Well folks a year has passed, we've explored the audio reviews and moved into video reviews.
I promise you all that I will continue this pace, try to do more written blogs now that I have a bit more experience under my belt.
Hopefully we will have podcasting with Shawn who you can get ahold of at Rotten Realmz Group, more video reviews the resurrection of Rotten Riffs for the OGBklynGirl and I could get back to mocking shorts and perhaps movies as well. I can definitely promise better editing.
And I'm back. Hey readers welcome
back to the blog of Public Domain Goodness and again nothing that
good in it. Today's flick has been deemed "The Worse Movie Ever
Made," and I call b.s.to that. I have yet to view the worse
movie ever made because every time I am ready to declare that flick,
another film bashes that one over and I am back at square one.
Whomever decreed this the worse movie ever hasn't sat through Andreas
Schnass Violent Sh*t movies but I digress. This film is brought
to us by Ed Wood himself as writer, producer and director. Is it a
massive steaming pile or just low budgeted, poorly written and
edited? This is Plan 9 from Outer Space.
A sperm whale? Oh wait, that's Tor.
Given 8 plans came prior I shudder to
think how dumb those were. Ed Wood (Outlaw Queen, Bride
of the Monster, The Bride and the Beast, The Sinister Urge, Married
Too Young, Glen or Glenda) brings us a very clunky plot as
aliens who have contacted Earth prior threaten to take over the
planet...apparently one town at a time. They're not very organized
but they do have a plan. Plan 9 involves the resurrection of the
dead and using them as a disposable army to swarm the populous and subjugate them to their dastardly will.
No Timmy, you cannot have more than 4 cookies.
Thus far they decided a late bride,
played by character actress/horror glamour model/chorus girl Vampira
a.k.a. Maila Nurmi. A flight
from Burbank is going on at 4 in the morning, in spite of the daily
stock footage looking about 3 in the afternoon. Co-pilot Danny
(David De Mering of Plan 9 from Outer Space and Night of
the Ghouls) and Captain
Jeff (Gregory Walcott of The Sugarland Express,
Thunderbolt and Lightfoot, The Eiger Sanction, Kojak, Midway, The Six
Million Dollar Man, ChiPs and Vega$)
witness a spectacle not common in their skies. A flying
saucer...that looks like a Jiffy Pop bag on a string. Shocking!
Somehow
the wife of Old Man (Bela Lugosi of Dracula, Island of
Lost Souls, The Black Cat, The Black Sleep, Bride of the Monster,
Brooklyn Gorilla, Suspense, Scared to Death and Abbott and Costello
meet Frankenstein) animates
and kills two grave diggers...presumptuously. It was off camera.
No sooner is Old
Man is buried a couple of family friends found the sweaty grave
diggers and their sweat coated pants. Dead Swamp Ass!!!
L.A.'s
finest are hot on the case led by Inspector Clay (Tor
Johnson of The Unearthly, Bride of the Monster, The Black Sheep,
Journey to Freedom, Plan 9 from Outer Space, Night of the Ghouls, The
Beast of Yucca Flats and Head)
as they explore where the grave diggers' bodies were found. While
his team secures the scene (sound stage),
Clay decides to knock around a whale. Yeah folks, if you are the
many that complain about Schwarzenegger's accent, GOOD LUCK
deciphering what the hell Tor Johnson said. Close Captions told me
he was having a look around.
Jeff reminisces
over the flying saucer to his wife and Army Brass told him to keep
his yap shut. In spite of telling his wife.
Clay
is buzzed by the saucer and then attacked by Vampira and Not Bela
Lugosi (a stand-in had to step in when Bela passed away
during filming) thus
killing him off camera on the lone sound stage they had. So yes
they bury Clay in the very same graveyard.
Soon it is
revealed by an Army Colonel to Jeff that aliens are responsible for
all of these shenanigans of the dead. Colonel, Lt. Harper and Jeff
spring into action to fend off these incompetent aliens. With
pistols.
Bring in the space steamer for the space drapes.
Our best army
stock footage from Korea new reels couldn't stop these aliens.
What
do we take away from this ambitious film? Well the film attempts
science fiction/gothic horror and the period piece term Atompunk
(From 1945-1965 atomic age, jet and space age dealing
with Soviet communism, Cold War era and superhero films and comics)
a 50s take on what the future looks like. Nonsensical dialogue,
theatre with way too much melodrama and an introduction by Ed Wood's
friend Criswell, a psychic. Narrative approach to explain the
action. Trying a hand at government conspiracy to cover up the UFO
sightings.
The problem is
shots do not match from scene to scene, Afternoon to mid evening to
suddenly jet black at night on a sound stage and most of the dialogue
just sounds like odd rambling. Trying for a The Day the Earth
Stood Still, a more advanced civilization attempts to invade the
Earth but clearly they did not have the budget for spaceship models,
scale work or even that large of a cast. Props of the "spaceship"
look like they have been lifted from previous Frankenstein movie
sets, ham radios and loads of curtains when they clearly couldn't get
some set builders.
No
objectives are clear, the plot does not add up the subplots, the
characters really have no motivation and there is no real direct
meshing of these scenes. I did get to enjoy (loathe)
several sweaty large men swamp ass shots. This film is great for
maybe a drinking game, something a gathering of friends to make fun
of and yes thankfully Rifftrax made a version to mock outright.
He's a tween, his partner a goob. Stay tuned for Cop and 3 Quarters.
And we're back with more Public
Domain Goodness. Actually that is a contradiction because there is
nothing good to be had about today's gut wrenching pain. Dragging
at the speed of a snail on a leave, our film tops off at a whopping
96 minutes of pure unadulterated Hell. Tis' the season after all
and given I am in warmer climates I have to look a bit harder for
Christmas.
This is Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny.
I can't see in this mask. Was that a log or a hobo I ran over?
This particular abomination in the eyes
of God and humanity is brought to us by R&S Film Entertainment
from the year of 1972. Written, directed and musically scored
by R. Winer (Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny) and
clearly gone and never seen nor heard from again. Production comes
from a children stories/exploitation producer Barry Mahon
(Cuban Rebel Girls, Rocket Attack U.S.A., The Dead One, Santa's
Christmas Elf Named Calvin) and boy oh boy are we in for a
treat. I mean, if you can't trust quality morality and noble
intentions from the producer of Sex Killer, Fanny Hill Meets Dr.
Erotico and The Wonderful Land of Oz, then frankly you are a touch
cynical.
Santa is stuck in Florida as all his
reindeer revolted and left his bulbous ass in the heat and surf. No
real mention why and Santa doesn't exactly seem to be busting his
hump to fix this. This thread bare plot was linking a jolly old fat
man, some zany kids and helping good old Santa out of his plight so
he can get back to delivering toys. This film is so poorly executed
aside from finding out the actor playing Santa, I think the parents
of the kids demanded their names stricken from the bill. Seriously
most of them didn't even have names.
Now children, you must be wondering why Santa has no pants.
Santa has been baking in the sun for a
while as we were treated (and by we I mean I suffered) saggy
sweaty swamp ass. Yup that pan about of Santa getting in and out of
the sleigh was a treat for all to behold. HOLIDAY SWAMP ASS!!! Or
Santa's saggy diaper sprung a leak.
So the kids find alternative animals to
pull the sleigh while Santa decides to have a musical number. Did I
mention this was also a musical? Probably still reeling from
experiencing it myself. After many vain attempts at different
animals, the kids are tired and stumped what to do. To pad the film
uh I mean pass the time, Santa apparently dropped acid and has a
flashback about a story he heard.
A completely separate fairy tale, told at
a theme park in Dania Florida called Pirate's World. A tale that has
no bearing on Christmas, a moral lesson or any relevance
WHATSOEVER!!!!
Instead the kids get to delight at the
whimsy of a crazy old man in a Santa suit as we have stock footage
from Pirate World and Thumbellina. Because Thumbellina is
so...Christmas like. At best guess as this story is narrated from
a PA speaker system in the park, you get the idea they originally had
these live action fairy tales as a means to entertain the kids when
the rides made them throw up too many times.
I tell you elves, we need to strike.
Dig this. The bloody story is almost
36 minutes long. Yup Santa and the kids share in this wondrous tale
with paper mach'e toadstools, large creature suits and music that had
all its potential charms strangled from it. Over a half hour this
diverting story and what does it have to do with Santa and his
reindeer on strike??? Absolutely nothing. A complete and
deliberate waste of your time.
Swamp Ass Claus finishes this long
winded tale and if you look at it analytically, he speaks of a
narrator telling the tale. So then kids, the nice lady spoke of how
Thumbellina was lost in the woods with the poor backdrop, the high
school production quality sets and the lighting that changes from
moment to moment.
Bearing this time wasting bastard no
more, several of the kids head out in search of the one being that
could summon all his might to do what's right. Yes the Ice Cream
Bunny. With it's cold, dead shark-like eyes and not saying a single
word, this nightmare fuel proves Santa a lift in his old timey fire
truck of which I can't even guess how the guy in the suit saw to
steer it. Moving at speeds of maybe 10 mph, they head over to pick
up Santa and then...well more music and roll credits.
I kid you not. That's it. Again
like Planet of the Dinosaurs, this also has been picked apart by
Rifftrax and they have a holly jolly time mocking this hellish
creation. Andrew Lloyd Webber plays are more enjoyable. Shot in
16mm and converted to 35mm print, normally I cheer at this but no, I
have no love for this film.
I am not even certain who this film
could entertain. I guess if you have a small child that smacks him
or herself with a brick, this would be a distraction. If your child
suffers from eating too much lead paint when you are not looking,
well this film might induce vomiting, clearing the toxic material
from him or her.
If you were planning on creating a Saw
based torture chamber and just simply force your victims to watch a
movie, with locked and bolted doors, a projector against a tile wall
and turned up the built-in speakers encased in shatterproof boxes so
they can never drown out the sounds of this awful movie... well
you're unhinged and have an excellent flick to cause agony.
Personally I would make it part of my
last will and testament to torment family members greedily awaiting a
good sized payoff. Ya wants the dough, on wif da show.
96 minutes does not seem like much
normally and I would agree if it wasn't for the incredibly slow pace,
next to no plot, the child actors looking like they can't wait to
leave and this asinine link to Pirate World and... yeah I lost my
point. Oh yes, skip the original incarnation of this movie. If
you have to stare at this in order to believe in its existence, watch
the Rifftrax version.
Hey gang. I know it has been a while
for a write up. Trying to create some video reviews and YouTube
is...well currently having a few issues but we are not going to talk
about that.
Instead I am going to find us some
nice, safe public domain films I can review. Loosely translated, I
am tired of copyright issues and placating to egos. Today's movie
brings us the intrepid starship Odyssey crew forced to make an
emergency landing on a planet that has a hostile environment.
This is Planet of the Dinosaurs.
Are you guys SuperTramp? I'm a huge fan!
Director James K. Shea (Suburbia
Confidential, The Scavengers a.k.a. The Grabbers and Planet of the
Dinosaurs) had a vision. Spirit quest or just tripping balls
on some peyote aside, it was still a vision.
Set way into the far time line
of...yeah they never point that out but apparently they had a
seventies revival look and slang to go along with it, this 1977
Sci-Fi wonder forces Captain Lee (actor and producer Louie
Lawless of Manson, Shame, Shame on the Bixby Boys, Mind Games and
Abducted II: The Reunion) to make an emergency landing on a
planet near to Earth conditions. Apparently the engines had a
MacGuffin drive and with no Scotty or Geordi to fix it, down they
plummet. Much like the writing. (Again a MacGuffin is also
known as a plot device depicting a goal, desired object, place or
other such motivation)
As the ship sinks in the massive lake,
our crew has to swim for shore. Of course the communications officer
forgets the beacon, Bad Cindy! No wonder everyone prefers Marcia.
Yes I just pandered to the 50 plus
crowd for a moment. Don't worry. More of those on it's way.
Cindy (Mary Appleseth of Slumber
Party '57 and Planet of the Dinosaurs) has to strip down to
her undies to swim back. Guess nudity clause issue but bikini
lingerie is fine. She and Chuck (Chuck Pennington of Planet of
the Dinosaurs) both go swimming for this huge metal clamshell
camera case when Cindy is attacked by an aquatic creature and thus
does her part to thin the cast out.
Oily T zones ahead, Captain Harry Reems!!!
A lot of complaints, ribs and comments
made about this magnum opus of a movie. The biggest comment made
about this movie is the uniform. The full body blue onesies with a
white v pointing to everyone's crotch. Men and women alike. The
officers' oneises were white with orange shoulder and neck line so
not much better.
I realize they are fighting for their
lives, struggling to find shelter, edible food and a means to
communicate back to Earth but my God these uniforms are just making
me laugh.
Many pig folk complained the "Hot Asian Chick"
or Derna (Derma Wylde of Partners in Crime, Wonder Woman TV
show, The Killing of a Chinese Bookie) isn't nude in every
scene.
Relax piggies, go see her in The
Killing of a Chinese Bookie or Chained Heat. There, your
problem of lack of flesh is solved. Your psyche, well that's not my
department but seek help.
Still trying to decide if the menfolk
of this crew look more like Starlight Vocal Band or Supertramp.
Debbie, you're supposed to be in the shot. Whatever.
Captain Lee's extensive training in
wildlife gave them the ability to produce fire, edible plants, rudimentary grain meals and my favorite, a crappy barrier made of
some weak branches. YOU HAVE LASERS!!!! Saw down some trees,
drag them up and start relearning making hemp rope!!!
Dear God I have seen snow forts that
looked more durable. Now for me the best of the bunch is the
fellow playing Jim.
Rugged and manly. (James
Whitworth of Black Angels, Fandango, Emergency!, .357 magnum, The
Rockford Files and The Hills Have Eyes) actually has a few
acting credits so that was good.
First off, he looks a bit like
George Eastman from Absurd, Warriors of the Wasteland, 2019:
After the Fall of New York and
Stagefright.
Rocking that Andy Gibb beard and has
enough muscle to be a decent linebacker. Secondly, he is Jupiter
from the original Wes Craven's The Hills Have Eyes so he has
an alpha male fear factor working for him.
Throughout "rest periods" and
general padding of the film, this troupe of morons managed to
misplace a blaster, drop one and lose party members by simply not
using their coconut for something other than keeping a hat on it.
NO ONE is wearing any hats. Or sunscreen, that could be dangerous
and bad for the complexion.
A T-Rex roams the area killing the
planet eaters and subjugating terror across the desert and plains.
Lee tells everyone to get to high
ground so he cannot pursue them. Or LASERS!!!!! Meat for days!
Well in the end, this is a film with a
substantially low budget, less than trained actors, some really good
scale stop motion animation for the dinosaurs and the ambition was
there. It just fell short of grace due to so much walking and
forced dialogue, bad blocking so not all the "actors" are
in scene, not much story to begin with and the characters were more
wooden than Big Sur.
That being said, watch the RiffTrax
version and laugh your ass off. God I wish I saw this flick prior
with their jokes. My comments throughout the movie consisted of,
"So are they all dead yet? No? How much longer?"
Dragging pace ends at 84 minutes,
thanks to rest periods and in general, a decent story could have been
made. Months of roughing it, their senses improve, instincts take
over and find the life they lead prior was soft and weak. Alas,
that is not this film. If you need a drinking game, grab this
flick. If you need a nap, grab this flick. If you need a
complex, compelling story with good arc, motives, characters developed
and fleshed out. Grab a better movie.
