Hey gang I'm back again. So with the
more than positive responses to Stephanie Beaton and her films, I was
looking high and low for another one. Heck if the actress herself
doesn't think this writing is a complete dumpster fire, I might as
well keep going. So I did make mention of going further into her
sequels to beloved cult classic franchise and yeah some have been
utterly screwy. This time around we change location as Lutz
(Stephanie Beaton) has been whisked away to Jolly Ol' England
(Yes everyone across the pond probably hate that term) and
must do battle with vampires...again. This is Witchcraft X: Mistress of the
Craft.
Be honest, do you like my Sailor Mercury outfit? |
Dumb horny guys try to pick up women
vastly more than they and looking to get lucky. Fellas, your dangers
senses should be kicking in. This club is packed and there are bound
to be better looking guys than either of you. Led to a stairwell
and the women turn out to be vampires. When they are trying to drain
the guys, they're making out with each other. This feels like how a
horny fan boy thinks bisexuality works.
Okay for the fans of this series, a few
notations. 1) No Will Spanner. Yup everyone's favorite
warlock/attorney/occult expert is not in this one. 2) Lucy Lutz
(Stephanie Beaton of Wicthcraft IX: Bitter Flesh, Zombie Gang
Bangers, Witchcraft X: Mistress of the Craft, Monster in My Car, Eyes
of the Werewolf, Witchcraft XI: Sisters in Blood and A Passion)
is on the trail of a madman sorcerer hell bent on ruling the world
and he likes killing people. 3) Lastly, no Detective Garner so Lutz
is on her own.
Steve was found lightly groped to death. Poor bastard. |
This mad sorcerer is Hyde (Kerry
Knowlton of Exposed! Pro Wrestling's Greatest Secrets, Immortal
Combat and Witchcraft X: Mistress of the Craft) is being held
by Bureau 17, a division of Interpol that deals with supernatural and preternatural effects, scenarios and creatures.
Now with those comments out of the way,
welcome to London as Lucy Lutz has to deal with Interpol over an evil
and cruel practitioner of magic she is suppose to extradite back to
the states so he can face his crimes and probably the death penalty.
I'm hoping for the wet maritime rope whipping scenario from Casino
Royale. By the way, Lutz has about two bags packed. She's supposed
to be there for maybe a couple of days. Agent Dixon (Sean
Harry of Virtual Terror, Witchcraft X: Mistress of the Craft, Those
Video Guys and Talking Who) has been assigned to Detective
Lutz and the two try to bond while he's driving her. HOWEVER, the
audio quality is AWFUL. Yeah I had to put headphones on just to
hear it better. I don't think the music portion was added at the
same time as the dialogue and it is mixed poorly. The music is
dominating the scenes. Hence the headphones. Outdoor audio not
fully fading so it just pops and then back to the next scene. I will
have your spleen, audio editor!
The main focus of the movie is Agent
Celeste Sheridan (Wendy Cooper of Breeders, Witchcraft X;
Mistress of the Craft, 24 Hours in London, Blood, Bodywork, Warrior
Sisters and The Rain Has Stopped) has other worldly powers.
Not sure if this is from another dimension, aliens or possibly an
avatar of an ancient god. She also goes through a transformation not
unlike Sailor Moon aaaand she's a cop. Well that's not confusing at
all. Witch Cop! Agent Sorceress! Meh, this joke going nowhere.
A cadre of bisexual vampire vixens led
by Raven (Eileen Daily of Razor Blade Smile, Sacred Flesh,
Cradle of Fear, Kannibal, Sentinels of Darkness, Machines of Love
and Hate, Evil Calls: The Raven and Albion Rising)head into
the precinct, attack several of the agents and take Hyde. Maybe
omnisexual vampires is more accurate. The greatest loss of them all,
Steve. Uh the front desk guy. The lynch pin, the glue that held
Bureau 17 together... yeah okay he really wasn't that important but
dammit someone needs to mourn Steve. I think.
No Lutz, no. That's how Steve always wanted to go out. |
Now once again I warm my pimp slap hand
when the writer makes Lutz suddenly startled and confused that the
supernatural exists. She claims to have been chasing Hyde, sees dead
cultists and alleged vampire attacks. Um she's already dealt with
this with cultists and vampires prior. C'mon writer, either watch
the previous movie to borrow elements from it or get the screenplay.
Continuity, dammit. Just let's not
make Lutz forget all she has already learned.
Director/writer/producer Elisar
Cabrera (Demonsoul,
Virtual Horror, Witchcraft X: Mistress of the Craft, FWA British
Uprising and Those Video Guys)
made Lutz a secondary character in this to showcase Celeste more.
Raven
wants Hyde to bring about a demon, god or possibly a being over an
outside realm. Did I mention some of this is hard to hear? Only Hyde
has the ability to read this ancient tomb about the Walpurgis (or
Valpurgis) ritual to give
Raven UNLIMTED POWER!!! Y'know, that old chestnut. Now given this
guy is a wrestler, the dialogue isn't so far fetched for his
overacting but wow. That tank top he is wearing just not flattering.
The cut of it makes it look like the guy has a beer and a shot
belly.
Senpai, NOTICE MEEEEE!!!!! |
Celeste
seems to have telekinesis, power bolts and think some flight.
Her...fighting capabilities is well a bit of sword fighting and some
fisticuffs. Though her telekinetic powers seems to lift Just Juice.
And English, what in the nine hells is Fairy Liquid? Guessing a
dish washing liquid or a creamer? Meh, I'll look it up later.
Dixon
and Lutz got close quickly after the first vampire attack as they had
each others' back. So I guess that means have a hot bath and a shag.
Hmm what happens in London, stays in London? Just she didn't want
to stay in her hotel room? Hey not going to judge the lady, I was
just curious.
Hyde
and Raven do chew up quite a bit of the scenery between them, leaving
walls sparse.
Even
for an Indie Horror movie, scenes dissolve real quick, the editing
feels abrupt, the audio quality is choppy and there are several
scenes not cut properly. FX is fair, the verbal sparring between
Raven and Celeste is on par with a superhero flick, so that's nothing
bad. Just wanted to see more of Lutz as she is already a bad ass
character and given she is the only one that ties the original
series, I was hoping she had lead on this.
Eileen
Daily is clearly having fun with her role as lead vampiress and I
love how NO ONE questions Celeste's vinyl Sailor Moon like outfit and
stiletto heels. Here at Bureau 17 we are a bit lax with dress code,
old bean.
Good
staking scenes and no one-liners? Here's yer stake dinner! Got
wood? Start your own branch! Guess you won't be pining for
Valpuris! Okay so maybe not a one-liner then.
Well
the full skinny, finally out of California, decent enough story ideas
without the full range of technical know how. Needs more than one
camera and understanding of blocking and firing the tone deaf audio
editor. Beaton is enjoying herself and gets a lot more to do.
Vampire slaying for example! Hell if she never wanted to go back to
Cali, Bureau 17 has more than a few openings, thanks to vamps. The
root of all evil. Yes, got one more in.
Vamp nibbling...apparently. Whatever. |