Seven Deaths in the Cat's Eyes

Okay Rotten Readers, Readers of the Rotten.  After the copious amount of Indie, A list and B-grade films, I decided I need a change. Yeah this week I am just diving into Italian movies, ranging from Giallo to action films.  An Italian Infusion if you will. With that in mind I am checking out a Giallo directed by Antonio Margheriti (Hercules, Prisoner of Evil, Giants of Rome, Dynamite Joe, The Unnaturals, Death Rage Yor, Hunter of the Future and Jungle Raiders) this is Seven Deaths in the Cat's Eye a.k.a. Cat's Murdering Eye a.k.a. Seven Dead in the Cat's Eye.

Dinner party of the Damned!!!

Yeah you have to take in account for foreign distribution and redistribution happening over the years. And re-redistribution for DVD and Blu-Ray naturally. Um anyone else feel the title might be a giant spoiler? Well at any rate, we are moving on.

In a remote Scottish village (because of course it happens in an isolated little town!) a serious brutal murder of a man happening in...well it either dungeon of torment or possibly old timey BDSM. The safety word is pumpkin. Our man of the moment is being worked over with a straight razor while a pudgy and irritable yellow tabby looks on. Maybe this murder is for Fluffy's amusement or the rats to dine on him. The rats that make squeaky toy noises. I normally use a stuffed toy mouse on a string or laser pointer. I guess my cat is less demanding.

A carriage makes its way to Dragonstone Castle, deep in the highlands of Scotland where the Scottish sound nothing like Christopher Lambert or Adrian Paul. A young schoolgirl Corringa (Jane Birkin of Blow-Up, Death on the Nile, Evil Under the Sun, La pirate, Dust, The Woman in My Life, This Is My Body and A Hell of a Day) is visiting her mother, Lady Alicia (Dana Ghia of Burn!, The Bloodstained Butterfly, My Dear Killer, Peccati di gioventu, Together Forever and California) as she has many summers at this very castle.

Thankfully she driven up by the sweaty creeper Angus (Luciano Pigozzi of The Devil's Man, King of Africa, Hatchet for the Honeymoon, The Case of the Bloody Iris, Escape from Hell, The Last Hunter and Yor, the Hunter from the Future) from Werewolf in a Girl's Dormitory. A guy so ennerving around young women if he was an action figure he would come with a hypodermic needle or a bottle of ether and wet rag.

Starve your rats at least two days of optimum flesh devouring.

As they make their way through the courtyard, we get a piano chord of ominous dread and see what looks to be a gorilla peering though a window. The significance? Yeah no idea. Damn dirty ape! Given its numerous rooms, the castle seems to be turned into a boarding house or just jam packed with guests of the area. Mouseketeers! Sign off!

Father Robertson (Venantino Venantini of Warriors of the Wasteland, The Exterminators of the Year 3000, The Adventures of Hercules, Final Justice, The Erotic Dreams of Cleopatra, The Flying Devils, Ocean, The King's Whore and Tango Bar), Corringa's aunt, Lady Mary MacGrieff (Francoise Christophe of The Three Musketeers, Vengeance of the Three Musketeers, Les Thibault, L'affaire Saint-Romans, Marie Love, The Free Frenchman and Fiesta), Dr. Franz (Anton Diffring of The Man Who Could Cheat Death, Where Eagles Dare, The Blue Max and Victory), French teacher Suzanne (Doris Kunstmann of And Jimmy Went to the Rainbow Foot, Hitler: The Last Ten Days, Vienna Crime Squad, The Peppercorns and For Heaven's Sake) and her cousin and heir to the MacGrieff title, Lord James MacGrieff (Hiram Keller of Fellini Satyricon, Orestes, Strogoff, Noa Noa, Rome Wants Another Caesar and Lifespan).

Alicia and Mary are in deep conversation about the cost of the castle and Alicia simply cannot use the inheritance from her late husband other than for Coringa's scholastic and well being. Methinks hubby really didn't love Alicia much but that's just one reviewer's theory.

With the dinner party in full swing, seems an apt time to discuss family legends and curses, right?

Bit awkward to work into small talk. "So I understand when a cat walks over a casket, the deceased can end up being a vampire and plague the living members. Pass the potatoes please."

Mother, your roots are showing.

After the less than successful dinner party, Lady Alicia retires for the night...dun dun dun!!! in that she is suffocated by a pillow via a gloved hand as that creepy orange tabby watches on. Perhaps the cat controls the murderer. Slay more of the HOOMANS and then clean up my poops! Obey! OBEY!

FYI, the local law enforcement as are useful as any of the state troopers during a Friday the 13^th flick. I was surprised they were given firearms and live ammo. I wouldn't trust these collective heads of knuckle to open a can of beans that was previously opened.

With a death toll slowly building up, one is left to wonder who is the killer, why these deaths are happening and who is next?

The Techniscope is giving a great pan around, some solid zooms and really give depth into what is being filmed. Lot of hand held work, 45 degree slant shots and the editing giving the daylight shots an eerie vibe is impressive.

The castle itself is amazing but clearly not Scottish architecture as we are in Italy at Castello Massimo where all $600 sunglasses are made. See what I did there?

The musical score is excellent for setting the tone and you almost get a vibe of Agatha Christie's Ten Little Indians as a underlined theme. Jane Birkin was quite good in it and well let's face it, lovely may not cover her well enough. It was creepy, good set pace and I enjoyed it.

James' smoking hot French teacher.

Linda Blair Week: Witchery

Welcome back for Day 4 of Linda Blair Week. Y'know, I had my heart set on reviewing Chained Heat but good taste did prevail as I was informed of today's film which I only knew by its alternative title. Many moons ago, when the Earth was young and yuppies, cocaine and health nuts were abundant, there came a film like no other. A film that would dare to NOT star a Van Patten but indeed they would bring to the big screen, Michael "David Hasselhoff" Knight, Linda Blair and Grandma Ruth of Basket Case 2 and 3. Such was not dare dreamed of. This is Witchery a.k.a. Ghosthouse 2 a.k.a. Evil Encounters a.k.a. The Haunted House a.k.a. Witchcraft: Return of the Exorcist a.k.a. Hexenbrut.

Blair beside herself.  Mirroring emotions.  Okay, I'll stop.

Boy, it has been a while (cue Aaron Lewis Staind tune!) since we have had a multiple alternative title movie. I knew this film under Ghosthouse 2 wondering why this was nothing like Umberto Lenzi's creeper film at all. It didn't even feel like a continuation. Now I know and knowing is half the battle. BLARF! Ahem, moving on... our feature film of the day has a wayward group of folks trapped on a Massachusetts island due to a massive storm front and their only recourse is to make their way into the abandoned haunted hotel for shelter. Folks, it's called a lean to. Google it then build it. You'll thank me.

The movie opens with an angry mob of five pig farmers brandishing a few pitchforks yet no torches as they chase a terrified pregnant woman across the moors. As the mob continues the hunt for said pregnant lady, she is pursued by disgruntled village people( Yyyyy...MCA!! ) she making her way to the hotel, seeing no escape she hurls herself out a window as was clearly her only option.

As if some prophetic dream, Jane (Linda Blair of Bad Blood, The Chilling, Dead Sleep, Zapped Again!, Calender Girl, Cop Kill? The Bambi Bembenek Story, Double Blast and Skins) wakes in a cold sweat as she is pregnant, creeped out and in general not having a good night. Without any further explaination, we cut to Leslie (Leslie Cumming of Zombie 5: Killing Birds and Witchery) and her boyfriend Gary (David Hasselhoff of Semi-Tough, Terror at London Bridge, Knight Rider, Baywatch, Avalanche, Nick Fury: Agent of Shield and Anaconda: The Offspring) are staying at the abandoned hotel so Leslie can write a book about witchcraft, the Hoff is taking snapshots of the house, the island and a bizarre light that happens at particular times of the day that looks suspiciously like a lens flare but I'm not passing judgement. A plot point clearly needed is Leslie is a virgin. We know this because Gary likes haphazardly dropping it into conversation and sounds disgruntled for not getting laid. For shame Hoff, for shame.

Tellin' ya, Baywatch Nights is easy money.

The fisherman that brought Jane, brother Tommy and her parents looking to buy the hotel of darkness appears to have disappeared via lens flare into a cheap prism pendant. Though our lady in black played by Hildegard Knef (The Murderers Are Among Us, The Snows of Kilmanjaro, Decision Before Dawn and Fedora) is genuinely creepy giving you the John Carradine creeper stare. The pace is a tad slow, our gore scenes are fairly creepy and over all the exposition does give the back story.

People are tossed into another dimension kind of like Silent Hill only it looks like a blood caked Doctor Who time tunnel. Day for night shots, back lit actors and lots of masonry shots are confusing as hell. Three doors to Hell seem to be found randomly in rooms and to be honest, you would think one door would be enough. There seems to be a black mass/witchcraft theme going and Leslie mumbles her dissertation but also not really explained so I am confused.

Starring Tom Baker...

Realtor boy and Architect girl or Tony(Frank Cammarata of Witchery) and Linda (Catherine Hickland of Loving, Ghost Town, Witchery, Taxi Killer, One Life to Live andThe City), if you prefer comes off as bland people crafted solely for being gacked but that's not their fault as they were poorly conceived.

Will they ever escape the island??? Will creeper Lady in Black do them all in???

The music score sounded familiar and turns out composer Carlo Maria Cordio (Pieces, Cave Dwellers, Endgame- Bronx lotta finale, Hell Behind the Bars, Iron Warrior, Zombie 5: Killing Birds, Touch of Death and Witchery) covering us with his guitar and synthesizer goodness.   Hmm that may have sounded a tad pornographic.

Our director also brought audiences the unfortunate and unofficial sequel to the Troll movies called Crawlers, which not unlike Troll 2 has nothing to do with Trolls. Confused, choppy editing and more gore than story, Linda does her level best to make this a watchable film.  Stay for the gore and get a story. Not bad but could use a bit more polish.

Santa?  SANTA!!??!!

Dismember December: Christmas Evil

Welcome back carolers for Day 4 of Dismember December and as luck would have it we have us an also known as title. Precursor to Silent Night, Deadly Night our original title is You Better Watch Out, a lesser known flick compared to the upheaval that was Silent Night, Deadly Night. Oddly enough a lunatic goes on a rampage of murder and mayhem while dressed as Santa. This is Christmas Evil a.k.a. Terror in Toyland a.k.a. You Better Watch Out.

Look kids!  Santa's naughty now!

Directed by Lewis Jackson (The Deviates, The Transformation: A Sandwich of Nightmares, Christmas Evil), a fan favorite of the infamous John Waters (Pink Flamingos, Female Trouble, Desperate Living, Hairspray, Cry-Baby, Serial Mom, Pecker and A Dirty Shame) our film opens with a lovely trip to suburbia (shudder) during the year 1947 as young Harry sees his mother being felt up by Santa a.k.a. His dad in a suit and with that the lad is heartbroken. 33 years later, Harry (Brandon Maggart of Purlie, The World According to Garp, Jennifer Slept Here, Chicken Soup, Dream Date and The Adventures of Brisco County Jr.) is working a assembly position at the Jolly Dreams toy factory but at home...well Harry sees himself as the next tride and true Santa (THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!), with his apartment decked out in lights, ornaments and various toys, "Santa" watches on the neighborhood children from the roof of his building...with binoculars...like a creeper and even keeps a journal of naughty and nice kids.

Another eye gouge?? Must be Fulchi's fault.

Harry realizes that several of the assembly workers have been treating him like some dumb schmuck and taking advantage of him for ages. Seeing his co-worker Frank (Joe Jamrog of Christmas Evil, Blue Steel, The Fisher King and United 93) in a bar when he was supposedly sick making Harry fill-in for him teeters him from the realms of safe and sane. To make matters worse, Harry's own brother Phil (Jeffery DeMunn of The X-Files, The Shawshank Redemption, The Green Mile, The Mist, The Walking Dead and Mob City) cancels Thanksgiving dinner on him at the last minute. Harry has left this grounded world and is convinced he is Santa and proceeds to dish out...Christmas justice??!!! A few rounds of breaking and entering, he smashes his nephews' toys and replaces them with handmade ones.

Harry takes out three preppies with an axe and... I am not certain if I should feel bad or imagine them as hipsters being vanquished instead. Really hate hipsters. Frank and his buddy George witness the murders as the Santa flees. Tension rises at Phil's household in which he is concerned about Harry and wondering if he is doing alright.

Will Harry carve out a new Christmas tradition? Will there be anyone left alive in Jersey? Will anyone notice Jersey devoid of people?

A few points I would like to make now. The cinematography of this low budget slasher is AWESOME! Shot with Panaflex in 35mm spherical it really gives it a good vibe in spite of being in mono via sound. Falling under Britian's Video Nasty Ban list, our movie an hour and 40 minutes but was deemed too gory to be edited down to 95 mines instead. I saw the hour and 40 so I guess some nudity and a couple of close-up zoom hatchet scenes were yanked.

I am perplexed by what I saw. On one hand, Santa is murdering a fair amount of people, but he delivered toys to kids in the hospital. This whole film seems to document a life that was scarred at an early age and attempted to muddle through it as best as possible. Attention slasher fans, the body count and death scenes are not over the top and not a large amount of them. What this film depicts is about a man's mental and emotional mindset ebbing away and no one seems to care.

I loved the police line up of Santas and the fact I recognized character actor Jeffrey DeMunn or Dale from Walking Dead and a very young Patrica Richardson (Jill from Home Improvement and Sheila Brooks from The West Wing). Not so much a psychological thriller but it was quirky, odd and kind of fun.

Holiday shopping can be murder,right?

Eurozombie Week: Oasis of the Zombies

Welcome back campers to another heaping pile of Eurozombie Week and boy this one might be an actual improvement over Zombie Lake.  That being said watching paint dry and observing how many dead bugs end up on your window sill could also be definitely more entertaining than Zombie Lake.  Our current feature also gives prominence to shambling legions of the former living Third Reich.  Apparently Eurohorror loved their Nazi zombies cause they are the only creatures you feel good twice blowing away.  So grab your hiking gear, get a guide that speaks the language and yours and head off to adventure.  This is Oasis of the Zombies.

Hmm zombies devouring or humans rutting?

Nazi zombies are de craziest spoilers!!!

Our incoherent story telling starts off in the trusty hands of Jesus Franco (AGAIN???!!!) which opens towards the end of World War II in the African desert as a battalion worth of men are hauling gold bullion across the outstretched desert for safe keeping I guess, when they are ambushed by Allied soldiers.  Riddled with bullets and left in the sands to rot, only one surviving member of that Allied snipe hunt is still alive.  50 years later Robert Blabert (Manuel Gelin of One Deadly Summer, Joy, Venus and Formula I) who blaberts to a former SS Colonel turned treasure hunter about the gold.   Colonel Meitzell (Eduardo Fajardo of Tizoc, Django, The Four Musketeers: Milady’s Revenge and The Brother from Space) rewards Blabert by having him killed and proceeds to map out the location where the treasure is hidden.  Yeah the colonel is that cold, folks it is staggering how he can tell whether he has sent a man to his death or ordered to have his shirts laundered.  

Ahh!! I twisted my ankle, fell in a prairie dog hole and fulfilled a stereotype women hate!!!

Robert’s son Captain Blabert (Javier Maiza of I Do Not Forgive…I Kill!, White Comanche,  and Diamonds of Kilimandjaro) hears word that his father had died under mysterious circumstances, realizes it must be the treasure his father spoke often of and sets out to find it himself.  For some inane reason this gathering of studying college of archeologists and their professor also know of the treasure and proceed out after it as well.  Enter our jiggly girls to the fray.  Yes ladies I know it is a less than flattering title I have given this particular archetype of female portrayal but you will find it apt.   For instance; rather than keeping quiet and skulking away from the danger, they choose to shrill at the top of their lungs and run rampantly in the wrong direction under the cover of day for night shots. 

A few critiques on the film as it was shot on 35mm Spherical via Eastmancolor and sadly the day for night shots were so bad you had a hard time making out actors, who the hell is being dubbed and what was zombie and what was human.  I found this to be lengthy, choppy, poorly executed from the writing to the miniscule budget it was given, this had no real redeeming value other than it was NOT Zombie Lake. 

Guys, I don't see the Field of Dreams anywhere.

Alternative Title Week: The Amazing Adventure

Hold on to your hats kiddies because we end Alternative Week this Friday on a Cary Grant flick? Gasp!  I know right?  To comment and critique about a film of class and elegance on my blog?  Poppycock you may say, but I say sit on your blood pressure and keep it down, ya hear me?  So dash out to the lobby, and get yerselves a drink and popcorn.  This is The Amazing Adventure a.k.a. The Amazing Quest of Ernest Bliss, The Amazing Quest, Riches and Romance and Romance and Riches.

Heavens, man. Is that your mustache or a small ferret nesting?

Ernest Bliss: Here’s to spoilers!

A fancy dan, a shiftless lay about millionaire of the name of Ernest Bliss (Cary Grant of His Girl Friday, My Favorite Wife, Notorious, Monkey Business, To Catch a Thief, North by Northwest and That Touch of Mink) is a rich, young man with too little to do and too much money to do it with; he suffers from "ennui." Not realizing the depression he's in is due to boredom, Ernest consults a doctor. Sir James Aldroyd (Peter Gawthorne of Good Morning Boys, Ask a Policeman, Much Too Shy and Soho Conspiracy) disgusted that a healthy young man is ill simply because of laziness and an indulgent lifestyle, gives Ernest a prescription he doesn't think Ernest can fill: Ernest must earn his own living for one year using none of his current wealth. Ernest bets him 50,000 English pounds that he can. 

I dare say I fancy more than a cup of tea.

Settling on a struggle oven company name of Alpha, Bliss reports directly to Frances Clayton (Mary Brian of The Front Page, Charlie Chan in Paris, Three Married Men, Killer at Large, Navy Blues and Affairs of Cappy Ricks) for his duty roster.  Sadly Bliss learns soon that he may not have the knack for salesmanship.  His boss Mr. Masters (John Turnbull of the Scarlet Pimpernel, Murder at the Baskervilles and The Hangman Waits) fears he will have to close up shop soon if supply and demand does not start to pick up.  With Clayton being sweet to him as a person he soon comes up with a publicity stunt to make up for their lack of sales brochures and details.   With a little ingenuity, Bliss helps the company and decides he has done all he can here and has several more months to go so back on the old work horse he heads.

Flailing in the rivers of hard work without a paddle; Ernest learns the true value of effort through working; the value of humankind, both good and bad, through living amongst the masses, the love of a good woman not dependent upon his monetary value and the blessing and responsibility of possessing money.

Darling, these dancers are a bit distracting.

And now I have just a few observational notes about this film.   This is director Alfred Zeisler’s fourth American major motion picture.  The film was shot on 35mm Spherical of which modern films could take a cue from.  It gives a wide range scope on your story and characters involved without snubbing the film quality and I have to hand it to the actor dealing with only a boom mic with a windsock for scenes.  Also the boom operators must have had the beefiest arms or the editor spotted every shadow.   It is simply flawless sound for it being shot in mono. 

Being clever, diverting and plenty of Grant snappy patter you will find this film moving, entertaining and just might make you smile. I dare say this film truly put Grant in the eyes of many and really pushed his career.   

Alternative Title Week: Ator the Invincible

Welcome to the tales of long ago.  In these realms lurks yet another alternative title for the week.  Now let us speak of days of high adventure!  Sorry it is really hard to break out of that speech pattern.  Ahem, grab your furry moon boots, sharpen your blade and mind. This is Ator, the Invincible a.k.a. Ator, the Fighting Eagle, Ator: The Fighting Eagle, Ator I’invincibile and Ator the Mighty.

 

Call dibs on the gold and jewel encrusted nut cup!

The Spoiler of Torren will bring about the dawning of a new age!

Director producer Joe D’Amato (Papaya: Love Goddess of the Cannibals, Anthropophagus, Erotic Delights and The Blade Master) is known for the following concepts: Over the top sci-fi fantasy with zero budget, Women In Prison Films and hard core pornography as I just found out the last.   Yes so you can already see the slippery slope that awaits us all.  The story of Ator unfolds with enough exposition that would have flabbergasted Tolkien.    Seriously that was incredibly long winded to the point of being worthy of a narration via Uwe Boll movie.  Only it was not continuous.  Our young lad Ator (Miles O’ Keefe of Tarzan, the Ape Man, The Legend of Sir Gawain and the Green Knight, Sins of the Night, Shoot, Marked Man and Silent Hunter) has grown into a family that is not of his own.  He has feelings for his adopted sister Sunya (Ritza Brown of Beyond Good and Evil, From Hell to Victory, Monsignor and Tuareg: The Desert Warrior) and asks his foster father for her hand in marriage.

Ye olde Keg Partay!!!

 Yay! Almost incest for the start of our heroic tale all of 5 minutes in and boy who wouldn’t want that.  Father comes clean about Ator’s heritage and is overjoyed at the weird impending nuptials.   Father then speaks of a man name of Griba (Edmund Purdom of Sword of Freedom, Herod the Great, Anthropophagus, and Zombies 5: Killing Birds) that is destined to be his teacher in combat and the ways of the warrior so he may one day fulfill his prophecy of defeating the ancient spider god and his cult, laying claim to his birthright and allowing peace throughout the land.  

Thank God it wasn’t a tall order for him right?  Note that quests are never something as easy as fetch hither yon goat milk for my breakfast cereal my son. For the morning meal truly is the most important of the day!!!

 No sooner is Ator and Sunya married that Dakkar (Dakar of Zombie, Zombie Holocaust, Pierino Strikes Again and Ator, The Fighting Eagle), priest of the spider god’s men ransack the village and slay just about everyone in the area, slap Ator silly and scoop up his sister/bride.   Yea I am still skived on that.  Sorry.    

AHH!!!! BLIND DEAD FLASHBACKS!!!!

Ahem, Ator trains with Griba to better his might and mind when he encounters a young amazon warrior Roon (Sabrina Siani of Blue Island, Daughter of the Jungle, Gunan, King of the Barbarians and Palla al centro) who had to be saved by a man.  Snort, snort!!   The two form an alliance to fight the dark knights of Dakkar, fend off the legions of the undead and do battle with the spider god (Squiggly)! 

No wait, that's poison oak.  Ah crap!

Um it is long winded, confusing plot, the story drags in places.  The swordfights are not badly choreographed and some of the effects are decent enough but all in all this film is cheesy and ain’t no Gouda.  This is a fair enough adventure but you will find yourself snickering quite a bit.  A great attempt with not nearly enough funds behind it or proper time to edit; I am giving this a C minus overall.

Alternative Title Week: Space Mutiny

How do all and welcome back to Alternative Title Week and I realize I have tormented you all with this POS Italian Action/Adventure/Sci-fi tragedies so we will steer away from that horrendous standings and give you a really really bad sci-fi instead. You may have thought Silent Running was long and dull but that is peanuts compared to the festering turd that awaits you.  So grab a silver velour suit, try to not dies and be brought back due to lack of continuity.  This is Space Mutiny a.k.a. Mutiny in Space, Espacio exterior and Bunt w kosmosie.

Computer targeting system OF THE FUTURE!!!

Kalgan: I am being undermined by my own spoilers!

This piece of sputum hails from 1988 that is so low budgeted, it is using stock footage of Battlestar Galactica viper and Cylon raider attacks.   Our wayward travelers aboard the starship Southern Sun are divided into two groups. Those that are bound in their duties and believe in their commander to deliver them to  a proper world they can call home and those that cannot wait to take over the ship and find a planet to enjoy to their hearts content.   As a star vessel carrying Professor Spooner attempts to land with the ship’s landing bay when space pirates attack the viper squad and cause a serious of overacting on behalf of our hero David Ryder (Reb Brown of Captain America, Captain America II: Death Too Soon, Howling II: Your Sister Is a Werewolf, Uncommon Valor, Yor, the Hunter from the Future and Night Claws) and would be love interest Doctor Lea Jansen (Cisse Cameron of Billy Jack, The Prize Fighter, Porky’s II: The Next Day and The Deli)to blow the walls of believability. 

  

In no way is this footage of the original Battlestar Galactica.

The fore mentioned Spooner is trapped in his craft as our noble hero emergency teleports out of his vehicle and…well screams at the top of his lungs how the ship is going to blow up.   Leading the faction of dissentients, Kalgan (Death Rides a Horse, Danger: Diabolik, Barbarella, Skidoo, Doctor Justice and The Devil’s Bed) whips some of the security and engineering to overthrow the ship and land it on an inhabitable planet.

 

There is some strange subplot of these space floozies known as the Belerofons …that served no purpose other than to point out spandex on the right women looks hot.  Seriously they have no standing at all other than to tempt the male members of the ship.

Rhombas Deathmatch 3000!!!!

Now to bash this film with a primitive piece of flint as it richly deserves.  Most of the computers OF THE FUTURE are Tandy equipment including the 3.5 floppy drives, continuity is so bad that a member shot in the stomach and left to die and 2 minutes later she is back on the bridge at her post as though her death never happened.  The exciting chase scene with the modified floor polishers’ attempt a Ben Hur chariot race but they are going up to speeds of at least 5 to 8 mph.    The ships’ lower engine rooms are clearly beer vats and the piping residing around it.  Furthermore the grounds around these vats are incredibly explosive as people get fired on and get blasted over the railings.  

Sir, my batch is killing me in these silver pants.

The only way to view this turkey is to enjoy Season 8 Episode 20 of Mystery Science Theater 3000 as they bash it profusely.  Avoid this film as though it were a baby diaper filled to the brim with poopies.

Alternative Title Week: Escape from the Bronx

Welcome back to another heaping helping of Alternative Title Week.  Since starting this concept with the Bronx Warriors, I thought it only proper to subject you all to its sequel. HEY!  Stop running away.  You didn’t have to watch it.   Okay then… Director Enzo G. Castellari (Cold Eyes of Fear, Keoma, The Inglorious Bastards, The Last Shark, The Bronx Warriors and Warriors of the Wasteland) felt his anti-hero Trash needed a bit more hype and love so came the sequel of his opus The Bronx Warriors.  So stock up on some ammo, avoid going out in the daylight and beware of Italians claiming to be Americans.  This is Escape from the Bronx a.k.a. The Bronx Warriors 2, Escape 2000, Escape from the Bronx- 1990: The Bronx Warriors II and Son Adam: Escape from the Bronx.

 

Chou stay out of ma beans!!!

Floyd Wrangler: No spoiler you idiot! How many times do I have to tell you, no spoiler! It makes me CRAZY!!

When we last left our greasy anti-hero Trash, (Mark Gregory of Rainbow, 1990: The Bronx Warriors, Adam and Eve, Thunder and Thunder II) he was the lone survivor of the Riders (the “toughest gang” of the Bronx).  Now he does runs for the remaining gangs in search of ammunition and sidearms for a profit.  While avoiding pot shots fired from the General Construction Corporation’s band of bully boys, Trash finds remaining the Bronx to be a bleak concept but has nowhere else to call home.  He tries to convince the leader of the combined gangs Tolberone (Antonio Sabato of Grand Prix, Hate for Hate, Barbarella, They Were Called Graveyard, Lovemaker and Beyond the Law) to start another uprising against GCC but to no avail.

Relax, they are just cutting down on the weeds.

The corporation promises those that leave the Bronx on their own accord will be sent to New Mexico with the promise of an affordable house and better living.  Yes take note nothing about setting them up in Manhattan or Brooklyn.   Meanwhile beyond their veiled promise is silver suit clad men armed with submachine guns and FLAMETHROWERS!!! They are doing building to building searches and smoking anything that shows an ounce of resistance to the forceful move.

Aren't you hot in that outfit?

The merciless corporate President Clark(Ennio Girolami of The Last Shark, 1990: The Bronx Warriors, Tuareg: The Desert Warrior, Operation Name and Sinbad of the Seven Seas) plays off the rumors that his conglomerate is using fascist tactics to move the people from the slums of the Bronx, however a reporter name of Moon Grey (Valeria D’Obici of Passione d’amore, Sweet Pea, Midnight Killer and The Best Man) claims that the GCC President is full of what makes the grass grow green and is exterminating people with extreme prejudice.  Oh those zany reporters.  

Clark’s main man, Floyd Wrangler (Henry de Silva of The Manchurian Candidate, Day of the Assassin, Sharky’s Machine, Chained Heat,  Above the Law and Cannonball Run II) assures Clark that he will meet the deadline and take care of the reporter as well. 

Moon Grey hooks up with Trash and a resistance fighter from Nam named Strike and his demolitionist 8 year old son to kidnap the President and hold him hostage until his goon squads pull out of the Bronx.

 

Die in the name of Charlton Heston!!!

As previously with the first movie the gunfights have that nice slow motion effect to let you clearly see they have been gunned down.  The fore mentioned boy rigs the stairwells and walkways with explosive charges to the likes you don’t see from a veteran Navy SEAL or Army Ranger.  This boy is terrifying in my opinion.  He can skip every bath he wants.  I don’t need him rigging my electric razor or toilet to explode. 

Typical 80’s action flick with a lot of gunfire, some fist fights and not a whole lot of plot in site but it was kind of fun to watch.

Alternative Title Week: The Bronx Warriors

Hiyas kids and welcome to Alternative Title Week.  Boy have I been scraping the bottom of the barrel for these cinematic wonders.  It would appear commonly in the latter 80’s that post-apocalyptic films are where the money is at.  With the success of John Carpenter’s Escape from New York and George Miller’s Mad Max that Italy was not far behind with its conglomerate of rip offs at the ready.  Prepare to be underwhelmed and less than flabbergast.  This is 1990: The Bronx Warriors a.k.a. The Bronx Warriors, Bronx Warriors, The Riffs and Warriors of the Bronx.

ICE CREAM MAN!!!!!!

Trash: You bastard! You work for the Spoiler Corporation!

Hmm, cannot help but feel like that spoiler was aimed at me.  Oh well.   Our esteemed director Enzo G. Castellari (Drango: A Bullet for You, The Inglorious Bastards, Warriors of the Wasteland and Escape from the Bronx) brings us a schlock half baked and poorly paced story arc of a trilogy.  The concept is the world has taken a turn for the worst after a massive crime wave due to illegal drugs…and yet somehow all of the buildings are intact, we still have a police force, there are major TV networks and people are still going to work.. Ahem but other than that clearly the world has taken a turn for the worst.  We see a young girl run across the bridge as we see Manhattan is completely untouched by this all consuming wave of crime.  The very crime wave that made New York vacate the Bronx to the gang element and let them have at it.  Street justice should clear these knuckleheads out in about a year is my thinking.

One!...singular sensation!!

  

  A former policeman name of Hammer (Vic Morrow of Combat!, The Evictors, The Last Shark,  Humanoids from The Deep and B.A.D. Cats) infiltrates one of the gangs in order to find sad lost girl Ann (Stefania Girolami Goodwin of The Heroin Busters, The Last Shark, Warriors of the Wasteland and Sinbad of the Seven Seas) desperate to escape her father’s company the Manhattan Corporation from its luxury bought from the expense of others.  Strive sweetie!

Trash: Anti-hero or soft headed goober?

 Let us not forgot the vicious gangs like the Zombies?  A gaggle of inline roller skaters with modified hockey sticks, pads and repainted Nazi helmets; these boys are as threatening as an ingrown toenail yet the Riders (because they have motorcycles) vow to take them on at every turn.  Led by their charismatic leader of few words Trash (Marc Gregory of Rainbow, Escape from the Bronx, Thunder and Thunder II) the only thing I have noticed what this kid has going for him is pants so tight you can make out his religion and he is a slab of beef Reb Brown style.

But low and behold the Riders take a meeting with a rival group with the sweetest collection of hot rods known as the Tigers and led by B-movie and exploitation legend himself, Fred Williamson (MASH, Hammer, Black Caesar, Crazy Joe, Black Eyes, Deadly Impact, From Dusk Till Dawn and Vegas Vampires).  Word on the street is Trash has a cop in his midst and needs to check that.  So say the Ogre(Williamson)…and then they causally and carefully pull out from the scene leaving the bikers to crane their necks to follow them out.   HUH???!!!

Deaf International Film SrL. brought us this little gem courtesy of its director and the heavy metal movement was very popular so yes that is the better portion of your soundtrack.  All these gorgeous hard tail bikes got these cheesy plastic skulls that light up attached to their hogs.  WHY??!!!  It looks absurd but hey I am not the props master here.   The duel switchblades mounted on the bikes was a neat enough effect to make up for the skulls though.

Boy, I can pick up the dumb ones.

 This action/adventure/science fiction Italian hybrid clearly tried to capture the vibe and feel of The Warriors and Escape from New York and thus not create either.   Castellari is also fond of slow motion gun play of bodies dropping or explosions directly under their feet and to be fair, cinematically it looks amazing.  We chucked physics right out the door but again a great shot should not be sneered at.