Godfrey Ho: Lethal Panther

Hello and good day to you all. Yup the week is upon us and I decided to journey into Z-grade ninja/zombie/commando cut and paste director himself, Godfrey Ho. Why in the nine hells would I subject myself and you, the readers to this cringe making, live taking utter torment? Well after having to sit through Friday the 13^th remake, I was thinking perhaps my readers that make suggestions ARE EVIL and should be punished. Now for you gentle readers that don't want to rock the boat, make waves or create tiny tumors in my brain, I apologize for the week ahead.

Bullet blasting babe of brutality!!

Director Godfrey Ho (Clash of the Ninjas, Bionic Ninja, Ninja 8: Warriors of Fire, Ninja: Silent Assassin, Ninja Death Squad, Cobra vs. Ninja, Robo Vampire, Dressed to Fire, Born to Fight, Ninja Empire and Power Force) is best known for taking films that were not finished or could not get a release date and coming up with his own footage of a different story, doing some exposition to tie the two wildly different stories together with bad English dubbing. Today we look at a cinematic wonder about 3 CIA agents dealing with a counterfeiter when it all comes down to them having to take the law into their own hands. This is Lethal Panther a.k.a. Deadly China Dolls.

Hey, that's not Chow Yung Fat!

Our intro music sounds like I am attending a 1970's Olympic special. Half expected to see Cathy Lee Crosby to grace the screen. Leading this fight against crime is uzi totting former rebel turned hitman or hitwoman Eileen (Maria Jo of Zhong gui, Zai shi feng liu jie, Twisted Love, Searching for Love and Chu nu jiang)CIA Betty (Sibelle Hu of Your Smiling Face, My Lucky Stars, Top Squad, Crystal Hunt, Holy Virgin vs. The Evil Dead and Fatal Mission) and prostitute/assassin Amy (Yoko Miyamoto of Lethal Panther)

Betty slaps around a punk around and tell him to spill his guts about the nephew of crime boss extraordinaire, Albert (Lawrence Ng of The Underground Banker, A Chinese Torture Chamber Story, Deng Long, Zheng rong, Doctor Mack, Peace Hotel and New Tenant) But enough of plot and potential character development, time for a sex scene with full frontal! Yeah that is not a joke and we are only 5 minutes into this flick already. Only to get offed after getting off. Driving a Wakasashi into a guy's gut seemed a bit off but our girl gets cleaned up, rig dead guy's body with a bomb or maybe the squibs were too powdered and smokes all the dead guy's bodyguards.   Betty and CIA plan to deal with the counterfeiter Charles Wong with an undercover buy that gets so damn gun crazy it was a wonder if anything good came out of it. The shots fired forms will go on for a week easily.

I'm an extra!

Da boss' little girl is already for her big wedding day that ends in a bloodbath as Albert decides to have dear uncle Charles bumped off so he can take over and rule the underworld and each of the girls steps on the others' toes trying to get to the same objective.

Will they join forces and bring down Albert? Is Albert his actual name? Could this dubbing get worse?

There are elements of Le Femme Nikita and John Woo's The Killers but it is clumsy execution. That being said, a lot of the fight and gun scenes are actually shot well from different hand held, dolly and some tri-pod. That being said, I am pretty sure he lifted some Carpenter music from Halloween. No idea why but that is a m.o.he is known for. The choreography for the gun fights on the other hand feel like I am sitting through a Miami Vice episode. No one is covering each other, conserving rounds or even flanking properly so... typical action flick. I am no stranger to the Girls with Guns action genre that I believe Andy Sidaris managed quiet often but it is a bit over the top here. 

At least three sleazier than most sex scenes, decent Kung Fu and Wu Shu fights and more guns blazing than The Killers but the editing has made it confusing as hell. I got the 90 minute version but I doubt that 5 additional minutes cleared up all the plot holes.

Bad ass girl but grandma hair cut!?!

Shark Week: Sharks in Venice

Hey all you wacky readers and welcome back to yet another installment of the creature feature theme of Shark Week and boy this one is a bit of a doozy.   Imagine if you combine a couple of Spielberg (Lucas not withstanding either) projects and make even less sense than possible. So grab your lost artifacts, scratch your chin with the back of your hand and get ready to dodge a shark and possibly a smooth boulder.   This is Sharks in Venice.

 

Coming for ya, Richard Dreyfuss.

There are spoilers in Venice??!!!  That is preposterous!

Nu Image Films (Cyborg Cop, Hollow Point, Shark Attack, Alien Hunter, SharkMan and S.S. Doomtrooper) has 1 in 7 chances to creating something thought provoking, captivating and entertaining.   The vibe this time around screams stinker.

  

Dr. David Franks (Stephen Baldwin of Born on the Fourth of July, The Usual Suspects, Fled, Half Baked and Scar City) an archeologist traveling with his girlfriend Laura (Vanessa Johansson of Shifted, Reservations, Day of the Dead, The Objective and Skavengers) are meeting with the Venetian police to learn what happened to his father.   I am almost certain a long dead crusading knight and a diary are involved.  They travel by boat where David swears he saw the dorsal fin of a shark but as he glances back it was gone so he dismissed it.

The hell is my line?!

Franks and a scuba expert Rossi (Ivaylo Geraskov of Death Train, In Hell, Air Strike, The Russian Specialist and Mercenary for Justice) head underwater to reach a cavern when suddenly an immense shark swims out at attacks the men.  Rossi of course is eaten and Franks barely escapes to the cave with a shoulder injury.   The cave is decked out like the underground tomb in Raiders of the Lost Ark and he has yet another close call to find this vast treasure hoard.  Pocketing a brooch of gold and emerald he heads back to be hospitalized for the end of Act 1.   Seriously the wounds heal up is worthy of Wolverine.  Not goofy enough for ya, yet?   Well why don’t we throw in the Mafia demanding Franks’ undivided loyalty to fetch the treasure or they put two in Laura’s coconut?

Here are just a few of the many things that will annoy even the most average history buff.    Franks goes to his father’s apartment to investigate his death saying the 8^th Crusade was financed by Louis the XIV.  That particular crusade was conceived in 1270 three hundred years PRIOR the fair king’s birth.  Somehow the crusaders conquered Crete even though the island was under Venetian rule for more than 70 years.    Solomon’s hoard was brought to Venice on a Spanish Galleon???!!!!  A sea barring vessel 300 years in the future made a time jump to the past???!!   Sounds like a time traveling McGuffin or possibly a kooky Timelord with a quantum generator, a pot noodle and a series of rubber bands.  

Ah  Bulgaria..er..um...Venice I mean.

Worry not readers there are continuity goofs too.   Apparently 2^nd Unit Director was allowed all of two streets for a chase scene shot from different angles but you can easily realize how these streets look familiar.   Laura is hauled off in handcuffs by the Mafia goons and then in the cutaway she has rope wrapped around her wrists.  Franks gets his leg bitten off in the first scene and yet it magically appears in the next scene.   Whiskey Tango Foxtrot??!!!!   

  Save your brain cells, eyes and money folks.   This one is NOT a keeper.  Oh final FYI; we see the shark (Title creature) very few times throughout this movie but thank God for that Mafia link or we might have gotten bored.