Back again blog fans. Man, it's
almost like I do this regularly. Scheduled a haircut for today so I
can actually get some filming done on Phantasm II video
review. Guaranteed to be a tooter and a titter. Today's film has a
ring of infamy. Okay, sit down and I will explain. As some of you
may be unaware, the country Turkey has had some stringent rules about
TV and Film. Issues with nudity, graphic violence and even cursing
in their films. So with that in mind, imagine such films as Ms.
.45 and I Spit on Your Grave being the inspiration for
today's flick but not being able to show that same level of
vulgarity, violence and depictions of rape. This is Karate Girl.
a.k.a. Golden Girl Karate Girl.
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| The subtitles mock her gun handling. |
Yes, that alternative title was so absurd I felt it deserved to be given its due. We open with title
cards and a piano score which ends abruptly. You know how most
scores will fade out? Well, this one just ends. We see a gorgeous
view of the land, a bit of waterfront and what I took to be a dingy
blonde handing out flowers. Oh wait, that's our protagonist. Now
understand this, she appears to be a bit simple, mute and selling her
father's flowers for money.
Not exactly the beginnings of an
antihero story arc, right? You can't have Harry Callahan trimming a
Banzai tree and then minutes later, blasting a guy in the chest.
Our little blond is known as Zeynep (Filiz Akin of Fluffy
dreams, Little darling, Separation, Sweet Language, Bitter Life and I
cry), whose life consists of tending to her farm, cooking and
cleaning after her father who works primarily in his greenhouse.
Yeah so, after peddling flowers that somehow almost everyone is accommodating to throw her the odd coin for, she heads home for a
lengthy walk, cleans the place up, does the laundry and cooks for
dad.
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| Turkish Randolph Scott senses danger. |
Due to lengthy exposition plot dump, we
find out they have saved enough money to get Zeynep an operation to
get her voice back. Oh happy day, callooh callay. Unbeknownst to
our simple farm folk, a gang of thieves, murderers and rapists escape
in the middle of the night from a secure prison and are on the loose.
They sneak their way on the farm, help
themselves to food, the saved money and kill dear old dad. The
shock and trauma gives Zeynep her voice back and a burning
determination to seek revenge. Well bright side, you don't have to
save up money again...except for dad's funeral expenses.
The police try to see if Zeynep knows
whether or not the fugitives at large are responsible by supplying
her with the blurriest photos of each men in a slideshow
presentation. Looked like these things were taken underwater and out
of focus. Zeynep plays dumb and claims she doesn't recognize these
men as she will hunt them down herself.
A stranger comes to her farm, asking
for shelter and food for a day's work. Name of Murat (Ediz Hun
of I will cry for tomorrow, My life is yours, Rose, All mothers are
brothers, Separation and Doubt),our handsome stranger strikes
a rapport with Zeynep almost instantly. Yeah they really need to
understand the importance of a title card, wipe or dissolve. These
tools establish time has lapsed.
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| Peasant by day, leather momma by night. |
Murat shows her how to shoot, react to
combat and gives her advice on what each objective must be in order
to win the day and not succumb to the darkness of a gun. She must
control her actions, aim for the heart, catch flies with chopsticks
and never go the path of the Dark Side. Yeah, I may have
encountered a few mentor characters in my reviewing.
Will Zeynep get her revenge? Will
handsome Murat take her as his own? Can the jump cuts in this flick
not be so jarring???
Okay a bit of trivia now. In 2012, a
viral clip of this very movie when on almost every social media
possible, calling it "the worse movie death scene ever".
By that, they clearly meant the worse death scene placed on film
because it is far too over the top and goofy. Thankfully my version
has a voice over during that so I do not have to hear the minute and
seven seconds of a guy screaming from multiple gun shots.
Yeah it goes on quite a bit and is
hammy but not longer than some death scenes, including Sleepaway
Camp's pedo chef scalding screaming scene or the 2 minutes and 15 of
Heather death of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation
sequences. That being said, it's painful to behold. So poorly done.
Our Turkish cuts of film is extreme
jump cut endings with nothing formulating time difference, a transition if you will. Nothing of film technique like a dissolve,
wipe or fade to point out that scene is finished and onto the next
one. Seriously, a guy is mourning his brother dying in the hospital
and the abrupt move to the next scene without any resolution.
So yeah, at best you have ideas,
concepts trying to be put across. Um, the actions scenes are
passable but the overall execution of movie is lacking. This is
ideal for a drinking game for film makers. AHHH! Out of focus!
Drink! Ahhh not properly blocked! Drink!
Feel free to work on riffs for the
film. I know I want to do a bit of that writing but again, I put it
on YouTube and no one sees it. Awww Sad Clown.
Tomorrow busy with being an extra on a
indie film so no write ups on Wednesday. Ta ta!
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| Filiz Akin is Turkish Policewoman...in Color. |
