Old Vs New Week: Assault on Precinct 13

Hello all and welcome to Old Vs New Week and we start off with a John Carpenter classic and its remake.  Both films have bloody intros and dive right into their stories and while both have diverse concepts the films are more or less the same thing.  So board up the windows, douse the lights and conserve your ammo.   This is Assault on Precinct 13.

Now who the hell payin' for that window?!

Officer, Detroit is a tough town...honest.

Spoilers all around us, man! There is no escaping it!

Our story opens with a sting takes out a series of gang members in a bloody gunfire. Cannot even imagine how many shots fired forms they were filling out.  The surviving gang members swear in blood oath that vengeance will happen.  Lieutenant Ethan Bishop (Austin Stoker of Battle for the Planet of the Apes, Horror High, ‘Sheba, Baby ‘, Roots and Machete Joe) a recently promoted officer is scheduled to Precinct 13. A station being torn down, paperwork and supplies shipped to its future location.  While this is not the best gig, it is Bishop’s first assignment as a Lieutenant and he will see it through.

Meanwhile in Los Cruzes, a notorious criminal named Napoleon Wilson (Darwin Joston of Eraserhead, The Fog, Coast to Coast, Time Walker and Airwolf) is being transported in a bus on his way to death row by Starker (Charles Cyphers of Halloween, Halloween II, Escape from New York, The Fog and Grizzly II: The Concert)

Back at the precinct, Bishop meets the remaining staff, desk sergeant  Grumpy McStereotype, filing clerk Leigh (Laurie Zimmer of American Raspberry, A Dirty Story and Survival of Dana) and dispatch operator Julie (Nancy Kyes of Halloween, Halloween II, The Fog, Halloween III, Not in Front of the Children and Lady Boss)

One of the inmates on the bus is violently ill and the only station in route is Precinct 13, with that the bus pulls in assessing the situation and hope they can lay aid to the sick man.  Blocks away a father takes his daughter with him in order to scoop up and move her nanny (Oh Mr. Sheffield) in with them.  Driving a high end Cadillac in South Central L.A. under the influence of being a dumb white guy this could get a bit dicey.

No, don't help me find the phone book. just gaze at the girl.

A shoot out later the father makes his way to Precinct 13 to safety but the combined forces of the gang follow him with their ill-gotten gains from a heist of the National Guard Armory depot, they have enough firepower to level six maybe seven city blocks.  Equipped with silencers, the lack of neighbors in the rundown area and barely any public safety of any sorts the members of the precinct, two prisoners and the remaining transport troops have to hold off this mass army of lunatics until help arrives.  

The dialogue gives the feel of a B-movie and this is Carpenter’s second film after Dark Star in 1974. Fewer dolly tracked shots and more hand held you really had to feel for those poor cameramen breaking their backs.  Given its fairly violent nature and penchant for shock and awe, this movie does invoke fear and dread for the decent folk trying to live through the night and almost seething hatred for the gang members.  In my humble opinion a gem that gets overlooked.

I...(gasp)...hate...vanilla...

Enter our remake with its bluster opening with a drug buy conducting by Jake Roenick (Ethan Hawke of Dead Poets Society, Floundering, Before Sunrise, Gattaca, Great Expectations, The Newton Boys and Training Day), an undercover cop that gets found out, his bust goes pear shaped and he loses a team member because it.  Now months later he is addicted to pain killers, a damaged knee and a crap duty to watch the transfer of a precinct to another.  He has been assigned to watch over a few scumbags on New Year’s Eve.  They will have no direct communications beyond radio frequency and offloading paperwork and evidence locker. His subordinate Sgt. Jasper O’Shea (Brian Dennehy of First Blood, Silverado, F/X, Legal Eagles, Best Seller, Seven Minutes, The Last of the Finest and F/X2) are busy grumbling at the crackhead Beck (John Leguizamo of Romeo + Juliet, Spawn, Moulin Rouge!, Ice Age and Chronicles ) gang bangers Anna (Aisha Hinds of Neo Ned, Invasion, Madea Goes to Jail, Dollhouse and True Blood)  Smiley (Ja Rule of Rush Hour, Next Friday, The Fast and the Furious and Fish Tank) and the crème de crème of villainy, mastermind criminal Martin Bishop (Laurence Fishburne of Apocalypse Now, The Cotton Club, The Color Purple, Cherry 2000, Boyz n the Hood, Bad Company and The Matrix) 

Get a haircut baby face!

Before the evening even gets started, the precinct is under siege by a collection of corrupt cops, blocking radio signals and exits. Led by Captain Marcus Duvall (Gabriel Byrne of Miller’s Crossing, Shipwrecked, Point of No Return, The Usual Suspects, Pirates, The Man in the Iron Mask and End of Days) demanding Bishop turned over to them.  Roenick gathers his staff and the crooks to save each other they need to fight back until help comes or they can escape.

Now the complaints of this movie are there is just too much.  Too much backstory, too many characters and dear God some are just over the top to the likes that would rival Doctor Doom in melodrama.  A lot of hand held work that cause really quick cuts and jumpy edits which could cause any photophobic to be wildly sick viewing it.  More explosions than an 80’s Schwarzenegger film and honestly it is a darker movie than the original.  To quote TV’s Frank, “I thought it had no texture.”   I think the main complaint I have is this really is the first time I get to see Fishburne as a sinister bastard and he didn’t get to do nearly enough other than the ritualistic tough guy talk and a bit of gun play.   At the end of the day while the remake wasn’t bad it just was way too much for one film.    Both films feel like a hybrid of Rio Bravo and Night of the Living Dead but I feel Carpenter’s has a better feel for it.

Before They Were Stars: Ruthless People

Hey there boys and girls!  Back again with another series of films to bash or bask in and one film truly come to mind in 1986.  With all the Brat Pack associated, touchy feely films of this time showing us teenage to mid 20’s angst, a movie by Airplanes’ Jim Abrahams stood out.  With an amazing collective cast, wild story arcs and in general bizarre looks into the varied human psyche; this would also be Bill Pullman’s first feature length movie.   So drop your tuckus in that chair, have some bon bons and maybe a refreshing New Coke.   This is Ruthless People.

Spoilers strike without provocation….

Director Jim Abrahams (Police Squad, Airplane, Top Secret, Hot Shots and Jane Austen’s Mafia) and writer Dale Launer (Blind Date, Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, My Cousin Vinny and Love Potion No. 9) team up to modernize short story novelist’s O’ Henry’s “The Ransom of the Red Chief” into a warped, fun romantic comedy drama.  

The story is thus: Sam Stone (Danny DeVito of Taxi, Romancing the Stone, Head Office, Batman Returns, Tin Men, Other People’s Money and L.A. Confidential) is a ruthless slimeball clothing manufacturer whose business is afloat in a soft market of clothing design is hell bent to do in his heiress wife Barbara (Bette Midler of The Thorn, Divine Madness, Bette Midler: Art or Bust, Outrageous Fortune, Beaches, Stella, For The Boys, Get Shorty, The First Wives Club and What Women Want) and claim the wealth entitled to his wife as the grieving husband.   Sam schemes, plots and preps for the event all the while he relays his plans to his buxom mistress Carol (Anita Morris of Maria’s Lovers, A Masterpiece of Murder, Blue City, 18 Again! and Bloodhounds of Broadway) fooling around with her in her bed.   Unbeknownst to Sam, Carol and her bumbling, inept boyfriend Earl (Bill Pullman of Spaceballs, The Serpent and the Rainbow, The Accidental Tourist, Going Under, Independence Day, Lake Placid) plan to tape the murder and blackmail Sam and then it is off to Haiti.   Tahiti Carol corrects.  Oh..I knew that.  

Fate plays as strange hand as neither party gets what they want when Sam gets a call from a unanimous person who claims to have kidnapped Barbara and for the sum of 500,000 US he can have her back.  No cops’ involvement, he has a deadline and if all demands are not met Sam will find his wife in the morgue.   

Joy and rapture fills Sam’s heart that soon his wife will be out of the picture and his hands will be clean of it all.  Barbara’s evil abductors are two middle class people struggling to make ends meet after Sam had screwed them on a deal prior.  Ken Kesseler (Judge Reinhold of Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Gremlins, Beverly Hills Cop, Beverly Hills Cop II, Zandalee, and Baby on Board) is a stereo salesman and his wife Sandy (Helen Slater of Supergirl, The Secret of My Succe$s, City Slickers, The Steal, and No Way Back) is a gifted designer whose creations Sam nicked given they had no proper license to them and is using them as his own.  These are the type of people that cannot cheat on their taxes, have to pay a parking ticket and simply could not conceive the notion of wrong doing and yet arrive at this slippery slope.

Here are a few quick notes on the film.  The style of cinematography is phenomenal as it is director Jan de Bont (Die Hard, Black Rain, Lethal Weapon 3,  The Hunt for Red October) for car chase scenes and fight scenes, the lighting is exquisite and double entendre is the name of the dialogue.  The humor can be a bit low brow but it is displayed well in the disgust of the cops, the endless griping of Sam and the easy corruption of innocence.  To this day I cannot say who had the best lines.  Between DeVito’s rants, Midler’s foul comments and Reinhold just being decent, it is a gem I would highly recommend.  Pullman is an absolute doofus/gigolo and his scenes are to die for.

Ridley Scott Week: The Duellists

Our Ridley Scott week continues on with of all things a time period piece.  Yeah talk about out of his realm.  That alone should be worth the view am I right?  Get yourself some popcorn and a soft drink and let’s settle down.  This is The Duellists.

Engarde spoilers!!

Director Ridley Scott is better known for science fiction or action based films this really was a rare treat for him to tackle a foreign war tale of notoriety by novelist and script writer Joseph Conrad (Sabotage, Victory, Outcast of the Islands, Face to Face, The Secret Agent and Apocalypse Now) scrolls the story during the Napoleonic Age, this feature length film was Ridley Scott’s first movie he helmed.

This film feels influenced by Stanley Kubrick’s Barry Lyndon in both style and cinematography brings a tale of hatred, angst and jealousy through a war torn time.   Based on the short story The Duel ; the story opens in Strasbourg in 1800 with Lieutenant Gabriel Feraud of the 7^th Hussars (Harvey Keitel of Reservoir Dogs, Dusk ‘Til Dawn, Pulp Fiction, Bad Lieutenant, Thelma & Louise, The Piano, Red Dragon and National Treasure) , an obsessed duelist nearly kills a nephew of the city’s mayor in a duel.  Getting squeezed politically by the mayor, Brigadier-General Treillard  (Robert Stephens of Romeo and Juliet, The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie, The Private Life of Sherlock Holmes and Empire of the Sun) sends Lieutenant Armand d’Hubert of the 3^rd Hussars (Keith Carradine ofNashville, Southern Comfort, 2 Days in the Valley, Dead Man’s Walk, Wild Bill, Deadwood and Dexter) to put him under house arrest pending charges. 

The arrest of course took place at the house of a very prominent local lady and Feraud took this as an insult from d’Hubert and challenges him to a duel.   d’ Hubert manages to render him unconscious.  The war rages on around the men’s quarrel and they don’t encounter each other for six months in Augsburg,  Feraud  demands another duel of d’Hubert and wounds him severely.   Feraud recovers and takes lesson from a true swords master, making their next duel exhausting and a draw.   d’Hubert takes comfort in being promoted to Captain and thus forbidding him engage in further duels with an officer of different ranks.    1806 we see that d’Hubert two weeks from promotion to major when he once again encounters Feraud and the duel is now on horseback as each executes blades drawn exquisitely.

What makes this film so fascinating is this point of struggle during the Hundred Days war, the defeat at Waterloo and marking the 30 Years war as nothing more than background.  It shows how the country is suffering and you almost feel the absurdity of the obsessive need for dueling during a time when there should be unification.  It was a clever backdrop and truly captures the time and essence of this piece and I feel it was beautifully executed.   This is but the beginning for our humble director and I feel makes up for Prometheus.

Werewolf Week: Never Cry Werewolf

Evening boys and girls!!  Say what could I possibly been watching tonight that would scar the psyche of the average movie viewer?  I give you a few hints:  It feels almost shot for shot the original Fright Night, has animatronics and prosthetic effects less believable than Harry and the Hendersons and just might being something Kevin Sorbo wants to scrub off his IMDB listings??   Well gather up nice and snug, maybe have a flashlight and a forbidden lore book.  This is Never Cry Werewolf.

Spoilers may come with extra cheese toppings!!!

Cinematographer/ TV series director Brenton Spencer (21 Jump Street, Street Justice, Blown Away, First Wave, Dead Man’s Gun, Night Man and Stargate: Atlantis) combines his powers with writer John Sheppard (Armour of God, Mark of Cain, Higher Education, MacGyver, MacGyver: Lost Treasure of Atlantis and Robocop TV Series)and form Captaaaaaain PLANETTTTT!!!!  Well actually they create this slightly abysmal TV Movie for the SyFy Channel.   Brought to you from the terrifying burbs of Ontario Canada, comes a story of a new neighbor, inexplicable fog and dogs barking to the level that Johnny will go get his gun if they do not hush.  Kyle (Spencer Van Wyck of Knights of the South Bronx, Victor, The Lesser Blessed and Degrassi: The Next Generation) and big sister Loren (Nina Dobrev of Repo! The Genetic Opera, How She Move, Fugitive Pieces, The American Mall and The Vampire Diaries) notice an eerie fog blanketing the street.  Not so much the neighborhood with at least 5 or 6 fog bank machines but probably a portable back pack job.  Sorry broke the 4^th wall there.  The neighborhood dogs including the family pet are alert and scared.  What could ever be coming to town?  Oh also on this block apparently is a registered sex offender.  Boy doesn’t that sound like the area to raise your kids?  Alright perhaps abysmal is a bit harsh.  Less than satisfying TV movie but about what you would expect from the likes of SyFy.  

New to the area Jared (Peter Stebbings of K-19: The Widowmaker, Stargate SG-1, Jeremiah, Rabbit Fall, Cra$h & Burn and Murdoch Mysteries) is keeping to himself attempting to repair and rebuild his new home.  Everyone on the block as well as the town seems enamored by Jared except Loren who now spies on him.  Her gut instinct says something is off and witnesses Jared shape shift and murder a random girl in his home.  Or did she? 

With her Charlie Brewster senses tingling Loren asks her buddy Steve (Sean O’Neil of Common Ground, Prom Queen: The Marc Hall Story, Queer as Folk and Baby Blues) who is offbeat, bizarre and in no way, shape or form Evil Ed archetype for advice on dealing with Jared.   Enter Redd Tucker (Kevin Sorbo of Hercules: The Legendary Journeys, Kull the Conqueror, Andromeda, The O.C. and Avenging Angel)  a washed-up, has been TV hunting show host who of course is actually just a paltry actor at best attempting to salvage his career so yes he does get the Peter Vincent feel.  After Jared’s German Sheppard/Hellhound morphs and goes bat shit in the local hunting store, Loren drops this sick pup and he dissolves when nailed with silver.  

  Jared becomes obsessed with Loren and Loren begs and pleads for Redd’s assistance in killing Jared.   Redd comes clean on being just an actor and less manly than Marlin Perkins.   So the showdown commences as Loren rousts the silverware for arrowheads and makes her way to the lair of the beast.    Boy that explanation made this sound fairly good didn’t it.   Lot of handheld, some dolly and clearly the upper staircase shots someone had a death grip on the cameraman.  Granted we are free of most CGI minus bad temped pooch.  Old school rubber furry suit and animatronic head.  Certainly not the worst thing Sorbo has done and frankly he looked like he was enjoying the sheer silliness of it.   Hardcore werewolf fans may want to skip away from this title.

SyFy Monster Movie Week: Mega Python vs Gatoroid

Howdy folks I am back with yet another mindless violence ensuing creation of SyFy.  From catfights instigating from the malls of the 80's to saving the Everglades Debbie Gibson and Tiffany star in what can be described as less than terrifying creation that will be coated in more cheese than a tuna melt.  So sit back, take yer shoes off and sit a spell.  This is Mega Python vs Gatoroid.

Spoilers on roids!!!!




Former mallrats, pop singers to modern day actresses Debbie Gibson and Tiffany join up with SyFy Channel to create this festering turd of a movie of epic cheesiness.  Animal activist Dr. Nikki Riley(Gibson) broke into what I swear is the same fricking compound from Komodo vs Cobra and Dinocroc vs Supergator to release these series of CGI pythons and release them into the wild of the glades.  Unbeknownst to her, the pythons are killing off the local gator population and Dr. Terry O' Hara (Tiffany) retaliates with injecting hyper-steroids into chickens for the gators and inducing a massive increase in population.   These two ladies have more issues than Marvel and DC Comics could muster in 75 years.  While Riley stages protests and demonstrations, O'Hara is trying to keep hunters at bay, muster support for the cause of saving reptiles and manage to be a Spring bride ready for the aisle her hands are full.

 So whilst the two aging popstars embark in a continuous cat fight of ridiculous porportions the reptiles are massing and prepping to fight one another and planning to munch down on anyone associated in this conservation ball hosted by Mickey Dolenz of the Monkees to better spend money of a standing we as humans should have been doing anyway.   Yes, that's right; Mickey Dolenz of the Monkees.   Nothing but the finest for my readers.

Not unlike the Tremors quadilogy, this insanity proves to borderline on the absurd at the mass of height of 50 feet and have to be the width of a Winnebago the Pythons are tearing ass all over "Florida" i.e. California trashing helicopters, car dealer lots and gas stations.  Thankfully most of the populous is nowhere near this region.   Well the people that matter anyway.  Redneck of the region demand to go on a snake hunt and start blasting away in every direction that a snake isn't and guzzles more beer than a Fourth of July party.  As our heroes encounter Dr. Diego Ortiz (A. Martinez of BJ and the Bear, Remington Steele, L.A. Law and Profiler) tries desperately to warn O' Hara the inherent dangers to the ecology as both gators and pythons wreak merry merry havoc on the party goers as they flee to safety.  The lot must release a series of pheromones to attract said creatures to the "Glades"...that is clearly shot outside of L.A.     Yeah I am not kidding a lot of the shots are on the I-9.  For the California fans they will immediately realize they are not shooting in the glades.  My own father had the best chuckle watching the folks driving for their life.  The CGI and green screen is laughable, the handheld looks like they were handed off to Uwe Boll's epileptic camera crew and frankly do not go looking for stellar acting in this lot because you will be gravely disappointed.  

At best this follows the standing on cheesy movie night and go no further.  A pedestal it shall not climb. 

Manticore...Hey isn't that Chakotay?

Back again kiddies and boy do I have moving pictures magic for you.    It’s got excitement, drama and really wild things.  Actually it has Chakotay leading an Army unit against a CGI monster but hey that could be wild….so grab a movie machine gun, load it with infinite ammo and brush up on your Greek mythology.  This is Manticore.

THERE WILL BE SPOILERS PEOPLE

UFO Pictures strikes again with another monster film at the ready thanks to Writer (John Werner of Pumpkinhead: Ashes to Ashes, Witchville and Rudy Blue) confabbed with Director (Tripp Reed of Walking Tall: The Payback and Walking Tall: Lone Justice) and if you cannot trust the writing for the third installment of Pumpkinhead, well what in life can you trust?

Two thieves decide to break into an antiquities chamber during the remnants of the Iraq War in order to plunder some treasure and make out like bandits… you know the wealthy part.  Pretty sure these two weren’t going to drop on the sandy floor and make out but hey I am not judging if they did. The only thing they manage to get their mitts on is a medallion with a lion’s head carved in it.  Looked like a left over from Hercules: The Legendary Journeys.   Robert Beltran (of Star Trek: Voyager) portrays Sgt. Baxter, a hard nose Army vet tasked with capturing looters from the National Museum, insurgents move in and Baxter has to let the looters go including the two thieves.  A substantial gunfight ensues including some tight zoom handheld shots that really improved the overall effect.  Gave you that feeling you were in the thick of it.   Not an easily accomplished task with Sy-fy’s budget.  Mind you from the architecture you get the notion we are nowhere NEAR Iraq at all.   Again for the sake of the crew and cast that is probably best.  The buildings have a European feel on the design so a quick check on IMDB pointing out they went to Bulgaria.   I did start chuckling when recognizing two the sarge’s squad.  Heather Donahue (The Blair Witch Project, Boys and Girls and Taken) as well as A.J. Buckley (Disturbing Behavior, Happy Feet and CSI: NY).    The mission is SNAFU and they head back to HQ for Baxter to be read the riot act by his CO played by (in my humble opinion) legendary character actor Jeff Fahey (Silverado, Body Parts, The Lawnmower Man, Planet Terror and Machete) reams Baxter’s butt for failing to meet the primary objective of the mission, regardless of what happened and yadda, yadda yadda..  Hey wasn’t there a creature of untold destruction in this flick?   Let’s go find that.

  

Bumbling duo from the beginning set out in the desert to find their fortune.  Armed with a super secret, chocolate fudgy medallion of impending doom, our two thieves find themselves in quite the pickle as they unwillingly unleash the Manticore!!!  Meanwhile Lois Lane archetype Ashley Pierce (Chase Masterson of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Terminal Invasion and General Hospital) and trusted red shirt cameraman head in the residing villages trying to dig up proof of the whereabouts of WMDs only to find more than they bargained for.  Bum bum bum!!  Baxter’s squad is assigned to find the reporter and red shirt only to find the town has been decimated and a large flying creature with laser beams shooting from its eyes could be the culprit.  Yes fricking Darksied Omega beams style. 

Now admittedly I had a hard time buying our heroes as trained soldiers.  No rifle discipline at all, the cover fire was laughable and I felt like I was sitting through another Lorenzo Lamas film.  

 Well what can we say about this experience?  The acting was pretty good, the cinematography was impressive and hell the CGI monster had some decent chops.  It was a bit graphic for those of less constitution but c’mon it is a monster film about one of the nastiest creatures of Arabic and Greek mythology.

 A flying lion with the tail of a dragon or occasionally a scorpions tail, horns, claws and more teeth than the entire Osmond family.  From a historical stand point this creature is been in Persian culture throughout the better portion of the Caspian Sea region.   Aside from the quick lesson there I had fun watching this regardless if I found it silly in places.

John Carpenter Week: The Thing

You hear every sound as the tick of the clock allows for another minute to pass by.  You feel the sweat on your brow lightly trickling down and you know in your heart of hearts the person next to you may not be what he or she appears to be.  This is The Thing.

Lordy, how could spoilers survive in 0 degree weather?

In 1982, John Carpenter remade Howard Hawks 1951’s science fiction film The Thing from another World into simply The Thing; an alien entity that has the ability to change its molecular structure and DNA into something or someone else through assimilation.    On an Antarctic research station deep in the snow and ice lurks something man has never seen, 12 men will be pushed to the breaking point of sanity and paranoia will seep in.   OoOo got carried away there.  

Based on the original story, “Who Goes There?” by Science-Fiction writer John W. Campbell Jr., the screenplay for the 1982 version was written by Bill Lancaster (The Thing, The Bad News Bears film and TV series) and helmed by director John Carpenter (Assault On Precinct 13, Halloween, Escape From New York, Big Trouble In Little China, and Vampires) unfolds a story of 12 men encountering a malamute being shot at from a helicopter by a Norwegian research team when the copter explodes and kills the pilot and co-pilot.  The rifleman still trying to kill the dog is shot by the station commander Garry (Donald Moffat of The Thing, When the Time Comes, Clear and Present Danger).  

 Helicopter pilot R.J. MacReady (Kurt Russel of The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes, Escape From New York, The Mean Season, Soldier and Deathproof) and Dr. Copper (Richard Dysart of Being There, L.A. Law, The Thing and Spawn the Animated Series) discover a camp completely ruined and torched. A few deaths consistent with suicide and outside in the snow is a body with two heads burnt to almost lack of recognition.  The body is wrapped and research documents are taken back to the station.  Through an autopsy Doctor Blair (Wilford Brimley of The Waltons, The China Syndrome, Brubaker, Roughnecks and Borderline) the two faced creature is perfectly normal.  The malamute starts attacking all the other sled dogs and is toasted with a flamethrower wielded by Chiles (Keith David of The Thing, Platoon, They Live, Clockers, Gargoyles, and Spawn the Animated Series) then brought to Blair to do I guess a necropsy on it.  Blair finds cells in it that are not animal DNA and proceeds to comb the Norwegians’ records.  He discovers that an alien life form that was said to have came to Earth in a flying saucer and they speculate millions of years ago trapped under sheets of ice as far back as the first Ice Age. 

Finding this research everyone becomes skittish around one another, locking their doors and arming themselves.  Who is who?  Am I next?  FX wizard Rob Bottin (Maniac, The Howling and Robocop) is responsible for ¾ of the creature creations and prosthetics.  The dog creature was crafted by none other than the late Stan Winston (Dracula’s Dog, Parasite, The Terminator, Aliens, Predator 1 and 2).  35mm film with a Panavision anamorphic lens shot at a slower speed of 2.35.  Tight shots, a soundtrack composed by Ennio Morricone (The Good, The Bad and the Ugly, The Untouchables, Once Upon a Time in the West and Once Upon a Time in America) rather than Carpenter.    In conclusion, if you don’t mind feeling a bit twitchy and love a good scare then this flick still stands the test of time but never watch it alone…

Zombies...again??!!!

Well gentle readers I have returned and decided I am reminiscent of my review roots and therefore you guessed it!!!   A zombie movie!!! Well you didn’t think I reviewed every single last zombie film in two years did you?   So grab a chair, prop it in front of the door and be still until they walk by.   This is Zone of the Dead.

Spoilers are the end of days, my friend.  Make no mistake about it.

Director Milan Konjevic tackles his first film debut as the head man.  From Second Unit director to a creator of comic series called Generation Tesla, Dusk Fighters and Romero, Knovjevic takes the plunge into directing his own written works.  Shot in Serbia this zombie flick moves at a fast pace, drags its feet a bit and then fast pace reasserts itself again.  The story line is a simple one and should be commended for that.  Military training exercises are going on in the immediate area so satellite frequencies are re-routed.  Cell phones would be unoperatable so lane lines are about all that can be used.  Even CB or walkie talkie if you prefer is clouded.    A prisoner (Emilio Roso of Baby’s Momma Drama, Freedom’s Gate, Border Lost, Mad Men and Corrado) is being transferred from Belgrade to London via Interpol and Serbia police force.  Agent Mina Milius (Kristina Klebe of The Other Shoe, She Hate Me, Delirious, Halloween and The Accidental Husband) is placed in charge of security, transportation and route to make it smooth sailing.  Retiring Agent Mortimer Reyes (TV and Movie character actor legend Ken Foree of Dawn of the Dead, Terror Among Us Knightriders, T.J. Hooker, Remington Steele, The A-Team and Babylon 5) is on his way back to the states leaving Interpol.  Just twelve more hours `til retirement, Riggs.   He and his partner Dragon Belic (Miodrag Krstovic  of Savior, The Professional , The Reject and The Fourth Man) are there purely for supervisory standing so what could possibly go wrong?  

Two towns over an ecological disaster occurs at the train yard, with north winds whipping a gaseous liquid of unknown origin it kills everything in the immediate area and re-animates it in minutes.  With this entire story occurs within the 18 minute mark so it is made room for lofty exterior shots, zooms and long crane shots.  Mostly this film is hand held and Dolly track shooting. The cinematography is impressive but the dialogue what you came to expect.  Buddy cop routine, sprinkled with classified information and a dash of paranoia.   There also seems to be a Romero influence as several of the death scenes are throwbacks to Dawn of the Dead and Day of the Dead. The gore is mildly pronounced in those scenes that require more of a terror factor has such.

Oh yes I always have a bit of nitpicking.  Now keep in mind that several of the dialogue is dubbed over so the voice over work sounds a bit rushed, confused or otherwise lacking in the proper inflection the scene shows us. Several of the sound effects such as: automated doors sound like something of the PC game X-Com, the zombie cries are very similar to those heard in the Doom games and several of the gun shot sound effects run parallel to a first person shooter game in 1995 Rise of the Triad.

Certainly not the worst of the genre I have seen but it is also nothing new here.  I was hoping for a regional spin on the zombies but it feels more like Return of the Living Dead with less humor and less nudity.  Not all that impressed but hey not too shabby first time running.

Critters...yes well...

Okay kids I am back with a series that frankly is a doozy.  So strap yourselves down, put in your mouth guard and going out swinging.  This is Critters Collection. 

Spoilers can save your sanity…

New Line Cinema attempting to branch out Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Ator films with Miles O’ Keefe and Son Chiba’s Street Fighter series. Wes Craven’s pet project, A Nightmare on Elm Street truly breathed life into the company and offered with a series of creature features.    Of these modern day monster films, the Critters franchise is born.   In 1986, Critters was released just after the success rate of Joe Dante’s Gremlins and has been a long standing of dispute on cashing in on its popularity but this reviewer says nay nay.   The focus of the movie is around the creatures themselves, the Crites or Critters if you will.   These carnivorous aliens from outer space resembling hedgehogs with more teeth than the entire Osmond family spread like a plague from planet to planet eating whatever they can.    They live to simply eat, breed and the cycle repeats.  LAND SHARKS!!!!

The standard storyline is the aliens attack a small town in Grover’s Bend Kansas thrashing a farm and of all things they attack Billy Zane (Back To The Future 1, 2 and 3, Demon Knight, The Phantom, Titanic) A duo of these faceless bounty hunters Ug and Lee and yes I did not make those names up have a chameleonic head allowing them to blend into whatever society they are hunting in.  Not to mention enough firepower to take on the Bolivian Army.  A family of four fends off the Crites with fire axes, ball bats and of course the old fashioned double barrel boomstick.  We even have a bumbling sheriff and town rummy.  Town rummy Charlie (Don Keith Opper of Android, City Limits, Critters, Critters 2, Critters 3, Critters 4 and Infection) takes off with the two hunters.  All is said and done from the first film but apparently these space mammals lay eggs. (Suck it Darwin!)  

These eggs of course make our way to Critters 2: The Main Course.   Our bounty hunters are off world popping a giant worm creature when they are given a contract that Crites are still on Earth. Hunter Lee has more face shifting issues and he hasn’t settled on one. Ug (Terrance Mann of Critters, Critters 3, Critters 4 and The Dresden Files) seems content to using a popular rock star’s visage. Lee is ambushed by Crites and killed. Ug and Charlie rally together and throw down with said Crites blowing the lot of them off with their ship.   But…did we get every egg again?  Wah wah waaaaaah.   Off to Topeka Kansas to create Critters 3: You Are What They Eat starring Don Opper and Terrance Mann of the previous films as well as Leonardo DiCaprio’s first movie.   A down trodden building owned by a heartless landlord is under siege by Crites so clearly that is a pest issue.  Charlie (Don Opper) tracks and takes out the Crites but Ug (Terrance Mann) is again nowhere to be found until a holographic message sputters out of a wrist unit and Ug explains Crites are now on the endangered species list. Charlie drops the last remaining Crite eggs into stasis but fell into the pod that was to carry it to this Shadow Consul.

 Now this sad bit of sputum was actually an extended film and not intended to be a continuous beyond this film but New Line Cinema said we will shoot 3 and 4 back to back.  Critters 4: They're Invading Your Space Charlie places the Crite eggs in a stasis unit only to goof up yet again and get trapped into the pod only to have slept for 200 years and rescued by a salvage ship. Yeah cue James Horner music, some pulse rifles and a kick ass Sgt Apone.   The crew decides to claim salvage rights on the pod and receive an update from the Shadow Consul and demand the pod, offer an obscene reward and set coordinates to arrange a meeting.  The space station was in shambles and the Crites are loose, eating and breeding.  Charlie is brought to consciousness and up to speed on the Crites so he springs into action, if action was constituted for bumbling and inept.  With a gun fight with the descendant of Ug and his white clad storm troopers, the Crites eat most of them and the surviving crew blow up the station and flee to safety. 

What is the point you may ask?   Well ambition versus common sense is what occurred.  As this is the way of many storytellings, lack of continuity, re-writes and schedule conflicts can create a jumbled mess and while this is not what I would consider viable entertainment but it is an aspect of my childhood.  Well okay the first one is.  The other three are ideal from extremely dumb movie night...

Cronos: An Original.

Hey all.  I’m back again with a vampire movie on the platter.   Now before you all groan and chant “Seen it”, this is not your typical vampire movie and in fact is a whole other realm of magic, relics and wild happenings.  So sit back in your seat, put your feet up and gaze in disbelief.  This is Cronos.

Spoilers are made of many things…

Director/writer/producer Guillermo del Toro (The Devil’s Backbone, Mimic, Blade II, Hellboy and Hellboy II: The Golden Army) weaves a story of 1535 Mexico, an alchemist creates a golden mechanical artifact that staves off the ravages of age, allowing the wearer almost infinite life and energy so long he or she is prepared to pay the price.  Now in 1997, Jesus Gris (Federico Luppi of Martin, The Devil’s Backbone and Pan’s Labyrinth) an antiques dealer in Mexico, who comes across a beetle-shaped golden trinket found in an old statue.  While inspecting the item in question, it buzzes and whirls to life, sprouting claws and digs into his hand deep.  The next day Jesus feels stronger and more energetic than he had in years, a notion he attributes to the artifact now embedded in his flesh.  No sooner does this newly found vitality come about as does a thirst, a craving for human blood.  Methinks this gift needs a refund option.  Down this new found passage of self-discovery he learns of a malicious millionaire Dieter de la Guardia (Claudio Brook of The Exterminating Angel, Simon of the Desert, Miroslava and Valentina) stricken with disease and old age he is obsessed with the tales and writings of the Cronos invention along with his brute of a nephew Angel (Ron Perlman of Beauty and the Beast, Absolon, Blade II, Hellboy, Mutant Chronicles, The Job, I Sell the Dead, Acts of Violence and Conan the Barbarian)  who simply wishes dear Uncle would drop dead and give him the business.  Jesus fears that he will soon be a threat to his granddaughter who he dearly loves as he is warping away from the good man he was.

And now I would like to mention a quick, few tidbits on the cinematography itself.  Toro’s usage of winding visual and clockwork title card introduction is something of a patent for him.  As most of his films are based in sci-fi fantasy, horror and the conglomerate of both, it is a unique signature as well as the need for orchestra music building momentum and suspense.  Most of the camera work is hand held and with such precision down a winding staircase and such attention to detail that you get the feeling he truly is a storyteller around a campfire rather than a director.   

How his gothic take on most of his films gets compared to Tim Burton’s work can only be attributed that Cronos was released in 1993 after Burton successes of Beetlejuice, Batman and Edward Scissorhands and therefore people feel Toro lifted the same feel for his own.  I would have to disagree and find while similar that Toro’s work unfolds with a subtle grace and is more dialogue and action driven, while Burton’s work tends to come off as kooky or obtuse.  And considering how many bloody remakes Burton has been in hand with, I am not a huge fan.    Following in the facet of Hitchcock like many other current directors, Toro appears as small bit characters in his films but never a top bill one.  He is behind the scenes if you will and frequently has actors of previous film projects to come back as often as he can get them.   To this date, Ron Perlman has done 4 films with him thus far and I dare say it is only the beginning.  So if you care for an exquisite take on an old legend with little to mild gore then I would dare say put this in your Netflix.