Hidden Gem: Blood Tide

Howdy readers. So racking my brain on what to view and I just decided on a coin toss and a RETURN TO PUBLIC DOMAIN. Yes the Public Domain roulette can be deadly to one's sanity or it can entertain on many levels. Did I reach in a septic tank and find a plum? Well it wouldn't matter. The hygiene and health issues alone sound too awful to begin to speculate. What do you get with a Playboy playmate, the voice of Darth Vader and a sea monster? This is Blood Tide

Right now she is thinking, "I should have jumped Marko's bones.

Writer/director Richard Jefferies (Bloodtide, 14 Going on 30, Scarecrows, The Vagrant, Man of the House and Cold Creek Manor) is an English director, filming in Greece with American actors. Should be fun. This film just boast treasures, adventures, a monster and sacrificing innocent virgins and wonder of wonders, it is a Also Known As with alternative titles like: Blood Tide, Demon's Island, The Red Tide and Demon Island.

With a booming voice over, we know now that thousands of years ago life was an eternal struggle for good and evil. A creature haunted the Aegean Sea. Only with the sacrifice of virgins, appeased the beast. Guess Hercules left this part of Greece alone to keep chucking attractive women to an sea beast. You suck Herc!  Treated like an everyday occurrence, they sent out on a small raft like a buffet conveyor belt from an Automat; and are given a coin in the mouth to bid farewell to the mortal realm and Lord Charon, ferryman of the dead safe passage to the other side. Worry not sexist pig types that read this, the sacrifices are at least topless.

Not the best transition as we don't hear a blood curdling scream or see blood spraying the caves but modern time (well for 1982) as a speedboat makes some chop in the water, a happily newlywed couple Neil (Martin Kove of Last House on the Left, Death Race 2000, The Karate Kid, Rambo: First Blood Part II, Cagney & Lacey, Black Scorpion, Black Scorpion Returns and Revamped) and Sherry (Mary Louise Weller of Serpico, Kojak, Hunters of the Reef, National Lampoon's Animal House, Starsky and Hutch, Supertrain, The Bell Jar and Vega$) Grice, vacationing on their honeymoon. A pleasant enough synthesizer intro for our couple and their 80s hair has been coifed just so. Think it's freeze dried from all the mousse. 

Nero the Hero vacations!

 They're stopping off to look for Neil's sister, Madeline (Deborah Shelton of of Fantasy Island, The Fall Guy, The A-Team, The Yellow Rose, Body Double, Dallas, Nemesis and Silk Degrees) as she has been missing or simply out of contact for four months. Neil and Sherry seem to be in a constant state of next to no clothing on. This is pre-boner pills so maybe they have to work more at it.

Wise old man/mayor Nereus (Jose Ferrer of Cyrano de Bergerac, Moulin Rouge, The Great Man, Dune, Seduced, Covenant, Blood & Orchids, The Love Boat and Newhart) is the voice of the movie similar to Donald Pleasance's portrayal of Dr. Loomis in Halloween, and similar to another Donald Pleasance film; Land of the Minotaur, the villagers are next to useless for Neil's questions.  I was waiting for Greek Crazy Ralph to appear and scream about death curses and how all was doomed. Hey I am just thrilled night shots are actual night shots and not that horrible day for night filter.

Neil encounters Shakespearean spouting, hard drinking and wealth obsessed Frye (James Earl Jones of Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb, The Great White Hope, Claudine, The Greatest, Star Wars: Episode IV- A New Hope, Exorcist II: The Heretic, Paris, The Flight of Dragons, Conan the Barbarian, Soul Man, Coming to America, Field of Dreams and Star Wars: Rogue One) and by encounter I mean he gets a butcher knife drawn to his throat and a look of a man willing to slash another from ear to ear. Y'know, a warm fella.  Did appreciate the Othello quotes though.

This is CNN...

Big sister seems barely lucid one moment and a bit snarky the next. Could be a dark and ominous portent or she could be high as a kite. Who can say. Embrace the possibilities.

Overtly jiggly and giggly Barbara or "Babs" (Lynda Cornell of Steel, Bloodtide, The Dukes of Hazzard, Too Close for Comfort, The Love Boat, Hotel, T.J. Hooker and Hunter) is giving the text book definition of dumb blonde. Turns out Frye is working to build up a substantial treasure find but those pesky kids he hired disturbed the ancient slumber of the beast.

With the whole town in a panic, Nereus speaks of the old ways of dealing with the creature. Yeah the lobbing virgin girls to the beast idea.

What we is a standard creature of legend story arc, some set of family values and the cliche greedy treasure hunters. The script is fair, the action is decent and the overall performances are quite good. The padding of the film however, is a bit long. Almost feels like they didn't really know what tempo to run it at so it does drag in places.

I was a little disappointed in the monster. Even some of the creatures of Danger on Tiki Island looked more believable and the premise is a bit similar. Perhaps with some additional POV shark like shots would have helped. I couldn't say. The creature's growl or sound effects sounded like someone walking in either a vat of grapes or jumping up and down in a crate of oranges.

Overall, it was enjoyable and is only an hour and a half. The fact that it was in public domain and I hadn't heard anything of it, makes this a find.  This can be found in public domain as well as my old buddies via Mill Creek Entertainment on one of their many 20 to 100 title launches.

POV of the Damned!!!

Silent Hill 3

Hey all. So after the SNAFU (Situation Normal All Fouled Up) of the poll, I would like to apologize. While I simply forgot to check with the blog that I did Silent Hill 2, I feel I should make up for the goof. So we will look at another Survival Horror game and hopefully give you my best take on the source material. As this has been a long lasting franchise going back to Playstation 1 and we fans all have the love for it. This is Silent Hill 3.

My puffy jacket aids me.

Brought to us by Konami via Playstation 2 and developed by Team Silent, our game is a direct sequel to the first game as we follow the adventures or madness down the rabbit hole with Harry Mason's now teenage daughter Heather (formally Alessa and later reincarnated Cheryl). Yes made from a 10 year old girl and manifested back to an infant... I need to create context, right? Okay spoilers for the first game.

With the Cult headed by Dahlia Gillespie, her daughter Alessa was intended to be the vessel to said living god that manifested as an incubus and there was a need to have Aglaophotis (an concoction that dispels demons) and the Seals of Metatron to raise said beast, Harry Mason's daughter Cheryl was adopted by he and his wife Jodie. Harry makes his way through the dimensional shifted Silent Hill and faces mortal danger to save Cheryl.

17 years later, Cheryl, now known as Heather is running errands for her dad at the shopping center, she falls asleep at the fast food place having nightmares of Silent Hill, running through the amusement park and fending off monsters. She wakes and calls her dad to let him know she is on her way home with she runs into a P.I. Cartland. Hired by the Order to find her. He's all mysterious about her history of her birth and what she means to the Order. She makes her way home armed with a pistol to defend herself only to encounter a blond woman all in black calling herself Claudia Wolf. She tells Heather "Remember me, and your true self as well and that she will lead them to Paradise with bloodstained hands." Yeah normally a girl has to worry about potential pedophiles not prophecies.

I sense impending doom today.

Levels like the subway and Otherworld portals leaves Cartland actually is as baffled as Heather pointing out he was only supposed to find her but feels like this job is so much more than it was explained to him by Claudia.

Booking back home she finds Harry brutally murdered and slumped in his chair. Heather vows revenge and realizes it all goes back to Silent Hill. Cartland drives Heather to Silent Hill for her to find out more of her past, why her dad was gacked and in general is looking to mess some folk up.

Back with melee and firearms attacks, exploration and more puzzles, we have a standard third person view. We are also back with the pocket radio that blurts loud static when monsters are near. So we are treated to the map screen of streets of Silent Hill 1 and she makes her way to Vincent a priest of the Order and chief antiquarian (librarian) and he gives her vague passages, quotes, the creeper eye and just happens to have her late father's notebook and detailed accounts of 17 years prior. HUH??!!!

between that ulterior motives of Claudia, Vincent and other members of the Order, finding out which path for Heather is hit or miss. Like the first two games, your actions and words will dictate your outcome again. So yes the hospital is still creepy and faceless nurses are roaming about as Elessa was constantly hospitalized. That will happen when your soulless mother is siphoning the actual life force out of you. Hey readers? Your mom do that? No? Then go hug her and tell her what a good mom she is.  Can't be easily to walk around anywhere with three sets of memories rolling around your coconut like some psychotic game of Bingo.

Like the first game with have Lewis Carrol references, H.P. Lovecraft, Shakespeare quotes on the harder levels and a bizarre fairy tale spread on pages throughout the town and its many levels. The amusement park is so well done as the psychokinesis of Alessa is still haunting it almost with her memories tainting the whole area.

Now in my head, Harry actually preparing Heather for this would have meant a completely different story line. I grant you can't pop into causal conversation, "Sweetie, a dark prophecy, plus a previous incarnation of yourself doomed an entire town, warped the fabric of reality and did almost bring about Armageddon. Pass the salt, please." Yeah that would sound like Harry was mad as a box of cats. The phrase Tu Fui, Ego Eris (As you are, I was; as I am, so you shall also be) is found throughout Hilltop Center making one of the creatures only known as the Glutton monster to disappear. If this phrase has not been uttered by Heather, she cannot get pass the creature or even harm it.

Stevie Nicks??

So following loss, exploration, a past she was never made aware of; this would be conflicting for anyone but lumping this all at the feet of a teenage girl seems inherently cruel. This kid is in the midst of figuring out her identity, who she is as a person, only to find out that was she knew to be concrete and true is all sand and lies. Did her dad ever truly love her or was he attempting to keep the world safe from utter darkness? Is the Order right for her destiny?

Unlike the films, the story is pretty clear and unfolds in the usual odd fashion that Silent Hill fans have come to expect these games. With still the tank controls or D-pad, the map screen for your health and weapons. While we get some very strange exposition, the gamers know a fraction of what's going on but are still pleasantly surprised by all that is happening. It is a journey of discovery with all the trimmings of actions equal consequences. With a morbid past, a present of utter madness it makes you wonder Heather's future.

Don't worry Silent Hill movie viewers, no appearances of Pyramid Head (as that was only a direct link to James Sutherland of Silent Hill 2), no goofy witch burnings because of unwed mothers, pop tart jump scares and absolutely no unnecessary Sean Bean padding like the first film. Still could have made him Harry Mason, have him scour Silent Hill for his daughter and defeat the followers of the living god via Dahlia Gillespie but hey, the hell do I know? Just a critic...and a fan of these games and one who appreciate proper handing of source material.

Outfitted with as always, a right angle flashlight, a pocket AM/FM red radio from the 50s and 60s, maybe a knife and pistol, the devilish shenanigans are well on their way. Naturally melee weapons and firearms are strewn about the town. Still feel the lead pipe and the shotgun are the best weapons.

This continuation was eerie, clever and had its moments of breaking the fourth wall that really gave this dark content a lighter motif. I highly recommend this for fans of the first two games. 

Hmm disturbing corridor of flesh or a book? what to look at first.

Resident Evil 2

And I am back folks. Sorry about last week, I needed to scrounge funds for much needed services. So I attempted a poll last week and only two responded. Again I am on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram, and I will be adding more polls to vote on at a later date. As mentioned, the poll was for two survival horror games due to I haven't written on any video games in some time annnnd... I screwed up. I already reviewed Silent Hill 2.  Whoops. This is Resident Evil 2.

Cheryl? oh wait, wrong franchise.

With the same if not greater love, 1998 sees the puzzles, exploration and single-player survival horror and game wise, is two months after the original. Our story lines follow Rookie Cop Leon Kennedy and college student Claire Redfield. Claire, sister of Chris Redfield is in town trying to find out the whereabouts of brother Chris. I personally own the N64 version of this.

On his first day of duty and decked out in riot gear, Leon starts his patrol, attacked by zombies and joins up with Claire on the way to Raccoon Police Department. The two decide to split up and make their way through the police station, previously an art museum they look for supplies, ammo and survivors. Chris finds and encounters Ada Wong, claiming to look for an Umbrella researcher John.

While evidence of political maneuvering, bribes and more than a handful of notes, it is pretty obvious that Umbrella Corp. Is back to its old tricks again. No hard evidence of the events with Spencer Mansion, Alpha and Bravo company of S.T.A.R.S.and all the T-Virus zombies, Chris makes his way to Europe to trace and expose Umbrella's misdoings.

That is one moody looking lesbian.

Once again, herbs of green, blue and red treat the zombie attacks, first aid bandages and first aid spray are also at the ready. Ammo, weapon mods, tank controls (D-pad or direction movement) and fixed camera angles, the mood and atmosphere is decidedly horror. With two playable characters you have scenarios with different puzzles and storylines vary. With Leon Kennedy A, Claire Redfield B, Claire Redfield A and Leon Kennedy B, allows for a different of events unfolding and each offer a unique story. Claire's storyline involves her meeting up and protecting a little girl, Sherry Birkin (Daughter of scientists William and Annette) has been left behind during the zombie outbreak.

With the same dangers of mass mutations similar to the T-Virus, the G-Virus or Golgotha developed by Birkin was attempting to give its host a regenerative property. Naturally the military applications means an unkillable soldier and an eugenics program. Twisting God's work and shocked of the horrible outcome. An massive Tyrant monster has been sent to RCPD to clean up any of the survivors so they don't get a chance to explain what truly happened and unravel the existing cover story. William Birkin near fatally wounded by Umbrella Corp mercenaries for not giving up the G-Virus, he doses himself with a large amount of the very same substance, giving his body wild levels of mutations and yup you guessed it, main boss battles.

So yes levels of creatures of the Lickers, Zombies, Plant monsters, a Tyrant known as Mr. X, things are pretty full. Now my major pet peeve is still the inexcusable need for puzzles and we have to take it as red that the architect that made Spencer Manor, clearly had a hand in deciding the museum. Still love the fact the RCPD managed to acquire the museum as some sort of tax write-off for the city.

With the remake made 21 years later and the graphics and characters look amazing, this was the version that got me truly interested in the series.

Amusing side note, George Romero directed the commercial for Biohazard 2 a.k.a. Resident Evil 2 and he also wrote a screenplay for Resident Evil film...and yet Capcom went with Paul W.S. Anderson's nonsense.

Bloody stairs you get locked up on.

Shaft's Big Score

Hey folks I have returned. Yeah it has been awhile since these reviews were back to back but I am just managing time better. Wibbly Wobbly aside, today I wanted to delve back into Blaxploitation and clear up a misnomer. One being today's film is the direct sequel to the private dick that's a sex machine and NOT Shaft in Africa. Yeah I know I have heard otherwise. Look at your chronology sucka or Hell just get on IMDB that surprisingly has this one under wraps. So yes we are getting a dose of Richard Roundtree being a bad mother once again. This is Shaft's Big Score.

He's undercover.

Not to be confused with Score's Big Shaft. Yeah not proud of writing porn but it pays the bills. Is he kidding? Figure it out yourselves. Nutty idea you could always ask when you put in film requests. 

 Shaft (Richard Roundtree of Portrait of a Hitman, Game for Vultures, City Heat, Maniac Cop, Night Visitor, Crack House, Roc, Se7en, Rescue 77, Shaft and Soul Food) is back in the streets, doing his thang when he gets wind of a racketing gig out of a friend Cal (Robert Kya-Hill of Shaft's Big Score, Death Wish, Lou Grant, Good times, Ryan's Hope and Sue) business being a funeral parlor. Trying to reach our protagonist on the horn (My guess he's all tuckered out from whatever girls he was with that night) and tell Shaft his plight. It's definitely more than a boggle.

Worried about his sister Arna (Rosalind Miles of Shaft's Big Score, The Black Six, Girls for Rent, The Manhandlers, Attack on Terror: The FBI vs.the Ku Klux Klan and Friday Foster) he asks Shaft to keep her safe and meet him at his office. With a serious bomb explosion, the Captain of the precinct, Brolin(Julius Harris of Live and Let Die, The Taking of Pelham One Two Three, King Kong, Split Decisions, Darkman, Maniac Cop 3: Badge of Silence and The Gifted) is grilling Shaft while his buddy Cal has been char broiled. Not cool, brah.

This is for getting more booty than us!

Once again directed by the late great Gordon Parks (Flavio, The World of Piri Thomas, The Learning Tree, Shaft, The Super Cops, Leadbelly and Moments Without Proper Names) so we are in good hands. A quick moment to talk about this amazing man, Parks was a photographer and reporter for Life Magazine in 1948-1949, is godfather to Quibilah Shabazz, daughter of Malcolm X , co-founder of Essence Magazine and alongside Melvin Van Peebles (Sweet Sweetback's Baadassssss Song, Don't Play Us Cheap, Gang in Blue, Tales of Erotica and Bellyful) are the founding fathers of Blaxploitation. Yeah babies, that is heavy.

Back to the movie under the MGM title, we are making away through Harlem, Laguardia and New York Manhattan proper as this mystery is just getting started. Hey am I wrong wanting Fred Williamson and Richard Roundtree to either team-up or have to duke it out? Shaft is trying to work out what brought this down on his buddy and solve his murder but more than a few bumps are in the road. Including mob boss Bumpy (Moses Gunn of Wild Rovers, Shaft’s Big Score!, The Cowboys, Rollerball, Good Times and Vega$) rears his head out of the sand as it would appear $200,000 is unaccounted for and Bumpy wants a payday. The funeral proceeds on schedule, Shaft and Arna get back to the house finding it tossed looking for the missing dough.

Those pigs call me booty?

To make matters worse, a rival crime boss, Gus Mascola (Joseph Mascolo of Hot Spur, Shaft's Big Score, Jaws 2, Bronk, Gangster Wars, Sharky's Machine, The Gangster Chronicles. Santa Barbara, General Hospital, The Bold and the Beautiful and Days of Our Lives) was in bed with Asby's partner Johnny Kelly (Wally Taylor of Roots, When a Stranger Calls, Palmertown, U.S.A., Circle of Power, Rocky III, Seduced and Night of the Creeps) tells da boss the 200 gees is in the wind. With the property being in Harlem this can only lead to a gang war.

Even after the death of his partner, Kelly is running numbers on sports gambling and it's business as usual. His runners are out and about. So classy is our boy Kelly slaps his girl Rita (Kathy Imrie of Shaft's Big Score, Let's Go for Broke, Night Heat, Street Legal, Street Law, Shadow Creature, Soul Food and Doc) for speaking while he's scheming and sweating out dealing with the Italians.

No sooner he has a sit down with Mascola, Kelly is already thinking of bringing the action to Bumpy. Maybe the hope is the rub each other (Not that erotic way, ya pervs) and then the landscape is clear for Kelly to cruise on through. Yeah fellas there is plenty of T & A to go with this action packed film. Oh ladies, they were gonna ask. It was inevitable.

Can Shaft get out of this one? Will Bumpy get his just due? Will Kelly be hanging from a lamp post?

With a budget of 1.9 million, the mechanics of the cinematography have vastly improved, getting the same screenplay writer Ernest Tidyman back and the sheer larger scale of this flick felt like a Bond movie. Hell even the original posters gave that vibe. We got helicopter chases, car chases, gunfights and even a good boat chase.  Issac Hayes does not come back for his iconic Shaft theme as apparently he and Gordon had a falling out.

Finally saw a High Standard Model 10 bullpup 12 gauge. Something I haven't seen since Jame Caan's Thief and Miami Vice. 12 gauge, five round capacity and it's semi-automatic. Awesome cannon.

So yes this is a good solid sequel. Not truly a stand alone film as it does rely heavily on the predecessor but still a good follow-up, decent lines and Shaft being a total bad ass.

Bad mutha with a boomstick!

Sniper

Hey gang. Taking a slight break from indie horror for a bit. At least a post worth. Today I thought we could do with suspense thriller/action with Tom Berenger and Billy Zane shot in Australia because Panama might possibly been pissed about that. This is Sniper.

Camera man's stalking us, kid.

Master Gunnery Sergeant Tom Beckett (Tom Berenger of The Big Chill, Platoon, Major League, Shoot to Kill, The Field,The Substitute, Shadow of Doubt and Training Day) Marine recon sniper. With 74 confirmed kills, he is one of their best. He and his spotter Cpl. Papich (Aden Young of Exile, Metal Skin, River Street, Paradise Road, War Bride, The Bet and The Code) are on mission to assassinate a rebel leader of Panama and restore free elections. Their extraction was set for night and it happens at daylight. Papich is taken out by a rival sniper and Beckett drags his body to the chopper.

NSC (National Security Council) drums up an inexperienced civilian that's a sharpshooter in the Olympics and a SWAT team with zero combat experience, Miller (Billy Zane of Critters,Blood and Concrete, Millions, Tombstone, Tales from the Crypt: Demon Knight, The Phantom, Head Above Water, Titanic, BloodRayne and Samantha Who?) that they feel will work in concert with Beckett, follow the mission and take out the offending rebels As always, it gets complicated by giving Miller rank and lead on this mission. When he doesn't speak the language, has had no time in the jungle and doesn't know the region at all.

With the additional bonus round, Beckett knows the sniper that took out Papich because he trained him. The guy is now a merc and works at the highest bidder. His work speaks for itself. As a huge hampering on the mission, Beckett tells Miller they got to take this sniper out before he does them.

Didn't like The Phantom, huh? Really?

Carrying the motto of "One Shot, One Kill", showing some of the recon movements including the belly crawl that the Marines adapted from the Apaches, along with stealth equals better survival every time. Miller out of his element questions everything Beckett is trying to teach him because he thinks Beckett has lost his crap ages ago. He's been out in the jungle too long and so on.

Penned by writers Michael Frost Beckner (Sniper, Cutthroat Island, Spy Game, The Agency, CSI: Crime Scene Investigations, Gold Fever and To Appomattox) and Crash Leyland (Sniper, The Final Cut, Sniper 2 and Sniper 3) these fellas ratchet up the tension and make the audience feel moment to moment. There is hardly any downtime from scene to scene. These men can die at any time.

Dammit, now I have to pee.

And finally more icing on this crap cake, a former CIA agent nicknamed The Surgeon or El Cirujano (Ken Radley of Big Sky, Home and Away, Dear Claudia, Something in the Air, Like Mother Like Son: The Strange Story of Sante and Kenny Kimes, Stingers and Dying Breed) who is now an enforcer for the drug cartel providing the rebels with money is pissed his traffic flow is being messed with and now hunts through the jungles to find them both. It's a waiting game to see who tips their first hand.

Can Beckett and Miller work together?? Will they get themselves killed or end up killing each other??

Beckett is such a strong character to behold. Marine since Vietnam has been in and out of the hot spots his entire career. Loved that Hollywood figured out a role for Berenger that was hard nosed, tough and made a lot of leading men look soft by comparison. Zane's Miller is the everyman in this. No experience, lot of talent and the sheer terror he feels is what the audience has churning through their guts as well

With this the simplistic story, the complexity of the characters is what really moves the movie along. This lone film can stand alone but has spawned an entire series beyond what anyone probably expected it to. Without this as the foundation, those sequels would have never happened nor would they have the same weight as the original. Yes I do enjoy the second and third movie and looking into continuing you all down this rabbit hole and see if you dig them as much as I do.

The tones change, and the action gets torqued higher but ultimately one shot equals one kill.

Miller, hardly anyone liked The Phantom.

Witchcraft XI: Sisters in Blood

Welcome to the new week. Well it took some doing and perusing but I finally found a copy of a sequel several fans were asking me to find. For those that don't want to read YET ANOTHER horror sequel, well make some suggestions please. For everybody else, the wait is finally over. Yes the demand for more Stephanie Beaton is on and we will see how this goes. We are to embark on another Witchcraft film. This is Witchcraft XI: Sisters in Blood.

Satan demands you motorboat me.

As many of you will recall, Lucy Lutz (Stephanie Beaton of Wicthcraft IX: Bitter Flesh, Zombie Gang Bangers, Witchcraft X: Mistress of the Craft, Monster in My Car, Eyes of the Werewolf, Witchcraft XI: Sisters in Blood and A Passion) was in London and asked by Bureau 17 to join up along with Agent Celeste after the big vampire and Satanists showdown and...well I don't think that plot line is going to connect here.   But hey! Garner's back! Lutz's partner Garner (Mikul Robins of Teen Wolf, Frogtown II, Witchcraft IX: Bitter Flesh, Sexual Chemistry, Dark Secrets, My Haunted House and Opus of an Angel) are going to be busy busy as Will Spanner, Warlock and Lawyer Extraordinaire has returned!

Dayum, girl you lost...well any sex appeal.

 

Going on his fifth regeneration (yes that was a timelord reference) Will (James Servais of Scanner Cop, To the Ends of Time, Erotic Confessions, Madam Savant, V-World Matrix, Witchcraft XI: Sisters in Blood and Dog Story) is still with Kelly (Wendy Blair of The West Wing and Witchcraft XI: Sisters in Blood) and for some continuity issue, um they are still engaged. Yeah this engagement has been going on forsix years. Dude commit already.   Director/writer Ron Ford (The Mark of Dracula, Alien Agenda: Endangered Species. Riddled with Bullets, Deadly Tales, A Passion to Kill and Deadly Scavengers) brings us back to the roots of Witchcraft, meaning there are actually witches again and yes they will try to seduce Will to the dark side and...maybe we need something new. Our movie revolves around Kelly's sister (yup didn't know she had one either) and her college shenanigans. Probably mostly beer bongs, bisexuality and learning magic, because every college girl has the Willow from Buffy experience...if it is written by a horny, basement dwelling perv and not Joss Whedon.

So Kelly's sister Colleen (Miranda Odell of Sweet Evil 2: Sapphire and Witchcraft XI: Sisters in Blood) is absorbed in the Scottish play Macbeth. Her director looks like the master from Manos: The Hands of Fate and her co-stars Maria (Lauren Ian Richards of Witchcraft XI: Sisters in Blood) and Keri (Kathleen St. Lawrence of Witchcraft XI: Sisters in Blood) want to do spells in a graveyard with a grimoire. This is somehow good for the play. WHAT?!!! How is dabbling in the black arts and I assume blood magic going by the title going to prepare you for a role in Shakespeare?! So if this was Hamlet, would they have committed incest and killed their fathers to be with their mothers???!!! Is it bad to point out that the play is happening in a Catholic college?

Well at least it ain't vampires this time, Lutz.

So our dabblers are only going to raise three witch sisters from THE DEAD!!! Yup totally reasonable and clearly something that looks good on a college transcript. Says here you're a people person, you can do Spreadsheet and you raise the dead. You're hired!... somewhere else.

So if they conjure up these dead broads they can open a gateway to Hell. Again, Catholic girls are a bit scary. A further addendum, Colleen points out how she and Kelly had fire and brimstone sermons drummed in their heads for years and this is why Kelly rebelled, fell in love with a man foretold to lead all evil on the planet and is a master warlock and...wait a minute. Is this getting goofy? 

 Naturally our night foray into the dark arts requires the girls to be topless. Must be a key ingredient for black magic or possibly banking on T &A selling this flick. Naaaah, I'm clearly just jealous I don't write this well.  Maria is taken over by one of the sisters and gacks a moron teenage horndog so no loss there.

My polo shirt protects me from your sorcerous ways!

 Once again Satan gets typecast as the corrupter of youth and the spoilers of virgins. Oh and they are supposed to open a hell gate for Abaddon. Um isn't that the Angel of Death? I admit my CDC is a bit rusty but according to Hebrew texts, Abaddon is the Angel of the Abyss. Of course New Testament also establish Abaddon as another name for Jesus after the resurrection so I am all sorts of confused on this dogma.

Enough about boobs! Where's Lutz and Garner? Surely evil is afoot! Two of the college horndogs tell Lutz and Garner that they were ogling the topless trio and then Jay got killed. So our dynamic duo go to work. Also Garner is a sexist pig now.  Um character development I guess?  Seriously, Lutz looks like she is inches away from smoking this little piggy.  They happen to bump into Will and Kelly as they passed through the very same graveyard that is technically a CRIME SCENE and not taped off. Well I don't blame Lutz and Garner, probably lazy ass unis not doing their job.

Will states he doesn't sense any dark powers and he seems to be okay with magic again. Just need some consistency dude. And then he whips around to Kelly after our cops leave and tells her there are dark forces at play. Bro, that particular twosome are gonna be pissed you just lied to them. The hell brah? Will wants to get to Colleen before the coven has taken her over, released the demon Abaddon and open a hell gate. But don't worry, male readers. There's boobs. Yes that oh so important deciding factor YOU ALWAYS ask me about. Lady readers, well you know I didn't write, direct or film any of this. I can only apologize for boobs so many times.

Okay the creature effects, the wraith like witches is actually good. The energy beams from eyes however, yeah not so good. Glad to see Lutz and Garner back but still not a lot for them to do. Current Will is lacking in real charisma, the fights are kind of impressive and once again a coven or sect of warlocks is trying to turn him to the dark side. IT DOESN'T WORK!!! Will's left a trail of bodies of those that have tried and failed ultimately so stop trying to entice him. Between offers of booty, power and enough witchy orgy badness he can digest, Will has been loyal to Kelly through and through. Face it!   He's not going to lead your armies of darkness and shroud the world in endless night or whatever the script wants this time.

Stephanie's Lutz is a hard nosed bad ass cop again, guns blazing and getting into danger. I wonder how many shots fired forms they fill out each movie.  Garner is taking her lead and he is still questioning if magic is real??? DUDE!   You have fought satanists, vampires and now witnessing a demon coming up from out of the ground.   Even Scully is saying, "Duh dumbass."

So overall the acting is fair, the witches three are well topless for a lot of it. Sex scenes fly by quickly and the sound quality was a vast improvement over ten. Will is constantly being tempted to his darker nature. Shouldn't one of these sect leaders just invite him for tea and open a dialogue instead of throwing magic floozies at him all the time? Not the greatest follow-up but I was glad that Garner and Will managed to make it back in and no vampires this time.

Oh you didn't just say that to Garner, Will!

Girls Guns and Blood

Hey kiddies! I have returned. So after a few fistfuls of horror, I was informed I have been dipping into the genre a bit too often. Now mind you, I really don't mind Horror as a whole but a few select fans have pointed out it feels a tad bit like the Epinions.com days and they were hoping I had something else. Well thanks to a bit of write ups for Dustin Ferguson and I suspect a clever girl who starts in today's movie is why I was asked by the co-writer/co-director/executive producer Robert Rowland (Fallen Angels, Ice Scream: The ReMix, Dead Man's Fuel and The Cottages) if I wanted to take a look at an action comedy shot in grind house fashion. A tale of woe with brothel getting robbed by a ruthless gang of thieves. Apparently these ladies decide a little payback is in order. This is Girls, Guns and Blood.

This kitty came to play.

Brought to us by production companies, Gaucho Productions, Porr Hund Entertainment and Rowling Bones Productions these fine collective of gals are not all they appear to be. No don't jump to vampires and werewolves just yet. Simmer down. Penned along with Rowland, writer Jeff O' Brien (Blind Heat, Alien Incursion, Ghost in a Teeny Bikini, Bikini Girls from the Lost Planet, Bone Dry, Prey for the Beast and Attack of the Giant Leeches) the two team-up to ramp enthusiasm, libidos and action fans to a grade A all-out crazy. We open with a chain of events in reverse, catching up to the actions that lead to these soon-to-be met consequences. A piano concerto as we witness an aftermath of bondage, breakage and beatings. I didn't say it was a Disney film, gang but hang in there. Five men hightail it with goodies in a bag and get to their truck as a curvy redhead Monique (Rebecca Love of The Departed, Bikini Girls from the Lost Planet, Ghost in a Teeny Bikini, Bikini Pirates, Bewitched Housewives and Cleavagefield)comes out in a black teddy and a six shooter, looking to put some hurt on these not-so good ole boys. For those guessing, she's pissed off.

Flashback to yesterday, DBIC(dirt bag in charge) Jamie (James W. Evermore of Dixieland, Salem, Joe Dirt 2: Beautiful Loser, Hap and Leonard, Free State of Jones, NCIS: New Orleans, The Cottages and Happy Death Day 2U) enlists the aid of his merry men as they are off to do some crimes. Yeah a joyous bunch to be sure. Our busy brothel has had activities cut short as they are having a little pow wow, um...hoe down? Community meeting? Yeah that will do.

Yes boys, hers is bigger than yours.

And before I go any further, yes male readers there's titty in it. For my female readers, I would like to apologize but you honestly cannot fathom how many times I am asked about that in any Sci-fi Fantasy, Action or Horror film I review. So yeah there are in fact gobsmack amounts of titty. How much is a gobsmack? What am I? Google? Work it out.

Popping out of the pool water in slow-mo status is Vixen (Adult actress Cherie DeVille of Mandingo's MILFs 2, Sex and Submission, The Grinch XXX Parody, The Coven Wives, Prime MILF 5, Lesbian Lessons Vol. 2 and Lesbian Anatomy) and frankly I thought Siren would have been a better name. Going medieval, nautical and Greek tragedy like.  Fine, I thought it was clever. Vixen is attached to a muscle bound nerdy guy in glasses. Yeah that imagery baffles me as well. Kaiser (Stuntman/martial artist Woody Almazan of Girls Guns and Blood) has had a money SNAFU and Vixen informs Kaiser he's on bread and water until that money has been recovered.   A balaclava and dark clothed wearing gentleman has to correct this over-site or he will be wearing parts of his lower anatomy as earrings.

Now with the meeting underway with the ladies, Kitty (Christine Nguyen of Bikini Jones and the Temple of Eros, House Broken, Kaboom, Sexual Witchcraft, Tanya X, Hollywood Sex Wars, Baby Dolls Behind Bars, Vigilante Diaries, The Coed and the Zombie Stoner and After Midnight), Trix (Adult actress Britney Amber of Family Business, Couples Vacation, The Training of O, Prime MILF 5, Hot and Mean, Barb Wire XXX, The Next Morning, First Dates Volume 2 and Superbound), Beretta (Adult actress Kleio Valentien of Diary of a Nanny Vol. 8, Dirty Talk, Taking Control, Infernal Restraints, This Ain't Fallout XXX, Suicide Squad XXX: An Axel Braun Parody, Hogtied and Meet My Girlfriend) and Angel (Cody Renee Cameron of No Respect for the Dead, Gods of the Arena: The eSports Dramedy, The Neon Demon, Deadly Sins, Officer Downe, The Obsidian Curse, The Sex Trip, Golden State, The Cottages, Handy Dandy and Girls Guns and Blood).  They are to partake in a high rollers party. Yes that is serious coin and these boys are looking to spend and get their money's worth.

This thong is chafing. Ew.

Warned they are about to embark on some serious freaky requests, Monique tells the girls they are in charge and brothel strong arm Thumper (Chaz Taylor of Hairmetal Shotgun Zombie Massacre: The Movie, Anna Nicole & the Starlight Angel, The Suplex Duplex Comple, Indie Girl, Project Jyn and Lone Star Deception) in case anything goes completely pear shaped. With a couple of extra hands Loni (Holly Reidenbach of Girls Guns and Blood) Emily (Danielle Evon Ploeger of Littlefield, Last Girl Standing, The Prey, A Room Full of Nothing and Girls Guns and Blood) and Vice (Jamie Hooks of Girls Guns and Blood), it's all hands on deck for the party.

The craziness unfolds, the girls band together to get things done and revenge. So yes some good hand-to-hand fights, gunfights and some chases. Hell Trix is rocking a compound bow with a slow recurve, so that's at least 65 to 80 lb pull back. Kitty packing a retractable steel baton, twirling it like this wasn't her first rodeo. Could have been some seriously kinky clients I but I would be speculating at that and Berretta seems to prefer hand-to-hand. Having great handheld for close-ups, POV and action catching, the cinematography is vastly better than I was expecting.

With the vibe of Russ Meyer's Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill!, a dash of Rick Jacobson's Bitch Slap and a pinch of Andy Sidaris' Guns, the girls deliver the goods. It's there for you. Action, good comedy, bit of the ultra violence and yes, the aforementioned titty. Ladies, I swear you haven't an idea how often this is asked. On a weekly basis damn near. These bad girls will get their men or die trying. 

So it's available VOD on iTunes, Amazon and Google Play.  So if 75 minutes of girls kicking ass, looking good while they do it sounds like your kinda flick, give it a view.

No one dumps me on Messenger!