Psycho Santa

Hello Readers! Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Gracious Kwanzai and Happy Life Day!!!

As I have been writing freelance I have been away from the blog for some time. It has been requested by a few fans that we need a Christmas horror movie review. I shudder to think that people actually still read this blog but no accounting for taste I suppose.

Today's movie will be no exception in taste, poise and grace. We delve into an anthology of horror that we are supposed to occur in this region of three tales that are loosely linked to one another. This is Psycho Santa.

 

Santa's got no time for chimneys!

 

 

 

 

 

Filmed via DV tape brought to us This Is Not a Dream Productions. We have a girl roaming a junkyard as she's being pursued by a guy in a Santa suit with a serrated blade and then credits. Thought we are getting our first kill and...credits. Cut to couple Ron and Jess as they prepare to go to a Christmas party but Ron seems to have a lack of enthusiasm...for the party, life, his marriage. Seriously his performance is more wooden than a pine tree.

Ron (Jeff Samford of Psycho Santa and Dead Clowns) and Jess (Michelle Samford of Cadaver Bay and Psycho Santa) start the typical unhappy married couple banter of complaining on how long she takes to get ready and how awful his sweater is. I was hoping for a Kane Hodder smash through the window and gack them both. C'mon, doesn't anyone want to see Kane Hodder decked out as a Santa murdering a bickering couple, dressed as a mall Santa? Instead we are treated to public domain Santa cartoon as Ron gets off his ass to load up in the truck, where he can continue to bitch about the length of the drive out into the boonies to party with HIS BEST FRIENDS. Yeah, he's filled with Christmas cheer. Ron sensing Jess is not thrilled with his shitball attitude, lightens the mood telling her a story of a series of murder in the neighborhood during Christmas of a nutter in a Santa suit. Yup, that will ease the tension. Guess he didn't know enough cannibal jokes, small talk or anything of actual use. Just put on the radio, doughy boy!

 

 

 

 

 

 

So three girls meet up at a cabin every Christmas and I guess engage with each other, sacrifice a reindeer to their dark lord and master or just have to fulfill a nudity film clause. A Psycho Santa Clause! Trust me, that is a better joke than I heard in this movie. Two of the girls arrive earlier and their friend Sarah doesn't appear to be at the house yet but all the presents are around the tree. So clearly one of them needs a long shower scene to show off her multiple piercings. PLOT POINT! After her shower, she and other girl. I'm not even being a jerk, they never call each other by their names and IMDB lists them both as Sarah's friend. WTF??!! One of the girls goes outside to get three rocks while the clearly dye job redhead showers. This goes on for more than 4 minutes splicing rock finder's searching b-roll footage with sleazy, poorly lit shower b-roll footage propelling me into a sense of utter boredom. Clearly it is time to get in our Fredricks of Hollywood lingerie, telling ghost stories, listening to bought music and half-ass dance. Because Christmas.

We get Ron explaining what could have been done with a few cut scenes but nope this film tells you the killer came in, killed Sarah, wrapped a few parts in Christmas boxes and did the same to the two girls. Now while that would have been mildly gruesome, you place a box over one of the girls' heads, put some tissue in to cover the hole and put the box lid over it. End scene. We got none of that. I have to hear everything from crappy ghost story, how they danced, collected rocks and DID NOT even worry about Sarah still not being there but get to the potential creepy gore scenes and that's just given to us via derpy Ron's exposition. What in the nine hells, movie?

Our next story involves a couple of burglars and are they a crackerjack team. By that, I think they were freaking out on sugar and caramel corn. Taking close to 2 minutes to pick the locks, our burglars lit by the street lamps and instead of going through the back door, best to be out front looking very obvious as burglars. Makes me wonder if they even had permits to film and the cops got called on them. That would have been entertaining hearing these two cry out, "We're making a movie! God please don't shoot us!"

No gloves for this crack team of pros as they go for the picture of the safe. Yeah they couldn't even go to a place with a safe, so they printed out a picture of a safe to represent the safe. If we turn off a few lights it will, still look like picture of a safe. Our homeowner is blind and thus cannot see the two in the house, in spite she still has ears, a nose smelling their B.O.and in general the rest of her senses are heightened. Secretly she's an attorney by day but by night she's Daredevil.  

 

Santa is burning calories.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bumble-some burglars decide to drown her in her bathtub because she could have identified them to the cops. She walked right by them as they were boosting her stuff. They were perfectly safe. Locked in a closet, blind woman had a loony locked away and now he's loose with a craving for blood. No, not really. Burglar #2 gets offscreened to death and with a crap green filter on the camera we see Burglar #1 speared in the eye with a candy cane sign. With no screams, minor blood and a crap orchestral music. Chilling. Hubby of blind woman drops plot point to officer in charge that Chris was locked away for being a naughty boy but the whacko basket. Sorry, sorry. I mean insane asylum was conveniently burned down and everyone assumed Chris burned up with it. How he got the gasoline to do this or his murder sign is a mystery.  Yup, no arson case follow-up for this building, just head up ass vision on how real life operates. Yes, this movie makes Christmas Evil seem as thrilling and scary as The Exorcist.

Chris has apparently broken into a random woman's house, due to poor continuity he somehow teleported behind said woman, which means he had to come in through the bathroom with no windows. Maybe he came up through the crapper, much like most of this film. No actual death scene but girl flops on bed with a head wound. You are making Bloody Murder 1 look like a Friday the 13^th, movie!  Then it's day time and Chris Santa kills a random kid in the woods but at least we got to see that death scene. 

 

Between the lack of blocking, direction, audio corrections, proper editing this looks like a high-schooler's attempt at directing a horror film. None of these stories lineup well and it is a lot of details that Ron would never have had available because police would have squashed the information on a on-going investigation.  The perfect plot twist would be Ron is actually Chris but then we would have required Ron to "act" and that is asking far too much. So they have gas issues, Ron farted in the truck or they hit a reindeer, they have to stop the truck. Shocking Chris kills them.

There's no creativity, mystery, suspense or even intrigue for this movie. POV shots were fair but the camera made enough noise that it drowns the audio. The actors couldn't care less about the project and their performances illustrate that mindset.

I would rather watch paint dry or be forced to edit Barney the Dinosaur episodes. The only thing this film is good for is examples how to not recreate this movie.

 

Sure hope my shower isn't interrupted with murder.

Rob Zombie's Halloween

Howdy again, Realm of Rotten Readers. I'm begging you guys to come up with something more catchy. It is just not happening for me. Okay, today on the docket has been a fan request for some time. 

 Initially I wasn't interested because I am touchy about remakes but I have been a fan of the man's writing/music and directing so let's see if the unrated version is a bit more intriguing. For some of you that asked me to NOT review this, tough. If you this does not capture your attention, I am more than certain there are other blogs out there. This is Rob Zombie's Halloween.

 

You're my only Kirk, Mr. Shatner.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yes, yes I know Carpenter fans. I am fully aware many of you booed and hissed your way through this flick. I get it. It was not your cup of tea. Let us set aside these issues before I have Malcolm McDowell Cameo the hell out of your social media! I mean, if I can afford that.

We hearken back to the days of young Michael Myers (Daeg Faerch of Dark Mirror, Halloween, Hancock, Run! Bitch Run!, Sebastian, Ditch Party and Killer Therapy) may have a few personality quirks...in the same way Attila the Hun may have had an thriving outdoors-man lifestyle.

The thing is...Zombie's idea was to step away from Carpenter's "Pure Evil" storyline because he wanted his own spin of the flick. Obviously he is a fan of the original but he didn't want to rely heavily on the existing formula. So he gave Michael a bad childhood. A bully big sister, a mother that moonlights as a stripper, a baby sister, an abusive stepfather (No not Terry o' Quinn) and he's constantly berated at school by bullies. Slowly this starts to warp the lad and the next thing you know, he's onto computer games, comic books and RPGs. Oh no, wait. He starts murdering the neighborhood pets. Some sort of catharsis strangling a cat or three. 

 

Another Craigslist Causal Encounters comes to a close.

 

 

 

 

 

 

His mother Deborah (Sherri Moon Zombie of House of 1000 Corpses, Toolbox Murders, The Devil's Rejects, Halloween, Californication, The Haunted World of El Superbeasto and The Lords of Salem) has been made aware of the strange goings on of her little boy, but it doesn't seem to register that she is raising a sociopath.  THE KID HAD A DEAD CAT IN HIS BOOK BAG!!!  How many warning sirens and klaxons you need to go off, lady?  Sheesh!  But Dopey Deborah just puts the whole scenario down as boys being boys.   WTF??!!! 

 

Just payin' for college. Honest.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Abusive stepdad Ronnie (William Forsythe of Raising Arizona, Out For Justice, Dick Tracy, Things to Do in Denver When You're Dead, Virtuosity, The Rock, Boardwalk Empire, The Mob Doctor, and The Witching Hour) is a drunk, unemployed and generally worthless. CHARACTER!

Mikey decides he's grows weary of bully beatings and catches up with one of the boys beating him repeatedly with a thick tree branch. I mean we hear the meaty thunks and the bully boy crying his eyes out. Should have popped him in the mouth, son. Would have been more mumbles than screams. It does sound pathetic as you begin to realize his parents are probably wondering why he's not back from school yet.

Oh quick note, isn't it funny that Charles Lee Ray(Brad Dourif of Child's Play) and Alex DeLarge (Malcolm McDowell of A Clockwork Orange) are pairing up to stop a serial killer?  Yeah it's food for thought, right?

Like a CGI crocodile, Michael's on a rampage as he gives Ronnie and Judith the business end of the murder tools. Also I really couldn't muster any sympathy for Ronnie and Judith, both were kind of awful. Maybe turning them into frickin' kabobs was a bit much, but I couldn't say.

40 minutes of the film is spent showing us Michael going down the rabbit hole to full blown loony tunes. The scenes with Young Michael (Daeg) and Dr. Loomis (Malcolm McDowell of A Clockwork Orange, Time After Time, Caligula, Cat People, Class of 1999, Tank Girl, Star Trek: Generations, Wing Commander, Wing Commander Academy, God of War III and Suing the Devil) establishing the rapport the boy has for his doctor as this is ultimately the only real father figure he has ever had. Loomis tries to avoid becoming attached and remain clinical but he cannot help but allow his heart to go out to one so young and lost. Granted, telling this kid that his wife has up and left as well as, most of his friends because he cannot seem to get past Michael's issues seems a tad unprofessional.

Okay the biggest complaint about this film has been that everyone working in the wacko basket is either rude, heartless or has a rape-like tendency. Seems like there were no personality screening at this nut house.

17 years institutionalized at the institute and Michael makes his move. Funny how he's as big as Tyler Mane from X-Men. Previous Michaels had suffered enough from stunt injuries. 2007? Couldn't have gotten Kane Hodder? Sure he wouldn't be playing Voorhees but I bet he could have made a fun spin on Myers. 

 

O.M.G. We're adorbs!

 

 

 

 

 

Whatever happened to Baby Boo? Well she's now Laurie Strode (Scout-Taylor Compton of Charmed, Wicked Little Things, Halloween, April Fool's Day, The Runaways, Nashville, Feral, The Lurker and Eternal Code) and thankfully she has 80s Mom badass herself, Dee Wallace! By God if there's a critter, rabid St. Bernard or pack of werewolves, Dee's got this in the bag! 

Accompanying Laurie is Annie Brackett (Halloween alumni Danielle Harris of Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers, Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers, The Last Boy Scout, Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead, Roseanne, Left for Dead, Hatchet II, Stake Land, Chromeskull: Laid to Rest 2, Hatchet III and Camp Dread) and Lynda (Kristina Klebe of Zone of the Dead, Criminal Minds, 6 Month Rule, Alter Egos, The Kiss of a Killer, Proxy, Friday the 13^th: The Game and Slay Belles)

For those not following; I will give you the heads up. Yes, there is nudity. Yes there is elaborate gore and yes there is some dialogue that will make you cringe. IT'S A SLASHER FLICK! This did not RUIN the Halloween franchise. Those precious gobbets of Horror are still out there. The original film didn't suddenly burst into flames or was written out of the spacetime contiuum.

Seriously, with the "Thorn" trilogy of Jamie, to the H20 reboot claiming 1 and 2 were the only cannon, and then the 8^th stink nugget Resurrection? Yes, clearly it was Rob Zombie's foul deeds that would ever made this garbled storyline awful. Busta Rhymes killing Michael. The hell, man?

Is this for every Halloween fan? Maybe not. While there are more orchestrated death scenes, it really feels like Zombie was doing the gore grab bag to see what looked nastier on film. Did it make money? Yes! With a budget of 15 million estimated the US Gross alone was over $58 million. Hell, opening weekend was $26 million right there.

Chronology is the biggest gripe for a lot of the critics. Most of the vehicles, music and clothing look like the late 70s, so this could simply be a nod to the original, however as the 17 years have passed, clothing styles, cars and cell phones are making their way so now it looks like the 2000s. I don't know. Hell my only real beef is an insane asylum would have metal forks around a bunch of nutter butters. You know, that whole fear that one of the inmates could use it to attack hospital staff or fellow inmates. That being said, I now want to see a graphic death scene with a spork. Am I alone on this? Huh? HUH?! 

 

With talented character actors like Bill Mosely, Ken Foree, Danny Trejo, Richard Lynch, Clint Howard, Udo Kier, Sybil Danning and Leslie Easterbrook, it is damn hard to say who I am most happy to see in a flick. Now yes, I do admit to enjoying "The Boogeyman" legend of Michael Myers and Donald Pleasence as the voice of the conscience but AGAIN, Rob wanted to do his own story. It is my firm belief if he did the exact carbon copy of Halloween; there would be even more internet troll bitch fights. Win or lose, Zombie has product, an opening, a middle and an ending. That folks, is called a movie. Whether you were expecting me to crucify it or not, I am just looking at it from my point of view and nothing more.

 

Hang on. I have my script notes here.

 

Slay Belles

What is the true meaning of Christmas? Peace and goodwill to all? Mass consumerism? Friends and family gathered to share memories? Well these extensional thoughts are all well and good but, I think it means I have another requested horror film. Yup, no Capra or Sirk requests. No, I get jiggly girls caught in the middle of an ancient battle between good and evil. This is Slay Belles.

You strippers is crazy!

In an abandoned Christmas theme park, three pesky girls Sadie (Hannah Minx of The Devil's Carnival, FearFighter and Slay Belle), Alexi (Kristina Klebe of Halloween, The Accidental Husband, Public Interest, Wild About Harry, Zone of the Dead, BreadCrumbs, Rise of Nightmares and The Kiss of a Killer) and Dahlia (Susan Slaughter of Social Medium, Party Monsters, Alleluia! The Devil's Carnival, Ouija House, Cynthia, Slay Belles, Bliss andThe Dawn) are out and about exploring this forgotten land of mirth and merriment. Naturally this means an assortment of selfies. Ugh. Cleavage baring outfits aside, they genuinely feel like friends that known each other for quite some time. Our intrepid trio is a gang of YouTubers named Adventure Girls. Their niche is cosplay and abandoned buildings exploration.

Around the abandoned village, a biker belching, scratching and being more vulgar than Romanian sailors on a drunken rampage, the girls are a bit creeped out. Unbeknownst to the girls, but pieced together easily enough by viewers of the genre; the girls manage to irk the ancient disposer of naughty children, the Krampus. FYI, the costume's practical effects looks like right out of the old engravings of the German mythos.

Close Encounters of the Ick Kind.

We have a pulp fiction standing of a movie or story with sequences out of place. Prior to this visit the girls sit in with Cherry (Diane Salinger of The Butcher's Wife, Batman Returns, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Power Rangers Lightspeed Rescue, Ghost World and Carnivale) and her bar for rounds of whiskey and a steady diet of exposition about the random bear attacks in the woods.

Donning risque costumes, makeup prepped and attitudes perky, the girls scamper about the village, upset the monster and come face to face with less than jolly Old St Nick (Barry Bostwick of The Rocky Horror Picture Show, Megaforce, Spy Hard, Spin City and FDR: Badass), who would rather be riding his hog (His chopper. Don't be lewd)than dealing with the likes of Krampus and his ilk. Now our vapid, vacuous, vain girly girls have to fight for Christmas and the world instead of click bait.

Damn Frat boys. Always doing this to me.

As always with most horror, the cops are useful as a uranium enema.   Ew, that was a nasty visual but my point still stands.  With aid of improvised weapons, Santa and Ranger Sean (Stephen Ford of Bratz, Maneater, Masked Rider: Dragon Knight, Private Practice,Teen Wolf and Homecoming) the girls are ready to do battle. Win or lose.

Alright the meat and potatoes of this. One: only one real stage or environment to use so cost is down. Two: There is more than a handful of recognizable faces, Three: this is meant to be a Horror Comedy and while there is some funny, yeah it's going to be graphic. Four: The practical effects are really damn good. Krampus alone looks amazing. I did laugh seeing Richard Moll of Night Court, House and Circus Kane and well as Diane Ayala Goldner of Feast, Halloween II, The Collector and Feast II: Sloppy Seconds.

For those that recognize the area, yes that is Santa's Village via Lake Arrowhead in the San Bernadino National Forest. I have only been up there twice but the structures looked familiar and yeah it is about the size of a medieval village.

It's silly, bloody and just damn odd.  Do I recommend it?  Well only if you are in a "Up Yours, Christmas," kind of mood.  I somehow don't see it replacing Dr. Suess's The Grinch Who Stole Christmas.

So this is Chatsworth? We're here to audition.

Red Christmas

Happy Holidays, folks! Be it Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa or Wookie Life Day; people are out and about doing their shopping and making cards. So naturally we have to get in on a Christmas slasher flick. You were expecting Frank Capra perhaps? So we have have a widow and her slightly estranged family are all gathered to a remote estate for Christmas Eve. So of course there's a killer roaming about. This is Red Christmas.

Well the hills do have eyes but they have cataracts.

Filmed in Australia, our favorite 80s horror/sci-fi mom is back! Diane (Dee Wallace of The Hills Have Eyes, The Howling, E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial, Cujo and Critters) gathers her squabbling family up to her home and boy doesn't that sound fun? Like trying to shave public hair with a chainsaw kind of fun.

Our Mouseketeers are all set for a Christmas Eve as they bitch, whine and complain to the levels I am praying a man nuttier than squirrel poop deals them all in. Minus Dee of course. Love this woman. Let's meet the family shall we? Yes this will be as warm and cozy as a flaming straight jacket. 

I SLIPPED!

There's boozy, quite pregnant daughter Ginny (Janis McGavin of Comedy Inc., The Mansion, The Urban Monkey, The Elegant Gentleman's Guide to Knife Fighting and Red Christmas) and her baby daddy Scott (Bjorn Stewart of Black Comedy, Red Christmas, True Murder, Chasing Comets, A Chance Affair, KGB and Spread the Word), Diane's cold-blooded and child barren sister Suzy (Sarah Bishop of Skit Box, The Great Gatsby, BedHead, In a Woman's World, Crushed, Red Christmas and Find Your Voice), her born again, pervy Preacher husband Peter(David Collins of You Can't Stop the Murders, All Saints,Me & My Monsters, Maya the Bee Movie,Oh Yuck!, The Umbilical Brothers: Not Suitable for Children and True Murder), Diane's idiot, spliff smoking, hillbilly bearded brother Joe (Geoff Morrell of Murder Call, Grass Roots, Rogue, Cloudstreet, Top of the Lake, Nippers of Dead Birdy Bay and Harrow) and Diane's son with down syndrome who constantly quotes Shakespeare, Jerry (Gerard O' Dwyer of Be My Brother, Heartbreak & Beauty, Red Christ, Kairos, Little Monsters and Way Out Assistance).

This shindig should go down quicker than a lead balloon. The festivities are interrupted due to a pounding at the door. Looking outside to find a deformed man, Cletus holding a letter addressed to Mother. Diane invites the man in with some degree of hesitancy, allowing him to warm his bones.

Diane gives the letter a gander, refutes these accusations and shuns Cletus (Sam Campbell of Dirty Bird, Johnny Beretta, The Tail Job, Red Christmas, Bin Chickens, Small Town Hackers, Fresh Blood Pilot Season) from her doorstep and denies anything to do with him. With a bit of rambling and grumbling the family calms down. Yeah this didn't chuck a live grenade in the room at all.

Well it goes the stereotypical route as these slashers go. An assortment of elaborate weapons used to dispatch the family with ease. Yeah to go into greater detail will technically spoil the movie.

Let's get that damn squirrel!

Our mood music is fair, the cast is decent, the story is drek and filled with the tropes of old. We have a typical villain done wrong so will have bloody revenge story arc that holds no new surprises. There was a bear trap death that was interesting at best and mildly bloody. I think this may have been a TV movie in Australia. The POV shots were giving me a headache, so photophobic folks should skip it. You all may want to skip this.

If you're bored and found nothing else to watch, have at this movie. If you need background noise while doing the dishes or washing the floor, hey this movie exists. If you wanted a potential thriller horror mystery, this is definitely...not the movie to watch. Dee Wallace was honestly the only shining beacon in this hackneyed attempt to scare me. You guessed it, jump scares. And no male readers that ask me this too often, no titty. While I did not consider this a good horror movie, at least it wasn't the 2006 Black Christmas.

Consequences of sex? Who knew.

Memorial Valley Massacre

Hey gang. Hope you enjoyed that Jim Wynorski film last week because I have went off the beaten path and back into Public Domain Woods and I think I found something that smells worse than a dead and bloated skunk left under the floorboards of a cabin, last spring. With that graphic description done, I am perplexed to what I have as the alternative titles went a bit out there. So a slasher film in the deep woods here we go. This is Memorial Valley Massacre.

Must be a impotence commercial.

Ah, still love low budget horror feeling the words Massacre or Savage solves a crappy film. No, a script writer with enough savvy and brain cells does that. And luck would have it, we do have some alternative titles: Memorial Day, Valley of Death and Son of Sleepaway Camp. Yeah that last one doesn't even make sense. Angela had a son that now stalks the land? Spoiler! Angela's a boy.

This 1989 horror film has undertones of ecological ideals and the killer could be constrewn as Nature striking back in the same way that Jason Vorhees hates T&A, pre-martial sex, alcohol abuse and weed. I am concerned when the director Robert C. Hughes also brought to the screen Zadar! Cow from Hell and Lusty Liasons II. Yes, those titles are real movies.

A gaggle of folks are ready to go camping, boozing and getting all fleshy with one another. Yeah I don't recognize a single one of the kids. I'm convinced they actually kill off the cast. In fact, the only cast member I do know: Cameron Mitchell is hardly even in it as a greedy land developer. A dead worker and dead dog convinces him to shut down the works but hey these campers are more than welcome to try their luck.

Mitchell takes off leaving his son David (Mark Mears) to handle the project and then just takes off. Seriously Cameron Mitchell is not even in the rest of the film. Probably drank himself to sleep for the rest of the shoot.

Not since Easy Rider have there been such mean motor scooters.

We're treated to a zany montage of campers pitching tents with wacky sound effects, bumbling people and if these white people start dancing, I am calling up Jason Vorhees to go to town on them. Someone needs to be stumped to death. For those unaware of this particular maneuver, Vorhees grabs the camper and impales them by forcing their torso on a stump. Perhaps I need a better technical term.

Let's talk about the biggest let down, the killer. The reveal is far too soon and much like the porno money shot, once it happens it is kind of a drag. Five minutes into the movie and Mongo Cromagnon appears. Looks like he scalped Nikki Six in 80s Motley Crue era, glued it to his head and he roams around the campgrounds. Monkeyboy or Hermit as that is what he is tagged via IMDB (John Caso) is irked that people walk about his forest and he proceeds to lash out! By that, he breaks a few windows in the camper trailers and grunts a lot.

Two rangers patrol this whole area of which is Gold Creek Ranch. Ordinarily I would be losing my crap but it is only 160 acres which tabulates to about a quarter of a mile so yeah not really the hot bed of activity I thought it was going to be. I think Crystal Lake covers more mileage. Okay enough Friday the 13^th references I swear.

A rough and tumble biker gang makes their way to the camp grounds and... okay they are as butch as an champion ice skater's partner. I was more intimidated by the bikers in Friday the 13^th in 3D when they harassed Shelly. (Okay that was the last Friday the 13^th reference!).

Wet T-shirt strikes! Meh.

Oh no, motherf**king snakes on my motherf**king camp food! Well that puts a damper on the great outdoors...that has things of nature. Who knew Oscar Meyer could attract so many reptiles.

Naturally this puts off some of the campers and they bail. Like in the next 20 minutes. Okay, don't expect to get your parking fee back. I am certain there were signs up saying: Don't bring crappy processed food to the woods.

The horny campers are looking to make time but the camera can't stay in focus so I guess they have to die instead. I really can't understand why this film isn't properly blocked. Maybe the cameraman was sleeping off the booze he split with Cameron Mitchell, this is his first time filming or he is just really crap at his job. Holy crap! Conan's dad is on the set. William Smith has a ridiculously large filmography ranging from stunts, action films, dude studied Kung Fu, Kenpo and Karate since he was a kid. A body builder and is fluent in at least seven languages. The hell you doing in Memorial Valley Massacre??!! Oh right, working actor. Got it.

Heavens, there's rain! Yeah rude, annoying portly guy on a three wheeler gets his neck snapped. Ohhh graphic. Billy's beheading in Silent Night, Deadly Night of the sledding victim was impressive. This? Not so much. And you know what makes a scary movie? Ghost stories told to adults. Yeah riveting. About as suspenseful as getting your oil changed at a Jiffy Lube. Dear God, will they include sales tax in the final price??!! I JUST DON'T KNOW!!!

Don't fret, fellas. There is some nudity. Yes that age old question, "Will there be titty?" We got you covered. Dear God, can I go through one slasher film review without being asked that? I know not.

So we do have some night time attacks and they are done well. For some reason this version has clips of hardcore pornography. I am not even kidding. I am just glad I didn't video review this because I would have to black box these clips. Stay classy movie.

A bear discovers Fatty McGee and they actually called the cops in the middle of the film. Of course, all they do is get the paramedics in to move Tons of Not So Fun and tell them that the killer bear is out of their jurisdiction and they won't be able to get more help finding him until the middle of the week. So maybe tell the campers to go home could be a priority...or not? Do you want tourist money in more? Close the beaches? Get Matt Hooper of Bears out here? Maybe they were going for another sequel to Grizzly. One that was actually finished that is.

Head Ranger (still the most filthiest title) decides to hunt down the bear as they are convinced he is the killer. That is profiling dammit! I won't stand for it. The campers are informed of the bear attack and rather the sensible idea of getting the hell out of Dodge, many of them are volunteering to go hunt the beer down. Welp, grabbed a twelve pack and a rifle. I'm sure it can only end well. In tears and dumb redneck deaths. Psst token black guys, leave the camp! ASAP! PDQ!

So to recap, we have ghost stories, slapstick, half-assed kills, wet t-shirts in the rain, a random bear and hardcore porn. The hell am I watching?

Ultimately this hodge podge film has no real direction, the characters are so one dimensional you couldn't be moved to care if they die and forget story arc. That ship sailed long ago. There is better film on a dead man's eyes. Sickel & Ebert wouldn't give this film the finger, let alone a thumbs up.

Eddie Deezen is Glenn Danzig in Monkey Boy of Doom.

Beaster Day

Howdy readers! I'm back from the Easter weekend. I'd like to say I have a hearty and zany family film with enough sugary goodness to make a diabetic slightly green around the gills. Well that just wouldn't been my blog.That being said, I didn't want to a slasher film in a bunny costume or a series of zombies. This Catholic didn't feel that was cool. So howzabout a creature feature involving a giant, mutant killer rabbit? No, not Night of the Lepus. This is Beaster Day a.k.a. Beaster Bunny: Here Comes Peter Cottonhell.

Psst, lady.  Got any lettuce?

 With softcore pornographer/indie film director John Bacchus (Vampire Vixens, Zombiez, Kinky Kong, Circle of Fury, Bloodz vs.Wolvez and Bravengers: Age of Buldgetron), I am no doubt, in for a treat. No doubt at all. The generous consensus of IMDB fan reviews is pretty much throwing it under the bus. I shall remain objective. For this could be gold...in spite of all the warnings that it is congealed monkey vomit.

Exterior day shots of Easter eggs and a transition into night ceremony into a wedding. Aww. Most likely the best man Tom can't wait to tell the tale of his buddy, three midget hookers and a snorkle mask buuuuut... Keep in mind this is his father's new marriage. Oh yeah. Drunken, bitter son steps out for a Kent (psst that's a cigarette long ago, Millenials) and hitchhiking when suddenly, POV death!!!

We cut to kooky music and dressing montage of our local dog catcher Doug (Peter Sullivan of Beaster Bunny) who and let's be fair, it a complete and utter tit. He prepares for his mundane existence with such zeal; it would appear he is blissfully unaware he is the town punchline. Overthinking, over-prepared and underpaid, our youthful lad is attempting to be the best at what he does. Catching dogs. The bar is set a bit low for Doug.

Craigslist hook-up goes awry!

Young would-be actress Brenda (Marisol Custodio of Deathly Love, Beaster Bunny, Finding America, Comic Energy and Catching Up) hasn't had the best of luck breaking into gigs, Dad (Bill Joachim of The Waiting game, Beaster Bunny, Samuel's Game and Just Like We Used to Do) is tired of financing her educations and Mom (Valerie Bittner of Just for the Time Being, Hack, The Answer Man, Beaster Day: Here Comes Peter Cottonhell and Billboard) doesn't want to get in the middle of it. Jeeze we have a derpy little brother and we got the sit com: My Disappointing Kids. Coming soon this Fall on NBC!

Thus far, lemonade victim and yes she is credited as such (Darian Crane of of Lust for Dracula, An Erotice Werewolf in London, Kinky Kong, Sex Hex and Fist of the Vampire) has been the only actor I have recognized and well she's rabbit pellets. Spoilers?? Meh.

Crotchety boss Jake (Tom Cikoski of Carlito's Angels, Suburban Secrets, La casa loca, Sex Hex and Superbadazz) is given the dog catchers the low down of a rabid Labrador and to shoot on sight orders. He has a look of murder at Doug every time the kid speaks. The only reason the kid's alive, Jake's too tired to murder, clean up and dispose of his body.

Yet another girl working hard in her garden discovers a plethora of carrots munched and scattered about. Something something, dirty girl joke blah blah. Yeah I am not taxing my brain today. Meanwhile the "rabbit" sounds like a perv on the phone until it T-Rex shrills its attack.

CARROTTTSSSS!!!!!

Convenient swipe and the girls are free. Seriously, Briar Rabbit should have ended up lacerating half her chest with those 12 inch claws. I'm sure you can figure out were this is going.

Quick! We need a Matt Hooper archetype to explain the hunting pattern and evolution of this creature.No? Oh c'mon, movie!

Doubting Mayor Farnsworth (John Paul Fedele of Play-Mate of the Apes, New York Wild Cats, Zombiez, Lust in Space: The Erotic Witch Project IV and Kinky Kong) is taking his cues from Mayor Vaughn via Jaws and is a big time Bunny DaiKaiju denier. Not even a Quint? C'mon, who the hell doesn't want to do a Robert Shaw impression?! I envisioned an RV covered in rabbit pelts, and skulls named the Lepus. Fair well and adieu, to ye Spanish ladies...

Well movie, I just don't know. I just don't know. The stop motion creature is as graceful as Joe Cocker after an ether binge. The best part is him catching up to said victims with Jason Vorhees teleportation capacity. Still no theory on the creature at all. Mine? Drunk necromancer dug up bones of a Rugaru (Cree Native American tribe name for shapeshifter), Chupacabra (Four fanged goat bloodsucker of Mexico) and covered it in pelts of dead rabbits making a janky moving bone and flesh golem to meek out chaos and then had another slug of rot gut bourbon.

Doug and Brenda join forces as they are the only ones to save the rest of the dwindling populous.

Can they stop the creature in time? Will they clean up on the amount of coats and shawls it will make?

The overall vibe was parts Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, Friday the 13^th volume of nudity and goofy creature attacks. We have campy story, a film that cannot be taken seriously and the need for ridiculous violence at the ready. Is it brilliant? No. Is it silly and aforementioned odd? You bet. Very tongue-in-cheek. Hell we even got a "Someone wake up Hicks," line added.

These folk are fans of action/horror/dark comedy. Our director has worked with this softcore stars before so gobs of nudity are added simply because. This is clearly a creature feature spoof. A lark. This was never meant to be taken seriously and it accomplishes that on all levels. Several critics are losing their damn minds over how bad the film is and I'm thinking, "Did we watch the same flick?" Okay so you don't want to put the kiddies down in front of the TV for this one. It is just damn silly so have a laugh. Still they missed out on so many JAWS jokes. 

Watch out for that treeeeee!!!

Felissa Rose Week: Silent Night, Zombie Night

Welcome again back to the week. Yeah it is odd to being viewing this in February when clearly this is a Christmas tale but hey it happens. A story of life in L.A. A torrid tale of two cops partnered with each for years and one of them is diddling the others wife. Oh yeah and there are zombies. This is Silent Night Zombie Night.

Hehe I beefed in the car twice.

From the title I just assumed Ricky or Billy of Silent Night, Deadly Night rose from the dead to "Punish!" but turns out I am wrong. Seriously though this flick is less three minutes in and we already have had three zombie attacks, two on-screen and one off so Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, man!?! Officers Frank Talbot (Jack Forcinito of Blackbelt, Night Trap, Bitter Vengeance, As Good as Dead, Breath of Hate and Jurassic City) and Nash Jackson (Andy Hopper of Black Tie Nights, Girl on a Bed, Cloud Seven, Saint Francis, Shining On, CSI: NY and Political Disasters) both with enough tropes in their back pocket find themselves dealing with a legion of undead spreading rather quickly leaving them trapped with the woman they love, Frank's wife Sarah (Nadine Stenovitch of Heaven,Another World, Nash Bridges, Roadkiller, The Opponent, Beacon Hill, Beowulf and Open House). Yes it's the old standing of cheating wife with best friend, being professional on the job while cornered to hash out their zany differences...with zombies.

Eh, probably healthier than Church's fried chicken.

Nash got injured in the attack, not sure if the gunshot or a zombie bite occurred but Frank pissed off at the situation goes out and blasts a zombie with a twelve gauge...basically ringing the dinner bell. Dude, not watching The Walking Dead or Z-Nation? At any rate, Frank further ensures the salivation of zombie taste buds as they work around the apartment trying to get inside to the tender vittles. "But Jake, I thought you said this was Felissa Rose Week?!" Take it easy, Mr/Mrs shouty, we're getting there.

With a bit of exposition on the failing marriage, misinterpretation of a friend's intentions and so on, Frank hits on the idea of odor repellent via hunting formula. IDJIT! They're not deer! Frank seems too eager to bash civilians with a baseball bat which clearly means it may be time for a sensitivity awareness workshop. Homeowner Jeffery Hannigan (Lew Temple of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning, Waitress, Halloween, Rango, Lawless, The Walking Dead, The Lone Ranger and House of Forbidden Secrets) is holed up in his attic with a pistol, water, food and a slighly injured son. No clue where the wife is at all. Frank accidentally caps Nash and just left him at Jeffery's. Dude, crappy neighbor.

Yeah it beats Zack Synder's nonsense.

Frank and Sarah woke up to be visited by I thought Shocking Dark's Megaforce but it would appear to be NRA enthusiasts Paul Irwin (Vernon Wells of The Road Warrior, Weird Science, Commando, Innerspace, Darksiders, Drop Dead Gorgeous, 100,000 Zombie Heads, Throwback and Jurassic City) and the top billed lady Elsa Lansing (Felissa Rose of Sleepaway Camp, The Night We Never Met, Nikos the Impaler, Horror, Zombiegeddon, Dead Serious, Satan's Playground, Dead and Gone, Psycho Sleepover, Return to Sleepaway Camp and Dahmer vs. Gacy). Not that I am not glad to see some veteran bad asses but an hour into the film and FINALLY we see this dynamic duo is a bit of a wait. With the plan of dealing with more zombies and scooping up Jeffery that plan goes all to hell leaving Elsa running back to Nash's pad. Jeffery got nipped in the face gives Nash his pistol after a long winded speech of missing family.

Will Frank and Nash hash things out? Can Elsa and Sarah pull a zombie slayer duo off?

Big problem with Vernon Wells and Felissa Rose being glorified cameos but I guess the love triangle was supposed to be the pivotal standing on the zombie story. The CGI gun shots, blood splatters and gallons of Karo syrup is effective in cost saving but looks a bit cheesy on film stock digital or otherwise. Maybe if you knock it down to 16mm and then convert to 35mm digital and then add the effects it would work easier. 

Nadine Stenovitch's performance of a woman torn between two guys is believable but Andy Hopper's passive aggressive character was a bit annoying. No fault to the actor, I just hate that particular trope. Ambivalence is what the final response to the film. Not a bad movie but it won't be a memorable one either. Sorry gang but that is my read through. Also I really wanted to see Felissa got sickhouse with a machete or hand axe, blow stray hairs out of her eye and say something to the effect, "You coming along?" Would have sold it for me.

When Airsoft games go too far.

Dustin Ferguson: Silent Night Bloody Night 2: Revival

Howdy boys and girls! Cowboy not Curtis here as we continue on to Day 3 of Dustin Ferguson Week. Who is Dustin Ferguson? Have you really not been reading this week's blog at all? You've been binge watching Supernatural episodes again, haven't you? Fine, fine. Retroploitation Horror Director/writer/editor/producer Dustin Ferguson (Terror at Black Tree Forest, The Legacy of Boggy Creek, Silly Scaries, Escape to Black Tree Forest, Silly Scaries 2, Slumber Party Slasherthon, Black Tree Forest III, Doll Killer, Die Sister, Die! And Gloved Murderess) brings a good product in the style of low budget horror with solid premise, performance and local actors and artists giving best effort. Here's a bit of a poser though, gang. How do you write and direct a sequel to a film that starred 43 years ago? Whelp, you try your level best is my guess. This is Silent Night, Bloody Night 2: Revival.

They're coming to get you, Barbara.

Not to be confused with the James Plumb's Silent Night Bloody Night The Homecoming remake. This is based on the story penned by writer/director Theodore Gershuny (Silent Night, Bloody Night, Sugar Cookies, Stephen King's Golden Tales, Tales from the Darkside and Monsters) Angela (Julia Farrell of Flyover Country, The Eyes of Isabelle, Cheerleader Camp: To the Death, Demon Dolls, Shivers Down Your Spine, Endor, The Amityville Legacy and Deciphering) and James Zacherly (Luc Bernier of Apocalypse Female Warriors, Sinister, Shriek of the Sasquatch, Skull Forest, Blood Mercury, Blood Reunion 3: Hunters, Half Moon Bay and The Slayer) visiting the grave of Max, their brother. Our story continues from a stay at a bed and breakfast made from the former family house/insane asylum as Angela and James discover a diary of Jeffrey Butler, the grandson of Wilford who made his childhood home made into a wacko basket to conceal his DIRTY secrets.

Welcome! You must try the bluefish.

The bed and breakfast crazy house is ran by the Brickmans, Carol (Jennifer Runyon of To All a Goodnight, Another World, Six Pack, Up the Creek, Ghostbusters, Charles in Charge, 18 Again!, Till Death Us Do Part and Carnosaur) and Humphrey (Pete Lipins of Wake the Witch, Way to Go, Christine!, She Lifes Her Life and Wasted Nights) with their daughter Holly (Jennii Caroline of The Legacy of Boggy Creek, Escape to Black Tree Forest, Black Tree Forest III, Doll Killer, Die Sister, Die! And Gloved Murderess)

As bizarre as that is, the townsfolk tell our sibling sleuths about the legend of Black Peter, a brother of Santa Claus similar to the Krampus that roamed the countryside administering punishment of the lethal variety.   "PUNISH!"  Go away Billy! You're Silent Night, Deadly Night. Scram!    Sorry about that folks, where was I?

Do love me some orchestral music in the slashers. It's traditional. You get that millennial horror flicks with additions of Slipknot and Korn???!!! Angela and James watch a VHS tape made by late brother Max telling them a dark tale of their mother having being the biggest liar of them all with cryptic comments and hints to all those mysteries can be solved in this town. As the events of the original start coming to light, Black Peter is making his rounds dealing out much needed punishment for those that have been naughty. Can Angela and James reason with Black Peter? Is he really evil Santa? Could the police in a slasher flick be useful??!!!

Some familiar faces of the Ferguson collective such as Julia Farrell, Jennii Caroline and Breana Mitchell make an appearance. I snickered thinking, "Hmm they are missing Schuylar Craig to round it out." Sadly, Wilford/Jeffrey could only be Crazy Ralph on the phone. He was all set to launch into the town had a death curse and everything. The movie works in that same late 70s early 80s style of building tension, conveying story and making characters without douchey dialogue and being post-modern ironic. It is rare I enjoy a modern horror film so thank God for retroploitation.

Aw, Santa has to put Blitzen down.