Public Domain Goodness: Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny

And we're back with more Public Domain Goodness. Actually that is a contradiction because there is nothing good to be had about today's gut wrenching pain. Dragging at the speed of a snail on a leave, our film tops off at a whopping 96 minutes of pure unadulterated Hell. Tis' the season after all and given I am in warmer climates I have to look a bit harder for Christmas.

This is Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny.

I can't see in this mask.  Was that a log or a hobo I ran over?

This particular abomination in the eyes of God and humanity is brought to us by R&S Film Entertainment from the year of 1972. Written, directed and musically scored by R. Winer (Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny) and clearly gone and never seen nor heard from again. Production comes from a children stories/exploitation producer Barry Mahon (Cuban Rebel Girls, Rocket Attack U.S.A., The Dead One, Santa's Christmas Elf Named Calvin) and boy oh boy are we in for a treat. I mean, if you can't trust quality morality and noble intentions from the producer of Sex Killer, Fanny Hill Meets Dr. Erotico and The Wonderful Land of Oz, then frankly you are a touch cynical.

Santa is stuck in Florida as all his reindeer revolted and left his bulbous ass in the heat and surf.    No real mention why and Santa doesn't exactly seem to be busting his hump to fix this.   This thread bare plot was linking a jolly old fat man, some zany kids and helping good old Santa out of his plight so he can get back to delivering toys. This film is so poorly executed aside from finding out the actor playing Santa, I think the parents of the kids demanded their names stricken from the bill. Seriously most of them didn't even have names.

Now children, you must be wondering why Santa has no pants.

Santa has been baking in the sun for a while as we were treated (and by we I mean I suffered) saggy sweaty swamp ass. Yup that pan about of Santa getting in and out of the sleigh was a treat for all to behold. HOLIDAY SWAMP ASS!!! Or Santa's saggy diaper sprung a leak.

So the kids find alternative animals to pull the sleigh while Santa decides to have a musical number. Did I mention this was also a musical? Probably still reeling from experiencing it myself. After many vain attempts at different animals, the kids are tired and stumped what to do. To pad the film uh I mean pass the time, Santa apparently dropped acid and has a flashback about a story he heard.

A completely separate fairy tale, told at a theme park in Dania Florida called Pirate's World. A tale that has no bearing on Christmas, a moral lesson or any relevance WHATSOEVER!!!!

Instead the kids get to delight at the whimsy of a crazy old man in a Santa suit as we have stock footage from Pirate World and Thumbellina.   Because Thumbellina is so...Christmas like.  At best guess as this story is narrated from a PA speaker system in the park, you get the idea they originally had these live action fairy tales as a means to entertain the kids when the rides made them throw up too many times.

I tell you elves, we need to strike.

Dig this. The bloody story is almost 36 minutes long. Yup Santa and the kids share in this wondrous tale with paper mach'e toadstools, large creature suits and music that had all its potential charms strangled from it.   Over a half hour this diverting story and what does it have to do with Santa and his reindeer on strike??? Absolutely nothing.  A complete and deliberate waste of your time.

Swamp Ass Claus finishes this long winded tale and if you look at it analytically, he speaks of a narrator telling the tale. So then kids, the nice lady spoke of how Thumbellina was lost in the woods with the poor backdrop, the high school production quality sets and the lighting that changes from moment to moment.

Bearing this time wasting bastard no more, several of the kids head out in search of the one being that could summon all his might to do what's right. Yes the Ice Cream Bunny. With it's cold, dead shark-like eyes and not saying a single word, this nightmare fuel proves Santa a lift in his old timey fire truck of which I can't even guess how the guy in the suit saw to steer it. Moving at speeds of maybe 10 mph, they head over to pick up Santa and then...well more music and roll credits.

I kid you not. That's it. Again like Planet of the Dinosaurs, this also has been picked apart by Rifftrax and they have a holly jolly time mocking this hellish creation. Andrew Lloyd Webber plays are more enjoyable. Shot in 16mm and converted to 35mm print, normally I cheer at this but no, I have no love for this film.

I am not even certain who this film could entertain.   I guess if you have a small child that smacks him or herself with a brick, this would be a distraction.  If your child suffers from eating too much lead paint when you are not looking, well this film might induce vomiting, clearing the toxic material from him or her.

If you were planning on creating a Saw based torture chamber and just simply force your victims to watch a movie, with locked and bolted doors, a projector against a tile wall and turned up the built-in speakers encased in shatterproof boxes so they can never drown out the sounds of this awful movie... well you're unhinged and have an excellent flick to cause agony.

Personally I would make it part of my last will and testament to torment family members greedily awaiting a good sized payoff. Ya wants the dough, on wif da show.

96 minutes does not seem like much normally and I would agree if it wasn't for the incredibly slow pace, next to no plot, the child actors looking like they can't wait to leave and this asinine link to Pirate World and... yeah I lost my point. Oh yes, skip the original incarnation of this movie. If you have to stare at this in order to believe in its existence, watch the Rifftrax version.

A witch's brew...for Christmas.