Morbid Stories

And I'm back my Rotten Readers! Readers of Rotten? Gotta word shop this or fans could give us a better tag. Okay today I have been asked by writer/director/actor Phil Herman (Jacker, Jacker 2, Burglar from Hell, Tales for the Midnight Hour, HorrorTales.666, After Midnight, Into the Woods, Sickened, Tales Till the End, Hell on Earth: Arena of Death and Tales for the Midnight Hour II) invited me to see a five part anthology Horror film. This is Morbid Stories.

Patene: Fight the apocalypse with great hair.

Brought to us by Avail Entertainment, we open with some wide shot of a town resembling New Mexico. Looks like drone shooting, a bit smoother than helicopter is. Some static ridden reports over the radio seems to be pointing catastrophe in the making. A young woman, Candy (Courtney Akbar of Frontlines, NCIS, Parks and Recreation, Smoke Filled Lungs, Astro and Paradise Apartments) is enjoying a warm, sunny day with her Pomeranians. Hey I am a little irked these dogs probably get a better breakfast than I do. Candy now minus her boyfriend is moving out shortly but the house itself seems to have gotten sinister. With electrics and gas seemingly turned off, a car radio announcement confirms something is awry and danger is on the rise.

Witness an apocalyptic end of the world and Candy just finished her last car payment.

Fade to black wipe and a title card telling us New York 15 hours prior. Cut to night shot as we see an injured man with a bite in his throat where he clearly bled out and is doing some tell tale zombie shuffling. Time for some patented Tallahassee Zombieland door smacks. Of course the guy could have had a rabid squirrel bite him and he twisted his ankle. From a Satanist POV, he's destined to be worm food.

Dammit, Kool-Aid man is drunk again.

Over to a snoozing couple as the hours of the night tick tock away. Love that the ill-fated Carnival of Souls is playing on their flat screen in the bedroom. With rapping at their house's windows, the Singers Helen (Crystal Loverro of Guardian Devil, Success, Morbid Stories and Scars of Ancient Futures) and Jamie (Shane Smith of Morbid Stories) grab a deterrent (ballbat) and go investigate the mystery of who the hell is knocking at the door at this hour. A refugee from a 90s metal band?

Who is this long haired stranger (Tim O' Hearn of Dry Bones, The Legend of Six Fingers, Killer Rack, The Dummy 2, Death House, Blood Prism and Johnny Gruesome) decked out all in black complete with leather trenchcoat? He claims he and several of his friends were in an accident up the road and need to use the phone for fire and emergency to come to their aid. Jamie reluctant but eventually gives in to assist. He seems weirded out by these folk and who can blame him? They demand to be invited in. Things aren't what they appear to be and Jamie is still considerate enough to let them in the house. Now being paranoid as I am, I think that jug of holy water and my crucifix would been out about that time or at the very least a shotgun leveled at taking a head off.

In a word, badass. Helen is hell on wheels. Considering her newfound enemies are Nosferatu or Nesuferitu if you prefer.

Now unlike typical anthologies, this is edited a bit differently. It would appear Candy's story is the main one and the others are happening as the day and night progresses. I saw something simple with Tales from the Darkside and Two Evil Eyes.

NOM NOM NOM!!!

24 hours prior in California: a Japanese family are simply being a family. The kids are playing in the dirt and gravel and eldest sister Mallory (Ashley Mei of I Am a Knife with Legs, Tango Europa, Astro, Morbid Stories and Clown Fear) has her hands full with sisters Olivia (Emma Koiso of Clown Fear and Morbid Stories), Ava (Kelly Koiso of Clown Fear and Morbid Stories), Aiden (Lucas Koiso of Morbid Stories) and Jayden (Marcus Koiso of Morbid Stories).

Obsessed with the selfies, vlogging and her friends, she isn't bad at the babysitting but she could be better. Pizza ordered instead of making them a meal? Deducting points already. Friends James (Austyn Reale of Morbid Stories) and Lola (Jocelyne Daugherty of Morbide Stories) are frittering away their afternoon with an Oujia board to contact spirits. Because that never goes wrong in a horror movie...ever. James has attitude and is crashing at a buddy's house. Angsty teen boy issues. Probably body hair, his voice cracking and various body odors no doubt. Oh and he's sweet on Mallory. That much is obvious. Due to the negative vibes given out, an entity proceeds to raise a little Hell for our younglings. Something gets into Lola so you better lop off more than her wrist or maybe an exorcist. You got that on speed dial right, Mallory?

Candy is a responsible doggy mom as she is loading them up with little sips of water. Y'know instead of a big bowl of it, spilling all over the back of the car and making a mess. Exposition radio station is warning her of incoming zombies? Very Zombi 3. Without Radio DJ Fresh Zombi kicking the airwaves with some 70s funk of course.

Meanwhile in Delaware, a published novelist/teacher is correcting writing errors on his works. Yeah just truckloads of run-on sentences and those dreaded dangling participles. The Horror of it all!!! Improper grammar aside, Robert Zirn (Will Devokees of Macabre Medicine, Agent Emes 8: Agent Emes and the Shavous Trial, The League of Science, The Perils of Posting and Morbid Stories) has the expression of a man burned out. Trying to bash his new novel out, the house he's staying at doesn't promote the warmest atmosphere. Hell it's just missing a cannibalistic family with a homemade human chili fetish and I can see it getting great YELP reviews.

Being isolated from everything and anything, Robert is trying to make the new book work, if his paranoia or random creepy sounds would stop happening. His assistant assures him this was the best place for him because there isn't anything else available 50 miles in any direction. Here's hoping he doesn't find a book bound in human flesh and inked in human blood. After all, such a book was never meant for the land of the living. The pitter patter of feet on the roof is disturbing. Caretaker Don (Ryan W. Phillips of Macabre Medicine and Morbid Stories) drops by to hear Zirn kinda whine and bitch. This guy's helping you out, dude. Little more gratitude, man. That being said, Don may need a good smack. No cable no beer makes Zirn something something.

The house has been making odd noises during a thunderstorm. Could be the wind or a mess of Chupacabras. Who can say? 

 Don gives a cryptic warning to not go in the attic. My first thought? Mom's chained and gagged up in that attic. Fate is playing silly buggers with Zirn and clearly he has had a few things on his mind. Nightmares are hounding him or are they nightmares? Again foot steps sounding like it's coming from the attic. Scooby gang of one decides he's gonna see what is a-goin' on there.

Reports of zombies and vampires roaming about. Lock your doors, bolt your windows and pray to your deity of choice.

Cut to arty pale goth girl attempting a rare steak and well it didn't go down well or even at all. Instead of food, she simply has an injection of dubious fluid or liquid. Guess she has a taste for the crimson stuff in our veins. Methinks she is a fledgling to go all Radu there. Armageddon is well into swing as more vampire and zombies seem to be attacking one another. Just a vampire girl living or nonliving in this lonely world. I loved the incidental humor, excellent camera work and the credited acting. This felt like a bizarre rom com.

Is Candy crushing the apocalypse? Will Angel get his soul? How many more pop culture references can I do?

Just in time for Halloween, our movie has been released already to Amazon as of October 22^nd. What we have is five talented stories being told injunction with the main story. The world as we know is gone and these are the final tales to be told. Another example of indie directors managing a good, solid story on a minor budget. Just seeing this you want to give them a huge budget and watch for the wonder to unfold. 

OMG! the apocalypse took my bars!

Critters...yes well...

Okay kids I am back with a series that frankly is a doozy.  So strap yourselves down, put in your mouth guard and going out swinging.  This is Critters Collection. 

Spoilers can save your sanity…

New Line Cinema attempting to branch out Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Ator films with Miles O’ Keefe and Son Chiba’s Street Fighter series. Wes Craven’s pet project, A Nightmare on Elm Street truly breathed life into the company and offered with a series of creature features.    Of these modern day monster films, the Critters franchise is born.   In 1986, Critters was released just after the success rate of Joe Dante’s Gremlins and has been a long standing of dispute on cashing in on its popularity but this reviewer says nay nay.   The focus of the movie is around the creatures themselves, the Crites or Critters if you will.   These carnivorous aliens from outer space resembling hedgehogs with more teeth than the entire Osmond family spread like a plague from planet to planet eating whatever they can.    They live to simply eat, breed and the cycle repeats.  LAND SHARKS!!!!

The standard storyline is the aliens attack a small town in Grover’s Bend Kansas thrashing a farm and of all things they attack Billy Zane (Back To The Future 1, 2 and 3, Demon Knight, The Phantom, Titanic) A duo of these faceless bounty hunters Ug and Lee and yes I did not make those names up have a chameleonic head allowing them to blend into whatever society they are hunting in.  Not to mention enough firepower to take on the Bolivian Army.  A family of four fends off the Crites with fire axes, ball bats and of course the old fashioned double barrel boomstick.  We even have a bumbling sheriff and town rummy.  Town rummy Charlie (Don Keith Opper of Android, City Limits, Critters, Critters 2, Critters 3, Critters 4 and Infection) takes off with the two hunters.  All is said and done from the first film but apparently these space mammals lay eggs. (Suck it Darwin!)  

These eggs of course make our way to Critters 2: The Main Course.   Our bounty hunters are off world popping a giant worm creature when they are given a contract that Crites are still on Earth. Hunter Lee has more face shifting issues and he hasn’t settled on one. Ug (Terrance Mann of Critters, Critters 3, Critters 4 and The Dresden Files) seems content to using a popular rock star’s visage. Lee is ambushed by Crites and killed. Ug and Charlie rally together and throw down with said Crites blowing the lot of them off with their ship.   But…did we get every egg again?  Wah wah waaaaaah.   Off to Topeka Kansas to create Critters 3: You Are What They Eat starring Don Opper and Terrance Mann of the previous films as well as Leonardo DiCaprio’s first movie.   A down trodden building owned by a heartless landlord is under siege by Crites so clearly that is a pest issue.  Charlie (Don Opper) tracks and takes out the Crites but Ug (Terrance Mann) is again nowhere to be found until a holographic message sputters out of a wrist unit and Ug explains Crites are now on the endangered species list. Charlie drops the last remaining Crite eggs into stasis but fell into the pod that was to carry it to this Shadow Consul.

 Now this sad bit of sputum was actually an extended film and not intended to be a continuous beyond this film but New Line Cinema said we will shoot 3 and 4 back to back.  Critters 4: They're Invading Your Space Charlie places the Crite eggs in a stasis unit only to goof up yet again and get trapped into the pod only to have slept for 200 years and rescued by a salvage ship. Yeah cue James Horner music, some pulse rifles and a kick ass Sgt Apone.   The crew decides to claim salvage rights on the pod and receive an update from the Shadow Consul and demand the pod, offer an obscene reward and set coordinates to arrange a meeting.  The space station was in shambles and the Crites are loose, eating and breeding.  Charlie is brought to consciousness and up to speed on the Crites so he springs into action, if action was constituted for bumbling and inept.  With a gun fight with the descendant of Ug and his white clad storm troopers, the Crites eat most of them and the surviving crew blow up the station and flee to safety. 

What is the point you may ask?   Well ambition versus common sense is what occurred.  As this is the way of many storytellings, lack of continuity, re-writes and schedule conflicts can create a jumbled mess and while this is not what I would consider viable entertainment but it is an aspect of my childhood.  Well okay the first one is.  The other three are ideal from extremely dumb movie night...

Pan's Labyrinth...wow

Hello all… we are at the climax, the cusp of Guillermo del Toro week and what better film to end on then a tailored fairy tale.  So get comfy in your seats, grab a beverage and imagine.  This is Pan’s Labyrinth.

Spoilers can be magical…

Guillermo del Toro’s creation describes a fascist Spain of the year 1944.  The story is once again told through the eyes of a young child.  Ofelia (Ivan Baquero ofRomasanta: The Werewolf Hunt, The Anarchist’s Wife, The New Daughter and The Red Virgin) and her pregnant mother Carmen (Arianda Gil of The Age of Beauty, Nuts for Love and Soldiers of Salmina) must journey to the North and Carmen is wed to Captain Vidal (Sergi Lopez of An Affair of Love, With a Friend Like Harry and Dirty Pretty Things), a ruthless dictator that delights himself with torturing rebels.   And you thought your step-dad was kooky.   Ofelia, her head in the cloud realms of dreams and myth does not want to take this monster of a man as her new father, her part-time nanny Mercedes (Maribel Verdu ofCanguros, Y Tu Mama Tambien, The Blind Sunflowers and The Red Virgin) tells Ofelia of a magical garden that she may explore to her heart’s content.   Ofelia roams the garden only to discover a massive maze, a labyrinth if you will and encounters Pan (del Toro regular Doug Jones of Hellboy, The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari, Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer, The Wager and Fallout: Nuka Break), a faun guarding the labyrinth.   He identifies Ofelia as the long last Princess Moanna and tells her of three sacred tasks she must perform before the next full moon to reign for all eternity in the Underworld.  With these tasks complete she will escape the holy hell that is her life.

Now while this sounds like your typical Disney movie tripe, let us be clear on our director.  With a man that combines macabre, humor, fantasy and harsh reality for his films, so we are in for a bumpy ride.   Ofelia is operating on her limited logic and emotional plight.  With her country struggling to rebuild and the post-war angst, to her mother suffering from a complicated pregnancy and her tyrant of a stepfather, it is not difficult to see why she would want to escape this madness in this realm, but what of the other?     I was asked recently if this is a family film and I have to be honest, I really do not know.  The film is terrifying in parts of the sheer brutality of humans tormenting one another; to the emotional rollercoaster of the world but any many ways for me I had the same response to the Devil’s Backbone too.   If anything it shows the audience that not all tales of history and fantasy are mad dash excitement and good triumphs over evil every time.  It gives perspective but at the same time it may fall under more enjoyment for the horror fans.  This film offers a dark gothic tale of cruelty in either realm of dream or consciousness so it is really up to the parents to show this one to the kiddies.   The visuals alone will blow you out of your seat.  Del Toro’s patented panoramic cinematography and melodious pacing of storytelling is what truly makes this mystifying and ominous tale the very life it needed.    Be warned Parental Units, this film has a whole lot of bleak.

Fallout: Nostalgia and Post Apocalyptic

First off this game is approximately 15 years old at this time what with being produced in 1997 by Interplay.  A post-apocalyptic role playing game that is turn based similar to a table top RPG by Steve Jackson Games called GURPS. 

The world as we know it was destroyed due to atomic fallout during the year 2077.  Most technology is derived by this timeline hails from the conception of the 1950’s.  You will also find that most of the science-fiction tech from movies and pulp comics and magazines are an influence as well.

 Your character is a vault dweller.  This means you have spent the better portion of your life underground in a fallout shelter that was contracted by the government.  Your task is to replace a water chip to replenish your water recycling and main plumbing or everyone you know will die of thirst.   So you will trek out into the unknown and encounter inhabitants of this wasteland that was once the world.   You are the vault’s last hope.   You and you alone will decide the fate of dozens of lives depending on you.

 As you progress throughout the game your skills will increase as you level up.  The lands have mutated into vast deserts and remains of once proud cities. You will see items, landmarks and vehicles that you will recall from your data tapes.  Your PIP boy 2000 is a device that will map your locations, describe artifacts that you pick up or examine and keep track of each task or furthering plot to each new town you happen to.

 The mass radiation has caused simple creatures of the past to grow in size and making it more deadly than before the Great War.  Rats and scorpions as your history stated are now twice if not ten times the size of their predecessors.

  Bartering and conversation will be a must in order to collect more data about the world around you.  Townsfolk are leery of strangers but in general of good spirits to newcomers.  It boils down to proving if you are the sort that can be trusted.  Because the citizens of each town are comprised of farmers, cattle ranchers and laborers so you will seem out of place so they will be naturally confused and cautious.  Main characters in each town will be voiced by many esteem actors and actresses. (CCH Pounder, Richard Dean Anderson, Clancy Brown and Keith David ) to name a few.   As always the narrator is voiced by Ron Perlman  Again, it is vital that you talk to as many people as are willing to talk to you.   Random encounters will raise an eyebrow or two depending on each thing, man, woman or monster so keep your wits about you and your weapon of choice handy.  To survive in this world means to take a life to keep yours.

Black & White: Good or Evil?

Now normally when I give a review about a game I am weighing the pros and cons of it but with Black & White it is damn near impossible to bad mouth it. Lionhead Studios released Black & White in 2001.  Published by Electronic Arts for both Windows and Mac, this game got instant raves allowing you to be either a savior or a devil. Due to its popularity, a expansion came out, followed by its sequel Black & White2.   The tutorial (unfortunately you cannot skip through that) starts as soon as you are brought into this world as a new deity. No sooner do you rescue a child from ravenous sharks; the villagers wish to worship and praise your name. You are then greeted by your collective conscience of evil and good or black and white if you will. Both will offer advice to situations as each new problem or crisis is put before you. Each task can be handled with benevolence or malice. The choice is yours. I feel you cannot properly understand a game until you have explored all the angles and opportunities that both good and evil provide so without further adieu here are the highlights to good.

Good: You are the toast of the town and the answer to all prayers. As a good deity you will find worshippers come quickly to prayer. As this is your flock you must watch and tend to them. Assign them work and life. Creating disciples is a snap. The options are builder, breeder, farmer, fisherman or woodsman. Your disciples will continue this line of work that you saw them fit to do until the day they die. This includes breeders, so if you do not want a population increase to epic level, be a bit choosy as to how many breeders you possess, because they are like rabbits.

Part of being a loving god is to take all the problems in your stride and assist them as best as you can. Aiding you in these endeavors will be a pet you can nurture with love and understanding. Providing compassion to this creature is not only kind but a must in the game. Teach it to respect the people and land to create a better harmony for all. With each problem correctly taken care of, a reward is assured and happier worshippers are bountiful. Bear in mind that you will not make them happy 100% of the time. You can only do the tasks, provide miracles to astound and bewilder them and in general and guard them from harm from evil deities. While some might view this as a thankless task, yours is a higher calling to the children you wish to strive in your land.

Evil: Corrupter of youth and destroyer of men, yours is a task behold to the pathetic mortals that dare ask for favors. Constantly underfoot and demanding, these mortals attempt to take up your precious time with requests of benevolence of which you have none. You strive to obtain powers and wreak havoc across the land leaving these frightened simpletons cowering in their little, hopeless lives awaiting to be the next sacrifice to your awesome might. When one of their neighbors goes to the altar for blood sacrifice, they should be down on their knees praising you for not ending them.

Fear is an excellent motivator and provides more worship in your name. Their children will learn to abide by your rules or be fed to the fiendish creature you command with a ruthless iron fist. You will revel in delight as your creature hurls lightning and fireballs from sheer boredom or just in general malice. Cackle from high above at the wanton destruction in your name. Oh it is good to be the god.

The story is in your hands. Do what you will and enjoy.