The Satanic Rites of Dracula

Hey gang. Sorry for the substantial delay. Between a hasty move, loading that away in a storage unit and some family emergency hospital stays, well I have been busy. So today, totally up my alley we go back to the Hammer Productions in the far away time of 1974 and yet IMDB swears it to be 1978.

We see how that lineage of Van Helsing is coping with its ancient evil nemesis, Dracula himself. As luck would have it, it is also (All together now!) has alternative titles. Sharpen those stakes, have holy water at the ready and prepare for the groovin' seventies. This is The Satanic Rites of Dracula.

Count Dooku?  RUUUUUUUUNNN!!!!

With a myriad of alternative titles such as: Count Dracula and His Vampire Bride, Dracula Is Alive and Well and Living in London, Dracula Is Dead...and Well and Living in London, Dracula and His Brides and Rites of Dracula. Yes, once again this still holds sway that all that is black arts, necromancy, demonic incantations automatically gets lumped into witchcraft. There's a difference, writers. It's called research. Try it.   Really makes you feel for the Wicca of the world.  Just worshiping elements and bestowing common decency.

Anywho, a gathering of black art practitioners have gotten around the man cave to resurrect Dracula (Sir Christopher Lee of The Blood of Dracula, The Hound of the Baskervilles, The Wicker Man, Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring and Star Wars: Attack of the Clones) have a standard white goat (Human sacrifice) at the ready to bring the awesome malefic vampire back. Something about a demon god assisting in this as well. They are kind of all over the map. A collective of prominent citizens strive to bring back the dark prince to usher in a new era.

Meanwhile in an adjacent room, some poor fellow is being held against his will by what looks like roadies for Bread. After a brief strangling and gimping his way out of the manor, he gets sped away in a car to Scotland Yard, where his report tells of these untouchable men and women in society could be engaging in blood rites and ancient practices that defy God.  Hmm sounds like Scientology to me. 

And that's when I dropped the occult and went into folk dancing.

Hehe, moving on. Inspector Murray (Michael Coles of Doctor Who and the Daleks, The Avengers, Department S, Dracula A.D. 1972, The Sweeney and Pie in the Sky) of Dracula '72 has worked with a an expert of the occult (sadly no it is not Damian Hellstrom, my Marvel fans) but none other than a Lorimar Van Helsing (Peter Cushing of The Curse of Frankenstein, Horror of Dracula, The Legend of the 7 Golden Vampires, The Ghoul, Land of the Minotaur, Shock Waves and The Uncanny) to aid in their endeavors and shed some much needed light on the subject.

Listening in his study Lormiar takes note of all the undercover agent has witnessed and fears for us all. Quick FYI, his granddaughter Jessica has timelady regenerated from Stephanie Beacham to Absolutely Fabulous's Joanna Lumley. Oh sure we could just say the actress was replaced but that's no fun at all.

With the combination of Scotland Yard and Helsing, they find out that one of the five men that was photographed is Professor Keeley (Freddie Jones of Dune, Krull, The Elephant Man, The Count of Monte Cristo and Emmerdale) who deals with virulent diseases pointing to a plague of biblical porportions. Inspector Murray and Jessica are looking over land deeds and noticing a building owned by a D.D. Denham, a wealthy individual that is a recluse, never seen in the light of day....hmmm...

Worse Craigslist orgy...ever.

Further investigations to the Pellham House where they discover what can only be described as a harem of vampire wenches. Yeah almost as someone is building a cadre of lethal lovelies.

Can this mean that Dracula has returned and if so, why does he do business with mortal men when he can pretty much take whatever he wants with a bit of mind control? I mean Lord of the Vampires is a fairly hefty title right? Something rotten in the as they find the headquarters Denham is a new building erected over the very church Dracula died two years prior. Helsing is convinced something is afoot and proceeds to take measures but can he do it in time before the Sabbat of the Undead takes place? Why does this feel a bit convoluted? What is the mystery of Sasquatch?

For the record, this isn't a bad follow-up to Dracula A.D. 1972 but it wasn't as clever. It had some cloak and dagger elements but it really just seemed like the aristocracy dealing with the lowly peasants and hoped that Dracula would not turn on them.  Perhaps they have been mesmerized to do Dracula's bidding.   A fun piece to be sure but you have to be a Hammer fan and not a causal viewer. Course by that same standing if you are just now diving into Hammer Dracula, why the hell would you start this far into the series?

You see the arse on Lumley? Damn.

The Original: The Wicker Man

Oh God the bees!!! Yeah we will not be sitting through any deleted scenes made famous via Youtube. I could not endure that at all. Today's film was made superior thanks to its remake with Nicholas Cage in what felt like a picture by numbers story telling. Instead we have an eerie film wrought with danger, suspense and the unknown. This is The Wicker Man.

The summer stock play of George Orwell's Animal Farm.

Made in 1973 and directed by Robin Hardy (The Wicker Man, The Fantasist and the Wicker Tree) and written by screenwriter Anthony Shaffer (Frenzy, Sleuth, The Wicker Man, Death on the Nile, Absolution, Evil Under the Sun, Appointment with Death and Sommersby) our strange little tale begins with the disappearance of a young girl named Rowan Morrison (Gerry Cowper of Bachelor Father, Frenzy, General Hospital, Telford's Change, Two People, Little Lord Fauntleroy, The Bill and EastEnders). Assigned to the case is one Sergeant Howie (Edward Woodward of Sitting Target, Callan, 1990, The Equalizer, Over My Dead Body, Common As Muck, Crusade, CI5: The New Professionals, Hot Fuzz and EastEnders) as he received an anonymous letter so he heads to the Scottish isle of Sumerisle. Being a devote Christian, this island seems to take in pagan rituals of the early Celtic gods which apparently include making love in open fields, celebrating the Summer solstice with May Day traditions dancing, singing and placing toads in the mouths of children to cure sore throats.

Dear, stop whistling to the Hymns.

If he wasn't weirded out by all that going on, Howie seems to be hitting a brick wall with the islanders as no one seems to know of any Rowan including her own mother May (Irene Sunters of This Man Craig, Five Red Herrings, The Camerons, High Road, Shadow of the Stone, The Steamie, Taggart and The Crow Road) is either misdirecting him, interfering with his investigation or just in general behaving absolutely loony. Staying at the Green Man Inn, The good sergeant notices a collection of photos on the wall celebrating the annual harvest always with a young gilr referred as the May Queen. The most recent celebration's photo is oddly enough missing. Howie questions the landlord Aldar (Lindsay Kemp of The Vampire Lovers, Savage Messiah, The Stud, Sebastiane, Valentino and Jubilee) who gives the all too quick response of the picture frame broke and he has been meaning to replace it. To throw Howie further off the scent, the landlord's daughter Willow (Britt Ekland of The Night They Raided Minsky's, Get Carter, The Wicker Man, The Man with the Golden Gun, Fantasy Island, Erotic Images, Love Scenes, Fraternity Vacation, Beverly Hills Vamp, Cold Heat, Superboy and The Children) clumsily tries to seduce Howie but he spurns her advances. Not to be detered from the truth, Howie speaks with the island's leader and spiritual guide Lord Summerisle (Sir Christopher Lee of Horror of Dracula, The Hound of the Baskervilles, The City of the Dead, Sherlock Holmes and the Deadly Necklace, Horror Express, The Three Musketeers, The Man with the Golden Gun, Gremlins 2: The New Batch and Sleepy Hollow) and it is at this point Howie's danger sense should be kicking in.

Be honest.  This isn't my best wig, is it?

C'mon dude! This cat is 6'5", with a baritone voice and was Dracula, Frankenstein's monster, a Sith Lord and Saruman!!! Bad juju ahead!!! Howie may have been distracted with the likes of the local librarian played by Ingrid Pitt (Where Eagles Dare, The Vampire Lovers, Countess Dracula, The House That Dripped Blood, Doctor Who, The House, Bones, Underworld and The Asylum) running around ancient stones buck bare but this is only an educated guess.

Will Howie get to the bottom of this?? Is the entire island completely crackers?? Can you trust a land ruled by Christopher Lee??

From music, production to performance, this is a genuinely creepy film and its remake is a pale comparison. It is almost as if the original source material was slightly glossed over but we will make an island ran by women and the menfolk NEVER rise up and fight?   Whereas this story, the entire town seems off, mysterious and downright just spooky as Hell. A fair degree of nudity, horror erotica and creepy ass dream sequences, so you may want to skip letting the kids watch.

Keep in mind this is one of the better Horror movies I have seen in a while. The plot is solid, the story disentangles at a nice leisurely pace and the orchestral music sends shivers up and down your spine. Spoiler! There is no CGI bees added into cleaning up the print. I know. I too was disappointed.

You takin' the piss, Guv?

Sir Christopher Lee Week: The Three Musketeers

Welcome back fans of Lee to Day 4 of Sir Christopher Lee Week. Didn't get a lot of love for The Howling II: Your Sister Is a Werewolf and well... I really can't blame you. It is a crap film and should be avoided at all costs unless you like anamorphic, piss poor SFX and large Sybil Danning breasts. So I chose a film filled with history, swordplay and swashbuckling. Yes, I am attempting to bribe you all in order to get in your good graces. Based on novelist Alexandre Dumas finer creations comes the 1973 version. This is The Three Musketeers.

Few are as dashing as I.

As the usual telling of the tale our film follows young D'Artangan (Michael York of Logan's Run, Knots Landing, The Lady and the Highwayman, The Return of the Musketeers, Eline Vere and Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery) who arrives in Paris with dreams of being a musketeer and serving the king. Little side note, I have never seen a Frenchman aside from Gerard Depardieu in The Man in the Iron Mask play a musketeer. Moving right along, as a country lad and unfamiliar with city customs our young lad find himself slapped about, insulted and robbed by the Comte de Rochefort (Christopher Lee).

Going downhill from there, D'Artagan directly challenges each musketeer to a duel due to some insult or accident or in general a faux-pa. As the duel begins, Jussac of the Cardinal Richelieu's guards along with five other swordsmen demands the immediate surrender of their commissions and blades. Athos (Oliver Reed of R3, The Jokers, The Assassination Bureau, The Big Sleep, Gor, Hired to Kill and Gladiator), Porthos (Frank Finlay of The Three Musketeers, The Four Musketeers, A Christmas Carol, Lifeforce and The Pianist) and Aramis (Richard Chamberlain of Dr. Kildare, Centennial, Shogun, King Solomon's Mines, The Bourne Identity and The Return of the Musketeers) feel the need to decline. D'Artagan fights along side the musketeers as they endeavor to end the power held over their king by the Cardinal (Charlton Heston of Arrowhead, Touch of Evil, Ben-Hur, The Ten Commandments, Planet of the Apes and Soylent Green).

Wow, Street Fighter's Sagat has really changed his look.

The juvenile bladesmaster finds comfort and solace in the arms of his landlord's wife Constance de Bonacieux (Raquel Welch of Fantastic Voyage, One Million Years, B.C., Fahtom, 100 Rifles, Bluebeard, Spin City and American Family) the Queen Anna's (Geraldine Chaplin of Doctor Zhivago, Rasputin, Stress Is Three, Love on the Ground, The Return of the Musketeers, Just Run! and The Hidden) dressmaker and closest confidante. The former lover of the queen, the Duke of Buckingham (Simon Ward of Young Winston, The Three Musketeers, Zulu Dawn, Judge John Deed and The Tudors) humbly asks for a token to remember her by when she hands over a priceless necklace with twelve diamonds in setting to him. The Cardinal decides to make the Queen appear to be in league with the Duke by asking the king to host a ball in the queen's honor so she may display her lovely necklace for all the court to see. Can the musketeers recover the necklace and save face for the queen? Will the Cardinal send his minions to dispatch them?

A few facts on the movie.

Swordmaster/ fight choreographer William Hobbs had to stage all the fight scenes by working both individually with each swordsman as well as orchestrate the blocked scenes with cinematographer/ director of photography David Watkins to make certain their form was correct and no injuries occurred but accidents will happen as Oliver Reed was severely injured during the windmill duel scene and almost died when he was stabbed in the throat. Thank God for good health care.

Originally it was said that the Beatles would play the Musketeers as their main director Richard Lester was on-board but the producers felt the Beatles would be too much of their own personality and not be appropriate for the characters. Charlton Heston was offered a role as one of the Musketeers as Aramis or Porthos but he felt the role was too physically demanding and chose to play the villain for a change.   

Dammit all!  We ran into the credits!

Sir Christopher Lee Week: The Howling II: Your Sister Is a Werewolf

Welcome back ladies and gentlemen for Day 3 of Sir Christopher Lee Week. Well it pains me to say that every so often even a great actor such as the gentleman of the week does find himself in the occasional stinker. Sayth whaaaaaat??? Surely not, Jake. Alas my readers it is so. Normally I do not sully a good man's work in this case, this particular flick has an cult following for some of the bizarre alterations to the mythos, the ever screaming, gun blasting Reb Brown and the voluptuous Sybil Danning. This is Howling II: Your Sister Is a Werewolf.

No, no. Not Dracula this time around.

Attempting to directly follow the original (by the way, this is the only sequel in the series that bothers with that notion.) after the death of Karen White, who morphed on film and then her was shot during broadcast, her funeral is being attended by her brother... who was never mentioned in the previous film. Ben White (Reb Brown of Yor, the Hunter from the Future, Uncommon Valor, Space Mutiny, Big Wednesday, The Cage, Captain America, Captain America II: Death Too Soon, The Cage II and Night Claws) is a big, beefy guy that doesn't even know why his sister was murdered and somehow the station hushed up the whole on-air murder. Grief stricken Benis visited by his sister's colleague Jenny (Annie McEnroe of The Hand, Beetlejuice, Wall Street and True Stories) and an imposing man known as Stefan (Christopher Lee) who presents Ben with a video of her on-air transmografication and execution. Apparently they could not get the rights to Joe Dante's original footage so they had the re-create the wolfing out and it is MOST DEFINITELY not Rick Baker's brilliant transformation SFX and not even Dee Wallace of the original. The actress looks like a wookie getting pissed off and then splattered in her chair.

Ben calls BS and well I am inclined to agree. Stefan assures Ben that now that her body is ready to be placed in the ground she will no doubtlessly have the silver removed from her corpse and rise from beyond the grave... like she was a vampire. He furthermore tells Ben he will stake his dead sister... like a vampire and Ben storms off in a huff. Sheesh, who hasn't lost a loved one to a strange supernatural occurrence? At the mortuary, Stefan preps to stake away when Ben sneaks out of the shadows with a shotgun pointed at our 6'5 hero. It looks like curtains for Stefan when suddenly werewolves (kinda) appear at the mortuary and ambush the both of them. Ben blasts a few in his typical Reb Brown shouty way and Stefan still does in faux Karen.

Yeah the two reasons Sybil Danning got this part.

According to Stefan, only titanium can do in these particular werewolves that hail from Transylvania... like vampires. And suddenly silver, the basis of most werewolf mythos has been tossed aside for titanium??? Stefan warns Ben and Jenny that an ancient immortal vampire er um werewolf is poised to dominate the Earth unless they put a stop to it. Because Seal Team 3 through 6 were not available that day. Our immortal Striba (Sybil Danning of The Lady in Red Kills Seven Times, The Night of the Askari, Meteor, Chained Heat, Hercules, and Halloween) is not only a werewolf but a sorceress as well and has kept the town in fear feeds from young girls to replenish her beauty and strength...like a vampire again!!!   Will Stefan and gang arrive in time to do in this foul creature of the night? Why the hell is silver not an option? What's with the creepy dwarf? Dear God how many nude scenes are in this?

Quick few comments on the film.

Being cast for Gremlins 2: The New Batch, Lee apologized to Joe Dante who helmed the original The Howling for starring in its less than stellar sequel. Lee went for the role as he had not been in a werewolf movie... and I feel he still hadn't. This movie was released during the early 80s werewolf craze like: Wolfen, Full Moon Hight, Teen Wolf, The Company of Wolves and of course An American Werewolf in London.

The pee wee puppet heads for the creatures look as though they were filmed on a sound stage and then edited in with the odd paw to swing at the actors. The transformations are laughable, the plot weak and the mythos mangled. The only thing I really enjoyed out of this movie was the soundtrack written and performed by Stephen Parsons and the Punk Group Babel. Way too much boobage for the kiddies and I guess the violence but not so much for the blood and gore.

Werewolf or Cornelius from Planet of the Apes??

Sir Christopher Lee Week: The Horror of Dracula

Welcome back for Day 2 of Sir Christopher Lee Week. As mentioned prior the man of the week had more than a few reoccurring appearances with his main character. Harken back to 1958 when Dracula was tall, majestic and all the while vicious and one would dare say brutal. So grab your crucifix, holy water and a few stakes. This is the Horror of Dracula.

Do I have something on my chin?

Veteran Hammer Film Director Terrence Fisher (The Curse of Frankenstein, Horror of Dracula, The Revenge of Frankenstein, The Hound of the Baskervilles, and The Man Could Cheat Death) brings in my humble opinion a timeless tale of the misdeeds of the Lord of the Vampires. We open with our movie on Jonathan Harker (John Van Eyssen of Chance Meeting, Four Sided Triangle and Quartermass 2) a mind mannered librarian arriving in Transylvania to catalog Count Dracula’s extensive library but in fact is to investigate Count Dracula (Christopher Lee of Horror of Dracula, The Three 
Musketeers, The Man with the Golden Gun, Dracula and Son and Star Wars: Episode II- Attack of the Clones) and the possible link he has with a cult of vampirism. Soon after encountering one of Dracula’s brides, Harker is determined to rid the world of this undead monster, manages to stake the girl but is thereby angered Dracula and is slain by him.

Almost certain that is not how to perform the Heimlich maneuver.

Doctor Van Helsing (Peter Cushing of The Curse of Frankenstein, The Abominable Snowman, The Hound of the Baskervilles, The Brides of Dracula, Dr. Who and the Daleks, Star Wars: Episode IV- A New Hope and Shock Waves) arrives in Transylvania in search of the whereabouts of his associate; only to find Harker had been made a vampire and he slew his former colleague. He finds a few detailed clues that Dracula has vacated the country in search for Harker’s fiancé, Lucy. Desperate to catch the fiend before he has the girl under his spell, Helsing rushes back to London in the hopes that he can end Dracula’s tyranny of terror.

How about some groovy facts on the film. 

Christopher Lee had 13 lines in this movie, then it was snarls and slapping people about.

  Peter Cushing gets top billing but appears 25 minutes into the movie.   An unusual move for the director but I am not  judging.    On several occasions Lee complained about his contact lenses that were there for effect to shock and awe the audience but they were the hardened lenses  and colored so he couldn't always see and he missed the vampire woman a few times trying to grasp her.

What can I say about this movie? Well it is one of the Technicolor greats. Filmed in standard 35mm stock and has two very distinguished British actors Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee. The film has a good pace and does not leave much time to moll over scene to scene. The wide angle shots of the castle’s interior will astound you. The musical score in junction with the exterior castle shots and even those of the graveyard just sends mild chills down the spine. The fog on the graveyard followed by the orchestration just sets the tone of this movie. Lee’s portrayal of Dracula is one of elegance and object cruelty. Cushing is steadfast as a hero and you get the feeling would sacrifice his own life to end Dracula.

Sorry gore fans this is not that messy for you but I think the plot and performances should make up for that. As for the rest of you that may have grown up on these films as well as your children did. Pop it in your DVD player and give it the love it deserves.

HICKEY ATTACK!!!!

Sir Christopher Lee Week: The Man with the Golden Gun

Welcome one and all to Day 1 of Sir Christopher Lee Week. With the roles of wretched scum and villainy, I thought we would start the week off with a memorable character other than Dracula. Yeah way to branch out I know. The fact that I have reviewed almost all of his portrayals of said character might have been a definitive role in this review but let that not bother you. Instead, I felt a particular Bond villain might just be the ticket to kick this week off right. That being said, Bond is led to believe he is being targeted by the world's most expensive assassin and must get the jump on him before he succeeds in killing Bond. This is The Man with the Golden Gun.

Light Cotton Polyester Blend: Beloved by hit men all over the world.

A million dollars buys a fair amount but one transaction you may not have considered is a hit-man giving you piece of mind. Saramanga (Christopher Lee of Horror of Dracula, The Private Life of Sherlock Holmes, Umbracle, The Satanic Rites of Dracula, The Wicker Man, The Three Musketeers, Gremlins 2: The New Batch, Ivanhoe, Soul Music and GoldenEye: Rogue Agent) an accomplished marksman created by the KGB is said to require only one shot to complete his contract.

A fellow double 0 turns up dead and Scaramanga is laid the blame with the caliber comes out as gold. Bond (Roger Moore of Ivanhoe, The Saint, Maverick, The Persuaders!, Live and Let Die, The Sea Wolves and Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore) is on assignment to find out what brings an assassin out of the shadows. A golden bullet is delivered to MI6 as a warning to Bond or perhaps a challenge? A brillant new solar power cell called the solex agitator draws in more solar power than any before and could be the next step into eliminating the need for fossil fuels and uranium deposits. Gibson, the scientist trying to give this to MI6 fails to deliver when he is shot by Scaramanga on Bond's watch.

Your timing is appalling.

Assuming all along the target was Bond, Gibson is shot straight through the heart causing instant death. The caliber is identical as the previous of an unusual caliber meaning a superior craftsman made this firearm giving Bond the first lead in his mission. Following a girl that is meant to pick up bullets from the gunsmith to Hong Kong he begins to find out just what sort of a man his opponent is and the drive and ambition he possesses. Will Bond be able to stop this assassin? Can Scaramanga convince Bond to join him in the same line of work?

A few fun facts on the film.

While shooting in Thailand the cast and crew were put up at one of the local bordellos. When going to Johnny Carson Show, Christopher Lee had his Golden Gun confiscated by US Customs until they were certain it was not a real lethal weapon. Christopher Lee wore full body makeup to give off the appearance of a tan.

Herve' Villechaize (Nick Nack) commented to Roger Moore that he could never get a hotel room above the first floor. Baffled at this, Moore asked him why when Villechaize responded with couldn't reach the buttons in the elevator.

I can explain the twin Chinese girls, sir.

Sir Christopher Lee Week

Hello folks. As many of you are aware, the last of the Hammer Film men, Sir Christopher Lee is no longer among us. From his humble days as an office clear in shipping companies until 1941 when he enlisted in Royal Air Force during World War II. Lee began training as an actor receiving an assortment of bit parts in Corridor of Mirrors in 1948 and Laurence Olivier's Hamlet in which he starred along side his future friend and soon-to-be partner in Hammer Films Peter Cushing. Both of them also appeared in Moulin Rogue.

Keith Richards...today.

With parts in TV and Film, Lee's greatest challenge was being much taller than most of the leading men in the business and looking too "foreign". Yeah apparently predominant cheekbones and standing 6 foot 5 can make for a few hurdles. His breakaway role playing the monster in The Curse of Frankenstein in 1957.

Hammer Films Productions allowed to experience success with Peter Cushing, commonly Cushing as the protagonist to Lee's villain. Dracula is one of the roles commonly associated with Lee as he made sequels of 7 appearances throughout the Hammer Films and technically 8 in the Jesus Franco film Count Dracula, that time around the story is an older man growing young be feasting on the blood of young maidens.

Whether he was in space, in a fantasy realm, dealing with werewolves or gremlins you have seen Christopher Lee for generations. Playing pivotal roles to the like of Dracula, Scaramonga of The Man with The Golden Gun,, Count Dooku in the Star Wars prequels and Saurman the White in Lord of the Rings. Either the hero, mentor or villain, Lee managed to eke out a career spanning no less than 60 years. Often the monster but ever the gentleman as many co-stars verify.

So this week we tip our hat to a loss to the cinema, TV and the world as the Prince of Darkness is no more.

Am I menacing??