Saturday, April 27, 2019

Witchcraft X: Mistress of the Craft


Hey gang I'm back again. So with the more than positive responses to Stephanie Beaton and her films, I was looking high and low for another one. Heck if the actress herself doesn't think this writing is a complete dumpster fire, I might as well keep going. So I did make mention of going further into her sequels to beloved cult classic franchise and yeah some have been utterly screwy. This time around we change location as Lutz (Stephanie Beaton) has been whisked away to Jolly Ol' England (Yes everyone across the pond probably hate that term) and must do battle with vampires...again.  This is Witchcraft X: Mistress of the Craft.


Be honest, do you like my Sailor Mercury outfit?












Dumb horny guys try to pick up women vastly more than they and looking to get lucky. Fellas, your dangers senses should be kicking in. This club is packed and there are bound to be better looking guys than either of you. Led to a stairwell and the women turn out to be vampires. When they are trying to drain the guys, they're making out with each other. This feels like how a horny fan boy thinks bisexuality works.

Okay for the fans of this series, a few notations. 1) No Will Spanner. Yup everyone's favorite warlock/attorney/occult expert is not in this one. 2) Lucy Lutz (Stephanie Beaton of Wicthcraft IX: Bitter Flesh, Zombie Gang Bangers, Witchcraft X: Mistress of the Craft, Monster in My Car, Eyes of the Werewolf, Witchcraft XI: Sisters in Blood and A Passion) is on the trail of a madman sorcerer hell bent on ruling the world and he likes killing people. 3) Lastly, no Detective Garner so Lutz is on her own.


Steve was found lightly groped to death.  Poor bastard.












This mad sorcerer is Hyde (Kerry Knowlton of Exposed! Pro Wrestling's Greatest Secrets, Immortal Combat and Witchcraft X: Mistress of the Craft) is being held by Bureau 17, a division of Interpol that deals with supernatural and preternatural effects, scenarios and creatures.

Now with those comments out of the way, welcome to London as Lucy Lutz has to deal with Interpol over an evil and cruel practitioner of magic she is suppose to extradite back to the states so he can face his crimes and probably the death penalty. I'm hoping for the wet maritime rope whipping scenario from Casino Royale. By the way, Lutz has about two bags packed. She's supposed to be there for maybe a couple of days. Agent Dixon (Sean Harry of Virtual Terror, Witchcraft X: Mistress of the Craft, Those Video Guys and Talking Who) has been assigned to Detective Lutz and the two try to bond while he's driving her. HOWEVER, the audio quality is AWFUL. Yeah I had to put headphones on just to hear it better. I don't think the music portion was added at the same time as the dialogue and it is mixed poorly. The music is dominating the scenes. Hence the headphones. Outdoor audio not fully fading so it just pops and then back to the next scene. I will have your spleen, audio editor!

The main focus of the movie is Agent Celeste Sheridan (Wendy Cooper of Breeders, Witchcraft X; Mistress of the Craft, 24 Hours in London, Blood, Bodywork, Warrior Sisters and The Rain Has Stopped) has other worldly powers. Not sure if this is from another dimension, aliens or possibly an avatar of an ancient god. She also goes through a transformation not unlike Sailor Moon aaaand she's a cop. Well that's not confusing at all. Witch Cop! Agent Sorceress! Meh, this joke going nowhere.

A cadre of bisexual vampire vixens led by Raven (Eileen Daily of Razor Blade Smile, Sacred Flesh, Cradle of Fear, Kannibal, Sentinels of Darkness, Machines of Love and Hate, Evil Calls: The Raven and Albion Rising)head into the precinct, attack several of the agents and take Hyde. Maybe omnisexual vampires is more accurate. The greatest loss of them all, Steve. Uh the front desk guy. The lynch pin, the glue that held Bureau 17 together... yeah okay he really wasn't that important but dammit someone needs to mourn Steve. I think.


No Lutz, no. That's how Steve always wanted to go out.












Now once again I warm my pimp slap hand when the writer makes Lutz suddenly startled and confused that the supernatural exists. She claims to have been chasing Hyde, sees dead cultists and alleged vampire attacks. Um she's already dealt with this with cultists and vampires prior. C'mon writer, either watch the previous movie to borrow elements from it or get the screenplay.

Continuity, dammit. Just let's not make Lutz forget all she has already learned.

Director/writer/producer Elisar Cabrera (Demonsoul, Virtual Horror, Witchcraft X: Mistress of the Craft, FWA British Uprising and Those Video Guys) made Lutz a secondary character in this to showcase Celeste more.

Raven wants Hyde to bring about a demon, god or possibly a being over an outside realm. Did I mention some of this is hard to hear? Only Hyde has the ability to read this ancient tomb about the Walpurgis (or Valpurgis) ritual to give Raven UNLIMTED POWER!!! Y'know, that old chestnut. Now given this guy is a wrestler, the dialogue isn't so far fetched for his overacting but wow. That tank top he is wearing just not flattering. The cut of it makes it look like the guy has a beer and a shot belly.


Senpai, NOTICE MEEEEE!!!!!












Celeste seems to have telekinesis, power bolts and think some flight. Her...fighting capabilities is well a bit of sword fighting and some fisticuffs. Though her telekinetic powers seems to lift Just Juice. And English, what in the nine hells is Fairy Liquid?   Guessing a dish washing liquid or a creamer? Meh, I'll look it up later.

Dixon and Lutz got close quickly after the first vampire attack as they had each others' back. So I guess that means have a hot bath and a shag. Hmm what happens in London, stays in London? Just she didn't want to stay in her hotel room? Hey not going to judge the lady, I was just curious.

Hyde and Raven do chew up quite a bit of the scenery between them, leaving walls sparse. 
 


Even for an Indie Horror movie, scenes dissolve real quick, the editing feels abrupt, the audio quality is choppy and there are several scenes not cut properly. FX is fair, the verbal sparring between Raven and Celeste is on par with a superhero flick, so that's nothing bad. Just wanted to see more of Lutz as she is already a bad ass character and given she is the only one that ties the original series, I was hoping she had lead on this.

Eileen Daily is clearly having fun with her role as lead vampiress and I love how NO ONE questions Celeste's vinyl Sailor Moon like outfit and stiletto heels. Here at Bureau 17 we are a bit lax with dress code, old bean.

Good staking scenes and no one-liners? Here's yer stake dinner! Got wood? Start your own branch! Guess you won't be pining for Valpuris! Okay so maybe not a one-liner then.

Well the full skinny, finally out of California, decent enough story ideas without the full range of technical know how. Needs more than one camera and understanding of blocking and firing the tone deaf audio editor. Beaton is enjoying herself and gets a lot more to do. Vampire slaying for example! Hell if she never wanted to go back to Cali, Bureau 17 has more than a few openings, thanks to vamps. The root of all evil. Yes, got one more in.

Vamp nibbling...apparently. Whatever.

Thursday, April 25, 2019

Witchcraft IX: Bitter Flesh


Okie dokie, we have fan requests for more Stephanie Beaton. So I will be dabbling into a series I have not watched in some time. We are diving into the Witchcraft franchise. I will bring you up to speed. Will Spanner (Charles Solomon Jr., Marklen Kennedy and David Byrnes) is a warlock/lawyer/amateur occult specialist. Destined to be a terror similar to Damien Hellstrom from Marvel Comics, a world of evil awaits one day for him to turn. So he is on the third regeneration (yes they have gone through a few Wills) and was killed during the hammiest of vampire clans and he died...or did he?  The reoccurring cops Lutz and Garner keep somehow forget that magic and the supernatural occur.   Or their current writer forgets. This is Witchcraft IX: Bitter Flesh.


Psst, hey rookie. Lutz has great legs, right?












Our title cards are a bit different from the last time and company as Troma has taken over for production. Hmm, that mean there's going to be more than a few sex scenes? Yeah does scream 80s porno but lacks the bluesy saxophone or synthesizer. We open with a pretentious art gallery with wine free flowing and no smoking??  Must be California. With two bodies on the ground and maybe the cops ought to be notified.  Oh and Troma fans, there. I have reviewed a Troma movie so nyah. Almost 4 minutes of title sequence. AHHHH!!!!

Now Lutz and Garner were previously Kurt Alan and John E. Holiday, however we have a different Garner and we have the previous Lutz replaced by his sister Lucy (Alisa Christensen and now Stephanie Beaton). Now my only complaint with this Lutz and Garner(Mikul Robins of Teen Wolf, Frogtown II, V-World Matrix, Witchcraft XI: Sisters in Blood, and The Craven Cove Murders) becoming doubters and have to recap the notion they have worked with Will before. That and Will being a lawyer somehow means he's a P.I.   Yeah more than a few hiccups. This dude would be so disbarred. Anywho, the film prior to this has nothing to do with the series continuation overall, so enough of that. No I mean it. It was about a haunted house, sex starved coven and a rival warlock.  It's been a bit garbled.


Police? I've got a warlock masturbating outside my window. Again.












Lutz and Garner are at the crime scene for a double homicide and are fairly calm there's only one body quite dead. Will tries to talk to them but he is out of his skull. By that ,I mean he is a spirit and must find someone to communicate that. We get some flashback sequences or as I like to call it Will's Slideshow. Footage of the previous flicks and up to his demise. If only someone could assist him.

Naturally you'd think a prostitute like Sheila (Landon Hall of Stolen Hearts, Different Strokes, Black Thunder, Forbidden Passions, The Escort III and Hotel Exotica) is Will's medium. Hey, beats Whoopi anyday. With a quick exposition dump, it is revealed that Sheila had a near death experience and now she hears dead people.

Will's fiancee Keli is quite upset that Will hasn't called or gotten in touch with her. At least those were lines she delivered. Suffice to say, Leah Kourtne Ballantine doesn't exactly give a great performance. Her third film but the vibe of this execution is...she looks extremely sleepy. The way she dispatching lines feels lackluster in their apartment in spite of having a house together in two films prior. Yeah I don't know either. No follow-up to what happened with that too. Will does quite a bit of wandering and for some reason a streetwalker out and about is Stephanie Beaton. Is Lutz working with Vice? Yeah I am all sorts of confused. Maybe B roll footage to pad the film. Hell I've got no clue.


Oh the hell with Hepburn and Tracy. These two capture the screen.












Lutz and Garner are hot on the case and well is it wrong for me like Stephanie Beaton in these short pencil skirts? Sorry ladies, I am normally behaved but she has amazing legs. Okay moving on, he said holding on to the pathetic shreds of dignity.

So this time around it is not competing warlocks, vampires or witches but we do have ritual killings for the sake of the Egyptian god...well I think it's for Ra as we have his symbol scrawled in blood. Yeah not really clear on that. 1/4 of this movie is sex scenes. Yup suddenly the mildly boobage series has gone straight soft core Skinamax. I mean it's going to happen if you need men to rent this flick. Toss boobs at them and they are happy guys. Plot? Meh, rather have boobs thanks. Apologies, the blood letting is happening for Kafu Hu. Umm that's not a god or demon. That's the name of a long dead pharaoh. Oh my God, he's summoning Hawkman. So the whole Satan plot thing got dropped as well. Yeah I do understand how folks have gotten confused about this series.

Also for some reason Will's body is inhabited by another spirit plowing his girlfriend. Annnd he grew longer hair and a goatee. Since he died. Huh, death is screwy, huh? So a multitude of sex scenes and Will might, just might get back to his body. This of course is assuming Sheila's off the clock. Will and Sheila banter, I think. Well it seems like good natured ribbing but it falls a bit flat.

Lutz and Garner find sacrifices with same Egyptian blood scrawling and it's the strangest thing they've ever encountered. With the exception of a coven of witches and a cadre of vampires prior. They come to the conclusion it's time to find an expert on these Egyptian symbols. Enter Professor Shannon (Katherine Hudson of Witchcraft IX: Bitter Flesh andMasseuse) who sheds a little light on the case. Which she really didn't. She explains about a cult founded with this pharoah and Satan and bleh! Writer, go back to the source material and then work your own plot but for crying out loud look at the stuff already done.

Sheila tries to convince Garner that she is speaking on the behalf of Will and well she forgot to mention Will's dead, and there are cultists again, hearts being carved out. Basically, EVERYTHING WILL ASKED HER TO DO!!!!




The confusing problem with this film isn't the rewrite back into Will returning from the great beyond is so much as camera angles not matching up, dissolves that don't link to the next scene and frankly I think the editor isn't doing his job. David Byrnes' performance isn't bad but it is damn confusing when the scenes don't mesh. Stephanie's Lutz is trying to genuinely get work done but her captain goes into his office after one scene and smokes. Yup. Cases closed. Hearts cut out from the bodies? Clearly suicide and I can't hear your complaints in flavor country.

She and Robins have some decent scenes but the hack of an editor was either drunk, in Union, on breaks or just flat out incompetent. Hey maybe it wasn't his fault. Regardless the ADR is awful in sex scenes. Dude porn has better ADR than this flick. The plot holes are substantial, a bit of exposition establishes Will lost his house and had to move...after he died. Whoops.

Looks like I am going to have to watch Witchcraft X if I want to actually get to see Stephanie Beaton shine. We'll see if I can find that.

Garner, where you looking at my butt?

Tuesday, April 23, 2019

Hulk Vs


Hey folks back some more. Well after the illuminating film, Beaster Day I decided I wanted some more superhero viewing. Avengers: Endgame is up and running but yeah gonna be hard to take screenshots of that. So why not hit an animated film with at least two Avengers and maybe a runty X-Man too? With droves of devastation, mass smack downs and more that a few furious roars, today's film is coming at you. This is Hulk Vs.


Hulk say you not Idris Elba!!












What is a two-part story line of Hulk's many forays out and about from his gargantuan leaps, Hulk makes his way into Asgard. All Father Odin, King of Asgard, the light of the Nine Realms and the life's blood of Asgard must sleep for the winter in order to replenish the realm and bring forth a bountiful harvest and give power back to the lands. Well into the Odinsleep, the realm is less protected and gets lumped onto Odinson, Thor (Matthew Wolf of Family Affairs, Shelf Life, Fable, Samurai Warriors 2, I Shouldn't Be Alive, Call of Duty 3, BladeStorm: Hundred Years War, Rambo and Big Red), his friends the Warriors Three and Lady Sif (Grey Griffin of Star Wars: Jedi Knight- Jedi Academy, Looney Tunes: Reality Check, The Powerpuff Girls, Doom 3, Johnny Bravo, Ultimate Avengers, Xiaolin Showdown, X-Men: The Official Game and Batman: Arkham City) to keep things in check.


Isn't that Hulk pimp slapping Not Idris Elba around?












 As any good Thor fan is aware of.   Dear adopted brother Loki is plotting and scheming as per usual, so enter the Hulk who will no doubt be duped or mind controlled into doing Loki's bidding.
The green goliath is voiced by Fred Tatasciore (Avengers Assemble, Batman Ninja, Guardians of the Galaxy, Lego DC Super Hero Girls: Super-Villain High, The Loud House, Lost in Oz, DC Super Hero Girls: Legends of Atlantis, Marvel Powers United VR and DuckTales) and brother the Golden Realm is in for a serious real estate overhaul when Hulk is in full-on "Smash mode".

As predicted, Loki takes over Hulk and proceeds to go sick house on Asgard when Thor and Mjornir crack open a 36 pack of whoop ass and then...PLACE YOUR BETS!!! Prince of Asgard vs the Jade Giant! Fear not for the realm but pity the masons that have to do this massive repair job. I wouldn't wish that gig on anyone. Hey, does the All Father approve of O.T.? Things like that keep me up at night, huh? So what do you get? 12 solid minutes of a brutal match between Loki controlled Hulk and Thor.

Of course, dullard that Loki is, he's fueling Hulk's rage. Y'know, like dropping wood into a forest fire and then following it up with napalm. For those not getting this analogy, that's bad. Important safety tip there. Don't do any of that. Well the local landscape, architecture and maybe a random sheep are getting squashed, smashed and crushed. Even better news, no Loki or Banner to reign Hulk in...there's no end to his rage. So yeah that's gonna go well.


Permit me to take you to "Funkytown", mortal.












The day is done and Banner has given more than any of us will ever know. Primarily because we are not selfless fictional characters. Onto a realm filled with darkness, primitives and maple syrup. I speak none other than the feared region known as...Canada!!! A virtual Savage Land and... okay all kidding aside, why does most of America have issues with Canada? I'm clueless on this one.



Now we check in with one of my favorite antiheroes voiced by the talented Steve Blum (Wolverine and the X-Men, Superhero Squad, Cowboy Bebop, Cowboy Bebop: The Movie, Star Wars Rebels, Transformers: Robots in Disguise, Transformers: Rescue Bots and Let It Die), at 5'5", 300 lbs of Adamantium and all attitude, Wolverine. Yup, need a deep growly voice for this guy and brother Blum delivers. Well bub, he's the best there is at what he does. Too bad none of that is diplomacy or a deft hand at dealing with a raging beast that can clear most forest fires with a clap of his massive hands.

When Atomic Wedgies go horribly wrong!












Naturally we need a hero vs hero fight so off we go! Yup, this forest area is completely boned.
I mean just the large thump from 300 foot Hulk drop into the Earth, thunderclaps rocketing trees willy nilly and oh yeah smacking a midget with claws through trees, boulders and skipping him like a stone in the lakes. Wolvie has been dispatched by Department H (it is unclear if he is still under Canadian Spec Ops still or not, definitely not Alpha Flight) as a town has been completely destroyed, innocents lost their lives and Hulk's scent is all over the place.

What will have here is two guys with buckets of stamina, rage issues and the need to put the hurt on the other. Seriously I don't think Logan has ever gotten along with Banner's alter ego ever.

Low and behold; an off the books Weapon X project is underway and gee, isn't that Sabertooth, the cyborg assassin Lady Deathstrike, the Soviet super-soldier Omega Red and the Merc with the Mouth Deadpool? Well these peepers rarely fail me, so yes it is.


Wolvie Revenge Force Activate!












Wel,l the professor that originally gave Logan bones and claws laced with adamantium wants Hulk and Wolverine for a new Weapon X project as soldiers. Yeah multiple PhD s and this doesn't sound stupid. Shockingly enough, Wolvie's sparring partners want him dead, gouge the prof and prepare to unleash a series of fatal ass whippings on Wolvie but he gets loose and gets to Banner. Oopsie Poopsie, Hulk very angry. Must have knocked Sabertooth about at least a mile. Deadpool bounced like a tennis ball, all the while Omega and Deathstrike are still trying to mix it up with Wolvie.

Not going to lie to you, not a huge fan of the artwork but both stories and voice cast easily make up for that. We have two substantial fights of epic proportion. And yes I loved Nolan North as Deadpool. He was killing me. Pew pew pew!! So at the end of this madness, I had two colossal, drag out battles worthy of wine and song. Thanks Marvel.

FYI, first cartoon flick we get to see Wolvie take the villains to claw town. Yup bunch of soldiers dressed like Hunks from Resident Evil get the sharp end of those blades and dammit, we need that now and again.

Monday, April 22, 2019

Beaster Day


Howdy readers! I'm back from the Easter weekend. I'd like to say I have a hearty and zany family film with enough sugary goodness to make a diabetic slightly green around the gills. Well that just wouldn't been my blog.That being said, I didn't want to a slasher film in a bunny costume or a series of zombies. This Catholic didn't feel that was cool. So howzabout a creature feature involving a giant, mutant killer rabbit? No, not Night of the Lepus. This is Beaster Day a.k.a. Beaster Bunny: Here Comes Peter Cottonhell.

Psst, lady.  Got any lettuce?












 With softcore pornographer/indie film director John Bacchus (Vampire Vixens, Zombiez, Kinky Kong, Circle of Fury, Bloodz vs.Wolvez and Bravengers: Age of Buldgetron), I am no doubt, in for a treat. No doubt at all. The generous consensus of IMDB fan reviews is pretty much throwing it under the bus. I shall remain objective. For this could be gold...in spite of all the warnings that it is congealed monkey vomit.

Exterior day shots of Easter eggs and a transition into night ceremony into a wedding. Aww. Most likely the best man Tom can't wait to tell the tale of his buddy, three midget hookers and a snorkle mask buuuuut... Keep in mind this is his father's new marriage. Oh yeah. Drunken, bitter son steps out for a Kent (psst that's a cigarette long ago, Millenials) and hitchhiking when suddenly, POV death!!!

We cut to kooky music and dressing montage of our local dog catcher Doug (Peter Sullivan of Beaster Bunny) who and let's be fair, it a complete and utter tit. He prepares for his mundane existence with such zeal; it would appear he is blissfully unaware he is the town punchline. Overthinking, over-prepared and underpaid, our youthful lad is attempting to be the best at what he does. Catching dogs. The bar is set a bit low for Doug.


Craigslist hook-up goes awry!












Young would-be actress Brenda (Marisol Custodio of Deathly Love, Beaster Bunny, Finding America, Comic Energy and Catching Up) hasn't had the best of luck breaking into gigs, Dad (Bill Joachim of The Waiting game, Beaster Bunny, Samuel's Game and Just Like We Used to Do) is tired of financing her educations and Mom (Valerie Bittner of Just for the Time Being, Hack, The Answer Man, Beaster Day: Here Comes Peter Cottonhell and Billboard) doesn't want to get in the middle of it. Jeeze we have a derpy little brother and we got the sit com: My Disappointing Kids. Coming soon this Fall on NBC!

Thus far, lemonade victim and yes she is credited as such (Darian Crane of of Lust for Dracula, An Erotice Werewolf in London, Kinky Kong, Sex Hex and Fist of the Vampire) has been the only actor I have recognized and well she's rabbit pellets. Spoilers?? Meh.

Crotchety boss Jake (Tom Cikoski of Carlito's Angels, Suburban Secrets, La casa loca, Sex Hex and Superbadazz) is given the dog catchers the low down of a rabid Labrador and to shoot on sight orders. He has a look of murder at Doug every time the kid speaks. The only reason the kid's alive, Jake's too tired to murder, clean up and dispose of his body.

Yet another girl working hard in her garden discovers a plethora of carrots munched and scattered about. Something something, dirty girl joke blah blah. Yeah I am not taxing my brain today. Meanwhile the "rabbit" sounds like a perv on the phone until it T-Rex shrills its attack.


CARROTTTSSSS!!!!!












Convenient swipe and the girls are free. Seriously, Briar Rabbit should have ended up lacerating half her chest with those 12 inch claws. I'm sure you can figure out were this is going.

Quick! We need a Matt Hooper archetype to explain the hunting pattern and evolution of this creature.No? Oh c'mon, movie!

Doubting Mayor Farnsworth (John Paul Fedele of Play-Mate of the Apes, New York Wild Cats, Zombiez, Lust in Space: The Erotic Witch Project IV and Kinky Kong) is taking his cues from Mayor Vaughn via Jaws and is a big time Bunny DaiKaiju denier. Not even a Quint? C'mon, who the hell doesn't want to do a Robert Shaw impression?! I envisioned an RV covered in rabbit pelts, and skulls named the Lepus. Fair well and adieu, to ye Spanish ladies...

Well movie, I just don't know. I just don't know. The stop motion creature is as graceful as Joe Cocker after an ether binge. The best part is him catching up to said victims with Jason Vorhees teleportation capacity. Still no theory on the creature at all. Mine? Drunk necromancer dug up bones of a Rugaru (Cree Native American tribe name for shapeshifter), Chupacabra (Four fanged goat bloodsucker of Mexico) and covered it in pelts of dead rabbits making a janky moving bone and flesh golem to meek out chaos and then had another slug of rot gut bourbon.

Doug and Brenda join forces as they are the only ones to save the rest of the dwindling populous.

Can they stop the creature in time? Will they clean up on the amount of coats and shawls it will make?




The overall vibe was parts Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, Friday the 13th volume of nudity and goofy creature attacks. We have campy story, a film that cannot be taken seriously and the need for ridiculous violence at the ready. Is it brilliant? No. Is it silly and aforementioned odd? You bet. Very tongue-in-cheek. Hell we even got a "Someone wake up Hicks," line added.

These folk are fans of action/horror/dark comedy. Our director has worked with this softcore stars before so gobs of nudity are added simply because. This is clearly a creature feature spoof. A lark. This was never meant to be taken seriously and it accomplishes that on all levels. Several critics are losing their damn minds over how bad the film is and I'm thinking, "Did we watch the same flick?" Okay so you don't want to put the kiddies down in front of the TV for this one. It is just damn silly so have a laugh. Still they missed out on so many JAWS jokes. 

Watch out for that treeeeee!!!

Friday, April 19, 2019

Eyes of the Werewolf


Welcome back my fine collection of oddlings! Oh not all of you but apparently some of you would like me to investigate some more Stephanie Beaton films. So, yeah I can do that. She's a pretty nice person from what I am gathering. Owner of Silver Moon Productions and more recently, an etsy shop, FromTheCauldronWitch. Yes I have no issues plugging businesses and maybe my readers will find either cool to gaze upon. So um...the premise of today's film did throw me. The title on its own is open to interpretation. This is Eyes of the Werewolf.


Lasik didn't take.












So my Dad speculated it could be mostly in POV, through the wolf's eyes. My thought was we follow his life story and the struggle to curb the beast and hunger for human flesh. Yeah it, um is neither of these.

Director Jeff Leroy (Creepies 2, Werewolf in a Women's Prison, Psychon Invaders and Giantess Attack) helms our story opens with a gaggle of hunters out in the late day for night with a superimposed moon. Moons happen. Quite a bit. Okay yes we are in Indie Horror country so let's not loose our crap. This lot is tracking a werewolf in full wolf-man form and to be fair, he did score two kills. Gored a guy's throat and lightly massaged a guy's neck to death. I realize he was clawing him but it looked like a very dainty hold. The hunters off the supernatural butt sniffer and take his head as they work for an EeeeEeevil scientist, Dr. Atwill (Tim Sullivan of Deadly Tales, Vampyre Femmes, A Passion to Kill, Camp Blood, Camp Blood 2 and Deadly Scavengers) that is harvesting organs. Good thing they went with werewolves and not vampires and zombies. Pretty sure those organs would be useless.

Rich Stevens (Mark Sawyer of Alice, Cheers, Too Smart for Strangers, Scarecrow and Mrs. King, Fraiser, Math Blaster Episode I: In Search of Spot and Alien Force) has blown up his lab and well his eyes. I mean the eye thing is painful but dammit who's paying for all that mess? ME! Taxpayer! Outrageous. He is whisked to the hospital and is given eyes almost immediately. Damn no transplant waiting list or nothing. Now that is service.


Dude is missing out on this killer smile.












Nurse Sondra (Stephanie Beaton of Wicthcraft IX: Bitter Flesh, Zombie Gang Bangers, Witchcraft X: Mistress of the Craft, Monster in My Car, Eyes of the Werewolf, Witchcraft XI: Sisters in Blood and A Passion) is explaining how fortunate Rich is to have recieved these eyes that seem perfect for him. No tissue rejection and all in the green. Hey Rich! GOGGLES! You don't need a grant for those! You can pick up some solid goggles at Home Depot! They are safety rated for volatile chemicals, dude. About 50 bucks.

Also we go right into a love scene with Sondra and Rich. Now logically he has been in the hospital for some time, Sondra no doubt has fallen for this guy and he with her but this is happening from the last scene with the hunters and the werewolf. No real time in the film has lapsed so may have jumped the gun there. So that's about 3 minutes devoted to that with a weird woeful piano score. Not to mention a serious ethics breach for Sondra. You can get fired for that, lady. The sex better be damn impressive. So bliss setting in and Rich seemed to forget he's married. Awkward Coitus? Oh just a touch. Jerk. Using Sondra like that.

Exposition pillow talk elaborates wife Rita (Deborah Huber of Eyes of the Werewolf, Maniacal, Blood Sisters and The Last Ten Seconds) is kind of a bitch. Yeah doesn't visit Rich in the hospital, doesn't even call to see if the transplant went well, should she pick him up from the hospital, does he need any assistance navigating around the house. Nada. Warmth of a bed pan and just as full of it, Rita establishes this huge change in Rich's life was the last straw and beats cheeks. Yeah she is out on the town. Now normally I would be in Rich's corner but he was just sexing it up with Nurse Sondra moments earlier so really can't take the moral high ground, bro.

Rich goes to visit his best friend Craig (Lyndon Johnson of Eyes of the Werewolf, Pleasure Zone Volume – Promiscuous and Some Body), who also didn't visit him the hospital or look in on him at all. Seriously, does Rich have any friends or family that give a crap?


Wanna neck, baby?












With a bit of lipstick faux pas, Rich concludes best buddy and wifeypoo are doing the deed behind his back. Rich gets defensive, flails a cowboy roundhouse and gets knocked on his ass. Yup, he has not been in a fight since Star Trek aired when he was a boy. Full moon occurs and guess who is Rich's first victim? Man, he is going to need some fiber to pass Craig.

With the police hot on the case...like since maybe 9 that morning. Late start I think. Pilates, coffee and bran muffins ain't gonna happen before a homicide investigation, people. That's just science. Lt. Evers (Tarri Markel of Air Marshal, Unstoppable, Criminal Minds, My Mom's New Boyfriend, Intervention and Flu Bird Horror) is hot on the track of the homicide and technically this would probably be written off as animal attack. Cougars, coyotes, mountain lions. They are pretty common, folks. Nope, gotta be murder. By the way, Rich ended up in a field next to a dwarf's house and no that is not a lead in to a Dungeons & Dragons joke. Androse (Kurt Levi of Eyes of the Werewolf) is an expert on the occult and not the tyrannical enemy in Star Fox. He tries to help Rich figure out why his shirt's all torn up and for some reason still has shoes. I mean the feet would expand or bulge, right? Always happened to Dr. Banner via Hulk transformation.

Rich also has an unusual neighbor lurking in his backyard with the name...brace yourselves. Siodmak. Yes that is his name. He seems to be an writer on the occult and supernatural happenings and thank God for that. You want your taxes done or your tires changed by Siodmak? Sounds like a Final Fantasy villain or possibly, Secret of Mana boss. Siodmak claims he saw Rich roaming around as the werewolf and Rich just dismisses him. Gotta say, I agree with Rich. Not the ignorance of wondering if he was a werewolf but the sheer factor a dude named Siodmak gets outside much at all.

Naturally wife is back to be one dimensional bitch again. Yup that always goes well. Just drop her ass off to Crystal Lake, Rich. As a movie monster, you are practically an alumni and Jason will make her death memorable. Most likely impale on a tree stump. With another wolfing out, Androse speculates Rich may be a werewolf.

Will Rich come to terms with his late night murderous ways?? Can he and Sondra have a life together??



Okay typically my readers are expecting me to crucify this film. Something about micro budgets mean start thrashing it. Well, I am not doing that. Instead I will point out some of the highlights.

In spite how we didn't really have alloted time for Rich and Sondra to have a relationship, Stephanie and Mark have good chemistry together. Stephanie can emote and she's got a helluva reaction and scream for crazy werewolf shenanigans. There was a random potential lesbian subplot where Lt. Evers is hitting on Sondra...during the homicide investigation. But it's cool, she said it would be highly unorthodox and unprofessional to make these advances. Yeah it came out of left field leaving me to raise a Spock like eyebrow in utter confusion. The wolf costume isn't bad. A damn sight better than I thought it would be. The blocking around wolf attacks actually worked and it is feasible.

The locations could have tried a bit more. I guess they couldn't film crucial scenes in the hospital, like say an office for some but I scratched my head at that. Borrow an office from a dentist, tax accountant, run down detective agency and just block and don't reveal where you are shooting.


Ultimately I don't what this film is trying to be. Sure Horror but normally a werewolf film is about a victim making victims, the struggle of the two natures: humanity and the beast and well most of these kills were more vengeful than horrific. Is it a tragic tale? Is this a creature feature? Am I putting too much thought into this?


Car trouble?












Rich isn't an interesting enough character to feel more than pity because well the life of a chemist is a loney one. His wife and best friend were total jackasses and he could have a good relationship with Sondra if not for the curse and Lt. Evers trying to butt in with awkward lesbian hints.

Loving the transplant idea and makes you wonder how many lycanthropes the doctor has made by his bumblesome hunters. There are some interesting ideas but not enough screen time to establish all these associations or even causal acquaintances. Still there was story, characters and plot happening. Overall, Stephanie is the name to be watching this for as she busts butt and gives a pretty damn good performance. No, she is not looming over me as I write this with a gun to my head.


Tuesday, April 16, 2019

Abomination: The Evilmaker II


Welcome back gentle readers. Well you got a dose of Indie Horror and to be honest, it wasn't bad. I am intrigued enough to delve further into John Bowker (Platoon of the Dead, Dreamwalkers, Beyond the Lost World: The Alien Conspiracy III, Housebound, The Seekers and Werewolf Tales) and as promised, there is a sequel. This is Abomination: The Evilmaker II a.k.a. Abomination.


They were merely Freshmen...oh wait.












I know, I know, there wasn't enough alternative titles this time around. This time around we catch up from the aftermath of the previous. Rachel (Felicia Pandolfi of The Evilmaker, Dreamwalkers, The Seekers and Bloodsucking Redneck Vampires) reached out with a psychic message (That old chestnut) to her sister Kathy (Kylene Wetherell of Dreamwalkers, Abomination: The Evilmaker II and Housebound), that it took her three days to get there? Were you crossing state lines or time zones, psi-sister? With a few flashbacks in sepia, we know this is images of the past.

Kathy seems to be picking up psychic resonance (vibrations or psychic energy residue of a paranormal activity) in and around the cabin. She is also exhibiting psychometry (The ability to discover facts about events and people by touching objects that were associated with them) as she makes her way into the cabin itself.
Remember, the girls were all here because Rachel thought Serena (Stephanie Beaton of Wicthcraft IX: Bitter Flesh, Zombie Gang Bangers, Witchcraft X: Mistress of the Craft, Monster in My Car, Eyes of the Werewolf, Witchcraft XI: Sisters in Blood and A Passion) had to get out after her divorce, so clearly girls' night or weekend in this case; the mini-van broke down and this was their only port of call.


Mmm, don't like this lip balm.












Over 4 minutes of wandering around the cabin but there seems to be a lack of anything aside from flashbacks. No gore in sight. Kathy heads out to the culvert... of DooOoOOoOm!!

Rachel appears to axe Kathy a question and it was all just a horrible dream. Cue opening credits after 15 minutes in the film. Trying to make sense of her visions, Kathy confronts Mrs. Parker(Betty Griffith of The Evilmaker and Abomination: The Evilmaker II) who will have none of it and blames Rachel for everything. Goth girls: Bringers of Doom as you know.

Ex-Cop Charlie no longer pursuing the case that is months old, he still cannot believe what happened, let alone Kathy's visions. With a bit of Johnny on the Spot exposition we learn that Serena may have gone crackers and is shacked up in the local whacko basket.


Silent Bob's cousin, Sleepy Charles.












Kathy will not be deterred and must find out what truly went on at that house.  Psychic Madam Vladmeria (Shannon Barksdale of Monster in the Garage, Dreamwalkers, Housebound, The Seekers and Bloodsucking Redneck Vampires) and friend Rebecca (Kelly Loux of Abomination: The Evilmaker II) thinks it's a bright idea to break into the cabin house and commune with the spirits. Yeah so you know this is going to go well.  Protection circle looks a little uneven, girls. Just an observation.

Kathy and Charles doing separate investigations as a body count starts building up as Rachel appears to be at the center of it all. Trapped between two realms as well as the paths of light and dark, perhaps Kathy is the only one that can save Rachel.




Upside to having full rights to your own material? Flashback candy, baybee!! Yes, this is handy for when you need to bring story, characters or simply move two stories closer together. Plus Bowker doesn't have to worry about greedy execs demanding more than what is due.

My final thoughts on this? While I really wanted to explore more with Stephanie Beaton's Serena, Kylene Wetherell's performance is sound, the story spirals into more supernatural happenings, the music is well-placed and the body count is as always with sequels higher. We have a decent ghost story in play and plenty to work with in spite of the budget.

Rather than rely heavily on gore gags, we have more camera angles, slight of hand and misdirection which builds better tension in my thinking.

That being said, I am almost wanting to own a copy of this just to re-render it but the pixels are just set too low. Methinks if they had a couple of 4K cameras it wouldn't be so bad. Again nothing wrong with the performances, story or continuation but this camera at such a low digital quality is killing my eyes.

Still my verdict stands, a follow-up to the previous and not too shabby at that. While it is a sequel, it really tries to explore beyond the previous and make its own way.

You kids get out of my yard!!

Monday, April 15, 2019

The Evilmaker


Howdy all. I'm back and want to explore Indie Horror once more. Now, now no need to run for the hills. After all, I am the one viewing this and not you. I found a name at random that sparked neurons in the old coconut. actor/writer/director John Bowker (directing: Dreamwalkers, Beyond the Lost World: The Alien Conspiracy III, Housebound, The Seekers and Werewolf Tales) and it donned on me. Platoon of the Dead.  Yeah that clearly we're college kids shooting with next to no budget, we have stormtrooper blasters and mix and match uniforms we got from Army surplus goodness??   Well he did direct and star in that but I found some Horror with his credentials and I wanted to see if he has the goods. This is The Evilmaker.


Who stole my pants??!!












Now the promo page does look like it was cut with Windows Movie Maker or a decent budgeted porno but let's not be too quick to judge. With intro titles and music we get a tad more melodious and decent font for actors. 3 minutes of wind instruments, piano and credits is a bit long. Sorry I yawned a bit from that.

Our lead character is Serena (Stephanie Beaton of Wicthcraft IX: Bitter Flesh, Zombie Gang Bangers, Witchcraft X: Mistress of the Craft, Monster in My Car, Eyes of the Werewolf, Witchcraft XI: Sisters in Blood and A Passion) has barely escaped an insanely abusive relationship. No really, this guy makes Ike Turner and Mike Tyson seem calm by comparison. With a freak-out light show, a unearthly voice, blood spattered in the house, I'm thinking counseling is just not going to cut it. Was it all just a dream? Nope was three days later.

Cut to Serena hanging out with her friends after her break-up. Oh, now I see. That was eluding to events not yet transpired. Okay. Thought she was dating Ed Gein. No it turns out she just got divorced from an unhappy marriage.


Robert Smith changed my whole life.

 










Serena's mom, Mrs. Parker(Betty Griffith of The Evilmaker and Abomination: The Evilmaker II) is visted by spooky Goth girl Rachel (Felicia Pandolfi of The Evilmaker, Dreamwalkers, The Seekers and Bloodsucking Redneck Vampires) at the request of Serena. Don't worry, Mom. She just has bad poetry, the smell of clove cigarettes and far too many Sisters of Mercy and Cradle of Filth ablums. Besides Rachel is out during the day so we can almost rule out vampire. Unless she's a thousand years old or really good sunblock.

Rachel is getting Serena out of the house, boost her spirits and maybe give her a reason to live. An outing is really what she needs. They're off for a road trip and some time with friends. Snagging friends Tyler (Dori Schwartz of Monster in My Car, The Evilmaker and The Seekers) and Cindy (Arlene Henry of Monster in My Car, The Evilmaker and Abomination: The Evilmaker II) so it's a girls' weekend. Could hit a bar and scoop up some boys. Maybe just zone out on some films. Could invoke a cacophony of spirits from an book bound in human flesh and inked in human blood. Sky's the limit. What? It's Horror and that leaves a pantheon of scenarios that can and will happen.

Yes male sexist readers, there's nudity. God forbid you be here for the plot.

Naturally the minivan craps out so it's off the highway and on a near deserted gravel road. Yeah because those treks always pan out well.   Just walk back the highway, let Serena flash some leg at the vehicles, you'll be at a garage and tow in no time.  They dink with the Mystery Machine for a spell but none of them know if it threw a rod, if it needs oil or hell maybe a belt broke.

Serena hears a voice from nowhere calling her name and is reasonably creeped out by it, so off to hang with the girls in their time of crisis. Time lapse and clearly they are tired of waiting for a good samaritan. You'd think there would be a perv in a muscle car at least offering Serena and Rachel a ride in multiple meanings.


The Dungeon Master feels you took too many snacks!!

The girls hoof it for a spell when Rachel hears the voices. To be fair, they may just be in her head but I am thinking otherworldly. I'm be packing cold iron and salt for my next road trip. Maybe some silver as well. Voices from the culvert aside, they better make tracks before the sun dips down or travel will be even more difficult. None of them are packing water, flashlights or even an emergency road kit. Don't mock those kits by the way. They have at least some road flares. Magnesium burns is probably going to hurt a lot.

With a bit of walking, the girls find a cabin with plumbing, electricity and being the good girls they are, they just break-in. WHAT??!!!

Yup, enjoy their booze, sleep in their beds and have a bath or two. Um, I really hope the three bears come home and straighten them out. Stephanie Beaton and Felicia Pandolfi's performances really stand out and they are busting ass in scenes so yeah. Not bad at all.



Topping off at 97 minutes, there is room for improvement, sure but not a huge amount. Director may consider wireless mics for the actors to wear, blocking needs a bit of work and exterior shots do seem to last longer.
Overall with a limited budget, this is mostly location based and the abandoned house works well enough. Music score provided by Tim Brassfield sets good tone. The girls give off the vibe of being creeped out. I would say at least two cameras and a shotgun mic would help as well. Other than that, you got a creepy film that you let unfold and you might just enjoy it. Yes there is a sequel and yeah I just might review that as well. 

C'mon Garner. Where are you?