Rotten Reelz Reviews Audio Review # 40

Back with a new review on an old school Sci-Fi/Thriller/Horror Via New Line Cinema, Critters.

The Review of course

Random Movie: Conquest of the Planet of the Apes

Welcome back readers. I found something interesting. The ratings board put the first three Planet of the Apes under a "G" rating. With gunfights, weapons battles, blood and mild swearing that was a "G" rating. Huh. Could learn something there modern day MPAA. Today is a film that was apparently too violent for the youngins in the crowd they had to bump it up to PG. Savagery, slavery and monstrous behavior on both fronts. This is Conquest of the Planet of the Apes.

Ricardo, someone pinched my butt.

Yeah yeah, back to the damn dirty apes joke blah blah. We return to a totalitarian police state of the United States. In this future a virulent plague wiped out small animals so the natural conclusion is to train apes to be household pets, servants and in general, enslavement. Guess sign language for fresh fruit and bounding around wasn't entertaining enough for the humans.

We catch up with Armando (Ricardo Montalban of Space Seed, The Train Robbers, Wonder Woman, The Mark of Zorro, Joe Panther, Police Story, Fantasy Island, Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan and Spy Kids 3: Game Over), the circus owner and follower of St. Francis of Assisi, patron saint of animals is back in town to provide amusement to those under tyrannical reign.

Now you all clean up your poops!

 

Milo now named Caesar (Roddy McDowell of The Felony Squad, Planet of the Apes, 5 Card Stud, Night Gallery, A Taste of Evil, The Poseidon Adventure, The Legend of Hell House, Fright Night and Batman The Animated Series) Cornelius and Zira's son from Escape from the Planet of the Apes all grown up baffled why all humans are not like Armando. Armando explains that subterfuge is the only way he can survive and not exhibit higher intelligence or the power of speech because the government fears an ape revolt that will overthrow humanity.

Police states implement order!!!

City Controller Breck (Don Murray of Bus Stop, A Hatful of Rain, Endless Love, Soldier of Fortune, Wings, The Single Guy and Island Prey) is adamant that he will be the man to find Cornelius and Zira's offspring and destroy him for the sake of humanity. So clearly enslaving his people should win him over. Meanwhile his assistant Malcolm (Hari Rhodes of Daktari, Shock Corridor, Detroit 9000, Coma, The Fall Guy, Magnum P.I., Donor and Cover Up) bites his tongue on the racist tendencies shown by white men in power and abusing their authority. May hit too close to home but he does his level best to rein him in when it looks like he is going over the top.

Armando is scooped up by Ape Control which is pretty much this future's Gestapo. Seriously, right down to the all black uniforms, sashes on their arms and brutal mentality. Caesar called the lot bastards and Armando takes the blame without hesitation. They go to town on Armando with beatings and lie detectors trying to find out if he knows whereabouts of Milo now known as Caesar. Knowing his number is up, Armando sacrifices himself to save Caesar.

Caesar infiltrates Ape Control, bides his time and prepares to go to war. Humans stole his parents and his surrogate parent. Revenge on them and liberation of his people is all that is on his mind. With observations of routine and lazy behavior of his human captors, Caesar prepares to win over his people, arm them and mount bloody retribution.

Will the humans survives this? Will apes dominate the world? Can a compromise be made?

The inherent cruelty to the apes pushes this animal lover's buttons something fierce until you remember, "Oh right, those are guys in costume. Unpucker, butthole." Once again SciFi doesn't pull punches about classism, racism and separation covered all in this one film. Subjugation is a way of life that no one seems to question or if they do, it is never out loud. A handful of picketing lines about waiters getting the shaft but other than that, no one even speaks up for the apes. Complete governmental control is as common as breathing and the people don't speak up about curfews, big brother watching its citizens' purchases and work environment?

I mean c'mon. This is exactly what the Trump administration wishes they could get away with.

I won't fib. Of all five of the original Apes films, this is probably the most violent. Do I think the modern day children will be horribly scarred if they watch it? Nah. I would have loved to have seen all five in the theater as a kid rather than chopped up for TV. Hell I didn't see Planet of the Apes unvarnished until I was 25 and at an art theater. So if you enjoyed the previous three films, yes catch this one as well. If anything my own complaint about this movie was the same with the previous three. I just had to go and get the letterbox version. If these flicks don't interest you at all, well why were you reading this review?   Seems a tad silly. 

Ape terrorists equal gorilla warfare.

Random Movie: Escape from the Planet of the Apes

Hey folks. Trying to juggle every component of Rotten Reelz has been a bit trying. I am awaiting some much needed funding for riffs, audio reviews and the standard write-up which has been neglected at this time. So today we trapse back into a Sci-Fi movie series we have not touched base in a while. A series revolving around the stories and histories of future, present and past. We come back to those damn dirty apes. This is Escape from the Planet of the Apes.

I swear woman, you listen to me before I fling poo!

Now as many of you that have seen the sequel, Beneath the Planet of the Apes, you know the Earth was blasted into a million pieces courtesy of an the end all nuclear warhead aimed at the Earth's core. So how the hell do you continue a film after that? Why you go back in the past. Yup using a slingshot maneuver around the sun, (That old chestnut) three astronauts using Colonel Taylor's crashed ship they set back to Earth.

Now right off the bat, people have problems with this story. What did they use for a launch platform? When did they pull the ship from the waters? How did they have the technological skill, equipment and tools to get it back into working order? So on, so on. Suspend disbelief and suck it up!

Man the body odor on this kid.

With behavioral psychologist, Dr. Zira (Kim Hunter of A Streetcar Named Desire, Police Story, Love, American Style, Young Dr. Kildare, Planet of the Apes and Beneath the Planet of the Apes), archeologist Dr. Cornelius (Roddy McDowell of The Felony Squad, Planet of the Apes, 5 Card Stud, Night Gallery, A Taste of Evil, The Poseidon Adventure, The Legend of Hell House, Fright Night and Batman The Animated Series) and and physicist Professor Milo (Sal Mineo of Rebel Without a Cause, Giant, Exodus, Police Story, S.W.A.T., Harry-O and Ellery Queen Mysteries) somehow escaped before the planet was obliterated and landed in the year 1971.  With the Vietnam war on, pollution and capitalism hand in hand and Civil Rights movement dragging its feet, three intelligent apes have arrived and in Taylor's ship after it had only been 10 years since its departure.

The three transported to the Los Angeles Zoo and kept under observation by Dr. Stephanie Branton (Natalie Trundy of 77 Sunset Strip, Perry Mason, The Felony Squad, Beneath the Planet of the Apes, Escape from the Planet of the Apes, Conquest of the Planet of the Apes, A Great American Tragedy and Huckleberry Fin) and Dr. Lewis Dixon (Bradford Dillman of The Way We Were, The Enforcer, Sudden Impact, Piranha, Man Outside and Hotel) in order to see what makes them tick. None of the apes exhibit intelligence nor the power of speech so they can't be poked, prodded or examined...gee not unlike what they did to Taylor. Now they are in a society that views them as freaks perhaps. Karma, she's a vicious bitch.

Hoop after hoop, the scientists can't seem to get anything out of Zira and Cornelius aside from simple puzzle solving and Zira announce she detests bananas.

That night Professor Milo is trying to calm everyone but is attacked through the bars by a mountain silverback snapping his little bones...the ones he needs to survive.

Yeesh more enemas if we don't swallow the pills.

Branton and Dixon head to the Presidential Commission to explain Zira and Cornelius' standings on how they got a hold of Taylor's ship, his present whereabouts and so on and so forth.

With a bit of good press our two chimpanzees are given a bit of luxury and trying to find their place in their new world. Meanwhile Scientific Advisor Dr. Otto Hasslein (Eric Braeden of Colossus: The Forbin Project, Rat Patrol, Lady Ice, Owen Marshall, Counselor at Law, The Power Within, Hagen, Charlie's Angels and Titanic) feels the apes are a security risk and removing them from the equation could be the very thing necessary for human survival. With nothing more than some hypothesis and a drunken confession on Zira's part of the dissection of human brains, even the President considers them a threat.

Unaware of this plot, Cornelius and Zira are living it up and also meet with a circus performer/owner Armando (Ricardo Montalban of Space Seed, The Train Robbers, Wonder Woman, The Mark of Zorro, Joe Panther, Police Story, Fantasy Island, Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan and Spy Kids 3: Game Over) as Zira births her little bun in the oven naming him Milo after their lost colleague.

Zira and Cornelius are on the run with issues for them dead or alive but little Milo stays behind with Armando.

Are they now public enemy number one? Castro getting a free pass? Have you ever seen such a disregard for firearm safety ever?

They established in the first two movies that Taylor and company as well as Brent's crew came through a natural phenomenon of a temporal portal in space warped them through, ending up in the future so who's to say a doorway does not work the opposite route? Wibbly Wobbly, people.

What's clever about this film is showing a mirror response to humanity having issues with intelligent apes able to think, express and confer with others. They undergo everything Taylor did in the first movie and making it a brilliant parallel to how they mistreated their underdeveloped humans out of fear also allows humans to question their own morality, codes of conduct and whether or not their very souls are in the good.

With a 2.5 million budget, this film has some good humor, dramatic moments and some questions raised about our own humanity. The third of its collection but making it no less impressive.

Ach!  Ze German!

Random Movie: War

Hey gang. Back again and today I was feeling a bit of mindless action violence candy. That usually involves the gruff voiced and unshaven mug of Jason Statham. Oh don't worry. It's not a Transporter sequel nor is it the sequel to Crank. I will spare us all that bit of squirrelly. No, instead think of a crime war, some deep seething need for revenge and some twists and turns. This is War.

No Statham, I will not be in Expendables 4. Piss off!

Special Agent Jack Crawford (Jason Statham of Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, Snatch, The Italian Job, The One, Crank and The Expendables) and his partner Tom Lone (Terry Chan of I, Robot, The Life, Battlestar Galatica, Chaos, Snakes on a Plane, V, Riverworld, Sanctuary and House of Cards) just pissed away two years of their life on an investigation that went completely south in Asian Task Force. With the Yakuza and the Triads nipping at each others' heels, the Yakuza call an outside enforcer code name of Rogue (Jet Li of High Risk, Black Mask, Hitman, Romeo Must Die, Kiss of the Dragon, The One, Unleased and The Expendables). A extremely skilled marksman, martial artist and even swordsmaster. A jack of all trades in murder.

They had to subtitle Cockney again.

Jack almost meets his maker in the struggle when Tom shoots Rogue in the face as Rogue falls in the water with body not found for three days. A modern day myth as it was said that Rogue was once CIA having his face reshuffled often and then he went to work for the Yakuza's Oyabun Shiro (Ryo Ishibashi of Aiki, Moon Child, G@me, The Grudge, Big Bang Love, Juvenile A, Waru, Waru: kanketsu-hen and The Investigation Game)

Jack re-coops his arm but is off to watch the big game (Football I am guessing given it was fall, possibly basketball) when he has to make a pitstop for some steaks. Passed out from pain on the ride there, Jack, his wife Jenny (Andrea Roth of Crossworlds, Red Meat, Rescue Me, The Collector, Lucky, The Time Tunnel and Bridal Fever) and son Daniel get to see the Lones' home up in flames. Jack finds all three dead an a titanium spent shell that housed a depleted uranium bullet on the scene, Rogue's M.O.

Contract negotiations aren't going well.

Three years later, the Triads and Yakuza are about to go head to head. Leading the Asian Task Force is Jack dogged, determined and other things beginning and ending in d; hot on the trail of this impending war when another hit taking out some top soldiers of the Yakuza happens. All too similar to Rogue's M.O. Again.

Chang, head of the Triad (John Lone of Year of the Dragon, Echos of Paradise,The Last Emperor, The Moderns, The Hunted, M. Butterfly, The Shadow, Rush Hour 2 and Paper Moon Affair) is attempting to acquire an ancient household relic of golden horses. These two statues sold carefully can finance his empire in America and consolidate his foothold into a stance. Jack and his team now made aware of Rogue about, they know it is only a matter of time before the war breaks out and innocents get caught in the crossfire.

Keeping order in the states for the Yakuza is Kira (Devon Aoki of 2 Fast 2 Furious, Sin City, DOA, Mutant Chronicles, D.E.B.S., Death of a Dynasty and Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Undead) , a ruthless, shrewd and health conscious young woman with ideas of advancing in the Yakuza and maintaining her family's honor. Nothing else matters to this girl. Seriously I think she would have creeped out Kill Bill's Go-go.

Will Jack and crew be able to catch Rogue? Will the Asian crimelords turn the city of San Francisco into a charnel house?

Okay the specifics of the film. One, there is mild nudity so may not want the kiddies sitting down to this one. Two, a substantial body count. Murder and mayhem are hand in hand. Three, a decent twist in the story so the brain does not get to shut off easily.

The stunt work of Gun Fu, car chases, car crashes, martial arts and even some sword fights is most impressive. Of course I have my nitpicks like an immensely dense metal like uranium used for 9mm is highly impractical and would most likely chew up the Walther P-99s that Jet is using. Commonly you find that in your 20mm to 30mm cannon shells. So you wouldn't trash your pistol you would have to pack less gunpowder. So less kill and next to no distance or accuracy. Check with your military friends if you think this fun fact is crap. They'll be on my side though.

Jet's car was a Spyder I think the Spyker C8 series which retails at about $275k, possibly more and last but certainly least, this marks the second of five films Jason Statham and Jet Li have collaberated in. The others are The One and The Expendables 1 through 3. Not a brilliant film but not a bad film either. Adrenaline junkies will enjoy it but so will the casual movie viewer.

A lost Highlander episode??

Rotten Reelz Reviews Audio Review #39: John Carpenter's The Fog

Okay and back with the second audio review.  Again I promise to post my audio reviews on here.  I just forgot this time around.  And now a cult classic: The Fog

Rotten Reelz Reviews Audio Review #38: Switchblade Sisters

Hey folks.  I realized I had forgotten to post my last two audio reviews.

So here's the exploitation film: Switchblade Sisters

Random Movie: Armed and Dangerous

Hey folks. What's going on? Decided I needed some comedy to review for a change. A bit of John Candy. So some organized mob, gunfires and maybe even some drag. This is Armed and Dangerous.

Divine never looked so saucy

Officer Dooley (The late and great John Candy of SCTV, Who's Harry Crumb?, Uncle Buck, Home Alone, Nothing But Trouble, Only the Lonely, Delirious and Once Upon a Crime) a decent guy gets caught with a stolen TV courtesy of his fellow boys in blue pinning the theft on him. Right Dooley. Next you'll tell me the Rodney King verdict was unjust. But instead of going to jail, they take his badge and end his career. At the same time, nervous defense lawyer Norman Kane (Eugene Levy of SCTV, Club Paradise, Splash, Father of the Bride, Stay Tuned, Maniac Mansion, Multiplicity, Waiting for Guffman, Almost Heroes and Holy Man) is at his wit's end defending murderers, psychos and tweakers. He desperately needs a career change. No sooner are these two roped into the exciting wondrous world of guard duty, the pharmaceutical company they are guarding is robbed.

Whaddua mean I have less sex appeal than Steve Guttenberg?

Funny how the robbers sound exactly like two thugs from the Union. Wonder if there could ever be corruption in a union job. Nah. Their boss, Captain O' Connell (Kenneth McMillan of Salem's Lot, Partners, The Clairvoyant, Blue Skies Again, The Pope of Greenwich Village, Dune, Runaway Train and Cat's Eye) reams their asses, slaps them with a hundred dollar fine because the whole fiasco was explained...a little piss poorly. With heated tempers, crucial evidence to how the robbery went down was ignored.

With their butts on the line and their jobs looking bleak what with guarding a dump and a toxic landfill, the guys decide to check out the robberies themselves.

With a collective of talent in this film it is really hard to dislike it. Helmed by director Mark L. Lester (Firestarter, Commando, Class of 1984, Class of 1999, Showdown in Little Toyko and The Dragons of Camelot) and screenplay by the late and great Harold Ramis (Meatballs, Stripes, Ghostbusters, Caddyshack, Back to School, Groundhog Day and Analyze This) this film is not politically correct, there will be ethnic slurs and sexist content of bimbo women. Hmm I might be putting folks off. Okay...starting anew. There is slapstick, drag humor and more gun play than an Eastwood movie. This is really that stint in comedy where they wanted some action to go with the humor. A rash of theft makes Dooley believe that there is more going on and the very company he is working for is directly involved with it. Maybe not most of the guards but some of the higher ups. 

Man, that orgy got out of hand, right?

With the union being so tight lipped about why they need close to $4 million a year to keep them in the black and yet no actual explanation to what this $15 a week in 1986 timeline that is a fair chunk of change. By inflation status, think $50 a week. Now that has your attention. Besides, most union charge by the month not weekly so already something is off. Plus half of their staff look like gunsels.

With their accountant rep trying to wash the dough (ill gotten gains from illegal sales plus making only 80 cents on the dollar in laundering) the big boys decide he is a loose end and are gonna take him for "a little drive".

At this point the crooked cops must also be on the unions' dollar as Dooley and Kane are being chased by syndicate, bent cops and hell, why not the fire department now.

With Kane's mental stress levels and Dooley's dishonorable discharge from the police, they are plump pigeons ripe for the blame.

Can the boys get themselves out of this jam? Will Meg Ryan a.k.a. Maggie have feelings for Kane? Will Brion James play YET another loopy?

With some decent crane shots, dolly track and some substantial car crash stunts, this is as action as possible. Hell the Texan in the big rig smashing down the L.A. Freeway to Born to Be Wild is enough excitement as it is.

Goodfellas?  Geddoutta here!