Meathook Massacre: The Final Chapter

Back again guys and dolls. Well I got another request review by writer/director/editor Dustin Ferguson (Gloved Murderess, Demon Dolls, Cheerleader Camp: To the Death, Invitation to Die, Nemesis 5: The New Model and Amityville: Evil Never Dies) , a regular with the blog as his legacy series with Bubba Fleisher and his appalling family of serial nutter butters. SoCal Cinema Studios and A Troma Team Release sent me a screener that may bring us a bloody conclusion. This is Meathook Massacre: The Final Chapter.

Hey kid, you got a 20 ton bottle jack?

The fifth installment in the series and our story continues with Danielle Stokely (Danielle Brookshire of The Eyes of Isabelle, Cheerleader Camp: To the Death, Shivers Down Your Spine, Meathook Massacre, Tales for the Campfire and The Dummy 2) as she was kidnapped so long ago by Bubba (Robert Lankford of Meathook Massacre, Family Covenant, Grindsploitation 2: The Lost Reels, Meathook Massacre II, Meathook Massacre 3: First Hunt, Wrong Side of the Tracks, Nemesis 5: The New Model, House of Pain andd Meathook Massacre 4) and his lunatic lineage. With her narrow escape, she is one of the few souls to not end up Bubba's victims. 15 years ago, she went into hiding, praying she never runs into these monsters again.

With a flashback dating to the original, Dani is seen fleeing from Bubba as he flays his meathook and tromps after her. Oh if only she and her friends never went to go see Dragonsclaw live. The scene is reminiscent of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre as Leatherface chases down Sally.

Having the obvious nightmares as she should, Dani is effectively Ripley of Aliens at this point, but more on genre Sydney of Scream 2. Still scarred and scared of that night but trying to come to grips with it all. Well you're in good hands with Samantha (the lovely Vida Ghaffari of Circus of Dread, The Catch, Rice Girl, Holy Terror, Scorpion Girl, Horndogs Beach Party, Nation's Fire, RoboWoman and Moon of the Blood Beast). FYI that crafty writer snuck in a House by the Cemetery reference. No chance of that sneaking by me, good sir. I am a Fulci nut.

Any time is always better with more Vida.

Dani also has a new man in her life, Todd (Ronnie Angel of Grindsploitation 666, Runaway Nightmare, Tales from the Grave, Dirty D: Jelly and The Verdict with Judge Hatchett) who doesn't want to impale her with a meathook, so that's good. Also a plus when the love of yout life doesn't try to run you through with butcher's tools. I would have probably passed out with laughter if his name was Chuck. They decide to meet up for lunch. Hope it's not “COLD CUTS”. Yes there may be more meat puns.

A couple of hikers are out and about. Dammit people! You know this is a slasher film, why would you do that typical dumb folk routine? You know it ends badly! I beg you folk, carry a gun or a good kabar, just to improve your odds. Hell a collapsible shovel. Naturally we have to split up, so Jeffery is taking a leak and leaving his lady, Jessica (Valerie Mulligan of Bikini Swamp Girl Massacre, Auteur, Steve's Garden, Troma Presents: Mulligan's Monsters, Drive-In Grindhouse, Moon of the Blood Beast and VHS Violence) to pitch the tent. Yeah I'll pitch it. Right into the damn stream, ya punk. Little did they know a familiar face is roaming about. Hey Jeffery, spare some ribs? Warned you about bad puns,

Weird, looks like Dani lives in the Horndogs Party Beach apartment. Off to meet Todd, for a picnic and some exposition. You see Todd, your girl has had a bit of crazy in her life and it was none too fun. Not that kinky dungeon I want to explore my sexuality crazy but the I barely escaped being shish-kabob crazy. Puts a damper on the bone zone, huh brah? With the flashback cued up, Dani bears her soul and that horrible event hoping she doesn't freak her fella away. You think Nancy from A Nightmare on Elm Street had these problems?

Meanwhile back at the apartment, Samantha dishes with Dani and passes a note from a guy in Nebraska, Tom (Clint Beaver of The Dummy 2, Tamarrud, Tales for the Campfire 2, Meathook Massacre II, Wrong Side of the Tracks, Nemesis 5: The New Model, Amityville: Evil Never Dies, A Taste of Phobia and House of Pain) saying they need to meet up and it's urgent. Dani's real nightmares are rows of corn, pork bellies as a conversation topic and everyone reminding her of the great deals she can get with Omaha Steaks! The horror!!

Candid picnics are always great for tales of terror.

Dani finally sucks it up and decides to call Tom. Tom claims to also be a survivor from this lunatic family and folks, he barely got out of Meathook Massacre II. Yeah I would know that as a viewer and reviewer but nevertheless, the twosome vow to meet up at Wolf Lake in twenty. A pleasant introduction so now it's time for Tom to get all crazy pants, claiming a government cover-up and how Bubba and the demented death farm gang were never captured or convicted by the cops like Dani was told. Armed with news paper clippings, far fetched theories and channeling his inner Tommy Jarvis via Halloween 666, Tom is convinced that not only did the family escape but they move from location to location at a time. Hey gang, guess what? Dustin understands continuity. Take that and cram it, Friday the 13^th!

With this newfound knowledge Dani still doesn't know what to do. Just she and Samantha run or does she get her revenge with chainsaw and boomstick? Oh and if you do go boomstick, get that double barrelled pump shotgun because that is a series upgrade from Ash's Remington.

Will Dani put up a fight? Can see gack Bubba and his whole crazy clan?

 

A few side notes. The mask keeps improving as these films go on. I realize the elasti-band probably works better to hold the mask in place. For a visual I was hoping it would be braided leather made from one of Bubba's victims. That's me just going for a bit more gross and disturbing.

It was great to have Velvet Acid Christ back for the theme music again.  Stepping back in the role of audio editing, foley artist and composer, this Jack of All Trades: Matt Festle (Nemesis 5: The New Model, Surviving the Wild, Dead Squad: Temple of the Undead, Drive-In Grindhouse, Meathook Massacre 4 and Robowoman) is in for a ton of editing audio so it looks like he has the ears for it. Love the pig squealing sound effect.  FX makeup guru Alexys Paonessa (Electric Dreams, Black Lightning, Lucifer, Meathook Massacre: The Final Chapter and Moon of the Blood Beast) is back and making things and dead folk look eerie as Hell so kudos on that.

Dustin's foray into this depravity and morbid tales looked promising from the first film and just managed to keep the same momentum going. Not many sequels get a chance to be on par with the original, let alone stand neck in neck with it. The expansion of making it a deranged family in the second film really opened the flood gates and allowed for more story and character development. With this franchise I won't be surprised if someone else wants to take the reins and build it up even further. Maybe a series of prequels or a continuation. There is a room of possibilities. While this may very well be the last time Dustin is at the helm, I am guessing this is not the last Meathook Massacre we see.

Jeffery! I told you no gluten!

Press Release: Kill Giggles

As per request of writer/director/producer Jaysen Buterin (The Devil's Tramping Ground, Monster X, Kill Giggles) asked if Rotten Reelz Reviews would be willing to do a press release for the upcoming Kill Giggles.  All too willing to help Indie Horror.


Contact: Jaysen Buterin
Email: jaysen@madonesfilms.com
Web: http://www.madonesfilms.com

KILLER CLOWN FILM “KILL GIGGLES” ON INDIEGOGO!

Greensboro, NC – Earlier this year Mad Ones Films ran a successful crowdfunding campaign for their clown-killing thriller/horror feature film Kill Giggles. With the investment phase now completed they have launched a promotional IndieGoGo campaign to raise additional funds that will allow them to make Kill Giggles even bigger, better and bloodier when they begin filming this June.
“With the StartEngine campaign, as well as additional private investment secured, we met the minimum requirement needed to shoot the film! That means the cameras AND the clown heads will roll in June,” said Jaysen Buterin, writer/director of Kill Giggles, for Mad Ones Films. “We’re going to take a timeless terror trope and turn it on its rainbow wig-covered head by sending in the clowns to die instead!” The ethos of Mad Ones Films has always been to give a good deal to their fans and backers with unique and one-of-a-kind promotional items and movie merchandise for reasonable prices. Their IndieGoGo campaign is making signed copies of the film and other exciting merchandise available to those fans, investors, supporters, collectors and horror aficionados alike who may want something special ahead of the film’s eventual worldwide release.



“Some campaigns can feel like asking for an audience to part with money on the off chance of receiving what can be not a lot in return. With Kill Giggles we made real investments available to the public for as little as $100. Now that we’re able to produce a complete and profitable film, we also launched on IndieGoGo where our cast and special guest stars Judith O’Dea, Vernon Wells and Felissa Rose are all signing things fans will want!” said Callum Dougherty, Producer for Cubic7 Productions.

The campaign includes some thematically appropriate perks such as an autographed (inflatable) Bozo the Clown doll that was snagged within an hour, Kill Giggles-branded clown noses, a custom clown-a-gram, walk-on roles, and “Photo Roulette” where a disposable camera left on set every day will document the making of movie magic. After the film is completed the camera will be mailed to the backer along with a clown nose and signed DVD.
The campaign can be found at: https://igg.me/at/killgiggles

For more information on Kill Giggles, please visit the online circus at www.killgiggles.com or follow the film on Facebook: www.facebook.com/KillGiggles.
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SYNOPSIS: Tommy dos Santos wasn’t born a psychopath, nor was he made into a sociopath; he’s walking his own path – a path that will run red with the blood of the foulest most fiendishly frightening creatures ever conceived by man! Clowns!

No longer do they have the starring role in our nightmares, it is now the clowns who are the prey, running for their lives from a killer who won’t stop until every single one of them is dead.

Moon of the Blood Beast

And we are back folks. I hope you all enjoyed Yoga Hosers. Maybe some of you went out and grabbed a copy. Who can say. So today I have a film review request from a familiar favorite of the blog, writer/director/editor Dustin Ferguson (Terror at Black Tree Forest, The Legacy of Boggy Creek, Escape to Black Tree Forest, Black Tree Forest III, Doll Killer, Die Sister, Die, Occult Holocaust, Gloved Murderess, Cheerleader Camp: To the Death, Shockumentary, Nemesis 5: The New Model and Robowoman) of SoCal Studios and produced by A Troma Team Release, courtesy of Lloyd Kaufman. The title I have been given to view smacks a little of 70s exploitation creature feature and by God I can do that. This is Moon of the Blood Beast.

That is not finger food. Bad demon! Bad!

You might recall my last review of Dustin's work, Grindsploitation 8: Grindhouse Drive-In, the various faux commercials and trailers, well I dare say our fellow has been busy with this flick and let's get into it, shall we? The vibe I am getting off this is Legend of Boggy Creek POV monster that has haunted the small town for generations.

We open with eerie music, muffled whispers or prayers and depictions of Baphomet, Lucifer and Satannish on cards, books and other such imagery. Yes I have read my fair share of religions and dealt with the Tarot Card New Age hippies. Hippies, man. They creep me out.

In the small coastal town of Riverside there is a legend. A legend of darkness when the moon is blood red, weird happenings occur. A pretty hitchhiker (Alana Evans of Horndogs Beach Party, Moon of the Blood Beast and Los Angeles Shark Attack) doesn't know of these legends as she makes her way across country and it's the little things you know that gives you a higher survival rate. Our hitchhiker is a budding photographer when something captures her instead.  Dammit!  I really wanted to see her hoist a shotgun, get some Bruce Campbell one liners in.  Well, maybe next time.

That's not how you tan. Bad Alana! Bad!

 Little disturbed the local Daily News got such a graphic picture for front page. Kids are reading this, dammit. Well alright no they aren't. Probably one with their smart phones. Deputy Sheriff Frank (D.T. Carney of Bigfoot's Wild Weekend, April Apocalypse, Trespass Into Terror, Generation Y and Garlic & Gunpowder) hangs a heavy head as he goes through the newspaper.

Thankfully he has sunny and lovely dispatcher Noel Johnson (Vida Ghaffari of Holy Terror, Scorpion Girl, Suspense, and Horndogs Beach Party, Nation's Fire, Robowoman and Suspense) for some advice, friendly attitude and a good cup of Joe. Well the crime scene was no boating accident! Because it was in the desert... nowhere near water... or a boat. Anyway, moving along.

After dealing with the crime scene, Frank runs into Gabe Smith who tells the Sheriff that the beast has returned. Sporting a S&W .45, Gabe (Mike Ferguson of Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., American Violence, Training Day, A Crooked Somebody, Outlaw Origins, Brobot and ZombieCON) seems more of a proactive Crazy Ralph. This cat won't be wasting time speaking of death curses and how everyone is doomed. I think he's gonna let his lead do the talking. Good on you, fella.

You do not yell at Vida. Bad Sheriff! Bad!

A local jogger is doing right by his ticker. That is until his cardio gets kicked into overdrive with some drone and good hand held coming at him. Hmm, might want to claim mountain lion attacks, Sheriff. Of course that means Wildlife and Game will be tromping around there and become monster bait.

Three stoners are waking and baking already stoked to be camping from the crime scene. THE ONE that is ILLEGAL to be near! Damn potheads. Partaking of the spliff, stoner #1 (Ken May of Welcome to the Grindhaus, Tales of the Grave, Meathook Massacre 4 and Robowoman) actually stops and thinks his mortality could be on the line given no one has caught this killer. Heeeey...

Every 10 years under the Harvest Moon, the beast roams the land looking for sacrifices only to return to its ancient slumber afterwards. Mind you we are getting this probably fourth hand Chinese Whispers style. This cat was any more baked, he'd be a lasagna.

Our POV creature is making the rounds and by all that is Holy he doesn't seem to dig photographers, health nuts and hippies. That's close to 45% of Southern California, brah. What is your damage? Sheriff will have to be taking the Mayor Vaughn shark defense and fending off those pesky questions like: "Is it safe to be out at any hour? What are you doing to catch this killer? "

With two girls stranded nearby, they're out of gas. Oh no, now they'll have to make out. Right? Sorry only used to the hetro male answer for the out of gas with a girl.  On the outskirts of town, it's only a 2 mile walk. Beth (Julie Anne Prescott of Doomsday County, Dead End, Burn Notice, Hell's Kitty, No Strings 2: Playtme in Hell, House of Blood, and Meathook Massacre 4) and Becky( FX guru Alexys Paonessa (Electric Dreams, Black Lightning, Lucifer, Meathook Massacre: The Final Chapter and Moon of the Blood Beast) debate on the walk versus waiting for a good Samaritan. Finally the call of nature can no longer be avoided and neither is the culling.

That's not how we poop! Bad Hippie! Bad!

Wouldn't be a Ferguson film without seeing the lovely Dawna Lee Heising make an appearance.

Her son Clifford (Dustin Wonch of Runaway Nightmare and Moon of the Blood Beast) may end up missing dinner.

I started laughing when I realized that sneaky man snuck in clips of Track of the Moon Beast. Yeah I know this film and no I did not have to review it. Many moons ago, MST3K riffed on it as Johnny Longbow told us all went into his stew in the most monotone voice I have heard. "Corn, chicken, rice.." Poor Dawna has to sit through this flick. That's a trooper. Because as we all know, lunar meteorites are the cause of lizard man mutations. Back to the film.

Body count's stacking up like cord wood in a slasher film, Sheriff. You getting off your keister and tending to this or do we call in Chuck Norris? In less than two days, the kill count has managed double digits. Get the beast, Gabe! You got this!

Is the town damned? Does anyone have a spine to end this curse? What would having a local demon legend do for the tourist economy?

Well once again, the proof is there in front of you. You give Dustin some wiggle room, creative reins and he will deliver.  With some great POV camera work, cut screen kills we have an urban legend ground plan laid out and some good performances.  It has a real Jaws vibe to it, a dash of Grizzly meets Pumpkinhead.  A modern day folklore that seems to be scoffed at but the sinister undertone is there.  It's almost as if the town is aware of this happens every ten years whether they will admit it out loud or not. Frankly their negligence to warn travellers and the townsfolk makes the movie a lot more disturbing.

Nice to see Dustin's streak is only getting better. And hats off to FX woman Alexys Paonessa (Electric Dreams, Black Lightning, Lucifer, Meathook Massacre: The Final Chapter and Moon of the Blood Beast) as our creature does look ghastly.

I think this is cool. Bad Jake! Bad!

Yoga Hosers

Hey readers, how goes it? So it's been a while since I've had some Kevin Smith. Annnd that came out vastly more pornographic than I wanted. Let's try that again. It's been a while since I reviewed a Kevin Smith film. Better? I thought as much.  So three years prior, the big buzz was his Canada trilogy as it has been referenced and one of the projects was involved his daughter, Harley Quinn and Johnny Depp's daughter Lily-Rose. We've got Canada, BFFs, villainous Nazis and genetic experimentation, so let's give this the once over. This is Yoga Hosers.

Gaaah,remember Tusk? Your dad is so weird!

The True North Trilogy consists of Tusk, Yoga Hosers and Moose Jaws. Yes you will have to go and secure your own copies. Shockingly enough Amazon is a click away. Okay may we battle through the "wurst" of it, I won't be a sour kraut and this is the school of hard knocks. Alright, enough awful puns and on to the flick in question.

Colleen Collette (Lily-Rose Depp of Tusk, Yoga Hosers, The Dancer, Planetarium, A Faithful Man and Savage) and Colleen McKenzie(Harley Quinn Smith of Jay and Silent Bob Strikes Bac, Clerks II, Tusk, Yoga Hosers, Holiday, Hollyweed, Supergirl, All These Small Moments and All Night) are atypical 15 year old teenager girls that spend their days in yoga, noses buried in their smart phones, working a convenience store Eh-2-Zed (I will hurt Kevin for that pun) and their cover band, Glamthrax. . An addendum, their drummer is 35 and named Ichabod (Adam Brody of Mr. & Mrs. Smith, The O.C., Jennifer's Body, Welcome to the Jungle, Burning Love, Life Partners and Growing Up and Other Lies). Music gigs aren't that scarce, brah and I am getting serious creeper vibe going there.  Further addendum, their parents lacked any creativity for names but hell not my cross to bear. They are inseparable and life in Manitoba is dreary, dull and deadening inside

Jason Vorhees' final form!!!

It's Canada, folks. Pleasant people, weather and attractions but they kind of creep me out.   I was informed they do not run around in deer and moose skins nor do they try to kill the sun with rudimentary, crude fashioned spears.   Who knew.

Senior heart throb and McKenzie's dream guy, Hunter (Austin Butler of Zoey 101, Ruby & the Rockits, Life Unexpected, The Carrie Diaries, Arrow and The Shannara Chronicles) has invited the girls to a Senior party. Awww... Yeah, check this kid for Rohypnol.  Deep cavity search.

Colleen's(Harley) mom, Ms. McKenzie (Jennifer Schwalbach Smith of Jay and Silent Bob Strikes Back, Now You Know, Jersey Girl, Degrassi: The Next Generation, Clerks II, Zack and Miri Make a Porno, Red State and Tusk) gotta warn the girls that boys just want to get freaky deaky at this age.  Channeling Aunt May and hoping to put the girls off any form of interaction. Could always have an organ crap out.  Seriously first five annuals of the Amazing Spider-Man, something was wrong with Aunt May.  Google that.  Mom is actually scarier as she slips Colleen her stiletto for protection. Damn I just got the lecture don't get a girl pregnant, not handed a shiv.

He puts the brat in bratwurst. Too homoerotic? You judge.

To strengthen their karma or whatever the hell you do in Yoga. I'm more limber from it and...yeah that's it. The girls are in the care of Yoga guru, Yogi Bayer (Justin Long of Jeepers Creepers, Ed, Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story, Idiocracy, Live Free or Die Hard, Zack and Miri Make a Porno, Drag Me to Hell and 10 Years). He seems to have either accepted the constant Hanna-Barbera jokes and deals with the pic-a-nic baskets or he is a better somber man than I. The seriousness to his more unorthodox yoga positions was killing me.

The intrepid duo has to contend with teachers? Yeah not meshing seems to be their jam. You can almost hear the build-up of "When I was your age," comments. Let's see...15? Hmm crappy job, school, D&D and zero prospects of girls. Well I got nothing to compare there at all.  Moving on!

Colleen's(Lily-Rose) dad Bob (Tony Hale of Dante's Inferno, Andy Barker, P.I., Chuck, Not That Funny, The Heat, American Ultra, and Jake and the Never Land Pirates) and his very much younger than he girlfriend, Tabitha (Natasha Lyonne of Modern Vampires, American Pie, American Pie 2, Comic Book Villains, Blade: Trinity, All About Evil, Addicted to Fresno and Antibirth) take off for an impromptu vacation, leaving the girls stuck at work. Dick move, brohan. Dick move.   Bob might also be lacking a spine, as Tabitha took it out Predator style!

Nazi Sausage Party!  Yup that came out weird.

Clerks-like shenanigans on the rise!   Hockey on the roof?   Pervy guy wanking himself to death?  Well okay maybe not Clerks level.   Still deciding who gets to be the Randal.   Sadly for the girls, having to close the store is the least of their worries as they have stumbled upon a Nazi killer regime threaten to rule ze world!  Okay our nefarious Canadian Hitler, Adronicus Aracane (Comedian/writer Ralph Garman of The Prowler, NYPD Blue, Two of the Money, Celebrity Deathmatch, Eagle Eye, Jay and Silent Bob's Super Groovy Cartoon Movie, Samurai Cop 2: Deadly Vengeance and Hollyweed) has a tremendous schinitzel up his arsch and deals with art critics with his evil collective of clones.

With the assistance of legendary manhunter Guy Lapointe (Johnny Depp of A Nightmare on Elm Street, 21 Jump Street and other stuff) Oh c'mon, the man has a substantial filmography!   Go look it up or have lived in the 80s to now!  Guy begins to hear the girls out on their plight. A plight of a double homicide they did not commit and it was the handiwork of the naughty knockwursts!   Naughty Knockwursts is the German gay porno I will be writing when this blog goes nowhere so, probably next week.

Guy believes them, assists in their legal problems and sets them free from the clink. Can the girls deal with such terrifying meat products?? Will these young Canadians dispatch the rising Nazi regime? Can they put down their damn phones??!! Is the term Goalie Flesh Golem sound as disturbing as could be??

Yes this film openly torments Canada, Millennials, parents of Millennials, Whitey White Supremacists and I had fun.  If we were to take this seriously, dissect it in every facet to whom it offends, I could be here all day still writing this mother.  Kevin's writing is as sharp as always, his corral of actors has gotten an addition and I laugh my ass off seeing Johnny in makeup and total lack of zombie pirates.

Guest appearance by Kevin Conroy? He's Batman in case somehow you forgot and this Stan Lee guy. I think he was into comics. *cough Marvel Universe *cough. Yes, a myriad of the View Askew Universe has made its way into the Canada.

I'm loving how the music score changes up from a near John Williams' Indiana Jones to a John Carpenter's Halloween.  Kevin, you a bit of a film freak, ain'tcha?   It's all good.

Final thoughts? Well yet another buddy movie on Kevin's part but the girls shine through. With next to no experience, these two nail their roles on such a level I'm shaking my head one instant and then laugh the next. The performances are great, it's supposed to be campy and dammit it succeeded on all levels.   It's screwy, outlandish and a giant finger to those that don't get it.  Not exactly sure why almost every critic crapped on this flick, but I guess it is not for everyone.   So yes I had fun with this and yeah Smith fans, you will enjoy it. 

Dude, shut up about Arrow! Not getting you an autograph!

Death House

Finally! Sorry, after almost a year I finally have to chance to review this film that has been described as The Expendables of Horror. Yes for you folks my age and a tad younger, you will recognize many a name attached to this. Penned by the late Gunnar Hansen (Leatherface of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre) comes a maximum penitentiary gone amok in Death House.

Man, the chicks on Orange is the New Black aren't that hot.

 Felissa Rose herself was telling me about this flick and by God I wanted to watch it since. When Angelia tells you it's gonna be fun, you best be watching this. Writer/director B. Harrison Smith (The Fields, 6 Degrees of Hell, Camp Dread, ZK: Elephant's Graveyard, Death House and Garlic & Gunpowder) brings a myriad of Horror icons of mid 70s to early 80s. Names and faces will pop out at you rather easily.

Our super max prison holding the baddest of the bad is supposed to be modeled after Dante's Inferno, so yes that means levels upon levels. The most vile and despicable are basement dwellers.

Bob Villa's This Old Hell House.

With a detailed inspection underway, this subterranean holding facility keeps the worst of humanity under lock and key for nine levels. Agents Toria Boon (Cortney Palm of Seance: The Summoning, Sushi Girl, The Hit Girl, Alien Rising, Zombeavers, It's Not a Date and Everlasting) and Jae Novak (Cody Longo of Make It or Break It, Piranha 3D, Days of Our Lives, The Silent Thief, For the Love of Money, Nashville and Secrets and Lies) are there to observe the levels and take in the medical and mental health works of Drs. Eileen Fletcher (Dee Wallace of The Hills Have Eyes, The Howling, E.T. The Extra-Terrestial, Cujo, Critters, Troubled Child, The Lords of Salem, Grimm and Just Add Magic) and Karen Redmane (Barbara Crampton of Re-Animator, Chopping Mall, From Beyond, Puppetmaster, Robot Wars, Castle Freak, Guiding Light, The Bold and the Beautiful, The Young and the Restless and You're Next).

Our prison's narrator of the tour cannot be mistaken for anyone other than Adrienne Barbeau and I immediately recognized her voice. 80s kid! Right here!

Farmer Asa (Tony Todd of Night of the Living Dead, Voodoo Dawn, Star Trek: The Next Generation, Candyman, Candyman: Farewell to the Flesh, Wishmaster, Hercules: The Legendary Journeys, The Prophecy: Foresaken and Hatchet) takes a young lady to the hill and what I am guessing is near on old mine shaft or bomb shelter. His hand passes through her stomach wall with near supernatural behavior, taking his time with his little flower.

A virtual reality hologram deck allows the doctors to program in the killers' various victims, allowing the killers' scenarios to play out. A gas keeps them mostly docile so they can't be violent and start massacring the guards and staff. Boon escorts Sieg, who she helped snare, a occultist/Neo Nazi (Kane Hodder of Prison, Friday the 13^th Part VII: The New Blood, Friday the 13^th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan, Best of the Best, Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday, Project: Metalbeast, Jason X and DarkWolf) to his own Hell on Earth. Careful kiddies, that Jason Vorhees/Victor Crowley strength could kick in at any time.

Rubber bullets, my ass. Gimme a chain gun!

Meeting up with Captain Galan (Kenny Ray Powell of Promoted, Inspired to Kill, Death House, Garlic & Gunpowder and No More Mr Nice Guy) , Boon gets a request to review her mother's murder and murderer through this VR holodeck and I gotta say...why? Will it give you closure?

Our murderer is none other than Machete? (Danny Trejo of Heat, Desperado, Spy Kids, From Dusk Til Dawn, Machete, Bad Ass, Rise of the Zombies, Sons of Anarchy and Young Justice) Our dead mom, Kristi (Camille Keaton of I Spit on Your Grave, The Concrete Jungle, Savage Vengeance, Chop, The Lords of Salem, Blood River, Cabaret Diabolique and Gterror in the Woods Creek) is clearly the driving force for Boon's dedication.

We come across a Leatherface (Troma veteran Debbie Rochon of Black Easter, Tromeo and Juliet, The Vampire's Seduction, Night of the Living Dead: 30^th Anniversary Edition, Hellblock 13, Chainsaw Cheerleaders, Bikini Bloodbath and Wrath of the Crows) that even Gunnar Hansen would be proud of.

Before I go any further, I would point out there is a ton of graphic gore, people. No lie, this is bloody. So just pointing it out for anyone that may not be able to handle chum buckets full of blood here.

Level 9, the heavily secured can only be observed by holographic system; houses the five evils as they describe. Nazi genetist, Hirace Giger (Bill Thorton of Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, Silent Night, Deadly Night III: You Better Watch Out, House of 1000 Corpses, Devil's Rejects, Repo: The Genetic Opera, Gotchic Harvest, Cynthia and American Exorcist) who somehow stunted his aging process. Balthoria (Lindsey Hartley of Passions, Days of Our Lives, All My Children, Nightmare Nurse, Smallville and Deadly Exchange), channeling a certain Countess she too is a hemophile and bathes in her victims' blood. Alexi Nela (Vernon Wells of The Road Warrior, Commando, Innerspace, Revamped, The Butcher, Silent Night, Zombie Night, World's End and Like a Bat Outta Hell), Cannibal, Nercromancer connected to the deaths over 700 children that they know of. Crau (Michael Berryman of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, The Hills Have Eyes, The Barbarians, the Golden Child, The Guyver, The Devil's Rejects, Z Nation, and Hell's Kitty), augmented strength, enhanced intelligence and healing factor. An experimental process created this but drove him crackers. Thile (Vincent M. Ward of True Blood, NCIS, House of Payne, The Walking Dead, Live Evil, Illicit and It's a Date) Satanic occultist known for crucifixion and turning his victims inside out. Blarf.

Uh oh, looks like a Blonde Off.

Novak bumps into an old buddy of his, the Icicle Killer(Sid Haig of Foxy Brown, Savage Sisters, Police Woman, Jason of Star Command, Jackie Brown, House of 1000 Corpses, The Devil's Rejects, Brotherhood of Blood and Hatchet III) who was responsible for his parents' deaths. Noticing a pattern here. With a guard patrolling he thinks skunks are in the dumpster. Doofus, call in for back up and wait with rifle drawn and safety on.

Well enough of the tour, howzabout a 6 minute shower scene? Because our agents felt they were dirty birdies, I guess. They have no real knowledge of their tats, who they are and golly they are in a prison with behavioral modification and memory implants. Hmm....

Naturally you can't make an omelet without massacring quite a few eggs as derpy dead guard gives the medical term a Joker tummy surprise. Dr. Redmane stays her path that memory erasure and new memory engrams are the most moral things to do with these men and women, making them productive members of society. You'd think this far into a future set up, a de-atomizer would be a concept made machine. Well Timmy, this is the fourth time in 12 years you have been sent to us wearing another man's flesh. Pile of dust for you.

Dayum girl, you even bench?

Movie editing, tight knit writing makes the memories more believable. Enter Bennett (Richard Speight Jr. Of Independence Day, Band of Brothers, Supernatural, Jericho, Justified and Driven) with lovely assistants Dr. Angela Freeman (Felissa Rose of Sleepaway Camp, Nikos the Impaler, Zombiegeddon, Satan's Playground, Return to Sleepaway Camp, Silent Night, Zombie Night, Camp Dread, and Victor Crowley) Dr. Logan Harrison (Laura Compton of Clown Town, Attack of the Killer Donuts, Heroes with Issues, Garlic & Gunpowder and Hell Girl) who delight at re-creating the murders through new, live victims. More specifically the homeless so they can better study the criminals at large if you will, compile that data and create the most comprehensive criminal database. Yup nothing in that sounds really messed up if you say, a soulless congressman, sure. Hack away! Gut them and wear their intestines on your head, ya loopies. It's for the greater good. WTF??!!! 

Still no visit is complete without a visit from the 3 Satans. Yeah, yeah that could be confusing. We got Satan (Sean Whalen of The People Under the Stairs, Twister, The Young and the Restless, Chasing Ghosts, Halloween II, Hatchet III and Ugly Sweater Party), Creator of Satan (Bill Oberst Jr.of 1000 Ways to Die, A Haunting in Salem, Circus of Dread, The Blood Let, Assassins, Hell's Kitty and Welcome to Hell) and lastly the Antichrist, Son of Satan (Bernhard Forcher of August, Supernatural, Freedom, Fury, Grimm, The Man in the High Castle and Counterpart). Still confused? Well...okay not gonna lie. Pretty sure they are all loopy including the staff of doctors. I did spot a couple of my favorite scream queens, Brinke Stevens and Tiffany Shepis in the back.

With an EMP device the size of a frag grenade, the power's down and back-ups are not kicking in. The monsters are out of their boxes, kids. Play time!

With the doomsday scenario set, the prison is rigged for poison gas dispersal and any staff or personnel left behind, well they aren't getting to enjoy retirement.

What we have is a society demanding order and structure but completely violating the very rights this country stands for in order to create such harmony. To willingly place people in harm's way for the sake of more data gathered and they still have the audacity to call the murderers, monsters.

This is very much operating at the level of slasher horror and action film. The zoo has sprung and folks are coming out to spill gallons of blood.

For me, I was simply enjoying the who's who, decent story, substantial budget for a Horror film of this genre. You got crowd fights, falls off railings to level drops. Up close into the psychopath and sociopath mind. For the slasher buffs, oh yeah it has it. And yes, it has nudity. Almost always the same fricking question I am asked in this genre.

At 75 minutes we have fair dialogue and simple story with intense scenes, blood and bits caking the walls, I swear I am having Epinions.com flashbacks when I was stuck only writing about horror for them. So many film references. Pretty sure Yan Birch of The People Under the Stairs (Stairmaster) was Dr. Phibes so yeah there is a lot of inside jokes but no good humor here, folks. Just gore, some T&A and a substantial body count.

Trapped in a shaft and haven't had lunch. Cannibalism yet?

After School Massacre

And I am back again. Hold your applause. So random fan requests seems to be the order of the day introducing me to Indie Horror director Jared Masters (Climb It, Tarzan, 8 Reels of Sewage, Hollywood a GoGo, Slink, Deadly Punkettes, Club Lingerie, Ballet of Blood and Amethyst). Not sure if this will be Cheerleader Camp gore/ T&A levels or if I am dwindling into Zombie Doom Andreas Schnaas territory. I have a brief stint of his filmography that IMDB has and you know how accurate they are. (Spoiler! They declared George Romero dead five times prior his actual death) So howzabout a slasher flick of a teacher gone crackers and stalking helpless girly girls in their panties? No? Too bad. This is After School Massacre.a.k.a. A Teacher's Day Massacre a.k.a. Blood School a.k.a. Teacher's Day

Jess, are your boobs real?

Ohhh, it has Alternative Titles so yeah I get it now. Cause I do that gag every so often throughout the years. We open with an exterior night shot and then into a slumber party? K. Well I don't see any cheerleaders thus far but they could be out of uniform. While the better chunk of this slumber party are bouncing on the beds and have a good old time, one girl Erica (Abby Summers of After School Massacre) calls her ex and gives a death declaration. Apparently he was a real douche, heart breaker and in dire need of being castrated. What a Debbie Downer, Erica! So a handful of pills and bathroom crash later, the party is kinda done.

Cut to a series of school notebook notes as our credits unfolding, what sounds like a Casio keyboard test beat and ADR of some of the girls channeling Valley Girl and...well it was actual clever for an intro.

Mr. Andersen (Bruce Kade of Angel of Death, Betrayal and After School Massacre) lays down the law and one rule most of all, no beanies. Yeah guess the kids can smoke crack or shoot heroin directly in an eyeball but absolutely NO HATS! Jess (Savannah Matlow of After School Massacre) wants her hat back and her friend Devon (Nikole Howell of Diary of a Black Widow, Slapped!, The Studio Club and American Poltergeist) wants to know why Mr Andersen is undressing her with his eyes but won't accept her friend request. OMG Mr. Andersen, what is your damage? Ugh, slay in my sleep if I write like this again. Yes these girls are that petty and arrogant, they are looking to get him fired. Instilling values, concepts and ideals is a wee bit challenging when their noses are buried in chats, tweets and texts.

Yeah baby I respect ya and crap. You do anal?

 

Even his co-worker Kara (Kelly De Vries of Camp Little Creek, After School Massacre and Deadly Punkettes) has similar problems and Teacher Day may be a holiday but plenty of papers to grade and students to scar for life. Dean Wheatley (Art Roberts of Parasites, Home Video, Good Twenty, The Book of Ten Years, Garden Party Massacre, Absolute Vow and The Big Noir) has heard the water cooler talk, knows the skinny and has to let Andersen go because of the impeding scandal he could cause...for telling one of his students her outfit was a bit short and she can attract creepers. I think I would have heard his argument better if the boom mic hadn't captured the hum of the fluorescent overhead lights. Seriously I wasn't even wearing my headphones and it is just vibrating so loudly.

The evening mail is murder!

From dedicated teacher to spree killer we fade to next scene and get a dose of exposition to Mr. Anderson's whereabouts. Of course the cops are flat out incompetent finding him. Think Angel City via Black Scorpion. Those bumbling jackasses. I'm kidding, mere hours have gone by, so I guess he hid the bodies and the same batch of girls are having another slumber party regardless of suicide girl Erica. So rude of her gacking herself during their party. Yup some real sweet kids.

Big sister to Jess, Dee Dee (Simone Wasserman of Waterfront Nightmare, Glimpse, Bliss and Cicada) managed to land her the alpha male jagoff. Yup wandering eye doesn't even cover it as he is constantly eye banging Jess and her "hot friends" and has serious issues eyeballing their mom. Dee Dee Darlin' super glue is cheap and effective. Seal all the holes God gave this moron. I got the biggest smile when Ms. Perkins was Dawna Lee Heising of Meathook Massacre II. Yeah I adore her.

The sum up vibe of this film feels like if you combined Mean Girls, House on Sorority Row and add a dash of Prom Night and you have your film.

Quick couple of side notes here. Aside from the lovely and talented Dawna Lee Heising and TV personality Mindy Robinson, I didn't know a blessed thing of the rest of the cast until I mildly recognized Officer Harris(Steve Crest) from John Dies at the End. So I looked up his filmography and notice a few choice films with a more...shall we say NC-17 standing. Here are just a few titles of his Adult filmography I felt were funny and PG enough for me to list on this blog.

Too Big for Teens 7

Office Perverts 7

Boffing the Babysitter 10

Latin Adultry 14

Naught Nanny 3

Big Breast Nurses 5

and

Busty Bartenders

The other ones that made me laugh, well they're really not up for print on a fairly kid friendly blog.

At the end of the day, no this is not a new formula as our killer enraged is moving into Vorhees' style of kills, the kids aren't really that sharp and gore is the order of the segments. I do wonder what was up with the synthesizer soundtrack that sounded like a gathering of 12 year old boys holding a farting contest and creating about 3 loops. Our kills are creative, the cast is all doing their job and there is a tad bit of over acting but it really works for the sub-genre of slasher film. Mild to next to no nudity. Brave move there, director. All in all, this is solid work, good technical and decent Indie horror. Let's get Jared some more work and money!!

Oh my, however will they pay for that pizza? Bow chicka chicka wew wew!!

Eight Legged Freaks

Hey folks we are back for the hump day. Yeah allergies and sinus have been going crackers. So with that in mind how about another creature feature? No abnormally large rabbits that move like Joe Cocker on ether but instead gargantuan spiders instead. Relax, it has no John Agar. Director/writer Ellory Elkayem (Larger than Life, They Nest, Return of Living Dead: Rave to the Grave and Return of the Living Dead: Necropolis) attacks a small Arizona town and even has an Avenger. This is Eight Legged Freaks.

Yes honey, you can be Black Widow when you're older.

With the radioactive chemical spill trope giving it that 1950s feel. Think Them only a more modern dialogue and less superimposed creatures. Should I run in terror when David Arquette has top billing? Suddenly have Dewey flashbacks from Scream. Okay on with the write up here.

In the town of Prosperity Arizona, our local paranoid/X-File is the radio DJ Harlan (Doug E. Doug of Everything's Jake, Cosby, Touched by an Angel, Shark Tale, Justified, A Novel Romance and Law & Order: Special Victims Unit) spewing conspiracy theories to the level of Tremors' Burt Gummer...without a fraction of the training or firepower. Sorry Harlan, none can top the Gummer.

With the sleepy town waking up and a half awake truck driver loses one of the barrels carrying plot device, falls in a nearby cave. No doubt warping the flora and fauna but apparently only directly effecting the arachnids. Cue every boy and girl that ever screamed at a spider!

A week goes by and you know, I like that. Time has passed allowing for the contamination to happen. Running the elaborate roadside attraction spider farm, Joshua (Tom Noonan of Manhunter, Robocop 2, Last Action Hero, Heaven & Hell: North & South, Book III, Heat, The Astronaut's Wife, Knockaround Guys, Seraphim Falls, The House of the Devl and The Cape) could almost be Crazy Ralph of Friday the 13^th buuuuut he lacks screaming doom and death curse but has creeper old man vibe going. nerdy inquisitive boy Mike (Scott Terra of Charmed, Going Home, Ground Zero, 7^th Heaven, Motocrossed, Redemption of the Ghost, Daredevil and Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star) is seeing multiple species of spider getting huge and of course doesn't question Joshua on if that is safe, alarming or off putting because trusting kid. He's the Tooth Fairy kid, he is all sorts of wrong.

Grrr.. um spider noise, spider noise.

We are given a bit of exposition via Sheriff Sam Parker (Kari Wuhrer of Sliders, Anaconda, Spider's Web, The Hitcher II: I've Been Waiting, Berserker: Hell's Warrior, The Prophecy: Uprising, Hellraiser: Deader, The Prophecy: Forsaken and General Hospital) finding a barrel of x amount of chemicals and has to give her boy Mike a stern talking to. Bumbles McGee or Deputy Pete (Rick Overton of Willow, Blind Fury, Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventures, Mad About You, Serial Killing 4 Dummys and Six Feet Under) I can only assume is the comic relief and well his lifespan can go either way.

Rebellous daughter Ashley (Scarlett Johansson of Ghost World, Lost in Translation, A Good Woman, The Island, Iron Man 2, The Avengers, Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Lucy, Avengers: Age of Ultron, Hail, Caesar! And Avengers: Infinity War) is running with some mean motor scooters and... clearly the kids hate their small town where everyone knows their name and so on. Seriously they are as threatening to the town's harmony as a mild broccoli fart.

Let's not forget mumbly gruff Chris (David Arquette of Airheads, Beautiful Girls, Scream, Ravenous, Never Been kissed, Slingshot, Pushing Daisies and Medium). Guess that ten year hiatus from the town allowed him to catch the Woodsboro Slasher but he still wants a thorough frisking from our lady sheriff.

Naturally Mike has to be Goonies, Party of One and have untold adventures. In some regions of Arizona, they'll show you their One Eyed Willy. Mike discovers the spiders have grown expontenally and on the hunt for food stuffs so expect a few sacks of drained humans, cattle, local wildlife. It's gonna get messy. With Sam and Chris trying to help fight against these critters, I am reminded of needing boomstick, chainsaw and maybe a good flamethrower.

What's that? An old abandoned mine? Well of course Mikey will go exploring...the little nipple head.

Why did the writer call me a nipple head, Chris?

Chris is convinced his father died finding a viable vein in the mine and set the guys into action. Mike meets up with Chris and tries to warn the adult that giant spiders are a happening. With the usual luck of a small kid in these films always does. Sheriff Sammy gives him the typical too much Sci-Fi TV and movies spiel and grumbles.

Fortunately the town while comprised of idiots, they are idiots with weapons of all shapes and sizes so they stand a better chance then the usual. Waiting for alien bounty hunters and the town drunk to get liquored up and...oh wait, that's Critters. Apologies.

Yes this is not a new concept. The creature feature has been happening since the early 1950s and that's fine. The CGI is still not has widely perfected at 2002 and well that also is a bit of a pain but I have seen worse examples. The story is relatively simple and the dialogue won't win any awards but it is the right amount of cheesy for the overall staple they are going for.

I noticed a few continuity issues. Flashlights changing make, model and size. Gladys' cigarette going from damn near a butt to almost whole. Little issues to be sure, I just thought they were funny.

This is a popcorn movie, cheesy line and moderate action. They even tried squeezing in a mother/daughter dynamic coming of age story and well, that happened. Not brilliant but what do you expect from a title like Eight Legged Freaks?  Yes I pulled this off of Netflix for their May Horror package.  A PG-13 Horror/Sci-fi/Comedy.

GET SOME!