BloodRayne

Hey there, gang! Well I hope you enjoyed the review of House of the Living Dead as much as I enjoyed watching it!  Oh wait. That is, I hope you found it clever and witty but are completely scared off from watching the forty gallons of diaper gravy.  Speaking of diaper gravy, I am back with an Uwe Boll movie.   I understand if many of you want to jump ship at this point and I can't say I blame you.  For those brave few willing to go down the rabbit hole with me, I thank you. This film as quotes of non-stop action and incredible special effects. Uh huh. With a fairly ensemble cast, this filth-ridden stink nugget slaps its source material in the same fashion Paul W.S. Anderson did for Resident Evil. This is Bloodrayne.

Dhampir genes or Maybeline?

Yes, I did review a Bloodrayne movie.  It was the third one because...well Natassia Malthe is yummy and The Third Reich was the only one of the three films that came close to being ANYTHING like the actual game. Kinda...sorta...okay, not really.  Today's pile of steaming donkey flop hails from the 18^th Century in...Europestown? Europesburg??? Yeah guess what? Never mentioned what region of the planet it is. Medieval Romania perhaps?

Anywho, the fans of the two games will know the hunters gathering, the Brimstone Society is roaming through ancient Romania (seems easy to say that, than I don't have a damn cluesville) because of master vampire Kagan is searching for the ancient relics of Belial. Again, game fans will know this character as the first devil that was overthrown by Mephisto and his various body parts that were scattered all over the planet obtain certain levels of power that you would deem them unholy relics.

In derpity derp derp film?? Belial's an antediluvian vampire of great legend that his body parts make vampires unstoppable.

Subtle vampires. No wonder they're easy to spot.

So three members of the Brimstone Society hear tale of a dhamphir (Human/Vampire Hybrid, yes like Blade) hiding in plain sight in a freakshow for a traveling circus.

The girl Rayne (Kristanna Loken of Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, BloodRayne, Painkiller Jane, Bounty Killer, The L Word and Burn Notice) has fewer weaknesses than normal vampires that...constantly gets contradicted. Holy water unneeded in these here parts, folks. Well or tap water does plenty.  Also the town is a bit too nonchalant with a vampire being gacked but whatever.

After leaving the circus were she fed on several members of the troupe (Yup, no thirst issues!) she flees to a neighboring town where a fortune teller explains that Kagan (Sir Ben Kingsley of Coronation Street, Gandhi, Bugsy, Schindler's List, Anne Frank: The Whole Story and The House of Sand and Fog) has become the most powerful vampire of all and the only way to defeat him is to seek out the various body parts of Belial to strengthen her.

Yeah she took a big steaming plot dump there, folks. That was a ton of exposition that relied heavily of a) Fortune teller recognizing a dhampir b) having knowledge of these legends and locations of primordial relics and c) that Rayne might even be up to the task as she was captured by humans for entertainment.    Apparently Kagan has also heard the rumors of a dhampir child IN HIS FRIGGIN KINGDOM...yet has been unable to find her. Really busting ass there, bub.

Now before we go further, let me point out why I am being so harsh to this film. First off, I loved these two games, Rayne is a solid protagonist, fearless and has a cause to help the humans as well as, get even with her undead dick of a dad. Secondly, the storyline using elements of myth, legend and Dante's Inferno just made for good story telling. Third, she got to razzle Nazis!!!!

This film?   NONE OF THAT!!!  Bad Touch Boll didn't give any love to the source material at all.

Back to our cinematic oeuvre. Yeah, I know things. I don't just watch crappy films and critique. Sheesh.

Moving along, Rayne gets recruited by the Council of Ninny Hammers as they plan to kill of Kagan once and for all. You know, that old chestnut.  But enough about deeznuts, we see that Katarin (Michelle Rodriguez of The Fast and the Furious, Resident Evil, S.W.A.T. Blue Crush) doesn't trust Rayne while her mentor Vladimir (Michael Madsen of Resivoir Dogs, Species, Kill Bill Vol: 1, Hell Ride and Vigilantes Diaries) does seem to believe Rayne can be forged into a weapon.  HEY!  Why that's like the game!  When in 1933, Mynce, Rayne's mentor argues with John about Rayne's power could benefit them rather than they kill her.   Jinkies!   You did something right, Boll! Yeah, don't let it go to that pinhead.

Can Rayne and the Knights Who Say Nee thwart Kagan?? What the hell is Meat Loaf and Billy Zane doing in this stinker?? Has Sir Kingsley wiped this film from his IMDB Pro account???

Aside from basically ignoring all the fundamental concepts of the game series, this is a dull, slow paced film with decent CGI, choppy editing, piss poor camera work (PUT THE CAM BACK ON A STABLIZER YOU DAFT KRAUT!!!) visual goofs and so much continuity issues.

The flick turned a decent hack and slash adventure game into a sword and sorcery goofy romp. VO actress Laura Bailey (Dragon Ball Z, BloodRayne, BloodRayne 2,Fullmetal Alchemist, World of Warcraft, Final Fantasy XIII, The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim- Dawnguard and Gears of War 4), the original Rayne of the games must have been embarrassed as hell to see this flick.

Just loved some of the goofs. Our "director" part of the crowd watching the dhampir getting tortured is wearing an Omega wrist watch in the medieval crowd, Black Powder from China is a stupid line. 18^th century. FLINTLOCKS been around a while that point...for say about oh...200 years, you ass! Kagan's half-assed henchman, a vampire was able to cross running water and ride his horse out in the daylight. Um, say doesn't that contradict at least two legends??

Non stop action? No one was seated during the Billy Zane dictates a letter scene!!! You want a realistic subtitle?   BloodRayne: The Colon Stopper! Never has your ass fallen asleep so quickly!

So yes if you need a film tropes drinking game, this is your movie. You want to take your brain off the hook for 94 minutes? This is your movie. If you want complex characters, fascinating epic struggle against good and evil and developed plot that would stagger the naysayers of the ages??? Go get a decent book. 

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