SG-1 Revisited: Space Race

Day 4 is upon us so let us embrace it for SG-1 Revisited as Carter to the SGC to speak with the alien Warrick from Forsaken asks for her help to win a race with the promise of access to an ion drive reactor. Warrick explains this race is for a contract for a large corporation. With the aid of Carter and his vessel Sebrus into the race. We are at Season 7 Episode 8. This is Space Race.

Hmm I see, you too like leathers.

With the race known as the Loop of Kon Garat hosted by the Tech Con Group. The race happens once a year as multiple people entered this for the chance at this contract. Carter brings a Naquadah generator as a major power supply to help with the race. Warrick (Alex Zahara of Riverworld, Gunless, Dead Rising 2, Dead Rising 2: Case West, Earth's Final Hours, Dead Rising 2: Off the Record, The House and Inhumans) offers Carter the chance to fly with him to monitor the generator and see how the ship performs. The creator of the Sebrus and Warrick's little brother Eamon (G.Patrick Currie of Cabin by the Lake, Cold Squad, Valentine, Dark Water, Stargate SG-1 and Percy Jack & the Olympians: The Lightning Thief) is pinning all their hopes and credits on Warrick's superior piloting skills.

This race is brought to you by Sparky Cola. A zap in a can.

The commentators explain each leg of the course and it feels like the Indie 500 or the Grand Prix in Monaco. Meanwhile Daniel, Teal'c and O'Neill are at the capital of the Hebridan/Serrakin representatives. Both species joined together to throw the Goa'uld off their world and managed to prosper and develop. Both species seem to have their collective attributions to their society but there has been a bit of tension between the cultures i.e. Bigotry, slights and in general strain in the society they have both spent so many lives and blood to rebuild.

The competition is fierce as beloved and expected to win is Hebridan pilot Muirios (Benjamin Ayres of Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer, Good Luck Chuck, Dan for Mayor, Saving Hope and American Riot) and great outlaw Golon Jarlath (Scott MacDonald of Red Faction II, The Lyon's Den, Straight Into Darkness, Star Trek: Enterprise, The West Wing and Carnivale) and young, rising up and comer Lael Montrose (Lindsay Maxwell of Stargate SG-1, Deep Evil, Dante's Cove, The Butterfly Effects 2, Decoys 2: Alien Seduction, Lost Boys: The Tribe and Hair of the Sasquatch) as the race is on, the Sebrus gets damaged by sun's coronasphere that disrupted their shields due to sabotage. Eamon and Teal'c noticed a diagnostic showing power diverted from the ship.

Eamon and Teal'c find out that Eamon's supervisor Del Tynan had accessed their personal computer. To find more evidence he and Teal'c go to Tech Con and as they look into Tynan's computer and find almost every ship in the race has been tampered with except Muirios's ship. Captured by Tynan, he tells Teal'C and Eamon that the Serrakin are destroying the human race by mix marrying and crossbreeding so he will make sure that the winner of the race will be a pure blood human to begin the first step toppling the Serrakin.

Can SG-1 can get to the bottom of this conspiracy? Will Teal'c and Eamon be blasted to atoms??

Ah where the rubber meets the road...or not really.

Sci-Fi Gems Week: Silent Running

Welcome back boys and girls for Day 4 of Sci-Fi Gems Week. I had a tough call on what to cover today. On one hand the well known cult classic Kubrick film A Clockwork Orange which has probably been covered more times than I could count or the lesser known Douglas Trumbull film Silent Running. Well for all you Kubrick and McDowell fans I am sorry but the more obscure seemed the best way to go. Besides zany Bruce Dern is in this flick so how can you go wrong? This is Silent Running.

Portrait of the sleep deprived.

In the far away future all plant life on Earth is gone and the planet is covered in various gases as oxygen is almost null and void. A handful of species have been preserved in gigantic greenhouse like domes connected to American Airline space freighters (so they will probably crash or lose a door in mid-geosynchronous orbit) just a stone throw from Saturn, Botanist and ecologist specialist Freeman Lowell (Bruce Dern of Hush... Hush, Sweet Charlotte, The War Wagon, Hang 'Em High, The Cowboys, The Burbs and Nebraska) spends most of his time in the domes tending to crops, accelerating growth and even bringing animal life to fruition. Just then as if by some plot device, orders from from Earth states they are tired of footing the bill for the costs of these domes. They are ordered to destroy all the domes and return back to commercial use for goods and services.

GIANT FONT FOLLOWING US INTO DEEP SPACE!

Horrified at this information Lowell attacks his crew members ,killing one in the process and even traps two more in one of the domes as it is jettisoned and blown up. Four of the six domes have been destroyed initially and the fifth has been removed as well. With the assistance of the service droids or drones, Lowell hijacks his ship The Valley Forge in a desperate attempt to save the sixth dome.

His only companions consist of three drones he cruelly named Huey, Lewie and Dewey. I guess he was a huge Disney fan or maybe their residuals paid for this star freighter. The plants do not seem to thrive as heavily as they did prior when Lowell realizes it is due to lack of direct sunlight and proceeds to run about installing UV lamps to fix this oversight when another frieghter name of the Berkshire attempts contact with the Valley Forge. Knowing full well he will go to trial for his 3 counts of murder not to mention to direct violation of the dome's destruction, Lowell must take action in order to preserve the sixth and last dome. Can Lowell and the drones be able to pull a fast one thus saving the forest? Will Lowell go to trial and will the bots be melted to slag? And what of Timmy still stuck in the airlock?

And now some trivia on the film. The several shots of both the Valley Forge and its sister ships were later re-used for Battlestar Galactica as agricultural ships in the refugee fleet. The same named aircraft carrier Valley Forge which saw World War II, Korea and Vietnam was decommissioned and used after a few modifications and paint as the Valley Forge star freighter in the movie. It was later scrapped after all filming on it was completed. The Saturn sequence was originally intended for Kubrick's 2001: A Space Odyssey but the tech needed for the visual effects team to do was not ready for use at that time.

Creator of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Cinematic Titanic, Joel Hodgson states that Silent Running was a major inspiration for his own show... and yet not that many references in the show to said movie. More like little nods or homage. Not receiving enough of an audience alone, Silent Running was released as a double feature alongside Robert Wise's The Andromeda Strain. I say give both movies a view.

Damn Tandi equipment!! Nothing works right!!!

Doctor's Regeneration Week: Twin Dilemma

Welcome to Day 1 of Doctor’s Regenerations Week.  I will be skipping around throughout the years and reincarnations if you will just to give you folks a bit of a headache or possibly just a slight case of heartburn but I will be succinct as humanly possible.  In this episode particularly we get to see a completely different Doctor not merely just in body but also spirit so check the atmosphere,  try to not get separated and for crying out loud fix that chameleon circuit this is Doctor Who: Twin Dilemma.

 

So which one of us will be Horton then?

The Doctor: I am a living spoiler to the universe!

Moments from dying of Spectrox formula the Doctor (Peter Davison of Doctor Who, Anna of the Five Towns, Mystery!: Campion, The Mrs. Bradley Mysteries and The Last Detective) managed to crash land a large vessel, free its captors and come up with an antidote for the Spectrox poison that both he and his companion Peri (Nicola Byrant of Doctor Who, Blackadder’s Christmas Carol, More Than a Messiah Holby City and Doctors) were to perish.  As always, he tended to her first only to die from the poison and was regenerated in the process.  Peri regains consciousness and tries to rouse the Doctor when he changes before her eyes.

Elsewhere in the universe a pair of identical twins computate formulae to the likes that have not been seen before.  Their complex calculations would provide a means for immeasurable power on a catastrophic level.   The power to collapse a sun and use that energy as you see fit.   The possibilities are mind boggling as these young lads are kidnapped by a former Timelord, Edgeworth (Maurice Denham of Animal Farm, Sunday Bloody Sunday, The Day of the Jackal and 84 Charing Cross Road) in order to save the people he cares for.

No, I did not spill salt in your way and that will be the last of it!

The Doctor proceeds to change his wardrobe and is annoyed of Peri’s prattling on as he puts it and explains that he is quite happy with his change as his previous life was a load of rubbish and nicety.  Peri defends his former self in explaining he was nice and thoughtful and the Doctor not fully in control of his faculties, attempts to throttle her.   Hey I think we have all been there at least once.

The twins have been concealed on a dilapidated asteroid known as Titan 3 which by a strange coincidence the Doctor feels he must now go to as well in order to purify these sudden outbursts of deranged rage.   I thought he could just expel Peri out into space just as easily too but hey my opinion clearly did not matter in the course of this seemingly innocent plot device.

Soon the young ones find that their equations are being put to use by an order of ancient beings evolved from the common gastropod (slug) for the survival of the species.

I think you need to hit Radio Shack for a new rabbit ears set.

The Doctor and Peri find the wreckage of a star vessel and find a young pilot who joins them in pursuit of the twins but all the while the Doctor seems very out of sorts from being brilliant one moment, petulant the next and finally a degree of cowardice.  As it is with every regeneration, it takes the Doctor a few to regain his space and time legs.

BBC Week: Red Dwarf

Greetings you tossers!!!  Hmm still not sure if I am getting the lingo down but nevertheless welcome to BBC Week and I thought it best to kick this shindig into high gear with some Sci-fi Comedy, so don your space suit, prep our bazookoids and get ready to dive into the smeg.  This is Red Dwarf.

My God, it is the product of man and gerbil.

Holly: It was John Paul Satre that said, Hell is being stuck in a room for all eternity with your spoilers.

Lister: Holly, all Satre’s mates were French.

Far out in the reaches of space, a mining ore vessel known as Red Dwarf passes through the known galaxy raiding mineral deposits and taking on precious cargo to the human race making its demands.  To keep this vessel running tip-top it clearly falls on the shoulders of Second Technician Arnold J. Rimmer (Chris Barrie of Spitting Image, The Legends of Treasure Island, The Brittas Empire, Lara Croft: Tomb Raider and Back in Business) a hapless doofus with a Napoleon complex that feels that one day he will be up the echelons of command and never again have to clap his eyes on the slobbiest entity on the human race David Lister (Craig Charles of Business as Usual, Captain Butler, The Colour of Funny,  Red Dwarf and Doctors) a slacker that never aspired to do well…much of anything other than smoke, eat Indian food and somehow not create flatulence that would cause the entire ship to vacate with or without space suits.   This nitwit gets sent to a stasis chamber (frozen in time but not in space) because he refuses to relinquish a cat that has not been through quarantine.

What do you say, little buddy?

The whole ship is controlled and monitored by the ship’s artificial intelligence Holly (Norman Lovett of Asylum, Red Dwarf, The Criminal, Feedback and The School That Roared) detects an impending radiation surge and attempts to seal the breach before it is too late.  Alas the entire crew is…no more.

Lister wakes from stasis to find Red Dwarf quieter than a tomb full of mimes and no idea what is going on.  Holly explains that massive cadmium radiation obliterated everyone in its path but Lister given he was sealed away and that it has been over 3 million years before he could be released.   Lister has to know come to terms quite possibly that he is the last human being alive.   Holly in his ultimate wisdom to keep Lister sane resurrects Rimmer as a hologram to nag, nitpick and snark at him every turn. 

The two encounter a humanoid that evolved from the domestic housecat.  Three million years of evolution brings us the being they simply call Cat (Danny John Jules of Labyrinth, Maid Marian and Her Merry Men, The Tomorrow People, Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels).  Lister demands they return to Earth and get back on with their lives.  Rimmer is not certain of this endeavor but he is still busy being dead and death does have its perks. 

I had a few comments on this series.  BBC’s budget as always has a bit of a stranglehold making writers to come up with creative gags, clever dialogue and interesting stories which most sitcoms cannot muster.  This particular series incorporates Star Trek, Star Wars, Krull and even Hawk the Slayer references so there is something for most of the nerds out there to enjoy.  From a personal note while I love the series and have every episode I do feel it jumped the laser guided space shark around season 3 but that is just one fellow’s opinion.

Dead and still a twit.

Babylon 5 Movie Week: Babylon 5: Thirdspace

Back again my little space rangers and welcome to a belated Day 2 of Babylon 5 Movie Week.  Due to a slight injury yesterday I was a bit too sore to sit in this seat but I am well enough now to bring you lot some amusement and disturbing story arcs.   So fasten your space belts, prep the safety harness and breach that jumpgate.  This is Babylon 5: Thirdspace.

Thirdspace is crazy ya'll!

Susan Ivanova: Well, the spoilers are starting to circle.

For starters this film takes place in the year of 2261 (after Season 4, Episode 8: The Shadow War) so our heroes have conquered an ancient evil and allow themselves a moment to breathe.  Babylon 5 Star Fury patrols discover an immense artifact in hyperspace (point between normal space and travel faster than light) and the Interplanetary Expeditions Xenoarchaeologist Dr. Elizabeth Trent (Shari Belafonte of Hotel, The Midnight Hour, Beyond Reality, Hey Arnold! And Teacher of Year) to better decipher what it is, what it can do and how best to exploit it.  

Hungry Eeeyessss!!!

Current commander of Babylon 5 Captain John Sheridan (Bruce Boxleitner of Tron, Scarecrow and Mrs. King, Gunsmoke: One Man’s Justice, Free Fall and Tron: Legacy) prepares for the worse and feels this artifact is a great and significant find but we should tread cautiously.  There is wisdom in these words but they atypically fall on deaf ears as human greed and arrogance rears its ugly head in these matters.  I was shocked as well.

   

Using a low level current to get better readings on the artifact the entire station seems to have their dreams influenced and are almost reduced to a vegetated state without proper explanation…or is there?

Dr. Trent comes to the conclusion the artifact is pre-existing Jumpgate before even the ancient Vorlons developed it and it starts drawing power from the station causing energy spikes all over the boards.  Hope tech and sub-repair get time and a half. 

Given all that is known by the Vorlons at this time we are given to revere them as wise, brave and with great compassion for the younger races.  The united races find it almost unprecedented that the Vorlons could ever falter.   The device activates on its own opening a passage to Thirdspace and this invasion force proceeds to lay waste to several cruisers and extracts massive destruction on the station itself.  EarthForce preps a counter attack and give our mysterious aliens on hell of a wingding.  These invaders single seat fighters even have shields so the Star Furies are in for one hell of a tumble.   The artifact itself seems to be disrupting the station but driving every sentient being on it to the brink of crackers.

The Galaxy's cutest couple.

I had just a few points to make on the film at this time.  The elevator seen between Zach Allen and Lyta that felt clunky and unnecessary was actually inserted (oOoOo kinky) to fill up time for the film.  Sci-fi and Sci-Fi Fantasy artist/author Wayne Barlowe designed the appearance of the artifact Thirdspace jumpgate  Not one of the better films due to the story flow feeling a bit interfered via time constraint but effects and performances remained spot on so yes you can have this one in your collection.

Babylon 5 Movie Week: Babylon 5: The Gathering

Hello there readers and welcome to the Babylon 5 Movie Week.  Starting us off with we begin logically at the beginning.   The year is 2257.  Earth has taken to the stars and engaged in battles with other species.  Yes humans just can’t help but be messing with peoples.  To create this complex series of creatures, other worlds and cultures we turn to Babylon 5 creator J. Michael Straczynski (Captain Power: The Beginning, Captain Power and the Soldiers of the Future, The Real Ghost Busters, Jake and the Fatman,Jeremiah, Changeling, Thor, and World War Z) to open our minds to this realm.  So age that spoo, consult the elders and for God’s sake speak nothing of the Grey Council.   This is Babylon 5: The Gathering.

Look out for the credits, Phil!!!

Delenn:  I look forward to meeting a Vorlon.  I’ve heard much about them that is spoiler.

From humans to humanoid to just downright unexplainable lifeforms, the search of intergalactic peace is sought by many.  The place to allow commerce and peace talks are Babylon 5.  A hub in the galaxy allowing issues to be resolved amongst the 5 major space travelers of the known galaxies; humans, Narn, Centauri, Minbari and Vorlons.    It has been a 10 year commission to construct a place that prevents war; this 5 mile long space station is home to 250,000 residents, roughly 100,000 humans and 2,000 EarthForce personnel and including areas for business, living quarters and recreation.

Great, Londo is hammered...again.

Commander Sinclair (Michael O’ Hare of Fly Away Home, C.H.U.D., Into Thin Air, A Case of Deadly Force and Tales from the Darkside) runs this little bailiwick and boy howdy he has his work cut out for him.  Awaiting the final delegate of the Vorlons; Ambassador Kosh arrives 2 days ahead of schedule when he is falls ill in less than a minute of being on the station.   Station chief medical officer Dr. Kyle (Johnny Sekka of Woman of Straw, Khartoum, The Message and Passion Paradise) puts Kosh in quarantine and attempts to prevent his death while Security Chief Michael Garibaldi (Jerry Doyle of The Outsider, Babylon 5, Babylon 5: The River of Souls, Devious Beings and Storm Watch) launches his own investigation into possible poisoning of the ambassador.   The Babylon Council consisting of the 5 major races hold the Commander in contempt and decree his guilt of attempted murder.  Not the best way your first day on the job can go.

A few comments about this movie now if you don’t mind.   With the introduction of CGI just in the wings, accomplished scale models and forced perspective; the visual effects can hold their own but this was a truly ambitious start to an impressive feat of writing as well as storytelling.   Complex characters and various story arcs were getting life breathed into them and frankly it offered a wide range of twists and turns for every adventure.   No two Babylon 5 episodes were the same and that is very difficult to do in a medium like science fiction.  This was only just the beginning of greater things to come.

Flying casually sir.

Babylon 5 Movie Week

Welcome eager young space cadets!!!  This week we will view the phenomenon that was Babylon 5.  Five seasons, seven films, series of novels and comic books this has been deemed one of America's finer science fiction.  I felt almost anyone can critique the seasons so I thought we would tackle the TV movies instead.

So grab your junior spaceman rocket belts and flitter on over to this Babylon 5 Movie Week.

Bit phallic ain't it?

Sci-Fi Week: The Ice Pirates

Hey kids I’m baaaaaack.   And what could be more than searching all of Dune for spice, oh wait that we aren’t watching anything as near as classy as Dune.  Thank God too.  If you are not a Frank Herbert fan you can barely follow the original Dune anyway.  No instead I thought we go with something campy, goofy and entirely too much blue screen.  So grab your vibroblades, hoist the pirate colors and beware of space herpes.   This is The Ice Pirates.

Never bother an alien on the crapper

Spoilers are the source of ultimate power!!!

Well folks starting this off I want to point out this is not meant to be taken serious…at all.  Scifi/Comedy here.  Writer Stanford Sherman (The Man from U.N.C.L.E., Batman, Shalimar, Krull and The Man Who Wasn’t There) and writer/director Stewart Raffill (Across the Great Divide, High Risk, The Sea Gypsies, Mac and Me and Passenger 57) comes a tale in the far away future where the galaxy is apparently drying up.  The main gold mine these days is water. Yes H2O worth more than all the spice the Atreides clan can muster.   Now when pirate is used in a sentence you normally think a scarred, scurvy ridden rapist and pillager.  Well not so much is the case here.   They are outfitted with rapier and cutlass still but it is more blasters and not so much burning down townships or colonies.    

Space models away!!

The film follows the course of Jason (Robert Urich of Magnum Force, Vega$, SWAT, Spenser: For Hire, She Knows Too Much and Lonesome Dove) leader of his nefarious…water thieves and fairly nice guy, his right hand man Roscoe (Michael D. Roberts of Manimal, Double Trouble, Manhunter, Rain Man and The First Family) head technician and primary robot builder, Zeno(Ron Perlman of Beauty and the Beast, Chronos, Enemy at the Gates,  Fallout 3, Blade II, Hellboy and Hellboy II: The Golden Army) the cutthroat, Maida (Anjelica Huston of This Is Spinal Tap, Prizzi’s Honor,  The Dead, The Addams Family, Buffalo Girls and The Perez Family) the swordsmaster…mistress (whatever) and Killjoy (John Matuszak former  Oakland Raiders  defensive end and of Caveman, The Dukes of Hazzard, The Goonies, Command 5 and Hollywood Beat) these ragtag rebels survive by stealing ice from this empiric orders known as the Templars of the planet Mithra. 

Oh god not again.   They’ll rip the hearts out of women’s chests and…oh never mind.  Not the Blind Dead series after all.  Maybe they hail from Middle Earth.  Uh getting back to the film at hand Jason and several of his crew were captured after a botched attempt at an ice run where they are to be castrated, lobotomized and put into indentured servitude.   Seriously folks this cannot be an option over death.  Personally I would be picking fights with Killjoy just so he would snap my neck and that would be it.  Just as it would look the boys are going to get the snip, a one Princess Karina (Mary Crosby of Dallas, Tapeheads, The Legend of Zorro, Queen of the Lot and The M Word) buys the lot of them to find the legendary planet, the 7^th world.  An Earth like planet encompassed in 75% of water.  I thought it had no texture.   Downside is no one truly knows where this planet is and the stories go that in has a time warp jump around it that can significantly age a man or woman to death and if they are off my a fraction of a margin they could be lost in a void forever.

Hmm hot girl in cryogenics...handy.

A few amusing aspects of this film I noticed and wanted to point them out.  During one of the big swordfights I noticed the place they are filming in was the Anheuser-Busch brewery in Van Nuys California.  I went on a tour many moons ago but I swear to you those winding metal staircases are them.   Raiding parties seem to consist of humans and droids.  I presume for heavy lifting or just faster attack speeds but most of the crew’s droids look a bit battered and worn.  Several bits of footage of the movie are clipped from Logan’s Run and Rollerball and Kevin Costner turned down the role of Jason.    It’s crass, politically incorrect and Tylenol still remains in the far, far away future.   Watch this for the pimp bots alone.  Yes droids talking late 70’s jive and pimping girls out.  Damn, I want a pimp bot.

No power in the verse can stop me...

Okay readers I am back again with another TV series that went well before its time but nevertheless receive the love from yours truly.  I need you to sit back in your seat, put your tray tables in their up lock position.  This is Firefly.

Gorrahm spoilers in my space…

Show creator Joss Whedon (Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel, Dollhouse and The Avengers) embarked on a TV quest to make the encompass of both past and future and prep it for the present folk kick back and enjoy.  Firefly was in essence Wagon Train in Space.  Put on the air in 2002 (Yes 10 years ago…ooOoOoO ancient.) The Earth as we knew it grew full of Homo sapiens and we began colonization into other worlds such as terraforming (creating an environment artificially for oxygen and nitrogen atmosphere for human life) and the more “civilized planets or core worlds as they were called are part of a large conglomerate of civic minded citizens called the Alliance.  The planets that had more of a rustic nature, almost a throwback to Steam Age were simple known as Independents. Hard working people that had no desire of joining a universal government that told them how to live their lives instigated a civil war spanning across the universe and all neighboring planets.    After many years of this conflict the Alliance won and the Independents were crushed. 

 Enter a band of thieves and smugglers sneaking contraband on the down low is the crew of the Serenity, firefly class cargo vessel.  Captain Malcolm Reynolds (Nathan FIllion of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Miss Match, Slither, Dr. Horrible’s Sing-along and Castle), First mate Zoe (Gina Torres of Hercules: The Legendary Journeys, Cleopatra 2525, Angel and Suits), gunfighter Jayne Cobb (Adam Baldwin of Independence Day, Stargate SG-1, Angel, The Inside and Chuck), goofy but amazing pilot Hoban ’Wash’ Washburne (Alan Tudyk of A Knight’s Tale, I, Robot, Ice Age, Young Justice and Tucker and Dale vs Evil) and sweet, innocent mechanic Kaylee (Jewel Staite of Flash Forward, Just Deal, Wonderfalls and Stargate Atlantis). Barely escaping Alliance custody with their ill-gotten gains; the crew is underpaid, tired and ship is running on fumes.  The scams, hustles and usual snow jobs pay better than honest cargo hauling but are just as equally risky.  The crew has no option but to pick up passengers that want to see the galaxy for a reasonable fee.

Upon getting new passengers we see a loosely based member of the crew, companion Inara Serra (Morena Baccarin of Justice League Unlimited, Stargate SG-1, V, Homeland and Old Days) a lady of refinement but also of solicitation.   The good but enigmatic Shepherd Book (Ron Glassof Barney Miller, The New Odd Couple, Rhythm & Blues and Teen Angel) Doctor Simon Tam (Sean Maher of Party of Five, The $treet, The Playboy Club and Make It or Break it) has smuggled his brilliant sister, River Tam (Summer Glau of Angel, The 4400, Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, Dollhouse, The Cape and Alphas) away from an Alliance secret project so this just increases the stakes.

Whedon and crew referred to Serenity as the 10^th character of the show and in many ways this massive set fits the bill.  Dirty, rusty and falling apart, this old girl has plenty of charisma but looks like a mild popcorn fart would tear it to shreds.  Yet as a vessel this was really a home for lost souls seeking a sense of belonging and peace.    But out on the rim lurks pirates, slavers and the worse of all, reavers.  Men and women had gone cannibalistic.  So keep a hogleg handy, yer wits about you and you’ll make it through the day.  Oh best part of this storyline is the mixture of American and Chinese culture.  Even if you have the IQ of a nerf herder you can speak Mandarin. 

Critters...yes well...

Okay kids I am back with a series that frankly is a doozy.  So strap yourselves down, put in your mouth guard and going out swinging.  This is Critters Collection. 

Spoilers can save your sanity…

New Line Cinema attempting to branch out Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Ator films with Miles O’ Keefe and Son Chiba’s Street Fighter series. Wes Craven’s pet project, A Nightmare on Elm Street truly breathed life into the company and offered with a series of creature features.    Of these modern day monster films, the Critters franchise is born.   In 1986, Critters was released just after the success rate of Joe Dante’s Gremlins and has been a long standing of dispute on cashing in on its popularity but this reviewer says nay nay.   The focus of the movie is around the creatures themselves, the Crites or Critters if you will.   These carnivorous aliens from outer space resembling hedgehogs with more teeth than the entire Osmond family spread like a plague from planet to planet eating whatever they can.    They live to simply eat, breed and the cycle repeats.  LAND SHARKS!!!!

The standard storyline is the aliens attack a small town in Grover’s Bend Kansas thrashing a farm and of all things they attack Billy Zane (Back To The Future 1, 2 and 3, Demon Knight, The Phantom, Titanic) A duo of these faceless bounty hunters Ug and Lee and yes I did not make those names up have a chameleonic head allowing them to blend into whatever society they are hunting in.  Not to mention enough firepower to take on the Bolivian Army.  A family of four fends off the Crites with fire axes, ball bats and of course the old fashioned double barrel boomstick.  We even have a bumbling sheriff and town rummy.  Town rummy Charlie (Don Keith Opper of Android, City Limits, Critters, Critters 2, Critters 3, Critters 4 and Infection) takes off with the two hunters.  All is said and done from the first film but apparently these space mammals lay eggs. (Suck it Darwin!)  

These eggs of course make our way to Critters 2: The Main Course.   Our bounty hunters are off world popping a giant worm creature when they are given a contract that Crites are still on Earth. Hunter Lee has more face shifting issues and he hasn’t settled on one. Ug (Terrance Mann of Critters, Critters 3, Critters 4 and The Dresden Files) seems content to using a popular rock star’s visage. Lee is ambushed by Crites and killed. Ug and Charlie rally together and throw down with said Crites blowing the lot of them off with their ship.   But…did we get every egg again?  Wah wah waaaaaah.   Off to Topeka Kansas to create Critters 3: You Are What They Eat starring Don Opper and Terrance Mann of the previous films as well as Leonardo DiCaprio’s first movie.   A down trodden building owned by a heartless landlord is under siege by Crites so clearly that is a pest issue.  Charlie (Don Opper) tracks and takes out the Crites but Ug (Terrance Mann) is again nowhere to be found until a holographic message sputters out of a wrist unit and Ug explains Crites are now on the endangered species list. Charlie drops the last remaining Crite eggs into stasis but fell into the pod that was to carry it to this Shadow Consul.

 Now this sad bit of sputum was actually an extended film and not intended to be a continuous beyond this film but New Line Cinema said we will shoot 3 and 4 back to back.  Critters 4: They're Invading Your Space Charlie places the Crite eggs in a stasis unit only to goof up yet again and get trapped into the pod only to have slept for 200 years and rescued by a salvage ship. Yeah cue James Horner music, some pulse rifles and a kick ass Sgt Apone.   The crew decides to claim salvage rights on the pod and receive an update from the Shadow Consul and demand the pod, offer an obscene reward and set coordinates to arrange a meeting.  The space station was in shambles and the Crites are loose, eating and breeding.  Charlie is brought to consciousness and up to speed on the Crites so he springs into action, if action was constituted for bumbling and inept.  With a gun fight with the descendant of Ug and his white clad storm troopers, the Crites eat most of them and the surviving crew blow up the station and flee to safety. 

What is the point you may ask?   Well ambition versus common sense is what occurred.  As this is the way of many storytellings, lack of continuity, re-writes and schedule conflicts can create a jumbled mess and while this is not what I would consider viable entertainment but it is an aspect of my childhood.  Well okay the first one is.  The other three are ideal from extremely dumb movie night...