A*P*E*

Hiyas kiddies! Did you miss me? No? Not even a little bit. Again, I stress if there is something you want me to review, all you need to do is to hit me up on Facebook via Rotten Reelz Reviews page and leave a suggestion. If needs be, I will create an e-mail solely for suggestions, comments and complaints. That being said however how about a King Kong knock off? Not enticing enough? Well if I through a giant killer great white shark, would that help? Still no? Alright dammit I am pulling out all the stops and aiding an enormous python as well. That clenched it. This is APE.

The suspense of a man in a gorilla suit vs a snake is killing me!

Okay let's get the alternative English titles out of the way because there are so many and each are a gem in of themselves. The New King Kong, Super Kong, Hideous Mutant, A*P*E*, The King Ape, A*P*E*: Attacking Primate Monster and my personal favorite that made me snicker; Attack of the Giant Horny Gorilla. No, I did not make up that title.

Brought to us by Kukje Movies in 1976 (Final Temptation, Cheondong, The Bloody Fist, Valley of the Wicked, Iron Will, Kung Fu Party and Two Sisters), a South Korean production company brings us the impeding terror that is APE... Shot primarily in Seoul and probably a few back lots and closed sets for the small scale footage, so expect a few goofs, some factual errors and more bad line English dubbing than most early Jackie Chan flicks. Normally I honestly try to be objective to most movies, even the ones I do not care for but every so often, I get one of these movies that make me want to pull my hair out. I suppose I should begin at the beginning then.

God, I hope that isn't a real, dead shark he is wrestling with.

If you will recall, many moons ago I reviewed Mighty Peking Man which was a rip-off of King Kong as well, and while the story wasn't to really take away from, nor was it original and genius, it still was vastly superior to this pile of monkey flop I felt was interesting today. While both films were cashing in on the 1975 remake starring Jeff Bridges, Charles Grodin and Jessica Lange, this was the most poorly executed, lower budget and having no idea how to scale items and creatures. I was baffled how a 36 foot ape is towering of a 20 story high rise. Whoops? Also what drags in the audience for a King Kong wannabe? Let's put it in 3-D! Ahh Styrofoam rocks are flying off the screen! Our movie opens up on a small scale freighter that looks like it is floating in a kiddie pool as apparently we have a group of sailors, great white hunters that have tagged and trapped our ape...totally off screen. You know, because that would have been interesting to view.

Our ADA recordings are so loud and we get so much static between lines it is actually painful to hear in mono. Riveting material aside, our creature finally starts wake from the "gas" they put him out with wears off pretty darn quick and there's a rumble at the high seas as a badly constructed and fake fur glued hand appears. The boat just up and explodes and maybe you shouldn't transport your giant apes next to that cargo hold full of nitroglycerin. Quick note, apes aren't known for their swimming ability at all. Looks like they raided a Wal-Greens for one of those cheaply made gorilla costumes and hoped that no one would see the Velcro portions in the back. For no reason other than Jaws hit the charts, the ape is combating a large shark for...reasons and proceeds to slap around said blatantly obvious rubber shark to a battle to the death. Also thank God he was so close to the shore, given most water is deeper than 36 feet as our annoyed simian makes his way to Korea to start his rampage. SOLDIERS LEAVE APE ALONE!..is what he would have said if given a voice for his rage.

Of course every giant ape needs a helpless blonde girl to scoop up and our visiting actress to South Korea is...Joanna Kerns from Growing Pains? Eh, beats working with Kirk Cameron. Oh this scene with kids sneaking into an amusement park which is vacant for no particular reason, you see our A*P*E* gawking longingly at the kids to the point I am calling a sex offender hot line. It had no real context to anything. He didn't trash the place or eat the little ones so overall no point to it.

This film is the reason of drinking games with your friends. Already I have seen enough guide lines(wires that keep an object, person or thing in frame of your shot) for the 3-D cheese to cause alcohol poisoning. With houses, buildings and even streets looking like they are painted cardboard and Styrofoam, it is no wonder than King Kong and Jaws were not threatened by this turd waffle. This film offers excellent material for riffing and outright mocking but aside from that, yeah don't bother with it.

Cold waters doesn't improve APE's disposition...or image.