Hollow Point

And I am back. Yes I have been delinquent in my writing. I am currently assisting my folks because they can use the help. I won't go into detail due to that being personal and not really relevant for this blog. Today's movie hails from the forgotten time of 1996.   Why, some of you weren't even born yet. For those my age or a tad younger, yeah you were a teenager. Our movie is brought to us by NU Image a.k.a. Millennium Films (Homefront, Rambo, Leatherface and The Expendables) and our director Sidney J. Furie (Swingers' Paradise, Lady Sings the Blues, Iron Eagle, Superman IV: The Quest for Peace, Iron Eagle II and The Taking of Beverly Hills) has managed multiple genres under his belt. So let's see some low budget, shoot 'em up action with some punchy dialogue and more than a handful of cars exploding. This is Hollowpoint.

So you don't remember me from Kull the Conqueror?

Shocking we have alternative titles Rysk Roulette and Lethal Point. Merging former rivalries of the Chinese, Italians and Russian mafias under one organization, Investment banker/gangster Thomas Livingston (John Lithgow of Terms of Endearment, Footloose, 2010: The Year We Made Contact, Cliffhanger, 3^rd Rock from the Sun, Dexter and Rise of the Planet of the Apes) has the DEA and FBI up his proverbial butt having one last major payday for his esteemed colleagues and that is all that is viable. He has devised a plan to assist his partners in their further criminal activities and keep them in money until the end of their days.

Breathing down his neck, FBI agent Diane Norwood (Tia Carrere of Zombie Nightmare,Wayne's World, True Lies, Merlin: The Return, Relic Hunter, Lilo & Stitch, Duck Dodgers and In Plain Sight), headstrong, determined and sadly low on the FBI food chain has been undercover as a means to get Livingston. The fiasco ensued and created a mass shootout with FBI and Russian mob that frankly should have destroyed a church. Seriously, it had to be close to 300 to 400 rounds dispatched between the two factions.  If this was a first person shooter MMORPG, these weapons were on infinite ammo.

Tia's hotness causes guns to blur.

With her assignment completely botched, Diane has to go back to square one. The head of the Russian Mob, Krezinsky (David Hemblen of Brainscan, Tommy Boy, Rollerball, X-Men animated series, A Nero Wolfe Mystery and Where the Truth Lies) demands blood and Livingston offers an olive branch of one of Diane's friends with the work to be done by an independent contractor Lawson (Donald Sutherland of Invasion of the Body Snatchers, M.A.S.H., JFK, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Punch, The Puppet Masters, Virus, Instinct, Panic and The Hunger Games), a freelance assassin with flair. 

Dr. Dick Solomon is not amused

With that in mind, Diane encounters DEA Max Parrish (Thomas Ian Griffith of The Karate Kid Part III, Excessive Force, Vampires, xXx, One Tree Hill, The Pirate's Curse, Cold Case and The Kidnapping) who knows about Livingston's cash and knows whoever finds the scratch gives it directly to his or her agency due to forced seizure. Now with the combined mobs feeling unease, Max and Diane are trying to deal with them, face their superiors, find the money and try to not kill each other with a shaky alliance. By the way, the cops response time in this flick is insane. They really book from location to location, it was a bit staggering.

Okay let me just point out, I enjoy the hell out of this movie. With the ridiculous amount of violence, explosions and one liners for our heroes and villains; this is a fun ride. Think of this as a live-action anime that is just nuts. I had so much fun with it.

All these parlors, I just want a therapeutic massage.

Nemesis Week: Nemesis 4: Death Angel

And we are back. Apologies for not getting this finished on Friday. I decided to do an audio review of a DVD that was poorly formatted. Thankfully no encryption to speak of but still it was crap. Today however we continue following Alex (Sue Price) as she has to kill a man. Shall we see how that turns out? This is Nemesis 4: Death Angel a.k.a. Cry of Angels: Nemesis 4, Nemesis IV and Nemesis 4.

Yeah I miss the braids.

Alex is back, kicking ass and taking names. Our movie opens with the weirdest red sun glare effect. Ahhh Alex is on Krypton!!! Kidding aside, Alex is speaking to a Padre about his drug racket smuggling action he had and dispatches his cyborg ass.  Not sure why Alex in very obvious black vinyl newsboy cap and raincoat but she is off being pursued by more cyborgs and popping out time seems easy and she distracts her trackers by....flashing them and gunning them down? Um okay.   Woman in black (Blanka Copikova of Nemesis 4: Death Angel and Andrenalin: Fear the Rush) speaks of weeping angels and mows the borgs down.

Text exposition points out the uneasy peace humans and cyborgs have as a bit of footage from 2 and 3 are being used as the credit titles go. Well makes sense to use what you already have. Alex is a cyborg killer and her handler Benardo (Andrew Divoff of Toy Soldiers, The Hunt for Red October, Wishmaster, JAG, Wishmaster 2: Evil Never Dies, Alias, Crossfire, CSI: Miami) gives her the Farnsworth speech of one last job before she retires. She has been residing in the future of 2080 now gacking cyborgs on the QT but she has gotten either sloppy.

We don't get much call for that, Just Johnny.

Kind of miss the braids as her hair is completely straighten. So off to Europe to seduce an almost complete borg and he assumes her to be the woman in black as they are both have similar build. She tends to him effectively. Benardo does not care for her attitude towards life and death. Dude, she is a giant leap into the human evolution in the sense of smarter, faster and stronger. That much death on her hands and you don't think she wouldn't be a bit off. The cyborgs all have this tattooing and indentations like her on again, off again borg with benefits Earl (Nicholas Guest of Star Trek II: Wraith of Khan, USA High, Roughnecks: The Starship Troopers Chronicles, Cowboy Bebop: The Movie, Star Trek: Armada II, Star Trek: Bridge Commander, Justice League, Sons of Anarchy and Batman: The Brave and the Bold) as a good kill apparently gets Alex in the mood.

Yes all nude, but shadows are obfuscating everything.

We will skip the information retrieval/sexual gratis because I feel akward mentioning it. Lot of phallus penetration comments to be made. No sooner does that weird bit of tension Alex finds out that her kill was the wrong man and Earl is supposed to put two in the coconut and call it a day. Probably few men that have an issue being crushed in Alex's legs. Benardo giving off a Ralphie of Johnny Mnemonic vibe and Alex should have picked up on that if the job went as sideways as she thinks it did.

She's as hardcore as ever but for some reason Albert Pyun just wants to display her as a sex object rather than the bad ass warrior she has been for the previous movies. Alex is still as lost in this time as she was in 1980 without her tribe or direction.

She and the Woman in Black are forming a relationship of questions and answers but the answers will come at a time of the Woman in Black's choosing and not sooner. I find most of the dialogue lacking substance and redundant. It felt like Pyun was setting up for a part 5 but didn't really feel like it was going to happen.

Didn't think I would say this but I wasn't really impressed with this one. Story feels a bit choppy and rushed. The camera work is very professional but the lighting feels like a photo shoot rather than a movie. I am disappointed in freedom fighter turned femme fatale. Well on Monday I check in with director Dustin Ferguson on what tidbits he can release about his upcoming Nemesis 5 film. 

That thing on your forehead is ready to pop.

Nemesis Week: Nemesis

Welcome back to the week. In celebration of my buddy writer/director/editor Dustin Ferguson (Terror at Black Tree Forest, Silly Scaries, Doll Killer, Occult Holocaust, Cheerleader Camp: To the Death, Invitation to Die, Silent Night, Bloody Night 2: Revival, Meathook Massacre and Blood Claws) his new film project that probably starts in August Nememis 5. Better known for Horror this should be an interesting foray into an existing Sci-Fi series. The brainchild from the series director/writer/producer Albert Pyun (Cyborg, Deceit, Brain Smasher...A Love Story, Spitfire, Heatseeker, Raven Hawk, Mean Guns, Postmortem) will be executive producer for this new saga. In honor of that and the suggestion of my co-host of Rotten Ramblin' On Shawn, it was decided to sit through the first four of these cyberpunk post-apocalyptic films. This is Nemesis.

Have you any fruit to declare?

In the far away future of 2020 (Yes that was sarcasm) Alex (Olivier Gruner of Angel Town, Nemesis, Savate, Mercenary, Mars, Mercenary II: Thick & Thin, The Circuit, Crooked, Beyond the Game and Assassin X), a burned out LA cop turned bounty hunter is tracking enhanced cyborgs as he was charged with taking down The Red Army Hammerheads, a gathering of cyborg freedom fighters when it all goes pear shaped. After acquiring a data chip of a courier android, Alex runs right smack dab into the terrorists and gun fu ensues. He manages to blow away most of them at the cost of damn near his life with the surviving memeber Rosaria (Jennifer Gatti of Mobsters, Star Trek: The Next Generation, Double Exposure, Millennium Man, Blood Money, Finding Carter and Vice Principals) calls him a soulless machine and pops him.

After some cybernetic implantation and months of therapy, Alex is back to his old self. Well...86.5 percent himself as he tracks down Rosaria in to Old Baja to take her and her ragtag terrorist cell out. 

Man this wig is warm.

His handler/former lover Jared (Majorie Monaghan of The Bonfire of Vanities, Regarding Henry, Nemesis, The Osiris Chronicles, Babylon 5, Rescue 77, Becker and Andromeda) is an android that pulled him from prison and gave him his terrorist slaying missions and now he has to dull the pain of his synthetic organs and cyber implants with a drug making him practically a slave for his masters. They let him run wild for a time, freelance gun for hire/triggerman if you will until, you guessed it. Yet another gunfight goes horribly awry.

With more rehab and improvements, Commissioner Farnsworth (Tim Thomerson of Fade to Black, Trancers, Near Dark, Air America, Dollman, Trancers II, Trancers III, Nemesis, Brain Smasher... A Love Story and Spitfire) gives Alex one last assignment, to track down and eliminate Jared and her network of spies and terrorists. The story they gave Alex feels hinky at best but with his new rebuild they added a bomb to his heart set to go off in three days unless he tracks down Jared. In New Rio, Alex makes his way to a cyborg name of Julian (Deborah Shelton of The Yellow Rose, Body Double, Dallas, The Choice,Sins of the Night, Desire, Plughead Rewired: Circutry Man II and High Tide) and a strike team is waiting to pounce on Jared.

OooO hot chick.  Hey isn't that Thomas Jane against her?

Julian tells Alex the main reason Farnsworth is after Jared because of the info she has is about a plot for the machines to take key roles in the governments all over the planet. Whether Alex believes this or not, the crap has hit the fan and the bullets starting flying.

Can Alex stop this plot? Will Farnsworth pop Alex as well? Are humans even aware the dangers of the androids and cyborgs possess?

To be fair, I have seen this film before and I love the cyberpunk genre since Phillip K Dick and William Gibson starting writing it. The action is impressive, the story sound and even the exposition is decent. Loved seeing Vincent Klyn of Cyborg and Point Break being a terrifying bad ass again as well.

B-movie it may be but don't be too quick to discount the potential for a good flick. Hell, A list film have been known to fall flat on their ass.  Just ask Judge Dredd.

M-hm, good peep show here.

Jim Wynorski Week: The Wasp Woman

Welcome back everyone and we are into another Jim Wynorski film. As said yesterday, I have not given a fair shake to the director/writer/producer/actor so I will attempt my objectivity. Today we get take a gander at a remake of Roger Corman's metamorph character of an aging woman unable to struggle against the ravages of age, desperate for a change. This is The Wasp Woman.

This suit itches.  Big time.

A model who as built up her own cosmetics firm and always model the advertisement but now she has reached the ripe era of her forties. Janice Starlin (Jennifer Rubin of A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors, Bad Dreams, The Doors, The Crush, Full Eclipse, Saints and Sinners, Screamers, Last Lives, Fatal Conflict and Amazons and Gladiators) at her wit's end with her investors insistent for her to step aside in view of a much younger model as the face of the company. Desperate to maintain her status she seeks the services of a scientist Dr. Eric Zinthrop (Daniel J. Travanti of General Hospital, Hill Street Blues, Missing Persons, Just Cause, Poltergeist: The Legacy, Boss and NCIS: Los Angeles) has an experimental treatment that he claims can turn back the clock.

My boobs and I are here to see you.

 

 Familiar face from Janice's assistant Mary (Melissa Brasselle of Sorceress, Body Chemistry 4: Full Exposure, Raptor, Cheerleader Massacre, Treasure Hunt, The Curse of the Komodo and Vampire in Vegas) and her board of directors John (John Henry Richardson of Evil Spawn, Terror Night, Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers, Out of Time, Alienator, Cybernator, Vice Academy 3, The Wasp Woman, Vice Academy 4, Victim of Desires and Treasure Hunt) and Arthur (Gerrit Graham of Cannonball!, Demon Seed, Used Cars, The Annihilators, Chopping Mall, Police Academy 6: City Under Siege and C.H.U.D. II- Bud the Chud) so that got a bit of a snicker out of me seeing Bud the CHUD in a suit. The suits want to bring in a bubbly blonde Caitlin (Maria Ford of Masque of the Red Death, The Haunting of Morella, Slumber Party Massacre III, Mind Twister, Deathstalker IV: Match of Titans and Perfect Fit) to be the new face and Janice clamps her face with a polite smile. Dr. Zinthrop states his formula has not been perfected to the level of human trials yet but Janice threatens to pull his funding if he doesn't.

Just the tip, sweetie. Just the tip.

 

Cut to a few days later and her age has slimmed down (less age make-up) and Janice is stunning once more. Fresh faced and her energy levels are that of a twenty year old. The board confused but impressed as she proceeds to work her way through the photographer, makeup guy and the board have been taught a lethal lesson. She proceeds to morph into a wasp herself.

Will the mutation go more rampant??? Can anyone stop Janice??? Why doesn't the LAPD have a special weapons division??




Okay let's talk about the practical effects in the film. The old lady make up showed through a bit so I was a bit annoyed with that but let's dig down and love on the body suit they built for Jennifer Rubin. Illustrator/sculptor/model builder Greg Aronowitz (Meet the Applegates, Spaced Invaders, Dinosaurs, Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare, Critters 4 and Forever Young) made an impressive suit with compound eyes, a functioning mouth and a full body Wasp Queen creature and okay the body suit looks a bit lopsided due to the enormous head on it but the murderous wasp has cleavage on display that gave me a great laugh.

Yes this is an B-grade sci-fi exploitation, sexploitation kind of movie but you had that pretty well figured with this going into the film. Dialogue feels as though they hardly changed anything from the original 1960 screenplay but alter the lingo a bit but the same tongue-in-cheek gags are there. It operates on a fairly fast pace and not sure why we needed that much nudity or sex scenes but again I am not in charge. I had a blast sniggering and cackling my way through this but I do get why people defend it and view it as a good bad movie. I almost commented on IMDB in Dinosaur Island's defense but that was clarifying the difference between CGI and Stop motion.

Oh my, the girls are up there.

Aimless Adulteration: Dylan Dog: Dead of Night

Hey folks, welcome back for more Aimless Adulteration as we jump back to that far off time of 2011. Oh so long ago he says with oodles of sarcasm. I felt that I have not done a popular comic book any justice. I have read this series ever since Dark Horse Comics translated it from Italian to English. From the creator/writer Tiziano Sclavi (Nero, Cemetery Man a.k.a. Dellamorte Dellamore, Dylan Dog, Vittima degli eventi a.k.a. Dylan Dog - Victim of Circumstances and DYLAN) comes the story of a investigator whose life to a downward spiral. This is Dylan Dog: Dead of Night.

I am ruggedly handsome, aren't I?

Before we get into this, I am aware of several nay sayers of this film because it was too Americanized or the fact that Dylan's sidekick was NOT Groucho Marx as it was in the comic in 1986. Well actually he was batcrap crazy and thought he was Groucho and even managed to pull off the shtick. That being said, I had a blast with this film. Okay on with the review.  An down and out investigator Dylan Dog (Brandon Routh of Superman Returns, Zack and Miri Make a Porno, Fling, Scott Pilgrim vs. The World, Chuck, Arrow, The Flash and Legends of Tomorrow) encounters something of his past haunting him and telling him he needs to get back into "that line of work" again. Set in New Orleans, our would-be hero's conscience is nagging away at him and what he should be doing. His gopher/assistant Marcus (Sam Huntington of Detroit Rock City, Superman Returns, Fanboys, Being Human, The Throwaways, Sully and Finding Sofia) is pleading to being made a full partner and do some real investigations, not just developing film and getting groceries.

So I didn't have Buffy's number so I called you.

The new client Elizabeth Ryan's (Anita Briem of Doctors, The Nun, Doctor Who, The Evidence, Cold Trail, The Tudors and Journey to the Center of the Earth) father was killed and she has been scoffed at by the cops because she believes the killer was supernatural in the sense it was a werewolf that killed her father. Yeah got to admit, I would be a trifle skeptical too. Marcus looks about in the strange and weird happenings of New Orleans and gets killed. Yup right in the office.

Dylan grabs a forensics kit, some firearms and dons his familiar red shirt, black jacket and blue jeans and is back on the paranormal investigations. After confirming a werewolf was around the house, Dylan stops off at the morgue to pick Marcus up. Y'see Marcus is now a zombie. But not a flesh eating ghoul moaning brains braaaains (Thank you ever so much Dan O' Bannon of Return of the Living Dead. Putz.) but finds out that the undead life is like a medical condition...that is treatable?

Meanwhile the hottest club in town, the Corpus House (subtle as a grenade landing in your oatmeal) is a vampire haven providing drink, merriment and a designer drug comprised of vampire blood giving humans a super human high, strength and a primal need to breed and fight. Sorry Crack, you're yesterday's news. Master vampire Vargas (Taye Diggs of How Stella Got Her Groove Back, Go, The Best Man, House on Haunted Hill, Ally McBeal, Private Practice, Baggage Claim and The Best Man Holiday) is smooth, charismatic and scheming to make the breathers (humans) his slaves and take over the world. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Yeah, that old chestnut. Seriously, how about creating your own hobo blood bank system around the world to appease your elders or cash in on long-term investments. Always with the world domination with these cats.

Man, Zuul is butt ugly first thing when he wakes up.

Dylan still wary of days gone past, chats up the alpha werewolf in the meat packing district. Hehe little pig, little pig come be porkchops for four. Eldest werewolf Gabriel Cysnos (Peter Stormare of Fargo, The Lost World: Jurassic Park II, The Big Lebowski, 8 MM, Armageddon, Dark Summer, Strange Magic and Arrow) is nervous for the power struggle of the city and fears he may have to assert himself against the vampires if things are moving in the direction they are.

Can Dylan figure out what's going on? How funky does Marcus smell? Is Elizabeth the helpless client or the Femme Fatale?

Love the fact that WCW/WWF wrestling champion Kurt Angle gets to be Gabriel's son and werewolf. It was a nice touch. Now I am aware of a 2014 Italian film following much closer to the comic...oh excuse me, graphic novel. Vittima degli eventi a.k.a. Dylan Dog - Victim of Circumstances and what the hell, I will give it the once over.

Yup so much for the vampires not crossing thresholds.

Anime Absurdity: High School DxD

Just when you thought it was safe to read this blog from sure ridiculousness...Day 4 of Anime Absurdity is on. Shockingly enough this particular review will revolve around a horny teenage boy and bodacious demon girls and how to snare them all. Yup, screw morality, decency and anything wholesome. The key to this series is how much demon booty one can sample. This is High School DxD.

Tee hee...boobies

Our story centers on Issei Hyoudou, a young lad with more hormones than brain cells from Kuoh Academy who is...murdered on his first date? Okay review over! I can go! Wha? Oh crap, there's more to it, isn't there? Le sigh. He is resurrected as a devil by his fallen angel date Rias Gremory so he may serve her and her whole devil family.

He is clearly not maintaining eye contact.

Issei finds out that an all-out war has been happening for centuries against the angels, fallen angels and devils. This constant source of battling seems to almost have died down as of late and many of the three factions have either died or ceased to be. They've expired to meet their maker!! I am pretty sure I had more Monty Python references but I cannot be bothered.

After his untimely demise and reincarnation, Issei joins the Occult Research Club to ascend up the devil ranks so he may fulfill his dreams of building his own harem and becoming a Harem King. Yeah I did just actually write that. I'm not happy about it either.

So let's recap. Creator Ichiei Ishibumi established this universe for pent-up 14 year-old boys' mentality of how to interact with young women and what is to be expected of his/her prowess...oh yeah and demons, angels and fallen angels are squabbling amongst each other. With copious amounts of jiggling, nonsensical violence and grotesque creatures of Hell, Issei and his collective of cuties need to keep up their strength through large quantities of sex. Such a surprise. With a fair amount of nudity, suggested sexual situations and comical amounts of poorly dubbed dialogue it almost makes me want to watch it in Japanese language with English subtitles. Oh who the hell am I kidding? I want to get away from this level of stupid ASAP.

So if you are a sexually repressed 17 year-old boy with more than laughable viewpoint on how to interact with the opposite sex, then have at this series. If you happen to possess more brain cells than the average horn dog you will find this slaphappy horsecrap to be painful to sit through.

Issei? why aren't you staring at my breasts?

Anime Absurdity: Sekirei

And welcome back everyone for another helping of Anime Absurdity. This particular show was bizarre, ever so jiggly and made me wonder if anime can survive without breast jiggling and and exorbitant panty shots. No joke, there is alot of these in this series so yippie I guess. With the literal translation into English as Wagtail, it is a tad difficult to take it seriously so I am not even gonna bother to try. This is Sekirei.

MANGA SMOOOoOoOoOCH!!!

It the far away future of 2020, (4 whole years!!!) 19 year old Minato Sahashi a brilliant but easily conflicted youth has failed his college entry exams twice. A few days later, Minato meets a girl that fell from the sky known as Musubi. She claims to be a Sekirei (superpowered creatures with a different genetic code from that of humans and usually in the form of buxom young girls or extremely handsome young men) who has chosen Minato as her Ashikabi (humans with a specific genetic code that allows the Sekirei to be empowered through fluid contact via kissing or sexual intercourse) to whom she will serve and commence ridiculous anime over-to-top combat with fellow Sekirei as the the plan, the "Sekirei Plan" organized by the chairman and CEO Professor Hiroto Minakaof the MBI Corporation. He has abilities like randomly appearing on people's Tvs and commenting to them directly via telecommunications link. It's a two-way link so who knows when he is peeping in. Note to self, don't have TV in bathroom or bedroom.

Yup folks, you are in for a few doozies. So a spaceship crashed in 1999, and was discovered by two students walking in the woods in Kamikura Island, Hiroto Minaka and Takami Sahashi. The two naturally go aboard the wrecked ship to Scooby Doo it out and discover embryos and 108 creatures of life. Mostly baby birds.

Men just tossing themselves after this girl.

MBI Corporation has bought up Toyko as a sort of ground zero combatant zone allowing the 108 lifeforms to duke it out and prove their genetic worth. A complete media shutdown does not allow the Sekirei to leave Toyko so they must do battle within the confines of the game zone. The Sekirei must seek and find 8 artifacts of mysterious origin but they will be drawn to them giving them the power of the Jinki (God Instrument) . If all the Chaos Emeralds,er um I mean Infinity Stones...no wait. I mean the Seven Seals. Yeah skipping on, it will allow that Sekirei wielder to eliminate all other Sekirei. Minato is rescued by Musubi and must prepare for the three stages.

Stage 1, the Sekirei are prepped and released into the wild if you will. They are required to find Ashikabi for their power boost and will develop...wings? I am guessing for better coverage of panty shots. Stage 2, Neither Sekirei nor Ashikabi may be allowed to leave Tokyo until defeating at least one Sekirei.

Stage 3, is a serie of battle royale matches between various Ashikabi for right to harness the one of the Jinki. For some reason only the Ashikabi are allowed to weild these until the end of the stage and advance further. The final round allows the remaining Ashikabi to take their Sekirei back to Kamikura Island and fight for the final prize. Yeah so the few that remain, will battle to the last giving them the right to ascend to Heavenly Palace and title of ultimate winner. Who knows, Highlander? Who knows.

The overall story line is fascinating to watch as both Sekirei and Ashikabi interact in combat, duels and in general life itself. There is no direct set of rules they must follow and there are more than enough upskirt shots to amuse the most basic of pervs and the flexing man beasts roaming about seem to have a bit of an impact as well. So yeah not exactly certain who this show is for other than NOT FOR KIDS.

Eyes up here.  Pervs.

Polished Turd or Hidden Gem: Knock Off

Welcome one and all to Polished Turd or Hidden Gem Week. Quick question: What is the single easiest genre to numb your mind and just carry your woes away? Nope, not a Romantic Comedy. Nice guess. Horror? Well if you are rooting for the slasher/vampire/werewolf/zombies then I suppose but I am speaking of the genre that takes all stereotypes, tropes and cliches, churns them like butter and tries to make a new spin on an old thing. Yup, action movies are the correct answer or at least the answer I was looking for. Whether it is buddy cops working out their differences in ethnic,age or sex, femme fatales, jiggly girls or bad ass women with cheeseball lines and a villain so over-the-top Jeremy Irons from Dungeons and Dragons would say, “Oh be a good chap and tone it down a bit.” So we combine the martial arts of the Muscles from Brussels, some Chinatown damage with moves and melee weapons, some explosions and a few hot girls to go with? Well this is Knock Off.

Oh God... I fell... right on my keys.

Marcus Ray (Jean Claude Van Damme of Bloodsport, Kickboxer, Double Impact, Universal Soldier, Double Team and Expendables 2) is feeling things are finally going his way. After being a designer fashion impostor giving nearly the right look to a low end piece of dog crap, he is off to start his new company with a designer jean label. With his contacts, his all-female staff and his equally sexist partner Tommy (Rob Schneider of Saturday Night Live, Judge Dredd, Down Periscope, The Hot Chick, Shark Bait and Norm of the North), a slick weasel with a head for figures they are on their way to bask in fortune..buuuuUuuuuut... imagine if you will a fine looking insurance agent Karen Lee (Lela Rochon of Boomerang, Gang Related, Why Do Fools Fall in Love, Waiting to Exhale, Brooklyn's Finest, Blood Done Sign My Name and Supremacy) tells the boys that the last shipment of their jeans were not only cheaply made but frauds to begin with (Yeah I am already tired of writing knock off) and unless they get their cargo manifests fixed they will owe the company close to 5 million.

Getting with his mischievous, underhanded brother from another mother Eddie Wang (Wyman Wong of Who's the Man, Who's the Woman, Gang xing sian sheng, United We Stand and Swim, Bit luen, Love Undercover and 12 Golden Ducks) who tells Marcus that he was paid a lot to move some shipments around and make a batch of bamboozlement and no one is the wiser.

In Soviet Russia, bullet sales buy blue jeans!

Did I mention Soviets have developed a micro bomb about the size of a watch battery that can be set off by any electronic chirp or motion of so much as turning it on and off?? So Hong Kong police not thrilled with our duo dupers, Chinese gangs and street punks and finally the Soviets want their balls as well.

Can Marcus and Tommy make it out alive?? Will there be more explosions than a Michael Bay flick? Will poor Lela have to suck face with either of those two jackholes?

A few comments to register about this flick now. I am not expecting life affirming significance from my action movie nor do I expect it to usher me into the plateau of a higher learning. That being said I dropped “Whiskey Tango Foxtrot??!!” far too many times in this flick. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot is Paul Sorvino doing in this? Why are these cars so easy to engulf in flame?? Are they running on a mildly stable nitroglycerin? Whiskey Tango Foxtrot is with all the jiggly girls??!! Actually I know the last one, that panders to the chauvinist in all males sadly.

Our plot is already flawed when you put the name actor in a “EVERYDAY” scenario or workplace and not even attempt to make it feasible. I will buy the CGI in The Hobbit before I think Knock Off has any place in reality. That being said, this is exactly what you expect of an action film. Fist and gunfights, car chases and crashes, objectifying of women and pervs that enjoy that. This is not a bad film in the sense that it is choppy or poorly made. I spotted a few film flubs. An assault rifle turning into an SMG, back and again but nothing too horrible. Okay so I saw a dead guy in a boat tossing himself overboard as he was “kicked” over but nothing that terrible. Not brilliant but dammit you came to the Van Damme for some ass whippings and a few one-liners. Is it a polished turd or a hidden gem?

Got to be honest, I don't see it standing in many minds as that “one flick” with Van Damme. Mildly diverting, easy to entertain and most likely quickly forgotten is this writer's verdict. Feel free to see for yourself.

Shh...let the symbolism wash over you...

Schwarzenegger Week: Commando

And thus starts the Week of Schwarzenegger!!!  Hmm, I should have smoke and explosions when I speak like that.  Oh well.  Today's film evolves a military coup, kidnapping, a few dozen or so deaths, some property damage in multiple locations and some memorable one-liners.  Some familiar faces will be added to your Schwarzenegger roster as reoccurring actors in whatever project he had in mind and some need for disbelief how one man could cause this level of carnage.  Director Mark L. Lester (Class of 1984, Firestarter, Armed and Dangerous, Showdown in Little Tokyo, Double Take and White Rush)  would like you to take this wild ride of puns and pain. This is Commando.

HE CUTS DOWN TREES!!! HE SKIPS AND JUMPS!!! 

Gen. Kirby: Leave anything for us?
John Matrix: Just spoilers.








The first 4 minutes of our movie opens with multiple homicides with different techniques and methods.  Former Delta Force Colonel John Matrix (Arnold Schwarzenegger of The Terminator, Red Sonja, Raw Deal, Predator, The Running Man, Red Heat, Total Recall and Terminator 2: Judgement Day) gets a heads up flyby (which given I think the general was under surveillance) by his former superior General Kirby (character actor James Olson of moon Zero Two, The Andromeda Strain, Maude, The Streets of San Francisco, Wonder Woman, The Bionic Woman and Lou Grant) that members of his unit of commandos have been systematically wiped out due to some mercenary outfit.  To what end?  Kirby doesn't know... yet but in the meantime he assigns a watch detail of two whole men to watch Matrix's back and flutters away.

I miss my Road Warrior assless chaps.  Oh well.

A slight sound and Matrix drops to the ground as the elite bad ass bodyguards are cut up pretty bad.  Matrix makes it to his tool shed for weapons with the mercs lead by a former member of his unit, Bennett (Vernon Wells of Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior, Weird Science, Fortress, Nam Angels, Space Truckers and Misfit Patrol) grab and kidnap his daughter Jenny (Alyssa Milano of Who's the Boss, Embrace of the Vampire, Fear, Melrose Place, Charmed, Romantically Challenged and Mistresses) at the orders of osted warlord Arius (Dan Hedaya of The Adventures of Buckaroo Across the 8th Dimension, Hill Street Blues, L.A. Law, The Addams Family, Cheers, Maverick and To Die For) that Matrix help overthrow is demanding he take out his replacement and put him back into power.

He is given 11 hours maximum to fly and make it to South America and put a bullet in Arius's successor.  Dispatching his guard/escort, Matrix makes his way off the plane heads back to find his daughter.  This plan works due to no cell or car phones.  Snagging an off-duty flight attendant Cindy (Rae Dawn Chong of Fear City, The Color Purple, Soul Man, Time Runner, Melrose Place, Highlander and Poltergeist: The Legacy) to captivate one of Arius' men so he can flog the info out of him.  Will he get to his daughter in time?  Will the contacts in South America give his position away?

And now that annoying fun fact thing I do.   The shopping mall in these sequences of Arnold bounding and be huge is Sherman Oaks Galleria and is also later used in Terminator 2: Judgement Day.  54 stunt performers had to be brought into production which is 17 more people than the screen cast.  
Nick Nolte was the original choice for John Matrix but Schwarzenegger was cast instead.   Raul Julia was intended for Arius but producer Joel Silver (The Warriors, 48 Hrs., Jumpin' Jack Flash, Lethal Weapon, Predator, Action Jackson, Die Hard and Road House) wanted Dan Hedaya for the part.

NRA spokesman had this to say...

Schwarzenegger Week: Action and One-liners

Greeting readers aboard and near.   I thought we would take in a few action flicks starring a former Mr. Olympia to marrying a Kennedy to becoming Governor of California.  Not bad for a guy people claim to not understand when he talks.  Yes, I speak of the 6'3" Austrian Oak or Conan the Republican, Arnold Schwarzenegger.

The first successful cybernetic organism!

Seven-time Mr. Olympian and five-time Mr. Universe striven to make it in Hollywood.   With a few stinkers such as Hercules in New York, the campy western The Villain and Stay Hungry.  Meeting with writer/director John Milius (Jeremiah Johnson Dirty Harry, Magnum Force, 1941, Conan the Barbarian, Red Dawn and Farewell to the King) to tackle the iconic pulp fiction barbarian savage known only as Conan of Cimmeria.  Milius had seen Stay Hungry and was marveling that the sheer size of Schwarzenegger and wondered if he could act for a big budgeted Dino De Laurentiis film based on Robert E. Howard's creation.

From Milius to James Cameron, Schwarzenegger proceed to rocket up the celebrity status alongside his competition of Sylvester Stallone and Bruce Willis starting a business chain of restaurants with movie memorabilia Planet Hollywood became a huge success.

With the latter years have a few scandals and hiccups down the road, the Govenator heads back to the cinema and to the subject matter that had made his career with Stallone's Expendables, The Last Stand and Sabotage.  It took him a bit to get where he is so chances are he is not walking away without a fight.

Obamacare allows for cyborgs!!! Lissen to MEEEEE!!!

Anime Week: Black Magic M-66

Welcome, welcome, welcome to Day 3 of Anime Week.  As I am attempting to stick to themes and genres of anime I thought now would be a good time to do a Sci-fi anime.  Yes, with its myriad of mechas, killer robots, star vessels and orbital platforms, science fiction gets a lot of love from Japanimation.   So it should not come as a surprise that this particular flick hails from the cyberpunk sub-genre manga called Black Magic M-66 created by writer/illustrator Masamune Shirow (Black Magic, Appleseed, Dominion, Ghost in the Shell and Orion) with what happens when technology you so willingly trusted with your very life takes a turn for the worse.  With that thought, you can only amaze the havoc that awaits.    This is Black Magic M-66

Sorry ma'am, no John Connors here.

Leaky: You're going after a story on the spoiler?  You're nuts!







With an aggressive android capable of moving at high speeds, agile, lethal in melee combat and packing an assortment of laser based weapons, nerve gas and an explosive core for self-destruct, it gets worse than that.  Imagine a machine capable of independent thought, tactics and strategy and will not be deterred from its objective.  That in mind, a freak lightning storm strikes the armored helicopter transport frying the pilots and causing the ride to go barreling down into a dense forest.  The android units emerge from their containment pods with the only mission parameter they know, which is a mission to find a specific target.  Their redundancy programs establish that this is their purpose for being and nothing stands in that way.   Hours later while the androids are on the move, two hunters in the woods find a Grizzly bear just smashed like a rag doll and even its thick and heavy paws are snapped and broken.   The units trail the men but they have an off-screen death to ratchet tension I suppose.  

Sir, I stepped in an exposition sinkhole.

We now get to meet Sybel, a freelance journalist with the typical anime girl build.  Yup that's right at least a large C to D cup and hourglass figure.  She pipes into a Military broadcast that an operation is underway and she grabs her cameras, tapes and cameraman Leaky to go investigate.  No sooner do they make it to the "toxic" crash site that the whole area has been sealed off by soldiers and cordoned off by trucks and men.

Tensions are a bit high in this partnership.

A Special Ops team lead by the Major, no other ID than that seems cool headed but realizes he is sending his men into a substantial forest against beings that are faster, stronger and many times more deadly than they.   With the use of massive electromagnet, the retrieval teams hope to capture and transport the M-66s with little to no fuss or muss.

I had a few quick comments on the film now.  With its fairly complex story with tech along you kind of have to go with the flow and not let your attention wander with this one, folks.  It is fast paced, hard hitting action and some nail biting moments worthy of Cameron's Terminator.  With 50 minutes on the clock you will squirm a bit in your seat waiting for the next explosion or possibly jump scare.  A fairly enjoyable movie is what it meant to me.

Form Voltron!!