Knockoff Week: Robo Vampire

Well hello everyone, the week is upon us and we have a theme already. I know you all enjoyed the Bloodsucker sequels last week. This time around we are looking at knock off movies. The popular films of the states clearly need something, sorta kinda near equivalence of the same film. So the best way to appreciate a blockbuster is the imitation is which as we all know is the most sincere form of flattery. So what is the best why combine Robocop with a necromancer that creates vampires?? What? Is that not a thing??? You sure??? This is Robo Vampire.

Well, we spray painted the hand bags silver so Robo Warrior away!

So our misleading title is not compromised of a cybernetic vampire that kicks ass for the lord...although I might start writing that instead of this review. Okay, bye!!

Yeah I am just messing with you. Our opus opens with two pseudo guards holding a guy at gunpoint. They open some crates and are startled by snakes. Oh why did it have to be snakes??

Our calamity guards waste about 12 rounds to deal with the snakes and I really hope they are rubber but as this is an infamous Godfrey Ho movie, nah they smoked real ones would be my guess.

Who is Godfrey Ho? Well I have not covered this particular "director" extensively so I will give you the high lights. With no less than 132 titles under his belt, Godfrey Ho is known as the cut and paste director taking films that were never finished or simply not released and then splice them in with either a ninja, a commando or a zombie theme in there. Yeah two separate movies are now seamlessly blended together to make a film. Plot A and B always mesh with the newer film upchucking a collection of dialogue that is supposed to make the audience believe that the continuous exposition with sum up all the action you saw prior. SPOILER ALERT! It never does.

Those bastards know I need a protein rinse!

Narcotics agent Tom Wilde (probably cousin to Ted Fast of the Gigantic Serpent) is the best there is. An elite warrior in this modern day. An expert in melee, firearms and hand to hand combat..so of course he dies. The End. Oh right, I forgot. They rebuild him stronger, faster and better than he was. With what looks like an outfit consisting of pleather bags hastily sewn together. Unlike superior cyborgs, Wilde 2.0 is equipped not with a 9mm burst set SMG pistol but in fact a flamethrower. You almost immediately get the vibe there was no real supervisors with this. DUCK!

What I have learned about Chinese vampires thus far is they have no fangs, look like juicy and bubbled and they bound at their prey like they enjoyed Frogger. About as terrifying as an ingrown toe nail. I am officially annoyed in a minute twenty eight. No, I am not being silly or sarcastic. A heavy belt or box fed M-60 has been relegated to being semi-auto, bouncing vampire and our "soldiers" are wearing Converse sneakers instead of even Vietnam jungle boots!!!!! Granted Converse is cool but I am not sure they wanted their product plugged in a Godfrey Ho movie. A syndicate is moving bodies instead of heroin which pays better I guess. I don't know. I have lost all feeling in my front lobe and I am on just brain stem right this moment. Oh I see now, it is offloading vampires and heroin to your competitors to fang them all, take the money and keep the drugs! Brilliant!

RoboTom joins forces with another agent Sophie to thwart vampire necromancer Italian villain played by Italian Master of Manos: The Hands of Fate as he hatches the evil scam to train vampires to thwart their every move! Brilliant! I see no holes in this diabolical scheme! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Then I will unleash my army of gigantic mutated vicious hamsters to devour their crops!!! Okay I made up the hamsters but seriously the henchmen look shocked they still work for this lunatic.

So if you need a drinking game crappy themed movie knockoff film, then look no further. If you want a movie with choppy editing, bad English dubbing, piss poor blocking so bad you cannot tell who is talking and lines that would stagger most thinking beings, oh you're in luck. Thankfully this turd waffle is only an hour and 24 minutes but you will swear to your deity of choice that it was much longer and far more grueling than even a Twilight twinklefest movie.

Looks like a hybrid of Gene Simmons and Lee Van Cleef.

Gorefest

Hey folks back again. Okay we are getting off the sci-fi kick for a bit because well I have been on TV shows for two weeks now and it is time to head back to the roots. Mindless violence, wooden acting, jiggly girls running upstairs when they should head out the front down and unstoppable monsters. So this week is aptly named Gorefest.

Its titanium alloy can withstand a LAW rocket... but stairs are a hassle.

From anything from the hidden serial slasher, machines run amok to the hackney write ups that could only be plot devices and never real life, these films would have been passed up by most people that either went through the horror aisle or the 5 dollar bargain bin at Best Buy or Walmart.

Cliches aside, it is funny to see how serious the actors and director try to take the written content without just busting up and laughing that the sheer absurdity of it all.

In her last moments she was just thinking how much money she save on GEICO.

According to most of these writers, maximum security insane asylums have as much promise of locking away the lunatics as Arkham. They seem to have revolving doors for these wackos as they leave a few or a trail of dead bodies in their wake. Experimental technology always goes haywire and rends a bloody mess and the creatures of darkness are always summoned, disturbed or in general irked. All these scenarios have one thing in common that is the first domino. Horny, hapless and brainless teenagers. Whether they are boozing it up, tokin' up or jumping each others bones, this common denominator upsets these multiverses so often you would think fictional towns would burn teenagers at the stake as a lesson to the rest. Alas, such is never the case thus far and evil denizens swarm the lands and the good town or city folk must reap that of which they sow.

So enjoy the pain of these potentially horrific works of fiction my eyes and ears will have to endure.

No peripheral vision is a real drag.

Post Apocalypse Week: The Terminator

Welcome back you survivors of the psychic wars to Day 5 of Post Apocalypse Week.  We've had a slippery slope of outbreaks, nuclear wars, landscapes gone to madness and zombie incursions.   Why not round this week out with a war against the machines?  So bring out your Talkie Toasters, grab your digital watches and your MP3 players to the slag pit.  This is The Terminator.

Bad boys indeed.

Kyle Reese: Listen, and understand. That terminator is out there. It can't be bargained with. It can't be reasoned with. It doesn't feel pity, or remorse or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever until you are spoiled.


In the far away year of 2029, A.I. machines search and destroy the remnants of humanity.  A supercomputer known only as Skynet is a self-aware and sentient machine that was designed to detour World War III actually initiates the nuclear holocaust feeling the planet is imperfect with these beings roaming about it.  One man, John Connor leads the pockets of humanity against the machines and has overthrown them but not before Skynet sends a cybernetic organism coated in artificial skin to find and kill John's mother before his birth.  The Resistance sends one of their own , Kyle Reese (Michael Behn of Aliens, The Abyss, Navy Seals, The Rock, Insatiable and Kickback) to 1984 to protect John's mother Sarah (Linda Hamilton of Beauty and the Beast, Terminator 2: Judgement Day, Separate Lives, Dante's Peak, A Girl Thing and Smile) with no back-up or future based weapons but only what he can find here and now.   The machine (Arnold Shwarzenegger of Conan the Barbarian, Predator, Raw Deal, Red Heat, Total Recall, True Lies and Eraser) systematically goes through the local phone book and proceeds to wipe out Sarah Connors until he has removed them all.  The machine stands at 6'2 and almost 220 lbs in the chest alone and you would think stood out but it actually knew a little subterfuge.  

I'M GETTING RING DINGS AND THAT IS FINAL!!!

Kyle saves Sarah from a night club onslaught as the Terminator is not fussy about civilian casualties in the least.  They go on the run and Kyle tells Sarah of the future to come and the hope to stop the machines from their terrible mission alongside his commanding officer.  He views Sarah as this warrior legend that gave her son the means, tools and skills to fight back and to not go into the gentle good night.

I had just a few observations of the film at this time.   One of the biggest sponsors of this movie was Gargoyles as they were the shades Schwarzenegger wore and their sales that year and the next 3 went through the roof thanks to the popularity of the film.

Michael Biehn almost did not get the roles for Reese as in his first audition he spoke in a Southern accent due to working on a stage production of Cat on a Hot Tin Roof and the producers didn't want Reese region based.  His agent cleared it up for the producers, rescheduled him another audition which was a slam dunk for him.   Tom Selleck, Kevin Kline, Michael Douglas and Mel Gibson were all considered for the role of the Terminator but they all declined.  Kicking yourselves a bit there, fellas?

Amway is back, honey! Bolt the door!