Hi gals and guys I am back once more!
Well I had a load of fun with my Laurene Landon Western, so naturally
it's time for a slasher film. I mean I can't enjoy every bit of my
week, that's crazy talk. So howzabout a man coming back from the
dead to instill bloody vengeance on a town that wronged him? No not
Crystal Lake. I think I have reviewed all the Friday the 13ths. No,
instead I thought I would look into Italian Horror /Action director
Umberto Lenzi (Paranoid,The Spy Who Loved Flowers,
Desert Commandos, Pistol for a Hundred Coffins, Eyeball, The Tough
Ones and Cannibal Ferox). This is Nightmare Beach a.k.a.
Welcome to Spring Break.
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| So stuck being the love interest? That's 80s for ya. |
Sadly only one alternative title. So
this time around we are in Florida, awaiting the execution of
notorious biker, Diablo (Tony Bolano of Invasion U.S.A., Miami
Vice, 21 Jump Street, The take, Wiseguy, Red Wind, Baywatch, Just
Cause and Bad Boys) is sentenced to sizzle like 4 strips of
bacon. Yup he's gonna buckle up like Ted Bundy (yeah
I was a kid in Florida when Bundy was electrocuted) and
justice will prevail.
Among the viewing is the sister of the
last victim, Gail (Sarah Buxton of Rock 'n' Roll High School
Forever, Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter is Dead, Fast Getaway II,
Sunset Beach, Days of Our Lives, and The Bold and the Beautiful)
as well as Chief Stryker (John Saxon of Enter the Dragon,
Dynasty, Hands of Steel, A Nightmare on Elm Street, A Nightmare on
Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors, Death House, The Baby Doll Murders and
New Nightmare).
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| Calling me psycho? I'll eat your dog! Calling me psycho. |
Unbeknownst to the good people of Ft.
Liquordale, er um Lauderdale, our biker may have risen from the dead
and is out and about; with a hunger for vengeance. Spring Break is
well into effect and two such bros hoping to score tail, Ronnie
(Rawley Valverde of Guns of Paradise, Nightmare Beach, Santa
Barbara, Baby Talk, Made in America and JAG) and his football
bud, Skip (Editor/actor Nicholas De Toth of The Stuff, Scarecow
and Mrs. King, The Invisible Kid and Nightmare Beach). 1989,
who names their kid Skip? Even if it is just a nickname, who the
hell did that after the 1950s??!!!
With a bouncy co-ed ready to take the
first plunge in the hotel pool, she spots a body floating. By the
way, this pool area was packed and she was the first person to notice
said floater?? C'mon!
Oh, it's just a prank. Tee hee.
With
this nonsense going on; across town Diablo's grave has been dug up,
coffin and all. Naturally his former biker gang, the Demons are
suspect but seriously, what the hell are they going to do with a
corpse? Wait, this might be one of those answers I really don't
want.
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| So we ruled out vampires and Freddy Kruger then? Well, I'm stumped |
Meanwhile a leather clad biker is
buzzing down the highway wearing Demon colors mounting a killing
spree? Curiouser and curiouser. Mark Parks hasn't had a case sting
this badly since The Savage Bees. Doctor Wilet (Michael
Parks of Prime Suspect, Caged Fury, Twin Peaks, Sorceress, From Dusk
Til Dawn, Wicked, Kill Bill: Vol. 1, Death Proof, Planet Terror, Red
State and Tusk) is the main coroner and boy his weekend is
going to be packed, much like his shelves.
John Saxon, what in the nine hells are
you doing in this?! You were in Argento's Tenebre and Craven's A
Nightmare on Elm Street!!! Of course you were in Blood Beach and
Prisoners of the Lost Universe. Hmm. Fortunately, John Saxon is no
stranger to undead killers, Freddy gave him a leg up with this
experience.
City Hall crawling so far in the
Chief's ass, no proctologist will be able to relieve him. With a
couple of close calls for Gail, she starts to wonder if Diablo is
actually returned as he promised.
With crispy victims, it's almost like
how Diablo died. Getting this all down, Chief? I understand you
plan to ignore this problem until it drives up and fries you on the ass!
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| Kids, don't smoke with that much Aqua Net on. |
Skip's confused on where his buddy
Ronnie ended up. Maybe City Hall doesn't want to hearken attention to
the merest possibility of an undead serial slasher hell bent on
cutting a bloody swath through Ft. Lauderdale. Can't really expect
tourist dollars to come rolling in.
Overall, the film's clever in some
standings but it tends to drag. We have other death scenarios that
don't rely on an electric chair output from a Honda bike and some of
the characters have been fleshed out but aside from the primary
characters you really can't be bothered to care that most of these
doofy college kids are getting bumped off. Albeit, they're not as
poorly written as say, an Eli Roth character, wallowing in their own
stagnant pond scum, but also not really interesting to merit sadness.
Oh no, that superficial jagoff that was rude to girls not sleeping
with him is dead. He had so much going for him.
FX makeup and gore gags guru Gary F.
Bentley (Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, The Wrong Guys,
Savage Beach, Robocop 3, Alien: Ressurection and Timeline)
are pretty bang on. From crispy kids, some gutting and strangulation, the work is solid. The story is just goofy.
The music does actually set the tone,
which is impressive considering most of the deaths are daylight
hours. Thankfully composer Claudio Simonetti (Deep Red,
Suspiria, Dawn of the Dead, Tenebre, Conquest, Demons, Hands of
Steel, Primal Rage, Mother of Tears and Bankok Dangerous) is
trying to send shivers down your spine.
At its core, it is a slasher movie and
the veteran actors of this genre are on their "A" game, I'm
just probably burned out on how many killers return from the grave
and most likely jaded.
With a mild amount of T 'n' A, graphic
gore scenes and chasing all over Ft. Lauderdale, it does make for
decent thrills but at the end, I give it a C+. Nothing genuinely
scared me, the story is a bit jumbled and I wasn't that impressed
with the finished product.
How this fell under the Video Nasties
list in the day must have been out of title only.
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| Hapless and horny. |
