Robot Ninja

Greetings readers. It is the day before Halloween and seeing costumes will be cropping up shortly, imagine it is time for a superhero flick! Not just any flick either, no. It combines 80s love of ninjas and robots and...well doesn't really deliver on either, left me a little sad, bitter and a tad crazy. So clearly I need to subject you all to it as well.

From the pages of J.R. Bookwalter (The Dead Next Door, Zombie Cop, Kingdom of the Vampire, Horrorvision, Witchhouse 3: Demon Fire and Mega Scorpions) comes the tale of a meek and mild comic book artist turned vigilante. This is Robot Ninja.

Winter Mullet...

Yup if that title wasn't as goofy as Robovampire, I think you all have a greater threshold than I.

Now having sat through The Dead Next Door I can almost sense there will be characters, lesser soldiers named after other famous directors, Well we got cops this time so we have a Cameron so that is either for Aliens, The Terminator James Cameron or Bookwalter is a huge Kirk Cameron fan after he saved Christmas from the heathens.   There's a DePalma after Scarface's Brian DePalma, a O' Bannon after Return of the Living Dead Dan O' Bannon or he just feels the Irish can only be cops, crooks and firefighters. Let these people be, Hollywood! A Spinell after Maniac writer/actor Joe Spinell, a Hickox after Waxwork and Sundown: The Vampire in Retreat Anthony Hickox and hell we have scream queen Linnea Quigley, writer/director Scott Speigel and writer/director David DeCoteau starring in this.

Alright now to the nuts and bolts of it.   HAHA! Robot! Things! Stuff!   Moving right along, the aforementioned comic book artist Leonard Miller (Michael Todd of The Dead Next Door, Puppet Master II, Puppet Master III: Toulon's Revenge, and Lurking Fear) is afraid of losing his Robot Ninja creation, the single greatest superhero since Batman...yup. Uh-huh. One night he witnesses a rape and double homicide when he's had enough of crime in his town. Naturally delivers his eyewitness account to the cops but feels they have too many rules. So it's time to give back to the community and whip some ass...this guy with bad hair, not really that well built and has never attempted martial arts in his life.

Hockey hair, protect me!

To give him an edge he goes to his buddy, Dr. Goodknight (Bogdan Pecic of The Dead Next Door, Zombie Cop, Maximum Impact and Chickboxer), probably related to Dr. Goodhead of Moonraker as Leonard makes demands of a super suit, one that would enhance him and make him as mighty as his very comic book creation. Goodknight points out it would be very costly and well as they say, Money is no issue. Um his suit is spandex giving him tank like armor durability. Cripes at least Prey of the Jaguar made an effort to armor up Maxwell Caulfield not to mention gave him a military and special forces background. This dude draws and inks.

By the by, readers this isn't Intergang or the Hand. It is petty criminals. Send in Frank Castle chop chop.

So Spandex Boy is on the case, tootling around the town in full costume and his late 80s battered Camaro with YES his license plates on it. Maybe some mud or duct tape or hey here's a nutty idea, a car that isn't yours personally!!!

The gang kinda is alot for him to handle as there is...five of them. Again elaborate fancy pants, it's called a shotgun. Relatively inexpensive and tend to make heads pop off rather nicely.

I will give credit where credit is due. The gore effects are fair, camera work isn't bad and for untrained stunts they are decent enough. Loads of Sci-Fi, comic book and horror movie references. Hell at one point I swear I saw The Monster Squad movie poster on a wall. Looks like they raided every video store they could for these.    Oh sorry Millennials, see before the convenience of Red Box, we had primitive stores allowing customers to select titles of films that may not even be current! Gasp! There was customer service, snacks and even a random film suggested by a real live human being.

Yeah, miss video stores. So yes if you need this...film for your entertaining pleasure, good luck. I was fortunate enough to find it on streaming. Apparently executive producer on this was a Puppet Master and 1313 master himself, David DeCoteau. Well he did diversify his money that year.

Fruit Gusher Gangbanger.

Random Titles: Nightmare Sisters

Welcome back readers of mine for Day 2 of Random Titles. I have recently been looking into the works of director David DeCoteau and was unaware I have in fact already seen several of his movies. Understand this, for some movies I want to blot them out of my head instantly and that can be due to acting, cheesy sets and even cheesier practical effects. So I am not always armed with an obscure film in the sense that not EVERYONE has heard of it. That being said, I now realize I have seen every Puppet Master David has directed along with Creepozoids and Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama so...what the hell. Knowing the tone, let's give another flick of his a whirl. This is Nightmare Sisters a.k.a. Sorority Sisters a.k.a. Sorority Succubus Sisters.

80s Horror flick or Charlie Sheen's bedroom?? Only you can decide.

Three geeky girls Melody (Linnea Quigley of Robot Ninja, Guyver, Blood Church, Vampire Hunter, Burial of the Rats and Hollywood Cops), Marci (Scream Queen Brinke Stevens of Private School, Sole Survivor, Fatal Games, Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama, Cheerleader Massacre) and Mickey (Michelle Bauer of Nightdreams, Cavegirl, Reform School Girls, Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers, Demonwarp, Warlords, Puppet Master III: Toulon's Revenge, Evil Toons, Dinosaur Island and Witch Academy) aren't the popular sort and and it's no wonder with Melody's buck teeth, singing off-key, Mickey devouring snacks like they are going out of style and Marci's nasal voice that sounds like what if Alan Parsons Project and Yoko Ono did a an existentialist prog rock duet album.

We now return to 3 Geeky Girls.

Bored out of their skulls they invite 3 geeky guys...which sounds like a NBC Tuesday night show at about 8 o' clock. Coming this Fall on NBC!   Moving along, the fellas Kevin (Richard Gabai of Assault of the Party Nerds, Blood Nasty, Ghost Writer, Virgin High, Dinosaur Island and Inner Sanctum II), Duane (William Dristas of Nightmare Sisters) and Freddy (Marcus Vaughn of The Visitants, Sorority House Massacre, Nightmare Sisters, The Girl I Want and Vice Academy Part 2) are all on board convinced tonight is the night they get laid. Seriously, they will not stop giggling about that.  I wanted to leave a D20 at the scenes of all their murders I had laid out for them.

The party starts flagging and the girls break out a crystal ball performing a seance.. I thought pot would have done the trick but nope, let's tamper with forces we don't understand instead. Unbeknownst to the girls, the crystal ball is cursed and each girl becomes possessed by a succubus transforming them into the extremely hot and yummy scream queens we all know and love.  Melody gets a bit more rocker chick, Mickey gets a bit cavegirl and Mickey has a dominatrix attitude to go with her good girl appearance.

Hmm, phallus anyone?

The boys must fight out the temptation that's shaking its tail feathers at them and find a way to help the girls ASAP...so they don't go and seduce every guy within a forty block radius. Clearly they need a young priest and an old priest. Probably doesn't help that their jocko one dimensional frat bros show up to get some tail. Eh, more wood for the fire I suppose.

Floaty Head of DOoOoOooOoooM!!!!

With the script banged out at 7 days and the film shot in 4, it surprisingly looks done well. A bit more blocking for screen would have been nice but I am watching Nightmare Sisters not Citizen Kane. 

Brinke Stevens uncomfortable with being all nude, DeCoteau swapped it out to just topless and I guess that was easier to do. On the boys' dorm wall is a poster of Creepozoids which made me laugh. Recorded on 35mm Arriflex this was oddly enough shot in mono for I am guessing because it was cheaper to do such.  So if you are into silly antics, topless young women and a bit of horror then come on by and enjoy the flick.

Hmm this looks a bit kinky for an exorcism.

Linnea Quigley Week: Night of the Demons

Welcome to Day 5 of Linnea Quigley Week and I thought we would end of a schlocky horror film that was the staple of the 80's as it is all because of those pesky teenagers yet again. Yes, according to horror, teenagers open portals to Hell, raise the dead and invoke the wrath of serial slashers and today's film is no exception. Imagine a plucky bunch of youngsters wanting to party, get wasted and laid. But where to go? Why the abandoned mortuary of course. Guess cemeteries and lakes by the cabins of a camp of ill repute were too far away for these kids. This is Night of the Demons.

Possession or huffed paint fumes?

Director Kevin Tenney (Witchboard, Witchtrap, Peacemaker, Witchboard 2 and Tick Tock) teams up with the literary prose of Joe Augustyn (Night of the Demons, Night Angel, Night of the Demons 2 and Exit) to concoct... okay I am sorry but I cannot blow sunshine up about this movie because my brain is still reeling from the absurdity I just saw.

Our band of teens feel it is clearly time to partay and what better setting than a house rumored to be cursed? This was their thinking. Sound of mind clearly. Stooge (Hal Havins of Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama, Night of the Demons, Welcome Home, Roxy Carmichael and Life), Helen (Allison Barron of Gidget's Summer Reunion, A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge, Patriot Games and The Other Woman) and Rodger (Alvin Alexis of The Wiz, The Brother from Another Planet, Sweet Liberty and Mixing Nia) all are invited to our seemingly poor lit house of damnation for a party thrown by social train wreck Angela (Amelia Kinkade of Misfits of Science, My Best Friend Is a Vampire, Road House, Night of the Demons 2 and Night of the Demons III) and her bestie Suzanne (Linnea Quigley of Robot Ninja, Guyver, Blood Church, Vampire Hunter, Burial of the Rats and Hollywood Cops) for Halloween so yes expect many cliches.

No, I do not want to play doctor, perv.

No sooner is the beer flowing and the brain cells evaporating do the kids get the brilliant idea of hosting a seance in their party. Judy (Cathy Podewell of Dallas, Night of the Demons, Earth Angel and Unmatched) her boyfriend Jay (Lance Fenton of Highway to Heaven, The Fulfillment of Mary Gray, Heathers and Night of the Demons) buddy Max (Voice over actor Philip Tanzini of Command & Conquer: Red Alert 2, Emeperor: Battle for Dune, Invader ZIM, Static Shock and Dead Rising) and Frannie (Jill Terashita of The Big Bet, Dirty Laundry, Night of the Demons, Terminal Entry and Sleepaway Camp III: Teenage Wasteland) are not overly keen on this idea but reluctantly give into peer pressure. MISTAKEEEEEEE!!! No sooner has the game began, Helen sees a wicked and vile presence in the mirror before it shatters unleashing a demon trapped in this very cremetorium and attaches itself to Suzanne, who passes it on to Angela. Besties!! After the disturbing content of the game, several of the party goers try to leave the house but to no avail as doors seem sealed, windows disappear and all Hell seems to be breaking about.

Will our younglings be able to escape? Must they do battle with the demon and her minions?

Okay a few quick tidbits on the film now.

Our brilliant tagline for this film was: Angela is having a party, Jason and Freddy are too scared to come. But You'll have a hell of a time. Implying that Vorhees and Kruger were milksops and terrified at Angela's awestruck powers that became vague and lacking full explanation. Linnea Quigley had to come in to set prior her co-stars and practice... wait for it... eye-gouging. Yeah I know not one you expect but there it is. Produced for a modest 1.2 million it managed to clear and earn 3.1 million in return due to the limited screen release. With the standards of horror films, I think it would have cleared at least 13 if not 15 million on a national release but that is because of all the elements attached to our picture. A fair amount of realistic gore and gasp, nudity in it as well? Don't they know to give it a PG-13 and then an Unrated release? This took about four weeks and to be fair the goofs in continuity are not as bad as most reviewers would like you to believe.

Frannie and Max made their way into a coffin quite nude but at the end of the flick they were clothed and it didn't make sense for them to suddenly think, "Yeah better put clothes on." One camera pan past a pane glass window did reveal the crew for a few seconds but again over all well lit for the creep factor and this is not a blood caked on the walls horror film but it is unintentionally goofy.   

Goth Girl Gone Crackers!

Linnea Quigley Week: Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers

Welcome back for Day 4 of Linnea Quigley Week and apparently I have angered the cinema deities be not talking up Michael Caine's Alfie since I have be lumped with YET ANOTHER Fred Olen Ray movie. Worry not for me fair readers, I shall wage through the quagmire of tripe and hold my head high. Well we have a cankerous sore of a B-movie dark comedy horror awaiting us so we can't put it off any longer. Linnea Quigley given second billing in our wondrous film feature.

This is Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers.

Sorority initiations are rough!

Our scintillating tale begins around a tawdry bar infested with some sort of prostitution racket. With a narrative of our L.A. private investigator Jack Chandler (Jay Richardson of Terror Night, Out of Time, Brothers in Arms, L.A. Heat, Terminal Force and Witchcraft II: The Temptress) a seedy detective minutes away from being evicted from his office, apartment and life when he is hired to find a runaway Samantha (Linnea Quigley of The Return of the Living Dead, Night of the Demons, Hollywood Cops, Boogie Boy, Death Mask, The Killer Eye and Animals) who may have gotten mixed up in more than shenanigans (hi-jinks not the restaurant franchise) and is hot on the case... and by that I mean slobs around and looks for clues and harasses people with his whiskey laden breath.

Yeah, I'm drunk. So what?

After a bit of haggling, pounding the pavement and actually using his eyes he secludes to a dive of a bar that seems to have abducted Penthouse Pets for their "entertainment". Seriously, the bar does not get much clientele that seems interested in bar snacks, booze or chicken wings. Rumors on the street is that a gang of prostitutes may be in league with a satanic cult that sacrifices the johns and keeps the loot, cars and other possessions. The leader of this nefarious death cult is simply known as the Stranger (Gunnar Hansen of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Demon Lover, Hellblock 13, Rachel's Attic, Witchhunter and The Deepening) who insists dismembering the hookers' clients is far more profitable than having repeating customers. Can Jack get Samantha out of this bloody bordello of baddies or end up the next one on the chopping block?

As you may have guessed it this is YET ANOTHER blatant excuse for full front nudity, girls contorting and writhing about and copious amounts of gore. Only highlight was the chainsaw dance because they were actual saws going with Quigley dancing about.

A few comments about our "movie" now.

Our movie was shot in about five and a half days. It took over seven hours to paint Linnea Quigley's body for her Virgin Dance of the Double Chainsaws number. The original UK video release was not allowed to have the word chainsaw in the title, so the video cover has the words Hollywood Hookers with a large silhouette of a chainsaw in between. Baffling ain't it?

Grownup enough for ya, mister?

Linnea Quigley Week: The Return of the Living Dead

Good day and welcome to Day 3 of Linnea Quigley Week and yes you have all been waiting for this particular movie. I have managed to avoid it rather well in spite of all the zombie genre I have been subjected to in the last 4 years but... I knew this day would come. With it being Linnea Quigley's breakout role into the realms of Horror and Sci-fi, it had to happen. What say we sit through a black comedy/horror thanks to writer John Russo (Night of the Living Dead, The Booby Hatch, Midnight and Voodoo Dawn) and director Dan O' Bannon (Blood Bath, The Return of the Living Dead and Shatterbrain) bringing us a pop culture cliche of the sentence, "BRAAAAAINS!" This is The Return of the Living Dead.

Youth splayed!

Zombie: SPOILEEEERS!

Our story opens in Louisville Kentucky via medical supplies depot with our lead foreman Frank (James Karen of All My Children, Wall Street, Mulholland Drive and The Pursuit of Happyness) is breaking in his new employee Freddy (Thom Mathews of Jason Lives: Friday the 13^th Part VI, Return of the Living Dead II, Bloodmatch, Mean Guns and Sorcerers) as Freddy accidently breaks up a pressured cannister chamber with a dead man and unknown substance from a barrel reanimates the corpse. Luring it into the meat locker they try to get ahold of the boss Burt (Clu Gulager of The Tall Man, The Virginian, A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge, Teen Vamp and Killing Device) and the three of them get the idea to kill the brain. You know, like that zombie movie Night of the Living Dead... wink.

Grr... Moving right along let's get down with the street gang that knows Freddy. This highly believable collection of punks are threatening food courts galore but need a place to hang and party. Naturally the abandoned cemetery is an excellent start. Our punks Trash (Linnea Quigley of Creepozoids, Night of the Demons, Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers, Pumpkinhead II: Blood Wings, Hollywood Cops and Death Mask), Spider (Miguel A Nunez Jr of Friday the 13^th Part IV: A New Chapter, Street Fighter, Carnosaur 2, The Faculty and A Thin Line Between Love and Hate) Scuz (Brian Peck of Like Father Like Son, Return of the Living Dead II, Growing Pains, Angel 4: Undercover and Children of the Corn III: Urban Harvest) Chuck (John Philbin of Children of the Corn, The Return of the Living Dead, Point Break and Tombstone) and Casey (Jewel Shepard of The Return of the Living Dead, Hollywood Hot Tubs 2: Educating Crystal and Caged Heat II: Stripped of Freedom) are all gallivanting it up in the cemetery and night did not simply fall as it crashed.

MAMIE!!!

Our three collective heads of knuckle get the bright idea to burn the chemically saturated body at the crematorium which releases the toxic gas into the air causing an acid rain right next to the cemetery. Betcha you can't guess what side effects it has???

Our punks get coated in the acid rain and attacked by zombies in search of... yup brains. Trash is snared in the mud by several zombies as they start to munch on her shapely body. Gosh, minutes ago she was stating the worst way to die was being feasted upon by really old guys. Hmm, coincidence? Our punks team up with Burt's crew as the night of horrors swings into high gear. Police responding to calls in the neighborhood get overthrown by the zombies and added to the collective. Can anything be done? Will the military intercede? What is the secret of the Yeti??

A few comments about the flick now.

To avoid the X-rating of Quigley buck bare in the cemetery, O'Bannon adamant about how that will not go over well with a TV version they sent her to be shaved bare. Deemed even worse the costume department gave her a g-string with almost bozo colored fur. Yes genitals was the issue apparently. No naughty bits!!

With the satirical take on Romero's Dead movies and a budget of 4 million, our film managed to gross $14,237,000 dollars. A ten million dollar profit on a schlock horror film is not unheard of.

Some of the zombie extras were paid more for to eat real calf brains. O' Bannon didn't want the actors to do anything his wasn't prepared to do and ate some raw calf brains in front of them. Dedicated or disgusting, the guy sticks to his guns.

Okay so which one of us will be bait... Guys???

Linnea Quigley Week: Silent Night, Deadly Night

Hello all and greetings to Day 2 Linnea Quigley Week and this one is more of a holly jolly film but still apt in the horror genre. This film is the first of a loosely convoluted franchise. Its original intent was probably not to creating a series of sequels. With seasonal themed motif horror movies on the rise since John Carpenter's Halloween, a trend throughout the 80's that builds up throughout the years and this is no exception.

Deemed by Siskel & Ebert as a travesty of modern film made a protest to convince viewers to avoid this movie read the writer (Paul Caimi of Silent Night, Deadly Night and Silent Night Deadly Night Part 2) the director (Charles E. Sellier Jr. Of Silent Night, Deadly Night, Snowballing and The Annihilators) and the producer (Ira Barmak of Rosenthal and Jones, The Other Side of Victory, Mason, Silent Night, Deadly Night and Hotel Colonial) trying to shame the lot of them and only intriguing the horror crowd. This is Silent Night, Deadly Night.

Stop fidgeting, you are on Santa's... sack.

With taglines like: If "A Nightmare on Elm Street" gave you sleepless nights, or if "Halloween made you jump in every shadow or if every "Friday the 13^th" was more frightening that the others... THEN BEWARE! Yeah methinks a bit big for the britches but what the heck maybe we will see something out of this.

So a young boy travels with his mother, father and baby brother to see their grandfather (Will Hare of The Autobiography of Miss Jane Pittman, The Electric Horseman, The Rose, Back to the Future and Mob Queen) in a psychiatric ward/full-care hospital. Father, mother and baby head with Grandpa's doctor when Grandpa tells 5 year old Billy (Johnathan Best of Silent Night, Deadly Night, The Legend of Wolf Mountain, Daniel, The Story of Ruth, Solomon and Jesus, the Song of God) that Santa will punish those he deems naughty so for God's sake be good... then he shuts right back up after delivering that bit of exposition. The ride back home leads our family on the road to a Santa on the side of the road only to be killed with Billy running away to hide.

Get outta here, hippy!

3 years later both Billy and his brother Ricky are made to live in an Catholic orphanage keeping quiet to himself his Mother Superior (Lilyan Chauvin of Falcon Crest, Listen to Me, Death Doll, Predator 2 and Universal Soldier) who is relentless in that Billy give up this ridiculous loathing of Santa... a mythic character that has NO relation to Catholicism whatsoever but I digress. There until the age of 18, Billy (Robert Brian Wilson of Santa Barbara, Dynasty, Perfect Strangers, Generations and Gunsmoke: The Last Apache) is placed in a job at a toy store but the nagging holiday is on the rise, no one at the orphanage bothers to tell the shop owner of Billy's troubled youth and thrusts him into a Santa suit. Billy struggles with this as he doesn't want to disappoint his boss but the inner demons are on the rise.

Only after a co-worker attempts a rape on another he snaps and kills him. The girl screams, calls him a psycho (after she was saved) and Billy dispatches her next leading to a killing spree as he treks through Los Angeles back to the orphanage to no doubt gack Mother Superior. Being Christmas Eve, the police force is spread all over town on the search for Billy. Well, that is all fine and good Jake but where in the nine hells is Linnea Quigley??!!! Okay, hold your horses already!

Diddling each other on a pool table at a nearby house is flimsy pretty boy Tommy (Leo Geter of No Way Out, Near Dark, Eisenhower & Lutz, FM, The President's Child and Slaughter of the Innocents) and bubbly Denise (Linnea Quigley of Vice Academy, Witchtrap, Sexbomb, Virgin High, Guyver and Beach Babes from Beyond) was down to her panties when all of the sudden... there rose such a clatter. Quigley sprang up to see what was the matter. Still topless reeking of smut, she almost took an ax right in the gut. Darting away from the loon, she got lifted up like a cartoon. Skewered on a pair of horns, her fella was chucked through a window out of scorn.

Will Billy continue his rampage of blood? Will the cops catch him in time? Could he be reasoned with?

Now, just a bit of trivia of the movie at this time. Thanks to the brilliant distributors, our horror film was showing ads for the film in the afternoon apparently terrifying kids galore and caused an uproar with angry parents picketing local theaters left and right and raising a fairly big stink about ads of Santa Claus carrying a ax with murder on his mind. Parents protesting depictions of ax murder Santa caused distributors to yank the film from theaters after pocketing a nice profit from a limited release.

The ax that gets driven in the wall Linnea Quigley was leaning against was real and barely missed her. With a degree of nudity, sexual situations, a light amount of gore similar to the early Friday the 13^th sequels provides a decent set of scares, violence and not too shabby story. With the creepy song on every other radio, "Santa's Watching" leaves the hairs on the neck up and proper bothered.

So Sister, have you been naughty?

Linnea Quigley Week: Don't Go Near the Park

Howdy doodly doo to Day 1 of Linnea Quigley Week. As she has had 35 years of the B movie racket it is only fair we start her off with a feature she just got a quick cast into the role. Today's movie has dark content, an actual clever story, some gore and even a dash of human emotion, yet still regarded as a B-movie but also a cult classic. How could it both you ask? Seriously you are asking me that? This.. this kind of thing happens quite frequently.

Due to its graphic (though hardly realistic) violence depicted it hails from Great Britian's Video Nasty ban list. This is Don't Go Near the Park a.k.a. Curse of the Living Dead, Nightstalker, Sanctuary of Evil and Don't Go in the Woods... Alone!

Seizure cam!!

Our film opens with terrifying xylophone soundtrack and a handwritten text crawl informing us that many millennia ago, people found the secret to eternal youth by combining a mixture of herbs and plants, a ritual and then devouring human flesh would allow the cannibals to rejuvenate their own bodies by siphoning the youth of their victims. Mary Kay wish they had this formula and packaged in a disturbing pink organs box set.

The plot seems a bit jumbled but as your faithful researcher and writer I shall do my level best to make all become clear. Two cannibals Gar (Crackers Phinn a.k.a. Robert Cribbin of S.W.A.T. , Hitch Hike to Hell, Teen Lust and Dallas) and Tra (Barbara Monker a.k.a. Barbara Bain of Richard Diamond, Private Detective, Mission:Impossible, Savage, Space:1999, Alien Attack and Forget Me Not) from a tribe of cannibals have angered a witch who cursed them with eternal life. However, when hitting at the 12,000 year mark they must find a virgin descended from the tribe and sacrifice her to lift the curse. Their mom is a bit cranky. So to retain their youth throughout the centuries they must consume human organs to replenish the spent years and in the long term they are solving overpopulation and just saying no to botox.

Man, the Mormons are getting pushy.

Finding a suitable mate for such takes time, careful study or just a random bump into the first blonde you see. Enter Linnea Quigley (Summer Camp, Graduation Day, Silent Night, Deadly Night, Return of the Living Dead, Creepozoids, Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers and Witchtrap) billed as Bondi's Mother. Third billing in a movie neither Barbara Bain or Robert Cribbin wanted to admit they were in. Using his dark Sith mind powers he just impregnates Bondi's Mother against her will and re-writes her memories as it was her idea and a great one at that. Shotgun wedding and labor just flies by to the birth and moving on to the great ritual. Is Bondi's Mother even needed any more? What of the child? Why was Barbara Bain in this stink nugget?

Just a few comments on our celluloid of crap.

Filming at location of Griffith Park in the Bronson Caves (AGAIN!!!) our huge stretch of land is spliced with a few rural areas to give the cannibals cover for all their dastardly deeds of damnation. The FX on a shoe string budget provided white flesh foam rubber painted but not molded with a heat gun that apparently these cannibals have the strength of 10 men as they tear open flesh with their bare fingers and the organs are clearly animal. My guess would be pig or lamb for the size basis.

Anyone that disagrees or confronts them may succumb to their Cannibal Optic Blast!!! Yeah I am not even making that up. Primate Cyclops offensive skills. X-Cro-magnons unite!! Little protruding fore-headed guy in a stone and stick wheelchair leading them about on adventures through time and space. Can't wait to see primate Wolverine and Nightcrawler next. Well folks, if you haven't gathered it by now I needed my Czech Republic gas mask to finish this turkey.

Likes my steaks really rare.

Linnea Quigley Week

Welcome and hello to the week. I would like to apologize for George A. Romero Week cut short by two movies. I had some sort of flu bug and well it was difficult to stay at the computer due to it and we shall leave it at that. This week I am cooking with gas and all is well so I do not anticipate any hiccups on the horizon.

Ow, you are on my toe.

This week is devoted to horror films of various degree and grade. Yes, we could have some foul odor that may never go away and perhaps some forgotten gems of the genre. Anything is possible in this write-up. I could be accosted by naked clowns wielding crossbows in the next couple of minutes, for example but again highly unlikely. This week focuses on an unusual career path that stuck within the Horror and Sci-fi dopples of film and never moved on.

Our subject has been called the Mama of the Macbre, the Harlot of the Horror Cons and America's Scream Queen. Interviewed for the book "Invasion of the B-Girls" by Jewel Shepard, our 5'2" titan of terror has been a good girl, bad girl, tart, bad ass and victim of circumstance and ranked #9 on Maxim's "Hottest Women of Horror Movies". She adheres to a strict vegan diet, does animal rights charities our lady of the week has written two books about her life in the B-movie industry, "Bio & Chainsaw" and "I'm Screaming as Fast as I Can". I speak of Linnea Quigley. Chances are, ladies if you are reading this and you are over the age of 30, your man has seen this girl nude more than a few times. It is with the Halloween season in full swing I bring you Linnea Quigley Week.

Enjoy.

Fer sure!