Piranhaconda

Back again with a creature feature, kiddies. At the request of my mom, who has been hounding me for over three years to lock my peepers for the upcoming flick. So firstly, it is a Jim Wynorski film so my brain went, "Why is Mom watching a film that will have enough T & A in it to rival the seventies?"

Now I will back up and point out she has a wide variety taste in films but every so often it would be nice to say review, Our Man in Havana by Carol Reed, or perhaps Howard Hawks' Rio Bravo. Hell I hear Sam Fuller's film noir The Crimson Kimono is quite clever and well executed. Mom, I love you but less of these flicks as a choice, please.

Then I remember Camel Spiders which was dialogue driven, action packed and a damn good cast. Loved The Return of the Swamp Thing and all its glory thus bringing about the TV series. So you know what? Let this newfound appreciation into Jim Wynorski take sway and let's give the move a shot. This is Piranhaconda.

So Kimmy, you like Scary Movies??

Shot in L.A.and regions of Kaua'i Hawaii (for jungle sequences and more than a handful of Wynorski's creature features), this is the sequel or follow-up to all the mad scientist hybrids from Sharktopus. You know the drill. Hybrid and gene splicing bio-weapons for the government. That old chestnut. What's next? Men in rubber suits? A guy mostly plant? Huh, why does that sound familiar? Anywho, back to the review.

Our credits start with some beautiful aerial shots of Kaua'i as Michael Madsen's name pops up and I am wondering which Michael Madsen we are going to get. Species Michael Madsen who was clever and resourceful? Reservoir Dogs Michael Madsen torturing a cop to 70s Funk or BloodRayne Madsen who clearly couldn't have given a crap to be there. In his defense, it was an Uwe Boll film. Yeah Boll, still think your work is crap, tired of the cams not on a stabilizer and if you read this, you still are mediocre at best.   Do something.

When capturing Michael Madsen, be at least 15 feet away. Crafty he is.

Grumpy aggression aside, the opening music sounds pure 50s with Jasmin Poncelet singing Piranhaconda. Yeah I think that will be stuck in my head for a few.  A bit blues and punk combo platter.  Lovegrove (Michael Madsen) apparently knows about this island and its genetic aberrations a little too well.  His camera girl and lone backup are instant Piranhaconda CGI snack food as Lovegrove beats feet.   Let's just say you have to see the conflict ahead.

Meanwhile on these lust jungle isle, a slasher film is being shot and my god, the poor bastard in the Jasonesque outfit must be roasting.  Diva scream queen Kimmy (Shandi Finnessey of Sharktopus, Piranhaconda and Garbage) is most vexed to a call time at 5 a.m.   She grumbles at P.A. Assistant Rose (Terri Ivens of Marked for Death, Trancers 5: Sudden Deth, All My Children and The Bay) while stuntman/slasher Jack (Rib Hillis of Empathy, Taos, Dinocroc vs. Supergator, Groom's Cake and Sorority Party Massacre) tries consoling Rose for a drink. With sex. Well yeah, that hidden agenda was easy to figure out.

Debbie searches for Bob...to be honest I could barely make out what she said.  Debbie didn't look familiar, so a quick trip to IMDB annnnd..Angie Savage (Porn Star Pool Party, Malibu Girlfriends, Bree & Sasha, Give Me Pink4 and The Scarlet Manor) has done other avenues.   Love the suspense music sounds like a mixture of Dark Shadows and Friday the 13^th.

Cecil??

Rose discovers folklore of the area calling a massive creature the River Devil for several generations. Which begs the question. "Are Cool Ranch Doritos that good?" Uh I mean did the Piranhaconda occur in nature rather than a twisted amalgamation in a lab?  Seriously though, why do people like Cool Ranch?

Lovegrove still running around with his ill-gotten gain attempts to find wheels when he is held at gunpoint by Sports Illustrated Swimsuit model Rachel Hunter?? Well, there are worse ways to go, I suppose. She's part of a gun-totting militia/merc force just hanging.  Their boss is a bit of a wanker, to steal a British phrase and tells Lovegrove what's what and how it is.

Sub plot #4 has three girls wondering around for a specific orchid that blooms when it feels like it, supposedly imbued with massive healing powers. EAT IT!!! Be like Wolverine!  Dr. Masters (Erika Jordan of Stretch, After Midnight, Bikini Avengers and The Playboy Morning Show) feels she and her companions are on the right track. Oh girls, traveling with "The Doctor" could be dangerous. Jungle guide Leilani (Jenny Lin of Dexter, Californication, Bosch and The Burning Dead) got gobbled off screen and well... pretty sure Dr. Masters won't be publishing much.

Still laughing at the working title for the slasher film, Head Chopper 3. Almost makes you wish you could see the first two. The slasher outfit reminds me of Friday the 13^th Part 2 and The Town that Dreaded Sundown.

Like Camel Spiders, Dinocroc vs. Supergator, and Komodo vs. Cobra, Wynorski doesn't rely on the copious amount of nudity like others of the past.   In fact it is plot driven, character connection and dialogue expected from a creature feature.  One-liners and guns blazing.  This is good old-fashioned "B" movie fun.  A few bits of cheesy dialogue, action and for the sexist pigs still reading my blog, yes girls in bikinis.

Now I understand you fellas cannot actually appreciate a girl for mind, soul and body and probably more than a handful of you want to see these girls nude.  Well look it up yourselves.  Not your porn guru.  So if you want some fun and general goofiness with a flick, you are in luck.

Bobbing for girls!