Rob Zombie's Halloween

Howdy again, Realm of Rotten Readers. I'm begging you guys to come up with something more catchy. It is just not happening for me. Okay, today on the docket has been a fan request for some time. 

 Initially I wasn't interested because I am touchy about remakes but I have been a fan of the man's writing/music and directing so let's see if the unrated version is a bit more intriguing. For some of you that asked me to NOT review this, tough. If you this does not capture your attention, I am more than certain there are other blogs out there. This is Rob Zombie's Halloween.

 

You're my only Kirk, Mr. Shatner.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yes, yes I know Carpenter fans. I am fully aware many of you booed and hissed your way through this flick. I get it. It was not your cup of tea. Let us set aside these issues before I have Malcolm McDowell Cameo the hell out of your social media! I mean, if I can afford that.

We hearken back to the days of young Michael Myers (Daeg Faerch of Dark Mirror, Halloween, Hancock, Run! Bitch Run!, Sebastian, Ditch Party and Killer Therapy) may have a few personality quirks...in the same way Attila the Hun may have had an thriving outdoors-man lifestyle.

The thing is...Zombie's idea was to step away from Carpenter's "Pure Evil" storyline because he wanted his own spin of the flick. Obviously he is a fan of the original but he didn't want to rely heavily on the existing formula. So he gave Michael a bad childhood. A bully big sister, a mother that moonlights as a stripper, a baby sister, an abusive stepfather (No not Terry o' Quinn) and he's constantly berated at school by bullies. Slowly this starts to warp the lad and the next thing you know, he's onto computer games, comic books and RPGs. Oh no, wait. He starts murdering the neighborhood pets. Some sort of catharsis strangling a cat or three. 

 

Another Craigslist Causal Encounters comes to a close.

 

 

 

 

 

 

His mother Deborah (Sherri Moon Zombie of House of 1000 Corpses, Toolbox Murders, The Devil's Rejects, Halloween, Californication, The Haunted World of El Superbeasto and The Lords of Salem) has been made aware of the strange goings on of her little boy, but it doesn't seem to register that she is raising a sociopath.  THE KID HAD A DEAD CAT IN HIS BOOK BAG!!!  How many warning sirens and klaxons you need to go off, lady?  Sheesh!  But Dopey Deborah just puts the whole scenario down as boys being boys.   WTF??!!! 

 

Just payin' for college. Honest.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Abusive stepdad Ronnie (William Forsythe of Raising Arizona, Out For Justice, Dick Tracy, Things to Do in Denver When You're Dead, Virtuosity, The Rock, Boardwalk Empire, The Mob Doctor, and The Witching Hour) is a drunk, unemployed and generally worthless. CHARACTER!

Mikey decides he's grows weary of bully beatings and catches up with one of the boys beating him repeatedly with a thick tree branch. I mean we hear the meaty thunks and the bully boy crying his eyes out. Should have popped him in the mouth, son. Would have been more mumbles than screams. It does sound pathetic as you begin to realize his parents are probably wondering why he's not back from school yet.

Oh quick note, isn't it funny that Charles Lee Ray(Brad Dourif of Child's Play) and Alex DeLarge (Malcolm McDowell of A Clockwork Orange) are pairing up to stop a serial killer?  Yeah it's food for thought, right?

Like a CGI crocodile, Michael's on a rampage as he gives Ronnie and Judith the business end of the murder tools. Also I really couldn't muster any sympathy for Ronnie and Judith, both were kind of awful. Maybe turning them into frickin' kabobs was a bit much, but I couldn't say.

40 minutes of the film is spent showing us Michael going down the rabbit hole to full blown loony tunes. The scenes with Young Michael (Daeg) and Dr. Loomis (Malcolm McDowell of A Clockwork Orange, Time After Time, Caligula, Cat People, Class of 1999, Tank Girl, Star Trek: Generations, Wing Commander, Wing Commander Academy, God of War III and Suing the Devil) establishing the rapport the boy has for his doctor as this is ultimately the only real father figure he has ever had. Loomis tries to avoid becoming attached and remain clinical but he cannot help but allow his heart to go out to one so young and lost. Granted, telling this kid that his wife has up and left as well as, most of his friends because he cannot seem to get past Michael's issues seems a tad unprofessional.

Okay the biggest complaint about this film has been that everyone working in the wacko basket is either rude, heartless or has a rape-like tendency. Seems like there were no personality screening at this nut house.

17 years institutionalized at the institute and Michael makes his move. Funny how he's as big as Tyler Mane from X-Men. Previous Michaels had suffered enough from stunt injuries. 2007? Couldn't have gotten Kane Hodder? Sure he wouldn't be playing Voorhees but I bet he could have made a fun spin on Myers. 

 

O.M.G. We're adorbs!

 

 

 

 

 

Whatever happened to Baby Boo? Well she's now Laurie Strode (Scout-Taylor Compton of Charmed, Wicked Little Things, Halloween, April Fool's Day, The Runaways, Nashville, Feral, The Lurker and Eternal Code) and thankfully she has 80s Mom badass herself, Dee Wallace! By God if there's a critter, rabid St. Bernard or pack of werewolves, Dee's got this in the bag! 

Accompanying Laurie is Annie Brackett (Halloween alumni Danielle Harris of Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers, Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers, The Last Boy Scout, Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead, Roseanne, Left for Dead, Hatchet II, Stake Land, Chromeskull: Laid to Rest 2, Hatchet III and Camp Dread) and Lynda (Kristina Klebe of Zone of the Dead, Criminal Minds, 6 Month Rule, Alter Egos, The Kiss of a Killer, Proxy, Friday the 13^th: The Game and Slay Belles)

For those not following; I will give you the heads up. Yes, there is nudity. Yes there is elaborate gore and yes there is some dialogue that will make you cringe. IT'S A SLASHER FLICK! This did not RUIN the Halloween franchise. Those precious gobbets of Horror are still out there. The original film didn't suddenly burst into flames or was written out of the spacetime contiuum.

Seriously, with the "Thorn" trilogy of Jamie, to the H20 reboot claiming 1 and 2 were the only cannon, and then the 8^th stink nugget Resurrection? Yes, clearly it was Rob Zombie's foul deeds that would ever made this garbled storyline awful. Busta Rhymes killing Michael. The hell, man?

Is this for every Halloween fan? Maybe not. While there are more orchestrated death scenes, it really feels like Zombie was doing the gore grab bag to see what looked nastier on film. Did it make money? Yes! With a budget of 15 million estimated the US Gross alone was over $58 million. Hell, opening weekend was $26 million right there.

Chronology is the biggest gripe for a lot of the critics. Most of the vehicles, music and clothing look like the late 70s, so this could simply be a nod to the original, however as the 17 years have passed, clothing styles, cars and cell phones are making their way so now it looks like the 2000s. I don't know. Hell my only real beef is an insane asylum would have metal forks around a bunch of nutter butters. You know, that whole fear that one of the inmates could use it to attack hospital staff or fellow inmates. That being said, I now want to see a graphic death scene with a spork. Am I alone on this? Huh? HUH?! 

 

With talented character actors like Bill Mosely, Ken Foree, Danny Trejo, Richard Lynch, Clint Howard, Udo Kier, Sybil Danning and Leslie Easterbrook, it is damn hard to say who I am most happy to see in a flick. Now yes, I do admit to enjoying "The Boogeyman" legend of Michael Myers and Donald Pleasence as the voice of the conscience but AGAIN, Rob wanted to do his own story. It is my firm belief if he did the exact carbon copy of Halloween; there would be even more internet troll bitch fights. Win or lose, Zombie has product, an opening, a middle and an ending. That folks, is called a movie. Whether you were expecting me to crucify it or not, I am just looking at it from my point of view and nothing more.

 

Hang on. I have my script notes here.