Monday, January 23, 2017

Random Goofy: Camel Spiders

Gee a film starring Soul Man and Leo from Charmed. Not sure my heart can take this excitement.
This is Camel Spiders.

Protect Vasquez Rocks for future Trek projects, men!

Fortunately like many directors do, Jim Wynorski has more than a few actors and actresses in his stable so reoccuring actresses in question are Melissa Brasselle (Sorceress, Body Chemistry 4: Full Exposure, Raptor, Cheerleader Massacre, Treasure Hunt, The Curse of the Komodo and Vampire in Vegas), GiGi Erneta (She's No Angel, Burning Desires, Project Viper, Cheerleader Massacre, The Insatiable, Dusk and Vampire in Vegas) Diana Terranova (Tomcats, Comic Book Villains, A.I. Assault, Hell Ride, The Hills Have Thighs, MILF, Piranhaconda, Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No! And The Walking Dead in the Hood) Corey Landis (That '70s Show, Chrysalis, Lost in the Woods, Dinocroc vs Supergator, Changing Hands, Dracula Reborn, Sharkansas Women's Prison Massacre and Nessie & Me) and...Greg?

I think it is communicating with me...or laying eggs.

Greg the Peg or Kurt Yaeger, former X-games athlete that had his leg amputated and came back to X-games still doing flips on a bike and did an 86 floor run up to the Empire State Building in 20 minutes and 19 seconds!

Say what you will about Wynorski's track record and whether or not he is producing/writing and/or directing, the guy has an audience that hold his works aloft to the gods. Being a protege of Roger Corman, this doesn't surprise me that he knows the equation that sexy girls sell to man children everywhere.  Hell I know I sat through Dinosaur Island for the plot and CLEARLY had nothing to do with the scantily clad females.   That flick was by Wynorski and Fred Olen Ray.

Alright boys fan out and let's get this Johnny Rico guy.

Okay so the jist of this story is this:

Captain Sturges (Brian Krause of Sleepwalkers, Naked Souls, Mind Games, Charmed, Return to Cabin by the Lake, In the Blink of an Eye, Warbirds, L.A. Noire, Toolbox Murders 2, Alien Rising and Reach for the Stars) and his men are pinned down by vaguely Middle Eastern insurgents at Vasquez Rocks? Oh sorry somewhere in the Middle East that just looks like Vasquez Rocks as they cannot get back to their hummer...that somehow more than 15 guys traveled in. Crammed in there like sardines I guess. With infinite ammo cheat code on either side, the gunfight rages on. I have not seen them reload once and all the insurgents' hands are very white. A further note is they are packing 9mm Taurus pistols and M4s. Not Desert Eagles or say...maybe a few AK-47s or even the AK-108s? Well gun wrangler SNAFU aside, the helpless soldiers witness Mother Nature tired of the crap and a swarm of camel spiders come in and start reeking havoc as they wipe out the competition. For only the sake of not being around those caves, Sturges and his men survive.

As if by fate, a few of the spider or solifugids as the species is known as stow away in one of the dead soldier's body bag to be transported to the states with him.

Green screened in a 1970 AM General truck. I think its those concrete patch trucks but I am not certain, Sturges and Sgt Underwood (Melissa Brasselle) transporting enough M4s to make most militas thrilled and the fallen corporal that was head shot and contaminated with spiders galore. Plot device car chase causes yet another SNAFU (Situation Normal All F**ked Up) as the collision is inevitable. So before Father Mulligan can call for a do-over, the spiders get loose and into town. I am a teensy bit irked that that coffin even fell out of the truck. Military lashing of any cargo especially human cargo would have been knotted and tied down something fierce but must allow for suspense of disbelief. Bad Jake.  Local Sheriff of Cedar Creek (C. Thomas Howell of The Outsiders, Red Dawn, The Hitcher, A Tiger's Tale, That Night, Gettysburg, Kindred: The Embraced, Night of the Wolf, Net Games, Flatline, Torchwood and Justice League: The Flashpoint Paradox) gives aid to our intrepid military as best as he can.

Clem Feeney and Ponyboy Curtis have a pow-wow and what's best to be done with about the truck when the critters pull the old Shenghai Suprise on them. Oh.. that doesn't mean what I thought it meant. I mean a fast one.

Well before Robert can call in the rest of the Wolverines all hell breaks loose. And what film of creature feature wouldn't be complete without reckless teens drinking and trying to get into each other's pants? Does seem to be the motif since the sixties but filmed more in the seventies.

As the spider mania builds up, it forces Sturges to break out the hardware. Hope they are on infinite ammo settings too because there is a lot of these skuttlers.

Can the town be saved? What of the dippy teens? Does anyone care what I am writing right now?

Okay here we go. The CGI spiders actually look good in some scenes but not finished in others and the size ranges from what the solifugids really are to then about 3 feet long. The dialogue is what you come to expect from a creature feature which consists of one liners, obvious observations and a few minor bits of swearing. 

Dig this, Wynorski fans. No nudity. Seriously, there is not an ounce of giggly jiggly at all and this is mostly plot driven. I was impressed and a bit disappointed. Hey still have that pig streak. Sorry. The acting was fair and I always have to give credit to any actor that can manage to recapture the idea of playing against something that is only in your imagination. The story stays on track and keeps the pace going without a lot of lag but plenty of gags.

Stock Wilhelm scream goes far in my book so bravo for that. I lost some of you. Okay character actor/humorous musician Sheb Wooley recorded about 6 different screams for the 1951 film The Distant Drums. These screams were for men getting shot, falling off cliffs, horses and attacked by a gator. Sheb is best known for Purple People Eater.

Charmed huh?  Before my time, son.  Sorry.