Killer Crocodile

Hey gang. Sinuses hate severe weather transitions. So I thought we would endure a creature feature today. Similar to the 1950s to 1960s, Atomic radiation was the cause for gigantism,mutations and rabid creatures; the 1980s was all about nuclear waste causing superheroes ROUS (Rodents of Unusual Size), CHUDs (Cannibalistic Humanoids Underground Dwellers) and those pesky Ninja Turtles. So with that trope at the ready, did I mention this is an Italian creature feature produced by Fulvia Film? This is Killer Crocodile a.k.a. Murder Alligator.

Yer dead meat, Paul Hogan!

Yessir, that is the production company who brought us eerie films like Fulci's The House by the Cemetery and The Beyond...of course they also put up money for Joe D' Amato's Emanuelle and the Last Cannibals or Marino Girolami's Zombie Holocaust. You know you have high hopes for this movie when the alternative title is about a completely different species.

Our director/producer Fabrizio De Angelis ( is primarily for action films like Thunder, Deadly Impact, The Manhunt, Operation Nam, Thunder II, Karate Warrior, The Overthrow, Thunder III, Karate Warrior 2, and The Last Match) has a tall order to fill. Radioactive creature that somehow doesn't warp the vegetation and animals around it.

A group of 20 somethings start investigating the very site. Oh Corporate America, you'd got away with it if it weren't for them meddling kids. The leader of the pack, wildlife photographer Kevin (Richard Anthony Crenna of The Blob, The Great Los Angeles Earthquake, Predator 2, Chicago Hope, Roswell and Landspeed) senses a mystery, teen gang and fires up the Mystery Machine to head into the unknown fracas awaiting them. He and his band of enthusiastic environmentalists just knows in their heart of hearts, nuclear waste is making its way into the swamps, thus damaging this ecosystem for the sake of cost to overhead. Yup, never heard that happening in a creature feature via the 1980s.

Nuclear spillage for us Gen X crowd meant superheroes, supervillains, zombies, ROUS (Rodents of Unusual Sizes), giant killer plants and more Italian post-apocalyptic futures were we wouldn't even see the millennium happen.

So I'm prescribing a topical cream for those gaping wounds.

For my younger readers, Nuclear waste or power was the equivalent of Atomic waste and power was in the 1950s. For your generation, you hear all the dangers of genetic manipulation, engineering and splicing.

Naturally the elected town officials want to keep this quiet for the sake of the population...and their re-elections. Jobs, not People! Hmm that may possibly be the crappiest slogan.

A quick side note, I can't help but feel like this is a direct competition with the Jaws franchise and the 1979 Giant Alligator but this could be my opinion and no one else. That being said, the creature attack theme sounds a bit too much like John Williams' Jaws theme track.

How much Jaws do we have? Well we have a Quint archetype via Joe (Ennio Girolami of The Nights of Cabiria, Fury of Achilles, The Feast of Satan, Sexy Sinners, The Last Shark, Tenebrae, 1990: The Bronx Warriors, Escape from the Bronx, Operation Nam and Sinbad of the Seven Seas) who says the croc is as good as dead.  Veritable bad ass of our picture here, folks.  Italian Lee Van Cleef (No really, looks just like the man) swears this to be so.  Crenna's Kevin feels like Hooper and Brodie combined. 

This is a No Wake zone, ya yuppie jerk!

Let's talk about the creature itself. There appears to be the rubber coated foam one that floats in the water, the animatronic head popping out of the water and savaging the locals and a POV version showing more teeth than the entire Osmond family. Again younger readers, this is a Donny and Marie Osmond reference. Hey, nutty idea. Look some of these up yourselves.

Now overall the effects are serviceable, the bladders that seem to blood gyser their way through removed limbs could have been done with a tad more accuracy but this is still fairly experimental FX. In daylight, it looks pretty hokey. Night shots however is flat out awesome. The creature gets to pop out of the water and the ADR growls are giving it some scare. Yeah I did say growls. I know, I know. Crocs don't grow, they have a mild hiss.

Overall, you have a creature feature film that has borrowed a few ideas, tried to set it in a location of said scenarios of creature ran amok in the swamps and the officials plus some plucky kids want to stop before it's too late. Again, napalming the swamp would be bad but given the toxicity of the waters and plants via nuclear waste; the burn off might allow nature to begin anew.

The English dubbing is a bit painful and you really get the vibe the dub actors had no footage to stare at and had to go solely based on the writer's notes. (Scream like a little girl. Now scream like an elderly checkout clerk) We are not making new leaps and bounds but this being a horror film lacks nudity, mild swearing and the blood effects are tamer than a night of The Walking Dead.

Unintentionally funny and riffers would have a field day with it. Make it a drinking game to say, "Screw you, Liver." 

Jamaican does give me gas. Ah hell, looks good.

The Revenge of Doctor X

Hey there gang! So welcoming this July in our midst, we can take in a mad scientist movie. Yeah it's been a while and clearly we were due. Howzabout a co-op of American and Japanese cast and production companies? I mean that never ends in tears, right? Okay I will level with you, I have gone a bit crackers with Public Domain and there has to be something entertaining. This is The Revenge of Doctor X.

Those tacos aren't sitting well, Walt. You may want to crack a window.

Worry not my readers, it has alternative titles. Because it wouldn't be this blog without those. Also known as: The Double Garden, Venus Flytrap, Body of the Prey, The Revenge of Dr. X and The Devil Garden. Produced by Toei Company (Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, Ghost in the Shell, Neon Genesis Evangelion, Scanners and The Way of the Dragon) and re-redistributed by New Horizons Home Video and my old nemesis, Mill Creek Entertainment; I just know I am getting something worthwhile.

Brought to me less than glorious mono, the title screen reminds me of General Hospital in the sixties and the organ music for the intro is abysmal.  Already we are off to a good start.  Scientist Dr. Bragan (James Craig of The Devil and Daniel Webster, The Omaha Trail, Seven Miles from Alcatraz, Dangerous Partners, Northwest Stampede, Code Two and Studio 57) smokes like a chimney and must launch a rocket out of Cape Canaveral. The line was brilliant. "How in the hell can anyone be so utterly stupid as to build a rocket base on the coast of Florida?!" With weather patterns being what they are, Dr. Bragan seems a trifle irked. It was then I looked at IMDB and found that the over the top dialogue is supplied by none other than Ed Wood (Glen or Glenda, Jail Bait, The Violent Years, Outlaw Queen, The Bride and the Beast, Plan 9 from Outer Space and Night of the Ghouls) so I prepare myself for the barb wire enema awaiting me.

C'mon Doc, let's go root around in our own filth.

With the tropical storm evading the launch site, all systems are go! Cue the stock footage! A few days in and there could be a possible error in their calculations. "Could be? Could be...Doctor Stanley?" Dr. Paul Nakamura (James Yagi of The Ugly American, The Twillight Zone, The Outer Limits, King Kong vs Godzilla and Walk Don't Run) being Dr. Bragan's assistant tells him maybe his skull crushing headaches will pass if he isn't around so much stress and vacations in Japan. Land of Kaijui, cyborgs, mecha and Kurosawa films. Might work.

Bragan goes on for a 3 minute speech how the War made it impossible for him to visit Japan and his botany major never fulfilled. So how does one go from the study of plants to rockets? Hell if I know. Even with his rambling of the weight of mathematics with the bombs and eventual movement to the Space Race I was still baffled. I am re-titling this the Adventures of Doctor Snooze. If painter Bob Ross and pompous mansplainer John Agar had their genes spliced, this man would be the outcome. 7 minutes in and I want a nap.  Might also be the constant General Hospital soundtrack of ORGAN MUSIC.  More organ music in this flick than Carnival of Souls and that is saying something. Mostly that both films have their highs and lows.   Mostly.

Bragan's swingin' pad comes with a gorgeous assistant Norkio (Atsuko Rome of Akuma no niwa and Venus Flytrap). Too late for me to get this gig?   I can prattle on about rockets and plants too.   Meh. This entire film is shot in Japan and the kooky incidental music for sitcom is played for him running out of gas.   Gas station attendant (Al Ricketts of Akuma no niwa and Venus Flytrap) has taken to snake handling in his off hours. Yup it's that kind of movie where it is padded more than a psych ward.  Who asked for this film and why does it feel like Catholic punishment?   Upside, I can send a copy to Gitmo for interrogation methods.  Gimme what I want or you're watching Venus Flytrap again!   Gas station attendant (no name given in the whole time on screen) is a one man crack-up.  By that, he seems to only make himself laugh. He is also ADR as all his dialogue has clearly been re-added post production. GO TO JAPAN NOW!!!!

Lured by the flora and fauna, Bragan scoops up some of each to take with him to Japan. I'm sure Customs will love that and the guy with the rubber glove will be a firm but gentle lover as well.

Shall we get the goofs out of the way? I heard the howl of a coyote. In Japan. Where they would not be native to. Also customs would not allow live plants, fruits or foreign soil brought into their country by a commercial passenger.

Finally, some eye candy.

Okay got all that snark out of the way.  Let's make a quick note of camera work. Blocking is terrible, focus keeps popping in and out and there really isn't anything creatively done with the camera. No wide angles, roof shots or crane work that might have pepped this film up a bit. Also I am not certain if Ed Wood understood the medical definition of nervous breakdown as the Doctor seems to have them every five minutes. They seem to come on like Cluster migraines or micro seizures. Longed for some Tommy Wiseau reading like: "You're TEARING ME APART, Lisa!!"

Naturally our mad scientist some assistants for his plant endeavors, so alongside Noriko is a dwarf who I don't even have the actor's name or even the character's name. Bravo movie. Seriously, not even the credits had this sad cat's name.

Also I am convinced either God or Mother Nature is trying to kill Bragan as boulders, trees and other such debris kept hurtling its way at him which didn't seem to faze or even bother him. Giant ass rock almost crushes the guy and he shrugs it off like a minor inconvenience. The continuous organ music is Bach's Toccata and Fugue in D Minor.  How did I find out?   I looked it up.  Figured I should see to what classical music was being butchered along with my sanity. The main problem of this film is that it dithers getting to the experiments. When he isn't losing his shit, screaming at Noriko or having yet another sightseeing trip, he might actually get around to doing some science.   Let's us not forget he's staying near AN ACTIVE VOLCANO!!!!  YUP!   Very relaxing this time of year.  So soothing is lava flow in your living room.  WHAT THE HELL??!!!

Cher is prepped to go under the knife just one more time.

SCIENCE WAITS FOR NO MAN!!! Unless you are in this flick. So imagine crossing Frankenstein with a touch of The Day of the Triffids. That sounds a bit exciting, right?

58 minutes! That is how long before we get to the science! Yeah most creature features by this time, the monster has escaped, racked up a double digit body count, the local law enforcement has taken the scientist downtown. Things would be happening! He tampered in God's domain tropes would be flying about. Not this opus. Oh God no. The kooky incidental music is driving me up the wall at this point. Just out of place and I guess decent dissolves and a montage would be too much to ask of this flick.

An hour and 8 minutes in and finally our creature appears. With Venus fly trap hands, an eerie howl and tentacles, I immediately feared for Noriko. It is getting a bit Hentai there.

This hour and 33 minute movie drags on like a snail on a salt bed. I am certain my beard grew, ass fell asleep and brain cells committed suicide. Don't worry fellas, the topless female pearl divers confirm your tiresome question. For those not in on the joke, aye there be titty.

I was informed that Rifftrax made fun of this movie, which would have suited me fine. Riffing by your lonesome gets dull.

Hmm that's a botched nose job.

Return of the Cult Classics: The Lair of the White Worm

And we are back. Well while getting the bathroom remodeled (Not our choice at all) I thought I would get back at the week. Today's film in RETURN OF CULT CLASSICS...we skibble across the pond from director Ken Russell (The Devils, Tommy, Altered States, The Lair of the White Worm, Lady Chatterley, Treasure Island, Tales of Erotica, Dogboys and Trapped Ashes) and brought loosely based on Bram Stoker telling of the English legend of the D'Ampton Worm. Recognizing the cast from several BBC series, ranging from comedies, dramas and science fiction, it does my heart good to have a small sense of culture. Heir to the D' Ampton Estate in County Durham, John D'Ampton was said to have done battle with a giant worm that was terrorizing the local villages. So we are watching that...with boobies. This is The Lair of the White Worm.

Must be warm in her house.  Honest.

A young Scottish archeologist name of Angus Flint (Peter Capaldi of The Secret Agent, Chandler & Co, Neverwhere, Fortysomething, The Best Man, Waking the Dead, Doctor Who, Torchwood and Paddington) is excavating the site of a covenant near at the Derbyshire bed and breakfast (in spite of it feels more like a tavern) which is ran by the Trent Sisters, Mary (Sammi Davis of Mona Lisa, Hope and Glory, Lionheart, Homefront, Four Rooms, Woundings and The Double Born) and Eve (Catherine Oxenberg of Dynasty, The Love Boat, Roman Holiday TV Movie, Acapulco H.E.A.T., Treacherous Beauties, Watch Over Me and Starship Troopers 3: Marauder). An bizarre and large skull is unearthed and holds certain snake like characteristics with the flint and burial mound about it giving it a rough date of at least a thousand years ago, almost giving credit to the legends of the D'Ampton legend of the wyrm.

Dr. Ian Malcolm will have a field day with this!

In a nearby manor, the Temple House, Lady Sylvia Marsh (Amanda Donohoe of Castaway, The RainbowDark Obsession, L.A. Law, A Woman's Guide to Adultery, Liar Liar, One Night Stand, The Calling and Trafficker) returns to the region after a prolonged hiatus. At a gathering, Angus encounters Lord James D' Ampton (Hugh Grant of The Last Place on Earth, The Dawning, The Lady and the Highwayman, Four Weddings and a Funeral, Sense and Sensibility, Extreme Measures, About a Boy, Love Actually, The Rewrite and The Man from U.N.C.L.E.) direct descendant of John D'Ampton who recently inherited the manor and the lands not far from Temple House. The two begin to strike up a friendship as well as their own theories on whether there is truth to the legends. The folk song of the D'Ampton Wyrm was catchy and enjoyable.

Fear the superimposed flames of damnation!!!

Shortly after this, people in the nearby villages are missing. A few at a time, raising all sorts of questions and concerns. The skull has been taken from Angus's room, The Trent sisters have their father's fob watch that was missing for more than a year with their parents discovered at Stonerich Cavern miles from the farmhouse/bed and breakfast and folks are skittish as hell. James and Angus postulate that an ancient cult was formed around the time of that land being Mercia, the Roman creation for England against the Saxons and that they may have been Wyrm Worshippers treating this ancient monster as a god fulfilling it with blood sacrifices. All this ties around the arrival of Lady Syliva...hmm I wonder if there is a connection.

Will the Wyrm turn again? Will the cult revive? Does Angus have a beef with James?

Quick bit of observation was seeing one of London's hardest working character actors, Paul Brooke. Who? Well my first introduction to him was the Rancor Keeper in Return of the Jedi.  A talented chap to be certain but not really wanting to see him without his shirt again. PC Erny (Paul Brooke of Return of the Jedi, Reilly: Ace of Spies, Greystoke: The Legend of Tarzan, Lord of the Apes, The Kit Curran Radio Show, Mystery!: Campion, The Fool, The Young Indiana Jones Chronicles and Agatha Christie's Marple) Well there is a fair degree of nudity so the menfolk should be happy...unless depictions of Romans raping nuns might freak them out.   There's an issue with a stick. I have heard of a devining rod or dowsing rod if you will for finding natural water springs or even oil but um...this one detects virgin women. Yeesh. Aside from that, you do have a suspenseful ghost story/legend, the practical effects are fair minus the giant snake puppet and I felt our antagonist was revealed a touch too early.   Might want the kiddies to skip this one too. 

Blimey, another Four Weddings and a Funeral fan.

 

Linda Blair Week: Grotesque

Greetings readers and welcome back to Day 3 of Linda Blair Week. I cannot get over how many horror flicks Linda Blair has actually done. Looks like actor Joe Tornatore is directing this film time around. A jaunt out to a vacation cabin turns into a bloodbath. This is Grotesque.

We will join your pajama party, one way or the other!

Lisa's (Linda Blair of Savage Streets, Red Heat, Savage Island, Nightforce, Silent Assassins, Witchery, Bad Blood, The Chilling, Zapped Again and Fatal Bond) family is loaded thanks to Dad's occupation being an FX artist, designer and sculpter. Orville Kruger's (Guy Stockwell of Adventures in Paradise, Tobruk, Return to Peyton's Place, It's Alive and Santa Sangre) work is in high demand and word sneaks around the snowy town that there are riches in that house.

Lisa's friend Kathy (Donna Wilkes of Days of Our Lives, Jaws 2, Almost Summer, Fyre, Hard Knocks, Hello, Larry, Blood Song, Angel, My Stepbrother Is A Vampire!?! and 90210 Shark Attack) is joining Lisa for a relaxing time into the woods and get over getting dumped...or so they thought. Now while it was a running gag in 80s to have roving gangs of punks I did start laughing when they appeared in VW vans lead by their gregarious leader Scratch (Brad Wilson of Scorpion, Under the Boardwalk, Angel Fire, Art Deco Detective, Dominion and Theodore Rex) and his giggly, loopy right hand man, Gibbs (Nel Van Patten of Young Warriors, Summer School, Ghost Writer, Face the Edge, Camp Fear, Mirror Images and Live Wire) are convinced mad treasure is in the house. Weird, third Linda Blair flick I am reviewing and another Van Patten arises.

Leatherface's cousin: Pork Scratchings Face.

The gangers start gacking the family and trashing the house in search for the illusive funds, they kick open a door to a hidden room. Aha! The jewels and gold would be anyone's take, right​? The deranged and deformed hunchback Patrick (Bob Apisa of The Last Boy Scout, Nowhere to Run, Marked for Murder, Point of No Return, The Sandlot, Hard Target and The Glimmer Man)leaps out and starts making mincemeat out of them. What the hell is going on in this house!?!

Our punkers are a mixed bag. From the foxy Donna (Sharon Hughes of The Last Horror Film, Chained Heat, The Man Who Loved Women, Hard to Hold, Jackals and Mission: Killfast), the bulging eyed Eric (horror/sci-fi B movie legend, the late Robert Z'Dar of Maniac Cop, Samurai Cop, The Legend of Wolf Mountain, Frogtown II, Soultaker, Silent Fury and Red Line) running for their lives as Patrick bounds after them.   Lisa half frozen outside is found by the authorities.

Will Patrick cease his murderous rage? Can the cops clear up this whole mess?

This film take the typical tropes of the eighties and turns it on its ear. The twists and turns from the traditional demented creature film it bring some fair FX, decent graphic death scenes and an impressive story. I have seen countless remarks, insults and negative reviews without any objectivity on it. This was an impressive cast really just getting their feet wet with Blair leading the film as well as being a producer on the film.  Folks deem this "The worst thing ever filmed," clearly they haven't sat through Jesus Franco's Zombie Lake. Now that's a complete turd waffle.

I wonder what Father Murphy would say.

Exploitation Encore: Razorback

Well this should be different. Hiya guys and gals and welcome back for Day 2 of Exploitation Encore. Now as many of you know, I have sat through some piles of recycled dog farts claiming to be a cinematic release. I have endured the sexploitiation, Women in Prison, Blaxploitation, biker flicks and even the horror genre of exploitation. Hell I have viewed a few of the Naziploitations which...most were less than savory but this is a new notion for me. Ozploitation. Yup today we have a feature centered around Australia and one of its deadly predators but as Arnold says, "If it bleeds, then we can kill it." He may have been referring to the gigantic 7 foot 2 inch and late Kevin Peter Hall of Predator and Harry and the Hendersons but I may be wrong. This is Razorback.

Hakuna Matata!!!

Written by novelist/screenplay writer Peter Brennan (Razorback, Marilyn: The Last Word, Boxing: A Different Look, The Story First: Behind the Unabomber and The MoShow) and screenplay writer Everett De Roche (Patrick, Road Games, Razorback, Something in the Air, Stingers, Cybergirl and Storm Warning) and lastly directed by Russell Mulcahy who brought us Highlander!!! YAY!!!! Of course he also directed Highlander II: The Quickening so yeah there's that, comes a tale from the land down under for a different kind of vengeful animal feature or creature feature if you will. We have seen sharks, grizzlies, intelligent or cursed or even rabid dogs but a boar has to be a bit odd by comparison. There are many a subplot that ties fairly well together so let's get started. Old man Jake Cullen (Bill Kerr of Gallipoli, The Year of Living Dangerously, The Coca-Cola Kid, Sweet Talker, The River Kings, Snowy and Clowing Around 2) has been actively pursuing this killer boar since it snagged his grandson oh so many years ago. One day he'll get that filthy animal... no wait, that was a Bigfoot porn. Yeah I have reviewed a lot of crazy stuff over the years.

Gotta show me bewbs.  Part of the contract.

Aspiring reporter Beth Winters is down in Gamulla shooting a story about a local dog food packing plant on the tip that the meat may be poached kangaroos. She up and disappears sending her husband Carl (Gregory Harrison of Trapper John, M.D., Oceans of Fire, North Shore, Falcon Crest, The Family Man, Body Chemistry II: Voice of a Stranger and A Family Torn Apart) into a blind panic and desperately arrived to town in search of her. Jake thinks the Baker Brothers, known poachers may have a hand in Beth's disappearance and lends a hand to Carl in his time of need. Just so we are clear, the old man is the film's bad ass. Make no mistake about it.

Will the boar be on Jake's wall? Can Carl keep his cool? Do the Baker Boys ever bathe?

Now to warn folks this is no way shape or form politically correct. We have countless stereotypes, the hillbilly Baker Brothers (They're the less fabulous ones), to the anal retentive animal rights activist of which (Spoilers!) gets attacked and eaten by the boar. Oh irony, you are a pleasant and thorough mistress. The action, gore and damage is all practical effects and the animatronic model razorback was costing about $250 grand to build for about 15 minutes overall in the flick. Amusingly enough the very same boar head was stripped down and had fur added to it so it could be used in Howling III: Marsupials. This is Russell Mulcahy's first feature and it is grossly underrated. Given the fair degree of violence, mild nudity and in general horror feel, I'd skip this one for the kids' viewing.

Damn varmits in my pot fields again!

Old School Week: The Killer Shrews

Welcome back kids and on to Day 4 of Old School Week.  I was idly glancing at some the requests I have been reading and I thought I have not reviewed a 1950’s horror film before and heck fire I surely can find one that molds well into that of which I do review.  So get your Dixieland Jazz, stock up on booze and don’t emote much.  This is The Killer Shrews.

The Joan Collins' story!!

Automatic pilot can’t play spoilers like I can.

Special Effects coordinator/director Ray Kellogg (The Giant Gila Monster, My Dog, Buddy, The Monroes and The Green Berets) was better known in the movie industry for doing scale model effects and superimposing camera angles and yet someone got it in their head to give this man a directing gig.   Captain Thorne Sherman (James Best of The Dukes of Hazzard, Hooper, Savages, Gator, Rolling Thunder and The End) make a delivery of supplies to a remote island with a group of genetic researchers when a freak hurricane smacks the region of water.  The captain is leery to try to unload the cargo do to the weather.  He and his first mate Griswold (Judge Henry Dupree of The Killer Shrews and My Dog, Buddy) shove off (YOU SHOVE OFF!!!) to land to inform the residents of the delay.  They notice a really large fence about 9 feet high.  I know you are all thinking they are filming porn and you are dead wrong.  I double checked just for you.  

Yeah you hiked up your trousers good!

Dr. Craigis (Baruch Lumet of One Third of a Nation, Alfred Hitchcock Presents, The Interns, The Group and The Wild Party) his daughter Ann (Ingrid Goude of The Tattered Dress, The Big Beat, The Bob Cummings Show, Wild Heritage, Never Steal Anything Small and Holiday for Lovers) and her fiancée Jerry Farrell (Ken Curtis of The Alamo, Have Gun-Will Travel, How the West Was Won, Ripcord, Gunsmoke and Robin Hood) decide to end world hunger by trying to shrink the human metabolism by trying this experimental formula on shrews for a comparison to humanity’s appetite but it had a total reversal and the shrews started getting larger and larger.
 

Lassie??!!! What did you do to Timmy??!!!

The creatures escape and proceed to wreak merry merry havoc on the island as the scientists and crewmen are terrified by said creature.  From the monsters able to burrow through the walls and strike without warning; our intrepid party decide to make a break for the boat and risk the hurricane versus the mutations running rampant.

I have a few quick notes on this.  First off what in God’s green earth was Ken Curtis doing on this flick?  Well it was his hold over flick before Gunsmoke fame and he also produced this movie.   For shame Festus!!!    Writer Jay Simms (The Giant Gila Monster, Law of the Plainsman, Panic in Year Zero!, The Rifleman, Have Gun-Will Travel, The Big Valley and The Courtship of Eddie’s Father) had a successful career writing Western TV after two creature feature screenplays.   This is truly a stinker from start to finish but it is still quite amusing to view.

Another high ball, Captain?

Charlton Heston Week: Planet of the Apes

Well I have hinted and eluded to the film for the last two days so you knew it was inevitable.  The 1967 sci-fi classic depiction of Pierre Boulle’s Monkey Planet with a substantial cast, brilliant cinematography, a wonderful soundtrack and the dawning era of prosthetic FX make-up for the 20^th century.   So stock up on bananas, grab the lore keeper’s copy of the sacred scrolls and don’t forget to wash your throwing hand.   This is Planet of the Apes.

 

Time for your tick bath, Bright Eyes.

You know the saying, Spoilers see, Spoilers do.

From the creative treatment of Michael Wilson (A Place in the Sun, 5 Fingers, Lawrence of Arabia and The Sandpiper) and Rod Serling (Playhouse 90, Armchair Theatre, Twilight Zone, The Loner, The Man and Rod Serling’s Night Gallery) and director Franklin J. Schaffner (The Defenders, The Stripper, The DuPont Show of the Week, Patton, Papillon and The Boys from Brazil) sought out to create a standing of this civilization compromised of apes.

You will feel confident with your new hair.

Commander George Taylor (Charlton Heston of Will Penny, The Hawaiians, Skyjacked, The Call of the Wild, The Three Musketeers, The Four Musketeers, Earthquake, Midway and The Awaking) a cynical poet and astronaut is pondering the imponderables of the nature of the universe and the absurdity of the cosmos while making his final journal entry as he is scheduled to a deep cryogenic slumber as his space journey comes to an end.   His vessel crash lands on re-entry as his crew members Landon (Robert Gunner of Frontier Circus, Our Man Flint, The Green Hornet, Caprice and The Jackals) and Dodge (Jeff Burton of Rod Serling’s Night Gallery, The Manhunter, The Mad Bomber, Coffy and Street Sisters) as they explore this wasteland of a planet being more than 2000 years into their future.  This will be where they must stay until they can call for help.

   

After exploring for 3 days they encounter a lush cornfield full of primitive humans who panic and flee from apes on horseback?   A planet of buffalo bills with fur??   Our astronauts flee for their lives and get separated during this insane dash through the fields and Taylor is shot and wounded.  He awakes in a camp with other humans but they display less intelligence or thinking process beyond instinctual.  You can manage debates were a bit difficult but not impossible.  The city, society, religion and economics are constructed solely by apes which makes you wonder if they have it right after all.

 

Think I have some rabbit in my teeth. Check for me?

And now, I would like to make a few comments and facts about the movie if you don’t mind.  Edward G Robinson (The Last Gangster, Confession of a Nazi Spy, Double Indemnity, Key Largo, The Stranger, The Ten Commandments and Soylent Green) was intended to play Dr. Zaius instead of Maurice Evans but the prosthetics made Robinson claustrophobic and disturbed his heart so he had to bow out of the project.  The primary locations for said movie were Malibu Creek State Park in Calabasas California with Vasquez Rock as well as Glen Canyon in Utah.    This film was shot entirely in Panavision via helicopter aerial shots, tight zooms, dolly and hand held.  It is dark, brilliant and offers some amusing concepts as well as a different view of humanity as a whole.

Ridley Scott Week: Alien

Hey all, finishing up Ridley Scott week with the 1979 sci-fi/horror classic.  How about some horror with your science fiction or terror with your terrain?  So grab your motion tracker, prime your flamethrower and make peace with your deity.   This is Alien.

Spoilers are all around us man!!

From the writings from Dan O’Bannon (Dark Star, Heavy Metal, The Return of the Living Dead, Lifeforce and Total Recall) and brought to life with director Ridley Scott (Blade Runner, Legend, Black Rain, Thelma & Louise, 1492: Conquest of Paradise and White Squall) brings us a story of deep core space towing vessel being sent a distress signal to a foreign planet.  The ship Nostromo carrying no less 25 million tons of ore is contacted by the very company that contracted insisting that the crew set down on planet designated LB-240 for reasons unknown.   The crew is left in a cryo-stasis chamber so their bodies would not atrophy or deteriorate from extended space travel.  Captain Dallas (Tom Skerritt of War Hunt, Combat!, MASH, Wild Rovers, Fuzz, Thieves Like Us, The Dead Zone and Top Gun) and Lieutenant Ripley (Sigourney Weaver of Madman, Eyewitness, The Year of Living Dangerously, Ghostbusters, Aliens and Gorillas in the Mist) argue with each other on the necessity of this unscheduled stop versus the unknown circumstances that it may cause.  Reluctantly the crew makes their way to the planet to find a ship somewhere to the length of 6 miles long and more advanced than anything humankind had ever made.  

The crew investigates a long dead pilot, possibly for decades surrounded by a field of eggs.   Crewman Kane (John Hurt of The Jim Henson Hour, Crime and Punishment, Monolith, Dogville, Hellboy, V for Vendetta and Hellboy 2: The Golden Army)inspects these eggs only to have one hatch and attach itself through his helmet on his face.  The crew desperately tries to remove it and the creature threatened to strangle Kane so they let it be.  Hours later the creature rolled off his face and Kane seemed fine but all too sudden at dinner he started to convulse and expanding through his rib cage an organism that looks fairly phallic bursts through his chest and skitters away.  As the crew assembles and grabs means to destroy the little blighter, one crewman finds out the hard way that little blighter grew to the size over two meters tall.  Seven foot for us Yankees.

A quick couple of facts and observations on this film will be stated now.   The creature in question was designed, sculpted and created by H. R. Giger.  A painter that always created a image of organisms and machinery into a hybrid nightmarish creature.  The actor in said rubber suit Bolaji Badejo stood as high as 7 foot and 2 inches high coated in petroleum jelly and a couple other lubricants to create slime and drool.  The ship was parts of old battleships, scale models with blue screen based backdrops to present a haunted house in space.   This massive ship is nothing more than too many hiding places for the creature to take its time methodically removing the cast.  Who would be next?  This film’s drawn out silence allows for tension, conflict and paranoia to set in.  Post production did a wonderful job making this film as dark and menacing as it is.  Yes I would highly recommend this one for a good scare.

Werewolf Week: Werewolf Woman

Howdy folks!  You know me in that I have seen some WIP (Women in Prison) films, some unfortunate rape revenge movies and heck even more than a few werewolf films.   Never did I think I should encounter a rape revenge werewolf movie but Rino Di Silvestro came to my aid and just in time!   So grab your Red Hots and soda.  Do not be afraid…to stick Twizzlers in your ears to block the dubbed dialogue.  This is La lupa mannara a.k.a. Werewolf Woman

Spoilers is idjits!!!

If you are like myself you find certain supernatural creatures fascinating and love some good old cheesy Hammer film on vampires or werewolves and so a friend (who will remain nameless at this time) presented me this film and said I would get a kick out of it.   I have a kick for him as well.  Groin kick mostly and it will hurt a lot.

We open our movie with a completely nude woman running around a large bonfire herself as she shifts, thrusts on the ground and ungulates her pelvic region to the sky or gods and the miracle of 1970’s editing she shifts into a werewolf or possibly she is a relative of Lon Chaney and just didn’t care for clothes.  Fortunately for us the makeup designer has her completely starkers with fur.  You know, in case you ever wondered what a nude female werewolf looked like.  No sooner is she prowling about in the woods a group of angry pilgrims with pitchforks and torches, set out to find the monster that has been mauling and mounting across the land.  Our noble villagers capture the werewolf and cleanse her spirit and soul…with fire.  Yeah the mob rules indeed.  

All of the sudden we awake with our heroine Daniela Neseri (Annik Borel of Blood Orgy of the She-Devils, Prison Girls, Truck Turn and Black Aphroditie) who was savaged, raped and her fiancée murdered by a group of thugs.   Yeah that’s a good start, movie.  If I had you a safety pin, would you stick it in my eye too?   Her father drags her off to Professor Exposition and through dream analysis and hypnotherapy we discover Daniela had an ancestor that was burned at the stake for being what the locals feared as a werewolf woman.  Ahh such irrational creatures is man. She spends most of her time naked er um on the path of her ancestor as a hero’s journey of discovery.

Okay folks I am going to level with you.  This is nothing but soft core porn and it fills the better portion of the film.   Proof that pain can be domestic as well as foreign; Exploitation director Rino Di Sivestro (Women in Cell Block 7, Love Angels, Deported Women of the SS and Baby Love) brings us this scintillating story of flashbacks, shared life experiences and more nudity next to an adult feature.

Three fourths of this movie is Daniela seducing men, morphing into the werewolf woman and ripping their throats out.  I think there was the potential message of feminine empowerment and rising up against the abusive tendencies of men and standing as your own without the need for aid but still allowing your heart to feel love and understanding.  And what could be more empowering than humping and maiming men??   This is also some narrative that will drive you completely crackers but hell you had to be a bit screwy to watch this turkey in the first place.   If you see this abomination in the dollar bin at Best Buy or Walmart just walk away.   No good will come of this.   Pun intended.

Werewolf Week: Never Cry Werewolf

Evening boys and girls!!  Say what could I possibly been watching tonight that would scar the psyche of the average movie viewer?  I give you a few hints:  It feels almost shot for shot the original Fright Night, has animatronics and prosthetic effects less believable than Harry and the Hendersons and just might being something Kevin Sorbo wants to scrub off his IMDB listings??   Well gather up nice and snug, maybe have a flashlight and a forbidden lore book.  This is Never Cry Werewolf.

Spoilers may come with extra cheese toppings!!!

Cinematographer/ TV series director Brenton Spencer (21 Jump Street, Street Justice, Blown Away, First Wave, Dead Man’s Gun, Night Man and Stargate: Atlantis) combines his powers with writer John Sheppard (Armour of God, Mark of Cain, Higher Education, MacGyver, MacGyver: Lost Treasure of Atlantis and Robocop TV Series)and form Captaaaaaain PLANETTTTT!!!!  Well actually they create this slightly abysmal TV Movie for the SyFy Channel.   Brought to you from the terrifying burbs of Ontario Canada, comes a story of a new neighbor, inexplicable fog and dogs barking to the level that Johnny will go get his gun if they do not hush.  Kyle (Spencer Van Wyck of Knights of the South Bronx, Victor, The Lesser Blessed and Degrassi: The Next Generation) and big sister Loren (Nina Dobrev of Repo! The Genetic Opera, How She Move, Fugitive Pieces, The American Mall and The Vampire Diaries) notice an eerie fog blanketing the street.  Not so much the neighborhood with at least 5 or 6 fog bank machines but probably a portable back pack job.  Sorry broke the 4^th wall there.  The neighborhood dogs including the family pet are alert and scared.  What could ever be coming to town?  Oh also on this block apparently is a registered sex offender.  Boy doesn’t that sound like the area to raise your kids?  Alright perhaps abysmal is a bit harsh.  Less than satisfying TV movie but about what you would expect from the likes of SyFy.  

New to the area Jared (Peter Stebbings of K-19: The Widowmaker, Stargate SG-1, Jeremiah, Rabbit Fall, Cra$h & Burn and Murdoch Mysteries) is keeping to himself attempting to repair and rebuild his new home.  Everyone on the block as well as the town seems enamored by Jared except Loren who now spies on him.  Her gut instinct says something is off and witnesses Jared shape shift and murder a random girl in his home.  Or did she? 

With her Charlie Brewster senses tingling Loren asks her buddy Steve (Sean O’Neil of Common Ground, Prom Queen: The Marc Hall Story, Queer as Folk and Baby Blues) who is offbeat, bizarre and in no way, shape or form Evil Ed archetype for advice on dealing with Jared.   Enter Redd Tucker (Kevin Sorbo of Hercules: The Legendary Journeys, Kull the Conqueror, Andromeda, The O.C. and Avenging Angel)  a washed-up, has been TV hunting show host who of course is actually just a paltry actor at best attempting to salvage his career so yes he does get the Peter Vincent feel.  After Jared’s German Sheppard/Hellhound morphs and goes bat shit in the local hunting store, Loren drops this sick pup and he dissolves when nailed with silver.  

  Jared becomes obsessed with Loren and Loren begs and pleads for Redd’s assistance in killing Jared.   Redd comes clean on being just an actor and less manly than Marlin Perkins.   So the showdown commences as Loren rousts the silverware for arrowheads and makes her way to the lair of the beast.    Boy that explanation made this sound fairly good didn’t it.   Lot of handheld, some dolly and clearly the upper staircase shots someone had a death grip on the cameraman.  Granted we are free of most CGI minus bad temped pooch.  Old school rubber furry suit and animatronic head.  Certainly not the worst thing Sorbo has done and frankly he looked like he was enjoying the sheer silliness of it.   Hardcore werewolf fans may want to skip away from this title.