Wednesday, August 2, 2017

Meh Movies: Zombie'90: Extreme Pestilence

And we are back folks. Yeah I am reviewing Zombie '90.  Sorry Zombie '90: Extreme Pestilence.

 Yeah plenty of you requested this Andreas Schnaas festivities. I am beginning to think you people hate me. I cannot for the life of me fathom why anyone wants this viewed or needs me to crack jokes at this. Just listen to the audio track in English. It's...kind of like comedy. Okay we've put this off long enough.  Ah yes those zany government types with no safety procedures and check systems. A secret C-17 cargo plane crashes into a dense forest after being up in the air for maybe 20 minutes.  You know they crashed because of the fade to black screen wipe.   Translation: We didn't have a budget for a mock plane crash.  Sheesh, scale model it and go to Hobby Lobby for some model planes to blow up with a firecracker while quarter cranking the film.    

 Why, it's a wonder that IBCMs don't just launch themselves all willy nilly under the government's watch.  Hmm he may have meant Ze Germans.

Damn, Trumpcare got hard core.

Well that's definitely a hospital. You have established that. Well done, movie. We cut to a doctor handling the infection of zombie but not officially called that as they have yet to determine this. By the way, when I look at this man I have to admit I wouldn't have seen Samuel Faux Jackson for his voice. Just doesn't pop immediately in my head. Doctor Berns and his assistant immediately are attacked by the very patient that died on their table but thankfully Berns is packing a Luger. In case Blue Cross doesn't cover the procedure obviously. Couldn't afford the muzzle flash? Just cut away to sound effect and FX bladder.

Sheesh shot him right into the credits. I'm not even kidding. I've seen low budget indies but they were ten times more professional and better edited. Oh that's the problem, the Violent Sh*tters Hamburg edited. Trips to the can made by two guys suffering from dysentery made it impossible to cut this properly. They had Hardee's bacon deluxe no doubt.

My God...the sheer numbers.

Car trouble and Leatherface is prowling the woods with a hard on chainsaw? Now the zombies understand melee weapons and power tools? Why not.

Berns and assistant carry a dead body to study of its reanimating issues. They carted a dead body in a hatchback. Didn't anyone know at least one EMT? Shocking this adventure goes awry as the zombie attacks them but the valiant doctors manage to bust a cap in his ass.

Berns is convinced that this has to do with the plane crash the government has been covering up and the toxic chemicals released in the immediate area...the area about 40 miles out or how ever many klicks. I had no idea that house painting smocks and gas masks equate Hazmat suits. They both check out the site and just start poking things randomly and the dialogue is astounding.
 High tech analysis with a volt meter tells us zombies afoot. Yeah a volt meter. Guess a PK meter prop was hard to build. Couldn't have bought one on Ebay I guess.

That can't be good for her back.

This wide spread contagion is...well a few zombies here and there.
Burns still packing his rod has to smoke zany assistant.  Thank Christ.   I wanted to murder him and blame it as he was turning into a zombie a half hour prior.  Voice was so shrilly.

Oooo new characters.  Will we have scintillating dialogue, meaning and in depth looks into the human psyche? Course not, Schnaas films don't have time for that sh*t.   Besides he had to go take a dump.   His words.   Never go outdoors to piss or the self proclaimed dump. You will die.   By penetrating  Jason Vorhees demon worm??  Okay that one was different.  

It wouldn't be a Schnaas film without some good old fashioned genital mutilation.  Bet you're glad I skipped mentioning or showing that in the audio review.

Doctor Burns just starts taking these undead mothers down. Well you ain't Ash of Evil Dead or Reggie from Phantasm. Hell you're not even Captain Rhodes, buddy!

Burns stumbles and bumbles down a hill and I think is knocked unconscious as we are treated to I guess a dream sequence. The audio is painful as most of the dubbed actors weren't miked worth a damn, some sound like their in a booth, others sound like they are in a hallway.  I would dare say that footage of the C-17 cargo plane was probably along the fence line and illegally obtained.

To give credit, aside from Nikos the Impaler this is the first Schnaas film with a plot, some characters to go with the gore effects. The downside is... it was made. Okay that is all I got and I am out.

Failed hybrid clone of Steve Buscemi and Clint Howard.