vacant to the blog. Freelancing writing and Rotten Riffs writing has made me busy. So after a series of different film requests, I decided I would pick my own review for a change. I felt like exploring towards a Hammer film. It's been awhile so clearly it is time to give it a view. Our story is an old tale of Countess Elizabeth Bathory and her unique bathing habits of virgin girls' blood. This is Countess Dracula.

Ms. Pitt if you're nasty.

Released back in 1971, this was a double bill with Vampire Circus during its marquee debut. Wasn't that a nifty film fact?

Brought to us by director Peter Sasdy (Journey to the Unknown, Journey Into Darkness,Taste the Blood of Dracula, Hands of the Ripper, Doomwatch, Nothing But the Night, Orson Welles' Great Mysteries, 1990, Return of the Saint and Sherlock Homes and Doctor Watson) and I last beheld his work in Taste the Blood of Dracula. Our aging countess Elizabeth (Ingrid Pitt of Where Eagles Dare,The Vampire Lovers, Countess Dracula, The Wicker Man, Octopussy, The Comedy of Errors, Doctor Who, Bones, Underworld and Hanna's War) discovered a way to revive youth, beauty and even sex drive by bathing in the blood of young women.

Gypsies, tramps and thieves...

Her faithful servant and lover Captain Dobi (Nigel Green of Zulu, The Ipcress File, Jason and the Argonauts, The Ruling Class, Clochemerle, The Protectors and Gawain and the Green Knight) in league with her maid Julie (Patience Collier of House of Cards, Baby Love, Every Home Should Have One, Perfect Friday, Countess Dracula, Fiddler on the Roof, Endless Night, Shoulder to Shoulder, David Copperfield,Who Pays the Ferryman? And Sapphire & Steel) as she commands them to fetch young, nubile girls for draining the precious bodily fluids (Yes I did make a Doctor Strangelove reference.) Also how convincing is your argument telling subordinates to capture young women for nefarious deeds, let alone where do you conceal the bodies?

So to conceal her nefarious deeds, the countess takes on the persona of her daughter Ilona (Lesley-Anne Down of The Smashing Bird I Used to Know, All the Right Noises, Assault, From Beyond the Grave, Brannigan, The First Great Train Robbery, Hanover Street, Arch of Triumph and Nomads) of which she sent the good Captain to watch over her and while the cat's away the mouse picks up a new lover in the form of Lt. Toth (Sandor Eles of Marked Personal, The Tunnel, Love and Death, Eleanor Marx, The Assignment, The Foundation, The Treachery Game, Crossroads and Sherlock Holmes and the Leading Lady).

This necklace will really accent my breasts.

After using the blood of a prostitute, the adverse effects cause the countess to age rapidly and the town historian, Fabio (Maurice Denham of Animal Farm, The Alphabet Murders, Nicholas and Alexandra, The Day of the Jackal, Behaving Badly, Lovejoy, Inspector Morse, Peak Practice, The Bill and Pie in the Sky) has noticed the steady decline of virgin girls. I guess he has a doctorate in that too. Maybe he has the stick from Lair of the White Worm, the virgin dowsing rod if you will. The saddest problem is the town while under superstition, and they really have no true desire to send out search parties for these missing girls. This has been going on for months and what? It was a series of wolf attacks? Some wily bear murdering young girls? I just wondered how they justify their cowardice.

Now some fun film facts. Oh suck it up and just read.

Elton John makes a cameo appearance as one of the villagers and yes I immediately recognized the ROCKET MAAAAAN... Ingrid Pitt replaced Diana Rigg for the lead role. Apparently Ingrid Pitt was voice dubbed and she was pissed at director Peter Sasdy for such and refused to speak to him again.

As this was a bit typical for Hammer at this timeline, that sexy girls on the screen kept men's butts in seats but you probably already gathered that. With this said, the costumes, the orchestral soundtrack and professional film crew does the film justice. No I am not anti-boobies, fellas. It does just get a tad bit tiresome after enough of these flicks. Yes the parable or allegory of aging gracefully, being jealous of the young and how women are often judged by aging are all here. In spite of her monstrous ways of slaughtering girls, you can't help but feel bad for her as well. It is a true split of horror and compassion.

Sorry I heard nothing. I was gawking at your breasts.

Doom Asylum

So back again with a fan request. Yeah (sigh) one of those. Look, I am very appreciative of fan feedback but some of these "films" are pretty painful to sit through. Maybe a nice Billy Wilder movie? Anyway, today's moving picture has a member of Sex and the City, a deformed slasher and a punk band that performs in an abandoned mental asylum. This is Doom Asylum a.k.a. House of Horror.

Grandma Rotty?!

Director Richard Friedman (Tales from the Darkside, Scared Stiff, Friday the 13^th: The Series, Phantom of the Mall: Eric's Revenge, Baywatch Nights, Ground Zero, Halfway to Hell and Love Hurts) working with the script penned by Rick Marx (In Love, Nasty Girls, Sex Spa U.S.A., Maid in Manhattan, Bordello: House of the Rising Sun, Warrior Queen and Gor) so this could be a world of hurt. Of course the director that brought me a cinematic treasure like Darkwolf it...oh wait, I didn't care for that flick. Yup this is gonna hurt.

We open our movie with lawyer Mitch Hansen (Michael Rogen of Doom Asylum, Basket Case 2, Punch the Clock, Wings, Midnight Caller and Tribeca) and his bubbly fiancee Judy (Patty Mullen of Doom Asylum, The Equalizer and Frankenhooker) are cruisin' across the back roads for a 5 million lawsuit and naturally celebrating with champagne while driving. Rut Roh, this is moving into The BrainThat Wouldn't Die territory (FYI watch the MST3K version) and of course we have an accident.

Yeah Highway head. What could go wrong?

Before we go further, yes menfolk there's titty. I know, I know the mention of jiggly girls, nerds vs punks and a mangled serial killer just couldn't have possibly captivated your attention.

Well Mitch is up on the slab for his autopsy. I got to ask why would there even be a need for an autopsy? Booze will still be in his system, that's a quick tox screening and the car was smashed pretty good. Open and shut case, baby. Yes I know, suspend disbelief. 

With a face resembling beef jerky, Mitch has had a tough day, so adding incompetence of the morgue attendee and his intern should really make his afternoon all a flutter. Mitch awakes on the slab and it's good bye morgue docs. Five minutes in and we cut to title cards and opening credits. Lot of pan shots of the abandoned asylum of which a bulk of the film will be taking place in. I heard weird damn near orgasmic moans, cat yowls and manic laughter. The film font for our title looked like a WB cartoon from the 50s. Biggest gripe of this opening is the camera doesn't appear to be on a stabilizer, so we have unintentional shaky cam.

Throw us some beads!!!

10 years later (in the film, not how long it took me to finish this), a gaggle of kids are out and about for some boozing and screwing and babbling about urban legend killers. Say aren't these slasher tropes? Darnell (Harrison White of Se7en, Like a Woman Should, L.A. Noire, The Muppets, Replaced, Bones, Maron, Dads, Rizzoli & Isles and Venice the Series) and his Goof Troop (I mean friends. Yeah friends) Jane (Kirstin Davis of General Hospital, Nine Months, Melrose Place, Three Days, Sex and the City, Soccer Moms and Couples Retreat) Dennis (Kenny L. Price of Doom Asylum), Mike (William Hay of Doom Asylum) and Kiki (Patty Mullen playing a duo role, this time as her previous character's daughter). This outing reminds Kiki this around the area where her mother died in a car accident. WOOO HOOO!!! PARTY DOWN!!! Wtf?!

Kiki and Mike have a heart to heart and well her other friends...they're kind of dicks. "Yer mom's dead! Move on." "I'm hungry!" Yeah glad to be partying with these shitbirds.

There's a legend in these here woods. About a killer known only as Mitch! I mean The Coroner. That he does away with his victims with autopsy tools. Yup that's about it. I imagine you are disappointed with this legend as much as I. Seriously, no Jason Voorhees level back story of the tragic loss of Mitch's face and his dead fiancee. Nothing.

The asylum apparently has a theater stage. Was that for the nutty talent show every year? What sounds like a banshee with a tit caught in a Cuisinart is actually our half-assed punk band.

It becomes this mediocre squabble between the Goof Troop and the pseudo punkers. Seriously? Starting a punk band in 1989? Bit late for that movement, right? 20 minutes into the film we start thinning the cast of one dimensional characters and thank God for that. I don't normally just start trashing a movie due to low budget or having a bunch of kids that never acted and so on but wow this was awful. There is some comedy in this, some of the one-liners from Beef Jerky Krueger are decent enough but overall the lead punk's annoying cackle made me want to burn The Plasmatic albums I have.  Gore effects are fair, a smart move having one main set but unfeasible that no one would have fled from it on foot or in the car. The camera blocking was alright but I really felt a stabilizer would have improved several shots.

Are we meeting our skin quota?

This movie was shot in eight days in an actual abandoned nut house in Verona, New Jersey and was deemed Kristin Davis' first full-length feature film. Ah a proud IMDB addition to the filmography.

Overall take away from this 78 minute movie? A clunky trope-laden film with gore gags, over the top dialogue and cheesy one-liners. No clear direct motive of killing the kids with the exception, he's crazy. Hell even the trip out of creeper former nut house made no damn sense at all. Story wise I had no clue what was going on and it is happenstance Coroner Mitch even bumped into Kiki so their whole potential story arc was shot to Hell and back.

My take from this is: a fine film for drinking games. If you need to riff a turd, look no further.

Pleatherface...

Forbidden World

Hey gang! Back again! Aren't you thrilled to your very core? So apparently I need to widen the variety of cheesy movies, so we are taking in a Corman produced flick. Imagine Alien if it had wall to wall nudity, sex and less than satisfactory editing? Chuck in some Jim Wynorksi penmanship, SFX exploitation gore and monster creation and we have a recipe that is a few alternative titles. This is Forbidden World a.k.a. Mutant a.k.a. Subject 20

What is that, Galaxia in the background?

In the not-too-distant future, (where have I heard that? Huh.)at a research center in the far and remote desert moon of Xarbia (sounds like a floor wax), a crack research team has created an artificial life-form they have dubbed "Subject 20". They weren't really good at naming things.

The concept behind this creation, this Proto B is to end galactic hunger! Which admittedly that is kind of awesome. HOWEVER!.. Subject 20 takes on a life of its own,undergoes extensive mutations and proceeds to snatch up all the lab animals before undergoing further metamorphose.

Fortunately we've got professional troubleshooter Mike Colby (Jesse Vint of Centennial, Hometown U.S.A., Belle Starr, On the Line, Another Chance, Dark Angel, The Temp, Dreamers and Monkey Love) and his droid SAM-104 (Don Olivera of Android and Forbidden World) are on the case and know their cheese. Colby? See what I did there? Oh fine. Please yourselves.

Escape From..the steam vents.

Not sure why Dr. Glaser (June Chadwick of The Last Horror Film, This Is Spinal Tap, Magnum, PI., V, The A-Team, Riptide, Jumpin' Jack Flash, Headhunter and Going to Extremes) and lab assistant Tracy (Dawn Dunlap of Liar's Moon, Forbidden World, Night Shift and Heartbreaker) needed to shower and canoodle other than nudity clause but I am certain it was integral to the plot. Possibly. Maybe. Hell I don't know.

My biggest concern was the state of Dr. Cal Timbergen's (Fox Harris of Hammett, Human Highway, My Favorite Year, Repo Man, Sid and Nancy, Armed Response, Straight to Hell, Walker, Warlords, Terror Eyes and Alienator) lab coat looking like an extra in Evil Dead 2. Seriously it is spattered with fluids the crux of the film. It's called fluff and fold, dude!

Some film facts now but first, a slight warning. For the photophobic fans, there is some strobing lights in throughout the film, it kind of hurt my eyes so anyone seizure prone might want to skip the flick.

Previously, on The Mandalorian...

Shockingly enough the same film sets for Galaxy of Terror also were used for Battle Beyond the Stars and our own Mutant here. Hey if you can light it differently and get a new blocking on the preexisting work, I say do it! Hell, I'm in favor of us repositioning the set and making the corridors appear the same. Saving on the budget.

The Mutant a.k.a. Subject 20 is just enough of a change up that Giger wouldn't have sued for intellectual property rights. It looks different enough that people wouldn't lose their minds. Well that's not true. Probably a gaggle of hardcore Ripley Scott fans easily aggravated about that but again, pleasing everyone is more of a BeeGees vibe. Always be Zeppelin instead.

Director/editor Allan Holzman (Forbidden World, Out of Control, Programmed to Kill, Intimate Stranger, Sounds of Memphis, My Marilyn, The Art of Directin: Frank Capra, The Art of Directing: John Huston and The Art of Directing: David Lean) also used existing footage of Battle Beyond the Stars for filler and expansive star battle.

Writer Tim Curnen (Forbidden World, Ghost Warrior and Supreme Warrior) and Writer/Director/Producer/Actor Jim Wynorski (Chopping Mall, Big Bad Momma II, Not of This Earth, The Return of Swamp Thing, Sorority House Massacre II, Dinosaur Island, Demolition High, Raptor, Cheerleader Massacre, Vampire in Vegas and Sharkansas Women's Prison Massacre) co-wrote this little space opera and honestly, I had fun with it. Sure there's a touch of camp to it, yes there is a fair degree of sex and nudity but this was going to happen.

What feels like a hybrid of Alien, Leviathan and Emannuelle in Space, this film has its entertaining moments. I was just laughing at seeing the use of clipboards, RCA TV screens as viewing monitors and ultimately this is a splatter fest Sci-Fi Horror film.

It just happens to have a substantial amount of nudity in it. Go figure. All in all, it's not going to please everyone but for those feeling there's a few plot holes, there's tits. So much so I could not find a single trailer that didn't flash cans on the screen. Go look it up yerselves, pervs. This here is a more PG-13 kind of blog.

Clipboards...OF THE FUTURE!!!

Sister Street Fighter: Hanging by a Thread

Hey all. Back from my much requested "Outbreak" demands and I plan to review one tomorrow.

I am hoping it won't be insanely depressing. How about a karate film with a heroine up to her shapely hips in a gaggle of smugglers, gangsters and prostitutes? Now while that was setup sounds filthy as it was intended; it makes it no less accurate.  From the Dragon Princess and Sister Street Fighter, comes "Sue" Etsuko Shihomi back in action with the following sequel.  This is Sister Street Fighter: Hanging by a Thread a.k.a. Sister Street Fighter in Danger a.k.a. Female Killing Fist- Crisis Resolved a.k.a. Return of the Female Killing Fist a.k.a. Sister Streetfighter 2

Hey she took Elvis's shades!

Yes the multiple titles means several foreign re-releases from those 20 to 200 Karate movie packs so yes this could be a concern on the quality of the film. Let us not forget Dragon Princess and Sister Street Fighter are both in Public Domain so take your small comfort. Let's check this out, shall we?

We have our Toei Company logo of waves smacking the rocks below and right into a three minute fight choreography intro. This is not uncommon with the Karate and Kung Fu flicks of the 1970s. So we see Sue in full form, whipping nun-chucks and snap kicks looking fearless.

Etsuko Shihomi(The Street Fighter, Sister Street Fighter, Karate Inferno, The Great Chase, Bullet Train, Karate Bear Fighter, Return of the Sister Street Fighter, Dragon Princess and Sister Street Fighter: Fifth Level Fist) reprises her Koryu Li character in this sequel and this time around she searching for Birei (Hisako Tanaka of Sister Street Fighter: Hanging by a Thread and The Great Chase), a former schoolmate of Li's has gotten into trouble.

Her friend's uncle asks Koryu to look in on Birei because he is convinced she is mixed up with some shady cats and that's no good. It seems Birei was kidnapped by some gangsters. They specialize in smuggling and prostitution, so these guys are clearly easy going and fun loving. Oh wait; that's hippies and not gangsters. My apologies. They're hightailing it to Tokyo for their ill-gotten gains.

Not Sonny Chiba!

No sooner does Koryu get to Tokyo she has a turbulent taxi ride. Apparently the gang was ready for her. She defeats crooked Cabbie's Kung Fu in the train yard only to square off with a swarmy nun-chuck hitter and his ninja nerds four. Sorry but these guys don't exactly put the fear of God in you like the Hand via Daredevil, Iron Fist or The Defenders.

The fight choreography on the train tops was fun and clever and probably dangerous as Hell. While Koryu's Karate is true and solid, she needs to level up if she is to defeat the boss and his evil gang. The prostitute's hinders are being used to smuggle diamonds. Surgically implanted in their buttocks, not jammed up them.  Sheesh, you sickos.  One can only assume their man whores have to balloon black tar heroin or get it shoved into their collective wangs.

By the power of GRAYSKULL!!!

Koryu meets up with her sister, (Tamayo Mitsukawa of Hoshi no flamenco, Hibotan bakuto: Jingi tooshimasu, Sister Street Fighter: Hanging by a Thread and Kozure okami)Hakuran and tells her what is going on and sis won't have anything to do with it but offers her apartment for a place to crash while she is on vacation. Yet as Koryu sleeps, the bad guys send another assassin after her. Um they just follow her around Tokyo or is this gang that connected? Seriously, what kind of spotters and surveillance are they doing around town?

And she does team up but not with Sonny Chiba this time. I know, I thought it blasphemy as well.

Instead she has a questionable guy Tsubaki (Yasyaki Kurata of The Fists of Vengeance, The Godfather Squad, Fight! Dragon, Return of the Sister Street Fighter, Challenge Me Dragon and Secret of the Shaolin Poles) that has his own motives for assisting her.

This is standard martial arts exploitation 101, protagonist given a quest, fights a ton of bad guys, deals with the boss battle and saves the day.

As Koryu fends off each weapon bound nutter butter we get to find out each assailant's name and fighting style. That's handy when I need to pick them out in a line up for the cops. Yes officer, that man right there. He was using Korean Kung Fu. No doubt in my mind.

Biggest pet peeves is the storyline isn't anything really different or that clever and the fricking handheld camera work for most of the fight scenes gets a little nauseating. Not sure what veteran director Kazuhiko Yamaguchi (Sister Street Fighter, Wolf Guy, Karate Bullfighter, Karate Bear Fighter, Karate Warriors, Return of the Sister Street Fighter) was thinking with all the handheld. Surely a crane shot or a dolly cam would have been reasonable. I am amazed I haven't had a migraine from this handheld nonsense.

The original poster was very misleading as Etsuko Shihomi is posed in shorty shorts and go-go boots. How dare you, movie poster!  Is it a decent follow-up from Sister Street Fighter?  Not really.  The story is lack luster, Etsuko is amazing as always but the fights drag on or are very abrupt. Tempo, movie tempo. The evil boss cackles way too often and his whole underworld connections tend to stand out in a crowd a bit too easily.  The way Koryu is able to track these guys down so quickly without resorting to Batman level of interrogation of thugs?  C'mon!

Here's hoping the next sequel is better. 

Shhh, Sue beefed.

Conquest

What's this? A Sword and Sorcery movie made by that "Horror mogul" Lucio Fulci? But all he does is Horror...and some child movies, Westerns and it's almost like no one researches this director worth a damn. Predominately Fulci is known for his Gates of Hell Trilogy (City of the Living Dead, The Beyond and The House By the Cemetery) and folks seem to forget how versatile Italian directors had to be from the 70s to 80s. But really a guy with a magical bow that can rid the world of its evil? That man has made enemies he doesn't even know exists. This is Conquest a.k.a. Mace the Outcast.

Femme Arrow.

Let's address the biggest issue of this movie. FOG!   Yeah throughout this whole movie is a fog-like effect around the screen, whether it is a veil over the camera or a ton of foggers, it dominates the movie. Yes it hurt my photophobic eyes something fierce.

A young warrior in training, Ilias (Andrea Occhipinti of Augh! Augh!, Priest of Love, The New York Ripper, A Blade in the Dark, The Sun Also Rises, Miranda, The Family, Control, The Jeweller's Shop, Running Away, Love of Man and Queens) is on a quest to deal with evil and then it dawns on me that I recognize him from The New York Ripper and started laughing. Better known to being sensitive and complex characters rather than heroic figures. He has been charged with a quest to end the corruption of Ocron. The god Chronos bequeath Ilias a magical bow which is his ascend to manhood??  Okay.

All of the sudden, it's Cave Dwellers now.

Our villainess of this piece, Ocron (Sabrina Siani of White Cannibal Queen, Cannibal Terror, College Girl on Vacation, Blue Island, Daughter of the Jungle, Gunan, King of the Barbarians, Ator,the Fighting Eagle, 2020 Texas Gladiators and The Throne of Fire)and yes she is almost completely nude through the entire film.  A sorceress that charmed her legions of darkness...by sleeping with them.  .Spider-Men, Dog-Men, zombies and various other animal men.  Yeah she's filled with darkness...and animal men.  She claims to the people that she is responsible to rising and setting of the sun and they believe her. That she is in league with the sun goddess and hold her audience. Methinks the village isn't particularly bright. I mean they sent one guy out to deal with this so yeah I am baffled.

Whatchu mean I gotta star in Werewolf?

Our protagonist is a mere man that only skill set really is uncanny accuracy with his bow. He needs help. Enter Mace (Jorge Rivero of Rio Lobo, The Two Brothers, Guns and Guts, The Bullfighters, The Last Hard Men, Erotica, Priest of Love, Killing Machice and Counterforce) a muscle bound ranger that talks to the animals. Think less Dar of The Beastmaster and more Kronk of The Emperor's New Groove. Mace's wig is pretty awful. Looks like they grabbed a beaver pelt and plunked it on his head. Maybe got around to scooping organs and bones out of it, maybe.

Given the time this was released we can have our outrage of Conan the Barbarian rip-off; or we could also point out such films like Iron Master, The Beastmaster and Ator, the Fighting Eagle and realize these Sword and Sorcery stories pretty commonplace in the 1980s and prone to a fair amount of nudity and violence. That being said a lot of creativity in some of these Sci-Fi Fantasy jiggle fests IF they could ratchet in how much T&A they drop into film to film. Not gonna lie ladies, there's pillaging in this film. No I was blissfully unaware of that UNTIL I laid eyes on it. Yeah I'm not thrilled.

Loved Mace has stone nunchuks but what was disturbing is Mace wore the mark of Eibon from The Beyond on his forehead so I am wondering if they simply wanted to link the two movies or was this a story of Eibon before The Beyond establishing the ancient mythos being fact. Mace and Ilias' quest seems primarily based around fighting the werewolf men, shooting pervy old men and porking their fill of cave women. Don't worry, our heroes do get their asses handed to them several times, have the manly embraces and do not dally from their goal.

For some reason we need fricking zombies. Yeah that seems to be a staple for Fulci. I was waiting for zombies in his western flicks too. Hmm actually the Zombi of the Old West actually sounds awesome. Nudity and gore gags aside, something about this film compels you to keep watching it to the end.

Okay so this wasn't Shakespeare. Neither was Conan the Barbarian, The Beastmaster or Ator, the Fighting Eagle. This is a popcorn movie with sci-fi fantasy about two mortal men facing ridiculous odds for a bunch of unseen or unnamed peasants. They suffer the slings and arrows of mass pummeling in order to dive into the struggle of the light and the darkness.

Yes fellas reading this, this is chock full of titty. You can relax now. I have plenty of spoilers that utterly baffled me on this movie but you will have to read someone else's blog because I don't do spoilers as a rule.

Dessstro!!!