Mansion of the Living Dead

What's this? A gaggle of jiggly girls that work at a topless bar? A vacation that may go awry? Gobsmack oodles of nudity, all with a horror theme? Why this has to be the work of prolific pornographer/hardcore/softcore and horror erotica, Jesus Franco (White Skin Black Thighs, Ilsa, the Wicked Warden, Kiss Me Killer, Voodoo Passion, Wicked Women, Women in Cellblock 9, Cannibal Terror Hellhole Women, Zombie Lake. Oasis of the Zombies and Alone Against Terror). 

Quick question, who in the nine hells requested me to review this??  Well, I suppose it won't be too painful.   This is Mansion of the Living Dead. 

 

The blocking is this way. Hoist those bewbs, girls.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Given the references of Blind Dead characters, I am guessing some folk are feeling this is somehow linked to the Amando de Ossorio's Blind Dead quadrilogy. SPOILERS! It's not. I have a feeling whoever requested it, full-on knew it! Yeah I'm a bit irked. 

We open with monks vacating a monastery in orderly fashion.Why they are wearing masks left over from the last Day of the Dead festival, no clue. And then they buggered off.

 Four colleagues, Lea (Mari Carmen Nieto of Mansion of the Living Dead, Diamonds of Kilimandjaro, Blood on My Shoes, Alone Against Terror, The Sexual Story of O, Night Has a Thousand Desires, Lilian and Una rajita para dos), the constantly randy Caty (Elisa Vela of Mansion of the Living Dead, Confesiones intimas de una exhibicionista, Cries of Pleasure and Fury in the Tropics), ditzy Mabel (Mabel Escano of La promesa, Las camareras, Foul Play, Curro Jimenez, Cabo de vara, Mi adultero esposo and The National Mummy) and lovely Candy (Lina Romay of Female Vampire, Mansion of the Living Dead, Pick-Up Girls, Oasis of the Zombies, Night of Open Sex, Revenge in the House of Usher, Diamonds of Kilimandjaro,White Cannibal Queen,Fury in the Tropics and Angel of Death) all work at the same topless bar and have a fairly tight knit relationship. None of that back stabbing, trying to steal clients away from one another. 

 I was stunned to see the girls arriving in what I believe was Franco's fetish: Terrycloth Shorty shorts and high heels. The women in his flicks do seem to almost always wearing them. 

 They apparently really put their backs into work that they need a weekend away from Munich and off to Gran Canaria or the Canary Islands via Spain for those unaware of the region. With the recommendation of the travel agency, the girls went to a dream hotel right next to the beach is all the girls could hope for.  Given this is an 80s Italian horror jiggly film, they'll need penis and booze before they are sated. 

 

They are the Monks, the Loneliest Monks. huh?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The place seems completely deserted and yet none of these girls' survival instincts are kicking in? And by deserted, I mean the town in question. With all their collective giggling and jiggling, they really hadn't noticed how empty the town appears to be, scoff at it as everyone must be at the beach.  A building with more than 300 rooms, the streets on the way to said hotel and COMPLETELY DEVOID OF LIFE!!!  Oh I know, they're probably all at the beach. Yes this line is used over 5 times! WAKE UP!!! You're in a bad Twilight Zone episode, your lives are forfeit if you don't act now!!  

With the only person about, the regional manager Carlos Savonarola (Antonio Mayans of Emmanuelle y Carol, White Cannibal Queen, Cannibal Terror, Hellhole Women, Zombie Lake, Pick-Up Girls, Emmanuelle Exposed, Revenge in the House of Usher, Alone Against Terror, The Panther Squad, Angel of Death and Fury in the Tropics) is giving the ladies the grand tour and leads them all to their rooms. Oh wait, no he doesn't. He gives them their keys and vague directions to their room. Prick.  Ladies reading this blog, he is giving either a lecherous eye or a full-on John Carradine creeper eye. Whichever it may be, you'd mace him, knee him in the balls and run, right? 

 

Udo Walken: for all your creeper needs.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The guy looks like a hybrid of Udo Kier and Christopher Walken. Stranger Danger!!!  There are more than 600 rooms, but Udo Walken wants the lot of you on other ends of the quad. They're booked solid. Really? Are you? Show me these people! Show me their cars, trucks, jeeps, Hell even those fruity little scooters! SHOW ME EVERYONE!!! 

 By this point, the girls should be hitting him with heavy objects and running for their lives.  Also, what the hell, German travel agency?   This hotel pay you in blood money?  5,000 deutch marks just get slipped your way every month?  Was the ramshackle hotel in Eaten Alive booked?  Thank goodness. That way the girls don't die via crocodile and the Lord's will.   Guess the girls will be bummed knowing that they could have been with Buck and he likes to...fornicate. Yeah this is still a PG-13 blog, get over it.   Could have made a stop-off at Motel Hell as well.  Farmer Vincent always sets a nice table. 

 

And now my friends, I must appease the male horndog readers. YUP nudity. Buckets of it! Faux lesbian scenes, tanning topless scenes, shower scenes, solo scenes, so much nudity you will forget this is a horror film. Sorry ladies. I felt you should be warned and it starts at the 8 minute and 37 second mark, which is a bit of restraint of Franco's behalf. Just going by Zombie Lake and Oasis of the Zombies time slot for jiggly tits getting freed. 

 Shot in Panavision, the sound is sadly in mono, so it dips in and out. Probably an effect corrected with an updated DVD or Blu-Ray version. Sadly, my POS viewing was the direct from VHS to DVD so no one cleaned up the picture or sound. Yay me!  I also have the English subtitle not the English dubbed version. 

What does faux lesbian mean?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This movie is an hour and 37 minutes long and you feel every swing of the pendulum like the Sword of Damocles hanging over your tacky head. Also a wide-screen version. Not even sure if this wasn't also a video error via compression. 

 Is this a worthwhile film? No. Is there any justifiable reason for watching it? No. Look, if you're horny, there's ridiculous amounts of porn. I'm not judging. These characters are simply too stupid to be alive. They would have been hit by buses, fallen through a uncovered manhole, a sandstorm would have stripped their flesh off. A plague of locusts would have eaten their bits. What I am getting at is, they are less than believable as human beings. I am surprised they don't have to remind each other to breathe in and out.

 We get past the 8 minute mark, the girls are either fooling around with one another, roaming topless or engaged in their faux lesbian shenanigans. 

The plot is more micro-thin than a spandex thong! What's the plot? I'll help you. Titty. Character development? How titties are doing. Character death? Whose titties are no longer available. Potential evil killer cult? Dislikes titties. 

 Yeah I really could have done without this flick. PLEASE STOP asking for Jesus Franco film reviews! I beg you!

Hi. We're here for the Scream audition.

 

The Butchers

 Greetings Readers of the Rotten. Well I'm back with a much requested horror movie. Yeah I'm thrilled to be diving back into this genre (he said with the greatest amount of sarcasm), so we will see if this is remotely entertaining. A gathering of strangers on a bus having their bus break down, brings them to a house and yes THEY READ FROM THE BOOK! This is The Butchers a.k.a. Death Factory a.k.a. The Factory 

 

Silent but deadly...

 

 

 

 

 

Now the film I found had the title "Death Factory" but it was not the Brad Sykes 2002 movie. So it is a film of alternative titles!!! YAY! Always a good sign! Yes we have the trope goodness of young teens to 20 somethings recipe of disturbing the dead, the monster, the ancient curse. Those pesky kids with their boozing, fornication and loving life. Our opening credits look like a combo platter of Super 8 movies, old stills, TV static and an acid trip. Combining eerie chamber music with these visions makes this flick already bizarre. Oh and I forgot the biggest spoilers of them all, the fricking serial killer trial publications. Way to let that one slip out of the bag.

Brothers Simon (Damien Puckler of 666: The Beast, Death Racers, Camel Spiders, Grimm,Chase and Redwood Massacre: Annihilation) and Brian (Cameron Bowen of Blue's Clues, Touched by an Angel, Fraiser, Disney Golf, American Dreams, Seabiscuit, Mystic River, Wristcutters: A Love Story, Young Justice, and Young Justice: Legacy) are stuck on a bus, Simon relives a nightmare of him killing his father after his father slain his mother. Always a classic, right?

 

That chick in the earlier picture float an air biscuit?

 

 

 

 

 

Meanwhile a eerie looking lawyer JB (Semi Anthony of Circle of Influence, Against the Grain, The Chosen Ones, Death Factory, Modern Family, Triumph, Abby Grace and Headgame) is "hell bent" to purchase this a museum honoring serial killers or edifying them. The landowner on the other hand, he doesn't feel like selling in spite of the generous offer by JB.   JB decides to fall back on his second offer and stabs said landowner to death and get on about his business.   His business is reading from THE BOOK OF THE DEAD??!!! He get that from Ashley J Williams??!  Ash drop that on eBay?!   Actually, that does sound like a bonehead move Ash would do.  Don't forget to say every, tiny syllable.

The museum happens to hold the blood samples of all said serial killers. Hold up. Suspending disbelief here. Since when did this particular ghoulish effect occur in forensics?  Why would law enforcement as far back as Albert Fish a.k.a. The Cannibal Vampire would have blood samples and how on God's green Earth and convoluted plot line would this dinky museum have the money, power and connections to acquire their blood???

 

Daggum CGI fires!

 

 

 

 

 

 

At this point, the bus breaks down in the same dinky, ghost town and our passengers are forced off the bus for repairs.  PLOT POINT!!!  Let's get a Mouseketeer line-up of our soon-to-be deadies. There's plucky Nicole (Ire Wardlaw of Leverage, Hopelessy in June, Blackstar Warrior, Gone Girl, Intruder and State of Desolation), premiscous Candi (Charito Mertz of Passions, The Suite Life of Zack & Cody, Greek, Days of Our Lives, Trapped: Haitian Nights, Next Stop fo Charlie, CityBird and FCU: Fact Checkers Unit), steadfast Star (actress/stunt person Tonya Kay of The Muppets, Fully Loaded, Silverwood: Final Recordings, Raze, The Lone Ranger, Dark Space, The Kill Corporation, Nightmare Code, Bastard, The Other Wife, The Amityville Terror, The Fosters and A Better Place), doofus horndog Kip (Jacob Hobbs of Almost a Woman, Hercules, Death Factory, Headgame and Army of One), bellicose Ren (Jeremy Thorsen of America's Court with Judge Ross, Decisions, Tosh.0, Girls of Sunset Place, B4, Deadly Wives and Hotels Secrets & Legends), Daisy (Mily Sanders of Profiler, Boyz Nite Out/Grrlz Nite in, The Removals, Humbug, Sunday Driver and Here Piggy Piggy) and...Bill (Braxton Davis of Samurai Cop 2: Deadly Vengeance, The Ghetto, WEAPONiZED, A Weekend with the Family, Let It Bleed, Causal Encounters, Better Criminal, The Aliens and American Exorcism).

Off the bus and screwing around, Ren and Star find the Book of the Dead and OF COURSE they read from it, thus resurrecting six nutter butters to a night of holy terror.  SMOOOOTH!!! Your encore is what?  Bad touching someone's mother while simultaneously pouring sugar in my gas tank??!!

 

Tee hee. Plot development.

 

 

 

 

 

 

And yes, yes yes fellas, there's titty. Every friggin' time I review a slasher film, it is almost always asked so yes bewbs are a happenin'. They can't further the plot, but they can momentarily distract you.

Let's not make this out like all I am doing is bashing the film. This was a professional crew, lighting, sound and film all commercial grade, the cast did their best with the given dialogue and money was made.   Thing is I simply was not captured by it.   So at the end of the day I was not emotionally invested in the film and this is just my opinion.   Would I advise people to watch it?  No.  That doesn't mean someone else won't watch and take away from the movie what I could not.

 

Overall, there is some clever ideas like what was done with Jack the Ripper, the SFX gore and a bit of CGI is feasible but it boils down to gore gags, less than stellar dialogue and two-dimensional characters.  That's not to say this was a bad film, it just lacked cohesion.  A lot of ideas and a limited ability to house them all.  I have seen better movies but again this wasn't crap.   A lot of thought went into it but clearly this was a real difficult one to pull off well.

Your weapons, your clothes, give them to me.

Slay Belles

What is the true meaning of Christmas? Peace and goodwill to all? Mass consumerism? Friends and family gathered to share memories? Well these extensional thoughts are all well and good but, I think it means I have another requested horror film. Yup, no Capra or Sirk requests. No, I get jiggly girls caught in the middle of an ancient battle between good and evil. This is Slay Belles.

You strippers is crazy!

In an abandoned Christmas theme park, three pesky girls Sadie (Hannah Minx of The Devil's Carnival, FearFighter and Slay Belle), Alexi (Kristina Klebe of Halloween, The Accidental Husband, Public Interest, Wild About Harry, Zone of the Dead, BreadCrumbs, Rise of Nightmares and The Kiss of a Killer) and Dahlia (Susan Slaughter of Social Medium, Party Monsters, Alleluia! The Devil's Carnival, Ouija House, Cynthia, Slay Belles, Bliss andThe Dawn) are out and about exploring this forgotten land of mirth and merriment. Naturally this means an assortment of selfies. Ugh. Cleavage baring outfits aside, they genuinely feel like friends that known each other for quite some time. Our intrepid trio is a gang of YouTubers named Adventure Girls. Their niche is cosplay and abandoned buildings exploration.

Around the abandoned village, a biker belching, scratching and being more vulgar than Romanian sailors on a drunken rampage, the girls are a bit creeped out. Unbeknownst to the girls, but pieced together easily enough by viewers of the genre; the girls manage to irk the ancient disposer of naughty children, the Krampus. FYI, the costume's practical effects looks like right out of the old engravings of the German mythos.

Close Encounters of the Ick Kind.

We have a pulp fiction standing of a movie or story with sequences out of place. Prior to this visit the girls sit in with Cherry (Diane Salinger of The Butcher's Wife, Batman Returns, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Power Rangers Lightspeed Rescue, Ghost World and Carnivale) and her bar for rounds of whiskey and a steady diet of exposition about the random bear attacks in the woods.

Donning risque costumes, makeup prepped and attitudes perky, the girls scamper about the village, upset the monster and come face to face with less than jolly Old St Nick (Barry Bostwick of The Rocky Horror Picture Show, Megaforce, Spy Hard, Spin City and FDR: Badass), who would rather be riding his hog (His chopper. Don't be lewd)than dealing with the likes of Krampus and his ilk. Now our vapid, vacuous, vain girly girls have to fight for Christmas and the world instead of click bait.

Damn Frat boys. Always doing this to me.

As always with most horror, the cops are useful as a uranium enema.   Ew, that was a nasty visual but my point still stands.  With aid of improvised weapons, Santa and Ranger Sean (Stephen Ford of Bratz, Maneater, Masked Rider: Dragon Knight, Private Practice,Teen Wolf and Homecoming) the girls are ready to do battle. Win or lose.

Alright the meat and potatoes of this. One: only one real stage or environment to use so cost is down. Two: There is more than a handful of recognizable faces, Three: this is meant to be a Horror Comedy and while there is some funny, yeah it's going to be graphic. Four: The practical effects are really damn good. Krampus alone looks amazing. I did laugh seeing Richard Moll of Night Court, House and Circus Kane and well as Diane Ayala Goldner of Feast, Halloween II, The Collector and Feast II: Sloppy Seconds.

For those that recognize the area, yes that is Santa's Village via Lake Arrowhead in the San Bernadino National Forest. I have only been up there twice but the structures looked familiar and yeah it is about the size of a medieval village.

It's silly, bloody and just damn odd.  Do I recommend it?  Well only if you are in a "Up Yours, Christmas," kind of mood.  I somehow don't see it replacing Dr. Suess's The Grinch Who Stole Christmas.

So this is Chatsworth? We're here to audition.

Sorority Girls and the Creature from Hell

What do you say, kiddies? Well after Grindsploitation 8 a.k.a. Drive-In Grindhouse, I was itching for some schlocky Horror. So looking into the 90s for an obscure horror film, I will pitch the following: What do you get when you mix a pinch of Slumber Party Massacre, a dash of Evil Dead then whip to a blend of horror, action and comedy? This is Sorority Girls and the Creature from Hell a.k.a. Uncle Ray's Cabin.

They primp and crimp so they may screw like rabbits.

Brought to us by American Cinema Marketing (Ghostkeeper, Moonstalker, Syngenor, Loose Ends, The Lords of Magick and The Devil Wears White) so this could go either way. They are also responsible for distribution of Hobgoblins so yeah, this might sting a bit.

So a gaggle of sorority girls go with some boys to a cabin in the woods. Yeah cause it worked so well for Bruce Campbell. Unbeknownst to them a killer breaks free from his bonds (probably due to skeleton crew or piss poor budgeting) and no Dr. Loomis in sight to tell us how he is composed of pure evil. Shot at the poorly named Mt. Baldy California, with lush campgrounds, forests for getting lost while barely clothed and easily teleporting serial killers, yeah you can do a slasher film up there.

OMG, director! the cameraman's zooming on my cleavage again.

An archeologist looks to unearth the remains of an ancient Native American tribe because (Say it with me) "It belongs in a museum!" So Not Dr. Jones gets reminded by a retiree the dead deserve their rest and to not tamper in God's domain, throw it Crazy Ralph's "It's got a death curse!" and you will still be ignored. Apparently these cats only listen to someone with two or three PhDs.

During the same time, a group of convicts are working a chain gang assignment. Oil and fire shall now commence. More like happenstance; as a busty girl on a bicycle might be distracting, long enough for a prison break. With two prison guards getting the business end of shovels, the break looks promising. Alas one guard was packing an M-16 and mullets start getting shot up. Yeah I haven't seen that many mullets outside of a Wal-Mart at three in the morning. Said perky girl Denise (Stacey Lynn of Sorority Girls and the Creature from Hell and Breakfast in Bed) is blissfully unaware of the road gang carnage and to be fair, just because she had a smoking hot body, doesn't excuse the guards from not paying attention to their job.

Belinda(Dori Courtney of Tango & Cash, Mob Boss, Sorority Girls and the Creature from Hell and Camp Fear) and Mary Anne (Deborah Dutch of Hard to Die,976-Evil II, Divorce Law, Dinosaur Island, Bikini Witness, Dances with Werewolves and Meathook Massacre II) planned and arranged everything so they are good to go for the party after finals. Ew except Sara (Lynette McBrearty of Sorority Girls and the Creature from Hell), she's a NEEEERRRRDDDDD!!!! Oh 90s, I hardly miss you. Don't worry my sexist oinker male readers, the ladies have clearly signed as I like to call it, "The Linnea Quigley School of Nudity Clause" So too much storyline and character development getting you down? Oh look! Bewbs. You're welcome. On a serious note, that was a lot of tan lines. A night of booze, boys and basic debauchery awaits them if only it wasn't for these pesky subplots.

Table Dancing!  $10

Stock footage of Marine helicopters come the woods and residing highways looking for the last hockey hair felon. Yeah it looks near bulletproof so head shots are a no go.

Professor "I Spit on the Ancient Gods" unleashes something dark in the woods, hungry for young flesh. Well enough of that, let's check on our Crazy Ralph substitute. Uncle Ray!

Uncle Ray (Douglas Koth of Critters, Checking Out, Sorority Girls and the Creature from Hell and Equal Justice) is just a day away from crawling inside a whiskey barrel and not facing the world. But having his face morphed into a near terror mask while he serves a talking cave fresh blood is something that does not commonly come up in conversation. Oh Uncle Ray? Yeah he got warped by an evil, sentient cave and is doomed to roam the Earth in search of blood. Pass the potatoes, please?

You get the overall vibe of the movie. Slasher and creature horror, soft porn situations, some less than stellar dialogue with humor as well. Maybe it is the line delivery. Maybe I have seen too many films of this particular ilk. (Ilk, not a big deer) I am not certain but I can say it was diverting, silly and a little bit campy. Clearly the creator did not want to take this completely seriously. I mean just look at the title alone. Very tongue in cheek but I was wondering why the unrequited love between frat bros Skip and Steve was never to be. They seem damn near murderous when spying on Belinda and her new guy. Seriously, they were mere hours away from going to the hardware store for chainsaws and hedge clippers.

The creature SFX is fair. No it's not Rick Baker quality and yeah I can tell there is a lot of rubber that poor guy was sweltering in but honestly, they tried. They looked at this goofy script and went, "Yeah, I think I can make this happen." Ballsy.

Where else are you going to find a monster working for a talking cave? The cave demands more blood!

Beyond Botox!!!

Nightmare Beach

Hi gals and guys I am back once more! Well I had a load of fun with my Laurene Landon Western, so naturally it's time for a slasher film. I mean I can't enjoy every bit of my week, that's crazy talk. So howzabout a man coming back from the dead to instill bloody vengeance on a town that wronged him? No not Crystal Lake. I think I have reviewed all the Friday the 13ths. No, instead I thought I would look into Italian Horror /Action director Umberto Lenzi (Paranoid,The Spy Who Loved Flowers, Desert Commandos, Pistol for a Hundred Coffins, Eyeball, The Tough Ones and Cannibal Ferox). This is Nightmare Beach a.k.a. Welcome to Spring Break.

So stuck being the love interest? That's 80s for ya.

Sadly only one alternative title. So this time around we are in Florida, awaiting the execution of notorious biker, Diablo (Tony Bolano of Invasion U.S.A., Miami Vice, 21 Jump Street, The take, Wiseguy, Red Wind, Baywatch, Just Cause and Bad Boys) is sentenced to sizzle like 4 strips of bacon. Yup he's gonna buckle up like Ted Bundy (yeah I was a kid in Florida when Bundy was electrocuted) and justice will prevail.

Among the viewing is the sister of the last victim, Gail (Sarah Buxton of Rock 'n' Roll High School Forever, Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter is Dead, Fast Getaway II, Sunset Beach, Days of Our Lives, and The Bold and the Beautiful) as well as Chief Stryker (John Saxon of Enter the Dragon, Dynasty, Hands of Steel, A Nightmare on Elm Street, A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors, Death House, The Baby Doll Murders and New Nightmare).

Calling me psycho? I'll eat your dog! Calling me psycho.

Unbeknownst to the good people of Ft. Liquordale, er um Lauderdale, our biker may have risen from the dead and is out and about; with a hunger for vengeance. Spring Break is well into effect and two such bros hoping to score tail, Ronnie (Rawley Valverde of Guns of Paradise, Nightmare Beach, Santa Barbara, Baby Talk, Made in America and JAG) and his football bud, Skip (Editor/actor Nicholas De Toth of The Stuff, Scarecow and Mrs. King, The Invisible Kid and Nightmare Beach). 1989, who names their kid Skip? Even if it is just a nickname, who the hell did that after the 1950s??!!!

With a bouncy co-ed ready to take the first plunge in the hotel pool, she spots a body floating. By the way, this pool area was packed and she was the first person to notice said floater?? C'mon!

Oh, it's just a prank. Tee hee. 

 With this nonsense going on; across town Diablo's grave has been dug up, coffin and all. Naturally his former biker gang, the Demons are suspect but seriously, what the hell are they going to do with a corpse?  Wait, this might be one of those answers I really don't want.

So we ruled out vampires and Freddy Kruger then? Well, I'm stumped

Meanwhile a leather clad biker is buzzing down the highway wearing Demon colors mounting a killing spree? Curiouser and curiouser.   Mark Parks hasn't had a case sting this badly since The Savage Bees. Doctor Wilet (Michael Parks of Prime Suspect, Caged Fury, Twin Peaks, Sorceress, From Dusk Til Dawn, Wicked, Kill Bill: Vol. 1, Death Proof, Planet Terror, Red State and Tusk) is the main coroner and boy his weekend is going to be packed, much like his shelves.

John Saxon, what in the nine hells are you doing in this?! You were in Argento's Tenebre and Craven's A Nightmare on Elm Street!!! Of course you were in Blood Beach and Prisoners of the Lost Universe.   Hmm.   Fortunately, John Saxon is no stranger to undead killers, Freddy gave him a leg up with this experience.

City Hall crawling so far in the Chief's ass, no proctologist will be able to relieve him. With a couple of close calls for Gail, she starts to wonder if Diablo is actually returned as he promised.

With crispy victims, it's almost like how Diablo died. Getting this all down, Chief? I understand you plan to ignore this problem until it drives up and fries you on the ass!

Kids, don't smoke with that much Aqua Net on.

Skip's confused on where his buddy Ronnie ended up. Maybe City Hall doesn't want to hearken attention to the merest possibility of an undead serial slasher hell bent on cutting a bloody swath through Ft. Lauderdale. Can't really expect tourist dollars to come rolling in.

Overall, the film's clever in some standings but it tends to drag. We have other death scenarios that don't rely on an electric chair output from a Honda bike and some of the characters have been fleshed out but aside from the primary characters you really can't be bothered to care that most of these doofy college kids are getting bumped off. Albeit, they're not as poorly written as say, an Eli Roth character, wallowing in their own stagnant pond scum, but also not really interesting to merit sadness.

 Oh no, that superficial jagoff that was rude to girls not sleeping with him is dead.  He had so much going for him.

FX makeup and gore gags guru Gary F. Bentley (Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, The Wrong Guys, Savage Beach, Robocop 3, Alien: Ressurection and Timeline) are pretty bang on. From crispy kids, some gutting and strangulation, the work is solid. The story is just goofy.

The music does actually set the tone, which is impressive considering most of the deaths are daylight hours. Thankfully composer Claudio Simonetti (Deep Red, Suspiria, Dawn of the Dead, Tenebre, Conquest, Demons, Hands of Steel, Primal Rage, Mother of Tears and Bankok Dangerous) is trying to send shivers down your spine.

At its core, it is a slasher movie and the veteran actors of this genre are on their "A" game, I'm just probably burned out on how many killers return from the grave and most likely jaded.

With a mild amount of T 'n' A, graphic gore scenes and chasing all over Ft. Lauderdale, it does make for decent thrills but at the end, I give it a C+. Nothing genuinely scared me, the story is a bit jumbled and I wasn't that impressed with the finished product.

How this fell under the Video Nasties list in the day must have been out of title only. 

Hapless and horny.

Black Shampoo

And we are back, ladies and gents. Hope you are enjoying President's Day, getting some decent savings on furniture, automobiles and apparently pizza sales. Today's moving pictures hails from Blaxploitation of what appears to be the sleazier side of it. Yes this is no Shaft or Black Belt Jones but more of a near porn variety if the opening theme music is to be believed. Back from Greydon Clark's basement (Angels' Revenge, Hi-Riders, Joysticks, Final Justice, The Uninvited, The Forbidden Dance and Mad Dog Coll) hails the tagline: "He's Bad... He's Mean... He's a Lovin' Machine. This is Black Shampoo a.k.a. Sex at the Salon.

This naked make out aids in the hair drying?

From the man that brought Satan's Cheerleaders, this cheesy sleazy exploitation of Mr. Johnathan (John Daniels of Tender Loving Care, The Candy Tangerine Man, Bare Knuckles, Mean Dog Blues and Flesh-Eating Mothers) runs a salon and apparently is a gigolo. Guess he styles the hair then messes in up in a sweaty, moaning fashion. Are they paying extra for the sex? Honestly I don't know. Dude looks like a genetic experiment of James Earl Jones crossed with Lou Ferrigno. Couple that with most of his filmography titles sound like gay porn titles, minus Flesh-Eating Mothers of course.

Our opus opens with saxophone, bass and enough wah wah pedal I am checking around that I didn't conjure the ghost of John Holmes.  No sooner does Mr. Johnathan finish scrubbing this pent up white girl's hair, it is alluded she starts blowing him. Yeah, I'm sure it was plot related somehow.  No we do not see that scene. Thankfully.   Oh goody, gay stereotypes like Artie (Skip E. Lowe of Crazy Mama, Ilsa, Harem Keeper of the Oil Sheiks, Bare Knuckles, Bitter Heritage and Prime Suspect)and Richard (Gary Allen of Joshua and Black Shampoo)and they're giggly and fabulous. Grrr...

Mongo like candy.

Secretary Brenda (Tanya Boyd of Isl, Harem Keeper of the Oil Sheiks, Roots, GoodTimes, The Happy Hooker Goes Hollywood, Sanford Loving, Lulu and Days of Our Lives) knows the ins and outs of the business but she's not one to gossip. Kind of Effie to Johnathan's Sam Spade if you will.

With an emergency "hair appointment" at the request of Mrs. Simpson (Heather Leigh of Sexual Ecstasy of the Macumba, Mafia Girls, Black Shampoo, Special Delivery and Hot Nasties) Johnathan may have taken in more than he bargained for. As he heads out, some mafia goons head into the salon and have a chat with Brenda. One would conclude her former employer Mr. Wilson (Joseph Carlo of Satan's Cheerleaders and Black Shampoo) wasn't too happy of her taking off. And that damn kid Dennis is always knocking baseballs through his window too.

After a bit of gay bashing (they tossed Artie and Richard around), head thug tells Brenda she better call 'da boss or people will really get hurt.

Johnathan is being hit on profusely by teens. Seriously the double entendres are so blatant, they're actually painful. "Oh that's a big tool. I bet you're really handy with it." Stay classy, movie.

Mrs. Simpson's gonna teach these girls a lesson. By grinding on Mr. Johnathan. Hmm, this might be a softcore porn flick.   Brenda tells Johnathan she has to go, so he takes out to dinner.  Brenda baby, don't fall for that. Mr. Johnathan's probably got more STDs than James Kirk or at least near to it.

Brenda hasn't called quick enough for Mr. Big there so hired goons go trash the salon to kooky circus like music. Yeah, I was delighted too. Ugh, bring back the mindless booty call scenes now.

Got my roscoe trained on ya, see?

Eventually Johnathan is tired of his place of business thrashed and Brenda being scared so Johnathan is on the case. He's almost Shaft... kinda. Maybe. His cruising music must have been stuck on the interpretive jazz station.

Brenda goes back to Mr. Wilson and he humbly apologizes for the shop getting torn up and says to submit damage bills to him. Yeah that's the least you can do, sucka. No, that line wasn't in the film. Should have been. His thugs raz Johnathan, he pimp slaps one down, one gets it in the planter's and thug number three remembered he has a gun. Wow, brains on a knuckle dragger. Well to console his broken heart, Johnathan goes and plows a client like the back 40.

Brenda gets the goods on Mr. Wilson and goes to Johnathan for protection. HAIR DRESSER! Not a P.I., not a cop, ex-cop, ex-military!!! Not that I would know. We get literally no backstory with this dude aside from he does hair and the owners of said hair. I have a new name for his place, "The Primp, Crimp and Pump!"

With a big showdown with the thugs, Johnathan show them a thing or two. WITH A CHAINSAW??!!! WTF??!!!

Okay let's talk about the issues I have with this film. A few N bombs and gay bashing aside, the women are written like brain dead bimbos that only Johnathan can satisfy, the thugs are barely believable as humans and frankly the double entendres got damn childish.

The technical problems? Blocking scenes is real tough, camera won't focus from foreground to background, clothes, towels constantly moving around from scene to scene so continuity is in the toilet and at some point during a shower sex scene, the fricking sound dies out, soundtrack and all. The editing looks like it was done by a diarrhetic howler monkey. It's shit!

Finally recognized another actor as "New Receptionist" (Jacqulin Cole of Satan's Sadists, The Female Bunch, Angel's Revenge, Wacko and Joysticks). Not exactly filling with joy but I suppose it was a minor mental exercise. This is gory, goofy and girly bouncing of epic proportion.

For who I would recommend this to? Um college kids wanting a good drinking game. Naked jiggly girl? Drink. Not every film of this genre can be Three the Hard Way or Shaft but at least this wasn't Dolemite.

Weirdest Craigslist orgy ever.

Uninvited

Hey gang, welcome back to 80 Horror Throwback. So I have to say the notion of a Killer Cat film outside Poe's Black Cat via Lucio Fulci is foreign territory. Seen enough Killer Dog flicks than you can shake a stick at. So why not add a few more unlikely scenarios. Say for example, a mafia don hosting a party on his yacht in the Caribbean? Scientists tinkering with Fluffy's DNA creating a virtual monster? This is Uninvited a.k.a. Killer Cat

They gave him one too many shots.

Yup sadly only one English Alternative Title this time around. What can you do?   Our film was written and directed by Greydon Clark (Black Shampoo, Angel's Revenge, Final Justice, Dark Future, Mad Dog Coll and Star Games) so yes there is an exploitation background and two of his films have featured on MST3K so you know we may have some chop in the water with this one.

With our instrumental and credits interspersed with a mild bit of exposition, our two doctors believe the test subject has a tumor ranging inside of it (Obligatory Arnold quote: "Eet's not a Tumah!) so you know PETA and ASPCA are already annoyed. Our subject is a fluffy orange tabby that looked a bit disturbed at a impeding shot they were going to give him when he he bolts away. Should they have closed the door? Hmm, sound thinking but we don't have time for rational thought.

A further note is one of the doctors calls for radiation security. So now we have armed men in hazmat suits? The furball is nuclear??! What the nine hells is that about? Tranqing him, the security team thinks they got him (It's a trick, get an ax.) and he proceeds to go sick house on them, spraying cherry pie all over the walls. Yes some bizarre mutation allowing him to house another creature inside of him like a host to a parasite (Thanks for the spoiler reveal in 3 minutes and forty-eight seconds!) allowing him to skibble away with POV shots that would have been better served on a Jeeper Creeper because the shot looks like either a human hunkered over or a Great Dane with a Go Pro.

Dr Grady (Greydon Clark) and his lab assistant (Only titled as Lab Assistant) Paul proceed to lower mesh metal gates in a parking lot have secured the building and they're going after the cat. Yeah best of luck with that. I expect Boysenberry blood spatter similar to the previous cherry pie gunk. FYI, the stock cat sound effects in ADR is really limited and slightly ridiculous.

Subplot 2 is two girls trying to find a hotel for Spring Break are aided by a mysterious Mr. Graham (Alex Cord of Route 66, The Brotherhood, Police Sotry, Airwolf, Airwolf TV Movie and Fire from Below), a shady fellow living in the hotel. Hmm... the plot thickens? Suzanne (Shari Shattuck of Hot Child in the City, Freddy's Nightmares, Goddess of Love, Mad About You, Death Spa, Dallas and Silk Stalkings) and Bobbie (Clare Carey of Zombie High, Waxwork, Coach So Little Time, Point Pleasant and Jericho) are just a tad clueless to the bright neon sign over Graham's head that says: I AM A MAFIOSO but it happens.

Tee hee.  We have bewbs.

Graham needs to tend to a "meeting" with his "associates" Mike (George Kennedy of The Silent Witness, Have Gun- Will Travel, Hush...Hush, Sweet Charlotte,Airport, The Naked Gun, Dallas and The Naked Gun 2 1/2: The Smell of Fear) and Albert (Clu Galager of Have Gun- Will Travel, The Rebel, The Tall Man, The Virginian, The Return of the Living Dead, A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge, Walker, Texas Ranger and Feast), to go over Subplot 3 of the Mafia angle and a deal of great importance.

It seems their weaselly trader/banker Darryl (Michael Holden of Automan, Freddy's Nightmares,Cheers, L.A. Law, Reasonable Doubts, Fallout and 24) is having a devil of a time, money laundering. The FTC (Federal Trade Commission) has been snooping around the irregularities of flux of money is getting paranoid being small potatoes and knows if he screws up he will have 10 to 25 years with a cellmate/boyfriend name of Bubba. A hot tub bubbly bath of drowning later and we know Darryl's not gonna flip.

Vic Vega didn't age well.

Felonious feline forays to the dock, sneaks on aboard the yacht and the body count starts racking up. Again it's a cat. Regardless of its mutation, it's called a hammer. They're five bucks. BONK! BONK!

The puppetry is fair, but it doesn't exactly strike fear into my heart. The husband/wife duo Jim and Debi Boulden (Predator, White fang, Strays, Strange Days, Sabrina, the Teenage Witch) built a nasty looking tabby but again not terror inducing as a whole regardless of the professional creation and the camera blocking.

I am told this particular flick wound up in Rifftrax via Michael Nelson, Kevin Murphy and Bill Corbett so yes you may want to watch that version than this straight through. An additional amusement with the level of gore, nudity and blood spattering against the bulk heads, this cinematic creation fell under PG-13.

A ratings error or did it go straight to video in the day and no one was paying attenion? I do not have all the answers on that one. With 90 minutes on the clock, it is distracting enough for unintentional humor and yes I would say it is a good bad movie for those that love them. So if you want some mindless violence, jiggly girl gallivanting and carnage candy, well this is the film for you. 

This is my stop, Tex!

Party Bus To Hell

How do all. I am back and got a film that has a weird controversy. Some claim it, a return to horror from the seventies, building up tension and fear. Others claim it, to be a full blown jiggly girl fest, pointless and a waste of time. The most common "critic" response is, "One star for the movie is too good for it or overrated." So you know what? I am going to give this flick a lookyloo, see what works and what doesn't and try to give it a fair assessment. This is Party Bus to Hell.

Oh God...who broccoli beefed in here?

First off, enough with the Tara Reid anorexic jokes. 1) Not particularly funny 2) Not remotely original 3) that woman is always active, so yes she has maintained her weight.

Now that is tended to, on with the show!!! Our movie opens with Darby,the hippy attired (Tara Reid of The Big Lebowski, American Pie, Van Wilder: Party Liason, Alone in the Dark, Scrubs, Incubus, Last Call and Sharknado) and this Slash/BeeGees hybrid are fleeing for their lives...or has the desert gone to their heads? Who knows??? With some quick snappy back and forth banter, not everything is...as it appears.

Director/writer Rolfe Kanefsky (You Only Live Until You Die, Sex Files: Alien Erotica, Tomorrow by Midnight, Emmanuelle 2000: Emmanuelle Pie, Nightmare Man, Sorority Slaughterhouse and The Black Room) has clearly had to good film projects to the soft-core porn projects to the finding the decent capital raising projects. This is clearly his baby and Ms. Reid is backing it or found folk to back it.

Yes, Jeff Bridges constantly smells like sandalwood.

Cut to Lara Swit (Stefani Blake of Reverse, Vice Squad: NYC, Vice Squad: Las Vegas, Vice Squad: L.A., Vice Squad: Dallas and Vice Squad: Chicago), a girl gone hitchhiking that lucked out that her pervy driver started to put moves on her after they arrived in Vegas. Seriously, one wrong placed word and her ass could have been just left on the I-15, with no water, provisions or even sunscreen. A tour bus appears to be heading for The Burning Man event and Lara is kicking it around when Tour Bus driver, Joan (Sadie Katz of Hidden Treasures, House of Bad, Scorned, Wrong Turn 6: Last Resort, Grindsploitation, Blood Feast and Unreported) tells Lara it's all good in the hood and jump on board. No, she didn't say that verbatim.

With a bus load of twenty somethings looking to party, get high, drunk and laid, this seems like the bus for those very activities and all seems pretty bouncing. We've got a bluesy almost AC/DC, Steely Dan vibe with writer/singer David Rosen singing the title.

Alright, so the big complaint most folk are having, both male and female alike is topless scenes in under 5 minutes of viewing. Okay, clearly you haven't suffered a Jesus Franco's a minute and 12 fully nude scene and those are his soft-core films.

Hey Mummy! You're getting a bit close to Zombie Lake offenses!

Look, I get that its seems a bit odd these girls are taking clothes off left and right on a bus full of strangers... have you journeyed beyond your local Piggly Wiggly and/or Hardware Hank's?    Burning Man is Spring Break for those that feel like they are outcasts, nutters, cosplayers, costume designers and in general, a little kooky. Yeah topless is the least of your concern.

Looks a lot like Valley of Fire Nevada. It's about 60 miles Northeast of Las Vegas and is part of the Mojave Desert. This has been: Fun Film Facts with Jake!!!

With no bars for the smart phones (Yeah that gem never gets tiresome) and bus driver Joan AWOL, the party starts to think something is amiss.  But y'know...party and boobs!!!

Night collapsed rather than fell and it's the middle of the night still at least another 6 hours from the festival as "Joan" told the partiers she took a short cut to get good time. So unless you are a boy scout, brownie, have a compass, map or GPS...you're boned.

Next thing we know, nutters in black robes and cloaks appear and I am pretty sure they aren't AAA. Turns out those hiding on the bus are just in time for human sacrifice night at the Sizzler (Yes, that is an MST3K joke of yesteryear) so now we got a hooded goofball channeling Papa Jupiter via The Hills Have Eyes and a smidgen of The Devil's Rejects.

Behold, the terror that is...liturgical dance?

So options? Stay on the bus and remain on guard until we starve.   Get off the bus and go in a direction in the hopes you make it back to Vegas before dehydration or starve.   My personal favorite, stop bitching, work together and maybe get out alive.    Option #3.    It ain't even an option.

So this is perhaps a crazy cult or religious sect. Hell for all I know, they were on a bus to a maximum security wing to the whacko basket.   Point is there is a lot more of them, they're armed and completely bat shit crazy.   Hey, how about some main protagonist back story???  Nope.    You want to know, go watch the flick.

What did I take away from this? Tara was clearly having a blast, this crew was fun and it was nice to see girls kicking some serious ass alongside the guys.

This feels like a throwback to Jack Starrett's 1975 Race with the Devil, a touch of Don Sharp's The Death Wheelers a.k.a. Psychomania and filmed on that same damn stretch of road a certain Wes Craven, The Hills Have Eyes were captured.

Okay yes there is a fair degree of nudity. This is also a Horror movie. Planning on sitting down with Grandma and Grandpa for this one, were you? This is a direct product of trying to get more out of your exploitation film like in the late 60s to early 80s.    It's graphic, silly, cannibalistic and downright absurd.   That folks, is the whole point.

Sure hope my night doesn't get too crazy.