After School Massacre

And I am back again. Hold your applause. So random fan requests seems to be the order of the day introducing me to Indie Horror director Jared Masters (Climb It, Tarzan, 8 Reels of Sewage, Hollywood a GoGo, Slink, Deadly Punkettes, Club Lingerie, Ballet of Blood and Amethyst). Not sure if this will be Cheerleader Camp gore/ T&A levels or if I am dwindling into Zombie Doom Andreas Schnaas territory. I have a brief stint of his filmography that IMDB has and you know how accurate they are. (Spoiler! They declared George Romero dead five times prior his actual death) So howzabout a slasher flick of a teacher gone crackers and stalking helpless girly girls in their panties? No? Too bad. This is After School Massacre.a.k.a. A Teacher's Day Massacre a.k.a. Blood School a.k.a. Teacher's Day

Jess, are your boobs real?

Ohhh, it has Alternative Titles so yeah I get it now. Cause I do that gag every so often throughout the years. We open with an exterior night shot and then into a slumber party? K. Well I don't see any cheerleaders thus far but they could be out of uniform. While the better chunk of this slumber party are bouncing on the beds and have a good old time, one girl Erica (Abby Summers of After School Massacre) calls her ex and gives a death declaration. Apparently he was a real douche, heart breaker and in dire need of being castrated. What a Debbie Downer, Erica! So a handful of pills and bathroom crash later, the party is kinda done.

Cut to a series of school notebook notes as our credits unfolding, what sounds like a Casio keyboard test beat and ADR of some of the girls channeling Valley Girl and...well it was actual clever for an intro.

Mr. Andersen (Bruce Kade of Angel of Death, Betrayal and After School Massacre) lays down the law and one rule most of all, no beanies. Yeah guess the kids can smoke crack or shoot heroin directly in an eyeball but absolutely NO HATS! Jess (Savannah Matlow of After School Massacre) wants her hat back and her friend Devon (Nikole Howell of Diary of a Black Widow, Slapped!, The Studio Club and American Poltergeist) wants to know why Mr Andersen is undressing her with his eyes but won't accept her friend request. OMG Mr. Andersen, what is your damage? Ugh, slay in my sleep if I write like this again. Yes these girls are that petty and arrogant, they are looking to get him fired. Instilling values, concepts and ideals is a wee bit challenging when their noses are buried in chats, tweets and texts.

Yeah baby I respect ya and crap. You do anal?

 

Even his co-worker Kara (Kelly De Vries of Camp Little Creek, After School Massacre and Deadly Punkettes) has similar problems and Teacher Day may be a holiday but plenty of papers to grade and students to scar for life. Dean Wheatley (Art Roberts of Parasites, Home Video, Good Twenty, The Book of Ten Years, Garden Party Massacre, Absolute Vow and The Big Noir) has heard the water cooler talk, knows the skinny and has to let Andersen go because of the impeding scandal he could cause...for telling one of his students her outfit was a bit short and she can attract creepers. I think I would have heard his argument better if the boom mic hadn't captured the hum of the fluorescent overhead lights. Seriously I wasn't even wearing my headphones and it is just vibrating so loudly.

The evening mail is murder!

From dedicated teacher to spree killer we fade to next scene and get a dose of exposition to Mr. Anderson's whereabouts. Of course the cops are flat out incompetent finding him. Think Angel City via Black Scorpion. Those bumbling jackasses. I'm kidding, mere hours have gone by, so I guess he hid the bodies and the same batch of girls are having another slumber party regardless of suicide girl Erica. So rude of her gacking herself during their party. Yup some real sweet kids.

Big sister to Jess, Dee Dee (Simone Wasserman of Waterfront Nightmare, Glimpse, Bliss and Cicada) managed to land her the alpha male jagoff. Yup wandering eye doesn't even cover it as he is constantly eye banging Jess and her "hot friends" and has serious issues eyeballing their mom. Dee Dee Darlin' super glue is cheap and effective. Seal all the holes God gave this moron. I got the biggest smile when Ms. Perkins was Dawna Lee Heising of Meathook Massacre II. Yeah I adore her.

The sum up vibe of this film feels like if you combined Mean Girls, House on Sorority Row and add a dash of Prom Night and you have your film.

Quick couple of side notes here. Aside from the lovely and talented Dawna Lee Heising and TV personality Mindy Robinson, I didn't know a blessed thing of the rest of the cast until I mildly recognized Officer Harris(Steve Crest) from John Dies at the End. So I looked up his filmography and notice a few choice films with a more...shall we say NC-17 standing. Here are just a few titles of his Adult filmography I felt were funny and PG enough for me to list on this blog.

Too Big for Teens 7

Office Perverts 7

Boffing the Babysitter 10

Latin Adultry 14

Naught Nanny 3

Big Breast Nurses 5

and

Busty Bartenders

The other ones that made me laugh, well they're really not up for print on a fairly kid friendly blog.

At the end of the day, no this is not a new formula as our killer enraged is moving into Vorhees' style of kills, the kids aren't really that sharp and gore is the order of the segments. I do wonder what was up with the synthesizer soundtrack that sounded like a gathering of 12 year old boys holding a farting contest and creating about 3 loops. Our kills are creative, the cast is all doing their job and there is a tad bit of over acting but it really works for the sub-genre of slasher film. Mild to next to no nudity. Brave move there, director. All in all, this is solid work, good technical and decent Indie horror. Let's get Jared some more work and money!!

Oh my, however will they pay for that pizza? Bow chicka chicka wew wew!!