Meh Movies: Zombie'90: Extreme Pestilence

And we are back folks. Yeah I am reviewing Zombie '90.  Sorry Zombie '90: Extreme Pestilence.

 Yeah plenty of you requested this Andreas Schnaas festivities. I am beginning to think you people hate me. I cannot for the life of me fathom why anyone wants this viewed or needs me to crack jokes at this. Just listen to the audio track in English. It's...kind of like comedy. Okay we've put this off long enough.  Ah yes those zany government types with no safety procedures and check systems. A secret C-17 cargo plane crashes into a dense forest after being up in the air for maybe 20 minutes.  You know they crashed because of the fade to black screen wipe.   Translation: We didn't have a budget for a mock plane crash.  Sheesh, scale model it and go to Hobby Lobby for some model planes to blow up with a firecracker while quarter cranking the film.    

 Why, it's a wonder that IBCMs don't just launch themselves all willy nilly under the government's watch.  Hmm he may have meant Ze Germans.

Damn, Trumpcare got hard core.

Well that's definitely a hospital. You have established that. Well done, movie. We cut to a doctor handling the infection of zombie but not officially called that as they have yet to determine this. By the way, when I look at this man I have to admit I wouldn't have seen Samuel Faux Jackson for his voice. Just doesn't pop immediately in my head. Doctor Berns and his assistant immediately are attacked by the very patient that died on their table but thankfully Berns is packing a Luger. In case Blue Cross doesn't cover the procedure obviously. Couldn't afford the muzzle flash? Just cut away to sound effect and FX bladder.

Sheesh shot him right into the credits. I'm not even kidding. I've seen low budget indies but they were ten times more professional and better edited. Oh that's the problem, the Violent Sh*tters Hamburg edited. Trips to the can made by two guys suffering from dysentery made it impossible to cut this properly. They had Hardee's bacon deluxe no doubt.

My God...the sheer numbers.

Car trouble and Leatherface is prowling the woods with a hard on chainsaw? Now the zombies understand melee weapons and power tools? Why not.

Berns and assistant carry a dead body to study of its reanimating issues. They carted a dead body in a hatchback. Didn't anyone know at least one EMT? Shocking this adventure goes awry as the zombie attacks them but the valiant doctors manage to bust a cap in his ass.

Berns is convinced that this has to do with the plane crash the government has been covering up and the toxic chemicals released in the immediate area...the area about 40 miles out or how ever many klicks. I had no idea that house painting smocks and gas masks equate Hazmat suits. They both check out the site and just start poking things randomly and the dialogue is astounding.

 High tech analysis with a volt meter tells us zombies afoot. Yeah a volt meter. Guess a PK meter prop was hard to build. Couldn't have bought one on Ebay I guess.

That can't be good for her back.

This wide spread contagion is...well a few zombies here and there.

Burns still packing his rod has to smoke zany assistant.  Thank Christ.   I wanted to murder him and blame it as he was turning into a zombie a half hour prior.  Voice was so shrilly.

Oooo new characters.  Will we have scintillating dialogue, meaning and in depth looks into the human psyche? Course not, Schnaas films don't have time for that sh*t.   Besides he had to go take a dump.   His words.   Never go outdoors to piss or the self proclaimed dump. You will die.   By penetrating  Jason Vorhees demon worm??  Okay that one was different.  

It wouldn't be a Schnaas film without some good old fashioned genital mutilation.  Bet you're glad I skipped mentioning or showing that in the audio review.

Doctor Burns just starts taking these undead mothers down. Well you ain't Ash of Evil Dead or Reggie from Phantasm. Hell you're not even Captain Rhodes, buddy!

Burns stumbles and bumbles down a hill and I think is knocked unconscious as we are treated to I guess a dream sequence. The audio is painful as most of the dubbed actors weren't miked worth a damn, some sound like their in a booth, others sound like they are in a hallway.  I would dare say that footage of the C-17 cargo plane was probably along the fence line and illegally obtained.

To give credit, aside from Nikos the Impaler this is the first Schnaas film with a plot, some characters to go with the gore effects. The downside is... it was made. Okay that is all I got and I am out.

Failed hybrid clone of Steve Buscemi and Clint Howard.

New Rotten Reelz Reviews Audio Review #25: Zombie Doom

So this is what I busted my ass on yesterday.  It is very adult orientated and a bit on the graphic side.

Enjoy and you have been warned. Zombie Doom Audio Review

Andreas Schnass: Nikos the Impaler

Howdy all and brace yourselves, for we are about to embark on the impossible. We shall journey together through an Andreas Schnaas film. What's that? You've never heard of this gore enthuasitic director of German horror? Well a few highlights before we go into the fray then. Andreas Schnaas (Violent Sh!T, Violent Sh!t 2, Violent Sh!t 3: Zombie Doom, Violent Sh!t 4.0 Carl the Butcher Vs Axe) is a gore fanatic but not really what you would call a well rounded director. Most of his characters last about 15 to 20 seconds worth of dialogue hastily thrown together and then a gore gag happens to them so this could also be translation issues but I kinda doubt that. Now it has been on the request of some of the readers that I tackle this guy and so I thought his American release would be easier than anything else. This is Nikos the Impaler a.k.a. Violent Sh!t 4 a.k.a. Nikos a.k.a. Survival of the Dead.

I got yer Angela Baker right here!

Okay first off this was very difficult for me to find. The local DVD shops including the fricking 5 dollar bins didn't seem to have it. Hell, I even went to Wal-Mart and Target to see if they had alternative title copies (Which is pretty damn common) but no such luck. So yeah I had to Netflix this movie. Not exactly thrilled about that but let's get on with the film itself. Nikos (Andreas Schnaas) is a Romanian (Transylvanian at this time) barbarian in well, hiding out in either a natural cave or a catacomb is been persecuted and ended for his evil deeds. Apparently, a thousand years ago raping and pillaging was frowned upon as a bad thing. He claims he will rise again like some D&D wizard/warrior then flails about in his own entrails.

The armor is a bit tight in the crotch. Just saying.

Cut to Professor Frank Heller (Joe Zaso of 5 Dead on the Crimson Canvas, The Bloody Ape, Addicted to Murder 3: Blood Lust, Rage of the Werewolf, Demonium and Virus X) giving a riveting lecture to his students about this very timeline, its occupants and the general behavior of the time. The lovely fellow professor Sandra Kane ( Felissa Rose of Taken Alive, Bloodhounds II, Dinner and Driving, Daybreak, Nikos the Impaler, Zombiegeddon, The Drone Virus and Satan's Playground) and Frank having been dating and dragging her to Violent Sh!t 3: Infantry of Doom is a date movie!?! No seriously, she says if I can handle that I can handle an art exhibit of ancient Romanian butchery and violence.

Grandma Rotty!?!  NOoOoOoOoOOooo!!!!

Observing an exhibit of Romanian art and ancient tapestries Daisy (Brenda Abbandandolo of Nikos the Impaler and Under Surveillance) has the horrible task of being the know-it-all expert in this ancient history and given some of the doofiest lines imaginable. We have a stereotypical conservative gay couple disgusted at the the rending and depictions of violence on the canvas that I got a slight chuckle out of that. This film is 2003 so really there are ways of people watching and observing a culture you know NEXT TO NOTHING about. Thank you writer Ted Geoghegan (Demonium, Barricade, Don't Wake the Dead, Sweatshot and The Disco Exorcist) you insensitive wanker. Moving on, this drags a bit until a botched attempt to steal some of the antiquities results in a fellow getting his carotid artery opened up and dribbling all over the mask of the late Nikos and viola! Instant resurrection in full armor. He then proceeds to waste the museum patrons and stays in the damn place for more than an hour!!!

He finally journeys out into the streets of New York and yeah that could draw attention one would think. Smashing up a cab with his...really painful CGI effects and then bringing characters from other Schnaas films to life he conjures up a succubus, Hitler, ninjas and Eva Braun?? Nikos trashes a lesbian bar, a movie theater and a video store.  Hmm, art mimicking life??   A metaphor?  NAH!!!

Will Nikos be stopped!?!  Can Frank and Sandra bring Nikos down??   Is this Bat Gag ever get tiresome??

Felissa delivers the epic line after seeing the impossible made possible "Ninjas, sure. Why the f*ck not."

This film is intended to be gore gags and a somewhat developed story. It brings a bit of T&A courtesy of soft core erotica horror and sci-fi actress Darian Caine (Mistress Frankenstein, Gladiator Eroticvs: The Lesbian Warriors and Lust for Dracula) decapitations, gutting and mutilations that well...kinda lack believably but so did a similar lumbering undead guy in the form of Jason Vorhees via Friday the 13^th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan. The difference there is they didn't take their flick so damn seriously, they had better lighting and probably didn't shoot on 16 mm and expect digital to clean that all up.  The film looks grainy and like a daily print.   Thank God the boom mic, shotgun mic on the camera and the personal mics were functioning or I wouldn't have heard the lines dubbed or otherwise.

Maybe it was my copy but I think they may all look this way. I did laugh seeing cameos of Troma's own Debbie Rochon and Lloyd Kaufman. Interesting how our Romanian barbarian is followed around the streets in his bloody warpath by death metal music as a personal soundtrack. This is a goofy gorefest and if that is up your alley then have at it. It is certainly not the worse movie I have sat through so...there's that.

Are we gonna get graded on this?