Bloodsucker Sequels: Dracula II: The Ascension

Hiya gang and welcome back for Day 4 of Bloodsucker Sequels. Hey remember when director/writer Patrick Lussier retold the legend of Dracula in the year 2000? Thus getting the title Dracula 2000? What ever became of Simon Shepard and Mary Van Helsing? Did they ever drag down the smoking remains of Dracula and entomb in the crypt under Carfax Abbey? What if none of those questions will be answered at all? Then you would have a sequel ignoring its own storyline. This is Dracula II: Ascension.

Hey, that's not Gerald Butler!

So the fairly well spoken narrative of Mary being her father's daughter and the keeper of Dracula's remains...yeah we can toss that notion right out the window. RETCON! Hours after Dracula transmogrifies to Mr. Crispy due to intense ultraviolet rays he is wheeled into the morgue.  Prior to this reveal is our beginning story in Transylvania with Father Uffizi (Jason Scott Lee of Back to the Future II, Ghoulies Go to College, Map of the Human Heart, Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story, The Jungle Book, Tale of the Mummy, Soldier, Lilo & Stitch, Timecop: The Berlin Decision and The Prophecy: Forsaken and Seventh Son) with twin vamp girls (Jennifer Kroll of Weird Science, Cybill and Dracula II: Ascension) when he was injured by one of the vamps corrupting him. He walks in the sun and flogs himself to purge the evil.

Now according to a friend of mine who watched this with the commentary on; it was stated that the master of vampires' body was swapped for another and Mary ended up claiming another charred corpse and stowed him away. Apparently that scene just wasn't worth filming or maybe it hit the cutting floor. There goes her pre-natural senses. Interns Luke (Jason London of Dazed and Confused, Mixed Signals, Broken Vessels, The Rage: Carrie 2, Jason and the Argonauts and Grind)and Liz (Diane Neal of Dracula II: Ascension, Second Born, Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, NCIS, Power, Suits and NCIS: New Orleans) work to move the body for an experimentation when they see the body healing on its own from third degree burns of bone and ash.

Jeremy? Jason here.  Look I'm not feeling this role. Cover for me?

Professor Lowell (Craig Sheffer of Nightbreed, A River Runs Through It, Hellraiser: Inferno, One Tree Hill and The Mark) suffering from palsy feels this is the real first step to repairing his on diseased cells. Along for the ride of science and the macabre is fellow intern/students Kenny (Khary Payton of Street Sharks, Certain Guys, Latter Days, Marvel: Ultimate Alliance, Teen Titans, Friday: The Animated Series, Ben 10, The Sims 3, Marvel: Ultimate Alliance 2 and Young Justice) and bubbly Tanya (Brande Roderick of Club Wild Side 2, Stripper Wives, Baywatch, Baywatch: Hawaiian Wedding, Starsky & Hutch, Lucky 13 and The Daily Habit). So off to flirt with damnation and death then!

A middle man Eric meets to explain that large sacks of money are on their way if the kids play ball. Lowell goes on to explain the mythos of Dracula as he can apparently change his appearance after every resurrection (Hang on a tic, that's the Doctor's racket you hornin' in on, mate!) and their paltry explaination why Gerald Butler is not reprising his former role but now a platinum blonde man (Stephen Billington of Out of the Blue, Highlander: The Raven, Cornation Street, Resident Evil, Young Arthur, The Prophecy: Uprising, A Life in Suitcases and Hollyoaks) who flirts with Liz. With Luke being the only real one of sound mind, he goes shopping for holy water, knotted rope and seeds following the vampire mythos of their need to untie knots, count seeds and well holy water probably burns like the Dickens. Meanwhile, Father Uffizi is on the trail for Dracula as well and Heaven help whomever stops him.

Will tampering with Dracula lead to bodies hitting the floor? Should Luke pour holy water all over himself? Can Liz stop flittering between her collective men?

Patrick Lussier really wanted Dracula to be the pinnacle apex of evil so Billington claims to be to be Gilles de Rais (Knight and Marshal who was a companion at arms with Joan of Arc dabbled in satanism and child murder), Vlad Tepes (House of Draculesti, Prince of Wallachia and Vlad the Impaler), Proximus (Dux or General of Roman Legion) and of course Judas the Betrayer. It was if though Dracula was not evil enough and had to show the audience oh yes, this is a very bad man in case SOMEHOW you forgot that. While the first film dealt with shades of gray (Not 50!), Lussier feels the need to hammer it in your skull that Dracula is the personification of all that is evil. Subtle touch.

The effects of CGI blood and practical are a decent mesh but I would have preferred more practical vs CGI. It captures better on film. Jason Scott Lee's character is a righteous wrathful man that seems like the instrument of righteous cruelty rather than a man of God so it was interesting watching him balance the two sides of himself. Location wise this is a gorgeous region of hills, mountains and township to capture on film and connected in the heart of the mythos and Stoker's own writings. Overall this is not a bad movie but it does contradict a lot of the first film. 

OoOoOo he has the sweeping cloak effect going.

Anime Absurdity: High School DxD

Just when you thought it was safe to read this blog from sure ridiculousness...Day 4 of Anime Absurdity is on. Shockingly enough this particular review will revolve around a horny teenage boy and bodacious demon girls and how to snare them all. Yup, screw morality, decency and anything wholesome. The key to this series is how much demon booty one can sample. This is High School DxD.

Tee hee...boobies

Our story centers on Issei Hyoudou, a young lad with more hormones than brain cells from Kuoh Academy who is...murdered on his first date? Okay review over! I can go! Wha? Oh crap, there's more to it, isn't there? Le sigh. He is resurrected as a devil by his fallen angel date Rias Gremory so he may serve her and her whole devil family.

He is clearly not maintaining eye contact.

Issei finds out that an all-out war has been happening for centuries against the angels, fallen angels and devils. This constant source of battling seems to almost have died down as of late and many of the three factions have either died or ceased to be. They've expired to meet their maker!! I am pretty sure I had more Monty Python references but I cannot be bothered.

After his untimely demise and reincarnation, Issei joins the Occult Research Club to ascend up the devil ranks so he may fulfill his dreams of building his own harem and becoming a Harem King. Yeah I did just actually write that. I'm not happy about it either.

So let's recap. Creator Ichiei Ishibumi established this universe for pent-up 14 year-old boys' mentality of how to interact with young women and what is to be expected of his/her prowess...oh yeah and demons, angels and fallen angels are squabbling amongst each other. With copious amounts of jiggling, nonsensical violence and grotesque creatures of Hell, Issei and his collective of cuties need to keep up their strength through large quantities of sex. Such a surprise. With a fair amount of nudity, suggested sexual situations and comical amounts of poorly dubbed dialogue it almost makes me want to watch it in Japanese language with English subtitles. Oh who the hell am I kidding? I want to get away from this level of stupid ASAP.

So if you are a sexually repressed 17 year-old boy with more than laughable viewpoint on how to interact with the opposite sex, then have at this series. If you happen to possess more brain cells than the average horn dog you will find this slaphappy horsecrap to be painful to sit through.

Issei? why aren't you staring at my breasts?

Anime Absurdity: Rosario + Vampire

Welcome back to the week! Again sorry for the lay over to Sunday but I only possess so much energy...and migraines are a bitch. Moving on, we are taking a look at some of the more popular animes of the last 10 years. Thankfully I have narrowed down some titles thanks to some of my Anime friends and it was most appreciated. Today we look at school life as a teenager but with the difference being I think the student body may be a bit more than expected. This is Rosario + Vampire.

So, has Oz changed much Jack Pumpkinhead?

Average student Tsukune has failed entry exams for almost every school in Japan. When it looks like Tsukune will have to be home taught, his father finds a flyer on their doorstep for the Youkai Academy. For the rest of the round eyes confused on this word, Youkai (Japanese folklore of monsters, spirits and demons) so a world of wonder and utter madness await our unsuspecting lad. Now often the manga and the anime with diverge into different presentations of the story but in this case they show more of the root of their being but there is not a lot of indept examination of the characters themselves. Crossing from home and through a tunnel of the bright sun shining day, is a realm of lava moats, castles and darkness. Ahh King Bowser is at work! Ominous crows and a dark woodland forest path later, the foolish lad sallies forth into this disturbing castle. At no point does the brain, instinct or every good ole' fashion fear kicking warning him. Admiral Ackbar nowhere to be found screaming, "It's a trap!" so the boy is left to his own devices.

Cue jingle sound and twinkly lights.

Concerned for his well-being Tsukune is attempting to skip out of school and run for the hills (Cue Iron Maiden) until he run smack dab into Moka Akashiya, the most loveliest girl his lids ever have to clap eyes on. The naive but good natured teen seems smitten by her and proceeds to hang out with her when he realizes there is something different about her...oh yes it could be her fangs.

Many a comedic moment in this series offering up monsters galore both male and female and because of Tsukune's good nature, the girls seem to gravitate to him. Maybe it is innocent blood, his heart will make a wonderful sacrifice to a dark deity and the like but he needs to fight them off with a crucifix and a stick. Apparently the boy's pheromone signature drives the girls crackers as he is actively pursued by a succubus, a witch and an ice creature. And before you menfolk ask, yes there is booby, upskirt jokes and many a time of them running around in their bra and panties. So glad we got that all cleared up.

With a great animation, wonderful music and voice work being top notch it is not too difficult to figure out what drew most folks to the series. The monsters vary in multiple folklore as we have lizard men, a fiery fox creature, mermaids, werewolves all with hair colors in their humanoid forms ranging in colors of the rainbow to only ones I have seen in yarn. Moka's flashbacks about Human scholastic are a bit on the vague, I was hoping to see a goofy mob of pitchforks and torches but alas none came to pass. I do love the talking bats that announce they're talking bats. Yup a momentary distraction from the action scenes, love scenes or general chaos. 

Yikes, he's got that Legend of the Overfiend look in his eye.

 

Henry Rollins: Up for It

Welcome back my gregarious readers. I know that in your hearts you want even more Henry Rollins information. Okay, if you didn't want to know, skip this article. 

From 1979 to 1980, Henry was working as a roadie for Teen Idles and Bad Brains (two D.C. Based Punk bands back when Lincoln was in office) and wrote several songs for State of Alert as front man and lead vocalist only to disband after 3 dozen concerts only to line up his give with Black Flag. With that all in mind, how about a journey through Rollins' frontal lobes? Sounds terrifying? Well buckle up boneheads, cuz we're going for a ride. This is Henry Rollins: Up for It.

Yes he does work out.

In 2001, at the end of a three month tour, it was decided Rollins would bring his brand of humor, worldly experience and bizarre road stories to his crowd of London where he informs people of his trips to Australia, how Aussies fear next to nothing around the planet never worried about Nature's wrath. Favorite story is him reading about a Canadian man mashing his wang with a toilet seat in a Starbucks...for whatever reason that guy did that. I cannot wrap my head around why any man needs that level of pain, what possessed him to even try that and how hung was he. Sorry brain went to the dark side for a moment.

America's myopic view on the rest of the planet does cloud your mindset. Experiencing travel against customs and cultures allowing to appreciate the difference in morality and what is accepted. While in Bangkok, Rollins is being harassed at 1 in the morning on the mission for nothing more than mineral water, Rollins is accosted by cabbies offering underage girls for his distinct tastes, pleasures and perversion. Back of my head, says to me, "Oh you confused me for Adam Ant," but that's me. Our boy wonder attempts to fend them off with a few polite comments and gracefully decline offers of far too young naked flesh thus confusing said cabbies. After claiming the prize of refreshing water, he is once again offered a varied pitch of making their way around the zoo and afterwords getting some tail so you can't win either way on being considerate to others' feelings all the time. That in mind, do not flog the scumbag with a tire iron even if you could fully justify it. No Thai Lovehouse for Henry. Awww...

Yes Sky God?

His audition for Death for Smoochy could not come at a more awkward time. His agent insists he takes Danny Devito seriously and this could make or break his acting career. He is cutting an album with his band and being gone away from that would seriously compromise his album release. Should he turn it down or should he be loud, proud and insane? With a bold move of overacting he could set a bar so high and I am in favor of Henry Smash!!!

How to end hatred to the likes Ku Klux Klan? You need 3,000 men that embodies three ideals or concepts too vast for the Klan. Gay men, Jewish and blacks...you have created the Klan Chaos Disruption Team! Maybe showing up in a myriad of colored robes and hoods playing Jazz or some Blues as they march.

For 96 minutes of bounding around the stage, venting his spleen and speaking of whacking one's wang in the toilet, you can see the hamster in his wheel going bonkers. Will it bring you mirth? Is it insightful? Can you stand my ridiculous questions?

I did enjoy his seething hatred of Djs. 

Is it so difficult to understand??!!!

Chasing Amy

Hey there folks. Sorry about the delay yesterday but migraine day cannot always be altered or able to avoid it. Getting back to our wordsmith, Kevin Smith who managed to create his own comic book series (Clerks, Jay and Silent Bob, Bluntman and Chronic) for what is referred as the View Askewverse manages to churn out a romantic comedy with an original idea. An original idea bringing cultures and subcultures together with a fairly objective view. This is Chasing Amy.

Daredevil or Bat-Man?

Comic book writer/artist calm and collective Holden McNeil (Ben Affleck of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Dazed and Confused, Mallrats, Going All the Way, Good Will Hunting, Armageddon, Reindeer Games, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, Daredevil, Clerks II and Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice) and loud and obnoxious writer/inker Banky Edwards (Jason Lee of Mallrats, Kissing a Fool, Enemy of the State, Dogma, Mumford, Almost Famous, Vanilla Sky, Big Trouble, Clerks II, My Name is Earl and Alvin and the Chipmunks) best buddies for more than 20 years are living the dream that they wanted for so long. Attending a convention for the sake of their book, fellow writer/artist Hooper X (Dwight Ewell of Stonewall, Flirt, Chasing Amy, Kiss Me, Guido, The Waiting Game, Dogma, Intern, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, Wheelmen and Street Poet) rouses a room for the lack of African Americans in popular culture of Sci-fi and comics makes like a Black Panther to get his book out there but is as butch as an ice skater's partner.

Amusing scene aside, artist/writer Alyssa Jones (Joey Lauren Adams of Dazed and Confused,Mallrats, Big Daddy, Bruno, Harvard Man, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, The Big Empty, Endure and She Loves Me Not) a smart, funny and very easy on the eyes girl that practically beams as she enters the room. Holden is almost weak in the knees because of this girl and the foursome make their way to a bar for late night celebration. No sooner does Alyssa takes the mic it is pretty clear she is batting for the other team and crushes Holden but he finds himself captivated by Alyssa and the two develop a friendship and hang out. Holden finally breaks down and confesses his love to Alyssa. The two fight but later that evening the two start a romantic relationship.

Yeah I'm dishy.  What's yer point?

Holden now "distracted" by Alyssa means he is not as focused on the book, the cartoon offer and life itself. Banky hates her outright and does not trust her, proceeding to dig into her past finding out her sexual trysts of the day and how that clearly is not something Holden should have to deal with it. Holden is confused, befuddled by Banky and his love for Alyssa.

What is Holden to do? Can he keep both Alyssa and Banky in his life? Is his funny book worth it?

Fun trivia on this film, Chasing Amy is one of Smith's favorite films and Tarantino favorite flick of 1997. Holden and Hooper X are at the music store looking at Cds at Jack's Music Shoppe across the street from Kevin Smith's comic shop, Jay & Silent Bob's Secret Stash. One of the hecklers at the beginning of the flick, calling Banky an inker as a tracer was played by Casey Affleck, little brother of Ben Affleck.

Back off Batboy, you can't handle all of this.

Anime Picks Week: Goldenboy

Welcome back for Day 4 of Anime Picks Week. Sorry for yesterday as there has been some trouble acquiring the job I want but enough of that! Let's get back to the anime of the day and this is no exception at all. The subgenre falls under erotic comedy so yes this series is indeed not for the kiddies. We find our main protagonist is a undersexed, easily distracted and somewhat ridiculous perv. The lad's world is filled with landmines of the female persuasion, tempting him at every turn... according to him at least. This is Goldenboy.

Derp!

Our show hails from the same named manga by mathematician and writer Egawa Tatsuya (Be Free, Dead Man, ONE ZERO NINE, The Last Man, Golden Boy and Happy Boy) who found the ability to combine story arcs with humor, adult language and adult situations in manga form. His stories were so bizarre and goofy it is no wonder this was turned into a six-part series. Meet Kintaro Oe, age 24: left his studies at Tokyo University without graduating in spite of having met all his requirements for his law degree, he deems himself a free spirit and constant student of life. Kintaro takes on various jobs within each new town he bicycles himself to.

Oh yes young man, they are real.  How sweet of you to notice.

Our young adventurer seems to always land a job around or nearby exotic, strong-willed women that he either lusts after profusely or their personalities dare him to strive to their expectations. His typical first impression from the girls is he is a loathsome pervert trying to sneak peeks and make lewd comments. He is in fact young and inexperienced in the matters of polite society and tends to speak what is on his mind before he thinks it through. He is good natured and considerate but must battle with his inner demons of gawking at this provocative women that surround him and his work-site. As a student of life, he keeps a constant update on his finding with his prized possession, his notebook. At the end of the day, he is a hyperactive geek that is awkward at times and sweet at others. Always aiming to learn, help where he can and see bewbs, Kinatro is a beacon of goodness that just happens to be tarnished by being headstrong and hormone ridden.

Just a few points on the show now. Most of the humor surrounding this series is incidental, happenstance and the lad simply has the worst luck when dealing with the opposite sex. He endeavors to be smoother, wiser and more of a capable man. The typical other dimensional Dragon Ball Z effects occur in the form of speed lines, lighting and booming voices when he needs to get a point across or someone is flogging him for his hedonistic ways. My real complaint about this almost hentai series is the women are only two types. Strong, independent and quick to judge or meek and subservient. The portrayals of either doesn't exactly paint girls and women well.

That being said, this series is goofy, fun in an adult theme and makes most guys realize that this could be them if they don't straighten up. The nudity as a whole is light and there is sexual situations but nothing graphic or detailed. Subtle as a brick but tame enough to not offend in a horrible light.   

YOU CAN'T JUST OGLE MY GIRL IN FRONT OF ME!!!