Bloodsuckers

 

Salutations Readers of the Rotten and welcome back to the blog. Now there is a ton of negative reviews on today's movies and some of that is deserved for minor reasons. However, it has some redeeming value due to dialogue choices, creature species names and clear nods to the admired creators. So delving into this Sci-Fi/Horror, I was actually burning a copy for my mom when I realized I never reviewed this film on the blog but for Epinion.com oh so many moons ago. This is Bloodsuckers a.k.a.Vampire Wars a.k.a. Vampire Wars: Battle for the Universe.

 

Worse paintball team...ever.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Personally I like the last title. I just envision Dolph Lundgren as He-Man curb stomping vampires into oblivion. Writer/director/producer Matthew Hastings (Decoys, Panikiller Jane, Eureka, Alphas, The Originals and Shadowhunters) had a vision...um vampires in space. Sort of a Andromeda/Buffy crossover universe. The typical wooden stake, crosses, holy water and whatnot doesn't help at all. Maybe this is Blade crossover. But they seem to be using conventional rounds OF THE FUTURE... Yeah Mossbergs, an M4 with 40mm grenade launcher and metal chromed spikes. Sayth whaaaaat???

So yeah we have a few points to make before we dive right in:

1) The tri-barrel heavy rifle that Roman (Aaron Pearl) is using is from Blade: Trinity. The rifle Patton Oswalt's character shows off to Reynolds, Snipes and Biel's looks at. 2) the interior cockpit, crew quarters and landing plank of our intrepid vampire hunters' ride is the Eureka Maru from Andromeda. They decorated it a bit but Roddenberry fans will immediately recognize this has Captain Valentine's rusted out crap box of the stars. 3) the species of vampires are named after horror film slasher icons such as Voorhees and Leatherface 4) the Captain's sidearm is the Blade: the Series sawed off shotgun with vents. They just added laser sights to it. Trust me, with that spread, you really won't need to aim; just worry about recoil.

In the far away future of 2210, humanity has explored the stars and the only other intelligent lifeforms out there are the vampires. Different breeds, whole lot of attitude. The V-SAN or Vampire Sanitation (sounds like the vamps call them for a blocked toliet) are on the case. From mining planets to areas of British Columbia that Stargate and its spin-offs hadn't filmed in, our brave hunters are taking down suckheads left and right. IT'S A FRIGGIN' CREW OF FIVE!!!!!

Vampire Reavers? Veavers? Rampires?

 

 

 

 

 

 

For God's sake, at least the Sulocco in Aliens had a platoon worth of space marines. My favorite Damphyr of BloodRayne (Natassia Malthe of Devil's Highway, Skinwalkers, DOA: Dead or Alive, Dead & Deader, Sex and Death 101, BloodRayne: Deliverance, Alone in the Dark II and BloodRayne: The Third Reich) is playing...wait for it... a Damphyr. Typecasting or do producers just like her in mid-riff leathers? That may be a bit sexist. Granted you won't hear me complain that a gorgeous woman is in leathers and strutting about.

Our touch as nails Captain Churchill is Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman's hubby??? Yeah it is Joe Lando (Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home, Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman, Counterstrike, Bloodsuckers, Wildfire, A.I. Assault, Meteor Apocalypse and The Secret Circle) leading our team of FIVE into hostile territories. They snag, bag and tag the vampires or call corporate and tell them the planet is a write-off. It's a tough job but somebody's got to do it.  Breaking in a new roster to the crew is corporate officer Lt. Damian (Dominic Zamprogna of It Waits, Supernatural, Battlestar Galactica, Battlestar Galactica: The Resistance, Blade: The Series, Painkiller Jane, The L Word, Smallville and 2012), a wet behind the ears rookie that may just have what it takes to gack some vamps. Awww he's got a coming of age story. Precious.

 

10 to 1 she heard a cheesy pick-up line.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Among our fine bunch of badasses is gunner duo team-up Roman (Aaron Pearl of The Tortured, Ice Quake, Lloyd the Conqueror, Christmas Miracle, Supernatural, King & Maxwell, Godzilla, Til Death Do Us Part and No Men Beyond This Point) our Drake of Aliens archtype and Rosa (Leanne Adachi of Deep Rising, The Final Cut, The Invisible, The Day the Earth Stood Still, Stargate Universe, Red Widow, Rogue adn Supernatural) our Vasquez wannabe. Well now that the Mousekeeters signed off, they get into the fracas. Shocking the first planet they find has been ransacked and ravaged. For a handful of vamps, they made quite the mess. Moving on from the mining colony, the ship gets an SOS and naturally they're the only ship in the quadrant (Hmm sound Star Trek enough for ya?) so they go in. Finding the sole survivor Fiona (A.J. Cook of Final Destination 2, Tru Calling, Criminal Minds, Dead Like Me, Vanished, Night Skies, Misconceptions and Mother's Day) she tells the hunters that the last place the rest of the colony was down in the mines. FYI, these are the same mines that were used for First Blood. Yeah a bit more movie trivia. You're welcome, gang!

Our team head right to the obvious trap instead of taking off and nuking the site from orbit, because...plot device. Shockingly enough, a team of five really cannot hold off hundreds of vamps. Who knew?  The Captain gets separated from the team and Damian has to take up command. Reluctantly, the duo fire team follow Damian as they find out someone has issued codes to shut down orbital defenses on the allied planets inhabited by humans.  Soooo...it's a universal code?   One code and that's it?! I can change my remote, my Ipad, hell my laptop's registration but one frickin' code?!!! Ever heard of backups?!!  Sorry sorry.

 

Not even Dylan Hunt would hire these clowns.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Now our band has to play on and find out who sold the humans out, eradicate them and save the universe. That's a tall order. Getting backup isn't an option as they don't know how far up the ranks of the corporate of V-SAN this goes. Bet it was Burke. He'd definitely screw us for a percentage.

Obviously this film is a love letter to many a creator. James Cameron for Aliens, Joss Whedon for Buffy and Firefly a little smidgen of John Carpenter for Vampires and definitely Star Trek for the Final Frontier gag and techno babble.

Is it a bad movie? No. Is it filled with tropes we have seen before? Well yes. A group of loners that work together, combat their differences, back stories and issues then fight side-by-side? Yeah it may have been done before. There are clever ideas, decent locations, the FX is spot on and overall story is feasible for a TV plot. Is it captivating to the likes of Serenity? Well that is an unfair comparison and Firefly had a lot of desperate elements and characters that amounted over the course of 14 episodes and a later a movie. If Bloodsuckers got the same treatment, they could do pretty well. So yes if this were the pilot episode rather than the movie, you'd have a chance.

At the end of the day it is a goofy flick with some action, one liners and vampires. Look if you came for a riveting story that tells us the underlining metaphor of humanity and the hopes and dreams that would one day become reality, you picked the wrong blog. I really don't review those types of film. If you came for some laughs, cheesy lines and a decent enough plot; you're in luck.

Grr. Arrgh.

Morbid Stories

And I'm back my Rotten Readers! Readers of Rotten? Gotta word shop this or fans could give us a better tag. Okay today I have been asked by writer/director/actor Phil Herman (Jacker, Jacker 2, Burglar from Hell, Tales for the Midnight Hour, HorrorTales.666, After Midnight, Into the Woods, Sickened, Tales Till the End, Hell on Earth: Arena of Death and Tales for the Midnight Hour II) invited me to see a five part anthology Horror film. This is Morbid Stories.

Patene: Fight the apocalypse with great hair.

Brought to us by Avail Entertainment, we open with some wide shot of a town resembling New Mexico. Looks like drone shooting, a bit smoother than helicopter is. Some static ridden reports over the radio seems to be pointing catastrophe in the making. A young woman, Candy (Courtney Akbar of Frontlines, NCIS, Parks and Recreation, Smoke Filled Lungs, Astro and Paradise Apartments) is enjoying a warm, sunny day with her Pomeranians. Hey I am a little irked these dogs probably get a better breakfast than I do. Candy now minus her boyfriend is moving out shortly but the house itself seems to have gotten sinister. With electrics and gas seemingly turned off, a car radio announcement confirms something is awry and danger is on the rise.

Witness an apocalyptic end of the world and Candy just finished her last car payment.

Fade to black wipe and a title card telling us New York 15 hours prior. Cut to night shot as we see an injured man with a bite in his throat where he clearly bled out and is doing some tell tale zombie shuffling. Time for some patented Tallahassee Zombieland door smacks. Of course the guy could have had a rabid squirrel bite him and he twisted his ankle. From a Satanist POV, he's destined to be worm food.

Dammit, Kool-Aid man is drunk again.

Over to a snoozing couple as the hours of the night tick tock away. Love that the ill-fated Carnival of Souls is playing on their flat screen in the bedroom. With rapping at their house's windows, the Singers Helen (Crystal Loverro of Guardian Devil, Success, Morbid Stories and Scars of Ancient Futures) and Jamie (Shane Smith of Morbid Stories) grab a deterrent (ballbat) and go investigate the mystery of who the hell is knocking at the door at this hour. A refugee from a 90s metal band?

Who is this long haired stranger (Tim O' Hearn of Dry Bones, The Legend of Six Fingers, Killer Rack, The Dummy 2, Death House, Blood Prism and Johnny Gruesome) decked out all in black complete with leather trenchcoat? He claims he and several of his friends were in an accident up the road and need to use the phone for fire and emergency to come to their aid. Jamie reluctant but eventually gives in to assist. He seems weirded out by these folk and who can blame him? They demand to be invited in. Things aren't what they appear to be and Jamie is still considerate enough to let them in the house. Now being paranoid as I am, I think that jug of holy water and my crucifix would been out about that time or at the very least a shotgun leveled at taking a head off.

In a word, badass. Helen is hell on wheels. Considering her newfound enemies are Nosferatu or Nesuferitu if you prefer.

Now unlike typical anthologies, this is edited a bit differently. It would appear Candy's story is the main one and the others are happening as the day and night progresses. I saw something simple with Tales from the Darkside and Two Evil Eyes.

NOM NOM NOM!!!

24 hours prior in California: a Japanese family are simply being a family. The kids are playing in the dirt and gravel and eldest sister Mallory (Ashley Mei of I Am a Knife with Legs, Tango Europa, Astro, Morbid Stories and Clown Fear) has her hands full with sisters Olivia (Emma Koiso of Clown Fear and Morbid Stories), Ava (Kelly Koiso of Clown Fear and Morbid Stories), Aiden (Lucas Koiso of Morbid Stories) and Jayden (Marcus Koiso of Morbid Stories).

Obsessed with the selfies, vlogging and her friends, she isn't bad at the babysitting but she could be better. Pizza ordered instead of making them a meal? Deducting points already. Friends James (Austyn Reale of Morbid Stories) and Lola (Jocelyne Daugherty of Morbide Stories) are frittering away their afternoon with an Oujia board to contact spirits. Because that never goes wrong in a horror movie...ever. James has attitude and is crashing at a buddy's house. Angsty teen boy issues. Probably body hair, his voice cracking and various body odors no doubt. Oh and he's sweet on Mallory. That much is obvious. Due to the negative vibes given out, an entity proceeds to raise a little Hell for our younglings. Something gets into Lola so you better lop off more than her wrist or maybe an exorcist. You got that on speed dial right, Mallory?

Candy is a responsible doggy mom as she is loading them up with little sips of water. Y'know instead of a big bowl of it, spilling all over the back of the car and making a mess. Exposition radio station is warning her of incoming zombies? Very Zombi 3. Without Radio DJ Fresh Zombi kicking the airwaves with some 70s funk of course.

Meanwhile in Delaware, a published novelist/teacher is correcting writing errors on his works. Yeah just truckloads of run-on sentences and those dreaded dangling participles. The Horror of it all!!! Improper grammar aside, Robert Zirn (Will Devokees of Macabre Medicine, Agent Emes 8: Agent Emes and the Shavous Trial, The League of Science, The Perils of Posting and Morbid Stories) has the expression of a man burned out. Trying to bash his new novel out, the house he's staying at doesn't promote the warmest atmosphere. Hell it's just missing a cannibalistic family with a homemade human chili fetish and I can see it getting great YELP reviews.

Being isolated from everything and anything, Robert is trying to make the new book work, if his paranoia or random creepy sounds would stop happening. His assistant assures him this was the best place for him because there isn't anything else available 50 miles in any direction. Here's hoping he doesn't find a book bound in human flesh and inked in human blood. After all, such a book was never meant for the land of the living. The pitter patter of feet on the roof is disturbing. Caretaker Don (Ryan W. Phillips of Macabre Medicine and Morbid Stories) drops by to hear Zirn kinda whine and bitch. This guy's helping you out, dude. Little more gratitude, man. That being said, Don may need a good smack. No cable no beer makes Zirn something something.

The house has been making odd noises during a thunderstorm. Could be the wind or a mess of Chupacabras. Who can say? 

 Don gives a cryptic warning to not go in the attic. My first thought? Mom's chained and gagged up in that attic. Fate is playing silly buggers with Zirn and clearly he has had a few things on his mind. Nightmares are hounding him or are they nightmares? Again foot steps sounding like it's coming from the attic. Scooby gang of one decides he's gonna see what is a-goin' on there.

Reports of zombies and vampires roaming about. Lock your doors, bolt your windows and pray to your deity of choice.

Cut to arty pale goth girl attempting a rare steak and well it didn't go down well or even at all. Instead of food, she simply has an injection of dubious fluid or liquid. Guess she has a taste for the crimson stuff in our veins. Methinks she is a fledgling to go all Radu there. Armageddon is well into swing as more vampire and zombies seem to be attacking one another. Just a vampire girl living or nonliving in this lonely world. I loved the incidental humor, excellent camera work and the credited acting. This felt like a bizarre rom com.

Is Candy crushing the apocalypse? Will Angel get his soul? How many more pop culture references can I do?

Just in time for Halloween, our movie has been released already to Amazon as of October 22^nd. What we have is five talented stories being told injunction with the main story. The world as we know is gone and these are the final tales to be told. Another example of indie directors managing a good, solid story on a minor budget. Just seeing this you want to give them a huge budget and watch for the wonder to unfold. 

OMG! the apocalypse took my bars!

The Vampire Happening

Back again. Today I am not looking towards sequels. Unbeknownst to you all, I purchased a 20 film pack of night stalkers. The Vampire. Yup I am diving into and seeing if this pack of flicks was worth the three dollars I spent on it. Even at 3 bucks I think I am still getting screwed. There are more than a few titles I recognize but this day's film gave the briefest of synopsis and looked a trifle bizarre. So here's hoping it isn't some foreign hardcore pornography...again.

This is The Vampire Happening a.k.a. Transylvania 1971

Really stretching my lower back, so thanks.

Directed in 1965 and released in 1971, this 6 year in the making West Germany film hails as a comedy and horror movie so that could be a good thing. With the tagline: The Adult Vampire Sex Comedy, I'm expecting penetration shots and prat falls.

At the helm is English cinematographer and director Freddie Francis (The Evil of Frankenstein, Traitor's Gate, The Psychopath, The Deadly Bees, They Came from Beyond Space, Dracula Has Risen from the Grave and The Creeping Flesh) and for those of you that are Mystery Science Theater 3000 fans, you will know The Deadly Bees uttered the line," Have you seen the dog's meat?" Interpret that however you see fit. 6 years to get off the ground you know it's gold or garbage.

Our movie opens on an airplane playing what looks to be a softcore porno. Yes there are kids on that flight so the weird shit-o-meter is banking to the right. Well okay the covers are over the actors and yes it does appear to not be flashing nudity so what do I know.

Attending this flight/strokefest is actress Bettie Williams (Pia Degermark of Elvira Madigan, The Looking Glass War, A Brief Season and The Vampire Happening) who by the strangest of circumstances (or crappy writing trope) has inherited a castle in Transylvania. As she is a direct descendant for the Baroness Catali who she shares a striking resemblance as well.   Ze German has landed!!

After a quick autograph we are treated to stop animation and opening credits with a Hammer Films worthy instrumental and orchestral number. Stop trying to gussy the flick up. Papa ain't buyin'.

Hold me closer, tiny caretaker.

As our protagonist drives to the castle, Nature keeps dropping roadblocks behind her like a boulder or a fallen tree.  COMEDY!  As this has a legendary Hammer Films director, maybe it will be a bit darker. However, our young impressionable American actress finds not everything in and out of the castle is as it appears. The castle's caretaker I guess is what is best to call him freaks the hell out as it would revealed that Betty is the spitting image of her great great grandmother Countess Clarimonde Catani and legends revile her as the most feared vampire of all.

As luck or a carefully placed written trope would have it; a monastery and all-girls school is conveniently next to the castle. Hedonistic vampire dream come true, right? A virulent vampire virus (I was just having fun with literation) begins to sweep the land. One of the derpy monks starts channeling his inner Crazy Ralph and not his Dr. Loomis like he should. Never go full Crazy Ralph.

Oh wait... I sense something. Yes, yes. It's that stupid question again. "Will there be titty?" Take heart, horny male readers. There's titty. The movie's staying power certainly isn't for the plot. We have a fair amount of topless nudity. It would appear my copy is also the unrated version, so a more detailed account of the orgy at the castle. Lucky me. Wee.

Hell at least the castle is real. You see American readers, across Europe and the British Isles, they have actual castles and no giant rodents or talking dogs in them. Sadly, I recognize the castle as it was in use for a raunchy sex comedy, Lady Dracula.

Castle Kreuzenstein in Austria. I like the way they say good bye. Also filmed there was the Mario Bava film, Baron Blood, Ken Annakin's The 5^th Musketeer and Dominic Sena's Season of the Witch with Nicholas Cage.

FILM FACTS!!!

Bad Dracula! Too Young, Brah!

And what vampire movie could this be without an appearance of Dracula? Yes we have a Dracula via Ferdy Mayne (The Fearless Vampire Killers, Hawk the Slayer, Death of a Centerfold: The Dorothy Stratten Story, Conan the Destroyer, Cagney & Lacey, Night Train of Terror, Howling II: Striba Bitch and Pirates). We cannot expect Christopher Lee every time as Dracula but I get the disappointment, folks. I do. Don't worry, more comic relief at the ready with a couple of vampire hunters that are... yeah they are definitely not Team Blade.

The composition is amazing by Jerry van Rooyen (Death on a Rainy Day, Succubus, Sadist Erotica, Kiss Me Monster and How Short Is the Time for Love) and the period piece costumes are bang on. Granted Pia is hardly ever in them but good that the costumers got some work to do and it wasn't all relied on the make up artists to cover asses. Pia also manages her duo roles with two really awful wigs. Looks like they killed some weasels, spray painted them and then with enough hairspray; made them stand at attention.

There's a horny schoolgirls subplot which is just to get them to fullfill their nudity clause. Seriously the school teacher is showing them the error of their wicked ways. With lots of spankings. Yup, shallow waters I be a traveling here.

Didn't get the best copy of this movie which would be the good folks at Anchor Bay. Nope, I gotta get more of my nemesis of repeated titles, the bane of any viewer's existence: Mill Creek Entertainment. Yup, my copy is grainy as the wheat fields of Kansas and the audio is mono. Can you believe those jackasses try to have one of my audio reviews yanked from YouTube?

In conclusion, our "film" is chockful of nudity after the 10 minute mark, hammy puns, obvious sight gags, a zany mistaken identity and...yeah it is pretty painful as a whole. I can't imagine who I would recommend this to.

If you need to torture convicts in GITMO, grab this flick. If you have given up on laughter and love, grab this flick.. If it's this movie or anything Rob Schneider has been in, grab this flick.

Meh, she's no Shannon Tweed.

Messiah of Evil

How goes it? Well after that festering stink nugget of a film Monday, I need a pick me up. Alas no ether in site so I will have to just watch today's movie and hope for the best. Another horror film but at least the synopsis offers promise. A young woman searches for her missing artist father in a California sea based town, but the whole area is watched by a strange cult of the undead. This is Messiah of Evil.

Worse orgy...ever.

Worry not, gentle readers. This is yet another alternative titled film. Titles like: Messiah of the Evil Dead, Deep Swamp, Messiah of Evil: The Second Coming, The Second Coming, Revenge of the Screaming Dead, Return of the Living Dead, Dead People, Night of the Damned and Blood Busters. What a collective of festive titles.

We see a young man with that seventies hair, the Epstein from Welcome Back Kotter and he's wearing corduroy. Apparently running for quite a while or he is a chain smoker and it's only been 5 blocks. A young girl lets him into her pool patio where he takes it easy for a moment and then throat slashed open with a straight razor with the first minute and 22 seconds. Boom title card! No screwing around here.

We have some mildly depressing music. Think Morrisey. As a young woman down a long hallway declares that madness is all around her and they can't even hear her scream. The monologue feels as though the main protagonist is recapping those events prior and we are playing catch up.

Gentle and demure Arletty (Marianna Hill of Mannix, The Name of the Game, The Baby, High Plains Drifter, Kung Fu, The Magician, The Godfather: Part II and S.W.A.T.) is on a quest to find her wayward artist father in the small beach town of Point Dume, California. She arrives at his beachfront house to find it abandoned. Bereft of life in the house, she finds a diary specifically addressed to her. As she reads through it, her father complains about a darkness consuming the town little by little, these ominous nightmares he has been having and tell her to never look for him. I was personally waiting for a to do list, grocery list and possibly girls he slept with and his ratings on each of them.

So pants optional at this gas station? Okaaay.

She rolls into town, low on gas and a full service station! What a myth. Her attendant seems to busting caps into howling creatures' collective asses. No wolves were hurt in the making of this film. The poor foley guy though. Ouch. Dude comes right over, cleans the windows and gases her up and there is this huge awkward pause. Because honestly do you want to ask what he was shooting at, not knowing if he is unhinged?

The owner of the art gallery was absolutely no help whatsoever as he recounts vaguely meeting Arletty's father and said that none of his work would sell as all his paintings had gatherings of peopele in that were black, white and grey. The men were all in black suits, white shirts and black ties. So either the Mormons moved heavily in Cali, the Men in Black stationed there or this was some serious brown acid he dropped.

Arletty bumps into smooth aristocrat Thom (Michael Greer of The Gay Deceivers, Diamond Stud, The Curious Female, Fortune and Men's Eyes, The Streets of San Francisco, Summer School Teachers and Sunshine) and his two bits of posh crumpets Toni (Joy Bang of Maidstone, The Young Lawyers, Hawaii Five-O, Pretty Maids All in a Row, Night of the Cobra Woman, Room 222, and Cisco Pike) and Laura (Anitra Ford of The Big Bird Cage, Invasion of the Bee Girls, The Longest Yard, Messiah of Evil, Starsky & Hutch, Wonder Woman, Baretta and The Streets of San Francisco).

Group hickeys!!!

They are gadding about and having fun but Thom has to interview the town kook for an article on the town of Point Dume, Charlie (my favorite character actor, Elisha Cook Jr. Of The Maltese Falcon, A Gentleman at Heart, Dark Waters, The Big Sleep, Shane, House on Haunted Hill, Peter Gunn, Rosemary's Baby, Blacula, The Night Stalker and Salem's Lot). Charlie speaks about the 100^th anniversary of the dark stranger that came to town. He also talk about the blood moon. The night of the blood moon appears and the evil will consume the town. It's at this point, I have already packed my bags and got the hell out of there. Elisha also provides more bug eyes than he did even in House on Haunted Hill. Looks like a deranged leprechaun hoarding his Lucky Charms from those pesky kids.

Well about this time to start thinning out the cast, am I right? Sorry barely line having eye candy, yer toast.

Thom and girls get bounced out of the hotel like a bad check and they all crash at Arletty's dad's pad.

Yeah that was some seventies lingo but so is the flick.

Arletty takes her time through dad's journal and that is a trope pet peeve of mine. Read the whole thing through one sitting dammit. Think of the lives you could spare. And don't read any book of unspeakable evil out loud. Okay done ranting but the journal wasn't even that long.

Can the evil be thwarted? With Arletty, Thom and the girls survive the night?

Let's see... the pace was kind of on the move from the get go. They didn't dally but still had plenty of time to build up suspense. The kills are reasonably nasty and the plot was unusual and clever linking to a horror of the past. Honestly I think if you found a better copy than what I got, you would enjoy it. Old school story telling with a bit of freedom from the stereotypical standings of the genre. This sort of mob scene is pre Romero's The Crazies or Dawn of the Dead. No I am not giving away any more spoilers than necessary because it would ruin the film experience. Personally, I liked it. Good and creepy. The music scores were a tad odd. Just what I presume an acid trip would sound like in your head. Weird spoken word tunes and some ORGAN MUSIC!!

Aside from that, it was fun. For those that felt it wasn't their cup of tea, have fun riffing it at a drinking party.

Joni Mitchell looks HiIiIiIIiIIiigh!!!!

Daylight's End

Back again kiddies! Yeah you missed me. I can just sense these things. So I held a poll on two movies both post apocalyptic and apparently plague based zombies. Clearly I won? I guess. So today we concentrate to Daylight's End.

Winter Soldier?  Bucky?  BUCKY!!!

Directed by indie director William Kaufman (The Prodigy, Sinners and Saints,The Hit List, One in the Chamber, Jarhead 3: The Siege and Murder Made Me Famous)we open with an out stretched road POV shot, I am reminiscent of George Miller's Mad Max. A lone wanderer (Cue Fallout theme) makes his way to an abandoned gas station in a steel meshed covered Plymouth. I think it might be a Superbird. He makes his way in for supplies when he comes across a massive freezer, which he shoots letting in sunlight to fry the zombie/vampire? So these blood thirsty creatures are bringing me back to Last Man on Earth or I Am Legend. A gathering of exposition and visuals throughout the credits opening explains the outbreak of this apocalypse.

He heads into a wayward, abandoned house and cleans house. By himself. Three of these dead bastards were kind of terrifying and jump scares were limited. THANK GOD!

On his travels he sees a police squad car be accosted by the vambies. Zompires?

Anywho, the contents of the car is people and has been murdered and closer examination the group is actually armed humans. Our mysterious stranger dispatches the marauders efficiently.

Well it's no Mad Max ride, but not bad.

Our bad ass protagonist helps the lone survivor, Sam (Chelsea Edmundson of Killer Eye: Halloween Haunt, Camera Phone, Gangster Squad, Bloodsucka Jones, Isolation and Joe Bonamassa: Drive) who invites her savior named Rourke (Johnny Strong of Get Carter, Black Hawk Down, The Fast and the Furious, Sinners and Saints and Cold Brook) for safe harbor along with food, supplies and ammo. A girl the groupof marauders abducted, Annabelle (Farrah White of Miss Congeniality, Single and Dealing with It, Hate Crime, By the Devil's Hands, The Locker, Lunch Break and About Mom and Dad...) is lacking oars in the waters so of course Sam wants to take her along. They hop in his car and make it deep into the midtown of once was Dallas. Um go Cowboys? They narrowly make their way into the old police station.

Journeying in the police station, Rourke encounters leader of this group, Bishop himself (Lance Henriksen of The Terminator, Aliens, Near Dark, Pumpkinhead, Millennium, Scream 3, AVP: Aliens vs Predator and Hellraiser: Hellworld) known as Frank Hill. With a massive steel sliding door keeps the zompires at bay. Naturally Frank, his boy Ethan (Louis Mandylor of Martial Law, Price of Glory, Relic Hunter, Sinners and Saints, Sorority Party Massacre, Jet Set and Code of Honor) and former Dallas Cop Chris (Hakeem Kae-Kazim of Grange Hill, Critical Assignment, Hotel Rwanda, Pirates of the Carribbean: At World's End, The Jinn and The Bourne Conspiracy) don't trust outsider Rouke, so they lock him in a cell, after confiscating his weapons. Dude, trust me. This cat could snap necks pretty easily but Rourke agrees to it.

The Vambies (Zompires?) get around at night but seem to actually doing some rudimentary thinking instead of just being scavengers or hyenas on the kill. They seem to follow a beast of a man known only as the Alpha (Former UFC fighter Krzystof Sosynski of Here Comes the Boom, Tapped Out, Hidden in the Woods, Daylight's End and Logan).  Evolution occurs everywhere, folks and even in disease and this big boy is the apex predator. 

Jeez, does no one sew in the Apocalypse?

 Frank realizes it's only a matter of time before these bad boys and girls come smashing in and slaughter them all. Frank tells Rourke they need to regroup, grab some wheels and get everyone out of the area. Rouke is more determined to eliminate the threat of the Alpha during the day. Clearly something personal between the two, not that Rourke is forthcoming with that info.

Keep in mind, the budget is not huge, the musical score is done by our protagonist, and we have a very capable cast and crew. Yes, yes this is YET another post apocalypse but there is nowhere near the gore and rape scenarios of the Mad Max, 2019: Fall of New York or Book of Eli. While this is not an original idea, I like what you take away from this film.

The writer Chad Law (Hero Wanted, The Hit List, 6 Bullets, Isolation, Jarhead 3: The Seige, Beyond Valkyrie: Dawn of the 4^th Reich and Sinners and Saints: Vengeance) has a solid understanding of Action genre and Stuntman/fight choreographer Ron Balicki (Barb Wire, Escape from L.A., Point Doom, Resident Evil: Apocalypse, The Prodigy, The Sensei and The Dark Path Chronicles) broke down weapons handling, hand-to-hand and knife fights pretty damn well. The choreography feels like the Bourne series or Burn Notice...granted with zombies and scumbag humans against our survivors.

Strong's physical performance alone is worth going on about. The guy is doing Urban Warfare, sweeping through room to room and putting as little weight on his feet to give his position away. The camera captures all of this and it feels real. Continuity goofs? Well a few. Car windows were shot out and then reappeared whole, some magazines seem to have infinite ammo and not enough reload time between rounds and for some reason Frank's stirring speech, his hat kept disappearing and reappearing throughout it. That being said, this is a decent flick. Plenty of action and story to keep most folk interested and yes ladies I am sorry to say at least one rape scenario but no skin, just the fear.   An attempted one if you will, and our hero goes sick house on these skells.

It's graphic, got very few lull moments and keeps a good steady pace. Yeah I was impressed and I say, "Go Indie film makers!"

THE CUBS WON THE PENNANT!!! ANARCHY IN THE STREETS!!!

BloodRayne

Hey there, gang! Well I hope you enjoyed the review of House of the Living Dead as much as I enjoyed watching it!  Oh wait. That is, I hope you found it clever and witty but are completely scared off from watching the forty gallons of diaper gravy.  Speaking of diaper gravy, I am back with an Uwe Boll movie.   I understand if many of you want to jump ship at this point and I can't say I blame you.  For those brave few willing to go down the rabbit hole with me, I thank you. This film as quotes of non-stop action and incredible special effects. Uh huh. With a fairly ensemble cast, this filth-ridden stink nugget slaps its source material in the same fashion Paul W.S. Anderson did for Resident Evil. This is Bloodrayne.

Dhampir genes or Maybeline?

Yes, I did review a Bloodrayne movie.  It was the third one because...well Natassia Malthe is yummy and The Third Reich was the only one of the three films that came close to being ANYTHING like the actual game. Kinda...sorta...okay, not really.  Today's pile of steaming donkey flop hails from the 18^th Century in...Europestown? Europesburg??? Yeah guess what? Never mentioned what region of the planet it is. Medieval Romania perhaps?

Anywho, the fans of the two games will know the hunters gathering, the Brimstone Society is roaming through ancient Romania (seems easy to say that, than I don't have a damn cluesville) because of master vampire Kagan is searching for the ancient relics of Belial. Again, game fans will know this character as the first devil that was overthrown by Mephisto and his various body parts that were scattered all over the planet obtain certain levels of power that you would deem them unholy relics.

In derpity derp derp film?? Belial's an antediluvian vampire of great legend that his body parts make vampires unstoppable.

Subtle vampires. No wonder they're easy to spot.

So three members of the Brimstone Society hear tale of a dhamphir (Human/Vampire Hybrid, yes like Blade) hiding in plain sight in a freakshow for a traveling circus.

The girl Rayne (Kristanna Loken of Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, BloodRayne, Painkiller Jane, Bounty Killer, The L Word and Burn Notice) has fewer weaknesses than normal vampires that...constantly gets contradicted. Holy water unneeded in these here parts, folks. Well or tap water does plenty.  Also the town is a bit too nonchalant with a vampire being gacked but whatever.

After leaving the circus were she fed on several members of the troupe (Yup, no thirst issues!) she flees to a neighboring town where a fortune teller explains that Kagan (Sir Ben Kingsley of Coronation Street, Gandhi, Bugsy, Schindler's List, Anne Frank: The Whole Story and The House of Sand and Fog) has become the most powerful vampire of all and the only way to defeat him is to seek out the various body parts of Belial to strengthen her.

Yeah she took a big steaming plot dump there, folks. That was a ton of exposition that relied heavily of a) Fortune teller recognizing a dhampir b) having knowledge of these legends and locations of primordial relics and c) that Rayne might even be up to the task as she was captured by humans for entertainment.    Apparently Kagan has also heard the rumors of a dhampir child IN HIS FRIGGIN KINGDOM...yet has been unable to find her. Really busting ass there, bub.

Now before we go further, let me point out why I am being so harsh to this film. First off, I loved these two games, Rayne is a solid protagonist, fearless and has a cause to help the humans as well as, get even with her undead dick of a dad. Secondly, the storyline using elements of myth, legend and Dante's Inferno just made for good story telling. Third, she got to razzle Nazis!!!!

This film?   NONE OF THAT!!!  Bad Touch Boll didn't give any love to the source material at all.

Back to our cinematic oeuvre. Yeah, I know things. I don't just watch crappy films and critique. Sheesh.

Moving along, Rayne gets recruited by the Council of Ninny Hammers as they plan to kill of Kagan once and for all. You know, that old chestnut.  But enough about deeznuts, we see that Katarin (Michelle Rodriguez of The Fast and the Furious, Resident Evil, S.W.A.T. Blue Crush) doesn't trust Rayne while her mentor Vladimir (Michael Madsen of Resivoir Dogs, Species, Kill Bill Vol: 1, Hell Ride and Vigilantes Diaries) does seem to believe Rayne can be forged into a weapon.  HEY!  Why that's like the game!  When in 1933, Mynce, Rayne's mentor argues with John about Rayne's power could benefit them rather than they kill her.   Jinkies!   You did something right, Boll! Yeah, don't let it go to that pinhead.

Can Rayne and the Knights Who Say Nee thwart Kagan?? What the hell is Meat Loaf and Billy Zane doing in this stinker?? Has Sir Kingsley wiped this film from his IMDB Pro account???

Aside from basically ignoring all the fundamental concepts of the game series, this is a dull, slow paced film with decent CGI, choppy editing, piss poor camera work (PUT THE CAM BACK ON A STABLIZER YOU DAFT KRAUT!!!) visual goofs and so much continuity issues.

The flick turned a decent hack and slash adventure game into a sword and sorcery goofy romp. VO actress Laura Bailey (Dragon Ball Z, BloodRayne, BloodRayne 2,Fullmetal Alchemist, World of Warcraft, Final Fantasy XIII, The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim- Dawnguard and Gears of War 4), the original Rayne of the games must have been embarrassed as hell to see this flick.

Just loved some of the goofs. Our "director" part of the crowd watching the dhampir getting tortured is wearing an Omega wrist watch in the medieval crowd, Black Powder from China is a stupid line. 18^th century. FLINTLOCKS been around a while that point...for say about oh...200 years, you ass! Kagan's half-assed henchman, a vampire was able to cross running water and ride his horse out in the daylight. Um, say doesn't that contradict at least two legends??

Non stop action? No one was seated during the Billy Zane dictates a letter scene!!! You want a realistic subtitle?   BloodRayne: The Colon Stopper! Never has your ass fallen asleep so quickly!

So yes if you need a film tropes drinking game, this is your movie. You want to take your brain off the hook for 94 minutes? This is your movie. If you want complex characters, fascinating epic struggle against good and evil and developed plot that would stagger the naysayers of the ages??? Go get a decent book. 

Hot Topic Actionwear!

The Satanic Rites of Dracula

Hey gang. Sorry for the substantial delay. Between a hasty move, loading that away in a storage unit and some family emergency hospital stays, well I have been busy. So today, totally up my alley we go back to the Hammer Productions in the far away time of 1974 and yet IMDB swears it to be 1978.

We see how that lineage of Van Helsing is coping with its ancient evil nemesis, Dracula himself. As luck would have it, it is also (All together now!) has alternative titles. Sharpen those stakes, have holy water at the ready and prepare for the groovin' seventies. This is The Satanic Rites of Dracula.

Count Dooku?  RUUUUUUUUNNN!!!!

With a myriad of alternative titles such as: Count Dracula and His Vampire Bride, Dracula Is Alive and Well and Living in London, Dracula Is Dead...and Well and Living in London, Dracula and His Brides and Rites of Dracula. Yes, once again this still holds sway that all that is black arts, necromancy, demonic incantations automatically gets lumped into witchcraft. There's a difference, writers. It's called research. Try it.   Really makes you feel for the Wicca of the world.  Just worshiping elements and bestowing common decency.

Anywho, a gathering of black art practitioners have gotten around the man cave to resurrect Dracula (Sir Christopher Lee of The Blood of Dracula, The Hound of the Baskervilles, The Wicker Man, Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring and Star Wars: Attack of the Clones) have a standard white goat (Human sacrifice) at the ready to bring the awesome malefic vampire back. Something about a demon god assisting in this as well. They are kind of all over the map. A collective of prominent citizens strive to bring back the dark prince to usher in a new era.

Meanwhile in an adjacent room, some poor fellow is being held against his will by what looks like roadies for Bread. After a brief strangling and gimping his way out of the manor, he gets sped away in a car to Scotland Yard, where his report tells of these untouchable men and women in society could be engaging in blood rites and ancient practices that defy God.  Hmm sounds like Scientology to me. 

And that's when I dropped the occult and went into folk dancing.

Hehe, moving on. Inspector Murray (Michael Coles of Doctor Who and the Daleks, The Avengers, Department S, Dracula A.D. 1972, The Sweeney and Pie in the Sky) of Dracula '72 has worked with a an expert of the occult (sadly no it is not Damian Hellstrom, my Marvel fans) but none other than a Lorimar Van Helsing (Peter Cushing of The Curse of Frankenstein, Horror of Dracula, The Legend of the 7 Golden Vampires, The Ghoul, Land of the Minotaur, Shock Waves and The Uncanny) to aid in their endeavors and shed some much needed light on the subject.

Listening in his study Lormiar takes note of all the undercover agent has witnessed and fears for us all. Quick FYI, his granddaughter Jessica has timelady regenerated from Stephanie Beacham to Absolutely Fabulous's Joanna Lumley. Oh sure we could just say the actress was replaced but that's no fun at all.

With the combination of Scotland Yard and Helsing, they find out that one of the five men that was photographed is Professor Keeley (Freddie Jones of Dune, Krull, The Elephant Man, The Count of Monte Cristo and Emmerdale) who deals with virulent diseases pointing to a plague of biblical porportions. Inspector Murray and Jessica are looking over land deeds and noticing a building owned by a D.D. Denham, a wealthy individual that is a recluse, never seen in the light of day....hmmm...

Worse Craigslist orgy...ever.

Further investigations to the Pellham House where they discover what can only be described as a harem of vampire wenches. Yeah almost as someone is building a cadre of lethal lovelies.

Can this mean that Dracula has returned and if so, why does he do business with mortal men when he can pretty much take whatever he wants with a bit of mind control? I mean Lord of the Vampires is a fairly hefty title right? Something rotten in the as they find the headquarters Denham is a new building erected over the very church Dracula died two years prior. Helsing is convinced something is afoot and proceeds to take measures but can he do it in time before the Sabbat of the Undead takes place? Why does this feel a bit convoluted? What is the mystery of Sasquatch?

For the record, this isn't a bad follow-up to Dracula A.D. 1972 but it wasn't as clever. It had some cloak and dagger elements but it really just seemed like the aristocracy dealing with the lowly peasants and hoped that Dracula would not turn on them.  Perhaps they have been mesmerized to do Dracula's bidding.   A fun piece to be sure but you have to be a Hammer fan and not a causal viewer. Course by that same standing if you are just now diving into Hammer Dracula, why the hell would you start this far into the series?

You see the arse on Lumley? Damn.

Rotten Reelz Reviews Audio Review # 42: Vampire Journals

As a request I look into more Ted Nicolau movies, I made this review and who knows?  Perhaps I will do some more Subspecies.   It is entirely possible.  Vampire Journals is up and running, awaiting your peepers, comments and queries.   Have fun!

Crónicas del horror español: The Vampires' Night Orgy

And we back for the week again. I might do a write-up on Saturday to give you at least 3 different films but the audio review for Psycho II was a bit exhausting. I have only done that one and Zombie Doom as far as capturing video so bear with me when I tell you that 8 minutes of footage took almost two hours to get just so. Moving right along I really wanted to find a copy of Satan's Blood but I need to buy one instead. Ugh, back burner you go. So with that bit of depressing news let's head to a small European village instead where the inhabitants seem a bit off, superstitious and fearful as we delve into The Vampires' Night Orgy a.k.a. Orgy of the Vampires, Grave Desires and Vampire Night Orgy.

First the spankings and then the oral sex!!!

Yup we got an award winning concept as who could pass up on any of these titles.

We open with a funeral in progress as the coffin is lowered into the ground, it cracks open to reveal a maggot infested corpse. Guess they were late and the whole party flees to the sounds of a big band number and drum solo kicking the action up...that wasn't there. After some gorgeous shots of the countryside we witness a bus load of tourists and workers all heading in the same estate as apparently they have jobs after. Tutors, professors, chamber maids and workers as a whole felt the need to be this far out in the country through their exposition. Plot device gardener's flower arrangement story was so boring, it gave the driver a mild heart attack and he... slightly swerved on the two lane road. HEAVENS!!!

With mild chest pains causing death, the trip is off to a good start. Dark omens people. With a quick bit of moving "the body" around and arranging a blanket over him, the rest of the party make their way to the estate with little to no problem. Pre-GPS, kiddies. In them days youse needed a map and you loved it!   Still loved the flute indicating the gruesome act of concealing the body from the little girl traveling.   Sadly no Edward Mannix voice over acting so that was a bit of a let down. The pleasant wafting music showing us an empty village, no church or people to be around.

C'mon sweetie. Just ignore the poop smell and go out and play.

No warning bells going off at all, people? They all just head right into the local tavern and proceed to take up rooms without worry of the staff or management getting angry. Heck one of the rooms has a creeper peephole into conveniently the cute blonde's room. 20 minutes before we get a vampire attack but feels like it was unnecessary, in the sense no vamp fangs revealed.

The locals are definitely revolting.

Human servants bustling about explain why the people were not available but Boris the impromptu mayor explains creepily how they had to bury a friend. His dub actor is bouncy and way over the top easily arousing suspicion but that's just crazy talk. Weird synthesizer music as a villager needs to sacrifice a leg for dinner. An American tourist also finds this strange but shrugs it off as it is simply a custom he is unfamiliar with and chalks it up to his ignorance Slowly but surely the members of the bus trip are disappearing left and right and Boris just scoffs at this as clearly they were trying to find their way in the village or the next one.

Will Hot Blond be next? Will American blood be too thick or sauce gravy like? Why would you do this to most of a town??

Director Leon Klimovsky (The Werewolf versus the Vampire Woman, Leap to Fame, La paz empieza nunca, The Dracula Saga, Mean Mother, Vengeance of the Zombies, The People Who Own the Dark and Night of the Walking Dead) pitches decent atmosphere and pacing, I just felt the dialogue was lost in the dubbing as it sounds like the cast is a bunch of whiny bitches through most of this film. The film stock is either damaged or I did not get the best version of this as it is really dark and difficult to make out the action half of the time. The townspeople are actually not really vampires as so much almost cannibals or some mad ghouls.

Most of the locations are around Madrid as was with the Count Dracula's Great Love flick but this seems to move more to the residing villages and then in Estudios Roma for the interior shots. Unfortunately my copy was very grainy so the print was not the best to be seen. Very mild nudity, a topless scene here and there so no orgy.   FALSE ADVERTISEMENT!!  That being said however, it was actually kind of creepy. Also the Countess was smoking hot so bonus.   No forced lesbian and/or whipping scenes of yesterday so all pluses across the board. A vast improvement. I was expecting some kinky, oil slicked up Jesus Franco BS and was surprised with a decent story and some folklore of Spain. 

Jeff Foxworthy: Vampire Hunter.